A/N: A big thank you to everyone who has sent well wishes for my quick
recovery. All the hugs and love have been greatly appreciated. I also
greatly appreciate all of your feedback and comments, as well as the love
and hugs and kisses you all share with the Prance. He was soooo terribly
excited when the review counter turned over 450 just before this chapter
posted. Feeling incredibly loved is his specialty, I think (aside from
being able to do a back flip from a standing frozen-still position, that
is).
I'll do the disclaimer thing again, since I need to do that every few chapters or so: I don't own him, he belongs to himself, and I receive absobloodylutely no money or profit of any kind from the writings herewith, except of course the sheer fun of having known him firsthand and on a daily basis.
And last but not least, thank you this special time to leailelf for beta'ing this one for me. See, I told you I could wait.
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Chapter 11 The Sound of Silence
The drive home passes by in complete silence. I know he's still blaming himself, but he adamantly refused to listen to any explanation of blood pressure and how it works from either the nurse or me. He insisted until the car door shut that my elevated situation is totally a byproduct of his own doing. Since the click of the seat belt, he has maintained his silence on the passenger side and I have finally complied with his wishes and left him alone to brood.
The moment we're in the door he picks up Princess Elizabeth from her sunlit spot in the front bay window, whisking her off to his bedroom. I hear the gentle 'click' of the lock as it engages. The Prance chooses to Not Be Disturbed.
I reach for the phone to tell Yes Dear of the schedule changes. He's a bit surprised but not shocked. High blood pressure runs in my family, and I've been borderline for a little while now. Calls are also made to reschedule everything I had cancelled for the first of next week. While I'm on the phone, my ears register the sound of a bedroom door opening, followed by the sound of the back door swinging open and then shut.
The Prance has gone outside. I think. Sometimes I wonder if it's an inherited trait to believe the world revolves around you, or if they teach that in elf kindergarten.
He still hasn't come back by the time I need to leave to pick Lil' Pip up from school. I try calling him but he doesn't answer and he doesn't show up either. I leave a note for him taped to the glass of the back door telling him where I've gone and that I'll be back soon. It's still taped in place when I get back.
Thinking he's probably gone for a long walk, I go on with my afternoon chores, bringing the laundry in from the clothesline and getting something out to defrost for supper. It isn't until Yes Dear gets home from work that I realize how long he's really been gone.
Over six hours.
I try calling him again, beginning to wonder if he's intentionally ignoring me for some reason. He wasn't angry before, at least I didn't think so. More like dejected, sad, maybe even burdened.
Or guilty.
Now I'm starting to worry. I spend a few minutes telling Yes Dear what transpired at the hospital, and he too becomes concerned.
That's about the time we decide to call in the cavalry. I pick up the phone.
"Hello, Janet?" I say to my next door neighbor when she picks up. "Legolas isn't over there poking around in your flowerbeds, is he?"
"Hello, Teresa? Would you mind looking outside and see if Legolas is swimming in your pool again?"
"Hello, Tommy? You aren't getting a little free slave labor on that new riding lawnmower of yours right now, are you?"
Nobody's seen him.
No one is missing a car either, which is another good thing since Legolas doesn't have a driver's license. He's watched me drive plenty of times, and with his penchant for perfection could probably do it well the first time he tried.
Right now about a dozen families are on the lookout for him, but an elf who doesn't want to be found can be quite formidable. If I find out he's playing a trick of some sorts on me, I'm gonna have a stroke.
Just kidding.
About the time I've rung everybody on the block, the phone goes off in my hand. It's Lisa who lives in the second house from the front of the subdivision. "I heard you lost something, "she teases.
"I did. . . at least I THINK I may have," I answer. "Have you seen Legolas this afternoon?"
"I hate to tell you this, but Clay just called and said he waved to him this afternoon; it would have been about 4:30."
I think.
"Clay was coming back from Greenwood and passed him walking along the side of the road."
Oh. Right. So that's NOT good news.
She continues, "He was right near the lake, just past the sub sandwich shop there."
That's almost twenty miles from home. He's not just wandering about in the woods talking to the trees. He's not tending the flowerbeds or the lawn next door, or doing a baelliefloep in the pool up the street.
Legolas is running away from home.
Thanking Lisa for calling, I hastily hang up and grab my car keys and book bag. Yes Dear hollers at Lil' Pip to get in the car, and in a matter of minutes we're on our way to Greenwood.
We take the main highway, watching carefully once we pass the sub sandwich place and then the lake. If he's been able to keep up the pace he set before Clay spotted him, he could easily have made it to the Greenwood city limit by now.
"Where should we try first?" I ask my logical-thinking husband.
"The only places he's familiar with really are the theater, the police station, the Chick-fil-A, and the Red Lobster," muses Yes Dear.
Great. Three places you can get food, and one where you get to go when you don't have money to pay for the food you've gotten. We learned THAT before.
We stop at all four places, beginning at the Red Lobster since it's the closest. He likes to go there to see the big tank. We haven't told him it's not a regular aquarium like the ones in Wal-Mart.
We describe him to the maitre d', who is positive she hasn't seated anyone matching his description tonight.
The Chick-fil-A staff haven't served anyone that looks like him at the drive through or walk up windows either. We head down to the theater, where the young lady at the ticket window takes one look at my hair and exclaims, "You know, your hair looks a lot like the blond wig that elf-guy from 'The Lord of the Rings' was wearing."
"Have you seen him?" I ask her, thinking we've found him at last.
"Of course!" she exclaims. "I've seen 'The Fellowship of the Ring' seven times now and 'The Two Towers' four times, but I should beat my old record by the time it goes to video," she brags.
"Shuddup, al," mumbles Yes Dear, never breaking his smile.
(Author's note: *coff 24 times for FOTR / 17 for TTT coff*)
"He's sooooo HOT. . . ," she whispers, winking at me.
"Who, him?" I ask, hooking my thumb in Yes Dear's direction.
"No! The elf-guy!" she scoffs.
Of course.
"Have you seen anyone who looks like him today, wearing jeans instead of leggings?" asks Yes Dear.
"Jeans? You mean tights?" she asks.
" 'Dere not tighdts, dere leggings!' " quotes Lil' Pip in perfect mocking imitation of the Prance.
