Title: I Don't Know You Anymore, sequel to Still Holding Out For You
Author: Orasa Nekuma
Warnings: angst, sorta messin w/ Duo's childhood, implied sexual things, angsty Duo/Heero POV…
Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of the kawaii characters from it *dammit*…I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue. You wouldn't get anything if u did, so just don't bother…I also don't own the original song, which is "I Don't Know You Anymore" by Savage Garden.
Pairings: 1x2 sorta, 3x4
Note: This is set after the war, and assumes Heero and Duo got together at some point. And, as I said before, this is a sequel to Still Holding Out For You.
"blah blah"=spoken words
//blah blah//=thoughts
{blah blah}=song lyrics
~*~*~*~*~= time interval
#######=POV change
"Good-bye, Heero," I said, as coldly as I could. I wanted you to feel how much you'd hurt me. How your anger had torn into my heart and soul. "I knew you could never love someone like me." With that, I turned and walked away from you. I tried to be strong, but I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes. Just as I turned away, leaving you standing there, they broke free. They rolled down my face like hundreds of tiny waterfalls of flame, each tear leaving a burning trail on my cheek. //Don't cry for _him_, you baka!// I ordered myself. //He's not worth it…you're not worthy of him…you never shoulda been together anyways, it was all a big, fucked up mistake…// But it didn't work…the tears kept coming.
That night, lying in bed in some piece of shit hotel, I was going through my bag…and I found an old picture of us. I nearly ripped it up and threw it away…but then the tears started again…and I couldn't do it. I remember what happened when I told you…you came in and I was sitting on the couch. You must've been able to see I was depressed, cuz you asked me what was wrong. "You wouldn't understand…" I mumbled, trying to hold it inside, keep my dark secret just a little longer.
"Yes, I will, Duo," you said. "Whatever it is…even if I'm wrong and I don't understand…I will still love you…no matter what." That's what you said. But you lied. When I told you…you just…froze. You looked confused for about five seconds. Then…I guess it hit you. You started yelling at me…screaming that I was trash, shouting out questions…accusations…I think I even heard a threat or two. I can't be sure…by that time, I was halfway up the stairs. In two minutes flat, my stuff was packed and I was gone…leaving you standing there alone. And now, I'm lying here alone…
~*~*~*~*~6 years later~*~*~*~*~
#######
I've finally given up. I never thought it would happen…but I have…I know now that you will never come back to me. They say three is the magic number. Well, I've waited for you for six years. That's two threes. Long enough. Slowly, I close the door to our house and walk away. I'm not selling it…I could never do that, it holds too many memories. But I am leaving. I'm going to live with Quatre and Trowa.
I can't banish all hope though. It's impossible for me to forget you. But I have forgiven you and now I'm moving on with my life. I have decided to cast off the name Heero Yuy. That is a name that brings back far too many memories. Memories…of you…and memories of the pointless war we fought. I have decided to take the name of my father…maybe…in this new life as Odin Lowe…I'll be able to forget Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell…
#######
I still miss you, ya know. I cry every night. I keep hoping that you'll find a way to forgive me and come find me. But that's not your way. You'll never come looking…you'll wait for me to come back to you. I wonder…have you stopped waiting yet…stopped hoping? Did you ever wait or hope at all? Have you forgiven me? I wonder…
I miss our house in the suburbs. I had to get an apartment in the city where I grew up…and I hate it. I never liked this city, especially when I was on the streets of it. There are too many memories here. Just yesterday, I was walking home from work and I saw a gang of kids in an alleyway. Their leader…I coulda sworn he was Solo…I wish I could come visit you or something. But I don't think you'd let me. Would you? Or would you push me away again, just like you did six years ago?
{I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and outta this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit in the back, watch, relax
Talk about anything, it don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me}
When I got home the other day…I called Quat, just to talk…and he told me you've come to live with him and Trowa. He told me you'd changed your name…that you were trying to forget me. He says that you still love me…is it true? I'm not sure…if I'm bold enough to find out…I'm not sure if I know you now. Are you different without me? I wish I could call you…just to see your face…even if you cut me off, I'll still get that one glimpse. But I'm not ready yet. I don't know if I ever will be.
{Cause I don't know you anymore
I went and walked away from you
And now you're tryin to forget me, you've changed your name
Do you love me anymore?
Are you still runnin from the pain?
