Author: C. Night

Rating: PG-13

Category: Action/Adventure & Romance (at least for this chapter)

Disclaimer: Anything that you, Harry Potter fan that you are, recognize does not belong to me nor do I claim credit for it. All of the people, places and things of the HP universe belong to a Miss JK Rowling and a whole bunch of other chosen people. But I would like to be given due credit for anything that you don't recognize. Thanks!

A/N: Lucky you! This is the longest chapter I've ever written in my whole life! By far! Isn't that amazing! Enjoy it and just because I spent so long on it you simply must review!

Title: Getting Out or Dying Trying

Chapter 9: Hollow & Helpless

I really don't think that my face is properly expressing the anger I am feeling right now and that annoys me.

My face is telling these Order members that I am shocked. Which I am but I that shock in no way compares to the overwhelming anger I feel in my very soul right now.

Thus these gits think I am not too mad, just shocked. So the bastards come over to congratulate me.

They see that I am not responding whatsoever to their kind words and they assume that is because I still don't know who they are.

So the masks and voice disguisers come off.

If I was mad before it is nothing compared to what I feel now.

The faces I see under the hoods are the faces of people I know, people I trust, people I... dare say it... love. Sure there are some unfamiliar or vaguely recognizable faces mixed in there but overall I am appalled at the identities of my attackers.

Their faces seem almost magnified to me as they all take off their hoods and voice distortion charms.

Alastor Moody, Kingsley Shaklebolt, Arthur Wealsey, Professor McGonagall, Tonks, Fletcher, Bill Weasley, Molly Weasley, Charlie Weasley, a man who looked oddly like Luna Lovegood, Snape,

Even Diggle for crying out loud!!!

And worst of all, the very worst of all Remus.

MY Remus!

With Sirius... well... gone Lupin (who demanded that I call him Remus or Moony) had taken up the role of surrogate godfather without there being any awkwardness at all. One of the few people I had thought I could trust completely; I felt disgusted.

Traitor.

All the adults I had ever trusted or felt like I could possibly trust in the future all in one room congratulating me for being able to withstand their attempts at killing me.

They had to be joking.

A little part of me just knew that this was the part when Ron was going to smack me over the head with a pillow and tell me to get the bloody heck out of bed, but another part of me (the majority by the way) was just pissed off.

Remus saw it in my face and as the others came closer to me patting me on the back and telling me what a fine job I had done, he simply stayed back.

My eyes were locked with his and after a few seconds he seemed unable to look at me and turned away.

Damn right bloody git don't you dare look at me.

I started to feel slightly claustrophobic with all of the Order members around me talking touching me even hugging me. No one for except Remus, Snape, and Dumbledore seemed to realize I was mad. And they- being the smart bastards that they are- stayed back.

The others were getting way too close for comfort and none of them had even noticed my anger.

'Well,' I thought to myself, 'it was time to show them.'

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes.

I compressed all the anger, frustration, betrayal, pain, confusedness, and sorrow I had felt during the whole ordeal especially right now into a sort of ball inside of me.

I could see it in my mind's eye a glowing red ball of terrible, painful emotions and it was starting to almost ache inside of me.

I had to let it out.

'And what better time to do that,' I thought, 'then when these order members are all crowded around me.'

I was getting malicious now.

I could hear Professor Dumbledore over the loud chatter of Order members around me telling me to stop. He was probably yelling very loudly as it seemed he knew what I was going to do, but it was too late.

I let it out.

With an absolutely inhuman scream I released that huge ball of negative emotion and the results were sickening.

All the Order members within five feet of me (which was just about everyone except Snape, Dumbledore, and Remus) went flying away with a burst of raw magic and just about all of them hit the walls with sickening crunches.

Dumbledore and Remus immediately came toward me after the initial explosion (there is no other way to describe it), but I was beyond all rational thought.

I was mad and it was about damned time they got the hell away from me.

I drew my sword and noted with amusement that it was glowing faintly with a red-ish tint. Or perhaps I had begun to see red. Whatever. It didn't matter.

I pointed to razor sharp blade outward toward Remus and Dumbledore.

"Stay away from me," I said in deadly tones. "Don't come any closer. Let me tell you something, now listen well because I am only going to say this once."

"You think you have control over people. You think you know what people want and decide to take it upon yourself to give it to them in the most difficult and painful manner possible. What if I didn't want to join your damned Order? Then what! You would say, 'Oh sorry Harry, I guess the whole initiation test thing was rather pointless then!' YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!" I screamed.

"You had no right," I continue in more calm tones making sure that I have the attention of all the Order members both those who have righted themselves from their little fall and are standing as far from me as they can get and the two who are standing directly in front of me. "To test me in such a manner without my consent. And another thing I find it highly unbelievable that you subject all of your members to such a crucible. Did you all just decide that you couldn't let the inexperienced Boy-Who-Lived join without a fight? As if I hadn't been through enough to prove my loyalty to this cause. TO THIS WAR! No, you decided that it wasn't enough."

I was breathing heavily now and I took a good deal of satisfaction from the fact that some of the Order members were looking slightly ashamed.

