Picking up the Pieces

Note: I've come to realize that I've been writing and thinking an awful lot about the abuse Rowan has gone through, and that some readers out there have had a similar experience. I've decided to include three links to a self-help website for those who might have been abused or know of some one who is being abused, as I hate to admit it, I needed some of these websites myself. I hope that you can find solace in the friends around you and here on the net. You can find the links on my author info page.

Second Note: Since I turned 19 today (yea!!) And am now legalThis is my birthday girft from me to yousince I really like this chapter!! Hope you do too!

Disclaimers: I own Rowan, Charlie the plot. Laird owns the TMNT characters and a psychiatrist owns the websites.

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While watching television Rowan ignored the worried looks that both April and Casey would give her whenever she tried to hide her. Moving over and sitting beside the younger woman April took a deep breath before plunging into an argument that the two had been through before.

"Rowan, we know that it's hard, but you need to understand that you're not in this alone. You know we think that counseling would work, but you have to agree to it. Please, talk to me."

Slowly, and with what seemed to take a large amount of energy, Rowan turned her head toward April. April looked at the bloodshot eyes and tear streaked face that had replaced the cheerful woman ever since Charlie had been put in bed.

"April, I told you before, I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm beyond help, I mean, I ran from him. I knew that Don wouldn't hurt me, I know it, but I still ran. Just, leave me alone." She finished, her voice kept low to hide her emotions.

Sighing heavily, April stood up and moved down the hall closely followed by Casey. Shaking her head she tried to hide tears of her own, wishing beyond hope that there was more that she could do for her friend. Once alone in their bedroom Casey's anger at the dead husband came out.

"I don't understand it! How can a man do that to a woman and still be able to look at himself in the mirror?! Look at her April! She's afraid of her own shadow! I wish he were alive just so I could make him feel as much fear as she does!!"

April put a hand on his arm to calm him. "Case, keep your voice down, she'll hear you." When he sat down, visibly forcing himself to rein in his anger she continued. "I know what you mean, I hate him as much as you do, but it wouldn't do to get this riled up over a corpse! What's done is done; all we can do is to be here for her!"

Sitting down beside him, she placed her head on his shoulder, smiling as his arm went around her.

"I just wish there was more we could do." He lamented.

~*~

Leonardo came outside the kitchen. Sipping his tea he could hear a faint sound of Donatello clicking away at his computer. Listening outside the door for a second, he could hear a faint sniffle could barely be heard over the typing of the keyboard. Knowing he shouldn't, but worried about his brother he knocked.

The sound of the clacking didn't stop, but the sniffling did.

"Who is it?"

"It's me Don; can I talk to you for a second?"

"I guess."

Opening the door to the medium sized car, Leonardo stepped inside and viewed the surroundings for a moment. He noted that Rowans' mug was still on her desk' from the day before.

"Don, we're worried about you, you've holed yourself up again. Shouldn't you call Rowan and talk to her?"

Pushing his chair away from the desk, Donatello rubbed his eyes and looked up at his brother, "I wanted to do some research first; she needs someone who will understand what she's going through."

Leo glanced at the screen and saw that he was on a medical forum of some sort; words like rape and mental scarring and suicide were the first that caught his attention.

"I think what Ro' needs right now is to know that the one she cares for is there for her."

"It's not that simple oniichan, I need to be prepared. I should have been prepared. But she never showed any signs of trauma since his death, and I foolishly believed that she might have been stronger than the memories." The purple banded turtle finished, moving back to the computer to glean more information from the board.

Leonardo knew that Donatello only called him big brother when he was at a loss. When the genius of the four had finally found something he didn't know how to fix, he would hope that Leo would have the answers.

Laying a hand on his shoulder, Leonardo began to assert his position as the eldest of the four.

"Don, listen to me, I know that you're worried about her, we all are. But stop and consider this for a moment. Don't you suspect that while you're down here, she's up there alone probably thinking that you might have seen her at her worst and is terrified of what you think of her now?"

His fingers froze over the keyboard, hovering there for a moment before he stood. His eyes lingered on the notebook beside the empty mug with a coffee ring around the bottom. The coiled book held information of triggers for buried memories, emotions, PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), and help for trauma victims.

Leonardo saw Donatellos' lips move and he looked at him, thinking he said something to him, Leo asked him to repeat it.

"I'm scared Leo, I mean" Sighing he ran a hand over his head. "What am I doing, really? She's human and she deserves so much more than I can give her. She needs a boyfriend that can take her for walks in the park, show her that there's nothing to be afraid of anymore. She needs things that I as a turtle can't give her."

His leader watched him closely. "What do you mean by that? Are you saying that you don't want to be with her anymore?"

