Two weeks later I watched as Éowyn and Kera gave each other teary
farewells, and truly regretted separating them. I had never really had a
best friend in my youth, too busy trying to fend off Aragorn and him.
It was ridiculous. Any mention of Legolas made a shiver run down my spine, but there was no reason for it! I know it was not him that raped me the first night, and that it was not him that took me every night for nearly two months following that.
I was brought back to the present when Théodan laid his hand on my arm.
"Do not dwell on it." He said softly. "Let it pass."
"I think it will haunt me for a long time." I replied in a whisper.
"Then have my blessings." He said. He handed me a gold ring, and I nearly dropped it in surprise. It had been Lorilei's and before that, Théodan and Lorelei's mother's.
"But this is for Éowyn!" I exclaimed.
"No. Lorilei told me once to give it to you, as a sign between two kingdoms. I never understood that, but I promised to abide by her wish." I pulled a ring off my own finger. It was a gold one that I had made myself, when I had entertained an interest in jewelry making. It was plain gold, with a simple sun engraving. I handed it to Théodan.
"As a sign between two kingdoms." I said softly. Théodan looked at the engraving and frowned. Then he looked at my necklace, the sun pendant that hung from my neck as always,
"Would you not tell me your kingdom, then, my lady?" he asked with a bow.
"Not if it means two friends become two ambassadors." I answered, raising him from his bow. He smiled.
"I hope not."
"My kingdom was...is Anorondor, which is known more commonly now as Mordor." Théodan nodded, not very surprised.
"Yes, yes. I understand now." I raised an eyebrow. "There was a story, once, about a great lady who came among us, much as you did. She called herself Brial, and it is said that she was great friends with the Lady of Rohan at the time. But she lived an uncommonly long time, still young when all around her died. And a great sadness was around her, until one day she walked into Fangorn Forest, where it is said she passed, though the only thing people are sure of is that never again did Rohan see her."
"I have a great-grandmother many times over that was called Brial before she died. She too, should have been queen."
"You have only to call for Rohan's aid, Queen Eldira Jané, and you will have it."
"And you shall have any aid we might give you." I said as Kera came to stand beside me. I looked at her and she nodded. Then I hugged Théodan.
"You have been a great friend." I said fiercely. "I shall miss you."
"And I you. I hope our paths cross again." He said. Then he released me and stepped back. "Farewell, and may the sun always shine on your face." I smiled at that, and Kera looked startled, then she curtsied deeply. I slipped the small gold ring on my finger where the ring I had given Théodan had been , and it fitted perfectly.
"Farewell, also, King Théodan of Rohan." I said, mounting Enya. Kera mounted her own horse, Alai, and we trotted out of Edoras. When I looked back, I saw four figures on the veranda in front of Meddled, and then I turned my attention north.
We planned to travel north along the Misty Mountains, past Fangorn, Lorien and Mirkwood, up to the pass in the mountains where the Old Forest Road met the mountains. Once through the mountains, we would come out on the Great East Road, which led straight to Rivendell, where I planned on taking a rest from travelling, and also from remembering. I didn't care that I was running from my fears, only that I got away from them.
Along the journey, Kera asked what had actually happened. I told her. She was twenty-three now, and I could no longer protect her as I had done when she was a young child.
She was silent for a long time after I told her, and together we made good progress travelling north and following the Anduin. The further north we got, the colder it became, until we rode always with our hoods up and our cloaks wrapped around us.
The cloaks had been a gift from Éowyn, who had made them for us in secret, without even Kera knowing. The work was beautiful, and very well done. My cloak was navy blue with a red tree pattern along the front panels, while Kera's was green, with gold leaves embroidered up the front panels. They were made from thick velvet lined with thicker wool, and were very heavy, although they were incredibly warm, and kept all the wind and rain out.
At Dol Guldur we were forced to leave the path and enter Mirkwood because of a great blockage in the road. From the moment Enya's foot stepped into Mirkwood proper, I waited for Calren to find us. I knew it would not take long, as we had been watched since we started along the part of the path that passed closely to Mirkwood.
Calren did not disappoint, and we had barely passed the blockage when we were surrounded by Mirkwood elves.
"Ama." Kera whispered. It meant mother in elvish, but I knew she was not referring to me or even to her real mother, but to the Lady Goddess. The Elves did not realise this.
"Strangers, why do you travel in Mirkwood?" Calren asked. I raised my head and pushed back my hood.
