Ken stared up at the ceiling . Only feeble lights, blinking and dancing from the machines connected to his body, illuminated the room .
Aya had gone home to get some rest . The doctor had persuaded him to go and Ken had pretended to be asleep so that Aya would allow himself to be herded outside without any further threats of death and carnage .
Aya was like that at times , but Ken knew that his bark was worse than his bite , for he had always been so gentle to him .
There was no way that his brother would go if he knew Ken was awake .
Schuldich was dozing at his bedside , his hand gripping Ken's wrist possessively . It made Ken smile , to see how much the redhead regarded him even in his sleep . He brushed away the silky tendrils of hair and sighed sadly .
The truth was , Ken couldn't sleep . He couldn't drift away .
He had woken from a troubled slumber , plagued with nightmares and unattainable wishes . Schuldich's face haunted him even in the inner depths of his and it hurt like friggin hell .
Ken could never forget .
He could never fail to remember those fiery orange tresses or the sparkling jade eyes . He could never not hear the confident alto of his voice or the confident laughter . He couldn't just bring himself to lose the thoughts of his tenderness ... of his love .
Schuldich Schwarz .
Schuldich .
Schwarz .
It was strange how different it felt now to be saying his name ; how different it was to say his name now from before .
When Schuldich had said his name on that first day , about one month or so ago , Ken felt his heart skip a beat and it felt comfortable , just to call him Schuldich , or Schu was enough for him to think that the other man felt at least some friendship towards him ... but now ... it was as if the three syllables took a different meaning .
Schuldich's name didn't bring friendship anymore ...
It brought comfort , strength ... it didn't bring friendship , but it brought a surge of love so strong that Ken would almost forget that he was sick .
He knew Schuldich loved him as much as he loved Schuldich , he knew that his ... passing ... would only bring him pain ; it would take his lover some time before he could accept .
Maybe a month ...
Maybe a week ...
Maybe a year ...
Maybe a day ...
He didn't care how long it would take for Schuldich to forget him ; the truth was , he didn't want to be forgotten by the by the only person who loved him that way , but he also loved Schuldich so much that he didn't want the photographer to nurse the pain .
He closed his eyes and briefly pictured the redhead's grinning face in his mind's eye , watching him as he laughed at Ken . He imagined him taking pictures , laughing at Ken's antics and jokes .
Maybe he should have let go sooner .
Maybe he shouldn't have waited for Schuldich to find out .
Oh , why didn't he find a way ? Why didn't he just send Schuldich away before he could cause him pain ?
He could've pretended to not love him anymore . He could have pretended that Schuldich wasn't the one he was looking for , that Schuldich wasn't enough for him .
Yes , dear God , that would hurt him , but that was nothing compared to what was in store for him .
He could have even just let him go to the tall , raven-haired man , Crawford .
There were so many ways that he could have saved Schuldich from the pain – but no , he was just too selfish . He wanted Schuldich to remain by his side , to continue on loving him the way he did .
Oh God !
What had he done ?
He had hurt Schuldich so much , he had caused the only person he had ever loved a great deal of pain , just because he was too selfish to let go ...
For a week , Schuldich had fallen asleep at his side , ignoring the angry glares of Aya . For one whole week , he had not budged from his position even with the doctor's threat of the hospital security save to drive home , bathe and change his clothes .
He knew Aya didn't approve of his relationship with ' the arrogant bastard photographer ' but he also knew that Aya cared too much to force them apart especially after the incident the day before .
And for those seven days , he had seen the pain lurking in the depths of Schuldich's soulful eyes .
They had not spoken about his sickness yet . Perhaps they weren't ready yet to talk about that . He wasn't sure that they would ever be ready , or that he would last long enough to live .
" Schuldich ..."
Maybe it would hurt the redhead more than it would hurt him .
Because it was Schuldich who was being left , not the other way around .
He rubbed his eyes tiredly , knowing without looking at himself that he looked magnificently terrible . He wondered how Schuldich reacted to seeing him like that .
Schuldich had always been saying that Ken was 'beautiful' , that he was perfect . Schuldich had always been so nice to him like no one else had been .
The fact that Schuldich , who in Ken's eyes the most perfect human on the face of the planet , loved him , made his heart burst in its cage . Plain old Ken Hidaka was loved by the famous , handsome , charming Schuldich Schwarz .