"Who talks just like that?" I ask, pointing at Lil' Pip.
She thinks about it for a second - at least she pauses as if she's thinking. Maybe she's actually considering whether to call the cops or the psychiatric warden.
"No. I haven't seen anyone who looks like the elf-guy wearing jeans who talks like 'dat' today," she concludes.
We move on to the police station. No one's seen Legolas there either, and it's too early to fill out a missing person - er, missing elf - report. While we're standing at the desk, Officer Pendleton comes in to greet us.
"You know, we COULD put out a BOLO on him," he says to the desk clerk.
"Mama, what's a BOLO?" says Lil' Pip. "Can I have one too?"
Officer Pendleton guffaws loudly. "A BOLO, my dear lass," he chortles, "is a warning notice for all officers to 'Be On the Lookout'. It tells the officers on the streets to watch for someone who isn't really a 'normal' missing person."
'Normal'. Right.
"Don't you put out a BOLO on bank robbers, and kidnappers, and other kinds of bad guys?" asks Yes Dear.
"Most of the time that's how it works," answers Officer Pendleton. "I think this time we could make an exception."
Soon Officer Pendleton has gotten a fair description of Legolas and his latest fashion trend. When we left the house this morning for the hospital (seems like a year ago now), he was wearing black jeans and a USC Gamecocks t-shirt, black with garnet and white of course, and white Nike tennis shoes. I say a prayer of thanks he's not wearing the Viagra racing cap this time. I'm also sure to point out he's six foot tall.
"Now we wait," Officer Pendleton says to me with a grandfatherly pat on my knee.
And wait we do. A couple of hours pass by, and there's been no report of a sighting at all. As midnight approaches, I'm starting to panic.
That's when the call comes in. "Come on," says Officer Pendleton.
The three of us pile in to the backseat of his patrol car - me in the middle and Lil' Pip and Yes Dear on the sides.
"Can you turn on the blue lights and the siren?" asks Lil' Pip.
"Well, I CAN. . . ," starts Officer Pendleton, but I cut him off.
"NO! You'll scare him!" I shout.
". . . but normally we don't," he finishes with a smile and a wink at me. "Relax, Mom," he assures me. "He'll be ok. We'll find him."
We pull up to a dimly lit brick building with several people hanging around under the single light by the doorway. The Greyhound Bus Station. Inside it's as different as night and day. The place is fairly old, but the lobby is painted a warm and inviting yellow color. Bright multicolored chairs sit along the walls, holding a few patrons awaiting their tickets to fame and fortune. In the farthest corner, sitting in a chair with head down and elbows on knees, sits someone who looks like he's lost everything. In his hands he holds an envelope, not the business letter kind but one that would hold a personal message, like a Birthday card or a Thank You note. The envelope is worn a bit, probably from being lovingly considered many, many times. It's white, more square than oblong really, with an American flag stamp in the top right hand corner. The address is written there in green ink - feminine writing with lots of embellishments to the lettering.
He sighs, and as he does so he turns the envelope over, staring now at the oval sealing sticker illustration of a fat little blue bird sitting on a rock amongst two sprigs of lavender growing in a meadow somewhere. A worried look passes over his handsome face like a dark cloud.
He's not wearing garnet and black at all, but has dressed in his green jerkin, silver tunic, gray-blue leggings, and soft brown boots. Bow and quiver of arrows lie beside him on the adjoining chair. If he had been stark naked I would have recognized him from just that envelope alone. It's his most prized possession, the most valuable thing he has on 'Modren- erth'.
The bow and quiver of arrows can be replaced. A seamstress could with some luck duplicate the elaborate embroidery of his leather jerkin and boots. This envelope is not replaceable. There is no other like it in all of Modern-earth, just as there are none like her.
It's his love letter from PuterPatty, his #1 fan, the keeper of the #1 ticket, her address clearly printed there in the top left-hand front corner.
Legolas is leaving me.
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Lub Ledders from Legolas
Lil' Pip: I kin't beeleeve u tole eberybuddie abot dat Legolas akshun feegur oen da Internaet. At leest u deedn't giv dem da leenk. . . .You mean the one that looks like a Barbie doll at http: // cgi. ebay .com /ws/ eBay ISAPI .dll? ViewItem & item = 2935224237 , Legolas?. . . .Yaeh, al, dat'z da won . . . HAE!! *groewlz*
daw the minstrel: Smeagol wuz rite abot sumptin. He alwaez uzed tu sae, "if we bea nise tu dem, dey bea nise tu us." Or sumptin like dat. Aniwae, I theenk we hav da nisest hoespeetle en da world. An da pertiest nuersez tu. Jest bea ursef eberyware u goe. Dat'z whut I due. *bloewz u a kees*
SarWolfe Snape: Coed Raed! MMMmmmm. . . I seam tu hav fraendz eberyware I goe. Yeas Deer haz bean teezin me abot getten a joeb doeng hare doewn at da beeutee paerlur. Due u waent me tu maek u an apoentmint? *pikz up pancil an skedjule buuk*
Chan: al!! *luukz at baellie* Luuk whut she deed!! *poyntz at baellie* Dere'z a deant en my baellie whur Chan poeked me! Luuk!! *al peers at the place Legolas is pointing to* That's your bellybutton, Prance. Everybody's got one. *Luukz agin* Oeh. . . nebermiend. *Huegz u bak*
IRENA: OEH YAEH, BAYBEE!! (c Legolas) I goet a duk, sum of Yaes Deerz cueffleenkz, a paer of waedrz, tu caerdbowrd tuebz frum da toelit paepur, a spuun an a boewl, a caen of 10W40, a baeg of saewduest, sum eer pluegz, and a buempur heetch fur a 1974 Ford Maeverik. Da maen at da awto paertz stoer deedn't hav won fur a 1975, buet whin I eggsplayned whut I neaded it fur he sed a 1974 wuld due jest fien. Da oenlee thaeng I deedn't uendurstaend wuz whut in da hek iz da blaendur fur? Kin haerdlee wate fur ur arrivel. I proemiss noet tu taell PP. . . . Huerrie tho, she haz elf eerz, u noe. *leekz leepz an groewlz*
PuterPatty: Whut due u meen "*letz u keez me*"? I steel goet a krik en my nek frum dat haedlok u haed me en. Bea kaerful, u weel maess up my hare! Dis hoel thaeng IZ all my fawlt. If I haedn't coem aloeng, al wuld jest bea goen abot her bizness, drievin Leedle Peep arond an cuukin an kleenin fur Yaes Deer. *whakz Yaes Deer fur laffin teel he choekz* If I haelp u wid dat lauendree, kin I ried whin da speen sykle iz oen? Puhleeze? Doen't luuk at whut I rote tu Irena. . . . I deedn't meen a wurd of it. *kueddlz up tu ur sied an ruenz my feengur dere. . . den deepz u fur a loeng kees* I'm coemin, baybee!!