"Because there is a blockage on the road, Calren." I answered. "Do you think I like giving you opportunities to bring me in?" he laughed.
"Wonderful to see you too, my lady Jané." He said with a laugh. "And this is your daughter?"
"This is the lady Kera." I said. She pushed her hood back also.
"Well?" he asked. "Do you have a reason, or must I bring you in?"
"I told you." I said tiredly. "There is a blockage on the road, and if you had cleared it, we would not have ventured into your territory."
"Which is what you say every time." Calren grinned. "But since you are in Mirkwood, let me extend our courtesy to you. It grows dark much faster in these woods – stay in our camp this night. I doubt Legolas would hear excuses if he discovered you died soon after leaving my company."
"Cheerful, isn't he?" Kera asked me quietly.
"it's the way he is." I answered with a grin, fully aware that he could hear us. "We will take you up on that offer." I said to Calren. "I would rather not meet my end in Mirkwood, of all the places of Middle Earth. Calren shrugged.
"We would be glad to have you."
The camp was a cheerful place, with singing and laughter. Kera and I joined in readily, and it seemed the elves got much amusement from us, though whether it was all from us or at us, I didn't know.
Early the following morning, I was readying Enya to travel on when someone touched me on the shoulder. I turned, and when I saw who it was, I gasped and took a step backwards.
Legolas looked confused, but he didn't say anything, except "My Lady."
"Legolas!" I said quietly. "When did you arrive?"
"Late in the night. We saw Calren's fire and joined him." I nodded, then turned back to Enya.
"Jané!" I turned to see Kera running towards us. "I just heard Legolas is here! Are we...oh." She saw Legolas and looked back and forwards between us before sinking into a curtsey. "My lord." She said. Legolas strode over and raised her.
"My lady. Welcome to Mirkwood." Kera smiled, but glanced at me worriedly.
"thank you, my lord. Though I believe we'll be leaving you all too soon. We are anxious to return to Rivendell." Legolas frowned.
"Taking the north path? You cant, not now. It'll be blocked from now until spring. All of them are." It was my turn to frown, annoyed at myself for not thinking of that. "You could alternatively go south, through the Gap of Rohan." Legolas said.
"No!" I cried before I could stop myself. Kera grabbed my hand and held on. Both my hands were shaking, something that had never happened before. Legolas, being the observant elf he is, noticed.
"What is wrong?" Legolas asked, grasping my hand in his own. The moment he touched me, I remembered how he had felt at Isengard, although it had only been another man disguised as Legolas. I snatched my hand back and stepped away, my eyes wide. Kera quickly stood between us.
"No, my lord." She said quickly in elvish. "Jané has had a very...trying time of late. None of which was your fault, but it involved you and she is still...recovering." Legolas frowned, confused.
"Very well." He said coldly. Then he turned and left. I promptly burst into tears, and Kera wrapped her arms around me, watching Legolas leave.
"Is she unwell?" a familiar voice sounded to my left, and I raised my head.
"Coping." I answered. Deiran narrowed his eyes and wiped away my tears. He looked over to where Legolas stood, talking with Calren, clearly about me, and then looked back to me. It suddenly struck me that Deiran could hear all that Legolas was saying to Calren, and I frowned, pulling away from Kera.
"My lady," Deiran began, "I would like to offer the hospitality of Mirkwood to you, if you are so opposed to the Gap of Rohan." Kera glanced at me.
"We would be honoured." Kera said. Deiran looked at me and I nodded with a sniff.
"Very well. Lady Jané, Lady Kera, I hope to speak with you later." He said with a bow. Then he joined Legolas, had a few words, and then disappeared into the forest.
We arrived at the palace of Mirkwood two days later. I had calmed down somewhat, although I was uncomfortable around Legolas, and he did not speak to me more than was necessary. This hurt, but I knew I deserved it, and I also knew I might freak out again if he touched me. Isengard would not leave my thoughts, despite Kera's chattering as she desperately tried to help me forget. Eventually I just touched her shoulder and told her to stop, as I was sure she was driving the elves crazy, and it wasn't helping me anyway. She looked saddened that she had been able to do nothing to help me, but she was quiet after that. That night she told me that she still blamed herself for it, and the fact that she could not help me made her feel worse. I could say nothing to make her feel better without lying to her, and I had never lied to her before and did not intend on starting then
We had not been long at the palace when one afternoon Kera knocked on my door. I let her in, and she looked agitated, wringing her hands, and refusing to meet my eyes.
