L/N: Thaenk u tu all of u whoe waeted soe pashuntlee fur me tu raest an
rekuver frum my treep bak tu Meedle-erth. I apreesheate all da kiend wurdz
an lub dat u seant tu me, an espaeshully dose u seant tu al. I wuz wurried
abot her, buet all of u tuuk vary guud caer of her wile I wuz goen.
Dere wear sum dat wear noet vary pashunt. My Ada, da guud an wiez Keeng Thranduil, whoe libz wid JaestaElf, sed I shuld remiend u dat "dose peeple whoe kinnot sae sumthin niece tu uthrz, shuld noet sae anithang at all. "
Wait a minute, Legolas. Your Ada said THAT??
Yeas, he deed. Noew, oen wid da stoerrie soe we kin git tu da lub ledderz, okae?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 3 A Virgin For Mary Sue
"You would have had my head on a platter if I hadn't done SOMETHING!" shouts Yes Dear.
"SUICIDE WATCH??? ARE YOU NUTS???" I shout back.
"Well, you didn't want him in there with the other prisoners, did you? For crying out loud, he'd be a sitting duck!"
He's right. Legolas would have been outnumbered even if he COULD have done anything to help himself, locked up in there with the regular inmates. Being isolated from the others was probably the best chance he had.
"But Brad said. . . ," I begin, then stop, unable to even contemplate how hard that must have been for him. Brad is a friend of ours who works as a backup cop on nights and weekends, when he is not doing his regular job. He told us once that when a prisoner is placed on solitary confinement and suicide watch, all items the prisoner could use to hurt himself are removed from the cell. That means no shoelaces, no belt, no bedsheets, nothing that could be torn into long strips and used as a rope to hang oneself. Including clothing.
"Whut'z goen oen?" asks the Prance, drawn to the kitchen by our raised voices.
Yes Dear and I stand glaring silently at each other, each daring the other to try and explain to Legolas what happened. Finally, I tell him, "Legolas, we are sorry about what happened to you at the prison."
He cocks his head to the left and gives me the Thranduil eyebrow.
"I mean, we're sorry they locked you up, and that the other prisoners were trying to touch you, and that you weren't allowed to call us, and that you had to let a stranger have your weapons, and that they put you all by yourself in a strange place, and that they took your clothes away, and.."
"U souend like Brethil," he says. "Dey deed not taek my kloez, an dere wuz a poeliseman wid me all da tiem. I wuz neber aloen, an dey wear vary niece tu me. I wuz noet afraed, al. Noet at all."
Suddenly, I feel much better. I really do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We head down to visit the Grammar Laedee in Charleston for a late Christmas. She' s laid out a feast of all Legolas' favorite foods, from the banana pudding to the Hershey's Miniatures hidden in the little candy tin. He's literally in hog heaven.
She's got CABLE TV. There's Gilligan's Island and MASH and Fantasy Island. There's MTV and the Animal Planet, and he's positively giddy over The Crocodile Hunter. When my brother asks to go see "The Two Towers" with me, Legolas doesn't move from his nest of pillows on the floor. I didn't even ask him if he wanted to ride with us.
Turns out he never noticed I was gone. No wonder they call it the One Eyed God.
Sunday dawns bright and clear. My mom is excited that we will finally get a chance to go with her to her new church. It's a medium sized one, and the dress is fairly casual. She wants us to hear the choir sing, since that is something Legolas and I both enjoy at our home church.
We play the customary "meet and greet" game, the one where you pretend you remember everyone who claims they knew you when you were small. While Mom and I gush over the incredible feats of the grandchildren of the woman sitting next to us in our pew, Legolas and Yes Dear peruse the bulletin. I can just see them out of the corner of my eye.
"I noe dat soeng," says the Prance, pointing at the first hymn. "I noe dat won tue."
They continue down the page until they reach the heading "SACRIFICE". It is written in large bold letters. Legolas looks up at Yes Dear, his eyes wide. His next statement is loud enough that even I look to see if what I heard is true.
"Hae, id sez hear dey ar gunna hav a sakriefise!"
"Yep," answers Yes Dear, face impassive.
Legolas sits patiently, awaiting further information from Yes Dear. When nothing more comes, he decides to turn his statement into a question.
"Ar dey reely gunna hav a sakriefise?" he questions.
"Yep," answers Yes Dear.
The Prance sits quietly again, contemplating this. His bright elven eyes scan the room, searching the congregation to see if the unwitting victim might be sitting amongst us. Finding mostly gray hair making up the audience, he decides to risk another question.
"A yung won?"
"Yep," answers Yes Dear. He leans over and whispers something into Legolas' ear.
Legolas sits back, his eyes scanning again.
As I settle back when the prelude begins, I notice that the Prance has changed his normal posture. At our church, he normally sits leaning back in his seat with knees apart in his 'Council of Elrond' pose. Now he is sitting bolt upright with his legs clamped together and his hands tucked between his thighs. His bright eyes glance furtively about the room.