"But Harry!" Professor McGonagall said from over by the wall, "You showed so many skills that we never would have know you-"

"Don't feed me any BULL about this being the only way for me to have discovered skills that I had hidden. I demonstrated many skills that you didn't know I had. I knew. You didn't. You could have found out those skills from practicing with me more or putting me through training tests, did that occur to any of you?" I spat back.

Alright well that wasn't necessarily true. I hadn't known I could apparate until today, er- yesterday, and I had learned that I have a lot more endurance than I once would have thought. But I didn't care about that right now.

I had become somewhat hollow. After the initial release of all of my negative emotion I still had some residual anger, but now I felt empty. It was understandable though seeing as I had released just about all of my emotion on those around me.

Hollow- no emotion left. That was me.

Suddenly I realized something. Where was Snape in all this? He had been standing back where Dumbledore and Remus were as to avoid the backlash of my magical outburst, but he was gone now.

I closed my eyes briefly and tightened my grip on the Sword. He was still here. I could practically feel him. But where?

I thought back to all the other times I had wondered where someone was positioned during my skirmishes with the enemy. I had always discovered that they were behind me (usually thanks to Estine) so without even looking I spun around with my blade outstretched and when the blade tapped something solid I slashed it.

Once I had completely spun around I got mad all over again. So much for hollow.

The bastard had been sneaking up on me. Probably to try to subdue me with a Stupefy or, knowing Snape, something a bit more vigorous. And worst of all every one of those damned Order gits had been watching him slowly approach me from behind and not one had said a word.

If I hadn't hated every one of them already- this sealed the deal.

In my world they were dead.

It took me a moment to realize I was screaming and still slashing my Sword into Snape's face.

It took me even longer to realize what I was saying, "Die! Die! DIE! BASTARDS ALL OF YOU DIE!"

Shocking to say the least. I had always been such a nice boy.

Oh well.

Dumbledore, Remus, Shaklebolt, and Moddy had all come forward to try to get me away from Snape, while the rest of the Order looked on in horror.

Snape was oddly enough allowing me to swing at him and was staring at me with something disturbingly similar to pity in his eyes.

That was enough to completely set me off.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed and extraordinarily all five of the men close to me back away at least a step each.

I raised my sword and pointed it at them, "Take me home NOW! NOW! I WANT TO LEAVE! TAKE ME HOME! TAKE ME HOME! TAKE ME HOME! TAKE ME HOME!"

I looked at them expectantly and a split second before I felt the floor give out from under me I saw all of their eyes widen.

I woke up on the cold, hard, ground.

I didn't even have to open my eyes to tell that. I could smell the grass under me and I could feel the frozen earth under my body.

I opened my eyes and realized that I had obviously been transported somewhere else. There was no snow on the ground here. It was just cold. The area was completely unfamiliar and I had no idea where Hogwarts or the castle of my imprisonment was.

But oddly I wasn't scared.

I had gotten some rest on that hard ground and I felt a whole lot more energized than I had in a while and as long as I was far enough away from Dumbledore and the Order then I was ok.

Just as long as this wasn't a part of some damned test.

But I knew it wasn't Dumbledore looked surprised and maybe even a bit scared when... I was transported here. So I knew it wasn't anything he had planned.

Well, it was time to scope out my surroundings. The sun had almost completely risen and I realized with a jolt that it was Christmas.

"Happy Christmas Harry," I muttered to myself and wondered if I had ever had a worse holiday in my life.

I came to the conclusion that no, even watching the Dursleys rip into their luxurious gifts enviously was much better than what I had gone through so far on this Christmas morning.

"Thank you Professor Dumbledore. Oh the things you do for me. And to think that I actually had a nice pair of socks all wrapped up in my trunk back at home for that bastard," I mumbled angrily as I looked out in front of me.

The socks were going to be part of my attempt to apologize for treating Dumbledore and all of my other summer instructors so harshly over the summer, but that motion was officially terminated.

'Dobby is getting some new socks then,' I thought, 'Note to self: remember to mix them with a different pair.'

'I hate Dumbledore,' I continued thinking, 'He successfully managed to taint my relationships with every adult I had ever known in one go. Adults officially suck. Forever.'

Once I reached that conclusion I noticed that my Sword had apparently come with me on the journey and I turned around to bend down and pick it up from its position on the floor behind me.

Once I had it firmly in my grasp I noticed that there had been a very high metal gate behind me the entire time and I was right in front of the gate's entrance way.

There was a half-circle shaped archway and in metal letters shaped to fit around the half circle curve of the entrance were the words:

Godic's Hollow Cemetery.

My head was spinning. I was in Godric's Hollow, the quaint little village where my parents' and I had lived when I was a baby.

I was home.

Apparently the Sword of Godric Gryffindor had taken it upon itself to take me "home" or at least the home of any true Gryffindor.

Godric's Hollow.

The cemetery was huge and I couldn't see anything past it. And on my other side was a seemingly endless expanse of grassland. Apparently the Sword had taken me to the very edge of the village. Presumably on the other side of the cemetery was the town where my parents had lived with me and where other residents most likely still lived today.