"Kera, stop it!" I finally exclaimed. She was still. "What happened?"
"I'm sorry." She said. She looked up at me and finally met my eyes, and I knew what she had done.
"It is well, Kera." I said wearily. "he had to know, and I am glad it was not I who had to tell him. You told him all?"
"Everything you told me. He got very angry, especially when I said what he, or rather the other man, had done. He scared me."
"He is frightening when he is angry." I agreed. "He is an elf, and it is so easy to forget since they look so like we do. But now and again..."
"They remind you what they truly are." Kera finished. I nodded.
"It's alright, Kera. Like I said, he had to know, and I am glad I did not have to tell him, although I am sorry that burden fell to you." Kera shrugged.
"It is well. I am glad I could have done something. I feel so helpless when you..." I hugged her.
"I know you do, and I'm sorry." Kera grinned.
"Cheer up." She said, in a startling change of subject. "The library has books on Mordor I've never seen before." I pushed her towards the door.
"Enjoy." She left with a grin and a wave, and I pulled my dark blue cloak on, and went out to the gardens.
I trailed my hands across the leaves, feeling the different textures under my fingers. The light was fading, and now the gardens were tinted in shades of rose pink and gray.
"Watch your hands on the spined edula." Legolas said. I spun, and he stepped out of the shadow of a willow. I turned back to the plant in question and touched the end of one of the spines. It touched my finger and drew blood.
"They are sharp." I said.
"It would've torn your hand to shreds had you trailed it through that." I nodded.
"Thank you for stopping me." Legolas walked down the slight hill to stand next to me. He stared down at the spiny plant.
"Why did you not tell me?" he asked me suddenly, looking at me. I met his gaze and forced myself not to flinch, refusing to let myself remember the way his eyes had looked that one night. He seemed to see my struggle and looked away. "You cannot even look at me without flinching." He said bitterly. I forced myself to touch his arm. He looked at me sharply.
"I know it was not you." I said quietly. "I know. And yet..."
"You fear me." I looked down at the grass. Legolas turned so he faced me. He held out his hand. I looked at it, then at him. "Take it." He whispered. My mind told me to stop being silly, but my entire soul quivered and went cold. I slowly reached out my hand and laid it in his.
His hand was different from that of the Legolas of Isengard. His hands were cooler, and harder. His skin was callused differently, I suddenly realised. The Legolas of Isengard had hands callused the way Aragorn's were: by sword. This hand had been callused by the bow, not a sword.
I raised my eyes from our hands to his face, where he was watching me intently.
"I would never, ever, hurt you." He whispered. "Never." I closed my eyes, but tears still sprung from underneath them and trickled down my cheeks. Legolas did nothing, only stood there, my hand on top on his, and waited. When I opened my eyes he held out his other hand, and I laid my other hand on top of his, and this time he curled his fingers around it loosely, gently holding my hand.
"I told you once, a long time ago, that you could trust me, and that I wouldn't hurt you." He said softly. I remembered it well – I had woken from a nightmare in which all who I loved had turned against me, I think I was twelve at the time, just before I had left to go to Denarssa, and it was Legolas who had woken me. He had hugged me and made me tell him my dream, and then he had promised that I could always trust him and that he would never hurt me. That had held true for many things, throughout the time I had known him. "I meant it then, and it holds true now, melamin." The use of the endearment startled me, and my gaze flew to his face, searching. His hands tightened slightly on my own, and he took a step forward. I took a step back without thinking, and immediately regretted it. "Peace, little one." He said to me, his blue eyes holding mine. Then he let go of my hands and disappeared back towards the palace, leaving me in the gardens feeling undeniably stupid.
Winter solstice passed, and then Imbolc. Snow still fell heavily on the mountains, and the passes were still completely blocked. Legolas spent a lot of time allowing me to get used to him, and I imagine it was very trying work, as some days I was forward and easy with him, and other days I had only to look at him and I would be terrified. Legolas took this all in good humour, and with an amazing amount of patience.
One day I was sat in one of the many solars, the winter sunshine streaming through the tall windows, and a roaring fire warming the room. It was a lovely room, done in warm green and gold, with thick carpets and comfortable chairs. I had gone there to read, as the gardens were now much to cold. I had found a book on Mordor I had not read, and it talked about much I did not know. It was by one of the Queens, who had found her way here. Her name was Dernin, and she had been Brial's daughter.