Nilmandra: Uehhh. . . dey seant us hoem. Wuz dat okae? Deed I due da rite thaeng? Shuld I hav maed al staey? Shuld I hav askd tu sea dat doktur? Shuld I hav bean da won tu driev al hoem? I neber drove beafoer, buet I hav wachd aloet. . . .. Dis hoel thaeng IZ all my fawlt. I jest kin't git it rite. I thaenk I nead anuthr of ur maesagiz an keesiz. Buet whie deed u goe duenk en da reevir? I wulda skootid ober. . . . *puellz u entu my aermz fur anuthr of ur keesiz*
SperryDee: Oeh, da Naz-Buenniz ar soe kuute!! Iz dis won me? *poyntz* I baet dey meesd u wile u wear goen tu caemp. I baet ur mom meesd u moer dan dey deed. Deed dey groew wile u wear goen? I wanna heer all abot caemp, okae? *huegz u an Charlie an da baybeez*
Lady Silence: Oew! Oew! *juempz an ruenz around wid haendz coevereeng misef* Oew! al, dat huertz! It's a nerf bat, Legolas, and I'm only chasing you, I haven't even touched you with it. . . YET! *cackles evilly like the true witch I am* Alright, I'll stop. Come finish your cakes. *watches as the Prance stuffs himself once again with Lemon cake and Bavarian Chocolate cake* Hannon le, Lady Silence! *graebz u fur a kwik hueg beafoar al gitz dat baet owt agin*
Michelle: *takez choklit, likz around da owtsied, poepz entu mouf an chewz sloelee* MMmmm. . . . al iz tryen tu wurk owt a wae fur me tu goe tu Deeznee Wurld. I reely waenna reid dat Pierit ried. *snuegglz u*
lotrmatrixstarwarsfan: Luuk, al! Dere'z anuthr neu faengurl! *waevz* Hannon le fur all da woendurful thaengz u saed. Noe, I em noet canonical-we doen't hav caennonz whur I coem frum en Meedle-erth. *seandz u a kees aer-male*
The Karenator: U deedn't sea dat, reemembur? I doen't miend seain da bluud, it'z da neadlz dat git tu me. U goet me a Gaemkokz t-shurt AN a paess tu da loekr ruum?? WOEW!!! I wuld maek a guud cheekin, I theenk. *daensiz da Cheekin daense fur u tu bea da juedge of dat*
TreeHugger: I doen't eet like dat ebery dae, jest threa oer foar tiemz a weak at da moest. al sez she payses cuz it huertz, noet becuz she'z nearvus. Doen't furgit Leedle Peep-al sez she reely duz hav 3 Stoogiz livin wid her. Tu bea hepful u muest luuk ur baest, an all da laedeez due like tu noe jest hoew al iz duein. Dey weel staend dere an leestin all dae whin I giv da reepoart, den dey ask loetz of kwestshunz I muest anser. PP doez hav da #1 tikit, buet Irena livz muech kloesur. It wuld be an eenturesteeng rase, tu sae da leest. An reemeembur, u deedn't sea dat. Nuthin haeppind. *puetz a raezbaeerie kees on ur cheak*
Lina Skye: Hairy Podder? I haed tu wate fur Yaes Deer an Leedle Peep tu reed it furst, buet it wuz guud whin my tuern fienully caem. I woen't tael Arwen-u kin skeer her bedder dat wae. I lub it whin she skreemz. *seandz u sum Bertie Botts Beenz*
Cate: Hae, Cate! Waelkum! I wuld giv u a tikit, buet PP haz stole da deespencer agin! U kin goe sea her an she weel giv u a tikit tu hav me coem sea u. I wuld lub tu sea Canada, an I haed grean beear fur St. Patrik'z Dae. Dat'z hoew I eandid up wid dat grean haet. Deed u sea it? Seand al ur e-male an she'll seand it tu u, if u waent. *gievz u a beeg hueg fur reedeeng soe pashuntlee*
Newmoon: A baeld eegil? I baet heez haed gitz koeld en da weenturtiem. Sowndz like u haed loetz of fuen! Yeap, thaengz git wurse beafoar dey get bedder alot arond hear. . . . *steelz a kees frum u*
Vladimir'sAngel: *muenciz piezzae* *huegz u* I like ur neu jeenz. If al haed a pare like doze, she culd caerrie sum peenuetbuddr cuepz an kiet kaetz an Hearshey keesiz wid my koemb an my meeror an my brush an my tufpaest an. . . . Don't get any ideas there, lover boy. We'll get you a pair and you can carry MY stuff around, got it??