I was going to have to walk through the cemetery to get to the town.

I heaved a sigh seeing as the cemetery was gigantic but figured that I had better get on my way if I ever wanted to get back to my real home, the home I had intended to go to in the first place- Hogwarts.

I started walking.

The crisp grass crunched under my trainers and I was starting to get cold. Dumbledore and his squadron of imbeciles had not given me back my wand so I had no way of warming myself but to walk faster, which I did.

Finally in somewhere around a half an hour of walking (who knew there were so many dead people in such a small town) I reached a huge structure.

As I got closer I realized it was a statue. I couldn't see it from where I was standing (it was facing the other way) so I quickly ran around to the other side, avoiding a patch of flowers as I went.

Oddly enough it a statue of three lions. Three golden lions. One male which was standing over and protecting the other two- a female who was somewhat curled up on the base of the statue with a little cub cradled against her arms.

Fascinated I come closer and read the inscription on the base of the statue: Dedicated to the memory of Lily and James Potter whose courageous sacrifice preserved the life of the one who would save us all. May they rest in peace.

My breath caught in my throat.

A statue of three gold lions as a representation of my family. It was as if this statue had been here all along screaming out to the world that the Potters were descendants of the Gryffindor line and I had been plugging up my ears refusing to hear it.

I was hit with something else at the same time. If there was a statue here dedicated to my parents then they had to be buried somewhere around here!

"Where? Where? Where?" I muttered to myself as my eyes frantically read the names on the graves all around. Then I found them.

Directly in front of the statue there was a grassy areas in which tons of little flowers of red and yellow had been planted and then about ten meters in front of all the flowers there were two graves a bit separated but exactly identical.

I couldn't read the names on them from where I was standing but I knew they were my parents' graves.

They were made of a beautiful type of black marble and when I finally came around to see the front of them I was so overwhelmed I almost fainted.

I knew what they were going to say, so why was I so surprised?

I couldn't answer that.

I read the inscriptions about 50 times each in the space of about a minute and I knew once I was finished that I would always be able to recite the words on each of their graves forever. The white letters on the first grave read:

Lily Anne Evans- Potter

1961 - 1980

Cherished Daughter, Friend, Wife, and Mother

Protector to the End

And on the one directly on its left the white letters proclaimed:

James Harrison Potter

1961 - 1980

Beloved Son, Friend, Husband, and Father

Guardian of All

I looked at the space between the two graves and sighed. 'When- no IF Voldemort kills me,' I thought dejectedly, 'I know exactly where I want to be buried.'

It was probably one of the most depressing thoughts I had ever had in my life, but I took comfort in being so close to my parents. As close as I could be anyway.

I moaned with longing as I looked at the graves and I felt that I had never missed anyone or anything with as much passion as I missed them right then.

All the adults I had ever known (and liked) had forsaken me in the past 24 hours. And the only two adults I could have counted on no matter what were here.

Six feet under. I felt so alone.

I found myself lying on my back in the space between the two graves looking at the cloudy Christmas sky. I was depressed and alone, but I tried desperately to take some joy in the fact that I was close to my parents in the physical sense for the first time since Halloween fifteen years before.

I closed my eyes and relaxed on the cold ground and tried to figure out what I was going to do about the Order.

Despite what I had just done I knew they still wanted me to join. I was valuable and I had obviously just proven myself worthy. But I didn't really want to anymore.

Why should I join an organization of people who I was beginning to despise (some I despised already), an organization of hypocrites and liars.

'But then,' I thought suddenly, 'My parents had once been a part of that order. With most of the same people. I refused to believe that they would condone such actions by their associates. Well maybe the Order was a bit different then,' I supposed.

'But still, am I going to join in some kind of attempt to restore it to its former greatness or something?'

My interest was sparked at that.

What an undertaking, restoring the Order to what it was like in my parents' time. More about helping and less about deceiving. But that would be a lot a of work. And did I really want to do that when I could just say no and have that be it?

I felt a surge of something in me. What kind of Gryffindor was I being? Backing away from a challenge because I was too tired to do what was right? Preposterous!

Logically that thought should have propelled me into action. I should have sprang up from my position lying on the ground and rushed to go back to Hogwarts, join the Order and begin my plans for its restoration.

But that isn't what happened.

I just got sad. I didn't want to do it alone. I wanted some support. I wanted someone, an adult someone to lean on, I wanted Sirius. I wanted my Mum, I wanted my Dad.

I closed my eyes and was quite surprised to feel a tear slide down my cheek.

I laid perfectly still and tried to pretend I was with them. Wherever they were. In the great beyond out there somewhere. And once again that feeling of hollowness came over me again. I felt without hope, I felt without love, I felt lacking.

As if a huge part of me was missing and I hadn't realized it until I saw it sitting there. Outside of me. Separated. It was as if I had no heart for my entire life and only noticed when I saw it sitting on a table gushing blood. I was missing it and I didn't even know it.

