Author's Notes: Ok, I promised to explain why there was such a long gap
between chapters there. A lot of you thought we had gone AWOL to the
Bahamas, didn't you?? The truth is I was waiting to see how this part of
the story would all play out. Those of you with aversions to doctors and
things of such nature be warned. I will try to be discreet, but you may
have questions you might want to consider the younger readers about before
you ask in your reviews. Feel free to e-mail me at
alliwantisanelfforchristmas@hotmail.com if you feel your question is a bit
detailed for younger or more squeemish eyes, ok? Thanks for your attention
during this little commercial break, and now on to our show. . . .
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Chapter 7 Let the Soap Opera Begin
Wednesday morning I wake up with a backache. Thinking I must have slept wrong, I try moving around and walking through the house, trying to stretch it out. It's a vague sort of pain happening only on the right side.
Legolas is already parked in front of the TV, watching his beloved "Pee Bea Ess." The strains of the Cookie Monster singing, "C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me," accompanied by fine elven tenor wafts through the den, mixed with the occasional sounds of crunching as he absentmindedly chews his Rice Chex straight from the box.
"Good morning, Prance," I say halfheartedly as I head for the microwave to heat up my heating pad.
"Moernin," he mumbles through a mouthful of cereal, never taking his eyes from the TV screen.
Ten minutes later, my backache is increasing despite the stretching and the heat, increasing to the point I am really beginning to . . .not feel so hot.
In another five minutes, I am on my knees worshipping the porcelain god in the bathroom. The right side of my back feels like some big Uruk-hai is squashing it in some medieval torture device, and he's laughing while he does it. I cannot stop the long, low moan that escapes my lips.
In the den, a fine pair of pointed elven ears picks up the sounds of distress over Kermit the Frog and the steel drum rhythm of "Caribbean Amphibian". His curious face appears in the doorway, his head cocked to one side.
"al?" he asks softly. "U okae?"
"Get the phone for me," I manage to gasp before throwing up again. He darts down the hallway, reappearing momentarily with phone in hand. I dial the number to Yes Dear's office and quickly hand the phone back to the Prance as another huge wave of nausea hits me. I hear his frantic voice shouting into the phone, "Sumpthaeng iz roeng wid al! Coem hoem kwik!" as my world fades to black. . . .
When I come to, there's a cold wet washcloth on my forehead and a long fingered hand is patting my cheek. The pain is so bad now I can't get up from where I am on the floor.
"al?" he calls, his voice full of worry. "Whut'z roeng, al? Whut iz da maettr?"
"Legolas," I gasp, "can you help me get up off this floor?"
He lifts me carefully in his arms and carries me to Yes Dear's recliner chair in the den. Depositing me gently in the seat, he kneels beside me and softly strokes my arm. "Whut due I due, al? Hoew kin I healp u?"
"Help me push the chair back and put my feet up," I grit through clenched teeth, feeling lightheaded again. "And can you empty the bathroom trash can and bring it to me, quick?"
By now the tears are threatening to fall and I am hurting bad enough I couldn't stay still if all of Haldir's Lothlorien army were drawing arrows on me at the same time. As I writhe in agony, I am aware Yes Dear's car has arrived only because Legolas leaps up from his position at my side and bolts to open the door. As he pulls Yes Dear through the doorway, I hear my better half ask, "What happened?"
Coming around the corner of the kitchen to catch a glimpse of me is all Yes Dear needs to tell him exactly what is going on. We've been here before, many, many times.
Legolas whispers intently to him, "An eeveel whizrd muest hav kaest a spael oen her. I hav neber sean einthaeng like dis beafoar."
Yes Dear's quick, not to mention experienced, and in the time it takes Legolas to make his report, Yes Dear's already at the diagnosis. "Ahhhh, another kidney stone, I see."
"Oh yeah, baby," I squeak out.
Two quick phone calls later and Yes Dear is warming up the car, preparing to take me to the Emergency Room of our local county hospital. Climbing out of the recliner, the pain intensifies even more and I find I cannot stand up to walk. Yes Dear moves to catch my arm to support me, but Legolas is having none of that.
"I goet her," he tells Yes Dear. "U git dat doar." As Yes Dear grabs the plastic trash can I am waving desperately for, Legolas scoops me up in his arms and rushes to the car. He buckles me into the front passenger seat and leaps in the back.
"Due u hav a heeler?" he asks Yes Dear.
"That's where we're going," Yes Dear answers him.
Legolas croons softly to me, wipes my face with the washcloth, and passes me tissues on which to dry my tears and blow my nose. He's stretched himself forward as far as his seatbelt will allow. Yes Dear drives down the country backroads as fast as he dares to go. I just cry and moan and rock forward and back, holding my right flank and making a noise that vaguely sounds like the siren of an EMS truck. I think what a good thing it is that Little Pip is already at school and missing this show.
By the time Yes Dear drops Legolas and me off at the emergency entrance, the pain has subsided slightly; enough that I can walk if I stay hunched over. I clutch the trash can to my chest, wondering if the various shades of green I am feeling are actually visible on my skin. The ER secretary takes one look at me and calls for the triage nurse to come to the waiting room. As the nurse motions for me to follow her to the admitting room, Legolas plasters himself to my right side, not about to be left behind.