"Is something wrong?" I ask him.
"Noep," he answers.
We stand for the first hymn, and I notice that he misses several of the notes from the tenor harmony, and sings the first phrase of the second verse twice instead of moving on to the third. Legolas loves to sing, especially the more complicated tenor parts, and for him to bungle a single note on a hymn he knows so well is totally unheard of.
"Legolas, are you sure you are ok?" I ask as we sit back down.
"Yeap," he answers, never taking his eyes off the happenings at the pulpit.
We make our way through the order of service, and by the time we reach the choir's anthem, he is literally sitting on the edge of the pew. Someone behind us drops their hymnal, and he jump-starts so hard into my side that my teeth clack together.
"What is wrong?" I hiss through my teeth.
"Nuthen," he gulps, looking around anxiously. I catch a glimpse of Yes Dear, who is trying so hard to stifle his laughter that he looks like he is having a continuous barrage of the hiccups. Arms crossed over his chest with one hand at his lips, he is biting his index finger and squeezing his eyes shut. Something is definitely going on here.
When the choir finishes, the ushers stand and move to the altar to get the collection plates for the offering. Legolas can contain himself no longer.
"Eggskuse me, pleeze," he blurts, leaping over Little Pip and I and scrambling toward the aisle, pushing quickly past my mom and the grandmother at the end of our row. He bolts up the aisle and out the door, blond mane flying, as Yes Dear lets out a snort. My mother is glaring bullets at the two of us now.
"What have you done?" I ask Yes Dear.
"Nothing," he replies between giggles.
The ushers move from pew to pew, we sing The Lord's Prayer, and soon we are finished with the second hymn and have started to listen to the reading of the scripture. Still no Legolas. Yes Dear has calmed down but still emits a soft bubble or two of laughter every so often.
When he still hasn't returned by the time the last hymn begins, I excuse myself to go make sure he is all right. I find him pacing on the sidewalk outside the sanctuary door.
"What is it?" I demand. "What is the matter with you?"
"Ar dey luukin fur me?" he gasps, clearly upset.
"Why in the world would anyone be looking for you?" I ask, totally lost at this point.
"Yes Dear sed dey wear gunna sakriefiese a veergeen dis moerning," he gulps. "A veergeen wid loeng bloend hare!"
Before I can digest this, the church doors open and the congregation begins to pour out into the courtyard.
"Hear dey com!" shouts the Prance, taking off in a dead run for the woods behind the church.
"LEGOLAS!" I call, trying to run after him while holding up the skirt of my ankle-length green velvet dress. I stop at the edge of the woods, knowing full well there is no reason to follow him further. An elf who wishes to hide himself in the woods is one best left until he is good and ready to come out on his own.
Yes Dear joins me, still laughing. "What did you say to him?" I demand.
"All I said was that usually the word sacrifice implied the offering of a virgin," crows Yes Dear, "and that this church preferred virgins with long blond hair."
I put it all together. Where we have the offering and pass the collection plate, my mother's church calls the same thing the Sacrifice. Though he was just teasing Legolas, it seems that Yes Dear may have just uncovered a little secret about our Prance.
From the treetops above, I hear a soft voice call, "al?"
"yes?"
"Iz it saef tu com out noew? Are dey all goen?"
I glance back at the church where the last of the little old ladies are climbing into their cars.
"Yes," I tell him, "it's safe now. The service is over."
I hear his sight of relief all the way from here. Next thing I know, he drops silently to the ground beside me.
"Dat wuz klose!" he breathes.
Yes Dear turns and starts back toward the parking lot, his shoulders still shaking from his laughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author's Note from al: Big thanks to TreeHugger for the morale beta'ing and for her patience in awaiting the "gift" I have for her, and another Big Thanks to PuterPatty, who looked for stray commas and all sorts of other things I thought I had already cleaned up. She's good. She's REAL GOOD.
And now, what you have all been waiting almost a month for. . . *hands out drool buckets and rolls of paper towels*. . . I present:
Lub Ledderz frum Legolas:
HAE EBERYWON!! I EM BAK!!
I meesed all of u soe muech. I hoep I remimber tu anser all of dese kwestshuns! Hear we goe:
Seaweed: I muest git nockd out ebery tiem I goe frum Meedle-erth tu Moedrn- erth. It tuuk me awile tu feal bedder dis tiem. *huegz an keesez fur u!* Itz an akshun FEEGUR I tael u, noet a doell! Dat Gimli soert of groewz oen u, duzn't he?