Oh what I wouldn't give to see your face again}
~*~*~*~*~
It's spring now. The snow is melting and forming huge puddles of ice and slush. Remember how we used to slip and slide in it on the way to car when we were going somewhere? Once, I fell…and you helped me up. Then you kissed me, right there on the driveway, where anyone coulda seen us. In that moment, I knew, as I had always known, that you loved me and you'd never leave me. Well…you didn't leave me, I left you. I never thought it'd turn out _that_ way.
Ya know, I still love snow. You taught me that. I used to hate it…but when we were together…I guess I learned to love it. I think…it wasn't the snow that I hated…more like the feelings it evoked within me. Everyone I loved has died in the snow. Even the day I left you…it was snowing. But now, I can't bring myself to hate it like I used to. It's a bittersweet love, but I still love it.
I wonder what you're doing now. Whatever it is…I hope you never forget me. And I hope you're happy. Do you miss me? I miss you…I wish things hadn't turned out this way. Every day, my life gets colder and more pointless. Without you…I'm nobody. I wonder…should I just end it all…right now? Staring at the razor that has somehow found its way into my hand, I'm considering it. This has been a sucky year for me. I won't go into it…but…let's just say it's not helping my life at this point to be without you.
{ Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow is more lonely than cold, if you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be alright
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?}
I still wonder if I should have stayed that day. If I should have waited for you to calm down, to realize you still loved me. But I don't know if you would have realized that. Even now, I'm not sure if you ever loved me. But it seems like you did. Should I go back? Just show up at Quat's house like nothing happened? Like these six long years of loneliness had been just a bad dream? I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.
{Cause I don't know you anymore
I went and walked away from you
And now you're tryin to forget me, you've changed your name
Do you love me anymore?
Are you still runnin from the pain?
Oh what I wouldn't give to see your face again}
I can't believe what I did yesterday. What I'm gonna do today. I actually decided to call you. I dialed up Quat and asked to talk to you. I could see how shocked he was when I asked…and how curious he was. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he somehow managed to listen in on us. "Heero," I breathed as I saw your face for the first time in six years. I saw your mouth drop open.
"Duo!" you yelled. But before you could say anything else, I blundered on through what I had to say. What I'd been needing to say for a long long time.
"Heero…I love you…and I always will. I'm sorry I walked away that day without telling you that. But I'm telling you now. And I'm also telling you I'm sorry for what I am. I can't change it. What I need to know now…is…do you still love me? Cuz…if you don't, I don't think I can go on…not without you. And don't think you can find me either. This line is secure and after this, I'm disconnecting it."
For a minute, Heero just stared at me…and I was afraid he would say that he didn't love me anymore…that he never had. Then I was filled with wild hope. Maybe he did love me…and he was just overwhelmed that I still loved him. But he didn't tell me one way or the other. He just said, "Duo, please come to me. What I have to tell you…I have to tell _you_." That was slightly cryptic, yes, but I understood what he meant. He wanted me to come to him. To come back.
And now…I'm on my way. I packed up the same bag I used when I left and hopped on the next shuttle to Earth. We're almost there…and I'm so nervous, I feel like I could explode. What will he do? What will he say? I'm hoping…well…I'm hoping we can go on as if nothing has changed, but I know that's not possible. I'm supposed to meet him at our old house. Does that mean something? What is he going to tell me?
I finally pull into the driveway in my rental car, staring at our house. It's exactly as I remember it. I get out of the car and slowly walk toward the front door, my bag in my hand. Heading back toward a part of my life I thought I'd left behind forever sends my mind reeling down memory lane. Everything we ever did together comes rushing back, starting with our first meeting, where I tried to shoot you because you were trying to kill Relena. If I had known her at that time…I probly woulda _helped_ you shoot her. I remember the evenings we snuggled in front of the fire, watching those old movies we used to love. My favorite was Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I can still quote parts of that movie line for line. I'm wondering…will you come out to meet me, or will I have to come in and find you? What happens in a few moments will change me forever.
{Cause I don't know you anymore
I went and walked away from you
And now you're tryin to forget me, you've changed your name
Do you love me anymore?
Are you still runnin from the pain?
Oh what I wouldn't give to see your face again}
I'm almost to the door now…and suddenly, it swings open…and there you are. Unbidden, a smile breaks out on my face as I see you…unchanged, seemingly untouched by the years apart. I drop my bag and start running toward you…
{ I see your face
I see your face}
TBC…
Hehe, YES I am ending this part here, cuz I want the homecoming to be a totally separate part, with both points of view in it.