"Sir? Sir?" calls the secretary. "You'll need to fill out this paperwork!" I realize she is talking to Legolas, and heaven forbid if anyone tries to decipher his spelling, I'll be having a brain tumor removed or something.
"Legolas," I say, "go get Yes Dear."
"I em NOET leevin u." It is a statement of fact. There is no point in arguing with that particular elven tone of voice.
Just then, Yes Dear walks through the ER doors and assesses the situation. "I'm with her," he says to the secretary. To her puzzled look he adds, "Here's her insurance card."
With the secretary thus satisfied, Legolas is allowed to accompany me to the admitting room. The nurse has me sit in a chair with the Prance standing beside me on my right. She begins to write on the paper attached to a clipboard sitting there on the counter top.
"What brings you here to our ER today?" she asks me.
Before I can answer, the Prance announces, "U sea, dis eeveel whizard . . . "
"I think I'm having a kidney stone," I cut in. Legolas gives me the Thranduil eyebrow.
"I take it this is not your first?" the nurse asks me. She cuts her eyes to the Prance, giving him a little smile out of the corner of her mouth. He smiles back.
"No," I answer. "I have had them since I was a teenager, off and on every couple of years."
She writes that down on her clipboard. Legolas is looking around the room now, surveying all the varied pieces of equipment.
The nurse sticks a thermometer under my tongue. While it registers, she wraps a blood pressure cuff around my left upper arm and pushes the button so that it will inflate. Legolas is all eyes at this point.
"Whut's dat?" he asks. This is when I realize I have neglected to tell him not to ask questions, for fear he will draw attention to himself by showing he is not familiar with the basics of good healthcare. Face it, even most human children recognize a BP cuff and a thermometer when they see one. All of this is brand new stuff to Legolas, and mighty interesting stuff on top of that.
"This is a blood pressure cuff," the nurse replies with a sweet smile that is certainly not wasted on the Prance. "It tells me about how your wife's heart is doing."
"She'z noet my wief," comes from the Prance at the same time something sounding like, "I'm nod hez whief," emits from my own lips around the thermometer. Legolas giggles.
"Oh," the nurse replies with a frown.
"I liv wid her," corrects the Prance. Somehow things are NOT getting better with that particular clarification.
Yes Dear takes this opportunity to walk through the door, and says pointedly to the nurse, "I'm her husband."
Oh yeah, baby. (c al) Things are clear as glass now, aren't they?
The BP cuff deflates at the same time the thermometer beeps. The nurse takes both from me and records the numbers on her little clipboard.
"Come with me," she says.
We follow her into the Emergency Room to a large central desk. She picks up a little cup in a plastic wrapper and hands it to me. "Get me a sample, could you?" she asks, pointing to the door of the restroom behind me.
As I go in and turn to shut the door, Legolas crowds in with me. "No, baby," I tell him, "I can do this by myself."
"I doen't waent tu leeve u, al," he says. "U shuldn't bea aloen."
I smile reassuringly at him. "You can stand outside and guard the door for me, ok? If you do that, I promise not to lock it. Then you can get in if I need to call you for help."
He frowns at this, then quickly assesses the room to see there are no other ways to get in or out. Verifying things seem safe enough to suit him, he nods to me and steps back outside.
When I come out, he turns his nose up at the contents of my little plastic cup. "I hoep u waeshd ur haendz," he scolds me.
The nurse then escorts us to a curtained room with a stretcher and a single chair. Yes Dear commandeers the chair in a quick hurry. He's done this before, and knows to claim the chair before it gets moved out of the way. Legolas stands at my side, uncertain of what to do.
"Come sit with me, Prance," I say, patting the bed beside me as I sit down. He carefully boosts himself up to perch at my side, his hip touching mine. It's as if he is afraid if he loses physical contact with me, all hope for my recovery is lost.
The doctor, a burly dude dressed in blue scrubs, steps in and introduces himself. "Hello, I'm Dr. King, the emergency attending today. I understand you're having back pain?"
He asks for a brief rundown of my history, and watches me squirm in pain while I give him the details that seem pertinent. Legolas sits stock still at my side. Yes Dear throws in a detail or two; heck, most times he's more capable of remembering the details at this stage than I am.
"Well," says Dr. King, "you know the drill then. Let's get you started on something for pain and nausea and then we'll get an X-ray, ok?" He smiles kindly.
"Okae!" pitches in the Prance.
"Not for you, dummy," says Yes Dear from his chair in the corner.
"I noe it'z noet fur me," Legolas answers with a scowl. "It'z fur al. She neadz tu feal bedder."
A new nurse comes in, identifying herself as Wanda. She's carrying a basket with IV supplies in it. "Which one of you gets the IV?" she teases.
Feeling better at the thought of good pain medicine, I dredge up a bit of my normal playfulness long enough to hop down from my seat on the stretcher, leaving Legolas sitting there in the hot seat. This elicits a roar of laughter from Wanda.
"Whut?" asks the Prance. When Wanda pulls a rather mean looking needle out of her basket, the Prance realizes he's been had, and scrambles backward off the stretcher, almost landing in Yes Dear's lap.
"Good one, al," says Yes Dear.
"Thanks," I reply.
"Whut?" asks the Prance. "I em noet gittin DAT!"
"Oh, alright, you chickens," I say, working my way back onto the stretcher and laying down, "I'll take it."