Estina: I wuz tu tierd tu bea hieper. *huegz u*
Lady Silence: Kin I hav won of doze Tweezlrz? Oer deed Alli eet dem al? *Beeegu hueg fur u*
Hiro-tyre: I hoep u ar okae noew? Dat wuz a lot tu reed all at wonce! *beeg skweeaze fur u*
Karone: It wuz da chaerrie oen da ise kreem dat maed me com bak. *geeglez!* *smuuch*
Newmoon: I deed mees u! Taep daensin oen da edje of Mownt Duum? Dat iz sumptin I weel keap en miend. Woo Hoo iz sumptin dat Celeborn sez whin I em en Lothlorien. Der iz sumptin abot seain me dat maekz heem wanna speand eggstra tiem keesin wid Galadriel. I doent git it misef ethr. Mebbe u culd ask Nancing Elf, id wuz her ideea. *elbin lub fur u!*
Lou: Da akshun feegur of misef iz a perty guud gieft tu, doent u thaenk? *greinz an huegz u*
leail: I wuz kwiet tierd whin I got bak, buet noew I feal bedder. Meesed u! *smuuch fur u*
Michelle: I DUE REELY like kaendee. Hoew culd u tael? *hueggz*
Andy's Princess: I em glaed u like wachin me at da moovee. U soend soe eggsited tu sea me! *huegz an keesez* I meesed u tu!
The Two Princesses: al iz gittin tu bea kwite a furmidible worrier, doent u thaenk? I meesed u all. Hearz sum of doze x an o'z fur u: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Deed u like it whin I juempd oen Arod?
Anja: ff.net muest hav bean loest widout me. Da site wuz a meass de hole tiem I wuz goen. Noew I em bak, an thaengz seam tu bea bedder alreedy! *huegz u!*
Puter Patty: Woew. I lub da waey u suemd eberythang up. Eberywon shuld goe an reed PuterPatty's reeveew fur Chaeptr 1. Okae, steek ur eer uep hear a'amelamin, I hav sumptin tu tael u. *wheesprz* *grienz* Okae? *BEEG HUEGZ U!* *Deepz u* *an a snoeg tu!*
JastaElf: Roeyall Baeksied?? *glaencez ober shoueldr* Yeas Deer waents tu noe if heez chek iz en da male. Thaenkz, Ada, fur ur guud an wieze wurdz. I lub u boef! *keesez fur u bof, buet Jasta's eez a snoeg oen da leepz, an Ada's ez a peack on da cheak.*
laure: U goet soe eggsited u deed a Legolas! Deed u puesh da buetton 3 tiemz? Hehehe. *Huegz u fur da eaffurt* A poester? Fur me? *daensez arond* Hannon le! Thaenkz fur ur kiend wurdz tu.
Stimpy: I taestd alot of da deefrint kiendz of kaendee, an da maen maed us pae fur all da opean bokzez eben if I deed noet eet it all. *huegz u!*
IRENA: LUUK, HEAR IT IZ! KIN U FIEND IT EEF I TIPE REEL BEEG LIKE DIS??? She kald me SHMOOPIE!! *faentz* Ar u okae, Rwalaer? Noe taelk of leathur an chaenz dis tiem? U muest hav thot u haed reely loest me. I em soerrie tu skare u, melethron. I em hear fur u noew. *klozez eyez and keesez u teandrlee wile reechin fur da maesage kreem*
Chelsey: I thot I saew u luurkin ouet dere. I hav elbin eyez, u noe. I em thrield u deesided tu fienaly reeveew! *huegz* Due it agin, okae?
Skye Rocket: I EM BAK!!! Eeaak! Whut ar we eakin abot? Due u need a hueg tu? *Huegz!*
Abbey Road: al sez thaenkz, she neaded dat cueddl. Kin I hav won tu? *cueddlz u* I em glaed u joiend us! Awstrailya? Dat souendz like fuen!
