Disclaimer: I don't own Raziel or any of the lieutenants. Eidos and Crystal
Dynamics do. I don't own Aquaman. DC has that one. (Thank God!). Nor do I
own the Peanut Butter and Jelly song. (I don't know who owns that but I
guess someone does.)
This was meant to be really short and stupid, but it's gained a life of it's own and has grown out of control!! Still, you should find it amusing if you're a die-hard Soul Reaver fan or if you're just crusin' for a few laughs.
This story takes place just before Raziel revealed his wings to Kain. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
It had been a long night at the Sanctuary of the Clans last night. All of the clans had been up late partying, storming human settlements, massacring little children.... Y'know. The usual stuff. It was 11:00 in the morning and Raziel was waking up with a hangover.
Raziel: Ohh.... What did I do last night? The last thing I remember was Zephon telling me to drink that special O+ and AB- blend....
He staggers to the bathroom and promptly begins tossing his cookies. At this point Turel walks into the room
Turel: Oh hey. You're up already, hunh? Damn it. That means Melchiah wins the pot.... Hey, for our convenience lets just say you woke up at 12:00, okay?
Raziel: You took bets on when I would wake up? How long was I out?
Turel: Several hours. You were like a wild man last night!
Raziel: What did I do?
Turel: You mean you don't remember? Oh man! Dumah got it all on tape. You did all kinds of crazy stuff! (You even hit on Morlock.)
Raziel: Ugh. I don't think I want to know. Just leave the toilet and me in peace.
Turel: Sure, sure. But afterwards we're going to watch that tape again to make sure you "remember" every terrible thing that happened that night.
Raziel: (groans) You might as well toss me head first into the Abyss.
Turel: Will do. (Walks off laughing)
Raziel: Maybe I can see Dumah about that tape....
Raziel walks over to Dumah's room. He opens the door and sees Dumah singing some kind of rap song.
Dumah: It's Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Now way at, way at, way at, way at! Peanut Butter and Jelly! Peanut Butter and Jelly...
Raziel: What the hell are you doing?!
Dumah: Razzy! You're awake! What time did you get up?
Raziel: Just now. But I need to ask you something.
Dumah: Oh yeah. The music. It's something I learned watching Flashplayer videos. See in some videos this little banana comes out and....
Raziel: Not what I meant. I need to ask you about that tape with me doing stupid, drunken stuff on it.
Dumah: What about it?
Raziel: I'll need to destroy it and all copies of it.
Dumah: No way! How often do we get a chance to tape you discussing philosophical theories with a large rock arrangement?
Raziel: (Under his breath.) Once to often. (Out loud.) That's not the point! The point is....
He grabs his stomach and doubles over.
Raziel: Uhhgh.
Dumah: Dude, are you okay?
Raziel begins to convulse
Dumah: All right. You are definitely not okay! Turel! I need some help over here!
Turel runs into the room.
Turel: What is it?
Dumah: I think something's wrong with Raziel!
Turel looks down at Raziel and sees large bulges on his back. Suddenly the bulges burst free in a bloody explosion.
Dumah: Unholy crap!! What was that?
Turel: I don't know....
Raziel stands up using an end table for support. He now has his infamous wings.
Raziel: That REALLY hurt! (He notices his wings.) Whoa! Turel! Dumah! Do you know what I just did?
Turel: (In a stunned voice) You evolved.
Raziel: Damn straight!
Turel: But... Kain hasn't had any transformation like this. It's not natural!
Raziel: So what? With these wings I'll prowl the streets of Nosgoth as "Raziel-man"! And Dumah! You can be my sidekick! "Dumah-boy"! And Turel can be our butler!
Turel: Not much for creativity, are you?
Dumah: Ooh! Ooh! Can I have a utility belt?
Raziel: Sure!
Turel: Okay. Shut up. We need to think about this. Raziel. What do you think we should do?
Raziel: I want to show off my wings to Kain!
Turel: Are you sure that's such a good idea?
Raziel: Of course it is! I'll walk into Sanctuary and kneel before Kain. He'll see my wings and I'll be like "Dude!" and he'll be like "Whoa!" and I'll be like "Dude!!" and he'll be like "Whoa!!!" Then he'll walk behind me and check out my new wings, then congratulate me. (Snaps out of his daydream.) Turel, Dumah. I need you to go get Kain and tell him to wait at the Pillars 'cuz I've got a surprise for him. After you do that just wait in your spots around his throne 'till I come. I'll go get Rahab, Zephon, and Melchiah.
