Author's Note: This is for you, Kristal! You wanted something about forks!
Disclaimer: And while I do own my own set of forks and spoons, alas, I have no supply of sporks. You know what? I'm not really sure of the point of doing a disclaimer....cuz OBVIOUSLY it's on fanfiction.net which means that DUH I'm using things i don't own.
Ch. 5 Lord of the Spork
"Time for lunch!"
No response.
Radiating energy, smile shimmering, Flight Attendant Barbie set down the lunch tray in front of Mr. Potato-Head. He was staring blankly at the T.V. his eyes vacant and hollow, drool dripping slowly from his open jaw.
"Uh...Sir...are you all right?"
"I. See. DEAD people!"
Flight Attendant Barbie glanced at the T.V. The spaceship had only two movies, Pocahontas in Pink and Gods and Generals. Mr. Potato-Head had been watching them for the entire 6 month voyage. Right now he was re-watching Gods and Generals for the 1,654,236,234, 346th time.
"Er, yes, that WOULD be a pile of rotting corpses on the screen... I think we've had enough T.V. time for today," she said gently, turning off the T.V. with the Hot Pink remote control. "Time for something yummy in your tummy!"
Mr. Potato-Head snapped to attention. "Arewethereyetarewethereyetarewethereyet?" he whined. "NO!" Composing herself, Flight Attendant Barbie added in a milder tone, "Astronaut Barbie thinks we may have missed a turn..."
Mr. Potato-Head picked up a spork from his plate and asked indignantly, "How could you miss a whole friggin PLANET?"
CRASH.
Mr. Potato-Head jumped up and ran to the sole window. Outside he could see they had rammed straight into a cubical planet twice the mass of Earth. "Sorry, I didn't see it!" came Astronaut Barbie's voice from the cockpit.
Mr. Potato-Head suddenly understood how they had missed Mars.
"I've never been on a cubed planet before! This calls for exploring!" He jumped out and found the ground pleasantly squishy.
He read a nearby billboard "WELCOME TO UTENSILA. Population: Getting Smaller."
"I wonder why that is," Mr. Potato-Head mused aloud. He trekked up a mushy hill, trying not to lose his shoes in the purplish ooze.
The scene that confronted him at the top of the hill was awe-inspiring; Forks battling spoons. He observed the forks first, who were pouncing on the spoons, and stabbing them repeatedly with their pointy ends. The spoons were handier at long-rage fighting. They used themselves as catapults firing missiles into the ranks of the forks.
His eyes caught a separate duel between a lone spoon and fork. The fork knocked the spoon down and apparently killed him. "I win! He's dead!" he sang triumphantly.
"No...I'm not dead yet..." the spoon uttered weakly from the ground. The fork viewed him contemptibly, "Well, you're mortally wounded!"
"No, actually *spoon sits up* I'm feeling quite a bit better!"
Randomly, a bomb hit near them and blew both to bits, so they were BOTH dead.
"WHOA COOL!" Mr. Potato-Head exclaimed rather loudly.
Everything stopped. *crickets chirping*
As one, each piece of silverware turned to face Mr. Potato-Head.
"POTATO!" One yelled excitedly. A tidal wave of silverware surged towards him. "Forks are best for eating potatoes!" "NO spoons!"
"AH! Don't fracture me into infinitesimal unpalatable quantities of synthetic material!"
The masses of eating utensils paused in their stampede, perplexed by the sudden stream of complicated words. When they finally worked out the meaning of Mr. Potato-Head's plea, they said impatiently, "Give us one good reason!"
"Uh..Cuz..." Mr. Potato-Head spotted the spork still clutched in his hand. "Cuz I have a spork!" He waved it threateningly at them.
A collective gasp went around the group. "Is it possible?" "It is fork, and yet at the same time a spoon?!?" "All hail the spork!"
The utensils fell down prostrate at Mr. Potato-Head's feet.
"All hail the spork!" they chanted, thier voices rescinding from an awed whisper to an ecstatic shout. "ALL HAIL THE SPORK!"
From behind came a voice so evil it would cause even the bravest of men to pee in their pants and go scurrying to their mommies wailing.
Fortunately, there were no men here, so when the sinister voice sounded, "What the @#^! is going on here!?!?" the utensils merely cowered humbly (they continued to meekly chant "all hail the spork" under their breaths though). One brave (and foolish) soul ventured forth, "It is a spork, o great master, both spoon in fork in one handy utensil!" The evil thing promptly zapped him.
Mr. Potato-Head turned to get a better view of this dastardly villain. It appeared to be a large black fork, clad in a black cape and an unnecessarily large helmet. The fork strode over to Mr. Potato-Head and snatched the spork up. "Well I'll be darned! I mean...ahem...I, Dark Fork say this two-in-one spork is inferior to the almighty fork! I, Dark Fork, will defeat the spork in an epic, forever-to-be-remembered, battle!"
