Lily and Severus?
Although James hated to admit it, he had a lot of homework and assignments and he had hardly studied at all. Each of the professors had their own method of preparing the fifth years for the exams that were to come in a few months. In each Care of Magical Creatures lesson, Professor Lamina gave them a different creature to study and sketch, labelling its body parts. In Transfiguration, they spent every lesson vanishing small mammals. It was lucky that James was naturally intelligent, because most of the class had great difficulty getting their kittens to fully vanish, and, consequently there were many long, fluffy tails scattered all over the desks. With their massive load of homework, the fifth years spent long afternoons cooped up in the library, poring over long History of Magic essays. By night, they retreated to their common rooms to practise spells for Charms and Defence against the Dark Arts.
With all their homework and assignments, Sirius, James and Remus had barely talked to each other since the night Remus turned into a werewolf. Finally, after two weeks, Professor Lamina congratulated everyone on their hard work and let them have a lesson off. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter took the opportunity to huddle in a group and have a long talk.
"It was only half-moon when he transformed," said James sharply. Sirius nodded darkly.
"Strange things have been happening for ages," he agreed.
"Yes. Think about it – first, someone enters Sirius in the Hogwarts Best Young Witch or Wizard competition. Then Professor Trelawney makes real predictions!" said Remus, gazing at his three companions.
"Don't forget – Artemis fainted a few weeks ago as well! I'd definitely call that odd!" said James.
"I just wish we knew why it was all happening," said Sirius exasperatedly, staring up into the sky. Peter looked on helplessly, Sirius' words running through his head over and over again. "I just wish I knew why it was all happening…"
"We must find him! His intelligence is incomparable!" snarled a voice. A cowering teenage girl bowed her head and began to stutter.
"Y-y-yes, my Lord… I-i-it's all a matter of time. W-we'll have him s-soon," she stammered.
"If you say so, Narcissa. We shall have to wait and see." said the voice. Narcissa stumbled over her long robes and reached the door, perspiring heavily and gasping for breath.
"M-m-my Lord, do not b-be discouraged! I'll g-g-get him for you. Y-you'll see!" she said as firmly as she could, sweeping back her long blonde hair from her face and reaching out for the handle.
"Excellent. You may leave now," said the terrifying voice. Narcissa was almost weeping as she opened the door.
"Wait a minute, Narcissa. The Dark Lord detests fear – remember that. The next time we meet, you will be punished," the voice echoed around the room.
"Of course, my Lord, of course," Narcissa gasped. She flung the door open, tripped through and banged it shut behind her, collapsing in a heap.
"The Dark Lord detests fear, detests fear, detests fear, detests…"
James woke up in an instant, sweat pouring down his face. It had seemed so real… But it was so absurd! It couldn't be real! Voldemort was miles and miles away… And James was positive that he had seen Sirius' cousin, Narcissa, but that was impossible too. Narcissa had been sent home, just a month ago… James remembered Sirius' triumphant grin, as she left the Entrance Hall. She had had a fever, and Madam Moonluck had suggested that she return home for a month or two of rest, because she was so weak… James sat up in his bed and reached for a glass of water. He found the jug and filled up a glass with water, which he dumped over his head. It trickled down his untidy black hair, then down the back of his neck. It was so cool and refreshing… James climbed back into bed. This was ridiculous; it had just been a stupid dream! Far away, on the other side of the castle, Severus Snape awoke with a start.
Lily sat down to her Charms homework with a heavy heart. The night before, she hadn't slept a wink, because her mind had been on one person – Severus. He was all she ever thought about these days. Lily shook her head wearily. Pull yourself together, Lily! If he's not your type, he's not your type. Don't go out with him just because you feel sorry for him! Lily rested her head on her folded arms, her eyelids beginning to droop. If there was one thing she didn't want to do, it was telling Severus that she wanted to break up with him. I can't do it! she thought, almost crying with frustration. Everything was so confusing! How on earth could she tell Severus how she really felt about him without upsetting him? Here she was, the only girl that Severus had ever loved, about to break up with him. But something in Lily's head told her that she was doing the right thing. What it was, she had no idea, but for some unknown reason, she trusted it. She stood up from her Charms homework, closed the book and pulled on a thick cloak, before venturing down to the Library. She peered around the door and saw Severus, reading a thick book by the light of a candle. He looked up when she entered.
