The OOC Adventures of Kisame and Itachi

Part V– Taking Home a Baby Bumblebee

Summary & Disclaimer: Why are you reading this if you haven't read the last chapter?

***** 

"I'm just a girl who cain't say no!
I'm in a terrible fix!
I always say come on let's go
Jist when I orta say nix!"
 
"Kisame…"
 
"When a person tries to kiss a girl
I know she orta give his face a slap,
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow sorta wanta kiss him back!" 
 
"Kisame…"Itachi rubbed his temples lightly, holding onto the leash, and yet his partner continued.
 
"I'm just a fool when lights are low.
I cain't be prissy and quaint!
I ain't the type that can faint,
How c'n I be what I ain't?
I CAIN'T SAY NO!"

Itachi took a deep breath before bellowing this time. "KISAME!"

The oversized land shark with the oversized sword came out of his trance and looked over at his partner who was now seconds away from using him as test practice for the Tsukiyomi again. "Oh, Hello Itachi! I knew you would catch up eventually. Did you like my song?"

"…Off key. You don't do Roger and Hammerstien's Oklahoma the justice it deserves."

Kisame frowned and tried to get up from the bench, patting his rotund and now full belly and let out a loud burp that echoed through out the empty petting zoo. Itachi sniffed the air and caught the foul odor of raw meat on his breath. His nose wrinkled in disgust.

"What have you been eating?"

"Twinkie and Banana." Kisame gestured with his thumb to the cage behind him which was empty save for a pile of bones.

Itachi recalled the names from the brochure as being the two giraffes under the care of the park and his eyes lit up with faint recognition. A moment of silence passed between them.

"What did they taste like?" The sharingen user scratched under his chin, feigning disinterest.

"Stringy. Rather bland for a mammal. I much prefer puppies, seals or dogs."

"…"

"I think they gave me a little gas and indigestion."

Itachi sneered and pulled his cloak close to his face. "Your own damn fault. You are interfering with our investigation."

"Oh, and then what's that?"

Sakon mummured and Ukon let out a faint curse as Kisame kicked him (or them) in his (their) side.

Itachi pulled the cloak even closer and dismissed it. "A souvenir!"

Kisame blinked. Itachi couldn't be embarrassed! It was just something that didn't happen. The moment of shock quickly passed as he realized that teasing his partner was a sure fire one way ticket to H. E. Double Hockey Sticks' main office. Being a traitor and a member of the Akatsuki, Kisame knew he was going to end up on the seventh floor, basement level, even, so the shark in him told him it was best for him to do what his survival instincts told him and clam up so he could prolong that trip.

But before his brain could answer, his stomach always did, despite being full of raw giraffe meat, and he spoke. "Can I eat him?"

"NO! My Napoleon!"

Something seriously wasn't right in Hidden Neverland Ranch and now even Kisame caught on. "Itachi…are you feeling okay?"

Itachi's grip on the leash tightened and he nearly strangled Sakon in a fit of rage. "I'm fine! What? I want a pet! Mom never let me had one so I slaughtered my family! Well, that's not the real reason, but… I'm going to have my fucking pet, okay?!"

Kisame whimpered, helplessly. "Um, alright. You can keep him."

Sakon gasped for air as he could finally breathe again. He was almost certain that Ukon was trembling, but wasn't sure if that since they shared the same body, it could have been his doing as well.

"Good. We understand each other." Itachi instantly calm down to his usual glacial self.

Oh dear God, when will it end. Sakon prayed to himself, but just as soon as all hope for escape seemed to fail him again, he sensed four familiar presences in the vicinity.

Kisame swung the Samehada off his shoulder. "Do you feel that Itachi?"

Itachi looked at him nonchalantly. "Of coarse….it's about time our host made his presence."

As if on cue, Orochimaru flanked by Kabuto, Sasuke, and Tayuya appeared on the gateway to the petting zoo.

Orochimaru smiled and flicked a stray piece of hair behind his ear, looking as debonair as possible in his suit. "How good of you to take our invitation, Itachi-kun, but it seems you and your partner are causing quite a disturbance on our opening day."

Tayuya was on the verge of collapsing with laughter. Thankfully, she had had the time to change out of her park costume, a gorilla, before she arrived on the scene. "Oh god! I'm going to piss myself? Is that you in there Sakon?!"