Dumah: Weee! It's party time!!
Turel: All right. You're the First-born. If that's what you think is best. But remember... Kain if deified...
Raziel :Yeah. Yeah. Clans tell tales of him... few know the truth... was mortal once... contempt for humanity... blahdy, blahdy, blah. I know all it by heart! Now go! Kain's probably in his room playing Resident Evil. If you hurry you can get there before he reaches the Tyrant.
They leave. Raziel goes to Rahab's room and knocks on his door. When there's no answer he opens the door. He sees Rahab laying on his bed reading a comic
Rahab: Yeah! Go Aquaman! Beat on that Black Manta!
Raziel: Ahh... Rahab?
Rahab: (Without looking up from his comic.) What is it Raz?
Raziel: I need you to go stand in the Sanctuary for a little bit.
Rahab: Why? (Looks up from his comic) Raz! You got wings!
Raziel: Yeah, I know. Isn't it cool?
Rahab: I wish that could happen to me. Y'know, I'd evolve in some way completely unique to every one else.
Raziel: Okay. Fine. But right now I need you go to the Sanctuary and prepare my dramatic entrance.
Rahab: Sure thing. Right after I finish this Aquaman comic. In this one Black Manta and Ocean Master team up to...
Raziel: Shut up. Don't care. (Pauses.) Why do you read those things? You know we'll never be able to do what he does. "Water burns like acid" remember?
Rahab: I know. But wouldn't it be cool? You swim through the ocean and whenever you use your powers the narrator says, "Using his telekinetic powers Rahab summons..."
Raziel: (Interrupting) You don't even have any telekinetic powers! Only Kain does.
Rahab: Someday I might. (Bursts into tears.) Why do you always have to destroy my dreams?! (Begins crying uncontrollably.)
Raziel: Whatever. Just make sure you're where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be.
Leaves the room and goes several doors down to Zephon's room. Raziel usually avoided going into Zephon's room but this time it was necessary. He knocks on the door.
Zephon: Enter now and abandon all hope.
He already had. So he entered.
Zephon: The Prodigal Son. There is no returning for you Raziel.
As he entered he saw that the room had changed little. It still resembled something out of a horror flick. The walls were posted with disturbing images. A bookshelf was lined with Satanic Bibles and what must have been his own poetry. The room was only illuminated by a black light hanging from the ceiling and an Electro-globe on an end table.
Raziel: Why do you say that every time I enter your room?
Zephon: For dramatic effect. Someday I may need it.
Raziel: Sure. What is it you do in this room all day?
Zephon: I spend most of my day watching horror movies and writing about how stupid and pointless my life is.
Raziel: No argument there. Hey I need you to go to the pillars and stand there for my entrance.
Zephon: Why should I?
Raziel unfolds his wings.
Zephon: Whoa.... You're so lucky Raziel. Seeing those has made realize how dreary my life truly is. I think I'll go find a cocoon of brick and granite from which to watch a pupating world.
Raziel: You do that. In the meantime you better get your ass over to Sanctuary.
Zephon: Right!
Raziel moves on. At last he comes to Melchiah's room. He opens the door without knocking. Melchiah, being the youngest, has no privacy whatsoever and is constantly at the mercy of his older siblings. Raziel sees his brother gazing at himself in a mirror.
Melchiah: Man I'm pretty!
Raziel: Melchiah?
Melchiah: Raziel! Have you come to bask in my man-prettiness?
Raziel: No. No I haven't. I came to tell you that you need to go to the Pillars and stand around looking important.
Melchiah: But there aren't any mirrors there! What will I happen if can't I look at my beautiful face for five seconds?!
Raziel: You know, you're going to be a pretty sad and pathetic creature when you don't have your good looks anymore.
Melchiah: (Gasp!) Silence your lies! I shall always be prettyful for I am immortal!
Raziel: Sure ya are. Unless you mutate into a decaying bag of flesh that drags himself around cursing his existence.
Melchiah: Yeah. But what are the chances of that happening?
Raziel & Melchiah laugh at that that hilarious scene.
Raziel: Hoohoo. Hehe. Just make sure you're there in a little bit.
Melchiah: Will do. Hee hee hee.
5 minutes later.
Raziel is at the entrance of the Sanctuary of the Clans. He walks in and strides across the room. When he reaches the center he kneels before Kain and unveils his wings. Kain, seeing them, gets up from his throne and goes to examine his first-born's newly acquired gift.