Lady Peredhel: *daensiz wid u* Eggzamz ar dun! Eggzamz ar dun! Noew LP kin have sum fuen! Whoooeee Hoooeeee! (c Celeborn) It'z haerd noet tu luuk at u whin u ar waerin DAT! I theenk my bluud praesshur iz goen up tu. . . .*haedz fur da koeld shower*
MagicalRachel: al iz deafinetlee a Maerie Suew. If u liv en England, due u noe dat guey whoe pertindz he iz me? Duz he shoep at da saem maerkit az u? Sea if he puetz M&M'z en heez kaert nekz tiem he'z dere, okae?? *snuegglz u tu keap u waerm en England dere*
Laura: Noebueddie saew dat, I'm shur. I goet tu eet 3 leedle tumadoez dis weak, an dere ar 3 owt dere dat weel be beeg enuf tu sliece entu a tumadoe saendwitch bie tumoerrow! Dat'z whut I'm wading fur! *likz leepz en antisipashun, den gievz u a leedle kees whin u ar noet luukin*
Lady in Red: *duz da taengo, den da chae chae, den da macaroni* She sez I em her faevurit, al!! Oeh boey! Waelkum, Lady in Red! *bloewz u a kees*
Holly :o) : We goet tuu muech rayne noew tuu! I stoepd duein da rayne daense a wile agoe. I deed eanjoey plaein en all da pueddlz, tho. *smuuuch*
JastaElf: Ahhhh Jasta, not just once, but this time you got him TWICE!! *fans the 'little honeybun of love' before finally resorting to tossing a full glass of water in his general direction* Ahhh! There you are, Jasta's 'sweet little Elven honey. . . . Nevermind that, just get up here and finish, ok? *draegz sef entu chaer* Whur wuz I? *staertz tu reed owt lowd agin. . . .* Frum Jasta. . . "YAY. . . I deedn't git a lub ledder. . . leedle elbin hunneybun . . . *THUD* Darnit, Jasta, there he goes again. . . .
Katani Petitedra: Graep jaelloe? Jest a pikshur, noet da reel thaeng? Woew, u muest bea az guellable az I em. *huegz u*
Skye Rocket: I em soe glaed u lub it!! *daensis wid u*
IM: Leedle Peep sez she iz prowd dat a keetie haz bean naemd aftur her, an waentz tu noe if it'z a gurl oer a boey keetie. She hoepz it'z a gurl kat. I em soe glaed u seant me a lub ledder! *huegz u tite, den plaentz a kees oen ur cheak*
Space-Case 7029: Yaeh, Kevin! I lub tu wach dose karz raese arond dat trak, doen't u? Won dae I em goenna driev won of dose karz, hoew abot u? *snuegglz u*
Anon: al noez goessip deert?? Abot me? Woew, I deedn't knoe dat. She deedn't tael abot whut haeppind en da bakseet of da vaen, deed she? I shur hoep noet. Whur deed u goe en Europe? Dat sowndz like fuen. Tael me abot it sumtiem, okae? *Kueddlz u*
leail: LEAIL! LEAIL! LEAIL! LEAIL!! I oenlee eet like dat ebery othur dae or soe. I culdn't due it eberydae. Elves ar like huemminburdz. . .we uze a loet of eanurgee wid owr eberydae aktivateez. I steel kinnot bealeeve al luukz like dat uendur her skeen. Oer oen toep of her skeen, fur dat maettur. Woew. . . .al ez tuff, buet dose neadulz skeer eben a seezond worrier like me. I dunnoe hoew she kin jest siet dere an leat dem puet dat en her. *shueddrz* I nead a hueg *steelz a hueg frum u* Kin I hav a kees tu? *klozez eyez an puekrz uep. . . .*
Cara6: Hoew iz da neu buenk bed en da neu howse? Due u git tu sleap oen da vary toep? U deedn't faell oeff, deed u? Dat sowndz like da flets dat elves en Lothlorien sleap oen. Leat'z salebrate bie duen da macaroni *danses wid u*
ren: I hoep I em duen da rite thaeng tu maek al git bedder. I kin't due enithaeng abot dat stoen, buet I kin git oudda her hare an hep her bluud praeshur. Maebee noew she weel bea okae, due u theenk? *snuegglz uep tu u fur kumfurt*
caranwen: I kin't wate teel I git tu sea dat guey whoe theenkz he iz me bean a pierit! Noew mebbe he weel goe pik oen sumbuddie ealse heez oen aege. *seandz u sum elbin lub*
Angaloth: Dose ar da baest haembergrrz en Modren-erth, I theenk. An da friez, an da piez, an da. . .weel, u noe. U reely deedn't sea enithaeng, deed u? Noebuddie ealse deed. *skweazez u*
Anja: Whur deed u goe? Deed u hav a guud tiem? Weel u tael me all abot it whin u git bak? I mees u alreedy. *beeg hueg I saevd jest fur u*
Threthiel: Hannon le fur da lub ledder, an fur all da nise thaengz u sed abot me. I em glaed u staertid riting tu me. I lub tu here frum u! *huegz u an seandz u a kees*
Arienna: Doen't wurry abot seain whut u deedn't sea en baettil. We doen't hav neadlz en Meedle-erth. Az fur dat kwestshun tu al, she sez it iz tuu eerlee tu theenk abot it. She doezn't waent tu theenk abot dat uenteel at leest Noevembur. *cueddlz*
Aranel: Weel, I waentid it fur. . .I waentid. . .I kin't tael u, al iz wachin me! Doze ar da baest buergrrz I hav eber haed. U wuld like dem tuu. I em shur I culd git ur hare tu brayed. . . I hav haed loetz of praktise. Reemeembur, u deedn't sea a thaeng, rite? *brueshiz my leepz akross ur cheak*
anna: Deed u sea my haet fur da Foarth of Juelye? Heehee! I lub'd da paeraedz, an da saelz at da stoerz, buet da fierwurkz wear a leedle louwd fur my eerz. I liked wachin it oen da TV bedder. *beeg huegz fur u*
The Two Princesses: Hoew iz ur suemmir brake goen? I hoep u ar gettin tu eet loetz of haembuergrz jest like da wonz we hav hear at da hoespeetil. al sez M iz rite abot da fleebotamist. Dat iz sumwon whoe taekz da bluud frum ur vainz. U deedn't sea enithaeng, noew deed u. Noebuddie saew enithaeng, NOEBUDDIE. OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
gershwin: It'z noet da bluud. It'z da neadlz. *shueddrz* I noe jest hoew ur realatiev fealz, eggsept noebuddie haz eber stuk me wid won of dose thaengs. *skweaziz u*
amber 725 aka Stimpy: I weel bea theenkin of u oen ur birfdae az wael az whin u goe tu da hoespitael. I hoep ur hoespitael iz as nise az owrz. *seandz u a spaeshul smuuuuuuch*
Digital Jessie: Jest whin u theenk theengz ar az baed az dey kin git, sumptin ealse haeppinz. U noe, I DUE hav a loet of peepul waelkin arond beehiend me sumtiemz. Fuennie dat u poyntid dat owt. . . .*shaerz sum elf suugur wid u*
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U due sea whie dis iz all my fawlt, doen't u? Rite me kwik! I dunnoe if PuterPatty weel leat me uze her coempuder-I theenk she weel bea keapin me vary bizzie!
