Carelessly Scattered Love
Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with it.
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'There he goes,' she thought to herself. But she was to numb to feel it. He was walking away, and she had blown her chance. But it never even began to register until he was gone and she found herself standing alone. The damage was done. Why couldn't she have just said something? Why couldn't she just call out to him? She didn't want this. He couldn't have wanted this. Why did it matter anymore?
He was gone.
Slowly, she backed away, covering her mouth in her own disgust. Turning sharply on her heel, she began her walk back home. With her head down, and mouth still covered, she quickened her pace; hoping her thoughts would succumb to the sound of heels clicking on the pavement.
They didn't.
*~*
"What am I doing wrong!" He bellowed, his voice echoing off the diner walls.
"Nothing, you aren't doing anything wrong..." She sighed, crossing her arms defensively across her chest. She was tired of it. Of him, of everything. But why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to happen this way? She could feel his eyes piercing into every inch of her body, and she didn't dare look up.
*~*
Stepping into her driveway, she dug into her purse to search for her keys. Pulling them out, she unlocked the Jeep and climbed in. She shoved her keys into the ignition but didn't get a chance to turn them when the tears began to slide down her cheeks. She let go of the keys as she molded her body into the seat.
Then it hit her.
*~*
"Then why are you doing this to me, why are you shutting me out?"
"Luke..." She shifted uncomfortably.
"No," He stepped towards her and gently put his fingers under her chin, lifting her head so she would face him. His attempts seemed lost on her.
"You know I love you Lorelai." He waited for a response, but got none. "You do know that, right?"
Her body stood frozen as the knife twisted in her heart.
He nodded to himself, his eyes falling to the floor. He dropped his hand from her chin. In a pained voice he quietly continued, "This just isn't going to work, is it?"
*~*
Wiping the tears from her eyes, she quickly turned the ignition key, flying the car into reverse before speeding out of the driveway. She didn't have a specific place to go, she just wanted to get away. Inside, she knew it was completely possible that she had just made the biggest mistake of her life, and right now running seemed like the only right thing she'd done in years.
Everyone had said they would be perfect together, everyone saw something there that she had always denied to the point that even she was beginning to believe it. But when he had finally asked her out, no amount of convincing on her or anyone else's part could suppress the feelings that had been bottled up in her for years.
And now, she had taken the chance of a lifetime and ruined it by being...scared. 'How is it that my best quality is still being able to take great opportunities and throw them out the window?' she thought, speeding down the highway. Tightening her grip on the steering wheel, she felt herself start to give in.
*~*
She finally found it within her to look him in the eye, hoping to find some sort of answer, some sort of truth. But they revealed nothing to her. She knew his cold demeanor was simply playing off the attitude she was giving him, but she couldn't help it. Something inside her told her this was getting to serious, and she needed out.
She uncrossed her arms and placed them on her hips, relaxing her shoulders and trying to think of something to say. She wanted to tell him this was all wrong, that she was just scared, and take everything back.
But when she opened her mouth, nothing came out.
"Just give me one reason why, Lorelai. One good reason."
*~*
The way he had stared at her, so hurt and confused, and doing a horrible job of trying to hide it. That's what killed her the most. The mess that she caused, the pain she saw in his eyes, was something she knew could never be reversed. And on top of that, all he asked for in return was for a reason. One simple reason.
*~*
She stood, speechless. Everything she planned on saying had somehow escaped her mind, leaving her mouth to fend for itself. Her eyes fell to her shoes. How could it be that only an hour ago, they were the most important things in her life?
"I just... I can't," She mumbled, slowing backing towards the door. "This is all so fast, and I don't, God, I don't know if I can do this."
He stepped toward her, "That's not true. You can do this, it's just that you won't."
*~*
It was that moment that scared her the most. He was right, it wasn't that she couldn't do it - it was that she wouldn't. Since when did he know her so well?
*~*
She felt her lip quiver and bit it hard, "Luke, you're making this harder than it has to be."
"Am I?"
"Yes, you are!"
"It's only harder because I'm not like every other guy who will just let you give up when things aren't going exactly as you planned, Lorelai."
"That's not true."
"You know it is!"
"Stop."
"Ok, so say it isn't. Then what is it? You still have yet to give me a reason, a real reason, as to why you're doing this. 'Going to fast' isn't good enough. That can be changed, things can be different, and when you say you can't handle this I don't believe you!"
He was yelling, she was breaking. She closed her eyes tight; it was to much for her to handle.
"You seem like you're holding back. God, you always seem like you're holding back! Stop being afraid and just tell me!"
"Fine! I don't love you anymore!" She screamed.
She stared at him in shock at her own outburst. That wasn't true, that wasn't what she meant. But he didn't wait for an explanation. Instead, he shot her one last look of desperation before storming out of the diner.
She could have sworn her heart stopped.
*~*
She felt like she was drowning. The memory replayed itself over and over in her mind, never giving her a chance to come up for air. Pulling over to the side of the road, she parked the jeep and eased back into her seat. 'Finally,' she thought. Closing her eyes, she listened only to the sound of her own breathing. The feeling of emptiness taking over her body in a way she had never felt before, or maybe, in a way she had never let herself feel before.
Reaching over into her pursue, she pulled out her cell phone and held it tightly. This was something she had to do. While she had never been the best at swallowing her pride, she figured there wasn't a better time and place than to do it now. She slowly dialed the seven digit number and hesitated before pressing send.
Something inside her had been ripped apart, the pieces carelessly scattered across the floor for someone else to tend to. But this time, she wasn't waiting.
"Luke?"
This time, she cared enough to pick them up herself.
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A/N - If you read it and enjoyed it, please let me know. : )
-Yesitsme