"Men," mutters Wanda with a smile as she ties the tourniquet above my elbow. Legolas watches her intently from the safety of the other side of the bed. When she slides the needle into my vein, he looks quickly away with a grimace and shudders. He peeps back slowly, his face a bit paler than before, even for an elf.
The nurse tapes the assembly to my arm so I won't bump it and then excuses herself briefly, leaving the three of us alone. Yes Dear has already gathered a handful of magazines from the waiting room, and is happily perusing "Sports Illustrated" and "Golf". Legolas stands at my side, protecting me from whatever danger his mind can conjure up next.
When the nurse reappears, she has what I have been waiting for all along. Drugs. Good Drugs. The kind your mother tells you to "Just Say No!" to, except if you are having a kidney stone and the doctor says it's ok. She pulls the cap off the needle, and I see Legolas go another shade paler.
I reach out and take his hand. "It's ok, she's not going to stick me with that," I tell him.
She nods and smiles as she puts the medicine into the IV catheter tube that is in my vein near my elbow. "That's the one for the pain," she says, "and this one is to help you stop feeling like you're going to throw up." She moves to put the railings up on each side of the bed, so I won't fall if I turn over.
In a few minutes, I am feeling pretty sleepy. I can see a clock on the wall through a little crack where Wanda has left the curtain open so she can peek in on me through the crack as she passes by without coming in and waking me up. I close my eyes for just a second, just a blink really, and when I open them to look at the clock again, 30 minutes have passed. Yes Dear is still reading in the corner. Legolas is still standing at my side.
"Would you like to sit up here by me?" I ask the Prance. He nods. He starts to climb over the rail, but decides that looks a little undignified and hesitates. Wanda sees his distress through the crack in the curtain and comes in to show him how to lower it.
"Remember, if you decide to stand back up, you have to put this back in place, ok?" she reminds him.
"Okae," he answers.
We stay like that, the three of us, for what seems like a long time. Suddenly there is a flurry of movement outside the curtain, and a woman dressed in a scrub top with teddy bears dancing on it enters.
"Time to take you to X-ray," she says.
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Lub Ledders frum Legolas:
al sez tu uael u all "Thaenkz!" fur all da nise theengz u sae tu her. She wuld noet traed her lief fur enibuddeez fur enithaeng, at leest dat iz whu she sez. She sez she lubz u all!
Sarwolfe Snape: * huegz u bak* I tried tu bea az shienin az Laedee Elbereth. It wuz loetz of fuen!
Nilmandra: Mithrandir wuz a Maertie-Stew? BAWAHAEHAEHAE!!! Pearfkit? I em noet alwaez pearfikt. I weel trie tu bea pearfekt if u waent me tu whin I git tu #7. Hear iz my faevurite geeft tu u * deap loeng kees wid a taest of hunniesuekl oen da sied*
Fadesintothewest: Titeroep waelkin iz aloet like croessin da Celebrant. Dat grean owtfiet fealt perty guud, buet da puerpil Tea-shert iz wae tu smaell reely. I em goen tu keap it beecuz it haz Laedee Nimrodel'z pikshur oen it. *huegz *
Aranel: I em soe glaed u cawt uep! * paetz coeld warshkloeth oen ur haed* All bedder noew?? Thaenkz fur joynin us. * bloewz a kees bak tu u!* U deedn't sea dat, deed u Matt??
Dragon-of-the-north: Titeroepz AR like treabraenchiz en Mirkwuud! I hav haed loetz of praktise. Mebbe TreeHugger weel sumdae draew a pikshur of da grean owtfiet fur eberybuddie. I em seandeeng a *beeg, beeg hueg * to u - iz dat okae??
dawtheminstrel: *skweeze *U noe, I shuld hav askd al abot leten Laedee Nimrodel coem tu liv wid us. She wuld mees da peeple klaeppin fur her tho I theenk. An der titez, I tael u! Tities!
Lady Silence: Bea karful, u'll speel ur meelk! An u mite droep ur kuukie tu! Dat wuld bea BAED! I em glaed u like my haet. Moer haetz tu coem! * kees fu u!*
Katani Petitendra: Dat caenon maen gaev me tiem tu git my hare drie. Pluez al sez she toel dat paert fur all da dye haerd Tolkien canon faenz soe dey kin sae I em foelloweeng canon! BAWAEHAEHAE!!! * smuuch*
Ms November Tuesday: TUESDAY!!! It'z U! *kees * I em wiekied, arnt I?? *weenkz * Hoersebak riedin souwndz like a loet of fuen. An I proemiss, No leezird eereengz! *hears an eggstra kees fur u-KEES! *
Michelle: * huegz tu u tu!* I em glaed u ar okae. Mebbe u need sum titeroep laessinz??
Fallohide Pride: I em guud at loetz of thaengz. I hav haed a loet of tiem tu praktise. Dat'z whut haeppinz whin u are immoral! * keesiz tu u tu!*
JastaElf: *THUD * Hi Jasta, al here. You know, I really thought eventually he would develop a tolerance to being called "My Little Honeybun of Elven Love" but I don't know in immortal yeats how long that takes. Ahhh, her he comes 'round now. . . . Hae Jaesta, Hae Ada. *Haengz haed an blueshiz * Soerrie I hav bean soe muech truble laetlee. I em glaed Celeb Baud iz bak whur it bealonengz. *A KEES??? * ***THUD***
Blume: Oeh yaeh, baybee! (c Legolas) I stae en truble all da tiem. * kueddlz u* Noew Bea guud!