His thoughts drifted away , remembering the soft comfort and the wonderful love he had gotten from the redhead and imagined what his future would be like , living with Schuldich .
They'd be living in the large penthouse flat and Aya would be on the floor just below them . He'd be earning more than enough from his advertisement modeling to keep Aya from working two jobs and they could finally buy whatever they wanted without having to worry what to eat the next day . They would go to buy new clothes , then they'd visit amusement parks , all three of them .
Somehow , he would manage to bring Schuldich and Aya to at least like each other , if not , he could even settle for toleration .
He laid there , a contented look on his face as he imagined what the future with Schuldich held for him .
Life would be perfect .
Don't try to fool yourself . A voice inside his head snapped harshly . There is NO future for you . Not with Schuldich , not with anyone .
The voice was right ... he no longer had a future . He could think that way before – he could make believe that his sickness would just magically disappear without a trace and he'd be back in school , playing soccer , with his friends .
It was too late to pretend now . It was too late for anything now ...
A ghost of a smile parted his lips . It wasn't one of happiness or amusement ... it was a derisory smile . He was amazed by the irony of it all .
Before he met Schuldich , it was all too easy to pretend that nothing was wrong , that everything was going to be all right .
Somehow , he was glad that his 'friends' had distanced themselves from him , because it would mean that he wouldn't have to talk to them about his ... sickness ... he didn't want to leave anyone unhappy – even if they weren't sincere to him after all .
He had never thought of it before , but somehow , he already knew long before that they were just using him . Some wanted his academic boost , some wanted to purloin a bit of his popularity .
Everyone wanted something at least . It was always take and take and take .
'Hey Ken , could you help me with this ?' or 'Nice save Ken ! By the way , I'm Murasaki . Would you like to go out and celebrate' , 'Ken , could you convince Professor Treiger to put a passing mark on my paper ?' or 'Ken , I'm going to join the varsity tryouts . Could you drop in a good word for me ?'
They always needed something from him .
They took enough from him to drain him of everything . He had felt empty in the company of his so-called friends , and yet he had turned a blind eye to it .
He assumed that it was just normal , that it was just his illness talking but then , when he had dropped out , they scattered away like flies , leaving him with nothing but his emptiness .
He had accepted death then .
He had accepted that he was going to die soon , within the year , he was told . He had already resigned himself to his fate to wait for the moment when he had to say good-bye to his brother and just leave without a trace . He would be just one of the nameless and the faceless whom no one remembered . Only Aya would remember .
But then , Schuldich walked into his life , dressed in his long coat with his hair tossed regally behind him , a large black contraption hanging from his neck and everything changed . What had once been taken , he was now given .
The acceptance that he had fought so long to attain had suddenly gone within just mere moments .
He was ready to die ... but now , Schuldich had given him a reason to be afraid of death ... because Schuldich was reason enough .
He glanced at his palm and watched the tubes run from his wrist , transporting liquids in and out of his body .
How easy it would be to pull those tubes and be done with it ... he would no longer have to think about the consequences of his relationship , or the results of his actions ...
... but Schuldich was coming tonight ... he couldn't just leave him without saying good-bye ... he couldn't leave without saying 'I love you' .
He just couldn't desert Schuldich and Aya like that , it would be unfair for both of them .
He hoped that he would be gone soon , that he didn't have long to wait . Each moment was a dusting agony and the knowledge that he was going to die sooner or later made him feel impatient to let the darkness claim him .
The coin of life and death had been tossed and the decision had been made . He knew that struggling against the tide would be pointless , he would drown and sink ; but he'd like to say goodbye before that happened .
Only two people mattered .
Two fiery people ... with red hair . One arrogant , the other faultily cold . So different and so the same .
Schuldich , his first love ; Aya , his only family .
They would perchance find each other when he was gone . They would perhaps take comfort in the fact that he loved them both to death ...
All the thinking and the painful agony had drained him without his moving a single finger . He felt like he had played a ten-hour soccer game , running across the field with eleven other men chasing after him .
He closed his eyes slowly and let sleep claim him , no longer aware of the tiny trickle of blood snaking its way from his nostrils .
It would be dawn soon , and dreams offered much more beautiful fairytales than the cruel reality .
His dreams would offer him health , and he'd be living safe and healthy with the two people he loved most in the world .
