I'd just like to say that I took Ewan McGregor's speech from "Train
spotting" and used it a bit at the end... I'm sorry.
Part 2. The Edinburgh Festival
The Edinburgh music festival, one of the biggest things the city has goat gaun fir it wis kicking oaf and me and ma mates Eddy, Tommo and Lee wir gaun. However unlike aw the tourists thit go fir the crap bands, shity weather and terrible toilet conditions, we wir there fir other reasons, drugs and pussy. You see this is the ideal time as everyone's too fucked up oan drugs or booze tae care who they get oaf wi, I personally cannae stand the place, yir either too far away tae even see the band or cannae understand what the thair singin. I had a few contacts thit ah knew wir gaun, sae ah wis alright. We wir only thair a few minutes before ma mates began too mooth oaf saying shit like – Ay Boz, look at thit little piece a cunt ower thair, pointing at some brown haired girl wi a corset oan – Ah'd av her, like fuck he would. We hit the nearest pub and git ripped oaf fir four pints of what should be called pish by some four eyed prick who dinnae know his baws from his dick, ah aint complaining yet though as ah kin git money oaf a tha first doss cunt tae pass oot n simply git his wallet.
Like usual the rain begins to pish doon n we heid ower tae the nearest tent, a couple a hours ago ah had scored some coke oaf a "Brian tha Bulldozer", a big fat cunt wi a brain the size of his dick, n wi aw the shite he's done it wouldnae surprised me to know thit his dick had shrivled up n died. Eddy n Tommo had fucked oaf chasing after some American birds, sae me n Lee simply sat at the back o' the tent n goat really high n drunk. Aboot five minutes later some blond bird is looking at us n given us the smile n aw thit, at first I think thit she's looking at Lee but when I turn roond to look at Lee he's busy tryin tae chat some other bird up thit only looks interested n him because he's goat a bag o' coke n his bag, the cunt better no lose thit or ah'll kill 'em. When ah turn back to the blond bird she's no thair, she's gone, BASTARD! Ah go outside tae see where she went only to find her right behind me – Hey, I'm Kim, she sais as she flicks her hair back n a sexy way - Ah'm B-boz, I stutter through because o' the drugs and drink huv bin consuming, - Enjoying the festival? She asks in a o sae posh English voice, - O yeah its great, ah wis lying through ma teeth, ah try tae think o' something tae say but ma mind isn't used tae talking when ah've had aw the shit ah've had today. - I saw what you did at the back of the tent just then. Aw shit! Is she wi the polis? Aw fuck, ah better say something before she yells "go boys" n a go doon tae the polis station, a place ah've bin tae before n am no' fond o', - O thit, thit, thit wis jist, jist, ah'm fucked fir sure, git ready fir two big cunts tae tackle us n kick the shit oot o' me. But nothing happened, she must huv seen the panic oan ma face cos she sais – Oh don't worry, I'm not with the police, thank ye God, mibbe she wants some coke oaf a me, well ah know jist how she kin git it – I'm with... an undercover investigation team and we would like people like you and your friend, indicating Lee - to help us out, help 'em oot? More confusion thit ma heid dosnae need – Listen lady ah'm nae fuckin grass, ah'm no' letting ma ain mates go ta jail jist because you want help, ah'm lying again, truth be told, ah couldnae give a shit aboot them.- You wouldn't be telling on your friends, nobody would go to jail, all I would want you and your friend to do is come down to London for one day while we film you getting the greatest high you have ever had in your life. Fuck me, the greatest high ah've ivir had n ma life! But it's n London, bastard, ah don't hate the English like everyone else, ah jist think thair aw wankers! The Scottish oan the other hand huv the distinct pleasure of being colanised by wankers. Kim sees the look of thought oan ma face, n it isn't a good one, a look constipated, - I can see you are in two minds with this so here is my card, she produces a small white card wi her name n number oan it, a take it n stuff it intae ma inside jayket pocket, - think about it okay, and who knows maybe I will show you the nightlife after it, n wi this she walks oaf. Ah kin only stand thair shocked oot a ma skull at what had jist happened, - Boz, Boz, come oan ya cunt, ah hear Eddy n Tommo n the background but ah'm still in shock coupled wi the drugs full effect by now, ah could huv stayed thair aw day had it no' been fir Lee dragging me to Eddy n thit. Fir the rest o' the night we stayed up n did aw sorts, by the end o' the night ah could barely remember where ah wis as supposed to who ah had talked to thit day.