I'll do the disclaimer thing again, since I need to do that every few chapters or so: I don't own him, he belongs to himself, and I receive absobloodylutely no money or profit of any kind from the writings herewith, except of course the sheer fun of having known him firsthand and on a daily basis.
And last but not least, thank you this special time to leailelf for beta'ing this one for me. See, I told you I could wait.
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Chapter 11 The Sound of Silence
The drive home passes by in complete silence. I know he's still blaming himself, but he adamantly refused to listen to any explanation of blood pressure and how it works from either the nurse or me. He insisted until the car door shut that my elevated situation is totally a byproduct of his own doing. Since the click of the seat belt, he has maintained his silence on the passenger side and I have finally complied with his wishes and left him alone to brood.
The moment we're in the door he picks up Princess Elizabeth from her sunlit spot in the front bay window, whisking her off to his bedroom. I hear the gentle 'click' of the lock as it engages. The Prance chooses to Not Be Disturbed.
I reach for the phone to tell Yes Dear of the schedule changes. He's a bit surprised but not shocked. High blood pressure runs in my family, and I've been borderline for a little while now. Calls are also made to reschedule everything I had cancelled for the first of next week. While I'm on the phone, my ears register the sound of a bedroom door opening, followed by the sound of the back door swinging open and then shut.
The Prance has gone outside. I think. Sometimes I wonder if it's an inherited trait to believe the world revolves around you, or if they teach that in elf kindergarten.
He still hasn't come back by the time I need to leave to pick Lil' Pip up from school. I try calling him but he doesn't answer and he doesn't show up either. I leave a note for him taped to the glass of the back door telling him where I've gone and that I'll be back soon. It's still taped in place when I get back.
Thinking he's probably gone for a long walk, I go on with my afternoon chores, bringing the laundry in from the clothesline and getting something out to defrost for supper. It isn't until Yes Dear gets home from work that I realize how long he's really been gone.
Over six hours.
I try calling him again, beginning to wonder if he's intentionally ignoring me for some reason. He wasn't angry before, at least I didn't think so. More like dejected, sad, maybe even burdened.
Or guilty.
Now I'm starting to worry. I spend a few minutes telling Yes Dear what transpired at the hospital, and he too becomes concerned.
That's about the time we decide to call in the cavalry. I pick up the phone.
"Hello, Janet?" I say to my next door neighbor when she picks up. "Legolas isn't over there poking around in your flowerbeds, is he?"
"Hello, Teresa? Would you mind looking outside and see if Legolas is swimming in your pool again?"
"Hello, Tommy? You aren't getting a little free slave labor on that new riding lawnmower of yours right now, are you?"
Nobody's seen him.
No one is missing a car either, which is another good thing since Legolas doesn't have a driver's license. He's watched me drive plenty of times, and with his penchant for perfection could probably do it well the first time he tried.
Right now about a dozen families are on the lookout for him, but an elf who doesn't want to be found can be quite formidable. If I find out he's playing a trick of some sorts on me, I'm gonna have a stroke.
Just kidding.
About the time I've rung everybody on the block, the phone goes off in my hand. It's Lisa who lives in the second house from the front of the subdivision. "I heard you lost something, "she teases.
"I did. . . at least I THINK I may have," I answer. "Have you seen Legolas this afternoon?"
"I hate to tell you this, but Clay just called and said he waved to him this afternoon; it would have been about 4:30."
I think.
"Clay was coming back from Greenwood and passed him walking along the side of the road."
Oh. Right. So that's NOT good news.
She continues, "He was right near the lake, just past the sub sandwich shop there."
That's almost twenty miles from home. He's not just wandering about in the woods talking to the trees. He's not tending the flowerbeds or the lawn next door, or doing a baelliefloep in the pool up the street.
Legolas is running away from home.
Thanking Lisa for calling, I hastily hang up and grab my car keys and book bag. Yes Dear hollers at Lil' Pip to get in the car, and in a matter of minutes we're on our way to Greenwood.
We take the main highway, watching carefully once we pass the sub sandwich place and then the lake. If he's been able to keep up the pace he set before Clay spotted him, he could easily have made it to the Greenwood city limit by now.
"Where should we try first?" I ask my logical-thinking husband.
"The only places he's familiar with really are the theater, the police station, the Chick-fil-A, and the Red Lobster," muses Yes Dear.
Great. Three places you can get food, and one where you get to go when you don't have money to pay for the food you've gotten. We learned THAT before.
We stop at all four places, beginning at the Red Lobster since it's the closest. He likes to go there to see the big tank. We haven't told him it's not a regular aquarium like the ones in Wal-Mart.
We describe him to the maitre d', who is positive she hasn't seated anyone matching his description tonight.
The Chick-fil-A staff haven't served anyone that looks like him at the drive through or walk up windows either. We head down to the theater, where the young lady at the ticket window takes one look at my hair and exclaims, "You know, your hair looks a lot like the blond wig that elf-guy from 'The Lord of the Rings' was wearing."
"Have you seen him?" I ask her, thinking we've found him at last.
"Of course!" she exclaims. "I've seen 'The Fellowship of the Ring' seven times now and 'The Two Towers' four times, but I should beat my old record by the time it goes to video," she brags.
"Shuddup, al," mumbles Yes Dear, never breaking his smile.
(Author's note: *coff 24 times for FOTR / 17 for TTT coff*)
"He's sooooo HOT. . . ," she whispers, winking at me.
"Who, him?" I ask, hooking my thumb in Yes Dear's direction.
"No! The elf-guy!" she scoffs.
Of course.
"Have you seen anyone who looks like him today, wearing jeans instead of leggings?" asks Yes Dear.
"Jeans? You mean tights?" she asks.
" 'Dere not tighdts, dere leggings!' " quotes Lil' Pip in perfect mocking imitation of the Prance.
"Who talks just like that?" I ask, pointing at Lil' Pip.
She thinks about it for a second - at least she pauses as if she's thinking. Maybe she's actually considering whether to call the cops or the psychiatric warden.