† † †
" It's so cold today ..." Ken shivered and snuggled closer to Schuldich , burying his face against Schuldich's strong shoulder .
Schuldich smiled and ruffled the hazel mess of hair tucked under his chin .
They were watching the sun set from the edge of the city bay and marveled at the golden tones of the dying sun's rays .
There were reds and oranges , golds and warm yellow , burgundy and ginger ...
" I'm glad they let me out of the hospital . You know I can't stand staying there for more than thirty minutes ." Ken glanced up at the redhead with a tiny smile lingering gently at the corner of his lips .
" They wanted to keep you for at least a week more , but I told them , No hell ! I knew you wouldn't want to stay there for any longer ... besides , I miss going out into the city with you ."
" Are you sure Aya's fine with us tramping all over the city ? I mean , well , not that I'm complaining , I'm just surprised that he let us go ."
" Oh sure , he didn't say a word , although I get the idea that he wanted to say that if you get hurt or anything of the sort , he'll have my head . Although I don't plan on letting anything happen to you ."
He nuzzled the sensitive part at the nape of Ken's neck and smirked in pleased amusement when the brunette swatted him playfully on the shoulder . " Heyyy ! What's the big idea ?!" He demanded .
Schuldich grinned . " Nothing . I just missed you , that's all ."
" But you were with me the whole time !" Ken protested , his eyes wide and round as saucers . He was a child , like that .
The sun had finally set below the horizon , and they were suddenly engulfed in blue-black darkness . Only one star twinkled vividly in the heavenly canopy .
" Schuldich ..." Ken gazed gently at the redhead , his expression tender . " I ..."
Suddenly , there was an earthquake . The ground was seized with violent tremors . It felt like the world was falling into a thousand pieces .
And then , Ken was falling ...
Falling ...
Falling into a dark abyss ...
" Schuldich !!!"
Schuldich's eyes flew open ; his body jerked upright , rigidly .
Ken lay on the bed bathed in silver moonlight , his frail body racked with violent seizures . His lips opened in a silent cry , calling to Schuldich .
" Nurse !!!" Schuldich's roar echoed all throughout the floor and within mere moments , the small room was flooded with a harsh white light and people rushed into the room .
" Sir , please step out of the room ."
" I can't ! He needs me ?" Schuldich was now struggling to get past two orderlies in white who had formed a solid barricade against him .
" It would be advisable for you to leave sir . You may see him again later ."
And the door was shut in front of his face . Blinking , he stood there for a moment , waiting for a rational line of thought to kick in , and after a second of indecision , he clenched his teeth and walked briskly away .
It was high time that he did something about Ken's sickness .
He was going to call in all the favors owed him , and goddamn it , he was going to get Ken cured .
† † †
Aya came as soon as he had heard .
Miss Birman was genuinely sympathetic when she heard that Ken had had another seizure and said that she didn't mind at all if Aya took off .
Aya was worried . God ! How he was worried .
After the doctors had promised a miraculous relapse ; after they said that the tumor was completely gone ; after the said that Ken was going to be perfectly fine , this happened !
Doctors were liars , all of them ; there wasn't a single one you could trust .
Damned bastards ...
Aya rubbed his eyes , acutely aware of this stinging pain pricking his eyeballs . He hadn't had any sleep since the day Ken was confined in the hospital ; it was either he was working his ass off to pay for the bills or he was with Ken , watching his brother's pain-etched face as he slept .
The other redhead was always around too . Aya suspected that the man would only go home to change and bathe before driving back to the hospital , and although it was a fact that there was no love lost between the two of them , it impressed upon Aya that maybe , just maybe , the man cared about Ken almost as much as he did .
Aya didn't know what he would do if Ken was ...
Damn it .
Aya blinked his painful eyes against the glaring sunlight trying to fight away the brightness .
He couldn't possibly live without his younger brother . Suddenly , he felt guilty for putting Ken in such a position that he did the day before ; to make him choose between his elder brother and his lover .
He couldn't help it . When it came to Ken , the only thing he could think about was that his brother was his and he was selfish then .
Ken was the only one he loved in this world ; the only one God had left him . There was no way that he was going to let him go anywhere anytime soon . Aya was a fighter . He fought for himself and his brother ; and he sure as hell was going to fight for him now , even if it meant wrestling with the devil himself .
