The Matrix: Cliched
by Nain and Calli
--------------------**
SCENE CUTS TO METACORTEX BUILDING
Boss: Come on time.
Neo: What?
Boss: Go sit down.
Window Washers: If you're really sad, you'll note that the suds on the window look like Matrix Code.
Boss: Mr. Anderson, you are a sad, sad man. Go to your cubicle.
Neo: Why?
Boss: Just shut up and go.
CUT TO NEO'S CUBICLE DOOHICKEY
Fed-Ex Guy: Yo, Neo!
Neo: Huh?
Audience: Why isn't the computer on?
Neo: I don't know how to turn it on. I'm an idiot.
Fed-Ex Guy: Here, I have a package for you.
Neo: Cool.
NEO OPENS THE PACKAGE. THE PHONE RINGS, AND HE PICKS IT UP
Morpheus: Hello, Neo. Do you know who this is?
Neo: Sam?
Morpheus: No...
Neo: Legolas?
Morpheus: IT'S MORPHEUS, YOU IDIOT!
Neo: Whoa.
Morpheus: What's up, mah homie?
Neo: Huh?
Morpheus: Did you know that I meant to send you a 'Welcome To The Real World' basket of muffins?
Neo: MUFFINS?!?!?
Morpheus: Calm down. You can have the muffins after Smithy has his way with you.
Neo: Smithy? Sounds, like, Kinky.
Morpheus: Look over the edge of your cubicle. Slowly, so you don't hit your head again.
NEO'S 'OW!!!!!' REVERBATES THROUGH THE PHONE LINE. RUBBING HIS HEAD, NEO LOOKS OVER THE EDGE OF THE CUBICLE DOOHICKEY TO SEE AGENTS SMITH, FUZZY, BUNNY AND DISCO STU, ALL DRESSED IN DRAG
Neo: Dude, he's hot.
Morpheus: FOCUS!
Neo: What?
Morpheus: He wants to turn you into a woman, Neo.
Neo: DUUUUUUUDE!
Morpheus: You have to run, run like a cockroach into the girl's bathroom, where I will tell you where to go.
Neo: The girl's bathroom? Dude, my mommy said I'm not allowed in there.
Morpheus: Do it, or you'll have boobs tomorrow.
NEO RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR
Random Female #1: UGH! A MAN! A MAN!
Random Female #2: RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Random Female #3: Wait, girls, this guy is actually kind of hot!
Random Female #4: Can I play with your sock puppet?
Neo: Huh? Um, like, please get out. I have to, um, uh, well, uh, like, um... dude...
Random Female #2: You're meeting a girl in here, aren't you?! Who is she? Is it Jeanette? Ooh, that WHORE!
Random Female #3: I heard that she...
Neo: ENOUGH!
NEO CLIMBS OUT THE WINDOW
Morpheus: Dude, I didn't ask you to climb out the window...
Neo: Huh?
Morpheus: Oh, well, you were supposed to climb out the window anyway.
Neo: Whoa.
Morpheus: Now, do you see that oversized novelty chicken balloon over on the top of the KFC?
Neo: Dude...
Morpheus: The novelty chicken serves no purpose.
Neo: Fwaaa?
Morpheus: You need to macarena your ass over to that scaffold.
Neo: Dude, my tie, like, it will mess up.
Morpheus: Well, do you want to become a woman?
Neo: MY TIE, DUDE!
Agent Smith: COME TO ME, DAHLING!
Neo: NOOO! MY TIE!
TIE FALLS OFF, AND FLIES THROUGH THE AIR IN BULLET TIME
Neo: NOOOOOOOO!
NEO FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND SOBS
Morpheus: You're a wimp. -hangs up-
SCENE CUTS TO THE STREET, WHERE NEO IS BEING FORCED INTO THE PRISCILLA BUS
Trinity: Oh, god. I must leave before they sprinkle pink glitter on my Ducati.