That was how I felt about my parents. Seeing their graves intensified my longing for them. I had always known I was missing the love of a parent but to see their graves was like seeing it and finally seeing how, like the heart, there was no hope of getting it back. It was gone.

That was the last coherent thought I had on cold the grass between my parent's graves.

After that I started thinking about random things with my eyes closed.

I thought about my parents, Sirius, Dumbledore, Remus, Voldemort, the prophesy. I thought about a lot of things but didn't really think about them more than have them cross my mind.

I felt as though I had fallen into a space with no time. Thoughts just came and went and I was not concerned.

I "woke up" to a sort of tickling feeling on my cold nose. I swatted at the unseen (as I hadn't opened my eyes yet) source and desperately tried to get back to the calm state I was in before.

But then I realized it was snowing. Gentle snowflakes had begun to fall and each one that fell tickled my nose before it melted.

I sat up and realized that I had zoned out for the majority of the day. It looked to be late afternoon. I was very alarmed at this since to me it had seemed to only have been a few hours. No where near the six hours it probably had actually been.

I had reached no earth shattering conclusions during the time I had just meditated. Or something. And although I was still sad I was happy to have even been given the time to spend with my parents. In any sense that I could get.

I felt a hell of a lot calmer than I had felt since before Sirius' death and I knew it was going to go away once I got to Hogwarts and had to make decisions again. Irrational, I know, but as I stood up finally from the cold and lightly powered snow I stared at my parent's graves and thanked them for giving me this new calm.

I could have sworn I felt a bit of warmth in me after I said thank you, but that was probably my over active imagination.

Then I picked up the Gryffindor Sword and held it in front of me. I decided to try something else rather than walk all the way into the city. If it worked one way, I figured it might work the other.

I focused on Hogwarts and my friends. All of my happy memorizes of the school and my life there. It was probably an hour before I felt as though I had covered everything I loved about Hogwarts and the sun had begun to set.

My hands and feet were frozen solid but I knew it was going to be worth it. And it was because when I finally whispered, "Take me home."

It worked.

My head hurts.

Madam Pomfrey is rushing about getting me draughts for this and healing potions for that. I have just been through the ordeal of my life and all I can think is that my head hurts.

It has been too long and too much to handle. A goblet is shoved in my hands and I note that there is a beautiful image of a phoenix carved into the gold. Wings spread in flight the image looks as though it was real.

Breathtakingly beautiful.

To everyone but me.

I see it and its visage on the goblet makes me not want to drink the headache potion it is filled with. I makes me want to be sick.

Damn the Order for putting me through this.

All the calm I had gained from my visit to Godric's Hollow was gone now.

Madam Pomfrey seems puzzled at my hesitation, "Drink up Mr. Potter," she says carefully and quietly knowing that any noises will only increase the pounding of my head (some kind of after effect from using the sword to transport myself to the front gates of Hogwarts- apparently Gryffindor heirs can somewhat apparate through the wards).

My eyes, still focused on the goblet, narrow. I refuse the cup and set it on the bedside table.

"Now Mr. Potter!" Madam Pomfrey says more loudly and more forcefully.

"I know for a fact that your head is very painfully throbbing right now. After all that you have been through for the past day it's a wonder that you haven't slipped into a coma. This is not the time for foolishness! Drink!"

I make no motion for the cup and lie back slowly against the blankets of the hospital bed.

"I believe I know what the problem is Poppy," a voice says from the doorway.

I don't turn to face him. Don't look... Don't look....

He is NOT there.

Damn him. I can hear his footfalls coming closer. They stop right beside my bed. I hear a muttered incantation before I see Madam Pomfrey hand the goblet with the phoenix on it to the man beside my bed.

I hear liquid pouring before the wrinkled hand offers me a plain glass of headache relieving potion.

I take it without a word and gulp it down.

I can think again.

Madam Pomfrey makes a noise of annoyance at my petty and childish behavior and stalks away from myself and the headmaster.

Dumbledore takes a breath and I know he is about to say something when he is interrupted before he can even begin.

"Where is he?" I hear the voice of my Head of House demand. "Is he alright? If anything else happened to him-"

"I'm sure Potter has decided that he is perfectly fine and has rushed back to the lions' den to tell of his glorious adventure," I hear the silky tones of Professor Snape interrupt.

I snort at his assessment. 'How far off from the truth is that?' I think annoyed.

"Arse," I mutter under my breath.

Professor Dumbledore seems to have heard me and sends a disappointed glance my way. I snort again and turn away from him.

'Who the hell is he to be disappointed in me?'

I hear Dumbledore walk over to the two teachers who it seems have finally noticed me lying in bed and have lowered their voices. I hear them conversing in docile tones before silence reigns in the Hospital Wing.

I wonder if they have left.

I heard three sets of feet moving closer to my bed.

Apparently not. I close my eyes lightly and feign sleep.

Dumbledore, I know, will be able to see through my facade but hopefully it will be enough to get the other two to leave.

They seem to stare at me for a moment and then I hear McGonagall whisper something to Dumbledore and Snape and the three seem to decide they will wait for me to "wake up" to discuss the events of the past two days.