It spoke of something called Melaendal, which translated loosely into common to mean 'love-curse'. Kera had actually found out about it first, and told me to read about it.
It seemed to happen every time a Queen fell in love. She would fall into madness, and would be forced to choose between her love and her sanity. To choose sanity meant she would forget all about her love for a person, and so they would become no more than an acquaintance. To choose love meant that the Queen would go insane. No Queen had ever chosen love, because you could not rule a country or bring up and heir if you were insane. I wondered at how many lovers were left rejected by a Queen who had loved them until she fell ill.
"Why the dark thoughts?" Legolas' voice startled me out of my reverie.
"Oh, nothing." I said with a smile. "I was just reading about something called Melaendal, that seems to afflict all the Queens when they fall in love." Legolas' face went blank.
"Love-curse. We know of that. One of our own was a victim of a Queen's choice."
"He faded." I said simply. Legolas nodded. I suddenly realised that was what he saw as his fate, provided I still loved him. "Legolas..."
"Don't, Jané." Legolas said abruptly. I fell silent.
"I would make a different choice, I think." I said slowly after a while. "Perhaps I am not as brave...as the others." Legolas turned away from me.
"You know you would choose sanity." He said harshly. "It is what you have been brought up to do. You have no choice."
"I thought the whole point of the curse was that you could choose." I answered. He turned to face me, and his features were drawn and cold, the blank mask that I feared above all else.
"Truly? Be reasonable, Jané. You have no choice. Since you have no heir, you must choose sanity. Even if it means forsaking..."
"You?" I asked softly. Legolas glared at me.
"I have other business to attend to." He said, standing quickly and striding to the door. Just as he left I made my choice.
"I choose love." The door shut with a slam.
A few days later I met Legolas in the gardens. The snow was hard underfoot, and I had taken the opportunity of the nice day to get out of the palace, which had always made me feel confined. I spotted Legolas walking across the garden, and scooping up a handful of snow, I flung the snowball at him. It hit him in the shoulder and he spun, looking around. I was the only other in the garden, and his gaze fixed on me. I then flung the second snowball I had been hiding behind my back. It hit him square in the face. He spluttered, his pale skin tinged pink. Then he scooped up his own handful of snow and I ran. He caught me up easily, the snowball hitting my shoulder. He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around, and I looked up innocently at his wet face, giggling under my breath. He raised an eyebrow.
"I'm not quite sure what you find so funny." He said haughtily. I pressed my lips together to stop my laughter, but it didn't work very well. Soon he, too, was laughing, right before he pressed a handful of snow into my face. When he pulled his hand away, I simply stared, too shocked to do anything else. Then he leant down and kissed me.
Memories of Isengard flashed through my mind, as they always did when he touched me, but I pushed them away firmly, putting my hands on his shoulders and rising onto my tiptoes. His hands went around my waist under my thick cloak, drawing me closer to him. Then he pulled away.
"I'm sorry." He said. I shook my head.
"It's alright." I took his hand and began to lead him up to the palace. He followed me obediently.
We came to my room, and I pulled him in and shut the door.. then I kissed him. His hands went around my waist, and my fingers worked at undoing the ties of his shirt. I had them undone and then I kissed his throat. He moved away.
"No, Jané." He said, stepping back and retying his shirt. He kissed my forehead and was gone before I could say anything. I flopped back on the bed.
I felt like a royal idiot, and I was a bit pissed off. I can't believe he said no! I stayed in my rooms for the rest of the evening, missing dinner, and Kera came to see me soon afterwards.
"You alright?" she asked me, slipping into the room. I nodded.
"And I'm a sheep's mother." She snapped sarcastically. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong?" so I told her, and when I had finished, she sat down on the bed next to me and started laughing.
"If you're going to laugh and me, you can leave and do it elsewhere." I snarled. She paused in her laughter.
"I'm not laughing at you...well, I am, but I'm laughing at the entire situation. By rejecting you, he's proved the one thing you couldn't – that the Legolas at Isengard really was a fake! Somehow I doubt that he would have rejected you." She had a point. "Anyway. I have to go, I'm busy...elsewhere." She rose, but I grabbed her wrist.
"Where elsewhere?" I asked mischievously.