Agent Smith: Hmm, who could that man be? He looks shifty. -eyes Trinity-
TRINITY SPEEDS AWAY AS AGENT SMITH TOSSES A HANDFUL OF GLITTER IN HER DIRECTION. SCENE CUTS TO TELEVISION SCREENS, WHICH THEN TURN INTO A ROOM WITH NEO SITTING AT A TABLE, LOOKING EXTREMELY CONSTIPATED
Larry: Hehe! I'm so vouyeristic!
Neo: I don't like it in here. I want my mommy.
AGENT SMITH ENTERS, WEARING DRAG.
Neo: ...mommy?
HE SITS ON THE TABLE AND EXPOSES THE TOP HALF OF HIS LEG
Neo: AHHHH!
Agent Smith: Well, Miss Dranderson, it appears that you've been living... TWO LIVES.
Neo: But I can't even count up to two!
Agent Smith: In one life, You're Miss Dranderson... Sorry, MISTER ANDERSON... you live a pretty crappy life. You do not have a bitch. You do not have very much money. You don't even have a brain. However, you help your landlady carry out your garbage, and... by the looks of it... you volunteer to help at a strip club EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT.
Neo: Um, yeah, I did do that once.
AGENT SMITH ADJUSTS HIS BRA. NEO SHUDDERS.
Agent Smith: And the other life, Miss Dranderson, is LIVED IN... COMPUTERS!
Neo: EURGH!
Agent Smith: And as we all know, computer geeks are SO icky.
Neo: I'm not icky! I have boobs!
Agent Smith: You will by the end of this.
Neo: AAAARGH!
AGENT SMITH GRABS NEO AND OPENS HIS SHIRT
Agent Smith: STOP SQUIRMING, MISS DRANDERSON!
Neo: I... DON'T... WANT... BOOBS!
Calli: Oooh, Kinky.
Agent Smith: YESS... YOU... DO... MISS... DRAAAAANDERSON!
Neo: NOOO!
NEO WAKES UP IN HIS BED. HE LOOKS AT HIS CHEST AND SEES ...
Neo: DUDE, I HAVE BOOBS!
NEO WAKES UP AGAIN
Neo: Dude, I'm flat!
THE PHONE RINGS.
Morpheus: This line is tapped so I must give away very important details about where we are.
Neo: Even I think that's stupid.
Morpheus: I should probably also tell you, on this tapped line, that if they knew how important you are, you'd be dead.
Neo: Hooray.
Morpheus: Do you want to meet me?
Neo: I don't know. You don't wear pink, do you?
Morpheus: Baby, if you don't like it, I aint gonna wear it.
Neo: ... A/S/L?
Morpheus: Well, I'm a sixteen year old girl... I mean... bald, acne-scarred man.
Neo: Okay! You sound like a very safe man.
Morpheus: Excelllllllent.
CUT TO ADAMS STREET BRIDGE
Neo: PIKA PIKA!
Switch: Like, get in the car.
Neo: This car is very unfashionable.
Switch: Yeah, well, bite me, bitch.
Neo: Um, okay. Scootch over.
Trinity: -gives Neo a big smile, showing all her teeth- HI!!
Neo: AHHHHHHHH!
Switch: Trinity, stop scaring him and give him that breast reduction.
TRINITY DOES SOMETHING THAT WE CANNOT MENTION WITH A POLE AND A CHAINSAW
Neo: -whimpers- My... silicone...
Switch: Throw them out the window, quick, before they explode.
TRINITY THROWS FAKE BOOBS OUT OF WINDOW; HIT WELL-TO-DO COUPLE IN FACE
Well-to-do-Couple: Well, I never!
Man: Oooh, they smell all warm.
Woman: Want to have some fun? -wink-
Man: Bring it, baby!
CAR PULLS UP AT HOTEL; NEO AND TRINITY GET OUT AND WALK OUT SEEMINGLY ENDLESS STAIRCASE BEFORE REACHING A BIG DOOR
Trinity: Okay, in we go, Nehoko!
Neo: My name is Neo.
Trinity: Who cares?
MORPHEUS IS WEARING A LARGE PINK FEATHER BOA, PINK CAT-EYE SUNGLASSES WITH RHINESTONES AND A RED LEATHER DRESS
Morpheus: YO, GURLFRIEND! LYK, WHAT'S SHAKIN'?