They know that I haven't been given a sleeping potion (as they interact terribly with headache relieving potions) and probably guess I will be awake soon.

'Not if I can help it,' I think nastily.

They move over to a table with a few chairs around it located on the far right of the wing.

Close enough to see and hear me... but far enough to give me the illusion of privacy. Dumbledore undoubtedly transfigured that coffee table and set of chairs. Crazy old coot... but a damned master of manipulation.

I try to sleep but it was not happening. I shift so that I am lying on my back and desperately try not to think. Thinking would be bad.

So I keep my eyes closed and clear my mind.

I am not sure how long I stayed like that but I was sure I was about to go deep into some kind of meditation, like the one I feel into at the Hollow, when I heard a noise at the door. I ignored it.

Last thing I need is to open my eyes and give away the fact that I was never really asleep to McGonagall and Snape (I am positive Dumbledore knows I am awake).

Who ever was at the door comes inside the wing.

I try to meditate again but I am fully distracted now. I wonder if it is some first year student who had a charms mix up and is now frantically searching for Madam Pomfrey. Looking at someone with creepy crawlers coming out of their face is always amusing and I really could use a laugh.

But I decide to keep my eyes closed. Whoever this newcomer is they have come closer to my bed and seem not to be searching for Madam Pomfrey.

'Oh well, no tentacle faces tonight,' I think.

I hear the light footfalls come even closer to my bed and I am tempted to pull out my wand.

'Who the hell is this person?' I think.

But then I remember Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall are all sitting nearby and they have no doubt been watching the newcomer like hawks since he or she came in.

I decide to ignore whoever it is. Probably some Order member coming to make their apologies.

'Damn you to hell,' I think frigidly. 'I won't be accepting any apologies for quite a while thanks very much.'

I begin to try to clear my mind and meditate again, but it is futile now. Whoever is standing near my bed is being freakishly quiet and I can't focus.

Why are they just standing there?

Staring.

I lay very still feigning sleep and try to keep my breathing even.

Silence.

And then finally a voice from very nearby drawls, "Staring at the insides of your eyelids Harry? Oh yes, that is very mature."

I let out a startled gasp and my eyes fly open. Sure enough standing on the side of my bed less than an arm's length away is Blaise Zabini.

My Lacy. In all her glory. Before she can say a word I, with my seeker's hands, grab her and pull her towards me.

Somehow she manages to manipulate the sudden jerk so that she ends up gracefully laying on top of me, her cool light brown eyes amazingly close to my green orbs.

I can't say anything. Suddenly everything ceases to matter. The Order, The Test, Estine, Andrew, Dumbledore, even the Gryffindor Heir thing.

None of it matters. At all.

This is where I was meant to be. My arms wrap around her securely and I vaguely hear some kind of sudden movement and some noises indicating a struggle from the corner of the Hospital Wing.

But that doesn't exist to me now. All that exists is her. Her warm body on top of mine separated only by a thin layer of stark white sheets.

Her head is resting on my chest as I hug her. Her slightly erratic breaths puff against the side of my neck. Her arms, bent at the elbows, hug me back in a slightly abnormal style of embrace.

All I can do is inhale her scent and wonder how I could ever forget it. The smell of warm vanilla, cold breezes, and freshly fallen snow. The smell of safety, of comfort.

Of home.

She tilts her head up slightly and her nose is buried in the crook of my neck. I feel her every breath. I can barely handle the sensory overload.

She knows that. So she talks to me.

"While you were away I ruined my first potion," she says in a tone that implies that absolutely nothing unusual is taking place.

I do not respond, but she knows I am riveted.

She pauses for a moment and then when I say nothing she sighs in something like playful exasperation and continues on.

"Now you may be wondering why I was making a potion over the Christmas Holiday," she says brazenly as though the question was something any person with half a brain would ask.

Her tone implies that by not asking it I had proved to her once and for all that I was a lower life form.

Damn I loved this girl.

"Well," she continues remaining immobile; her body blanketing mine comfortably, "I was brewing a potion from a book in the library. It was supposed to make anything dipped in it glisten from the inside out. A breathtaking effect and not an overly complex potion."

"However," she says in a slightly irritated voice, "I was... missing... an ingredient."

She pauses and my breath catches in my in throat, perhaps there was a point to this tale after all.

"I looked for the missing part desperately trying to find it before everything was ruined. But I couldn't find it. No one could tell me where it was and I of course had to act nonchalant about not having it... after all it wasn't too important a... potion any way right?"

I still say nothing and she continues on as if I had responded.

"Well needless to say the potion was ruined and I was terribly, dreadfully upset about the ingredient. I missed it," she says nuzzling her nose in my neck careful not to press too hard against my newly healed jaw.

"I missed it so much. I was nearly aching for it," Blaise whispers to me and I knew right in that moment that there was no potion.

This story wasn't about a potion.

Tightening my left arm around her I move my right so that my fingers are gently nudging her face upward. Her entire body shifts with the movement until her face is almost directly hovering over mine.