"Oh, it's you, Lily," he said, beginning to smile. Lily couldn't face him. Not now…
"Severus, oh, I do love you, but, but… I can't go out with you…" she began, tears beginning to run down her pale face. Why am I doing this? Why must I break up with him? Am I crazy? The thoughts tumbled around her brain… Severus was turning white…
"But, Lily… why?" he began, staring at her gravely, his eyes welling with tears.
"I'm sorry Severus!" cried Lily, before turning on her heel and running through the door, tears streaming behind her…
"Ok, so, that's supposed to be its mouth, am I right?" said Peter, eyeing the Bowtruckle he was sketching. James rolled his eyes.
"No, that's its nose. This bit's the mouth," he said, gesturing down at his own drawing. Peter laughed nervously and scratched out 'mouth' to write 'nose'. James, however, wasn't really thinking about Bowtruckles at all. He was reliving the dream… He wished he could just forget about it, but he simply couldn't. So far, the only people who knew were Sirius and Remus, and both had urged him to tell Dumbledore.
"Don't be stupid! It was just some dumb old dream!" James had said angrily. At that moment, his mind was torn away from the dream as he heard a shriek.
"Professor! Jillian's been poked in the eye by her Bowtruckle!" cried one of the Slytherin girls. Professor Lamina hurried over to observe the damage.
"Good Lord, you're right. There, there, dear. I'll take her up to the hospital wing. Everyone else, continue your drawings. I'm sure she'll be alright, once Madam Moonluck has tended to her," she said, leading a sobbing Jillian up the front steps of the Entrance Hall.
"Good, she's gone," said James, breathing a sigh of relief. "Fancy a bit of fun?" he added, his eyes glinting mischievously.
"Oh, yes!" grinned Sirius, peering at Severus, who was bent so low over his drawing, that the parchment touched his nose.
"Oi, Snivelly!" cried James, his wand pointed at Severus. "Who wants to see Snivelly dance?" he sniggered. Remus tapped James on the shoulder.
"Don't go too far," he warned, but James pushed him off. Suddenly, Severus leapt to his feet.
"Why should I care?" he shouted, his face turning deathly white. James retreated a little. Never before had he seen Severus so angry…
"There's only one thing that's stopped me killing myself this year, and that's Lily! And now she's gone! Tell me, James. What's left for me now?" he shouted, tears pouring down his cheeks. James felt his heart couldn't sink any lower. In all his time at Hogwarts, he had never, ever seen Severus cry… Severus tore up the steps of the Entrance Hall and James watched helplessly as Lily ran after him as quickly as she could.
"Severus?" called Lily, her voice echoing around the Entrance Hall. She spotted a blur of black robes streaking up a spiral staircase and dashed after him.
"Severus – WAIT!" cried Lily, leaning against the banister to catch her breath. Looking up the staircase, she watched him round a corner, heading straight towards…
"No!" said Lily dumbly, a string of swear words and curses flying through her head. Gathering all her strength, she bolted up too many staircases to count, up to the highest tower in the castle. What if I'm too late? Why, oh, why did this have to happen? What if he's already gone? Oh no… no, please don't be dead, Severus!
Lily cleared the last two steps in a single leap, and barged into the abandoned tower room. Despite the painful stitch she had, she managed to cross the room in seconds, before emerging on the balcony at last. Leaning against the balcony's rail was Severus, his lank, greasy hair blowing in the wind. Lily was so relieved that she burst into tears of joy.
"Lily, don't cry!" said Severus, startled at Lily's reaction. Lily shook her head.
"Oh, Severus, I'm so happy!" she said, flinging herself on top of him, and resting her head on his shoulder. Severus was stunned.
"But, Lily…" he began uncertainly.
"I'm not going to let you kill yourself, Severus! Please don't! I couldn't bear it!" cried Lily, sliding down to sit next to him. Severus gazed down at her, a glazed look in his eyes.