Sakon whimpered. "Not now, Tayuya."

Itachi said nothing for a moment. Orochimaru was lucky that he had learned not to make direct eye contact with Itachi in their last meeting, especially since Itachi now noticed what Sasuke was dressed in, and he was not pleased.

"Foolish Little Brother, what are you wearing?"

Normally, Sasuke would jump at any chance to fight his brother. He would do whatever it takes to try and end up on top for once and finally settle the score. But today was not one of those days.

 Today was a day when Itachi only had another disgrace of Sasuke's to dangle over his head. Today was a day of shame for the younger Uchiha. Today was the day that since Sasuke was the smallest; Orochimaru had designated it the day for him to wear the Bee costume and had refused to let Sasuke change out of it after the opening ceremonies.  A regular bee costume wasn't that bad, but seeing how it required the wearing of tights, tap shoes, wings, a tutu, and annoying sequins, it was rather bad.*

And being a day like today, the only thing Sasuke could do was hang his head, cover his forehead with his hand as he tried to stifle the weight of his embarrassment. "D…Don't look at me."

Itachi scowled. "Orochimaru, what is the meaning for this?!"

"What, doesn't ickle Sasuke look cute?" Kabuto said before he received a well deserved playful punch in the groin from a very angry little bee.

Itachi maintained his composure, though he really wanted to beat Orochimaru's face in and burn this whole god forsaken place to the ground.

Orochimaru smiled even more grotesquely large than Kisame deemed humanly possible. "Oh yes, the park. You know how hard it is to maintain a village that has barely been recognized by the other Hidden Villages? A heck of a lot. We need revenue in order to grow and become more established. It's hard to maintain and evil empire.'

'Of coarse we can pillage, rape and sack border towns of our neighboring countries, but I find this a bit more affective means to corrupt young minds. And I do enjoy that, ever so."

Itachi wasn't really that upset with all this. The corrupting young minds thing and the need for funds were rather logical explanations that he heard everyday at head quarters, but in the back of his mind, there still tuned the incessantly annoying tune that blasted here and there from speakers on a good regular twenty minute interval. Itachi hated kids. He hated useless emotions like happiness and joy and the idea of a former Akatsuki member spreading either of these made his stomach churn on its self. The last straw, however, was seeing Sasuke dressed in that costume. Itachi cared nothing for the little brother, but seeing someone who he had invested so much time and effort into turning into the perfect measuring stick for his ability and was still related to him whether he wanted him to be or not, made his decision clear.

"Kisame, get up. We are leveling this place. Sasuke, I'm taking you back to Konoha."

Kisame's eyes lit up happily. He'd take destroying children's happiness over all the cotton candy and falafels in the world any day. Sasuke merely kept his head hung, in defiance that he actually wanted Itachi to save him.

Orochimaru's smile faded. "Now, Itachi, you can't do that. You are forgetting Akatsuki procedure for inner member confrontations."

Itachi glared coldly with his red eyes. "You're no longer a member."

Orochimaru smirked. "Try, but I still have the resort membership."

Kisame cussed. "Shit. That means we still have to follow the rules as though he is a member."

Itachi rubbed his forehead. He wanted no more than to torch this place to the ground. "Fine…I challenge you."

 "I accept your challenge." The Snake Sennin nodded.

A cold wind blew over the group at the sound of Itachi's words.

Tayuya looked at Kisame. "Challenge?"

Kisame sat back down and rested his head on the palm of his hand. "If Akatsuki members didn't have certain bi-lines for inner Akatsuki disagreements, we would have all killed each other already. Thus, in order to settle a disagreement that is severe, one member must announce officially that he challenges the other –"

"And the other gets to name the challenge, then the challenger names the stakes."  Itachi begrudged stated. Procedure was procedure to him, so he had no choice but to wait as Orochimaru decided on what the contest would be.

*****

*Sasuke's outfit is based off one I had to wear when I was four for a tap dance recital to the song "I'm Taking Home my Baby Bumblebee." If you really want to understand the horror of his humiliation, picture him tap dancing.

The song used, of coarse, is "I Cain't Say No", from Okalahhoma, as Itachi pointed out.

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