Protocol Omega Chapter 44: Return of the Kink, a digimon fanfic

Chapter 44: The Return of the Kink

Tina grinned. "I can't wait to try out Co-op digivolving for myself!"

"Me either," Youngdramon agreed. But, after a moment's thought, she added, "Although surrendering my mind totally to a non-sentient pokémon doesn't at-first sound like the most fun thing in the world to do."

"True…but there's power, there's new attacks, there's a completely new science to fighting…it's not all that bad."

"I guess…so, what's on the agenda for today? More orphanage duty?"

"Probably…say, we've been wanting to do the bridge skit for a long time…why don't we do that one for today?"

"I thought we were saving that for a day when the kids were down, though," Youngdramon pointed out, waddling after Tina as they walked to the auditorium where the orphans were sleeping.

"We were," Tina answered. She let Youngdramon peek in the door, and there wasn't the usual joyous cry of "TINA!!!" and the kids rushing at her. (She loved the kids, and they loved her back. But they had a funny way of showing it, today.) There were only sad faces: three of the orphans had wandered into a time field that made them starve to death in seconds when it should have taken weeks. There was no stench, no scream, only unbelievably fast decay and a trio of clad skeletons lying on the floor. A few other children saw it, and they were scared out of their wits…thinking, What if that had been me? What would happen if everyone had that happen to them?

"I think we'd better get the crowd-controls," Youngdramon said. "And we'd better have June put them in."

"I'll get the sweatshirt and the Staff of Artifice."

"I'll fetch the candy."

******

June had no trouble understanding what went where, but she had a great deal of trouble understanding what the purpose of all this was. She had set up the crowd-controls from the stage door to the middle of the stage, but she didn't understand what the purpose of the crowd-controls was. Nor did she understand why there were planks of wood lying in sequence between the crowd controls like railroad ties. She felt she knew even less when Tina showed up with a tattered sweatshirt and a clear, plastic backpack filled with assortments of candy. The strangest part was when Youngdramon appeared with a wizard's hat and a strange-looking staff in one claw.

"You wanna clue me in?" June asked.

"It's all for a skit."

"I could tell that…you're going to do another one?"

"Can you think of a better time when I should?"

"…Okay, but I want to see how it goes."

"You will. I have Kari and Brock working the lights and sound. This will be my best skit yet!"

******

The children were a little scared when the lights dimmed, but they began to get the idea that a show was starting when the lights on the stage brightened. They saw Youngdramon at one end of the makeshift bridge, holding her magic wand, reading a huge book, and chanting her "magic spell":

"class Cloud extends Object

{

final static double MAX_CAPACITY = 200000080.07;

double myPayload;

double myRateOfDischarge;

public Cloud(double payload, double rateOfDischarge)

{

myPayload = payload;

myRateOfDischarge = rateOfDischarge;

}

public void Lightning()

{

Graphic.drawBolt();

Sound.playThunder(loud);

}

public static void…"

As Youngdramon continued, a cardboard-cutout cloud slowly swung over her and dumped a bucketful of water on her back. This blasted her wizard's hat off her head and made her shout, "Oooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!! …I knew I should've studied for this spelling test!"

Kari then played sound effects of thunder and began flashing the lights to make it look like a storm was brewing. Also, Brock switched on a fan that blew leaves and bits of paper around stage, and made Youngdramon's wizard hat go flying away. Youngdramon snapped her jaws at the hat to keep from losing it, but with no success. She let out an angry snort and said, "I lose more hats that way!"

It was about at this point that Tina came walking on stage, acting like the burden of the candy was too much for her, and that the storm was really hindering her progress. She walked onto the bridge, but Youngdramon shouted, "Hey, you! What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm trying to get this candy to those kids! Look at me! I'm a wreck: I've journeyed for almost two minutes to try and get it to them! And then this storm rolls in…"

"Oh, but this is my bridge. Only the people I let cross ever make it to the other side!"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, a wizard and a bridge…the wizard guards the bridge and won't let anyone cross unless she answers three questions."

"What happens if I get a question wrong?"

"What?!"

"I said, what happens if I get one wrong---you know, this storm is really getting in the way of communication!"

"That's my fault," Youngdramon said. "Now, let me see…the way this terminates is through the System.exit() method, so I---"

"Will you hurry up and turn off this shower??!"