Her taupe eyes are staring into mine and I whisper to her while starring directly in her eyes, "I missed you too Lacy."

And as our faces got even closer together I almost absently said it again, "I longed for you..."

I let out a sigh as my eyes fall closed and finish, "...For this."

And then, for the first time, Blaise Zabini and Harry Potter kissed.

And it was so different from how I had always thought it would be.

I had assumed that like everything else we did out first kiss would be a struggle for dominance. A play-fight, a battle of wills, a pent up ball of both sexual and sensual tension released in a big bang. Especially the first kiss... but it wasn't.

It was beautiful.

Her soft lips pressed against mine and I slowly took my time exploring the shape of each of her lips. I longed to explore every corner and crevice of her mouth swiftly right then and there. I had my first taste and I knew I was addicted, but forced myself to go slow.

To relax into the kiss. I could tell she was surprised by the nature of the kiss as well, but I could also tell she was enjoying it this way.

Both my hands had nestled themselves in her long black curls and she sighed against my lips when my fingers gently tickled and massaged her head and hair.

When her mouth opened slightly against mine I took the inadvertent opening and slid my tongue between her lips.

Her mouth was indescribably the right combination of... so many things. And as our tongues tangled themselves into some kind of knot of passion I was sure I heard a gasp. Maybe, just maybe that was me.

It was slow. It was sensual. It was magnificent... and I desperately wanted to continue.

Forever.

Slowly the need for air became too much to ignore and I pulled my mouth away from hers. Her eyes were still closed and I gently kissed her lips once more as I quietly got my breath back.

Her brown eyes opened slowly and I was caught by surprise by what I saw there. I saw myself. Staring back at me through her eyes.

I had never seen her brown eyes as clear as they were now. They glistened in the light and had seemed to lose a layer of winter frost that had once veiled their magnificence.

I didn't know how I could have ever compared Blaise's eyes to Hermione's. They were completely different.

They were all hers and no one else's could ever begin to compare.

I smiled very slightly at her and as if to return us to normalcy I kissed her slowly on each cheek and then on the nose and then pulled away.

It was my signature move and she smiled brightly at me.

I had never felt quite as happy or content in my life. She rested her head on my chest once more and I wrapped my arms around her waist again.

Back to normalcy.

"That was quite the potion you made up," I said after a few minutes.

"Hmm," she responded absently, "there truly is a potion that gives any object a stunning sheen from the inside out, however I have never discovered a book with the ingredients or steps for making the Luster Potion in it nor have I ever had the slightest desire to brew it."

I heard another startled gasp and by this time who ever it is who is doing that is really getting on my nerves. Get in inhaler mate. Either that or leave.

"Perhaps you will make it some day. Some day when you miss me and not an ingredient," I say with a smirk as my eyes slowly begin to close.

"I don't miss people Potter, never have and never will. You won't be the first," she said in a half serious half mocking tone.

"You're right," I saw with a yawn, "I will never be the first, because I already am."

She laughs into my chest and I say, "Telling someone you miss them isn't that hard Lacy."

"Stop calling me that," she mutters and I can hear the smile in her voice though I cannot see it on her face.

"No. I won't stop because I love it. Your first name should have been Angelacy rather than your middle. It's so unusual," I say idly.

"Oh yes because you run across people named Blaise all the time," she says with a stiff. "You could always count on my mother for the abnormal names. Just look at when she suggested to my aunt for her child- Nymphadora. That is hideous. You would think someone named Andromeda would be a bit kinder to their offspring."

"You are Tonks's cousin?" I say suddenly a bit more awake.

"Um hum, second cousins through marriage or something odd like that. My family tree is a big mess. Duels and feuds and disownments, but the women of the family always stick together. Suggesting hideous names for each others children and arranging marriages. It's what they do," she says in response.

"It's not what you do," I say, slowly feeling myself relaxing now that Order members are no longer our topic of discussion.

"No it's not," she says with grace and continues to proclaim, "I do so solemnly swear that when I have a child they will get a perfectly normal name; and will not be named after some great, great grand uncle from the 1600s when names like Blaise and Draco were at the height of fashion."

"You were named after some great UNCLE of yours?" I interrupt laughing.

"Yes, yes laugh it up. Go ahead. It's not you who has to endure everyone being shocked at your gender."

"I feel your pain," I say with a smirk. "Where did Angelacy come from?"

"That, my dear, was the name of my great grandmother. Apparently her parent's couldn't settle for Angelica or Angela. There had to be a twist," she says with thinly veiled contempt for her ancestors.

"Well I think it's adorable, I'd name my daughter Angelacy," I respond with a far off smile.

"Of course you would," she says with a sneer, "And then you'd giver her ridiculous nicknames like Lacy."

"No," I respond slowly, "because then what would I call her mother?"

I hear yet another startled gasp and Blaise gets very tense. I can feel her muscles tighten all through her body on top of mine. Rather like a collection of springs that have wound themselves as tightly as they can. Or a coiled snake. Ready to strike. Or...

...ready to run.

After a few silent seconds I begin to wonder if I should take it back or say something when she replies, "You're right you could call the little girl Angel and her... mother... would stay Lacy forever."

