Lord Of The Rings - The Way It Was Never Meant To Be Written
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the new characters that appear in this chapter. They obviously belong to their creators; although the new names are my own ideas. Anyway, here we go...
Chapter 2 - Talking Trees and Confused Characters
"Alas alack! I hear trees talking.All the time!"
"Heeelllllll."
"Who said that? It's him isn't it? He's out to get me! He says I'm going to hell! Aaaagghhhhh!!!!!!!" Yelled Harry. *Exits screaming like a girl.*
"...lllloooo"
"Why are you smiling Rudolf " Asked Froggo
"Because I have had a sudden flash of brilliance none of you lower mortal beings could possibly of imagined."
"Oh looketh! It's Bush-stubbleth!" Exclaimed Duplolad. "Maybeth he can helpeth us defeateth Salmon"
"Duplolad isn't a mortal being so he doesn't count" Said Rudolf the Red (and green - he was being festive) sulkily.
"Excuses excuses" Said Arrowthorn "Bush-stubble! Will you help us defeat Salmon and reclaim Almost Middle Earth?"
[Author's Note: All Bush-stubble's speeches are very long so I am going to write the condensed and sped up version.Feel free to read as slow as you want.]
"Well. I would keep him imprisoned in the Tower and talk to him until he goes insane, but as you will never actually come back to see me, I see nothing in it for me." Replied Bush-stubble
"Good, good" Said Arrowthorn waking up. (Everyone had fallen asleep by the time Bush-stubble got to the word 'Tower'... then Bush-stubble fell asleep himself)
"Huh?" Asked Froggo waking up
"Alas al..."
"ME WANTS IT!!! ME WANTS IT!!! NASTY, FAT, THIEVING HOBBITSES!!!"
"Now really Pollen. You could give Froggo an eating disorder saying things like that. Just because Hobbits stuff their faces day and night and are, well, a perhaps little on the podgy side, does not mean that they're nasty and fat." Said Arrowthorn reprovingly.
"He's right Treacle, you're a bad demented Hobbit, very bad demented Hobbit!" Came a voice from behind Arrowthorn.
"Treacle wouldn't hurt a fly!!! He'd kill a Hobbit yes, but not a fly!!!" Wailed Treacle/Pollen.
*Starts hitting himself over the head with a handy rock*
"Treacle, no!" Yelled Froggo stepping towards him.
Suddenly a little green balding goblin thing came rushing out of nowhere.
"No! He must learn to discipline himself, yes! He must overcome the dark side within himself, yes. It is the way of the force!"
"Whateth?" Asked Duplolad.
"Yeah, who on Almost-Middle-Earth are you?" Said Rudolf the Red (rose - he had a fondness for flowers)
"For that matter, who the hell is he?" Asked Arrowthorn pointing down at his side where a small, pillow case-wearing creature sporting red and yellow toe socks was currently tottering around aimlessly; his pupils the size of dinner plates.
"Whoever he is, he's either drunk or high by the looks of him." Said Rudolf the Red (Microwave?)
The small, pillow case-wearing creature sporting red and yellow toe socks looked up at them bemusedly.
"Is Sir talking to me, Sir? He asked in a squeaky, high pitched voice
"What are you? Who are you? And what are you doing here?" Asked Arrowthorn
"And whoeth are alleth these...thingeths?" Asked Duplolad
"I am Dinky the Home Elf Slave, Sir. And this" He pointed at the little green balding goblin thing "is the ancient and most wise master of Yoga, Sir; and we are here because we don't have a map, Sir"
"Excuse me?"
"We don't have a map, Sir"
"Alas alack" Said Duplolad
"Precisely, Sir" Said Dinky
"Hang on" Said Froggo "Did you say elf? I thought Duplolad was an elf?!"
*Everyone looks at Duplolad who is doing his gazing thoughtfully into the distance pose. Everyone stays that way for several minutes until Bush -stubble falls asleep and starts snoring.*
[Have you ever heard an tree snore?
No?
Well that doesn't matter as it's completely irrelevant because Bush-stubble is a) Not a tree and b) Actually snores.
When he snores, the ground shakes and birds within a 100 mile radius die of fright. In short, it's very, very loud. Think screaming girl fans at an Orlando Bloom film premiere.]
"Alas alack" Sighed Duplolad resignedly
"What? Do you mean...you're not an elf?..." Gasped Froggo
To be continued...
In the next chapter... Duplolad confesses all; Pollen continues to undermine Froggo's confidence; Rudolf gets fed up with everyone's childish behaviour, and Harry Potter Returns. (But not as King.)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the new characters that appear in this chapter. They obviously belong to their creators; although the new names are my own ideas. Anyway, here we go...