Newmoon: * kin't breeth, kin't breethe! * Wheaw! U shur ar eggsited, aren't u?? I lub Hairy Poeddir. LP duz tu, she iz da won wnoe toeld me abot heem. *skweeziz u geantlee! *
Sperry Dee: I bet Chaerlie iz gittin beegur eberydae noew. Hav u peekd eni baebee naemz yaet? Hoers Kaemp souwndz like fuen! * huegz*
Astrid Tinuvial: My Adar alwaez toel me, "U noe, Leedle Greenleaf, if u kaen't bea powliet, doen't bea nuthin at all." Thaenk u fur da choklit baer. I oeffird sum to al, jest tu bea powliet, buet she wuz powliet tu an sed "Noe thaenk u." * cueddlz u *
The Whisperer: Oeh, I lub dat Beeg hueg an kees! I em trien tu taek guud kaer of al. Hearz a * beeg hueg an kees* bak atcha, baybee!
leail: LEAIL! I KIN'T HAELP MISEF!! LEAIL! LEAIL! * daensiz gleafuellie* I lub da wae u lub me, baybee. . . !! HAE PP, HAE IRENA!! LUUK OBER DERE-DAT PIERIT WHOE THAENKZ HE IZ ME IZ KOEMIN!!!! (Kwik, kees me wile dey ar luukin ober der, leail! *SNOGG! *)
anna: I theenk eberybuddie likez dat titeroep koestuem. Mebbie I weel sea if al kin bie me won at Waelmaert. . . . * hueg*
TreeHugger: I lub da seerkis! An noew I lub kloewnz tu! It jest goez tu shoew u dat u muest keap an oepin miend an bea braev abot eberythaeng. U souwnd like u mite hav bean wurried ursef abot me oen da titeroep? Oer wuz it dat u deedn't waent tu sea al trie tu eggsplayn whie I wuz waerin paentiehoze tu da EMS guyz? Dere Titez, I tael u!! Sae Hae tu Meestr Ron an Emma an Nate Bueddie-he ez soe braev! I em prowd of u, Nate!! *Huegz *
Lady Peredhel: I wuld bea glaed tu puet dat shert bak oen fur u, buet u jest keap ur rite aerm fur writin moer, okae?? U kin bea da "Keapur of Legolas' Keez oen da cheak" if I kin be da "Luer of Legolas" ! MMMmmm. . . .dose Italeen keesez AR guud! *smuuch *
Mickie: al fownd da NASCAR baendaedz at Waelmaert en a grean boez. I bet u ar haeppie wid da NASCAR newz laetlee, arn't u??!! Thaenkz fur da Doev hartz an keesez! * snuegglz*
Vladimirz Anger: U like da grean kostuem tu, hueh? Whur due u goe whin u goe awae?? * kees fur u*
The Two Princesses: * waevz!* Iz M okae noew? I em beean vary guud fur al. I hoep ur searvr iz gittin bedder, mebbe u shuld puet uep a haelp waentid sine an due sum eenturveewz. Hearz sum moer keesiz an Huegz! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Holly: * blueshz* Thaenkz! I thaenk I wuz steel tu weat frum da soepfite tu bea a kaenonbaell. * bee hueg an kees fur u!*
Cara6 & Andy8: Oeh, goesh, al -luuk whoe I fugoet laest tiem!!! I em soe soerrie!! Wealkum! * waevz* Choklit iz my faevurit fuud. I like peetza tu, wid eberytheng oen it. I em glaed u like my stoeree soe muech. Duz ur Moem souwnd bedder noew whin she perteandz tu bea me? * weeknz* U guyz lubd da titeroep tu, hueh?? I kin due dat titeroep thaeng oen treabraenchiz tu. Coemz en haendee whin eggscapeing Orkz an Gobblinz. Won dae I will trie dat byseekle, buet oen da grownd wid sum traenin weelz furst. Kin u ried a biek? Kin u teech me? Hearz sum * huegz* fur Cara6 an a *haendshaek * fur Andy8!
Dunrosiel: Eeting an dreenkin wile reedin abot me shuld be eeleagle. At leest a waernin en da awthurz noetz at da toep den. * huegz*
PuterPatty: * heaheahea!-TT's stoerrie!* Whut kloewn? Whut baettl? ~Nevermind, dear-go on ~ Hoew abot reegleeng? U waent me reegleeng tu, rite? *reeglz fur PP * Shuet uep, Irena. Mebbe dere weel bea a pikshur of my grean owtfiet. . . ? A titeroep an a hiewier ar da saem soert of thaeng, reely. al sez she noewz her joeb at da seerkis wuld bea kleanen uep aftur Laydee Nimrodel. An da elapuntz. An da tiegrzz tu. Hae, meleth? Doen't peench soe haerd! Dat huertz! *snoeg, snoeg, snoeg *
Magical Rachel: al wuz already grae whin I goet hear. She sez it'z bloend sun hilitez if u aesk her doe. *cofffaengurlcoff * Hearz a * hueg* an a * kees* fur u!
Laura: Hae, noew derez sum GUUD ideez!!! Eberybuddie culd bea en my seerkis! Woew! Thaenkz! * bloewz u a kees! *
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hae, al?