Author: Orasa Nekuma
Warnings: angst, sorta messin w/ Duo's childhood, implied sexual things, angsty Duo/Heero POV…
Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of the kawaii characters from it *dammit*…I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue. You wouldn't get anything if u did, so just don't bother…I also don't own the original song, which is "I Don't Know You Anymore" by Savage Garden.
Pairings: 1x2 sorta, 3x4
Note: This is set after the war, and assumes Heero and Duo got together at some point. And, as I said before, this is a sequel to Still Holding Out For You.
"blah blah"=spoken words
//blah blah//=thoughts
{blah blah}=song lyrics
~*~*~*~*~= time interval
#######=POV change
"Good-bye, Heero," I said, as coldly as I could. I wanted you to feel how much you'd hurt me. How your anger had torn into my heart and soul. "I knew you could never love someone like me." With that, I turned and walked away from you. I tried to be strong, but I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes. Just as I turned away, leaving you standing there, they broke free. They rolled down my face like hundreds of tiny waterfalls of flame, each tear leaving a burning trail on my cheek. //Don't cry for _him_, you baka!// I ordered myself. //He's not worth it…you're not worthy of him…you never shoulda been together anyways, it was all a big, fucked up mistake…// But it didn't work…the tears kept coming.
That night, lying in bed in some piece of shit hotel, I was going through my bag…and I found an old picture of us. I nearly ripped it up and threw it away…but then the tears started again…and I couldn't do it. I remember what happened when I told you…you came in and I was sitting on the couch. You must've been able to see I was depressed, cuz you asked me what was wrong. "You wouldn't understand…" I mumbled, trying to hold it inside, keep my dark secret just a little longer.
"Yes, I will, Duo," you said. "Whatever it is…even if I'm wrong and I don't understand…I will still love you…no matter what." That's what you said. But you lied. When I told you…you just…froze. You looked confused for about five seconds. Then…I guess it hit you. You started yelling at me…screaming that I was trash, shouting out questions…accusations…I think I even heard a threat or two. I can't be sure…by that time, I was halfway up the stairs. In two minutes flat, my stuff was packed and I was gone…leaving you standing there alone. And now, I'm lying here alone…
~*~*~*~*~6 years later~*~*~*~*~
#######
I've finally given up. I never thought it would happen…but I have…I know now that you will never come back to me. They say three is the magic number. Well, I've waited for you for six years. That's two threes. Long enough. Slowly, I close the door to our house and walk away. I'm not selling it…I could never do that, it holds too many memories. But I am leaving. I'm going to live with Quatre and Trowa.
I can't banish all hope though. It's impossible for me to forget you. But I have forgiven you and now I'm moving on with my life. I have decided to cast off the name Heero Yuy. That is a name that brings back far too many memories. Memories…of you…and memories of the pointless war we fought. I have decided to take the name of my father…maybe…in this new life as Odin Lowe…I'll be able to forget Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell…
#######
I still miss you, ya know. I cry every night. I keep hoping that you'll find a way to forgive me and come find me. But that's not your way. You'll never come looking…you'll wait for me to come back to you. I wonder…have you stopped waiting yet…stopped hoping? Did you ever wait or hope at all? Have you forgiven me? I wonder…
I miss our house in the suburbs. I had to get an apartment in the city where I grew up…and I hate it. I never liked this city, especially when I was on the streets of it. There are too many memories here. Just yesterday, I was walking home from work and I saw a gang of kids in an alleyway. Their leader…I coulda sworn he was Solo…I wish I could come visit you or something. But I don't think you'd let me. Would you? Or would you push me away again, just like you did six years ago?
{I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and outta this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit in the back, watch, relax
Talk about anything, it don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me}
When I got home the other day…I called Quat, just to talk…and he told me you've come to live with him and Trowa. He told me you'd changed your name…that you were trying to forget me. He says that you still love me…is it true? I'm not sure…if I'm bold enough to find out…I'm not sure if I know you now. Are you different without me? I wish I could call you…just to see your face…even if you cut me off, I'll still get that one glimpse. But I'm not ready yet. I don't know if I ever will be.
{Cause I don't know you anymore
I went and walked away from you
And now you're tryin to forget me, you've changed your name
Do you love me anymore?
Are you still runnin from the pain?