Neo: ... are you a man?
Morpheus: -in a small voice- I don't WANT to be...
Neo: Can I call you Morphette?
Morpheus: You can call me whatever you want, sugar.
TRINITY ROLLS HER EYES
Neo: You're still here?
Morpheus: Excuse me, this is our girlie night. GO AWAY!
Trinity: I AM a girl. You're not.
Neo: I'm a hoko! Nehoko!
Morpheus: Of course you are, cutie. Come and sit on daddy-- err, mummy's lap.
NEO CUDDLES UP TO MORPHEUS, RUNNING HIS FINGERS THROUGH THE FEATHERS ON THE FEATHER BOA
Morpheus: Nehoko, do you know why you're here?
Neo: Because I want to be a potato!
TRINITY LEAVES
Morpheus: Thank GOD the she-male's gone. Now we can paint our toes sparkly pink!
Trinity: -from outside the door- I HEARD THAT!
NEO GIGGLES AND REACHES INTO HIS COSMETIC BAG
Morpheus: Neo, do you know why you're here? Sweetums?
Neo: To be a sexual object for all the sad fangirls?
Calli: You are so right! Let me cuddle and smell you!
Nain: You are my bitch.
Trinity: -seethe-
Morpheus: Yes, darling. But you're also my soulmate. You are the ONE, Neo. I want you, oh baby.
Neo: Okay! Can I have some candy?
IN THE BACKGROUND, 'Red Pill, Blue Pill' FROM THE ANIMATRIX SOUNDTRACK STARTS TO PLAY
Music: Take-the-blue-pill! Take-the-red-pill!
NEO BECOMES EXTREMELY CONFUSED, WILLIAM HUNG AND HIS DANCING GIRLS APPEAR
William Hung: Neho, mutaka da repill.
THE DANCING GIRLS DANCE ABOUT, CHANTING 'TAKE THE RED, RED, RED PILL! WOO!'
William Hung: TAKE IT OR I SING!
WILLIAM LAUNCHES INTO A RENDITION OF "SHE BANGS"
William: SHEBANZ SHE BANZ OIOOH BABEEEEE SHEMUVZ SHEMUVZ BUMBLEFLY BABEEE
Neo: NOOOOOOO! STOP!
NEO TAKES THE RED PILL
Calli: Aww, but he looks so hilarious with his 'no pwofezzinal twainin'
Nain: I liked it better when Simon bashed him.
Simon: I am better than all of you. And you, Miss Dranderson, are a pitiful example of a man.
Neo: Thanks!
Simon: Uh, that's a BAD thing...
NEO LOOKS SAD
Morphette: NO ONE INSULTS MY SWEETUMS!
MORPHEUS CHOKES SIMON WITH THE BLUE PILL, THEN MORPHEUS AND NEO GO INTO THE SPIFFY ROOM NEXT DOOR. SIMON LIES ON THE GROUND WHILE WILLIAM TRIES TO SAVE HIS LIFE
Simon: British...accent... gone... no longer... have... scathing... wit...
William: Sahmin, noooo!
Simon: Why are you helping me? I told you that you sucked.
William: Yehbutoo makeame famiz. to cerabate oor lyf, i will make shuure dat the lazt thing oo hear izzz me shingin 'can oo feer da ruve tonyt'.
Simon: JUST KILL ME!
William: IZZ ENUF, OO MAKE ZINGZ AND VIGGABONZ...
SIMON STABS HIMSELF WITH ONE OF MORPHEUS' MASCARA BRUSHES AND DIES. CUT TO NEO AND MORPHEUS IN THE OTHER ROOM
Neo: Haha, reality tv makes me joyous.
Apoc: Shut up and sit in the chair.
NEO SITS IN A HORRIBLE CHAIR AND MORPHEUS PLAYS AROUND WITH SOME RANDOM STUFF
Morpheus: I am a beautiful, unique snowflake.
Neo: I am a chocolate dream of sugared strawberries.
Trinity: I have an abnormal facination with stripteases.
EVERYONE LOOKS AT TRINITY IN HORROR
Trinity: I mean, uh, I like to tease strippers. Because... they suck... and... I... uh.
