I can't explain. You won't understand. This is not how I am. - Pink Flyod, Comfortably Numb.




I don't think Steve ever knew what affect he had on these kids.

I was sitting silent in the back, my brother standing in front of me the entire time. We don't see eye-to-eye, and even then we didn't.

And then I hear all that shit on the TV about Austin dying and watching all those different reactions.

Rocky screamed furiously, Hunter yelled in insanity, Shawn's mouth dropped (though I think he didn't know that at the time), Benoit stayed still as a statue though his eyes widened considerably, and Jericho just started laughing.

It really does pay being the odd man out, with all this experience I have. I'm able to catch these little things people try to hide. Each one of them tried to hide their reaction. It was evident, though, completely evident.

They were all affected. Each one of them had a ping of sorrow in their eyes the minute they heard the news. It unnerved me for a while, seeing all these pairs of eyes ready to cry for Steve. Then they went back into character, portraying whoever they are.

See, Steve? I hope you're watching this. Even in death, it doesn't hurt to learn a few things.

I hope that you've understand all the affects you've done on these poor kids. Cause to be honest, you've affected me too.

Does that mean I'm gonna sit back and cry like they are?

Hell no.

I'm the one whose going to have to act strong. It's going to be a fucking burden, since between the two of us we helped out these young kids with advice and shit, but I don't care. Someone has to truly stay strong in this time of need.

And somehow this reminds me of the time Brian died.

I remember how you were just pale, frozen, and just standing there in the locker room with me. We were talking beforehand and we get that news. Just before the pay-per-view, Badd Blood, the one where it was the first Hell in the Cell match and I was set to fight Shawn...

And all of a sudden... Brian's dead. It hurt me a little, but you? You were frozen in the damn spot. You looked like you just died, and there was so much guilt in there, in those blue eyes... I had to rip my gaze away. I couldn't met your eyes the entire night there after.

Not like the man I was talking to when Owen died. How ironic is that? We were talking when Brian died, and the same when Owen died. You were truly numb, but you were... strong. Powerful. Refused to let those emotions control you. You stayed the same. Once in a while you helped out one of the younger guys.

You lost yourself when Brian died, but you stayed in control when Owen did. When Brian died, you possibly lost a piece of your soul... but when Owen died, you just felt numb. Maybe the reason was because Owen and you never got along after you nearly broke your neck. Did you find a sadistic happiness at his death?

... no. I already know the answer.

You aren't that type of person, Steve. Well, you weren't. I don't care for technicality.

I wished that you would have forgiven him completely before Owen died. But now that you're gone, maybe when you two meet in Heaven, you can finally have that conversation I wish you did when the both of you were alive. I guess that "talk" is inevitable now.

Like the others, I'm sure as hell gonna miss you. You were a great friend. Hell, this is sad -- I even remember you back in the day when you had blonde hair, naive as hell, and was so green it hurt. You really grew, Steve, in and out of the ring. You got wiser.

And now you're gone. I'm not gonna cry. I can't cry. Maybe sometime down the road, when I'm thinking too much, I'll sob a bit, and let some tears fall, but I'm not gonna cry. I'll let my eyes water, and I'll let my voice crack a bit or two, but I won't fully let my angst control me.

I really don't have anything else to say, Steve. You're dead, and the other's will get over it. Some will always be haunted by it. And I'll admit it, I know I'm apart of that few. You're gonna haunt me, Steve. I accept that fact.

But I'm not gonna cry. I'm gonna stay in the back, hidden in the shadows with Kane here, and we're gonna watch over everyone.

I look at my brother, and I can just feel my jaw dropping quickly. Kane's eyes are brimmed with tears. He's holding his bottom lip down, and I can see his chest racking with sobs.

I'm... I'm just kind of numb. Unable to move. I'm staring in front of me, locked at the shaken, fragile form of my brother. And he's crying. He's crying for you.

What did you do, Steve? Kane never cried for me... not ever since the fire. He doesn't care for me. Never will.

But there he is, hidden in the shadows like I, and there's streams of tears falling down his face. He can't hide the sobs from me, attentively noticing how those clear trails fell down onto his chest and the ground.

What did you do? How did you do it? ... why?

You made the monster shed tears.

I reach forward to touch Kane's shoulder and squeeze it reassuringly. Kane merely gazes at me with his tear-stained mismatched eyes. And he just whispers to me a single sentence, stabbing me with the innocent truth behind it.

"I didn't even know him."

A smile rested upon my lips. "Neither did I."

Kane just gives me this look, knowing full well that I was lying straight through my fucking teeth, but he succumbs and releases his sorrow in a flow of silent tears. He sniffs and chokes on his words, mumbling to himself things I can't even hear... or maybe I just don't want to hear.

I move over from my side of the wall and I just stand next to my brother, holding onto his shoulder and nothing more. It's the only way I can help him. The only way I can be a good brother, something I haven't been.

And I just feel it.

The soft touch of a tear falling down a face.

My face.

I started to shed a tear for you too. I can feel it slowly trickling down my face, and I watch Kane merely staring at it in shock. And then he moves forward to remove it from my face, gazing at the tear lingering on his thumb.

He just looks at me. "It's okay to cry."

And I just stare at him. I turn my head away from Kane, and I just start staring out.

I'm numb. I have nothing to say.

And I'm slowly crumbling within.

I guess that was the biggest difference between you and me, Steve. You stayed strong until your body gave out on you, or until Fate had it in for you. And just by your death, I can feel my strength giving away and I don't know the reason why.

Kane and I are going to stay in the shadows of the locker room, until Wrestlemania is supposed to start. It fits our characters, our souls... our bond as brothers.

So I'm gonna stand here, and stay numb. Cause I won't cry, Steve. I won't cry.

Cause if I cry, then I know this is real.

And I don't feel like waking up yet.