Disclaimer: Still don't own….
A/N: This was inspired by a Monty Python sketch called, 'Argument Clinic'. Actually, a lot of the script is directly from that sketch, but it just seemed like something that she would do! It's just a Quistis-like thing!
Argument Clinic
Quistis looked stubbornly out of the car's window. The black hair in her face was driving her insane, but every time she tried to tuck it behind an ear, it fell back into place. Her arms crossed and her lips formed into a scowl. "Why are you making me do this?" she whined looking at Kiros.
"Well, how do I put it…" he mused as he leaned closer to the steering wheel. Taking his eyes off of the road for a brief moment, he looked at his friend, "You just haven't been acting like yourself. All of a sudden, you are quick to an argument. I don't want to put up with it, and no one else in the Presidential Palace wants to either. So we're taking you to the Argument Clinic."
"I'm not arguing that much…."
"Yes, Laguna, you are."
"No I'm not!"
Kiros looked at her with his eyes widened. "Alright Laguna, whatever you say."
Agitatedly, she rolled her eyes and resumed staring out the window. Finally the car pulled up to a small brick building, and she got out of the small sports car.
"I'm going to go buy more buns, so Ward will pick you up after your session. Remember, only the five-minute session! We don't have the funding for you to do the full half hour!"
"Whatever…" she slammed the door in his face and walked briskly to the entrance. As she opened the door, she looked around. Everyone seemed to stare at her and whisper, 'it's the president!'. Needless to say, it was annoying.
Rolling her eyes, the former instructor stepped up to the counter where a woman was answering phones. The woman looked surprised and quickly said into the phone, "Sorry mom. The presidents here!" then, beaming at him, she hung up.
"Good morning, I would like to have an argument please," Quistis said bluntly.
"Certainly sir!" the woman said perkily. "Have you been here before?"
"No, this is my first time."
"I see. Well we'll see who's free at the moment. Uh…Mr. Bakley's free….but he's a little bit conciliatory…" she paused to laugh at herself. When Quistis didn't join in, she started again nervously. "Uh…try Mr. Bard. Room 12."
"Thank you." She began down the hall, whistling to keep entertained for the time being. It wasn't long before she stood in front of a room that had the number 12 on the door. Taking a deep breath, she swung it open to be greeted by a very temperamental man.
"What do you want!?" he roared, looking directly in her direction. President or no, he seemed infuriated.'
"Well I was standing outside-" Quistis started uneasily.
"Don't give me that you snotty faced parrot dropping!"
"What!?"
"Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous, stuffy nosed, malodorous pervert!" It sounded as if he was going to say more, but before he could Quistis yelled.
"I came in here for argument!"
"Oh!" the man roared again, then looking embarrassed changed his tone, "Oh? I'm sorry! This is abuse!"
"Oh! I see!" Quistis said, smiling. She really didn't want to tick this man off again.
"No! You want room 12A, next door!" The man seemed almost normal now, though she wasn't sure she wanted to stay in the room much longer.
"Oh, sorry."
"Not at all!" the man laughed, then under his breath he mumbled, "stupid git…" Quistis looked behind her, but said nothing. Hurriedly, she made her way next door.
"Is this the right room for argument?" she asked. There was a man sitting behind a desk. He had short red hair and green eyes,
"I've told you once…" he said looking up.
"…No you haven't."
"Yes I have."
"When?"
"Just now."
"No you didn't!" Quistis yelled, getting angry. Cleary, he had never said anything along those lines!
"Yes I did!"
"You didn't!"
"I'm telling you I did!"
"You didn't!"
"I'm sorry, is this the five minute argument? Or the full half hour?"
"Ah, just the five minutes," Quistis said, smiling.
"Just the five minutes? Thank you! Anyway, I did."
"You most certainly didn't!"
"Now let's get one thing perfectly clear, I most definitely told you so!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh look…this isn't an argument!!" she yelled, slamming her hand down on the table.
"Yes it is…" the man said, looking back down at his desk.
"No it isn't!" Sighing, she looked around the room. "It's just contradiction."
"No it isn't!" the man exclaimed, sounding offended.
"It is!"
"It is not!"
"It is! You just contradicted me!"
"No I didn't!"
"You did!"
"No, no, no, no!"
"You did just that!"
"Nonsense!"
"Oh, this is futile!" Quistis yelled, throwing her hands in the air.