Morpheus: Have you ever had a dream, Neo, and you were so sure that it was, like, not a dream?
Neo: Well, there was that dream where I went pee-pee, and then I woke up, and...
NEO BLUSHES FURIOUSLY.
Trinity: We didn't really need to know that.
Neo: Oh. -pause- Am I dreaming now?
Morpheus: If you were, I'd be doing a striptease.
Neo: AUGH!
Morpheus: Touch the mirror, sweetie.
Neo: Why?
Morpheus: It will take you to a magical place.
Neo: So?
Morpheus: -rolls eyes- With Jello.
Neo: I'M THERE!
NEO GRABS A CHUNK OF MIRROR
Neo: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
Morpheus: Can we please get this over with? I suddenly feel all girly and need an asprin. -swoons dramatically-
Trinity: So, what else is new...
Morpheus: SHUT UP, YOU SHE-MALE!
TRINITY KICKS MORPHEUS IN THE SHINS AND NEO SCREAMS RATHER ELECTRONICALLY
Neo: IIIIIII EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT CHHEEEEEEESSSEEEEEEE
Tinky Winky: I am a gay purple man.
Morpheus: No, dammit, I'm the gay purple man!
TINKY WINKY AND MORPHEUS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEN LEAP ON EACH OTHER.
Tinky Winky: Oh, Morphy! Ravish me!
THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH 'OH BABY BABY'S
Trinity: I'm going to be sick.
Neo: Wait till you find about MY love affair with Tinky Winky!
Morpheus: -gasp- YOU SLUT!
Cypher: -rushes into room, holding script- BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT, DOROTHY, BECAUSE KANSAS IS GOING DOWN THE TREE!
Trinity: You're too late, Cypher. Where were you, anyway?
Cypher: Uhh... eating steak with the Agents?
Trinity: Did you say... AGENT?
Cypher: ...No. I said GOPHER.
Trinity: Oh, okay then.
Cypher: I was eating steak with the gophers.
Trinity: Rock on.
SCREEN GOES BLACK.
by Nain and Calli
--------------------**
SCENE CUTS TO METACORTEX BUILDING
Boss: Come on time.
Neo: What?
Boss: Go sit down.
Window Washers: If you're really sad, you'll note that the suds on the window look like Matrix Code.
Boss: Mr. Anderson, you are a sad, sad man. Go to your cubicle.
Neo: Why?
Boss: Just shut up and go.
CUT TO NEO'S CUBICLE DOOHICKEY
Fed-Ex Guy: Yo, Neo!
Neo: Huh?
Audience: Why isn't the computer on?
Neo: I don't know how to turn it on. I'm an idiot.
Fed-Ex Guy: Here, I have a package for you.
Neo: Cool.
NEO OPENS THE PACKAGE. THE PHONE RINGS, AND HE PICKS IT UP
Morpheus: Hello, Neo. Do you know who this is?
Neo: Sam?
Morpheus: No...
Neo: Legolas?
Morpheus: IT'S MORPHEUS, YOU IDIOT!
Neo: Whoa.
Morpheus: What's up, mah homie?
Neo: Huh?
Morpheus: Did you know that I meant to send you a 'Welcome To The Real World' basket of muffins?
Neo: MUFFINS?!?!?
Morpheus: Calm down. You can have the muffins after Smithy has his way with you.
Neo: Smithy? Sounds, like, Kinky.
Morpheus: Look over the edge of your cubicle. Slowly, so you don't hit your head again.
NEO'S 'OW!!!!!' REVERBATES THROUGH THE PHONE LINE. RUBBING HIS HEAD, NEO LOOKS OVER THE EDGE OF THE CUBICLE DOOHICKEY TO SEE AGENTS SMITH, FUZZY, BUNNY AND DISCO STU, ALL DRESSED IN DRAG
Neo: Dude, he's hot.
Morpheus: FOCUS!
Neo: What?
Morpheus: He wants to turn you into a woman, Neo.
Neo: DUUUUUUUDE!
Morpheus: You have to run, run like a cockroach into the girl's bathroom, where I will tell you where to go.