Yes, Prance Legolas?
Whur ez eberybuddie?
I don't know, baby. Maybe they are still thinking you are working on your reviews and they have lots of time to type in for their "lub ledderz".
Oeh. . . .Wael, we weel jest suerprize dem, hueh? * eeviel grean*
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Chapter 7 Let the Soap Opera Begin
Wednesday morning I wake up with a backache. Thinking I must have slept wrong, I try moving around and walking through the house, trying to stretch it out. It's a vague sort of pain happening only on the right side.
Legolas is already parked in front of the TV, watching his beloved "Pee Bea Ess." The strains of the Cookie Monster singing, "C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me," accompanied by fine elven tenor wafts through the den, mixed with the occasional sounds of crunching as he absentmindedly chews his Rice Chex straight from the box.
"Good morning, Prance," I say halfheartedly as I head for the microwave to heat up my heating pad.
"Moernin," he mumbles through a mouthful of cereal, never taking his eyes from the TV screen.
Ten minutes later, my backache is increasing despite the stretching and the heat, increasing to the point I am really beginning to . . .not feel so hot.
In another five minutes, I am on my knees worshipping the porcelain god in the bathroom. The right side of my back feels like some big Uruk-hai is squashing it in some medieval torture device, and he's laughing while he does it. I cannot stop the long, low moan that escapes my lips.
In the den, a fine pair of pointed elven ears picks up the sounds of distress over Kermit the Frog and the steel drum rhythm of "Caribbean Amphibian". His curious face appears in the doorway, his head cocked to one side.
"al?" he asks softly. "U okae?"
"Get the phone for me," I manage to gasp before throwing up again. He darts down the hallway, reappearing momentarily with phone in hand. I dial the number to Yes Dear's office and quickly hand the phone back to the Prance as another huge wave of nausea hits me. I hear his frantic voice shouting into the phone, "Sumpthaeng iz roeng wid al! Coem hoem kwik!" as my world fades to black. . . .
When I come to, there's a cold wet washcloth on my forehead and a long fingered hand is patting my cheek. The pain is so bad now I can't get up from where I am on the floor.
"al?" he calls, his voice full of worry. "Whut'z roeng, al? Whut iz da maettr?"
"Legolas," I gasp, "can you help me get up off this floor?"
He lifts me carefully in his arms and carries me to Yes Dear's recliner chair in the den. Depositing me gently in the seat, he kneels beside me and softly strokes my arm. "Whut due I due, al? Hoew kin I healp u?"
"Help me push the chair back and put my feet up," I grit through clenched teeth, feeling lightheaded again. "And can you empty the bathroom trash can and bring it to me, quick?"
By now the tears are threatening to fall and I am hurting bad enough I couldn't stay still if all of Haldir's Lothlorien army were drawing arrows on me at the same time. As I writhe in agony, I am aware Yes Dear's car has arrived only because Legolas leaps up from his position at my side and bolts to open the door. As he pulls Yes Dear through the doorway, I hear my better half ask, "What happened?"
Coming around the corner of the kitchen to catch a glimpse of me is all Yes Dear needs to tell him exactly what is going on. We've been here before, many, many times.
Legolas whispers intently to him, "An eeveel whizrd muest hav kaest a spael oen her. I hav neber sean einthaeng like dis beafoar."
Yes Dear's quick, not to mention experienced, and in the time it takes Legolas to make his report, Yes Dear's already at the diagnosis. "Ahhhh, another kidney stone, I see."
"Oh yeah, baby," I squeak out.
Two quick phone calls later and Yes Dear is warming up the car, preparing to take me to the Emergency Room of our local county hospital. Climbing out of the recliner, the pain intensifies even more and I find I cannot stand up to walk. Yes Dear moves to catch my arm to support me, but Legolas is having none of that.
"I goet her," he tells Yes Dear. "U git dat doar." As Yes Dear grabs the plastic trash can I am waving desperately for, Legolas scoops me up in his arms and rushes to the car. He buckles me into the front passenger seat and leaps in the back.
"Due u hav a heeler?" he asks Yes Dear.
"That's where we're going," Yes Dear answers him.
Legolas croons softly to me, wipes my face with the washcloth, and passes me tissues on which to dry my tears and blow my nose. He's stretched himself forward as far as his seatbelt will allow. Yes Dear drives down the country backroads as fast as he dares to go. I just cry and moan and rock forward and back, holding my right flank and making a noise that vaguely sounds like the siren of an EMS truck. I think what a good thing it is that Little Pip is already at school and missing this show.
By the time Yes Dear drops Legolas and me off at the emergency entrance, the pain has subsided slightly; enough that I can walk if I stay hunched over. I clutch the trash can to my chest, wondering if the various shades of green I am feeling are actually visible on my skin. The ER secretary takes one look at me and calls for the triage nurse to come to the waiting room. As the nurse motions for me to follow her to the admitting room, Legolas plasters himself to my right side, not about to be left behind.
"Sir? Sir?" calls the secretary. "You'll need to fill out this paperwork!" I realize she is talking to Legolas, and heaven forbid if anyone tries to decipher his spelling, I'll be having a brain tumor removed or something.
"Legolas," I say, "go get Yes Dear."
"I em NOET leevin u." It is a statement of fact. There is no point in arguing with that particular elven tone of voice.
