Author: Bitten And Staked

Title: City of Angels - Chapter 23 - Dilemma.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Summary: Buffy spends the entire night thinking over their evening out in LA and realises a few things along the way.

Timeline: set in between season 5 and 6, in my alternate world where Buffy didn't die. Spike's crypt is trashed during the final showdown and Dawn convinces Buffy to let him stay since he protected them both.

Series: Part 23 of ?

Pairing: Buffy and Spike. Romance, love and nooky.

Rating: PG13

Disclaimer: everyone else owns Buffy and all associated with her.

Feedback: always welcome so email me - webmaster@talesoftheslayer.com

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laying in bed alone Buffy thought over the night again, it pained her to cause such hurt in Angel of all people. She didn't know what had gotten into her but it seemed to all boil down to fear of not ending up with Spike.

Angel had more than once offered to dust Spike for her but every time she had said no. Why? Angel did terrible things and she sent him to hell. Spike did terrible things and she let him sleep in her bed.

Riley had told her once before leaving that she needed a monster in her man, she knew that was Spike speak and didn't want to believe it. But now she realised it was true, anything with a pulse didn't thrill her in the right ways. Riley wasn't strong enough to love her the way she needed it. Pain and love fuelled the Slayer side of her.

No matter how much she protested and called what she did slaying, she had come to realise that a Slayer was an assassin, an executioner and, as Spike had once told her, a killer. After that night she could deny it all she wanted but to a demon she was a killer, someone who unjustifiably slaughtered their demon friends and family.

She held onto her stomach tightly. It was mid morning and Spike was still watching the TV in the next room, he hadn't come to bed when they had reached home. She realised he was probably asleep or upset. No matter how much he had laughed last night he couldn't hide the pain in his eyes from her in the same way she couldn't hide her pain from him.

He had insisted on staying by his car for a while to smoke a cigarette and although she had tried to convince him otherwise with furtive looks he had remained impassive. Instead she had come to their little home alone and shut herself into the bedroom. At first she had seriously considered a shouting match but things could have been said that would have proved unhealthy to both theirs and her family's relationship, instead she opted for crying a lot. Yeah, shout about the fact that your boyfriend, correction - supposed boyfriend is a soulless killer vampire who loves you in spite of himself and his true nature.

His true nature? She realised it was true. He loved her in spite of himself and his nature. Everything in him screamed for him to kill her but instead he had fallen in love with her. Another vampire falling prey to the Slayer. Maybe it's like the whole hostage thing, where you fall for your captor? Maybe it's a trick, he's pretending to have a chip and to love you so he can have you and kill you, eat you up.

Buffy listened as the fridge opened then closed, something was tossed into the bin with a sigh and the TV flipped over to a music channel. Then she heard him singing along to the song, it wasn't the voice of a man who was pretending to love. No one could fake that much pain.

"Cause there ain't no way I'll ever stop from loving you now.
There ain't no way I'll ever stop from loving you now.
No there ain't no way and I'm gonna try and show you somehow.
Somehow and oh… someday."

Buffy found that she had moved to the door and opened it up enough to watch him in the living room area. He was slouched into the couch in a limp sexy devil may care fashion that only he could manage with a wine glass full of blood and singing his lungs out. She watched his face silently, his eyes were closed and she knew he meant every word.

Spike felt the feeling in his stomach grow and knew there was less wall dividing them than before. When he turned his head to look at her she quickly shut the door. In the split second he saw her Spike recognised that face, red and flushed with tears and confusion. Buffy was hurting again and he felt he had to do something.

She had been in there for 10 hours straight. When he had first come in he had considered a fight, he was royally pissed about her happily conversing with Angel when she was meant to be his. But then he realised she had loved him and possibly still did have feelings for him, and all the anger melted away at what she had said about them both having a place in her heart.

Then he had leant against the doorframe for an hour or two listening to her sobbing and muttering to herself. She seemed conflicted and he had decided it best to let her be for a while. Now 10 hours on he decided she had beaten herself up enough, so slipping his boots on he walked out into the kitchen and found her father standing there.

Buffy heard him leave and curled up into an even tighter ball of pain. She was driving him away because she was scared of opening up those feelings again to a vampire. Something she was meant to hate above all others. After all she wasn't Buffy the demon slayer she was Buffy the vampire slayer, a very underlining job description. She was faltering, on the brink of running away and in danger of falling into his arms all at the same time.