Neo: The girl's bathroom? Dude, my mommy said I'm not allowed in there.
Morpheus: Do it, or you'll have boobs tomorrow.
NEO RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR
Random Female #1: UGH! A MAN! A MAN!
Random Female #2: RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Random Female #3: Wait, girls, this guy is actually kind of hot!
Random Female #4: Can I play with your sock puppet?
Neo: Huh? Um, like, please get out. I have to, um, uh, well, uh, like, um... dude...
Random Female #2: You're meeting a girl in here, aren't you?! Who is she? Is it Jeanette? Ooh, that WHORE!
Random Female #3: I heard that she...
Neo: ENOUGH!
NEO CLIMBS OUT THE WINDOW
Morpheus: Dude, I didn't ask you to climb out the window...
Neo: Huh?
Morpheus: Oh, well, you were supposed to climb out the window anyway.
Neo: Whoa.
Morpheus: Now, do you see that oversized novelty chicken balloon over on the top of the KFC?
Neo: Dude...
Morpheus: The novelty chicken serves no purpose.
Neo: Fwaaa?
Morpheus: You need to macarena your ass over to that scaffold.
Neo: Dude, my tie, like, it will mess up.
Morpheus: Well, do you want to become a woman?
Neo: MY TIE, DUDE!
Agent Smith: COME TO ME, DAHLING!
Neo: NOOO! MY TIE!
TIE FALLS OFF, AND FLIES THROUGH THE AIR IN BULLET TIME
Neo: NOOOOOOOO!
NEO FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND SOBS
Morpheus: You're a wimp. -hangs up-
SCENE CUTS TO THE STREET, WHERE NEO IS BEING FORCED INTO THE PRISCILLA BUS
Trinity: Oh, god. I must leave before they sprinkle pink glitter on my Ducati.
Agent Smith: Hmm, who could that man be? He looks shifty. -eyes Trinity-
TRINITY SPEEDS AWAY AS AGENT SMITH TOSSES A HANDFUL OF GLITTER IN HER DIRECTION. SCENE CUTS TO TELEVISION SCREENS, WHICH THEN TURN INTO A ROOM WITH NEO SITTING AT A TABLE, LOOKING EXTREMELY CONSTIPATED
Larry: Hehe! I'm so vouyeristic!
Neo: I don't like it in here. I want my mommy.
AGENT SMITH ENTERS, WEARING DRAG.
Neo: ...mommy?
HE SITS ON THE TABLE AND EXPOSES THE TOP HALF OF HIS LEG
Neo: AHHHH!
Agent Smith: Well, Miss Dranderson, it appears that you've been living... TWO LIVES.
Neo: But I can't even count up to two!
Agent Smith: In one life, You're Miss Dranderson... Sorry, MISTER ANDERSON... you live a pretty crappy life. You do not have a bitch. You do not have very much money. You don't even have a brain. However, you help your landlady carry out your garbage, and... by the looks of it... you volunteer to help at a strip club EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT.
Neo: Um, yeah, I did do that once.
AGENT SMITH ADJUSTS HIS BRA. NEO SHUDDERS.
Agent Smith: And the other life, Miss Dranderson, is LIVED IN... COMPUTERS!
Neo: EURGH!
Agent Smith: And as we all know, computer geeks are SO icky.
Neo: I'm not icky! I have boobs!
Agent Smith: You will by the end of this.
Neo: AAAARGH!
AGENT SMITH GRABS NEO AND OPENS HIS SHIRT
Agent Smith: STOP SQUIRMING, MISS DRANDERSON!
Neo: I... DON'T... WANT... BOOBS!
Calli: Oooh, Kinky.
Agent Smith: YESS... YOU... DO... MISS... DRAAAAANDERSON!
Neo: NOOO!
NEO WAKES UP IN HIS BED. HE LOOKS AT HIS CHEST AND SEES ...
Neo: DUDE, I HAVE BOOBS!
NEO WAKES UP AGAIN
Neo: Dude, I'm flat!
THE PHONE RINGS.
Morpheus: This line is tapped so I must give away very important details about where we are.