Magical Rachel: al sez tu tael u she deed noet deesied tu due a seekwill. It juest haeppnd. *huegs u* I meesed u tu! I lub dat luuk oen ur faece! Due it agin! *keesez*
Legolana Greenleaf: Luuk at u daensin! Teech me sum of dose, okae? An peenut budder kuepz ar da beast, aernt dey??! *huegz*
Vladimirs Angel: *waevz* Hae baybee tu u tuu! Trubel? *luukz arond* Deed u sae I wuz en trubel? I doent sea eny trubel. . .al an I DUE nead eech uthr. We hav a vary uenusuel relaeshunsheep, doent u thaenk? *beeg hueg fur u*
TreeHugger: Buet I EM a perty boey, u sea?! I deed remimbr da pone nuembr. I haed all niet tu thaenk abot it. I rote doewn da nuembrz, den da laedee poelisewuman luuked al'z naem up en da pone buuk an mached da nuembrz up fur me. Due u thaenk I em spoyld? I doent smael anithang *lieftz aerm an sneefz* Mebee I shuld taed anuthr baf. . . .Yeas Deer huegz a leedle like Haldir. My Ada deed teech me weel. Yeas Deer sez tu tael eberybuddie dat al DEED NOET CUUK eni of da Chreestmiss deener. She kint cuuk a thaeng. Weel, mebbe greeld cheaze samwitches. She gitz tu maek da saelid an kleenup. Hae Brethil! Hae Elu! Hae Natebuddie and Cowgirl KK12! Hae Meestr Ron! *huegz an keesez fur da gurlz, an haendshaeks wid da men*
Arilyn: Woaw! Dat wuz sum hueg! I like ur daense. Due it agin? I thaenk u ar da sweatest leedle thaeng tu! *keesez u!*
Laura: Hannon le, Laura! Dat meenz thaenk u en elvish. Da jael wuz noet soe baed, dey wear vary niece tu me dere. Thaenk u fur maekin me feal bedder abot Helm's Deep. Dat heped alot. *huegz *
SarWolfe Snape: *geeglz* I shuld bea sweat aftur eetin all dat kaendee! *huegs an a kees tu u!*
Darth Yak: I em jest glaed I deed noet hav tu ware ruebee glaess sleeprz an sae "Dere'z noe plaece like hoem, dere'z noe plaece like hoem" I wuld NEBER bea aebl tu liv dat won doewn. U okae? *skweazes u*
ElvenPrincess-Gwenedh: WooHoo! (c Celeborn) *huegz u!*
Nilmandra: Dere u ar! I thot I saew u haengin arond out dere. I em glaed u fienaly rote soe I culd sae Hae tu u! *beeg hueg!*
Eileen: I lub my akshun feegur! It iz reely cuul. Due u hav won? I em glaed tu bea bak tu! *hueg*
Karri: U maed me feal bedder saeyn doze kiend wurdz of supoert. Kin I hav a hueg tu? *huegz u*
Mickie: Whutz haerd tu ketch-da bierdz, or doze Dwarfz? LOL! OEH YEAH, BAYBEE! (c Legolas) Da Daytona 500 iz comeen owr wae! *VAARUUM VAARUUM!!* Iz Tony ur faevoriet? I wanna driev da beeg broewn Truk! *smuuchez u!*
Jazz: Dere iz nuthin kwite like comin hoem tu chear u up. I deedn't eet all da kaendee, buet I DEED oepn a loet of da bokzez. *sweat kees fur u*
OverCast Day: Hae dere! Kin u due dat daense agin? I wuz tryen tu laern dat won. Guud luk oen ur taest. Whin due u taek it? Hearz a kees fur luk . . .*kees!*
borednhyper: MMmmmm. . . Kiet Kaet Bietz. I aet all of doze dat dey haed. U mite bedder tael da truf tu ur fraiend abot me. Itz a biet kroewdid uendrneeth a bed. Duesty tu. *Beeg hueg*
gershwin: Ada haz sum blue haenkeez if u kaent fiend won of Lord Elrondz. *huegs u, den snoegz u a guud won!* tea hea!
Endomiel: U liked dat shoet I deed oen dat roep? Peese of kake! Dat'll teech dem tu meas wid da guud sied. *keesez u*
anna: I em fealin muech bedder noew. It wuz guud tu bea bak an tu sleap en a reel bead an eet reel fuud agin. *snuegglez u*
Lady Peredhel: Luuk, al! Anuthr won whoe haz neber doen it beafour! TeaHea! I doent hav eny kaevitiez. I em vary kareful tu bruesh my teef all da tiem. *keesez u* Sea??
isilwen: I due feal muech bedder, thaenks tu all da kiend thaengz peepl hav sed tu enkurage me. I meesed u tu! Hueg me, okae? *huegz* MMmmmm, dat's bedder!
ithinkineedanewname: I meesed u tu! *luukz beahiend me* Wach my bak fur whut? Oeh, u meen my Roeyall Baeksied? Dere ar shure enuf peepl weeling tu hep me wid dat! *snog fur u*
Dagmar of Avalon: Guud tu sea u agin! I em bak, wid loetz of thaengz tu tale u. *huegz tu u!*
Yuffie-Girl: Jest hereing frum u cheard me uep! Elves doent groew hare on dere gutz.~Legolas, she meant gut ache as in stomache, not gutache spelled and pronounced like moustache, even though they look similar. ~ Dey DUE luuk aliek! Hearz a kees fur u! *KEES*
Rose: Dat pikshur iz "faek me," noet reel me. I em pertier dan heem. I mite be bloend, buet eben I noe Merry an Pippin ar steel en Meedle-erth. Bloendz ar smaertr dan u theenk. As fur noet anserin ur reeveewz, u deed noet rite tu me unteel aftur I wuz goen bak tu Meedle-erth, an dis iz da fuerst tiem I hav fealt uep tu tipin seense my reatuern. My Adar sed tu bea shur tu tael u pashinse iz a veertue. *hueg*
Sea u neks tiem!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You all know what to do. Let Legolas feel the love, baby! Send him a message by pressing the review button below. He gets so excited reading each and every one of your messages! This chapter was a bit hard for him; I don't think he wanted you to know about what happened this time, but the anticipation of answering all of you outweighed the anxiety. He's funny that way, especially when he's hopped up on sugar. Thanks again for all your love and encouragement!