Just then, Yes Dear walks through the ER doors and assesses the situation. "I'm with her," he says to the secretary. To her puzzled look he adds, "Here's her insurance card."
With the secretary thus satisfied, Legolas is allowed to accompany me to the admitting room. The nurse has me sit in a chair with the Prance standing beside me on my right. She begins to write on the paper attached to a clipboard sitting there on the counter top.
"What brings you here to our ER today?" she asks me.
Before I can answer, the Prance announces, "U sea, dis eeveel whizard . . . "
"I think I'm having a kidney stone," I cut in. Legolas gives me the Thranduil eyebrow.
"I take it this is not your first?" the nurse asks me. She cuts her eyes to the Prance, giving him a little smile out of the corner of her mouth. He smiles back.
"No," I answer. "I have had them since I was a teenager, off and on every couple of years."
She writes that down on her clipboard. Legolas is looking around the room now, surveying all the varied pieces of equipment.
The nurse sticks a thermometer under my tongue. While it registers, she wraps a blood pressure cuff around my left upper arm and pushes the button so that it will inflate. Legolas is all eyes at this point.
"Whut's dat?" he asks. This is when I realize I have neglected to tell him not to ask questions, for fear he will draw attention to himself by showing he is not familiar with the basics of good healthcare. Face it, even most human children recognize a BP cuff and a thermometer when they see one. All of this is brand new stuff to Legolas, and mighty interesting stuff on top of that.
"This is a blood pressure cuff," the nurse replies with a sweet smile that is certainly not wasted on the Prance. "It tells me about how your wife's heart is doing."
"She'z noet my wief," comes from the Prance at the same time something sounding like, "I'm nod hez whief," emits from my own lips around the thermometer. Legolas giggles.
"Oh," the nurse replies with a frown.
"I liv wid her," corrects the Prance. Somehow things are NOT getting better with that particular clarification.
Yes Dear takes this opportunity to walk through the door, and says pointedly to the nurse, "I'm her husband."
Oh yeah, baby. (c al) Things are clear as glass now, aren't they?
The BP cuff deflates at the same time the thermometer beeps. The nurse takes both from me and records the numbers on her little clipboard.
"Come with me," she says.
We follow her into the Emergency Room to a large central desk. She picks up a little cup in a plastic wrapper and hands it to me. "Get me a sample, could you?" she asks, pointing to the door of the restroom behind me.
As I go in and turn to shut the door, Legolas crowds in with me. "No, baby," I tell him, "I can do this by myself."
"I doen't waent tu leeve u, al," he says. "U shuldn't bea aloen."
I smile reassuringly at him. "You can stand outside and guard the door for me, ok? If you do that, I promise not to lock it. Then you can get in if I need to call you for help."
He frowns at this, then quickly assesses the room to see there are no other ways to get in or out. Verifying things seem safe enough to suit him, he nods to me and steps back outside.
When I come out, he turns his nose up at the contents of my little plastic cup. "I hoep u waeshd ur haendz," he scolds me.
The nurse then escorts us to a curtained room with a stretcher and a single chair. Yes Dear commandeers the chair in a quick hurry. He's done this before, and knows to claim the chair before it gets moved out of the way. Legolas stands at my side, uncertain of what to do.
"Come sit with me, Prance," I say, patting the bed beside me as I sit down. He carefully boosts himself up to perch at my side, his hip touching mine. It's as if he is afraid if he loses physical contact with me, all hope for my recovery is lost.
The doctor, a burly dude dressed in blue scrubs, steps in and introduces himself. "Hello, I'm Dr. King, the emergency attending today. I understand you're having back pain?"
He asks for a brief rundown of my history, and watches me squirm in pain while I give him the details that seem pertinent. Legolas sits stock still at my side. Yes Dear throws in a detail or two; heck, most times he's more capable of remembering the details at this stage than I am.
"Well," says Dr. King, "you know the drill then. Let's get you started on something for pain and nausea and then we'll get an X-ray, ok?" He smiles kindly.
"Okae!" pitches in the Prance.
"Not for you, dummy," says Yes Dear from his chair in the corner.
"I noe it'z noet fur me," Legolas answers with a scowl. "It'z fur al. She neadz tu feal bedder."
A new nurse comes in, identifying herself as Wanda. She's carrying a basket with IV supplies in it. "Which one of you gets the IV?" she teases.
Feeling better at the thought of good pain medicine, I dredge up a bit of my normal playfulness long enough to hop down from my seat on the stretcher, leaving Legolas sitting there in the hot seat. This elicits a roar of laughter from Wanda.
"Whut?" asks the Prance. When Wanda pulls a rather mean looking needle out of her basket, the Prance realizes he's been had, and scrambles backward off the stretcher, almost landing in Yes Dear's lap.
"Good one, al," says Yes Dear.
"Thanks," I reply.
"Whut?" asks the Prance. "I em noet gittin DAT!"
"Oh, alright, you chickens," I say, working my way back onto the stretcher and laying down, "I'll take it."
"Men," mutters Wanda with a smile as she ties the tourniquet above my elbow. Legolas watches her intently from the safety of the other side of the bed. When she slides the needle into my vein, he looks quickly away with a grimace and shudders. He peeps back slowly, his face a bit paler than before, even for an elf.