Oh what I wouldn't give to see your face again}
~*~*~*~*~
It's spring now. The snow is melting and forming huge puddles of ice and slush. Remember how we used to slip and slide in it on the way to car when we were going somewhere? Once, I fell…and you helped me up. Then you kissed me, right there on the driveway, where anyone coulda seen us. In that moment, I knew, as I had always known, that you loved me and you'd never leave me. Well…you didn't leave me, I left you. I never thought it'd turn out _that_ way.
Ya know, I still love snow. You taught me that. I used to hate it…but when we were together…I guess I learned to love it. I think…it wasn't the snow that I hated…more like the feelings it evoked within me. Everyone I loved has died in the snow. Even the day I left you…it was snowing. But now, I can't bring myself to hate it like I used to. It's a bittersweet love, but I still love it.
I wonder what you're doing now. Whatever it is…I hope you never forget me. And I hope you're happy. Do you miss me? I miss you…I wish things hadn't turned out this way. Every day, my life gets colder and more pointless. Without you…I'm nobody. I wonder…should I just end it all…right now? Staring at the razor that has somehow found its way into my hand, I'm considering it. This has been a sucky year for me. I won't go into it…but…let's just say it's not helping my life at this point to be without you.
{ Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow is more lonely than cold, if you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be alright
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?}
I still wonder if I should have stayed that day. If I should have waited for you to calm down, to realize you still loved me. But I don't know if you would have realized that. Even now, I'm not sure if you ever loved me. But it seems like you did. Should I go back? Just show up at Quat's house like nothing happened? Like these six long years of loneliness had been just a bad dream? I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.
{Cause I don't know you anymore
I went and walked away from you
And now you're tryin to forget me, you've changed your name
Do you love me anymore?
Are you still runnin from the pain?
Oh what I wouldn't give to see your face again}
I can't believe what I did yesterday. What I'm gonna do today. I actually decided to call you. I dialed up Quat and asked to talk to you. I could see how shocked he was when I asked…and how curious he was. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he somehow managed to listen in on us. "Heero," I breathed as I saw your face for the first time in six years. I saw your mouth drop open.
"Duo!" you yelled. But before you could say anything else, I blundered on through what I had to say. What I'd been needing to say for a long long time.
"Heero…I love you…and I always will. I'm sorry I walked away that day without telling you that. But I'm telling you now. And I'm also telling you I'm sorry for what I am. I can't change it. What I need to know now…is…do you still love me? Cuz…if you don't, I don't think I can go on…not without you. And don't think you can find me either. This line is secure and after this, I'm disconnecting it."
For a minute, Heero just stared at me…and I was afraid he would say that he didn't love me anymore…that he never had. Then I was filled with wild hope. Maybe he did love me…and he was just overwhelmed that I still loved him. But he didn't tell me one way or the other. He just said, "Duo, please come to me. What I have to tell you…I have to tell _you_." That was slightly cryptic, yes, but I understood what he meant. He wanted me to come to him. To come back.
And now…I'm on my way. I packed up the same bag I used when I left and hopped on the next shuttle to Earth. We're almost there…and I'm so nervous, I feel like I could explode. What will he do? What will he say? I'm hoping…well…I'm hoping we can go on as if nothing has changed, but I know that's not possible. I'm supposed to meet him at our old house. Does that mean something? What is he going to tell me?
I finally pull into the driveway in my rental car, staring at our house. It's exactly as I remember it. I get out of the car and slowly walk toward the front door, my bag in my hand. Heading back toward a part of my life I thought I'd left behind forever sends my mind reeling down memory lane. Everything we ever did together comes rushing back, starting with our first meeting, where I tried to shoot you because you were trying to kill Relena. If I had known her at that time…I probly woulda _helped_ you shoot her. I remember the evenings we snuggled in front of the fire, watching those old movies we used to love. My favorite was Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I can still quote parts of that movie line for line. I'm wondering…will you come out to meet me, or will I have to come in and find you? What happens in a few moments will change me forever.
{Cause I don't know you anymore
I went and walked away from you
And now you're tryin to forget me, you've changed your name
Do you love me anymore?
Are you still runnin from the pain?
Oh what I wouldn't give to see your face again}
I'm almost to the door now…and suddenly, it swings open…and there you are. Unbidden, a smile breaks out on my face as I see you…unchanged, seemingly untouched by the years apart. I drop my bag and start running toward you…
{ I see your face
I see your face}
TBC…
Hehe, YES I am ending this part here, cuz I want the homecoming to be a totally separate part, with both points of view in it.