"No. I haven't seen anyone who looks like the elf-guy wearing jeans who talks like 'dat' today," she concludes.
We move on to the police station. No one's seen Legolas there either, and it's too early to fill out a missing person - er, missing elf - report. While we're standing at the desk, Officer Pendleton comes in to greet us.
"You know, we COULD put out a BOLO on him," he says to the desk clerk.
"Mama, what's a BOLO?" says Lil' Pip. "Can I have one too?"
Officer Pendleton guffaws loudly. "A BOLO, my dear lass," he chortles, "is a warning notice for all officers to 'Be On the Lookout'. It tells the officers on the streets to watch for someone who isn't really a 'normal' missing person."
'Normal'. Right.
"Don't you put out a BOLO on bank robbers, and kidnappers, and other kinds of bad guys?" asks Yes Dear.
"Most of the time that's how it works," answers Officer Pendleton. "I think this time we could make an exception."
Soon Officer Pendleton has gotten a fair description of Legolas and his latest fashion trend. When we left the house this morning for the hospital (seems like a year ago now), he was wearing black jeans and a USC Gamecocks t-shirt, black with garnet and white of course, and white Nike tennis shoes. I say a prayer of thanks he's not wearing the Viagra racing cap this time. I'm also sure to point out he's six foot tall.
"Now we wait," Officer Pendleton says to me with a grandfatherly pat on my knee.
And wait we do. A couple of hours pass by, and there's been no report of a sighting at all. As midnight approaches, I'm starting to panic.
That's when the call comes in. "Come on," says Officer Pendleton.
The three of us pile in to the backseat of his patrol car - me in the middle and Lil' Pip and Yes Dear on the sides.
"Can you turn on the blue lights and the siren?" asks Lil' Pip.
"Well, I CAN. . . ," starts Officer Pendleton, but I cut him off.
"NO! You'll scare him!" I shout.
". . . but normally we don't," he finishes with a smile and a wink at me. "Relax, Mom," he assures me. "He'll be ok. We'll find him."
We pull up to a dimly lit brick building with several people hanging around under the single light by the doorway. The Greyhound Bus Station. Inside it's as different as night and day. The place is fairly old, but the lobby is painted a warm and inviting yellow color. Bright multicolored chairs sit along the walls, holding a few patrons awaiting their tickets to fame and fortune. In the farthest corner, sitting in a chair with head down and elbows on knees, sits someone who looks like he's lost everything. In his hands he holds an envelope, not the business letter kind but one that would hold a personal message, like a Birthday card or a Thank You note. The envelope is worn a bit, probably from being lovingly considered many, many times. It's white, more square than oblong really, with an American flag stamp in the top right hand corner. The address is written there in green ink - feminine writing with lots of embellishments to the lettering.
He sighs, and as he does so he turns the envelope over, staring now at the oval sealing sticker illustration of a fat little blue bird sitting on a rock amongst two sprigs of lavender growing in a meadow somewhere. A worried look passes over his handsome face like a dark cloud.
He's not wearing garnet and black at all, but has dressed in his green jerkin, silver tunic, gray-blue leggings, and soft brown boots. Bow and quiver of arrows lie beside him on the adjoining chair. If he had been stark naked I would have recognized him from just that envelope alone. It's his most prized possession, the most valuable thing he has on 'Modren- erth'.
The bow and quiver of arrows can be replaced. A seamstress could with some luck duplicate the elaborate embroidery of his leather jerkin and boots. This envelope is not replaceable. There is no other like it in all of Modern-earth, just as there are none like her.
It's his love letter from PuterPatty, his #1 fan, the keeper of the #1 ticket, her address clearly printed there in the top left-hand front corner.
Legolas is leaving me.
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Lub Ledders from Legolas
Lil' Pip: I kin't beeleeve u tole eberybuddie abot dat Legolas akshun feegur oen da Internaet. At leest u deedn't giv dem da leenk. . . .You mean the one that looks like a Barbie doll at http: // cgi. ebay .com /ws/ eBay ISAPI .dll? ViewItem & item = 2935224237 , Legolas?. . . .Yaeh, al, dat'z da won . . . HAE!! *groewlz*
daw the minstrel: Smeagol wuz rite abot sumptin. He alwaez uzed tu sae, "if we bea nise tu dem, dey bea nise tu us." Or sumptin like dat. Aniwae, I theenk we hav da nisest hoespeetle en da world. An da pertiest nuersez tu. Jest bea ursef eberyware u goe. Dat'z whut I due. *bloewz u a kees*
SarWolfe Snape: Coed Raed! MMMmmmm. . . I seam tu hav fraendz eberyware I goe. Yeas Deer haz bean teezin me abot getten a joeb doeng hare doewn at da beeutee paerlur. Due u waent me tu maek u an apoentmint? *pikz up pancil an skedjule buuk*
Chan: al!! *luukz at baellie* Luuk whut she deed!! *poyntz at baellie* Dere'z a deant en my baellie whur Chan poeked me! Luuk!! *al peers at the place Legolas is pointing to* That's your bellybutton, Prance. Everybody's got one. *Luukz agin* Oeh. . . nebermiend. *Huegz u bak*
IRENA: OEH YAEH, BAYBEE!! (c Legolas) I goet a duk, sum of Yaes Deerz cueffleenkz, a paer of waedrz, tu caerdbowrd tuebz frum da toelit paepur, a spuun an a boewl, a caen of 10W40, a baeg of saewduest, sum eer pluegz, and a buempur heetch fur a 1974 Ford Maeverik. Da maen at da awto paertz stoer deedn't hav won fur a 1975, buet whin I eggsplayned whut I neaded it fur he sed a 1974 wuld due jest fien. Da oenlee thaeng I deedn't uendurstaend wuz whut in da hek iz da blaendur fur? Kin haerdlee wate fur ur arrivel. I proemiss noet tu taell PP. . . . Huerrie tho, she haz elf eerz, u noe. *leekz leepz an groewlz*
PuterPatty: Whut due u meen "*letz u keez me*"? I steel goet a krik en my nek frum dat haedlok u haed me en. Bea kaerful, u weel maess up my hare! Dis hoel thaeng IZ all my fawlt. If I haedn't coem aloeng, al wuld jest bea goen abot her bizness, drievin Leedle Peep arond an cuukin an kleenin fur Yaes Deer. *whakz Yaes Deer fur laffin teel he choekz* If I haelp u wid dat lauendree, kin I ried whin da speen sykle iz oen? Puhleeze? Doen't luuk at whut I rote tu Irena. . . . I deedn't meen a wurd of it. *kueddlz up tu ur sied an ruenz my feengur dere. . . den deepz u fur a loeng kees* I'm coemin, baybee!!