Neo: Even I think that's stupid.
Morpheus: I should probably also tell you, on this tapped line, that if they knew how important you are, you'd be dead.
Neo: Hooray.
Morpheus: Do you want to meet me?
Neo: I don't know. You don't wear pink, do you?
Morpheus: Baby, if you don't like it, I aint gonna wear it.
Neo: ... A/S/L?
Morpheus: Well, I'm a sixteen year old girl... I mean... bald, acne-scarred man.
Neo: Okay! You sound like a very safe man.
Morpheus: Excelllllllent.
CUT TO ADAMS STREET BRIDGE
Neo: PIKA PIKA!
Switch: Like, get in the car.
Neo: This car is very unfashionable.
Switch: Yeah, well, bite me, bitch.
Neo: Um, okay. Scootch over.
Trinity: -gives Neo a big smile, showing all her teeth- HI!!
Neo: AHHHHHHHH!
Switch: Trinity, stop scaring him and give him that breast reduction.
TRINITY DOES SOMETHING THAT WE CANNOT MENTION WITH A POLE AND A CHAINSAW
Neo: -whimpers- My... silicone...
Switch: Throw them out the window, quick, before they explode.
TRINITY THROWS FAKE BOOBS OUT OF WINDOW; HIT WELL-TO-DO COUPLE IN FACE
Well-to-do-Couple: Well, I never!
Man: Oooh, they smell all warm.
Woman: Want to have some fun? -wink-
Man: Bring it, baby!
CAR PULLS UP AT HOTEL; NEO AND TRINITY GET OUT AND WALK OUT SEEMINGLY ENDLESS STAIRCASE BEFORE REACHING A BIG DOOR
Trinity: Okay, in we go, Nehoko!
Neo: My name is Neo.
Trinity: Who cares?
MORPHEUS IS WEARING A LARGE PINK FEATHER BOA, PINK CAT-EYE SUNGLASSES WITH RHINESTONES AND A RED LEATHER DRESS
Morpheus: YO, GURLFRIEND! LYK, WHAT'S SHAKIN'?
Neo: ... are you a man?
Morpheus: -in a small voice- I don't WANT to be...
Neo: Can I call you Morphette?
Morpheus: You can call me whatever you want, sugar.
TRINITY ROLLS HER EYES
Neo: You're still here?
Morpheus: Excuse me, this is our girlie night. GO AWAY!
Trinity: I AM a girl. You're not.
Neo: I'm a hoko! Nehoko!
Morpheus: Of course you are, cutie. Come and sit on daddy-- err, mummy's lap.
NEO CUDDLES UP TO MORPHEUS, RUNNING HIS FINGERS THROUGH THE FEATHERS ON THE FEATHER BOA
Morpheus: Nehoko, do you know why you're here?
Neo: Because I want to be a potato!
TRINITY LEAVES
Morpheus: Thank GOD the she-male's gone. Now we can paint our toes sparkly pink!
Trinity: -from outside the door- I HEARD THAT!
NEO GIGGLES AND REACHES INTO HIS COSMETIC BAG
Morpheus: Neo, do you know why you're here? Sweetums?
Neo: To be a sexual object for all the sad fangirls?
Calli: You are so right! Let me cuddle and smell you!
Nain: You are my bitch.
Trinity: -seethe-
Morpheus: Yes, darling. But you're also my soulmate. You are the ONE, Neo. I want you, oh baby.
Neo: Okay! Can I have some candy?
IN THE BACKGROUND, 'Red Pill, Blue Pill' FROM THE ANIMATRIX SOUNDTRACK STARTS TO PLAY
Music: Take-the-blue-pill! Take-the-red-pill!
NEO BECOMES EXTREMELY CONFUSED, WILLIAM HUNG AND HIS DANCING GIRLS APPEAR
William Hung: Neho, mutaka da repill.
THE DANCING GIRLS DANCE ABOUT, CHANTING 'TAKE THE RED, RED, RED PILL! WOO!'
William Hung: TAKE IT OR I SING!