"Nowhere elsewhere." She replied. I nodded seriously.
"Yes, I believe you. And I'm a sheep's mother. Now tell."
"I've met...a guy...and he's very nice." I nodded.
"What about Éomer?"
"We were more close friends than we were anything else. We tried, and it didn't work, so we decided to be friends."
"Very wise. So what's his name?"
"Andir. He's blonde, blue-eyed..." she realised how ridiculous she sounded. "And very nice." She finished.
"Indeed." I said with a grin. "Well, go have fun. And don't do anything I wouldn't."
"Yes, Ama." She said sarcastically. She turned and grinned when she reached the door. "Don't be too hard on him. After all, he did prove his evil twin was fake, not that you didn't already know." I rolled my eyes.
"Out!" she curtsied and left.
Legolas avoided me for a week before I managed to catch up with him.
"Legolas! Wait" I called, hitching up my skirts and running across the field to the other side where he paused, a hawk on one wrist.
"Jané." He said, his eyes meeting mine. "How are you?"
"Well, thank you. Look, I wanted to say thanks."
"For what?"
"For stopping me from being an idiot, and for knocking some sense into me."
"I don't understand." He said gravely.
"When you...told me no," I began, "you proved the one thing I couldn't – that you were you and the other Legolas was fake."
"So glad you came to that conclusion." Legolas said snappily, turning away. I grabbed his shoulder and made him face me again.
"I'm not done. I just wanted to say thanks, and that I love you." I kissed him on the lips and turned away. This time he grabbed my shoulders and spun me back, kissing me hard. When he finally drew back for air, I smiled.
"So. How are you?" I asked. He laughed in a way that I hadn't heard since I arrived here, and I suddenly released how much strain I had put on him.
"Better, now." He said.
"I'm sorry." I said, taking his free hand in my own. "For being such a..."
"Confused and scared human?" he asked, looking down at me from his superior height. We started walking along the edge of the wood, where open land met tall trees.
"When you put it like that, yes." I answered with a grin. His fingers squeezed mine, and I squeezed back. "You were very patient with me."
"Patience is something you learn when you're as old as I am." He said. He suddenly looked wistful, like he wished he was younger.
"Do not wish for the past." I said softly. "Or you will lose both present and future in it." Legolas nodded, and kissed my temple.
"You speak truly, as if from experience."
"Many times I have wished to see the elder Queens, and in seeking them often I have become lost in mine own past that I can seek neither their past nor my present." Legolas frowned. The hawk on his wrist fidgeted, and he flung her into the air where she flew away, sunlight catching the emerald feathers under her wings until she shined like sun-kissed jewels.
"Seeking the past can be dangerous." He cautioned.
"If one is not trained and prepared for it." I added. "I am. Have been, since I was eighteen. Many years ago." I said with a laugh.
"And always you grow more beautiful." He said, tucking a strand on curling black hair behind my ear.
"And your manners improve likewise." I said with an unladylike snort. "Flattery will get you nowhere." Legolas grinned.
"We should turn back." He said, "It shall take us at least an hour to return." I nodded, and we began to retrace our steps. The shrill call of his hawk caused many of the songbirds to silence themselves, and when Legolas held out his wrist and whistled, the hawk landed on his wrist in a flurry of wings, it's beak streaked red.
"You do not take her catch from her?" I asked.
"Not at the moment." He replied, stroked her chest with a finger. "In summer I will, but at this time of year she just needs the exercise."
"What's her name?" I asked, touching her chest feathers gingerly, half- expecting her to bite me.
"Luhta."
"Enchantment." I translated. "She's beautiful." Legolas nodded his agreement. We found Enya grazing calmly by a small stream which was frozen over. "Where's your horse?"
"Wandering." Legolas answered. He gave a sharp whistle, and the was an answering whinny from the forest, and soon a beautiful bay horse with cream man and tail cantered out of the woods, straight to Legolas. Luhta hopped from Legolas' wrist onto the pommel of his saddle, while Legolas stroked the horse's nose. I put my foot in the stirrup and pulled myself onto Enya, sitting sidesaddle as I was meant to, especially when wearing dresses, and trying to get comfortable in doing so.
