Leon's Day Off
"Tum de dum, la la laaa." Leon dusted off the piano in the Dalmatians House, puppies clustered about his ankles so that he had to be careful where to put his feet. Perdita trotted in and watched Leon wield his pink feather-duster like a pro. He was a good housekeeper and always put in extra hours unasked, though she privately felt that the pink frilly apron was taking things a bit too far. She watched as Leon lifted up the metronome and polished it in a fastidious manner. Leon wasn't very old, surely he should be spending more time with people his own age, not to mention species.
Perdita left the piano room, trotting through the house until she found her husband, Pongo. He was smoking a pipe which he tried unsuccessfully to hide when she drew near,
"Pongy, were you just smoking?" She asked. Pongo looked at the pipe in his paw,
"Smoking? Oh ... um ... no. I mean ... that is ..."
"Give me that right now." Perdita didn't wait for Pongo to hand – or paw – it to her, she snatched it away and stomped on it, grinding the fragments under one of her forepaws.
"Much better. Pongo, we need to give Leon some time off. It's not healthy of a man of his age to be so obsessed with cleaning. You go in there and tell him to take the day off, and make sure he understands that he is not to set so much as a foot in this house until this time tomorrow!" She said forcefully. Pongo blinked a few times,
"But ... who will clean up after the puppies?" He asked in some befuddlement. Perdita snarled at him,
"YOU WILL, NOW GET IN THERE AND DO WHAT I TOLD YOU!!" She roared. Pongo yelped and raced off to do his wife's bidding. Clearly bitches whip the hardest.
"What do you mean ... take a day off ...?" Leon clutched his feather duster to his chest like it was his firstborn. Pongo looked important,
"Well, you really are due some holiday, Leon. Perdy and I have decided that today is a good day for you to take off." He said.
"But ... why today? Can't I take it tomorrow?" Leon asked, his lower lip trembling as if the thought of having a whole day off was upsetting the delicate balance of his mind.
"I'm afraid not, Leon. Here, have some money and go play ... or something. Go on, I don't want to see or smell you until this time tomorrow. Shoo." Pongo resolutely pushed Leon out of the backdoor and slammed it. Leon stared at the glass panes, still clutching his feather duster. He whimpered for a bit, and seeing as the door didn't open to him, he sat down on the steps and put his head in his hands. He looked so folorn that passersby were kind enough not to snigger at his pinny.
"Oh my god, it's Squall!" Three rasping voices in unison sounded by Leon's ankles, he looked up, then down.
"That's Leon." He corrected the three identical ducks down there. Huey, Duey and Louie exchanged glances,
"Whatever. What the hell are you wearing so much pink for?" Demanded Louie. Leon scowled,
"How's it your business to ask?" He demanded hotly. Duey put his hands on his hips,
"I heard you was a maid for the Dalmatians." He sniggered. Huey covered his beak with his hands, trying to hide his amusement,
"Yeah, a flaming maid at that." The three of them fell about laughing and Leon cradled his feather duster with a hurt expression. He bravely swallowed his impulse to cry and stood up,
"I believe I'm late for an engagement." He said calmly, walking away resolutely.
"Yeah, with a bake-sale." Hooted Louie, making his twin brothers clutch each other's shoulders in a bid not to fall over again, holding their ribs and heaving with laughter.
Once around the corner, Leon leaned against the wall, scrubbing at his burning eyes. How mean of those little ducks. What had he ever done to them?
A cloud of purfume wafted past his nose and he looked up, meeting the eyes of one of the most spectacular blondes he'd seen all day. Considering she was the first, that wasn't all that hard.
"M,miss, can I help you?" He stammered. Cinderella dimpled her cheeks at him,
"My, what a lovely duster you have." She reached out and tweaked one of the feathers, Leon, for some reason, blushed,
"Uh ... thank you ..." He felt incompetent. Suddenly, for some reason, he wanted to engage this lovely woman in witty banter, educated conversation, insightful philosophy ...