Turel: (Whispering to Dumah.) Hey. If things don't go so well we still got the tape, right?
Dumah: Oh hell yeah.
THE BEGINNING
This was meant to be really short and stupid, but it's gained a life of it's own and has grown out of control!! Still, you should find it amusing if you're a die-hard Soul Reaver fan or if you're just crusin' for a few laughs.
This story takes place just before Raziel revealed his wings to Kain. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
It had been a long night at the Sanctuary of the Clans last night. All of the clans had been up late partying, storming human settlements, massacring little children.... Y'know. The usual stuff. It was 11:00 in the morning and Raziel was waking up with a hangover.
Raziel: Ohh.... What did I do last night? The last thing I remember was Zephon telling me to drink that special O+ and AB- blend....
He staggers to the bathroom and promptly begins tossing his cookies. At this point Turel walks into the room
Turel: Oh hey. You're up already, hunh? Damn it. That means Melchiah wins the pot.... Hey, for our convenience lets just say you woke up at 12:00, okay?
Raziel: You took bets on when I would wake up? How long was I out?
Turel: Several hours. You were like a wild man last night!
Raziel: What did I do?
Turel: You mean you don't remember? Oh man! Dumah got it all on tape. You did all kinds of crazy stuff! (You even hit on Morlock.)
Raziel: Ugh. I don't think I want to know. Just leave the toilet and me in peace.
Turel: Sure, sure. But afterwards we're going to watch that tape again to make sure you "remember" every terrible thing that happened that night.
Raziel: (groans) You might as well toss me head first into the Abyss.
Turel: Will do. (Walks off laughing)
Raziel: Maybe I can see Dumah about that tape....
Raziel walks over to Dumah's room. He opens the door and sees Dumah singing some kind of rap song.
Dumah: It's Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Peanut Butter and Jelly Time! Now way at, way at, way at, way at! Peanut Butter and Jelly! Peanut Butter and Jelly...
Raziel: What the hell are you doing?!
Dumah: Razzy! You're awake! What time did you get up?
Raziel: Just now. But I need to ask you something.
Dumah: Oh yeah. The music. It's something I learned watching Flashplayer videos. See in some videos this little banana comes out and....
Raziel: Not what I meant. I need to ask you about that tape with me doing stupid, drunken stuff on it.
Dumah: What about it?
Raziel: I'll need to destroy it and all copies of it.
Dumah: No way! How often do we get a chance to tape you discussing philosophical theories with a large rock arrangement?
Raziel: (Under his breath.) Once to often. (Out loud.) That's not the point! The point is....
He grabs his stomach and doubles over.
Raziel: Uhhgh.
Dumah: Dude, are you okay?
Raziel begins to convulse
Dumah: All right. You are definitely not okay! Turel! I need some help over here!
Turel runs into the room.
Turel: What is it?
Dumah: I think something's wrong with Raziel!
Turel looks down at Raziel and sees large bulges on his back. Suddenly the bulges burst free in a bloody explosion.
Dumah: Unholy crap!! What was that?
Turel: I don't know....
Raziel stands up using an end table for support. He now has his infamous wings.
Raziel: That REALLY hurt! (He notices his wings.) Whoa! Turel! Dumah! Do you know what I just did?
Turel: (In a stunned voice) You evolved.
Raziel: Damn straight!
Turel: But... Kain hasn't had any transformation like this. It's not natural!
Raziel: So what? With these wings I'll prowl the streets of Nosgoth as "Raziel-man"! And Dumah! You can be my sidekick! "Dumah-boy"! And Turel can be our butler!
Turel: Not much for creativity, are you?
Dumah: Ooh! Ooh! Can I have a utility belt?
Raziel: Sure!
Turel: Okay. Shut up. We need to think about this. Raziel. What do you think we should do?
Raziel: I want to show off my wings to Kain!
Turel: Are you sure that's such a good idea?
Raziel: Of course it is! I'll walk into Sanctuary and kneel before Kain. He'll see my wings and I'll be like "Dude!" and he'll be like "Whoa!" and I'll be like "Dude!!" and he'll be like "Whoa!!!" Then he'll walk behind me and check out my new wings, then congratulate me. (Snaps out of his daydream.) Turel, Dumah. I need you to go get Kain and tell him to wait at the Pillars 'cuz I've got a surprise for him. After you do that just wait in your spots around his throne 'till I come. I'll go get Rahab, Zephon, and Melchiah.
Dumah: Weee! It's party time!!
Turel: All right. You're the First-born. If that's what you think is best. But remember... Kain if deified...