WILLIAM LAUNCHES INTO A RENDITION OF "SHE BANGS"
William: SHEBANZ SHE BANZ OIOOH BABEEEEE SHEMUVZ SHEMUVZ BUMBLEFLY BABEEE
Neo: NOOOOOOO! STOP!
NEO TAKES THE RED PILL
Calli: Aww, but he looks so hilarious with his 'no pwofezzinal twainin'
Nain: I liked it better when Simon bashed him.
Simon: I am better than all of you. And you, Miss Dranderson, are a pitiful example of a man.
Neo: Thanks!
Simon: Uh, that's a BAD thing...
NEO LOOKS SAD
Morphette: NO ONE INSULTS MY SWEETUMS!
MORPHEUS CHOKES SIMON WITH THE BLUE PILL, THEN MORPHEUS AND NEO GO INTO THE SPIFFY ROOM NEXT DOOR. SIMON LIES ON THE GROUND WHILE WILLIAM TRIES TO SAVE HIS LIFE
Simon: British...accent... gone... no longer... have... scathing... wit...
William: Sahmin, noooo!
Simon: Why are you helping me? I told you that you sucked.
William: Yehbutoo makeame famiz. to cerabate oor lyf, i will make shuure dat the lazt thing oo hear izzz me shingin 'can oo feer da ruve tonyt'.
Simon: JUST KILL ME!
William: IZZ ENUF, OO MAKE ZINGZ AND VIGGABONZ...
SIMON STABS HIMSELF WITH ONE OF MORPHEUS' MASCARA BRUSHES AND DIES. CUT TO NEO AND MORPHEUS IN THE OTHER ROOM
Neo: Haha, reality tv makes me joyous.
Apoc: Shut up and sit in the chair.
NEO SITS IN A HORRIBLE CHAIR AND MORPHEUS PLAYS AROUND WITH SOME RANDOM STUFF
Morpheus: I am a beautiful, unique snowflake.
Neo: I am a chocolate dream of sugared strawberries.
Trinity: I have an abnormal facination with stripteases.
EVERYONE LOOKS AT TRINITY IN HORROR
Trinity: I mean, uh, I like to tease strippers. Because... they suck... and... I... uh.
Morpheus: Have you ever had a dream, Neo, and you were so sure that it was, like, not a dream?
Neo: Well, there was that dream where I went pee-pee, and then I woke up, and...
NEO BLUSHES FURIOUSLY.
Trinity: We didn't really need to know that.
Neo: Oh. -pause- Am I dreaming now?
Morpheus: If you were, I'd be doing a striptease.
Neo: AUGH!
Morpheus: Touch the mirror, sweetie.
Neo: Why?
Morpheus: It will take you to a magical place.
Neo: So?
Morpheus: -rolls eyes- With Jello.
Neo: I'M THERE!
NEO GRABS A CHUNK OF MIRROR
Neo: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
Morpheus: Can we please get this over with? I suddenly feel all girly and need an asprin. -swoons dramatically-
Trinity: So, what else is new...
Morpheus: SHUT UP, YOU SHE-MALE!
TRINITY KICKS MORPHEUS IN THE SHINS AND NEO SCREAMS RATHER ELECTRONICALLY
Neo: IIIIIII EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT CHHEEEEEEESSSEEEEEEE
Tinky Winky: I am a gay purple man.
Morpheus: No, dammit, I'm the gay purple man!
TINKY WINKY AND MORPHEUS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEN LEAP ON EACH OTHER.
Tinky Winky: Oh, Morphy! Ravish me!
THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH 'OH BABY BABY'S
Trinity: I'm going to be sick.
Neo: Wait till you find about MY love affair with Tinky Winky!
Morpheus: -gasp- YOU SLUT!
Cypher: -rushes into room, holding script- BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT, DOROTHY, BECAUSE KANSAS IS GOING DOWN THE TREE!
Trinity: You're too late, Cypher. Where were you, anyway?
Cypher: Uhh... eating steak with the Agents?
Trinity: Did you say... AGENT?
Cypher: ...No. I said GOPHER.
Trinity: Oh, okay then.
Cypher: I was eating steak with the gophers.
Trinity: Rock on.
SCREEN GOES BLACK.