The nurse tapes the assembly to my arm so I won't bump it and then excuses herself briefly, leaving the three of us alone. Yes Dear has already gathered a handful of magazines from the waiting room, and is happily perusing "Sports Illustrated" and "Golf". Legolas stands at my side, protecting me from whatever danger his mind can conjure up next.
When the nurse reappears, she has what I have been waiting for all along. Drugs. Good Drugs. The kind your mother tells you to "Just Say No!" to, except if you are having a kidney stone and the doctor says it's ok. She pulls the cap off the needle, and I see Legolas go another shade paler.
I reach out and take his hand. "It's ok, she's not going to stick me with that," I tell him.
She nods and smiles as she puts the medicine into the IV catheter tube that is in my vein near my elbow. "That's the one for the pain," she says, "and this one is to help you stop feeling like you're going to throw up." She moves to put the railings up on each side of the bed, so I won't fall if I turn over.
In a few minutes, I am feeling pretty sleepy. I can see a clock on the wall through a little crack where Wanda has left the curtain open so she can peek in on me through the crack as she passes by without coming in and waking me up. I close my eyes for just a second, just a blink really, and when I open them to look at the clock again, 30 minutes have passed. Yes Dear is still reading in the corner. Legolas is still standing at my side.
"Would you like to sit up here by me?" I ask the Prance. He nods. He starts to climb over the rail, but decides that looks a little undignified and hesitates. Wanda sees his distress through the crack in the curtain and comes in to show him how to lower it.
"Remember, if you decide to stand back up, you have to put this back in place, ok?" she reminds him.
"Okae," he answers.
We stay like that, the three of us, for what seems like a long time. Suddenly there is a flurry of movement outside the curtain, and a woman dressed in a scrub top with teddy bears dancing on it enters.
"Time to take you to X-ray," she says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lub Ledders frum Legolas:
al sez tu uael u all "Thaenkz!" fur all da nise theengz u sae tu her. She wuld noet traed her lief fur enibuddeez fur enithaeng, at leest dat iz whu she sez. She sez she lubz u all!
Sarwolfe Snape: * huegz u bak* I tried tu bea az shienin az Laedee Elbereth. It wuz loetz of fuen!
Nilmandra: Mithrandir wuz a Maertie-Stew? BAWAHAEHAEHAE!!! Pearfkit? I em noet alwaez pearfikt. I weel trie tu bea pearfekt if u waent me tu whin I git tu #7. Hear iz my faevurite geeft tu u * deap loeng kees wid a taest of hunniesuekl oen da sied*
Fadesintothewest: Titeroep waelkin iz aloet like croessin da Celebrant. Dat grean owtfiet fealt perty guud, buet da puerpil Tea-shert iz wae tu smaell reely. I em goen tu keap it beecuz it haz Laedee Nimrodel'z pikshur oen it. *huegz *
Aranel: I em soe glaed u cawt uep! * paetz coeld warshkloeth oen ur haed* All bedder noew?? Thaenkz fur joynin us. * bloewz a kees bak tu u!* U deedn't sea dat, deed u Matt??
Dragon-of-the-north: Titeroepz AR like treabraenchiz en Mirkwuud! I hav haed loetz of praktise. Mebbe TreeHugger weel sumdae draew a pikshur of da grean owtfiet fur eberybuddie. I em seandeeng a *beeg, beeg hueg * to u - iz dat okae??
dawtheminstrel: *skweeze *U noe, I shuld hav askd al abot leten Laedee Nimrodel coem tu liv wid us. She wuld mees da peeple klaeppin fur her tho I theenk. An der titez, I tael u! Tities!
Lady Silence: Bea karful, u'll speel ur meelk! An u mite droep ur kuukie tu! Dat wuld bea BAED! I em glaed u like my haet. Moer haetz tu coem! * kees fu u!*
Katani Petitendra: Dat caenon maen gaev me tiem tu git my hare drie. Pluez al sez she toel dat paert fur all da dye haerd Tolkien canon faenz soe dey kin sae I em foelloweeng canon! BAWAEHAEHAE!!! * smuuch*
Ms November Tuesday: TUESDAY!!! It'z U! *kees * I em wiekied, arnt I?? *weenkz * Hoersebak riedin souwndz like a loet of fuen. An I proemiss, No leezird eereengz! *hears an eggstra kees fur u-KEES! *
Michelle: * huegz tu u tu!* I em glaed u ar okae. Mebbe u need sum titeroep laessinz??
Fallohide Pride: I em guud at loetz of thaengz. I hav haed a loet of tiem tu praktise. Dat'z whut haeppinz whin u are immoral! * keesiz tu u tu!*
JastaElf: *THUD * Hi Jasta, al here. You know, I really thought eventually he would develop a tolerance to being called "My Little Honeybun of Elven Love" but I don't know in immortal yeats how long that takes. Ahhh, her he comes 'round now. . . . Hae Jaesta, Hae Ada. *Haengz haed an blueshiz * Soerrie I hav bean soe muech truble laetlee. I em glaed Celeb Baud iz bak whur it bealonengz. *A KEES??? * ***THUD***
Blume: Oeh yaeh, baybee! (c Legolas) I stae en truble all da tiem. * kueddlz u* Noew Bea guud!