"Severus, don't you understand? You can't die now! You're only sixteen… Think of the Hogwarts Best Young Wizard, think of passing your OWLs and your NEWTs… and, and, think of me," she said, drying her tears with the sleeve of her cloak.
"But I thought… I thought we broke up," said Severus, thoroughly bewildered by the situation.
"So did I, but now I know… Severus, I don't want you to kill yourself, I want to get to know you better. I, I…" Lily's words faded into nothing.
"Lily, I have something to say…" said Severus, fiddling with the hem of his robes. "I, I… Lily, I love you." Lily was rather taken aback by Severus' statement and blushed a deep shade of scarlet.
Laying her head on his chest, Lily held Severus tightly.
"Severus, I don't ever want you to think about suicide again," she said sharply. Severus nodded.
"What's so bad about your life? What could possibly hurt so much that you want to die?" asked Lily, looking up at Severus from her position. Severus turned his head to face the other way.
"I don't want to talk about it, Lily. You wouldn't understand!" he said, a hint of fear in his voice.
"Please tell me, Severus. I want to help you," she said softly, sadly… Severus' grey eyes met Lily's brilliant green eyes for a second, and he saw trust, faith, understanding and love… Lily cared so deeply for him, yet he couldn't think why…
"I've never been loved before, Lily. My dad used to hit me when I was little, and scream at my mum all the time. God, it was awful. I don't want to talk about it," he said, his eyes clouding over, reminiscing about his past. Lily's eyes filled with concern.
"Don't go on, Severus. It was very inconsiderate of me to ask such a personal question, and I'm sorry," said Lily, whose heart was beating at a million miles an hour. Here she was, lying on Severus, discussing his past, those horrid tears struggling to come out again… Don't cry, don't cry! You've already cried too many times today! What will poor Severus think? But a crystalline tear trickled down Lily's cheek. Much to Lily's relief, Severus didn't notice.
"No, I should tell you now. Otherwise, you'll never know," said Severus, holding Lily tightly. He began again.
"I spent my childhood locked up in my dingy room, shooting flies from the roof, reading about Dark Arts. My mum hated me, because I looked so much like my dad. All my life, I dreamt of Hogwarts. I dreamt of finally having friends, of fitting in, but when I arrived, everything did not go according to plan…" he paused for a moment, thinking about what to say. Lily's thoughts drifted from Severus to Star and Bellatrix. She wondered what they would say if they knew what she was doing right now…
"From day one, James and I became enemies. I was jealous. Jealous of his intelligence, his skills on the Quidditch pitch, his friends. He had everything, but I was just a little greasy-haired kid, always with my nose in a Dark Arts book, not a friend in the world. I didn't actually meet you until my third year. I'd always heard James talk of you, but never seen you, but the moment I met you, I knew that you just might understand. I saw it in your eyes…" he trailed off.
"Lily, let's not talk about this anymore," he said, and Lily understood.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, but Severus put his finger to her lips. He leant down… No, Lily! There's something about him – he'll never be your type, you don't love him and you never will! Instinctively, Lily drew back.
"Not now, Severus. Care of Magical Creatures finished ages ago. Let's get down to lunch."
"Star, how do you feel when you're with Sirius?" asked Lily shyly, that evening, while they were lying awake in their dormitory. Star was surprised at Lily's question, but answered nonetheless.
"Well, I'm not sure… It's kind of a difficult question. I suppose that everything just feels… right. It's as though nothing bad can happen when I'm with him. But why do you want to know?" asked Star, thoughtfully glancing over at Lily, who was staring up at the ceiling.
"No reason," said Lily, instantly pretending to bury her head down into her pillow.
"Lily, please don't think I'm rude, but may I ask what happened today when Severus ran off? He didn't really want to kill himself did he? You don't have to tell me, I'd just like to help," she said, a little fearful as to how Lily would react.
Lily didn't feel like discussing her personal life, even with her best friend… She pretended to fall asleep, and began snoring loudly. Star, however, knew that Lily's snores were far too loud to be genuine, and within minutes, she had drifted off into an uneasy slumber, wondering what Lily was hiding…