*group gasp from the forks and spoons*
Dark Fork picked up the nearest spoon and brandished it like a sword. Mr. Potato-Head waved his spork around high above his head in intricate spinning motions like a ninja shouting, "Hooyahhhh!"
He dropped the spork.
"CUT!" A squat fat little man with a serious uni-brow issue marched into the middle of the battle. "Why aren't you using the light sabers? What happened to all the huge star-ships and high-tech weaponry?" Dark Fork looked at him loathingly. "STUPID! This isn't Star Wars! That's being filmed on the next planet over!" "o....continue on then!"
A weaponless Mr. Potato-Head faced Dark Fork. "Prepare to become Swiss- cheese!" Dark Fork thrust the fork into Mr. Potato-Head.
It broke on Mr. Potato-Head's hard plastic body.
Dark Fork tossed the remains aside. "Cheap plastic ....."
Mr. Potato-Head picked up his spork and pointed it at Dark Fork. "I win."
"Are you sure you want to kill me, plastic potato? Are you aware of who I am?"
"Er...a sadistic sinister villainous fork with a helmet that is seriously too big?"
"There is NOTHING wrong with my helmet! I mean...no. I am really your wife's aunt's nephew's son's father's great-uncle twice removed's friend's husband's monkey!"
"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Mr. Potato-Head fell to the ground twitching and writhing. Then he stopped. "Wait....Did you just say you were a monkey?"
Dark Fork squirmed. "Uh...no."
"Yes you did! He said he was a monkey!"
*another group gasp*
"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"
"KILL THE MONEKY!" The spoons and forks cried.
As the spoons and forks chased him away, Dark Fork shouted, "Curses! Foiled again! The 5th time I was poised to take over a world and my identity was exposed by a potato!"
Mr. Potato-Head was left standing alone. "Well, that was odd," he decided.
He began to skip and frolic in on the hilltop, weaving between the corpses of dead forks and spoons lying rotting on the ground. He contentedly sang the Dummy Bears theme song, "Sing the Happy HAPPY happy HAPPY happy HAPPY song! Sing the Happy HAPPY happy HAPPY happy HAPPY song! Sing..."
He skipped right into a random hole in the ground. As he fell, (and fell and fell and fell) still in the singing mood he sang, "This is the hole that never ends, and it goes on and on my friends! I fell into this hole, not seeing where it was, and I'll continue falling here forever just because this is the hole that never ends...."
So a musical Mr. Potato-Head continues his journey downward...................
Disclaimer: And while I do own my own set of forks and spoons, alas, I have no supply of sporks. You know what? I'm not really sure of the point of doing a disclaimer....cuz OBVIOUSLY it's on fanfiction.net which means that DUH I'm using things i don't own.
Ch. 5 Lord of the Spork
"Time for lunch!"
No response.
Radiating energy, smile shimmering, Flight Attendant Barbie set down the lunch tray in front of Mr. Potato-Head. He was staring blankly at the T.V. his eyes vacant and hollow, drool dripping slowly from his open jaw.
"Uh...Sir...are you all right?"
"I. See. DEAD people!"
Flight Attendant Barbie glanced at the T.V. The spaceship had only two movies, Pocahontas in Pink and Gods and Generals. Mr. Potato-Head had been watching them for the entire 6 month voyage. Right now he was re-watching Gods and Generals for the 1,654,236,234, 346th time.
"Er, yes, that WOULD be a pile of rotting corpses on the screen... I think we've had enough T.V. time for today," she said gently, turning off the T.V. with the Hot Pink remote control. "Time for something yummy in your tummy!"
Mr. Potato-Head snapped to attention. "Arewethereyetarewethereyetarewethereyet?" he whined. "NO!" Composing herself, Flight Attendant Barbie added in a milder tone, "Astronaut Barbie thinks we may have missed a turn..."
Mr. Potato-Head picked up a spork from his plate and asked indignantly, "How could you miss a whole friggin PLANET?"
CRASH.
Mr. Potato-Head jumped up and ran to the sole window. Outside he could see they had rammed straight into a cubical planet twice the mass of Earth. "Sorry, I didn't see it!" came Astronaut Barbie's voice from the cockpit.
Mr. Potato-Head suddenly understood how they had missed Mars.
"I've never been on a cubed planet before! This calls for exploring!" He jumped out and found the ground pleasantly squishy.
He read a nearby billboard "WELCOME TO UTENSILA. Population: Getting Smaller."
"I wonder why that is," Mr. Potato-Head mused aloud. He trekked up a mushy hill, trying not to lose his shoes in the purplish ooze.
The scene that confronted him at the top of the hill was awe-inspiring; Forks battling spoons. He observed the forks first, who were pouncing on the spoons, and stabbing them repeatedly with their pointy ends. The spoons were handier at long-rage fighting. They used themselves as catapults firing missiles into the ranks of the forks.