"I simply adore pink, ooooh, my, what strong arms you have." Cinderella's eyes went wide when she felt Leon's forearm. His blush deepened,
"Uh ... all the b,better to lift heavy objects with ..." He stammered, charm, sophisication and wit had never been his strong point. Cinderella gave him a smile that quite simply melted his kneecaps like icebergs pitched into the sun.
"Oooh, hush, you're making me feel all girly ..." She clasped her hands together in front of herself and batted her eyelids at him. Poor witless Leon could only salivate.
"Strong silent type, huh? Well, I really should get going. I'm meeting Aurora in the pub. She's my beautiful, open-minded friend who really loves trying out new things." Leon wondered why Cinderella was giving him Aurora's biography. Especially considering that Cinderella herself was really quite lovely and he wanted nothing more than to ... uh ... something.
"C,can I escort you?" He asked, trying to sound gallant and only pulling off mildly nerdy. Cinderella positively glowed,
"Why, that would be most lovely of you, Mr ... ?"
"L,leon."
"Mr L,leon. Shall we?" She indicated down a dark, narrow alleyway. It is a sad fact of life that men like Leon seem able only to think with their feather dusters, or he would have remembered the very great advice that the Fairy Godmother had once given him:
"Don't run with scissors, Leon, don't run with scissors."
WHACK!
Leon was not two steps into the alleyway when Cinderella hit him over the head with a handy barrel that had placed handily within her reach. The handiness of the situation was quite simply, very contrived. Leon slumped on the floor, trying to keep hold of his feather duster that Cinderella was trying to wrest from his grip.
"Give it up, bitch, it's MINE now!" A glass slipper kicked him in the face and Leon lost his grip on the precious pink feather duster. Cinderella's harsh laughter echoed around the alleyway for about five minutes after she had run off. Leon finally picked himself up and sniffed back tears of dismay, that wench had only gone and broken his heart. Unfeeling hussy. He wandered out of the other end of the alleyway, feeling unloved and very abused,
"Well well well, what have we here, lads. Some pinny-wearing gaylord on the verge of tears. Awww, fair breaks me heart." A cold, cynical voice from beyond the misty tears that clouded Leon's eyes. He blinked them rapidly and went a bit pale. He'd managed to walk into the very middle of Traverse Town's most feared gang. The Beast stepped around Leon, blocking his exit with his furry bulk, up above, swinging on some cabling, was Tarzan, sitting on a crate to the left were Lock, Shock and Barrel, the piss-annoying hoodlums, and in front of Leon stood the gang leader. He had a reputation for cruel cynicism and was well known to fight dirty. It was none other than Pinocchio, the evil puppet.
"I'm sorry, I seem to have l,lost my way." Muttered Leon. Pinocchio pulled the cigarette from his mouth and threw it at Leon, laughing as the housekeeper swatted it away with his hand,
"Aww, he's lost his way. Hahahahahha ..." The puppet looked around at the others irritably, "Well? LAUGH!" He barked. The others all roared with laughter obediently. Leon quailed, this was worse than he expected, the sheer lunacy shining in Pinocchio's eyes gave him the willies.
"I'm sorry I've intruded ... I just be going now." He said, edging away. Tarzan grabbed the back of his jacket and lifted him a foot off the ground, grunting and gabbering away in gorilla speak.
"He has a point." Said Beast. Lock, Shock and Barrel all capered about Leon's swinging ankles,
"Hehe, hehe, it'll be a good prank to play!" They sang. Leon got a bad feeling when Pinocchio tapped his wooden lips with his finger,
"Yeeeeees, I think the monkey-man's idea has merit. Mwa haha! Alright lads, let's get to work!" And Leon's scream echoed through the buildings.
After the gang had left, all laughing along to their evil puppet leader's commands, Leon tested the handcuffs securing his wrists to the wrought iron design above his head. The water under his bare feet was cold, but that was trivial compared to the fact that he was wearing only his boxers. The floral pattern hadn't gone unnoticed by the gang and they had taken malicious delight in ripping up his pink apron. How cruel, how ... how heartless. He dangled over the fountain in the Second District, wondering what was to become of him.
"Why, if it isn't Leon? Nice boxers."