Dere wear sum dat wear noet vary pashunt. My Ada, da guud an wiez Keeng Thranduil, whoe libz wid JaestaElf, sed I shuld remiend u dat "dose peeple whoe kinnot sae sumthin niece tu uthrz, shuld noet sae anithang at all. "
Wait a minute, Legolas. Your Ada said THAT??
Yeas, he deed. Noew, oen wid da stoerrie soe we kin git tu da lub ledderz, okae?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 3 A Virgin For Mary Sue
"You would have had my head on a platter if I hadn't done SOMETHING!" shouts Yes Dear.
"SUICIDE WATCH??? ARE YOU NUTS???" I shout back.
"Well, you didn't want him in there with the other prisoners, did you? For crying out loud, he'd be a sitting duck!"
He's right. Legolas would have been outnumbered even if he COULD have done anything to help himself, locked up in there with the regular inmates. Being isolated from the others was probably the best chance he had.
"But Brad said. . . ," I begin, then stop, unable to even contemplate how hard that must have been for him. Brad is a friend of ours who works as a backup cop on nights and weekends, when he is not doing his regular job. He told us once that when a prisoner is placed on solitary confinement and suicide watch, all items the prisoner could use to hurt himself are removed from the cell. That means no shoelaces, no belt, no bedsheets, nothing that could be torn into long strips and used as a rope to hang oneself. Including clothing.
"Whut'z goen oen?" asks the Prance, drawn to the kitchen by our raised voices.
Yes Dear and I stand glaring silently at each other, each daring the other to try and explain to Legolas what happened. Finally, I tell him, "Legolas, we are sorry about what happened to you at the prison."
He cocks his head to the left and gives me the Thranduil eyebrow.
"I mean, we're sorry they locked you up, and that the other prisoners were trying to touch you, and that you weren't allowed to call us, and that you had to let a stranger have your weapons, and that they put you all by yourself in a strange place, and that they took your clothes away, and.."
"U souend like Brethil," he says. "Dey deed not taek my kloez, an dere wuz a poeliseman wid me all da tiem. I wuz neber aloen, an dey wear vary niece tu me. I wuz noet afraed, al. Noet at all."
Suddenly, I feel much better. I really do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We head down to visit the Grammar Laedee in Charleston for a late Christmas. She' s laid out a feast of all Legolas' favorite foods, from the banana pudding to the Hershey's Miniatures hidden in the little candy tin. He's literally in hog heaven.
She's got CABLE TV. There's Gilligan's Island and MASH and Fantasy Island. There's MTV and the Animal Planet, and he's positively giddy over The Crocodile Hunter. When my brother asks to go see "The Two Towers" with me, Legolas doesn't move from his nest of pillows on the floor. I didn't even ask him if he wanted to ride with us.
Turns out he never noticed I was gone. No wonder they call it the One Eyed God.
Sunday dawns bright and clear. My mom is excited that we will finally get a chance to go with her to her new church. It's a medium sized one, and the dress is fairly casual. She wants us to hear the choir sing, since that is something Legolas and I both enjoy at our home church.
We play the customary "meet and greet" game, the one where you pretend you remember everyone who claims they knew you when you were small. While Mom and I gush over the incredible feats of the grandchildren of the woman sitting next to us in our pew, Legolas and Yes Dear peruse the bulletin. I can just see them out of the corner of my eye.
"I noe dat soeng," says the Prance, pointing at the first hymn. "I noe dat won tue."
They continue down the page until they reach the heading "SACRIFICE". It is written in large bold letters. Legolas looks up at Yes Dear, his eyes wide. His next statement is loud enough that even I look to see if what I heard is true.
"Hae, id sez hear dey ar gunna hav a sakriefise!"
"Yep," answers Yes Dear, face impassive.
Legolas sits patiently, awaiting further information from Yes Dear. When nothing more comes, he decides to turn his statement into a question.
"Ar dey reely gunna hav a sakriefise?" he questions.
"Yep," answers Yes Dear.
The Prance sits quietly again, contemplating this. His bright elven eyes scan the room, searching the congregation to see if the unwitting victim might be sitting amongst us. Finding mostly gray hair making up the audience, he decides to risk another question.
"A yung won?"
"Yep," answers Yes Dear. He leans over and whispers something into Legolas' ear.
Legolas sits back, his eyes scanning again.
As I settle back when the prelude begins, I notice that the Prance has changed his normal posture. At our church, he normally sits leaning back in his seat with knees apart in his 'Council of Elrond' pose. Now he is sitting bolt upright with his legs clamped together and his hands tucked between his thighs. His bright eyes glance furtively about the room.
"Is something wrong?" I ask him.
"Noep," he answers.