Newmoon: * kin't breeth, kin't breethe! * Wheaw! U shur ar eggsited, aren't u?? I lub Hairy Poeddir. LP duz tu, she iz da won wnoe toeld me abot heem. *skweeziz u geantlee! *
Sperry Dee: I bet Chaerlie iz gittin beegur eberydae noew. Hav u peekd eni baebee naemz yaet? Hoers Kaemp souwndz like fuen! * huegz*
Astrid Tinuvial: My Adar alwaez toel me, "U noe, Leedle Greenleaf, if u kaen't bea powliet, doen't bea nuthin at all." Thaenk u fur da choklit baer. I oeffird sum to al, jest tu bea powliet, buet she wuz powliet tu an sed "Noe thaenk u." * cueddlz u *
The Whisperer: Oeh, I lub dat Beeg hueg an kees! I em trien tu taek guud kaer of al. Hearz a * beeg hueg an kees* bak atcha, baybee!
leail: LEAIL! I KIN'T HAELP MISEF!! LEAIL! LEAIL! * daensiz gleafuellie* I lub da wae u lub me, baybee. . . !! HAE PP, HAE IRENA!! LUUK OBER DERE-DAT PIERIT WHOE THAENKZ HE IZ ME IZ KOEMIN!!!! (Kwik, kees me wile dey ar luukin ober der, leail! *SNOGG! *)
anna: I theenk eberybuddie likez dat titeroep koestuem. Mebbie I weel sea if al kin bie me won at Waelmaert. . . . * hueg*
TreeHugger: I lub da seerkis! An noew I lub kloewnz tu! It jest goez tu shoew u dat u muest keap an oepin miend an bea braev abot eberythaeng. U souwnd like u mite hav bean wurried ursef abot me oen da titeroep? Oer wuz it dat u deedn't waent tu sea al trie tu eggsplayn whie I wuz waerin paentiehoze tu da EMS guyz? Dere Titez, I tael u!! Sae Hae tu Meestr Ron an Emma an Nate Bueddie-he ez soe braev! I em prowd of u, Nate!! *Huegz *
Lady Peredhel: I wuld bea glaed tu puet dat shert bak oen fur u, buet u jest keap ur rite aerm fur writin moer, okae?? U kin bea da "Keapur of Legolas' Keez oen da cheak" if I kin be da "Luer of Legolas" ! MMMmmm. . . .dose Italeen keesez AR guud! *smuuch *
Mickie: al fownd da NASCAR baendaedz at Waelmaert en a grean boez. I bet u ar haeppie wid da NASCAR newz laetlee, arn't u??!! Thaenkz fur da Doev hartz an keesez! * snuegglz*
Vladimirz Anger: U like da grean kostuem tu, hueh? Whur due u goe whin u goe awae?? * kees fur u*
The Two Princesses: * waevz!* Iz M okae noew? I em beean vary guud fur al. I hoep ur searvr iz gittin bedder, mebbe u shuld puet uep a haelp waentid sine an due sum eenturveewz. Hearz sum moer keesiz an Huegz! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Holly: * blueshz* Thaenkz! I thaenk I wuz steel tu weat frum da soepfite tu bea a kaenonbaell. * bee hueg an kees fur u!*
Cara6 & Andy8: Oeh, goesh, al -luuk whoe I fugoet laest tiem!!! I em soe soerrie!! Wealkum! * waevz* Choklit iz my faevurit fuud. I like peetza tu, wid eberytheng oen it. I em glaed u like my stoeree soe muech. Duz ur Moem souwnd bedder noew whin she perteandz tu bea me? * weeknz* U guyz lubd da titeroep tu, hueh?? I kin due dat titeroep thaeng oen treabraenchiz tu. Coemz en haendee whin eggscapeing Orkz an Gobblinz. Won dae I will trie dat byseekle, buet oen da grownd wid sum traenin weelz furst. Kin u ried a biek? Kin u teech me? Hearz sum * huegz* fur Cara6 an a *haendshaek * fur Andy8!
Dunrosiel: Eeting an dreenkin wile reedin abot me shuld be eeleagle. At leest a waernin en da awthurz noetz at da toep den. * huegz*
PuterPatty: * heaheahea!-TT's stoerrie!* Whut kloewn? Whut baettl? ~Nevermind, dear-go on ~ Hoew abot reegleeng? U waent me reegleeng tu, rite? *reeglz fur PP * Shuet uep, Irena. Mebbe dere weel bea a pikshur of my grean owtfiet. . . ? A titeroep an a hiewier ar da saem soert of thaeng, reely. al sez she noewz her joeb at da seerkis wuld bea kleanen uep aftur Laydee Nimrodel. An da elapuntz. An da tiegrzz tu. Hae, meleth? Doen't peench soe haerd! Dat huertz! *snoeg, snoeg, snoeg *
Magical Rachel: al wuz already grae whin I goet hear. She sez it'z bloend sun hilitez if u aesk her doe. *cofffaengurlcoff * Hearz a * hueg* an a * kees* fur u!
Laura: Hae, noew derez sum GUUD ideez!!! Eberybuddie culd bea en my seerkis! Woew! Thaenkz! * bloewz u a kees! *
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hae, al?
Yes, Prance Legolas?
Whur ez eberybuddie?
I don't know, baby. Maybe they are still thinking you are working on your reviews and they have lots of time to type in for their "lub ledderz".
Oeh. . . .Wael, we weel jest suerprize dem, hueh? * eeviel grean*