Oh god, no, it couldn't be. Of all the people Leon didn't need to walk by right now, it was Cloud Strife, mercenary, badass and all round master of the gelled hair. Leon looked at Cloud, who had two bagettes under one arm and an exotic pot plant under the other,
"Uh, hello Cloud." He said, his voice strained. Cloud frowned,
"What happened to you, been to one of Herc's parties?" He asked. Leon explained what had happened and Cloud shook his head in comiseration,
"Man, that sucks. Well, I guess it can't hurt to let you down." He put down his stuff and drew his huge sword, it was as big as Leon.
"Aaaaaaaagggh!!" Leon winced as the blade whizzed past his ear, screaming like a girl. He dropped into the cold water of the fountain as the sword hacked through the wrought iron and the handcuffs. Leon nursed his wrists and struggled up,
"Oh wow, thank you Cloud, thank you!" He was nearly crying that at least one person was being nice to him today. Cloud shrugged,
"Eh, whatever. See you around Leon." He said, starting to walk away until they both heard a voice coming from the Alleyway,
"Oh Cloudy? Yoohooo!" Cloud went pale and took a step back,
"Oh god, it's him ... .... HIDE ME!!" He threw the bagettes and pot plant down and dived into the fountain, attempting to hide himself by submerging. Leon shivered as he stepped out of the fountain and the door to the Alleyway banged open. Sephiroth skipped out with a basket of daisies on his left arm, a small red cape fluttering from his one wing.
"Squaaaaaaaaaaaaall, how LOVELY to see you!" Sephiroth grabbed Leon around the middle and lifted him up, swinging him around before he had a chance to object to being called 'Squall'.
"Uh, h,hello Sephiroth." Leon tried to squirm free. Sephiroth dropped him and skipped in a merry circle,
"Oh, it's such a lovely day, have you seen my little Cloudy?" He beamed. Leon was getting dizzy trying to keep his eyes on Sephiroth, so held his head still,
"Yeah, he's in the fountain." He said in some confusion. Sephiroth threw up the basket of daisies so the flowers fluttered all over the place, skipping to the fountain and hauling a spluttering and coughing Cloud out of the water,
"CLOUD!!" Sephiroth squealed and planted an exceedingly passionate kiss on the mercenary's lips. Cloud struggled,
"AAAh, ... S,sephiroth, ... how ... uh ... nice to s,see you." He coughed, colouring deeply. Sephiroth snuggled Cloud like he was a favourite teddy bear,
"Oh, my day has been absolutely wonderful, I simply had to find you to tell you!!" He squealed. Cloud coughed, trying to get some air into the lungs that Sephiroth was happily crushing,
"Ugh, S,sephiroth ... I thought we talked about this ... already. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship ..." He wheezed. Leon watched in mystification. Cloud's eyes rested on him, and the mercenary visibly came to a new conclusion,
"But Leon here was saying how much he likes you. Why don't we all ... go down the pub and talk it over? Huh? Would you like that Sephiroth?" He said. Leon should have run away then, he thought about it, but while he was directing his grey matter to the idea of turning tail and fleeing for his life, Sephiroth grabbed him with the other arm,
"Wheeeeeeeee, I'm so happy I've got lots of friends! Let's go to the pub, it'll be such FUN!" And skipped off, carrying his two hostages.
Perdita yawned as she woke up, stretching in typical canine fashion before padding downstairs to get the morning newspaper. She was somewhat surprised to find her 'maid' chatting to an extremely tall, one winged angel with long platinum hair. She blinked when Leon stood on tiptoes to kiss the other man's cheek before running up the steps into the house. She followed Leon into the kitchen, where he was humming as he rooted out a pink frilly apron,
"Leon ... who ... what ... was that?!" She demanded. Leon turned and noticed her, beaming slightly,
"That's Sephy. He's my boyfriend now." He said. Perdita was shocked and, well, horrified.
"But –"
"And he's going to take me to the theatre tomorrow, so I shan't be in work. Oh Perdy, I had such a good day off yesterday, it's ALL thanks to you! I'm so happy to be in love!" And Leon sang all day as he did his chores, while Perdita looked somewhat shellshocked ...