We stand for the first hymn, and I notice that he misses several of the notes from the tenor harmony, and sings the first phrase of the second verse twice instead of moving on to the third. Legolas loves to sing, especially the more complicated tenor parts, and for him to bungle a single note on a hymn he knows so well is totally unheard of.
"Legolas, are you sure you are ok?" I ask as we sit back down.
"Yeap," he answers, never taking his eyes off the happenings at the pulpit.
We make our way through the order of service, and by the time we reach the choir's anthem, he is literally sitting on the edge of the pew. Someone behind us drops their hymnal, and he jump-starts so hard into my side that my teeth clack together.
"What is wrong?" I hiss through my teeth.
"Nuthen," he gulps, looking around anxiously. I catch a glimpse of Yes Dear, who is trying so hard to stifle his laughter that he looks like he is having a continuous barrage of the hiccups. Arms crossed over his chest with one hand at his lips, he is biting his index finger and squeezing his eyes shut. Something is definitely going on here.
When the choir finishes, the ushers stand and move to the altar to get the collection plates for the offering. Legolas can contain himself no longer.
"Eggskuse me, pleeze," he blurts, leaping over Little Pip and I and scrambling toward the aisle, pushing quickly past my mom and the grandmother at the end of our row. He bolts up the aisle and out the door, blond mane flying, as Yes Dear lets out a snort. My mother is glaring bullets at the two of us now.
"What have you done?" I ask Yes Dear.
"Nothing," he replies between giggles.
The ushers move from pew to pew, we sing The Lord's Prayer, and soon we are finished with the second hymn and have started to listen to the reading of the scripture. Still no Legolas. Yes Dear has calmed down but still emits a soft bubble or two of laughter every so often.
When he still hasn't returned by the time the last hymn begins, I excuse myself to go make sure he is all right. I find him pacing on the sidewalk outside the sanctuary door.
"What is it?" I demand. "What is the matter with you?"
"Ar dey luukin fur me?" he gasps, clearly upset.
"Why in the world would anyone be looking for you?" I ask, totally lost at this point.
"Yes Dear sed dey wear gunna sakriefiese a veergeen dis moerning," he gulps. "A veergeen wid loeng bloend hare!"
Before I can digest this, the church doors open and the congregation begins to pour out into the courtyard.
"Hear dey com!" shouts the Prance, taking off in a dead run for the woods behind the church.
"LEGOLAS!" I call, trying to run after him while holding up the skirt of my ankle-length green velvet dress. I stop at the edge of the woods, knowing full well there is no reason to follow him further. An elf who wishes to hide himself in the woods is one best left until he is good and ready to come out on his own.
Yes Dear joins me, still laughing. "What did you say to him?" I demand.
"All I said was that usually the word sacrifice implied the offering of a virgin," crows Yes Dear, "and that this church preferred virgins with long blond hair."
I put it all together. Where we have the offering and pass the collection plate, my mother's church calls the same thing the Sacrifice. Though he was just teasing Legolas, it seems that Yes Dear may have just uncovered a little secret about our Prance.
From the treetops above, I hear a soft voice call, "al?"
"yes?"
"Iz it saef tu com out noew? Are dey all goen?"
I glance back at the church where the last of the little old ladies are climbing into their cars.
"Yes," I tell him, "it's safe now. The service is over."
I hear his sight of relief all the way from here. Next thing I know, he drops silently to the ground beside me.
"Dat wuz klose!" he breathes.
Yes Dear turns and starts back toward the parking lot, his shoulders still shaking from his laughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author's Note from al: Big thanks to TreeHugger for the morale beta'ing and for her patience in awaiting the "gift" I have for her, and another Big Thanks to PuterPatty, who looked for stray commas and all sorts of other things I thought I had already cleaned up. She's good. She's REAL GOOD.
And now, what you have all been waiting almost a month for. . . *hands out drool buckets and rolls of paper towels*. . . I present:
Lub Ledderz frum Legolas:
HAE EBERYWON!! I EM BAK!!
I meesed all of u soe muech. I hoep I remimber tu anser all of dese kwestshuns! Hear we goe:
Seaweed: I muest git nockd out ebery tiem I goe frum Meedle-erth tu Moedrn- erth. It tuuk me awile tu feal bedder dis tiem. *huegz an keesez fur u!* Itz an akshun FEEGUR I tael u, noet a doell! Dat Gimli soert of groewz oen u, duzn't he?