"No it isn't…"
"Yes it is!" she roared at him. "I came here for a good argument!"
"Ah no you didn't! You came here for an argument."
"An argument isn't just contradiction!" the stressed out former SeeD explained.
"Well…it can be."
"No it can't! An argument is a connective of statements intended to establish a proposition."
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it is! It isn't just contradiction!"
"Look," the red head started, "If I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position!"
"Yes, but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'!"
"Yes it is!"
"NO IT ISN'T!"
"Yes it is!"
"No it isn't!" pushing the black hair back, she tried a different approach. "An argument is an intellectual process, contradiction is just the automatic gain say of anything the other person says."
"It is NOT!"
"It is!"
"Not at all!"
"Yes it is!"
"Thank you, that's it!" the man exclaimed, dinging a bell on his desk.
"What?" Now, she was angry and confused.
"That's it. Good morning."
"But…I was just getting interested!"
"Well, I'm sorry but the five minutes is up."
"That was never five minutes!" she said checking her watch and staring down at him from her standing position.
"I'm afraid it was."
"No it wasn't!" It was a desperate attempt to start the argument back up, but it didn't work.
"I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore," the man said, picking up some of his papers.
"What!?"
"If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes."
"But that was never five minutes just now!" Quistis whined, but the man didn't seem to care. "Oh, come on!" The red head still didn't seem interested. "Oh! This is…this is…ridiculous!"
"I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!"
Quistis started looking around for another solution. Kiros would probably kill her if he found out that she paid for another five minutes, but she was not about to leave the argument at that! Desperately, she reached into Laguna's baggy khaki pants pocket and pulled out some gil. "Oh, all right. There you are."
"Thank you," he said, taking the money.
"Well…" This was great! She paid for another five minutes, and she couldn't remember what they were arguing about in the first place!
"Well what?"
She racked her mind for anything, then she said the first thing that came to mind. "That was never five minutes just now!"
"I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!!"
Now Quistis was very confused. "But…I just paid…"
"No you didn't!"
"I did!"
"Liar! Did not!"
"I did!"
"Did not!"
"B-But! I don't want to argue about it!"
"Well, I'm really sorry but you didn't pay!"
Now she was raving mad. She had distinctly remembered handing him that money! Then, it clicked. "Ah! Well, if I didn't pay…why are you arguing?" The man had nothing to say for that. "Ahhhh! Gotcha!" she laughed madly.
"No you haven't…"
"Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must've paid!"
"Not necessarily!" there was a short pause, "I could be arguing in my spare time!"
"Oh? I've had enough of this!"
"No you haven't!"
"Yes I have!"
"No you haven't!"
"YES I HAVE!" she yelled, then she stomped angrily out of the room. That man had the nerve to jip her out of her money! She didn't even stay for the full five minutes she paid for the second time, though she really didn't care.
Angrily, she stormed out of the Argument Clinic and waited for Ward to pick her up. She had only been in the Palace for a day, and already they could tell something was wrong? That wasn't good. And, the entire time she had been there she hadn't seen Ward. Just Kiros. So, it would be nice to talk to someone new.
The honking of a horn brought her out of her train of thought and she looked to see Ward sitting in a pick up truck, beaming from ear to ear.
Grateful to get away from the crazy place, she jumped into the truck beside him. "How's it goin' Ward?"
"…"
"NEVER MAKE ME GO THERE AGAIN!"
"……."
"So, how are things at the Palace? I didn't miss anything did I?"
"……"
"Aren't you going to say anything?" she asked, looking at him.
"…." The big man didn't do so much as take his eyes off of the road.
Quistis looked at the man next to her. Why wasn't he saying anything!? "C'mon boy! Speak!" she demanded.
"…..!"
"Oh Hyne! I had to deal with enough people with speech impediments! Why another one!?" She yelled dramatically, placing her hand to her forehead. "Just take me back to the Palace!"
Again, he didn't answer, but he did seem to follow orders.
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I hope you enjoyed it! Are you wondering what is going on with our friends at Balamb Garden? Well, you'll have to find out next chapter! Sorry this one is so slow at updating. We've taken on too many projects at once! Oh! And if you enjoy reading Squelphies, then please read our new story called 'Taming the Lion'. It hasn't been posted yet, but we'll be sure to let you know when it is! Review, please!