THE END
"Tum de dum, la la laaa." Leon dusted off the piano in the Dalmatians House, puppies clustered about his ankles so that he had to be careful where to put his feet. Perdita trotted in and watched Leon wield his pink feather-duster like a pro. He was a good housekeeper and always put in extra hours unasked, though she privately felt that the pink frilly apron was taking things a bit too far. She watched as Leon lifted up the metronome and polished it in a fastidious manner. Leon wasn't very old, surely he should be spending more time with people his own age, not to mention species.
Perdita left the piano room, trotting through the house until she found her husband, Pongo. He was smoking a pipe which he tried unsuccessfully to hide when she drew near,
"Pongy, were you just smoking?" She asked. Pongo looked at the pipe in his paw,
"Smoking? Oh ... um ... no. I mean ... that is ..."
"Give me that right now." Perdita didn't wait for Pongo to hand – or paw – it to her, she snatched it away and stomped on it, grinding the fragments under one of her forepaws.
"Much better. Pongo, we need to give Leon some time off. It's not healthy of a man of his age to be so obsessed with cleaning. You go in there and tell him to take the day off, and make sure he understands that he is not to set so much as a foot in this house until this time tomorrow!" She said forcefully. Pongo blinked a few times,
"But ... who will clean up after the puppies?" He asked in some befuddlement. Perdita snarled at him,
"YOU WILL, NOW GET IN THERE AND DO WHAT I TOLD YOU!!" She roared. Pongo yelped and raced off to do his wife's bidding. Clearly bitches whip the hardest.
"What do you mean ... take a day off ...?" Leon clutched his feather duster to his chest like it was his firstborn. Pongo looked important,
"Well, you really are due some holiday, Leon. Perdy and I have decided that today is a good day for you to take off." He said.
"But ... why today? Can't I take it tomorrow?" Leon asked, his lower lip trembling as if the thought of having a whole day off was upsetting the delicate balance of his mind.
"I'm afraid not, Leon. Here, have some money and go play ... or something. Go on, I don't want to see or smell you until this time tomorrow. Shoo." Pongo resolutely pushed Leon out of the backdoor and slammed it. Leon stared at the glass panes, still clutching his feather duster. He whimpered for a bit, and seeing as the door didn't open to him, he sat down on the steps and put his head in his hands. He looked so folorn that passersby were kind enough not to snigger at his pinny.
"Oh my god, it's Squall!" Three rasping voices in unison sounded by Leon's ankles, he looked up, then down.
"That's Leon." He corrected the three identical ducks down there. Huey, Duey and Louie exchanged glances,
"Whatever. What the hell are you wearing so much pink for?" Demanded Louie. Leon scowled,
"How's it your business to ask?" He demanded hotly. Duey put his hands on his hips,
"I heard you was a maid for the Dalmatians." He sniggered. Huey covered his beak with his hands, trying to hide his amusement,
"Yeah, a flaming maid at that." The three of them fell about laughing and Leon cradled his feather duster with a hurt expression. He bravely swallowed his impulse to cry and stood up,
"I believe I'm late for an engagement." He said calmly, walking away resolutely.
"Yeah, with a bake-sale." Hooted Louie, making his twin brothers clutch each other's shoulders in a bid not to fall over again, holding their ribs and heaving with laughter.
Once around the corner, Leon leaned against the wall, scrubbing at his burning eyes. How mean of those little ducks. What had he ever done to them?
A cloud of purfume wafted past his nose and he looked up, meeting the eyes of one of the most spectacular blondes he'd seen all day. Considering she was the first, that wasn't all that hard.
"M,miss, can I help you?" He stammered. Cinderella dimpled her cheeks at him,
"My, what a lovely duster you have." She reached out and tweaked one of the feathers, Leon, for some reason, blushed,
"Uh ... thank you ..." He felt incompetent. Suddenly, for some reason, he wanted to engage this lovely woman in witty banter, educated conversation, insightful philosophy ...