Estina: I wuz tu tierd tu bea hieper. *huegz u*
Lady Silence: Kin I hav won of doze Tweezlrz? Oer deed Alli eet dem al? *Beeegu hueg fur u*
Hiro-tyre: I hoep u ar okae noew? Dat wuz a lot tu reed all at wonce! *beeg skweeaze fur u*
Karone: It wuz da chaerrie oen da ise kreem dat maed me com bak. *geeglez!* *smuuch*
Newmoon: I deed mees u! Taep daensin oen da edje of Mownt Duum? Dat iz sumptin I weel keap en miend. Woo Hoo iz sumptin dat Celeborn sez whin I em en Lothlorien. Der iz sumptin abot seain me dat maekz heem wanna speand eggstra tiem keesin wid Galadriel. I doent git it misef ethr. Mebbe u culd ask Nancing Elf, id wuz her ideea. *elbin lub fur u!*
Lou: Da akshun feegur of misef iz a perty guud gieft tu, doent u thaenk? *greinz an huegz u*
leail: I wuz kwiet tierd whin I got bak, buet noew I feal bedder. Meesed u! *smuuch fur u*
Michelle: I DUE REELY like kaendee. Hoew culd u tael? *hueggz*
Andy's Princess: I em glaed u like wachin me at da moovee. U soend soe eggsited tu sea me! *huegz an keesez* I meesed u tu!
The Two Princesses: al iz gittin tu bea kwite a furmidible worrier, doent u thaenk? I meesed u all. Hearz sum of doze x an o'z fur u: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Deed u like it whin I juempd oen Arod?
Anja: ff.net muest hav bean loest widout me. Da site wuz a meass de hole tiem I wuz goen. Noew I em bak, an thaengz seam tu bea bedder alreedy! *huegz u!*
Puter Patty: Woew. I lub da waey u suemd eberythang up. Eberywon shuld goe an reed PuterPatty's reeveew fur Chaeptr 1. Okae, steek ur eer uep hear a'amelamin, I hav sumptin tu tael u. *wheesprz* *grienz* Okae? *BEEG HUEGZ U!* *Deepz u* *an a snoeg tu!*
JastaElf: Roeyall Baeksied?? *glaencez ober shoueldr* Yeas Deer waents tu noe if heez chek iz en da male. Thaenkz, Ada, fur ur guud an wieze wurdz. I lub u boef! *keesez fur u bof, buet Jasta's eez a snoeg oen da leepz, an Ada's ez a peack on da cheak.*
laure: U goet soe eggsited u deed a Legolas! Deed u puesh da buetton 3 tiemz? Hehehe. *Huegz u fur da eaffurt* A poester? Fur me? *daensez arond* Hannon le! Thaenkz fur ur kiend wurdz tu.
Stimpy: I taestd alot of da deefrint kiendz of kaendee, an da maen maed us pae fur all da opean bokzez eben if I deed noet eet it all. *huegz u!*
IRENA: LUUK, HEAR IT IZ! KIN U FIEND IT EEF I TIPE REEL BEEG LIKE DIS??? She kald me SHMOOPIE!! *faentz* Ar u okae, Rwalaer? Noe taelk of leathur an chaenz dis tiem? U muest hav thot u haed reely loest me. I em soerrie tu skare u, melethron. I em hear fur u noew. *klozez eyez and keesez u teandrlee wile reechin fur da maesage kreem*
Chelsey: I thot I saew u luurkin ouet dere. I hav elbin eyez, u noe. I em thrield u deesided tu fienaly reeveew! *huegz* Due it agin, okae?
Skye Rocket: I EM BAK!!! Eeaak! Whut ar we eakin abot? Due u need a hueg tu? *Huegz!*
Abbey Road: al sez thaenkz, she neaded dat cueddl. Kin I hav won tu? *cueddlz u* I em glaed u joiend us! Awstrailya? Dat souendz like fuen!
Magical Rachel: al sez tu tael u she deed noet deesied tu due a seekwill. It juest haeppnd. *huegs u* I meesed u tu! I lub dat luuk oen ur faece! Due it agin! *keesez*
Legolana Greenleaf: Luuk at u daensin! Teech me sum of dose, okae? An peenut budder kuepz ar da beast, aernt dey??! *huegz*
Vladimirs Angel: *waevz* Hae baybee tu u tuu! Trubel? *luukz arond* Deed u sae I wuz en trubel? I doent sea eny trubel. . .al an I DUE nead eech uthr. We hav a vary uenusuel relaeshunsheep, doent u thaenk? *beeg hueg fur u*
TreeHugger: Buet I EM a perty boey, u sea?! I deed remimbr da pone nuembr. I haed all niet tu thaenk abot it. I rote doewn da nuembrz, den da laedee poelisewuman luuked al'z naem up en da pone buuk an mached da nuembrz up fur me. Due u thaenk I em spoyld? I doent smael anithang *lieftz aerm an sneefz* Mebee I shuld taed anuthr baf. . . .Yeas Deer huegz a leedle like Haldir. My Ada deed teech me weel. Yeas Deer sez tu tael eberybuddie dat al DEED NOET CUUK eni of da Chreestmiss deener. She kint cuuk a thaeng. Weel, mebbe greeld cheaze samwitches. She gitz tu maek da saelid an kleenup. Hae Brethil! Hae Elu! Hae Natebuddie and Cowgirl KK12! Hae Meestr Ron! *huegz an keesez fur da gurlz, an haendshaeks wid da men*