I wasn't wearing the most sensible of dresses, a turquoise wool one with a square neck which meant I got a cold throat and long wide sleeves, which meant a cold draught went up my arms. It wasn't the ideal dress for riding in the northern parts of Mirkwood in February, but when I heard Legolas had gone out alone with his hawk I had thrown on a thick royal blue woolen mantle, pulled on blue suede gloves and ridden out. This now meant that I was trying to get comfortable sitting sidesaddle when I was wearing far too much skirt, and it kept bunching underneath me. Enya stood patiently while I tried to sort myself out and Legolas just watched in amusement.
"When you're quite finished." He said eventually.
"When you have ridden sidesaddle while wearing far too much thick long skirt then you may be impatient." I snapped good-naturedly. "Until then, keep your comments to yourself."
"Of course, my lady." He said, bowing from his position in the saddle. Sitting properly, I might add.
"Oh, shut up. Let's go, I'm freezing. I think my hands are about to fall off." He laughed, not feeling the cold very much at all, even though there was at least six inches of snow on the ground and looking like there was more to come, and we set off back to the palace.
We arrived back a little later than expected, in other words, in the middle of dinner. Legolas had gotten it in its head that it would be a good idea to make me look like an idiot, and so he chased me down the halls, laughing like a madman while I giggled hysterically, and straight into the dining hall. All conversation stopped the moment we ran in, although I'm not that surprised. I must have looked a mess, because I knew for a fact all my hair had fallen out of its twist and was lying anywhere it pleased around my head and shoulders, and I must have been flushed, both from the cold and the laughing. Legolas walked gravely beside me, and I hit him discretely on the leg with my glove. He hit me back, considerably harder, and I muffled a complaint, hitting him back.
This whole time we were walking up the middle of the hall towards the dais, where we normally ate. The other elves all sat around us, watching us curiously as we tried not to attract attention. I think I must have hit him too hard with my glove, because then he went over the top and tried to tickle me, in full view of everyone! I, being me and extremely ticklish, ran away with a shriek, and was chased up to the main table. Legolas caught me just before I reached it, and carried me up the steps, ignoring me while I entreated him to put me down. One of the servants pulled out my chair at Legolas' gesture, and he plonked me down on it, and poked me in the side before ruffling my already ruined hair and walking off. I tucked my desert spoon in my glove and threw it at him behind Thranduil's chair, and it hit him in the buttocks, and he wheeled around and stared at me incredulously.
"May I have my spoon back, please?" I asked sweetly, pursing my lips and raising my eyebrows at him. He was about to throw it at me, I could just tell, when Thranduil intervened.
"When you two have quite finished acting like children, there is a meal to be eaten." Thranduil took my glove and weighed it in his hand before emptying the spoon onto his palm. He passed me back both glove and spoon while I smiled politely and tried not to laugh as Legolas pulled faces at me behind Thranduil's back. When Thranduil turned back, Legolas quickly applied himself to his food. Dinner passed uneventfully after that, though Thranduil kept a close eye on us both.
After dinner, and the songs and stories that generally followed after, I stormed off to Legolas' room. When he opened the door, I threw a holly berry at him.
"That, is for making me look like an idiot." I said sweetly. He looked outraged. I threw another at him. I had a whole pocketful.
"That is for deliberately making me out to be the villain." I added. I threw another at him and he caught it. I threw the fourth before he had a chance to catch it and it bounced off his nose.
"That, is for interrupting my diatribe and catching my ammunition." I admonished. I began to throw the fifth when he caught me wrist and dragged me inside. He then dumped an entire silver bowl of dried rose potpourri on my head. I spat a rose at him that had gotten in my mouth, and threw a whole handful of holly berries at him, and brushed bits of rose petal and cinnamon out of my hair, moving to his mirror.
"Legolas!" I whined. "That's going to take forever to get out of my hair!"
"Don't be ridiculous." He said, snatching up a comb from the table by the mirror and combing the potpourri out of my loose hair. Soon the stuff littered the floor around our feet, and Legolas and I just stared at each other as he ran the comb through my hair. Then I turned and kissed him. And this time when I undid the ties to his shirt, he didn't stop me.
He was infinitely gentle with me, and soon took my mind off any memories of the cruelty of Isengard, which had long lingered in my mind and body. Legolas showed me exactly the meaning of love, and led me in a great dance in which we moved to each other's tune as though we had spent long learning the steps. He loved me in ways I had never thought possible, and I loved him with all my heart and soul in return. He swore to me then that he would love me always, and I knew it was true, and that my heart would love him long beyond the death and decay of my body.