Chapter 2 - Talking Trees and Confused Characters
"Alas alack! I hear trees talking.All the time!"
"Heeelllllll."
"Who said that? It's him isn't it? He's out to get me! He says I'm going to hell! Aaaagghhhhh!!!!!!!" Yelled Harry. *Exits screaming like a girl.*
"...lllloooo"
"Why are you smiling Rudolf " Asked Froggo
"Because I have had a sudden flash of brilliance none of you lower mortal beings could possibly of imagined."
"Oh looketh! It's Bush-stubbleth!" Exclaimed Duplolad. "Maybeth he can helpeth us defeateth Salmon"
"Duplolad isn't a mortal being so he doesn't count" Said Rudolf the Red (and green - he was being festive) sulkily.
"Excuses excuses" Said Arrowthorn "Bush-stubble! Will you help us defeat Salmon and reclaim Almost Middle Earth?"
[Author's Note: All Bush-stubble's speeches are very long so I am going to write the condensed and sped up version.Feel free to read as slow as you want.]
"Well. I would keep him imprisoned in the Tower and talk to him until he goes insane, but as you will never actually come back to see me, I see nothing in it for me." Replied Bush-stubble
"Good, good" Said Arrowthorn waking up. (Everyone had fallen asleep by the time Bush-stubble got to the word 'Tower'... then Bush-stubble fell asleep himself)
"Huh?" Asked Froggo waking up
"Alas al..."
"ME WANTS IT!!! ME WANTS IT!!! NASTY, FAT, THIEVING HOBBITSES!!!"
"Now really Pollen. You could give Froggo an eating disorder saying things like that. Just because Hobbits stuff their faces day and night and are, well, a perhaps little on the podgy side, does not mean that they're nasty and fat." Said Arrowthorn reprovingly.
"He's right Treacle, you're a bad demented Hobbit, very bad demented Hobbit!" Came a voice from behind Arrowthorn.
"Treacle wouldn't hurt a fly!!! He'd kill a Hobbit yes, but not a fly!!!" Wailed Treacle/Pollen.
*Starts hitting himself over the head with a handy rock*
"Treacle, no!" Yelled Froggo stepping towards him.
Suddenly a little green balding goblin thing came rushing out of nowhere.
"No! He must learn to discipline himself, yes! He must overcome the dark side within himself, yes. It is the way of the force!"
"Whateth?" Asked Duplolad.
"Yeah, who on Almost-Middle-Earth are you?" Said Rudolf the Red (rose - he had a fondness for flowers)
"For that matter, who the hell is he?" Asked Arrowthorn pointing down at his side where a small, pillow case-wearing creature sporting red and yellow toe socks was currently tottering around aimlessly; his pupils the size of dinner plates.
"Whoever he is, he's either drunk or high by the looks of him." Said Rudolf the Red (Microwave?)
The small, pillow case-wearing creature sporting red and yellow toe socks looked up at them bemusedly.
"Is Sir talking to me, Sir? He asked in a squeaky, high pitched voice
"What are you? Who are you? And what are you doing here?" Asked Arrowthorn
"And whoeth are alleth these...thingeths?" Asked Duplolad
"I am Dinky the Home Elf Slave, Sir. And this" He pointed at the little green balding goblin thing "is the ancient and most wise master of Yoga, Sir; and we are here because we don't have a map, Sir"
"Excuse me?"
"We don't have a map, Sir"
"Alas alack" Said Duplolad
"Precisely, Sir" Said Dinky
"Hang on" Said Froggo "Did you say elf? I thought Duplolad was an elf?!"
*Everyone looks at Duplolad who is doing his gazing thoughtfully into the distance pose. Everyone stays that way for several minutes until Bush -stubble falls asleep and starts snoring.*
[Have you ever heard an tree snore?
No?
Well that doesn't matter as it's completely irrelevant because Bush-stubble is a) Not a tree and b) Actually snores.
When he snores, the ground shakes and birds within a 100 mile radius die of fright. In short, it's very, very loud. Think screaming girl fans at an Orlando Bloom film premiere.]
"Alas alack" Sighed Duplolad resignedly
"What? Do you mean...you're not an elf?..." Gasped Froggo
To be continued...
In the next chapter... Duplolad confesses all; Pollen continues to undermine Froggo's confidence; Rudolf gets fed up with everyone's childish behaviour, and Harry Potter Returns. (But not as King.)