Arilyn: Woaw! Dat wuz sum hueg! I like ur daense. Due it agin? I thaenk u ar da sweatest leedle thaeng tu! *keesez u!*
Laura: Hannon le, Laura! Dat meenz thaenk u en elvish. Da jael wuz noet soe baed, dey wear vary niece tu me dere. Thaenk u fur maekin me feal bedder abot Helm's Deep. Dat heped alot. *huegz *
SarWolfe Snape: *geeglz* I shuld bea sweat aftur eetin all dat kaendee! *huegs an a kees tu u!*
Darth Yak: I em jest glaed I deed noet hav tu ware ruebee glaess sleeprz an sae "Dere'z noe plaece like hoem, dere'z noe plaece like hoem" I wuld NEBER bea aebl tu liv dat won doewn. U okae? *skweazes u*
ElvenPrincess-Gwenedh: WooHoo! (c Celeborn) *huegz u!*
Nilmandra: Dere u ar! I thot I saew u haengin arond out dere. I em glaed u fienaly rote soe I culd sae Hae tu u! *beeg hueg!*
Eileen: I lub my akshun feegur! It iz reely cuul. Due u hav won? I em glaed tu bea bak tu! *hueg*
Karri: U maed me feal bedder saeyn doze kiend wurdz of supoert. Kin I hav a hueg tu? *huegz u*
Mickie: Whutz haerd tu ketch-da bierdz, or doze Dwarfz? LOL! OEH YEAH, BAYBEE! (c Legolas) Da Daytona 500 iz comeen owr wae! *VAARUUM VAARUUM!!* Iz Tony ur faevoriet? I wanna driev da beeg broewn Truk! *smuuchez u!*
Jazz: Dere iz nuthin kwite like comin hoem tu chear u up. I deedn't eet all da kaendee, buet I DEED oepn a loet of da bokzez. *sweat kees fur u*
OverCast Day: Hae dere! Kin u due dat daense agin? I wuz tryen tu laern dat won. Guud luk oen ur taest. Whin due u taek it? Hearz a kees fur luk . . .*kees!*
borednhyper: MMmmmm. . . Kiet Kaet Bietz. I aet all of doze dat dey haed. U mite bedder tael da truf tu ur fraiend abot me. Itz a biet kroewdid uendrneeth a bed. Duesty tu. *Beeg hueg*
gershwin: Ada haz sum blue haenkeez if u kaent fiend won of Lord Elrondz. *huegs u, den snoegz u a guud won!* tea hea!
Endomiel: U liked dat shoet I deed oen dat roep? Peese of kake! Dat'll teech dem tu meas wid da guud sied. *keesez u*
anna: I em fealin muech bedder noew. It wuz guud tu bea bak an tu sleap en a reel bead an eet reel fuud agin. *snuegglez u*
Lady Peredhel: Luuk, al! Anuthr won whoe haz neber doen it beafour! TeaHea! I doent hav eny kaevitiez. I em vary kareful tu bruesh my teef all da tiem. *keesez u* Sea??
isilwen: I due feal muech bedder, thaenks tu all da kiend thaengz peepl hav sed tu enkurage me. I meesed u tu! Hueg me, okae? *huegz* MMmmmm, dat's bedder!
ithinkineedanewname: I meesed u tu! *luukz beahiend me* Wach my bak fur whut? Oeh, u meen my Roeyall Baeksied? Dere ar shure enuf peepl weeling tu hep me wid dat! *snog fur u*
Dagmar of Avalon: Guud tu sea u agin! I em bak, wid loetz of thaengz tu tale u. *huegz tu u!*
Yuffie-Girl: Jest hereing frum u cheard me uep! Elves doent groew hare on dere gutz.~Legolas, she meant gut ache as in stomache, not gutache spelled and pronounced like moustache, even though they look similar. ~ Dey DUE luuk aliek! Hearz a kees fur u! *KEES*
Rose: Dat pikshur iz "faek me," noet reel me. I em pertier dan heem. I mite be bloend, buet eben I noe Merry an Pippin ar steel en Meedle-erth. Bloendz ar smaertr dan u theenk. As fur noet anserin ur reeveewz, u deed noet rite tu me unteel aftur I wuz goen bak tu Meedle-erth, an dis iz da fuerst tiem I hav fealt uep tu tipin seense my reatuern. My Adar sed tu bea shur tu tael u pashinse iz a veertue. *hueg*
Sea u neks tiem!
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You all know what to do. Let Legolas feel the love, baby! Send him a message by pressing the review button below. He gets so excited reading each and every one of your messages! This chapter was a bit hard for him; I don't think he wanted you to know about what happened this time, but the anticipation of answering all of you outweighed the anxiety. He's funny that way, especially when he's hopped up on sugar. Thanks again for all your love and encouragement!