"I simply adore pink, ooooh, my, what strong arms you have." Cinderella's eyes went wide when she felt Leon's forearm. His blush deepened,
"Uh ... all the b,better to lift heavy objects with ..." He stammered, charm, sophisication and wit had never been his strong point. Cinderella gave him a smile that quite simply melted his kneecaps like icebergs pitched into the sun.
"Oooh, hush, you're making me feel all girly ..." She clasped her hands together in front of herself and batted her eyelids at him. Poor witless Leon could only salivate.
"Strong silent type, huh? Well, I really should get going. I'm meeting Aurora in the pub. She's my beautiful, open-minded friend who really loves trying out new things." Leon wondered why Cinderella was giving him Aurora's biography. Especially considering that Cinderella herself was really quite lovely and he wanted nothing more than to ... uh ... something.
"C,can I escort you?" He asked, trying to sound gallant and only pulling off mildly nerdy. Cinderella positively glowed,
"Why, that would be most lovely of you, Mr ... ?"
"L,leon."
"Mr L,leon. Shall we?" She indicated down a dark, narrow alleyway. It is a sad fact of life that men like Leon seem able only to think with their feather dusters, or he would have remembered the very great advice that the Fairy Godmother had once given him:
"Don't run with scissors, Leon, don't run with scissors."
WHACK!
Leon was not two steps into the alleyway when Cinderella hit him over the head with a handy barrel that had placed handily within her reach. The handiness of the situation was quite simply, very contrived. Leon slumped on the floor, trying to keep hold of his feather duster that Cinderella was trying to wrest from his grip.
"Give it up, bitch, it's MINE now!" A glass slipper kicked him in the face and Leon lost his grip on the precious pink feather duster. Cinderella's harsh laughter echoed around the alleyway for about five minutes after she had run off. Leon finally picked himself up and sniffed back tears of dismay, that wench had only gone and broken his heart. Unfeeling hussy. He wandered out of the other end of the alleyway, feeling unloved and very abused,
"Well well well, what have we here, lads. Some pinny-wearing gaylord on the verge of tears. Awww, fair breaks me heart." A cold, cynical voice from beyond the misty tears that clouded Leon's eyes. He blinked them rapidly and went a bit pale. He'd managed to walk into the very middle of Traverse Town's most feared gang. The Beast stepped around Leon, blocking his exit with his furry bulk, up above, swinging on some cabling, was Tarzan, sitting on a crate to the left were Lock, Shock and Barrel, the piss-annoying hoodlums, and in front of Leon stood the gang leader. He had a reputation for cruel cynicism and was well known to fight dirty. It was none other than Pinocchio, the evil puppet.
"I'm sorry, I seem to have l,lost my way." Muttered Leon. Pinocchio pulled the cigarette from his mouth and threw it at Leon, laughing as the housekeeper swatted it away with his hand,
"Aww, he's lost his way. Hahahahahha ..." The puppet looked around at the others irritably, "Well? LAUGH!" He barked. The others all roared with laughter obediently. Leon quailed, this was worse than he expected, the sheer lunacy shining in Pinocchio's eyes gave him the willies.
"I'm sorry I've intruded ... I just be going now." He said, edging away. Tarzan grabbed the back of his jacket and lifted him a foot off the ground, grunting and gabbering away in gorilla speak.
"He has a point." Said Beast. Lock, Shock and Barrel all capered about Leon's swinging ankles,
"Hehe, hehe, it'll be a good prank to play!" They sang. Leon got a bad feeling when Pinocchio tapped his wooden lips with his finger,
"Yeeeeees, I think the monkey-man's idea has merit. Mwa haha! Alright lads, let's get to work!" And Leon's scream echoed through the buildings.
After the gang had left, all laughing along to their evil puppet leader's commands, Leon tested the handcuffs securing his wrists to the wrought iron design above his head. The water under his bare feet was cold, but that was trivial compared to the fact that he was wearing only his boxers. The floral pattern hadn't gone unnoticed by the gang and they had taken malicious delight in ripping up his pink apron. How cruel, how ... how heartless. He dangled over the fountain in the Second District, wondering what was to become of him.
"Why, if it isn't Leon? Nice boxers."