"No! No, but that's the thing, I want her to have the best of everything and I want to be there when she gets it."

Nodding, Leo moved toward the door. "I thought as much; you really should go to her. I think that's the best thing she could have right now."

Following suit, Donatello came outside his car; notebook in one hand and a jacket in the other.

"Yea, you're right, thanks."

Smiling, Leonardo watched his brother shrug on the long jacket.

"Oh, and Don...? Maybe you should mention that Raph wants to talk to Rowan when she feels better. He feels really bad over what happened."

Both hands on the rungs of the exit ladder, Donatello nodded. "I'll mention it, but tell him that she'll need some time away from him for a bit." He replied, beginning his ascent topside.

~*~

Rowan leaned forward to read the small print from the movie, only to find that it said something inconsequential. Flopping back into the soft cushions she watched again as Sean Connery kissed Catherine Zeta-Jones goodbye before getting off the elevator. She thought back wistfully to the first time she had been kissed, it had been sweet, passionate and yet, it had left a bitter taste in her mouth.

Rowan thought back to the time when her and Jake had made love, and shuddered. He had been her first, and hopefully her last. If that's what sex felt like, I never want to feel that way again. The feeling of shame crept forward from the back of her mind and Rowan was again reminded of how her body betrayed her.

Focusing in on the present around her, she watched the credits roll by on the dark screen. Looking at the watch on the inside of her left wrist, she took notice of how late it was. A knock on the door caused her to jump and grab a pillow, holding it against her chest for protection.

The knock came again, a little more forceful than before.

"Rowan? Ro' it's me, Donnie, please open the door."

Donnie? Is it you? Slowly, with the pillow still in front of her, Rowan moved toward the door. As she looked out the peephole, the knocking stopped.

As she saw Donatello worriedly stare back through the small glass hole, she felt a glimmer of humor at how his appearance changed when he came closer. The concave glass in the peephole made it seem like Donnie's eyes were bulging out at distorted angles, while his beak seemed to grow by leaps and bounds. Rowan couldn't contain her laughter. She giggled just a little; the first such expression she had felt in a while.

"Rowan, pleasejust open the door."

Grasping the knob she turned it slowly, leaving the chain still on, she peaked out through the small gap it allowed.

"Don? What are you doing here; it's after one in the morning?"

Standing back to show that he meant her no harm he spread his hands out before him.

"Rowan, I thought that we should talk about what happened yesterday, so could I come inside? I promise I won't hurt you."

Still staring at him, her eyes darted around his face trying hard to see if there was any truth in what he was asking.

"Ino Don, if you have something to say, I'd feel better if you said it from there."

Seeing his face crumple she was about to change her mind when he sat down, preparing to stay for a bit as he emptied out the contents of his knapsack. She watched him pull out a red coiled notebook and a few pages of printouts.

"What're those?" She asked, sticking her finger outside the door to point at what littered the hallway around him.

"They're for you; I came here to apologize about what happened the other day." He began to come closer but she removed her hand and threatened to shut the door.


Backing up he sighed. "Okay, I understand. Listen Rowan, what happened to you should never happen to anyone, but under terrible circumstances it did. I need you to try and understand that I'm here because I care for you a great deal"

"Do you love me?" She asked suddenly, cutting him off.

"What?" He couldn't see her face, only her legs showed from where she had sat down against the wall beside the door.

"Do you love me?" She repeated.

"Of course I do."

One eye peaked around the corner, "Say it then, if you mean it."

Taking the chance of having a door slammed in his face, he crawled over to it and looked Ro square in the eye.

"I love you Rowan Emerson."

She frowned, "Don't call me that. I hate that name!"

"What? Emerson?"

"Yes, it's not my maiden name anyway. My maiden name is Freeman and I've decided to go back to it."

"Rowan Freemanit sounds nice, kind of exoticit suits you very well."

She smiled wanly, "Really? I always hated the name, but now I can't see myself as anything else."

He heard the wistful tone of her voice and wondered what kind of childhood she must have had to make her think that Jake was so much better.

"Ro'? Can I come in yet? I really don't want you to be alone." Donatello pleaded again.

Crossing her arms over her chest she turned her head away from the opening, wiping furtively at the tears that rolled down her freckled cheeks.

"I had a dream last night, after April had insisted on giving me that sleeping aid."

Don could tell that this dream was important from the soft tone and emotion in her voice.

"In this dream, you and I were out dancing in public, only we were in a night club for ballroom dancing. Hah, can you believe it; ballroom dancing in a techno night club?" She paused to laugh a bit at the memory before continuing.