Part 2. The Edinburgh Festival
The Edinburgh music festival, one of the biggest things the city has goat gaun fir it wis kicking oaf and me and ma mates Eddy, Tommo and Lee wir gaun. However unlike aw the tourists thit go fir the crap bands, shity weather and terrible toilet conditions, we wir there fir other reasons, drugs and pussy. You see this is the ideal time as everyone's too fucked up oan drugs or booze tae care who they get oaf wi, I personally cannae stand the place, yir either too far away tae even see the band or cannae understand what the thair singin. I had a few contacts thit ah knew wir gaun, sae ah wis alright. We wir only thair a few minutes before ma mates began too mooth oaf saying shit like – Ay Boz, look at thit little piece a cunt ower thair, pointing at some brown haired girl wi a corset oan – Ah'd av her, like fuck he would. We hit the nearest pub and git ripped oaf fir four pints of what should be called pish by some four eyed prick who dinnae know his baws from his dick, ah aint complaining yet though as ah kin git money oaf a tha first doss cunt tae pass oot n simply git his wallet.
Like usual the rain begins to pish doon n we heid ower tae the nearest tent, a couple a hours ago ah had scored some coke oaf a "Brian tha Bulldozer", a big fat cunt wi a brain the size of his dick, n wi aw the shite he's done it wouldnae surprised me to know thit his dick had shrivled up n died. Eddy n Tommo had fucked oaf chasing after some American birds, sae me n Lee simply sat at the back o' the tent n goat really high n drunk. Aboot five minutes later some blond bird is looking at us n given us the smile n aw thit, at first I think thit she's looking at Lee but when I turn roond to look at Lee he's busy tryin tae chat some other bird up thit only looks interested n him because he's goat a bag o' coke n his bag, the cunt better no lose thit or ah'll kill 'em. When ah turn back to the blond bird she's no thair, she's gone, BASTARD! Ah go outside tae see where she went only to find her right behind me – Hey, I'm Kim, she sais as she flicks her hair back n a sexy way - Ah'm B-boz, I stutter through because o' the drugs and drink huv bin consuming, - Enjoying the festival? She asks in a o sae posh English voice, - O yeah its great, ah wis lying through ma teeth, ah try tae think o' something tae say but ma mind isn't used tae talking when ah've had aw the shit ah've had today. - I saw what you did at the back of the tent just then. Aw shit! Is she wi the polis? Aw fuck, ah better say something before she yells "go boys" n a go doon tae the polis station, a place ah've bin tae before n am no' fond o', - O thit, thit, thit wis jist, jist, ah'm fucked fir sure, git ready fir two big cunts tae tackle us n kick the shit oot o' me. But nothing happened, she must huv seen the panic oan ma face cos she sais – Oh don't worry, I'm not with the police, thank ye God, mibbe she wants some coke oaf a me, well ah know jist how she kin git it – I'm with... an undercover investigation team and we would like people like you and your friend, indicating Lee - to help us out, help 'em oot? More confusion thit ma heid dosnae need – Listen lady ah'm nae fuckin grass, ah'm no' letting ma ain mates go ta jail jist because you want help, ah'm lying again, truth be told, ah couldnae give a shit aboot them.- You wouldn't be telling on your friends, nobody would go to jail, all I would want you and your friend to do is come down to London for one day while we film you getting the greatest high you have ever had in your life. Fuck me, the greatest high ah've ivir had n ma life! But it's n London, bastard, ah don't hate the English like everyone else, ah jist think thair aw wankers! The Scottish oan the other hand huv the distinct pleasure of being colanised by wankers. Kim sees the look of thought oan ma face, n it isn't a good one, a look constipated, - I can see you are in two minds with this so here is my card, she produces a small white card wi her name n number oan it, a take it n stuff it intae ma inside jayket pocket, - think about it okay, and who knows maybe I will show you the nightlife after it, n wi this she walks oaf. Ah kin only stand thair shocked oot a ma skull at what had jist happened, - Boz, Boz, come oan ya cunt, ah hear Eddy n Tommo n the background but ah'm still in shock coupled wi the drugs full effect by now, ah could huv stayed thair aw day had it no' been fir Lee dragging me to Eddy n thit. Fir the rest o' the night we stayed up n did aw sorts, by the end o' the night ah could barely remember where ah wis as supposed to who ah had talked to thit day.