I heard two startled gasps at this proclamation and I laugh aloud.

"And what would my wife and I name our little boy," I ask her. "as we would obviously have more than one child?"

"His name would be Harrison," she says firmly.

"You know my full name is Harry," I say after a moment.

"Conceited Gryfindors," she says with a mocking laugh, "Why would I name him after you?"

I hear a snort from somewhere off in a corner at this and I open my eyes and look at Blaise, "So you're my wife now are you? I don't think I agreed to that."

"Then don't call me Lacy," she says immediately and I laugh harder at that than I have at anything in a long while.

Slytherins.

They always get you in the end. The conversation started by her telling me not to call her Lacy and that is exactly how it ended.

You just can't win.

And as I slowly play with her hair I decide that maybe I really don't want to win.

I fell asleep in that position with Blaise lying on top of me and my arms carelessly wrapped around her.

I am unsure of how long I slept but I knew that when I began to wake up I was the most comfortable I had been in a long time.

At some point Blaise had moved and moved me as well because now she was sitting up in the bed with my head on her lap.

Her long and slender fingers were running lazily over my wild locks and I could hear her quiet voice above me.

I wanted to sigh and stretch into her embrace, but something stopped me. It took me a minute, but I realized what it was. Blaise was talking to Snape.

She was sitting on the bed playing with my hair and- ah, and running her warm hand playfully along my somewhat rough (still hadn't shaved yet) cheek- and talking to Snape.

There was something inherently wrong with that.

Luckily some higher being granted me my wish at that moment and I hear Snape say, "Very well Blaise I will see you later. Mind you tell our little hero, when he wakes up that the Headmaster and his affiliates including myself are waiting for him in Dumbledore's office."

Blaise said nothing in response, but she did bend over and place a light kiss on my cheek.

I wasn't sure if it was before or after Snape had left but I didn't really care what that bastard had to say anyway.

I was warm, I was with Lacy and I was just about ready to fall back asleep when Blaise said, "I know you are awake Harry and I know you don't want to see him or the Headmaster, but I think you should just get up and face the music."

I tensed at that and I knew she could feel it as she pulled me even more into her lap, a position I couldn't help but relax into.

"Now Harry I don't know exactly what is going on here, but I know enough to be able to safely say that you are very angry at the Headmaster for trying to get you to do something you aren't sure you want to.... right?"

I nodded my head, finally opening my eyes.

"Normally I would tell you to not listen to anyone else but yourself, especially when it comes to the Headmaster, but Sev seems to think that you have... and I quote, 'Somehow managed to prove himself worthy to be a part of an organization we all naturally concluded he would be honored at even being invited into...' I can omit some of his choice comments after that, but Harry I can honestly tell you that if my godfather thinks you are ready for... whatever this is, I say you couldn't possibly be more ready."

My eyes widened at this and I longed to tell her the whole story. To tell her what that damned Dumbledore and his "affiliates" had done to me. Then she wouldn't be singing their praises. Not to me at least.

"You don't know the whole story," I muttered snottily as I tried to go back to sleep.

"I know that," Blaise said in clipped tones which immediately told me that she was very annoyed that she didn't know the whole story. "But I also know that you are being immature."

Alright now I was getting pissed. Who the hell did this girl think she was!?

I, in one swift motion got out of her lap and off the bed, then I started yelling, "Immature?!? ME! Immature! Let me tell you something Blaise Zabini over the past 48 hours I have acted more maturely than you probably have in your whole damned life! And you want to know something else I think I do want to join their little organization, but I know that if I do it will be officially giving up any little part of me that still has some innocence! I have seen so much in my life Blaise and I want to keep what little part of me that is an ordinary 16 year old intact! Is that so WRONG!?"

Screaming without thinking, I realized in that moment, can be a very good thing. I hadn't even known I felt that way until I said it, and once it was out of my mouth I knew it was true.

I also knew that in a minute or so I was either going to fling myself out of the window or start bawling on the floor. But for now I was going to be MAD because being mad is so much easier that being sad.

Blaise was pissed too I saw. Apparently she didn't like Mad Harry! Well that was just too bad if she was going to be my... whatever we were... she was going to have to get used to it!

Then she spoke to me in deadly tones, "Listen to me Potter you had better get off of your damned pity-me-train right now and focus. Whether you like it or not you have a huge role in this battle against Voldemort-" oh if only she knew "- and if you decide that you don't want to be the hero anymore you are damning us all to hell with you! Do you think your parents wanted to be a part of this war?!" I found it odd that she mentioned them so soon after I had seen them. Then she continued.

"They were only a few years older than us when they faced Voldemort if I recall correctly and I bet they didn't bitch about it all the time! They did what they had to and they kept you alive! So now you -because I know you- are eventually going to do your part as well and wasting time denying it is pointless!"

She paused here and I saw something in her eyes that I could only remember seeing there once before- uncertainty.

"Just be thankful," she finally continued, "that the side you are on is the side that those you love are on. Be thankful that you will always have the support system you need from those on your side."