He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand , momentarily dazed with sleep , he blinked a few more times before focusing back on the road .
Suddenly , he gave a surprised shout as he yanked the steering wheel to the left . He had not seen the red light , nor had he seen children crossing the street herded by a pair of teachers .
It was only his quick reflexes that saved all of the children .
The tires squealed in protest as the rover careened out of the slick road and reeled into a wild drunken swerve .
The last thing Aya saw was the solid grey school wall before his rover smashed and the protesting squeal of metal rose above the terrified shrieks .
† † †
R_M : WHOAA !!!! This is LOOOOONG !!!!! Anyway , it's my treat to you guys for taking so long to update !!! Bah ... it took me three weeks to update only to bring bad news ne ? *shrugs* Gomen ne , I've been really busy ! I wonder if anyone out there wants to volunteer to bomb my school . *lol* Anyway , Happy Halloween ! (*__*)
Schu : *(.) at Aya being tied to a chair* Oh goodie ! *is thinking of evil things to do to him* I'm not sure he could , but Schu isn't exactly one to follow all the rules , besides , I don't think he'll just stand there and watch Ken starve to death , he loves Kenken too much to let that happen ne ? The soccer competition went worse than really bad . I got a lot of injuries and worse , I have a bad leg injury , plus , we only won bronze . (T__T) That's the reason why I'm home , absent from school , typing out this chappie because I don't exactly have a choice .
Manx16 : I guess it could make sense if you think about it *lol* Schu leave Ken ? Now that's an idea . *ignores evil death glares by wearing shades*
Ariestar48 : Ah yes , another cliffhanger . *hides* I can't guarantee anything right now . My muses are holding a hunger strike .
KyraEnsui : *cheers with you*
Whisper Reilman : Another beautiful day *agrees* Another unexpected thing at an unexpected time . I wonder what happens to Aya ... There are so many ideas and I don't know what to do with all of them . I don't really want to exceed twenty-five chapters ... but at this rate with all the suggestions and insinuations , I'm not sure . Hmmm . Maybe I should be the one to get a puppy named Chibi-Ken .
Dan : I'm sorry about the soon , but there is more , don't ya worry about that .
Zeto : I'm glad I actually moved someone to tears , it's almost a dream come true *lol* ( I wanted to make a movie that actually make people care about it , but I guess I have to settle for fics now) I'm feeling fine , thanks . The truth is , I've never been as devastated as the characters here , so I guess I'm just projecting myself and thinking about how I would feel if I was in their place . I think it's working , ne ? Thank you , thank you for all your beautiful compliments . *blushes*
Mariki : Yes , I must admit that it was a strange reaction . Don't worry tho , you're not alone in being sadistic (being a one myself) *sweatdrops* So this fic falls in the yaoi category ? I thought it was just plain old shonen-ai ... *shrugs* Well anyway ... Arigatou ! I really appreciate your saying that ! ^^;
Misura : *nodsnodsnodsnods* I agree with you thoroughly about Aya . (,) Get them together ?!?!?!?!?! Now you're putting ideas into my head !!!! (O__O) Yes , I'm a medical ignoramus too . I must've been out sick when God spread that talent around . Prove you wrong huh ? Let's just wait and see ! ^__~
Chahiya : The ending is quite far away . You still have (fortunately or unfortunately) have to wait a few more chapters . Diabetic ? Now that's an idea . I just might put a parody chapter . *lol* I'll think about your suggestions with much gravity . Though I'm afraid , you'll have to be satisfied with this installment until I get my muses hooked on prozac . ^__~
Ketty : Yes you are *grins* I can't say anything to that yet . We'll just have to wait and see ne ?
xXLil Yu JahXx : Let's have a bet on that ne ? *winks* Haha ! I'm just teasing you ! ^__~ Thanks for that compliment ! ^^;
Yukai o kitsune : *lol* Yesyesyes ! Here's the update !!! ^ . ^
Ryia Jen Rowen : *O__O at dead Aya* A-Anou ... *backs away from raving lunatic* A-anou Kenkeeeeeeen !!!! *runs away behind Ken*
Anna Hibiki : *big eyes* H-help . *stumbles away* My God , I seem to have created an army of mad , blood-craving lunatics !!!! Yes , Schu is just too cute ! ^__^