Nilmandra: Uehhh. . . dey seant us hoem. Wuz dat okae? Deed I due da rite thaeng? Shuld I hav maed al staey? Shuld I hav askd tu sea dat doktur? Shuld I hav bean da won tu driev al hoem? I neber drove beafoer, buet I hav wachd aloet. . . .. Dis hoel thaeng IZ all my fawlt. I jest kin't git it rite. I thaenk I nead anuthr of ur maesagiz an keesiz. Buet whie deed u goe duenk en da reevir? I wulda skootid ober. . . . *puellz u entu my aermz fur anuthr of ur keesiz*
SperryDee: Oeh, da Naz-Buenniz ar soe kuute!! Iz dis won me? *poyntz* I baet dey meesd u wile u wear goen tu caemp. I baet ur mom meesd u moer dan dey deed. Deed dey groew wile u wear goen? I wanna heer all abot caemp, okae? *huegz u an Charlie an da baybeez*
Lady Silence: Oew! Oew! *juempz an ruenz around wid haendz coevereeng misef* Oew! al, dat huertz! It's a nerf bat, Legolas, and I'm only chasing you, I haven't even touched you with it. . . YET! *cackles evilly like the true witch I am* Alright, I'll stop. Come finish your cakes. *watches as the Prance stuffs himself once again with Lemon cake and Bavarian Chocolate cake* Hannon le, Lady Silence! *graebz u fur a kwik hueg beafoar al gitz dat baet owt agin*
Michelle: *takez choklit, likz around da owtsied, poepz entu mouf an chewz sloelee* MMmmm. . . . al iz tryen tu wurk owt a wae fur me tu goe tu Deeznee Wurld. I reely waenna reid dat Pierit ried. *snuegglz u*
lotrmatrixstarwarsfan: Luuk, al! Dere'z anuthr neu faengurl! *waevz* Hannon le fur all da woendurful thaengz u saed. Noe, I em noet canonical-we doen't hav caennonz whur I coem frum en Meedle-erth. *seandz u a kees aer-male*
The Karenator: U deedn't sea dat, reemembur? I doen't miend seain da bluud, it'z da neadlz dat git tu me. U goet me a Gaemkokz t-shurt AN a paess tu da loekr ruum?? WOEW!!! I wuld maek a guud cheekin, I theenk. *daensiz da Cheekin daense fur u tu bea da juedge of dat*
TreeHugger: I doen't eet like dat ebery dae, jest threa oer foar tiemz a weak at da moest. al sez she payses cuz it huertz, noet becuz she'z nearvus. Doen't furgit Leedle Peep-al sez she reely duz hav 3 Stoogiz livin wid her. Tu bea hepful u muest luuk ur baest, an all da laedeez due like tu noe jest hoew al iz duein. Dey weel staend dere an leestin all dae whin I giv da reepoart, den dey ask loetz of kwestshunz I muest anser. PP doez hav da #1 tikit, buet Irena livz muech kloesur. It wuld be an eenturesteeng rase, tu sae da leest. An reemeembur, u deedn't sea dat. Nuthin haeppind. *puetz a raezbaeerie kees on ur cheak*
Lina Skye: Hairy Podder? I haed tu wate fur Yaes Deer an Leedle Peep tu reed it furst, buet it wuz guud whin my tuern fienully caem. I woen't tael Arwen-u kin skeer her bedder dat wae. I lub it whin she skreemz. *seandz u sum Bertie Botts Beenz*
Cate: Hae, Cate! Waelkum! I wuld giv u a tikit, buet PP haz stole da deespencer agin! U kin goe sea her an she weel giv u a tikit tu hav me coem sea u. I wuld lub tu sea Canada, an I haed grean beear fur St. Patrik'z Dae. Dat'z hoew I eandid up wid dat grean haet. Deed u sea it? Seand al ur e-male an she'll seand it tu u, if u waent. *gievz u a beeg hueg fur reedeeng soe pashuntlee*
Newmoon: A baeld eegil? I baet heez haed gitz koeld en da weenturtiem. Sowndz like u haed loetz of fuen! Yeap, thaengz git wurse beafoar dey get bedder alot arond hear. . . . *steelz a kees frum u*
Vladimir'sAngel: *muenciz piezzae* *huegz u* I like ur neu jeenz. If al haed a pare like doze, she culd caerrie sum peenuetbuddr cuepz an kiet kaetz an Hearshey keesiz wid my koemb an my meeror an my brush an my tufpaest an. . . . Don't get any ideas there, lover boy. We'll get you a pair and you can carry MY stuff around, got it??
Lady Peredhel: *daensiz wid u* Eggzamz ar dun! Eggzamz ar dun! Noew LP kin have sum fuen! Whoooeee Hoooeeee! (c Celeborn) It'z haerd noet tu luuk at u whin u ar waerin DAT! I theenk my bluud praesshur iz goen up tu. . . .*haedz fur da koeld shower*
MagicalRachel: al iz deafinetlee a Maerie Suew. If u liv en England, due u noe dat guey whoe pertindz he iz me? Duz he shoep at da saem maerkit az u? Sea if he puetz M&M'z en heez kaert nekz tiem he'z dere, okae?? *snuegglz u tu keap u waerm en England dere*
Laura: Noebueddie saew dat, I'm shur. I goet tu eet 3 leedle tumadoez dis weak, an dere ar 3 owt dere dat weel be beeg enuf tu sliece entu a tumadoe saendwitch bie tumoerrow! Dat'z whut I'm wading fur! *likz leepz en antisipashun, den gievz u a leedle kees whin u ar noet luukin*
Lady in Red: *duz da taengo, den da chae chae, den da macaroni* She sez I em her faevurit, al!! Oeh boey! Waelkum, Lady in Red! *bloewz u a kees*
Holly :o) : We goet tuu muech rayne noew tuu! I stoepd duein da rayne daense a wile agoe. I deed eanjoey plaein en all da pueddlz, tho. *smuuuch*
JastaElf: Ahhhh Jasta, not just once, but this time you got him TWICE!! *fans the 'little honeybun of love' before finally resorting to tossing a full glass of water in his general direction* Ahhh! There you are, Jasta's 'sweet little Elven honey. . . . Nevermind that, just get up here and finish, ok? *draegz sef entu chaer* Whur wuz I? *staertz tu reed owt lowd agin. . . .* Frum Jasta. . . "YAY. . . I deedn't git a lub ledder. . . leedle elbin hunneybun . . . *THUD* Darnit, Jasta, there he goes again. . . .