'If only you knew Blaise,' I thought bitterly.

"Just be thankful that no one that you know," she continued. "No one that you care about is going to be on the other side of those Death Eater masks. There is so much you should be thankful for if you would just open your eyes..." here she turned her head completely away from me, "... and see it."

My minute was up and I knew that I wasn't going to fling myself out the window. I was going to cry... AGAIN! Damn it when did I become such a sap?!

I walked slowly over to the bed where she was sitting and I knew by her stance and just the air about her that I wasn't going to be crying alone.

I sat down on the bed and wrapped my arms around her from behind. Thankfully she didn't yell at me or resist. She just leaned back into my chest and we sat like that for a moment.

Finally I shifted my face and kissed her temple and then her cheek and then her ear and when my lips were hovering right above it I absently whispered to her that I was sorry.

And the truth was that I really was sorry. For the war, for her part in it, and for my part in it. Sorry for so many things that I could not even begin to explain. But I was so very sorry.

And when she began to tremble very slightly, when I could taste the salty tears on her skin as I kissed her over and over again- I took some bit of comfort in the fact that I was there to hold her.

Hold her as more tears slipped down my own face and mingled with hers because that was all I could do. I realized something just then.

Helplessness is a hideous feeling.

Author's (C. Night) Notes: WHOA! Would you check that sucker out! 8,000 words! I am amazed! This is the first time I wrote that much. This is also the first time I didn't write a chapter in one day. And the first time I had time gaps in a chapter. Usually I just sit and write one and then post it. I sit there for a few good long hours and just type and type and type .Do a little proof reading and post, but this one I did in pieces. So tell me which way you like better. No real answers are out there yet, this is obviously not the last chapter, and we don't even know if Harry is going to join the Order. Let me know what you think. I think after this long, long chapter I deserve a couple of words from all of you people reading it! Thanks!

Now to the wonderful people who reviewed the last chapter:

Thesteffis: Thank you very much for reviewing! I think I will take you up on that beta- reading offer so expect an e-mail from me sometime soon. I'll make sure to indicate who I am in the subject line. I am not sure if I will for this story as it is almost over, but if I get enough response and decide to do a sequel or anything else you'll be hearing from me with Chapter 1. Thanks again!

V & C (who I suspect are the same person): thank you very much for reviewing and I would never leave a story hanging like that. Have no doubt I will finish this. Please come again!

Heather: I mentioned your question about the all the Order members being tested in this chapter but it will be answered in the next. Thanks for reviewing and please continue to read!

Forge forever: Thank you very much for reviewing! This was my fastest update yet so I hope you enjoy it!

Night Serpent (NS): I am actually glad you thought it was funny because then I wrote it I thought the whole thing was hilarious but then I was like oh that's just because I am completely sadistic. Good to see I am not alone! As for a sequel... the ideas are coming. If I do it, it will probably be the rest of 6th year. So it would be was bigger than this story (can you believe this story take place over a span of less than two days). I have to think on it. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

Hplova4eva: I love your user name! I hope Harry was angry enough for you. I thought he was rather generous actually. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

SilverDragonHawk: A very astute observation. If Harry had been in Dumbledore's office when this was all revealed I would have been tempted to make him slam Fawkes' perch over the old man's head! Thanks for reviewing, I appreciate it!

XoXMelJayXoW: Yes Dumbledore does deserve every bit of revenge Harry can think up, but Harry is inherently good so I couldn't have him kill the old man. Too bad if you ask me... lol. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

Silver Queen: Nope, no head lopping, but that seems to be what all the readers wanted. Too bad. I could have had fun with that if Harry would have ever had the nerve to do it. Sigh... maybe next chapter. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

Wanderingwolf: Well you have done well analyzing my story so far. I enjoy reading your guesses. I am not sure if I will include it in the future chapters but just so you know it was Remus who groaned before Harry started chewing out all the Dumbledores in chapter 8. Snape was a good guess though. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

Jaycee: Thank you for you opinion! I was a bit hesitant over the ending originally because I thought people would chew me out for ending abruptly like that. But it was pretty clever of me wasn't it. :::Stands up proudly::: Thank you for reviewing and come again, you make me feel good lol!

Angelis1: I think we'd all have been pisssed. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

Lady Shang: I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well. More to come with the Order. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

RavenRose: Harry will get a bit more 1 on1 bashing with Dumbledore later on but for now I'd say he did a good job with the anger toward the Order part. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

Sea Turtles: The ever faithful! Interesting review technique you have. I just review once I read something. Sometimes I don't even bother to sign in I just make up some odd name and say "good". Therefore I appreciate your reviews even more because I know I wouldn't write as much. Thanks a whole bunch for reviewing and come again!

Marie: Harry denouncing the Order. You'll have to wait for chapter 10 to see if he does that. It is a bit of a reoccurring plot line though. Thanks for reviewing and come again!

TheAlphieParadox: Another one of the weird ones like me who thought the ending was hilarious. You people make me smile. Harry goes through hell and we all laugh. Hehehe... Thanks for reviewing and come again!

Until next time.... review!