Raziel :Yeah. Yeah. Clans tell tales of him... few know the truth... was mortal once... contempt for humanity... blahdy, blahdy, blah. I know all it by heart! Now go! Kain's probably in his room playing Resident Evil. If you hurry you can get there before he reaches the Tyrant.
They leave. Raziel goes to Rahab's room and knocks on his door. When there's no answer he opens the door. He sees Rahab laying on his bed reading a comic
Rahab: Yeah! Go Aquaman! Beat on that Black Manta!
Raziel: Ahh... Rahab?
Rahab: (Without looking up from his comic.) What is it Raz?
Raziel: I need you to go stand in the Sanctuary for a little bit.
Rahab: Why? (Looks up from his comic) Raz! You got wings!
Raziel: Yeah, I know. Isn't it cool?
Rahab: I wish that could happen to me. Y'know, I'd evolve in some way completely unique to every one else.
Raziel: Okay. Fine. But right now I need you go to the Sanctuary and prepare my dramatic entrance.
Rahab: Sure thing. Right after I finish this Aquaman comic. In this one Black Manta and Ocean Master team up to...
Raziel: Shut up. Don't care. (Pauses.) Why do you read those things? You know we'll never be able to do what he does. "Water burns like acid" remember?
Rahab: I know. But wouldn't it be cool? You swim through the ocean and whenever you use your powers the narrator says, "Using his telekinetic powers Rahab summons..."
Raziel: (Interrupting) You don't even have any telekinetic powers! Only Kain does.
Rahab: Someday I might. (Bursts into tears.) Why do you always have to destroy my dreams?! (Begins crying uncontrollably.)
Raziel: Whatever. Just make sure you're where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be.
Leaves the room and goes several doors down to Zephon's room. Raziel usually avoided going into Zephon's room but this time it was necessary. He knocks on the door.
Zephon: Enter now and abandon all hope.
He already had. So he entered.
Zephon: The Prodigal Son. There is no returning for you Raziel.
As he entered he saw that the room had changed little. It still resembled something out of a horror flick. The walls were posted with disturbing images. A bookshelf was lined with Satanic Bibles and what must have been his own poetry. The room was only illuminated by a black light hanging from the ceiling and an Electro-globe on an end table.
Raziel: Why do you say that every time I enter your room?
Zephon: For dramatic effect. Someday I may need it.
Raziel: Sure. What is it you do in this room all day?
Zephon: I spend most of my day watching horror movies and writing about how stupid and pointless my life is.
Raziel: No argument there. Hey I need you to go to the pillars and stand there for my entrance.
Zephon: Why should I?
Raziel unfolds his wings.
Zephon: Whoa.... You're so lucky Raziel. Seeing those has made realize how dreary my life truly is. I think I'll go find a cocoon of brick and granite from which to watch a pupating world.
Raziel: You do that. In the meantime you better get your ass over to Sanctuary.
Zephon: Right!
Raziel moves on. At last he comes to Melchiah's room. He opens the door without knocking. Melchiah, being the youngest, has no privacy whatsoever and is constantly at the mercy of his older siblings. Raziel sees his brother gazing at himself in a mirror.
Melchiah: Man I'm pretty!
Raziel: Melchiah?
Melchiah: Raziel! Have you come to bask in my man-prettiness?
Raziel: No. No I haven't. I came to tell you that you need to go to the Pillars and stand around looking important.
Melchiah: But there aren't any mirrors there! What will I happen if can't I look at my beautiful face for five seconds?!
Raziel: You know, you're going to be a pretty sad and pathetic creature when you don't have your good looks anymore.
Melchiah: (Gasp!) Silence your lies! I shall always be prettyful for I am immortal!
Raziel: Sure ya are. Unless you mutate into a decaying bag of flesh that drags himself around cursing his existence.
Melchiah: Yeah. But what are the chances of that happening?
Raziel & Melchiah laugh at that that hilarious scene.
Raziel: Hoohoo. Hehe. Just make sure you're there in a little bit.
Melchiah: Will do. Hee hee hee.
5 minutes later.
Raziel is at the entrance of the Sanctuary of the Clans. He walks in and strides across the room. When he reaches the center he kneels before Kain and unveils his wings. Kain, seeing them, gets up from his throne and goes to examine his first-born's newly acquired gift.
Turel: (Whispering to Dumah.) Hey. If things don't go so well we still got the tape, right?
Dumah: Oh hell yeah.
THE BEGINNING