Oh god, no, it couldn't be. Of all the people Leon didn't need to walk by right now, it was Cloud Strife, mercenary, badass and all round master of the gelled hair. Leon looked at Cloud, who had two bagettes under one arm and an exotic pot plant under the other,
"Uh, hello Cloud." He said, his voice strained. Cloud frowned,
"What happened to you, been to one of Herc's parties?" He asked. Leon explained what had happened and Cloud shook his head in comiseration,
"Man, that sucks. Well, I guess it can't hurt to let you down." He put down his stuff and drew his huge sword, it was as big as Leon.
"Aaaaaaaagggh!!" Leon winced as the blade whizzed past his ear, screaming like a girl. He dropped into the cold water of the fountain as the sword hacked through the wrought iron and the handcuffs. Leon nursed his wrists and struggled up,
"Oh wow, thank you Cloud, thank you!" He was nearly crying that at least one person was being nice to him today. Cloud shrugged,
"Eh, whatever. See you around Leon." He said, starting to walk away until they both heard a voice coming from the Alleyway,
"Oh Cloudy? Yoohooo!" Cloud went pale and took a step back,
"Oh god, it's him ... .... HIDE ME!!" He threw the bagettes and pot plant down and dived into the fountain, attempting to hide himself by submerging. Leon shivered as he stepped out of the fountain and the door to the Alleyway banged open. Sephiroth skipped out with a basket of daisies on his left arm, a small red cape fluttering from his one wing.
"Squaaaaaaaaaaaaall, how LOVELY to see you!" Sephiroth grabbed Leon around the middle and lifted him up, swinging him around before he had a chance to object to being called 'Squall'.
"Uh, h,hello Sephiroth." Leon tried to squirm free. Sephiroth dropped him and skipped in a merry circle,
"Oh, it's such a lovely day, have you seen my little Cloudy?" He beamed. Leon was getting dizzy trying to keep his eyes on Sephiroth, so held his head still,
"Yeah, he's in the fountain." He said in some confusion. Sephiroth threw up the basket of daisies so the flowers fluttered all over the place, skipping to the fountain and hauling a spluttering and coughing Cloud out of the water,
"CLOUD!!" Sephiroth squealed and planted an exceedingly passionate kiss on the mercenary's lips. Cloud struggled,
"AAAh, ... S,sephiroth, ... how ... uh ... nice to s,see you." He coughed, colouring deeply. Sephiroth snuggled Cloud like he was a favourite teddy bear,
"Oh, my day has been absolutely wonderful, I simply had to find you to tell you!!" He squealed. Cloud coughed, trying to get some air into the lungs that Sephiroth was happily crushing,
"Ugh, S,sephiroth ... I thought we talked about this ... already. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship ..." He wheezed. Leon watched in mystification. Cloud's eyes rested on him, and the mercenary visibly came to a new conclusion,
"But Leon here was saying how much he likes you. Why don't we all ... go down the pub and talk it over? Huh? Would you like that Sephiroth?" He said. Leon should have run away then, he thought about it, but while he was directing his grey matter to the idea of turning tail and fleeing for his life, Sephiroth grabbed him with the other arm,
"Wheeeeeeeee, I'm so happy I've got lots of friends! Let's go to the pub, it'll be such FUN!" And skipped off, carrying his two hostages.
Perdita yawned as she woke up, stretching in typical canine fashion before padding downstairs to get the morning newspaper. She was somewhat surprised to find her 'maid' chatting to an extremely tall, one winged angel with long platinum hair. She blinked when Leon stood on tiptoes to kiss the other man's cheek before running up the steps into the house. She followed Leon into the kitchen, where he was humming as he rooted out a pink frilly apron,
"Leon ... who ... what ... was that?!" She demanded. Leon turned and noticed her, beaming slightly,
"That's Sephy. He's my boyfriend now." He said. Perdita was shocked and, well, horrified.
"But –"
"And he's going to take me to the theatre tomorrow, so I shan't be in work. Oh Perdy, I had such a good day off yesterday, it's ALL thanks to you! I'm so happy to be in love!" And Leon sang all day as he did his chores, while Perdita looked somewhat shellshocked ...
THE END