"Anyway, we were waltzing around the room in circles, and even though the place was very packed, it felt like we were the only two people in the room. Everyone gave us our distance, but not because of how you looked, but because they respected us."

Slowly, the turtle began to inch his hand through the door, resting it lightly on her small trembling one. Looking down at their hands she continued.

"You had your arms wrapped around me as we twirled and twirled all around the dance floor. Hmm. sometimes you would spin me around, and my back would end up against your chest and your hands would hold up my arms. And when I'd rest my head on your shoulder, you held me protectively." Rowan sighed reminiscently, "Never in any dream or reality did I ever feel such peace and did I ever feel so loved and safe. The people around us stopped and stared at how beautiful we were together, and the floor came alight with colors of orange, yellow and red outlined in an immense cross. And we were dancing in the center of it all."

Donatello felt pride well up inside of him at how her subconscious reacted to his love when her waking mind tried to refuse it.

"But then the lights went out and we kept dancing, ignoring all those around us. A man stood before me in the cross with a small bundle in his hands, I was the only one who could see him. You were oblivious to all but me and this man without a face sat the thing on the floor in front of me, and then vanished. As you pulled me into another dance, I glanced down at the package and saw that it was a bomb."

His hand tightened on hers as her breath quickened, and her words came out more quickly, more scared.

"And the numbers ticked down faster than I could count, almost like it was fast forwarding. I tried to tell you, but you looked down and smiled as you dipped me down right beside it. It was then that it went off; killing us both." Her breathing came out in shuddering gasps, and she tried desperately not to start crying again, yet feeling weak when she couldn't stop the tears.

When he thought she was finished he attempted to calm her down.

"Ro' it's okay, it was only a dream. You don't have to worry, I'll protect you."

With a jerk Rowan pulled her hand out of his.

"Don't you see? This dream means that you will get hurt if you stay with me. I don't want you to be hurt Donnie! I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you or your brothers."

"Shh. nothing is going to happen, it was just a nightmare conjured up by a much stressed out mind." He waited for a response, but heard only sniffles and muffled sobbing. "Rowan, please open the door, let me in so I can help you."

He watched through the crack as she stood up. Using the wall for support she closed the door, allowing the chain to go slack so she could unlock it. Slowly, and with great care, Rowan opened the door again. When the door opened fully to the worried turtle, Rowan wasn't sure if she had done the right thing.

Enveloping her within his strong arms Don whispered promises to her, refusing to let her go when she tried to pull away.

"Don, please, you'll get hurt, I know it! Everyone I care for always ends up hurt."

"No, I don't care Ro'. Listen to me and believe me when I say this. I love you, and I will not abandon you over a dream, over past experiences or of those to come."

Allowing herself to be pulled into another hug, she looked down. Unsure if she was doing the right thing, but allowing Donatello to feel he had won the fight.

"Just like a typical male, always has to have his own way." She said softly with a faint smile, causing Don to grin down at her.

~*~

In the bedroom, April shut the door quietly and returned to Casey who watched her worriedly.

"How are they?"

Settling down beside him, she lied back against him. "Still rough, but I think things are looking up."

"That's good, I would hate for 'gak' brain to lose his only girl." Casey stated with a chuckle.

"Sheesh, you're impossible Case, ya know that?" She replied good-naturedly, elbowing him in the stomach.

"Off.aww come on, you know that's why you like me."

"No, I don'tremind me again."

Smiling like a little boy, Casey leaned over and gently kissed her.

"How was that?"

"Hmm," She paused, seeming to think it over. "Nope, I think I need more of a refresher."

"Oh yea?"

Grinning back, "Yea."

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The End

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Reader Reviews!!!

Ramica: Yes, fighting is never good, but when it involves Raphael and Leonardo, it can be terrible someimes Hope you liked the last chapter!

Gummadoon Fanatic: Hah, I agree, I think that Raph needs to look into Anger Management or something!

Snowfire the Kitsune: I hope the woman is feeling better, and noit's never easy to see someone revert to such a stateI knnow it's been a while, but I'm glad you all were patient. Oh, and I hope you get your mischief back ^_^.

Pretender Fanatic: Hey, I actually heard that song for the first time a bit after reading this reviewbut it is a really good song! I don't think it's by Nellymaybe some one elseI know what you mean about songs! Sometimes I can only write to a spefic song myself! LOLAs for subconscious memories, they usually come out at inopurtune momentsAs for painting myself in a corner.I hope I didn't do it with this one!I've been known to do that, and end up kicking myself when I find out ^_^;;;

Rene: Flashbacks are a b*t*ch, and I'm glad that I was able to protray it the right way, thank you for the commenthope you liked this chapter!