His eyes caught a separate duel between a lone spoon and fork. The fork knocked the spoon down and apparently killed him. "I win! He's dead!" he sang triumphantly.
"No...I'm not dead yet..." the spoon uttered weakly from the ground. The fork viewed him contemptibly, "Well, you're mortally wounded!"
"No, actually *spoon sits up* I'm feeling quite a bit better!"
Randomly, a bomb hit near them and blew both to bits, so they were BOTH dead.
"WHOA COOL!" Mr. Potato-Head exclaimed rather loudly.
Everything stopped. *crickets chirping*
As one, each piece of silverware turned to face Mr. Potato-Head.
"POTATO!" One yelled excitedly. A tidal wave of silverware surged towards him. "Forks are best for eating potatoes!" "NO spoons!"
"AH! Don't fracture me into infinitesimal unpalatable quantities of synthetic material!"
The masses of eating utensils paused in their stampede, perplexed by the sudden stream of complicated words. When they finally worked out the meaning of Mr. Potato-Head's plea, they said impatiently, "Give us one good reason!"
"Uh..Cuz..." Mr. Potato-Head spotted the spork still clutched in his hand. "Cuz I have a spork!" He waved it threateningly at them.
A collective gasp went around the group. "Is it possible?" "It is fork, and yet at the same time a spoon?!?" "All hail the spork!"
The utensils fell down prostrate at Mr. Potato-Head's feet.
"All hail the spork!" they chanted, thier voices rescinding from an awed whisper to an ecstatic shout. "ALL HAIL THE SPORK!"
From behind came a voice so evil it would cause even the bravest of men to pee in their pants and go scurrying to their mommies wailing.
Fortunately, there were no men here, so when the sinister voice sounded, "What the @#^! is going on here!?!?" the utensils merely cowered humbly (they continued to meekly chant "all hail the spork" under their breaths though). One brave (and foolish) soul ventured forth, "It is a spork, o great master, both spoon in fork in one handy utensil!" The evil thing promptly zapped him.
Mr. Potato-Head turned to get a better view of this dastardly villain. It appeared to be a large black fork, clad in a black cape and an unnecessarily large helmet. The fork strode over to Mr. Potato-Head and snatched the spork up. "Well I'll be darned! I mean...ahem...I, Dark Fork say this two-in-one spork is inferior to the almighty fork! I, Dark Fork, will defeat the spork in an epic, forever-to-be-remembered, battle!"
*group gasp from the forks and spoons*
Dark Fork picked up the nearest spoon and brandished it like a sword. Mr. Potato-Head waved his spork around high above his head in intricate spinning motions like a ninja shouting, "Hooyahhhh!"
He dropped the spork.
"CUT!" A squat fat little man with a serious uni-brow issue marched into the middle of the battle. "Why aren't you using the light sabers? What happened to all the huge star-ships and high-tech weaponry?" Dark Fork looked at him loathingly. "STUPID! This isn't Star Wars! That's being filmed on the next planet over!" "o....continue on then!"
A weaponless Mr. Potato-Head faced Dark Fork. "Prepare to become Swiss- cheese!" Dark Fork thrust the fork into Mr. Potato-Head.
It broke on Mr. Potato-Head's hard plastic body.
Dark Fork tossed the remains aside. "Cheap plastic ....."
Mr. Potato-Head picked up his spork and pointed it at Dark Fork. "I win."
"Are you sure you want to kill me, plastic potato? Are you aware of who I am?"
"Er...a sadistic sinister villainous fork with a helmet that is seriously too big?"
"There is NOTHING wrong with my helmet! I mean...no. I am really your wife's aunt's nephew's son's father's great-uncle twice removed's friend's husband's monkey!"
"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Mr. Potato-Head fell to the ground twitching and writhing. Then he stopped. "Wait....Did you just say you were a monkey?"
Dark Fork squirmed. "Uh...no."
"Yes you did! He said he was a monkey!"
*another group gasp*
"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"
"KILL THE MONEKY!" The spoons and forks cried.
As the spoons and forks chased him away, Dark Fork shouted, "Curses! Foiled again! The 5th time I was poised to take over a world and my identity was exposed by a potato!"
Mr. Potato-Head was left standing alone. "Well, that was odd," he decided.
He began to skip and frolic in on the hilltop, weaving between the corpses of dead forks and spoons lying rotting on the ground. He contentedly sang the Dummy Bears theme song, "Sing the Happy HAPPY happy HAPPY happy HAPPY song! Sing the Happy HAPPY happy HAPPY happy HAPPY song! Sing..."
He skipped right into a random hole in the ground. As he fell, (and fell and fell and fell) still in the singing mood he sang, "This is the hole that never ends, and it goes on and on my friends! I fell into this hole, not seeing where it was, and I'll continue falling here forever just because this is the hole that never ends...."
So a musical Mr. Potato-Head continues his journey downward...................