"I'm on it, I'm on it…

"System.exit(1);"

Kari put her voice over the PA, and said, in the most computer-like voice she could generate, "System halted. Fatal error." The lightning and thunder and wind promptly stopped.

"Thanks," Tina said, taking off her sweatshirt and wringing out about a liter of water. (Really, she had hidden a water balloon in the huge front pocket of the shirt, which burst the moment she squeezed it. She wasn't wet at all.) "That was a real soaker."

"It wasn't supposed to be. I misplaced the decimal point in the double rateOfDischarge. So…anyway…where were we?"

"Um…you were about to let me cross the bridge."

"Of course! Be my guest and---hey, wait a sec! No, I wasn't! I was about to ask you the three questions."

"What kind of questions?"

Youngdramon answered darkly, "The Satire-on-America version of the millionaire game."

"What if I get a question wrong?"

"It varies from wizard to wizard. Some wizards take your money, others skip steps when you click the 'next' button…as for me, I'm thinking atomic wedgie."

Tina let out a disgusted sigh. "Okay, ask away."

"Question number one: what is 2 + 2? Is it (a): 4 (b): I want to file a lawsuit (c): I declare war on you, or (d): Pass the cholesterol, please."

"Tina gave the question some thought, and then gave her thoughts question," Kari narrated into the microphone. "It was a tough call; all those seemed to be appropriate answers. But she finally came to this conclusion:"

Tina said, "It's D."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Sí, it is."

"C your final answer?"

"That would be it."

"B?"

Tina looked like she was straining to hear. "Eh?"

"A? You're right. Next question: When did the Titanic sink? Is it (a): I think I'll use subjectivisation to solve all my problems, (b): 1912, (c): buy now, pay later, or (d): I want to make all of Latin America learn English?"

"It's C."

"Final answer?"

"That's D one."

"D?"

"Actually, I've got another question coming, so the correct article here is not 'the' final answer, but 'a'."

"A?"

"That it would be."

"B? You're right again! …This is too easy; I've gotta come up with a stumper…What's the volume of Gabriel's Horn?"

"Oh, that's easy. ∫1∞ π dx/x2 = π; that's the easiest hard question in the book---"

"Wrongo! Gabriel isn't blowing his horn at all, so the volume is cranked to zero! Sayonara, baby! Now, let me see how this wedgie incantation works…

"class Underwear extends Clothes

{

public static void main()

{

int---

"Hey, what're you doing?! You can't just leave like that when you---"

Tina wasn't listening. She stepped over Youngdramon and began handing out candy to the front row. Youngdramon angrily snapped her staff in two. "Cody was right: magic is evil! This job sure isn't getting me any perks!"

The children were laughing hysterically as they eagerly accepted hugs and kisses---the hugs from Tina and the kisses from out of the backpack---and they all felt a lot better after this skit. (And it was all too endearing to hear one of the orphans say, "I bet you need a hug after walking through a storm like that," and then everyone agreed.) Tina and Youngdramon had done their jobs for that day. Or so they wished…

******

"Great…real nice job, watching construction in the sleet," Ewemon muttered, fluffing up its sweater.

"Pipe down, Ewemon. It's the first job you've done right," The Unnamed Figure shot back.

"Thanks for the complement," Ewemon sneered. "Frankly, I don't see what good this does us."

"You will. You know what they're constructing?"

"Do I care?"

"This is going to be the biggest ator factory that they've ever made yet. This will be able to crank out three giantors every minute. That'll give the so-called 'heroes' something to reckon with."

"It's not useful if it takes our jobs!" Blackgatomon snarled. "If the sub-major doesn't need our help, he'll drop us like a hot potato!"

"This won't take our jobs at all," he answered. "They've got something special in mind for me, at the very least…"

"Such as?"

"Top secret information, kitty-cat. I'm not in the mood to share. But I think it wouldn't be that bad a light show for you to watch this little arrangement," he added, pointing to the lift-tors walking away from the new machine.

"Clave-tor-d'dhor, noh kreshnaiona djom…clave-tor-yond'dhor!"

"That is a beast," Ewemon admitted.

"And we get to lead its minions on their way," The Unnamed Figure added as staggered bursts of light let out a man-droid every second. Every four mandroids that exited the factory merged into gorillouts. "At this rate, we'll be unstoppable…!"