Katani Petitedra: Graep jaelloe? Jest a pikshur, noet da reel thaeng? Woew, u muest bea az guellable az I em. *huegz u*
Skye Rocket: I em soe glaed u lub it!! *daensis wid u*
IM: Leedle Peep sez she iz prowd dat a keetie haz bean naemd aftur her, an waentz tu noe if it'z a gurl oer a boey keetie. She hoepz it'z a gurl kat. I em soe glaed u seant me a lub ledder! *huegz u tite, den plaentz a kees oen ur cheak*
Space-Case 7029: Yaeh, Kevin! I lub tu wach dose karz raese arond dat trak, doen't u? Won dae I em goenna driev won of dose karz, hoew abot u? *snuegglz u*
Anon: al noez goessip deert?? Abot me? Woew, I deedn't knoe dat. She deedn't tael abot whut haeppind en da bakseet of da vaen, deed she? I shur hoep noet. Whur deed u goe en Europe? Dat sowndz like fuen. Tael me abot it sumtiem, okae? *Kueddlz u*
leail: LEAIL! LEAIL! LEAIL! LEAIL!! I oenlee eet like dat ebery othur dae or soe. I culdn't due it eberydae. Elves ar like huemminburdz. . .we uze a loet of eanurgee wid owr eberydae aktivateez. I steel kinnot bealeeve al luukz like dat uendur her skeen. Oer oen toep of her skeen, fur dat maettur. Woew. . . .al ez tuff, buet dose neadulz skeer eben a seezond worrier like me. I dunnoe hoew she kin jest siet dere an leat dem puet dat en her. *shueddrz* I nead a hueg *steelz a hueg frum u* Kin I hav a kees tu? *klozez eyez an puekrz uep. . . .*
Cara6: Hoew iz da neu buenk bed en da neu howse? Due u git tu sleap oen da vary toep? U deedn't faell oeff, deed u? Dat sowndz like da flets dat elves en Lothlorien sleap oen. Leat'z salebrate bie duen da macaroni *danses wid u*
ren: I hoep I em duen da rite thaeng tu maek al git bedder. I kin't due enithaeng abot dat stoen, buet I kin git oudda her hare an hep her bluud praeshur. Maebee noew she weel bea okae, due u theenk? *snuegglz uep tu u fur kumfurt*
caranwen: I kin't wate teel I git tu sea dat guey whoe theenkz he iz me bean a pierit! Noew mebbe he weel goe pik oen sumbuddie ealse heez oen aege. *seandz u sum elbin lub*
Angaloth: Dose ar da baest haembergrrz en Modren-erth, I theenk. An da friez, an da piez, an da. . .weel, u noe. U reely deedn't sea enithaeng, deed u? Noebuddie ealse deed. *skweazez u*
Anja: Whur deed u goe? Deed u hav a guud tiem? Weel u tael me all abot it whin u git bak? I mees u alreedy. *beeg hueg I saevd jest fur u*
Threthiel: Hannon le fur da lub ledder, an fur all da nise thaengz u sed abot me. I em glaed u staertid riting tu me. I lub tu here frum u! *huegz u an seandz u a kees*
Arienna: Doen't wurry abot seain whut u deedn't sea en baettil. We doen't hav neadlz en Meedle-erth. Az fur dat kwestshun tu al, she sez it iz tuu eerlee tu theenk abot it. She doezn't waent tu theenk abot dat uenteel at leest Noevembur. *cueddlz*
Aranel: Weel, I waentid it fur. . .I waentid. . .I kin't tael u, al iz wachin me! Doze ar da baest buergrrz I hav eber haed. U wuld like dem tuu. I em shur I culd git ur hare tu brayed. . . I hav haed loetz of praktise. Reemeembur, u deedn't sea a thaeng, rite? *brueshiz my leepz akross ur cheak*
anna: Deed u sea my haet fur da Foarth of Juelye? Heehee! I lub'd da paeraedz, an da saelz at da stoerz, buet da fierwurkz wear a leedle louwd fur my eerz. I liked wachin it oen da TV bedder. *beeg huegz fur u*
The Two Princesses: Hoew iz ur suemmir brake goen? I hoep u ar gettin tu eet loetz of haembuergrz jest like da wonz we hav hear at da hoespeetil. al sez M iz rite abot da fleebotamist. Dat iz sumwon whoe taekz da bluud frum ur vainz. U deedn't sea enithaeng, noew deed u. Noebuddie saew enithaeng, NOEBUDDIE. OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
gershwin: It'z noet da bluud. It'z da neadlz. *shueddrz* I noe jest hoew ur realatiev fealz, eggsept noebuddie haz eber stuk me wid won of dose thaengs. *skweaziz u*
amber 725 aka Stimpy: I weel bea theenkin of u oen ur birfdae az wael az whin u goe tu da hoespitael. I hoep ur hoespitael iz as nise az owrz. *seandz u a spaeshul smuuuuuuch*
Digital Jessie: Jest whin u theenk theengz ar az baed az dey kin git, sumptin ealse haeppinz. U noe, I DUE hav a loet of peepul waelkin arond beehiend me sumtiemz. Fuennie dat u poyntid dat owt. . . .*shaerz sum elf suugur wid u*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
U due sea whie dis iz all my fawlt, doen't u? Rite me kwik! I dunnoe if PuterPatty weel leat me uze her coempuder-I theenk she weel bea keapin me vary bizzie!