I lay awake that night staring out of the window, my body spooned in Legolas', who had an arm over my waist, holding me to him as he slept. When I turned my face to look at him, his eyes were wide open, though his mind was far away as he dreamed. It was another detail I had missed at Isengard, I noted. The Legolas there had slept with closed eyes as humans do, not as the elves do.
"What are you thinking, love?" he asked me, awareness suddenly returning to his blue eyes as he blinked sleepily at me.
"That you're beautiful and I love you." I answered with a smile. He kissed my nose.
"Well, you took the words out of my mouth." He said with a wry grin. I yawned, snuggling into him, putting my head against his chest and listening to his slow heartbeat while he tightened his arms around me.
"I don't want to ever let go." He whispered in my ear. I smiled and pressed a kiss against his bare chest.
"I know the feeling."
When I woke the next morning Legolas had gone, but lying where he had been was a white rose, and I wondered how he had gotten it, since it was still icy cold outside and snow lay on the ground many inches thick.
The note by the rose said that he had gone out hunting with his father, and probably would not return until the following day or even the day after that. It said that he would miss me and long to return always, and other such sappy nonsense. It made me smile, and when I got out of bed I stretched, feeling languorous and generally very luxuriated. When I turned up at lunch, Kera just looked at me raised eyebrows and smiled, and I shot her a look that told her she was not my mother and to mind her own business.
She caught me just outside of the dining room, though, and drew me aside.
"You look very...well loved." She commented. I couldn't decide if she was teasing or was happy.
"I am well loved. And I feel lovely." I admitted. Kera laughed.
"That, dearest queen, is what happens when you are well loved by someone you love." She smiled. I rolled my eyes at her.
"And you would have much experience."
"More than you!" she retorted. "Even though you are more than three times my age." She added as an afterthought.
"But looking thrice as good." I replied sweetly, and she smacked my shoulder.
"A queen is modest. And anyway. I have plenty of experience. You didn't exactly chaperone me very well when I was growing up."
"Like you're grown up now." I scoffed.
"Way to prove my point." She smiled at me mischievously.
"Careful, Kera, or I might chaperone you around Andir. And think how that would ruin your plans." She pouted. I grinned. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to spend the afternoon basking in the sunlight and reading a book in the library."
I curled up, as I said I would, in one of the large armchairs that stood by the window in the strong winter sunshine. The book about Mordor and the Love-Curse was on my lap, but I couldn't concentrate and instead found myself chasing my thoughts around my head, unable to keep track of them for longer than twenty seconds.
This soon gave me a headache and I gave up altogether, letting the book sit untended on my lap as I stared out of the window where three small children threw snowballs at each other, shrieking and laughing. When I next checked the time I found I had been sitting there for hours, doing nothing and staring into space. I was just in time for dinner, although the dining hall was quiet, with many of the elves gone hunting with the King and their prince.
The next day my headache was equally as strong, if not stronger, and I felt dizzy and weak. I spent the day basking in the library, as I had spent the previous afternoon. But by noon I kept falling asleep and so I took myself off to my chambers, where I lay down and was instantly asleep.
Kera woke me around dinnertime.
"Did someone not get enough sleep a few nights back?" she teased. I groaned and stood up. My vision immediately went black and I stumbled back until I sat on the bed, my head between my knees.
"Jané, are you pregnant?" she asked me seriously. I rolled my eyes, my head still between my knees.
"Kera, be reasonable. I only slept with him night before last."
"Oh. Good point. Well made." Kera admitted. I nodded and sat up with a groan. Kera touched my forehead.
"You're burning up. Bed!" she helped me out of bed and into a nightdress, and then she tucked me in bed, and I fell asleep yet again.
I did not wake up for a long time. I know it was a long time, for I seem to remember days passing, but not what happened in them. I remember at some point Kera leaning over me, and telling me to let Legolas go, but I wouldn't.
"Well, what if he was in love with someone else?" she asked me. The thought hurt, but I got over it.
"Then I hope he's happy and that she treats him well."
"And if she's a he?"
"Then I hope he treats him well." That thought confused me a little.
"What if he's in love with me?" she demanded. I reached up to touch her cheek.
"Then I hope you're both very happy." I remember hearing her exasperated sigh, and then nothing more, until the dream.
I dreamt I was in a great field, dressed in a long gold dress with a long sky blue sheer overdress with slits all the way up the sides that billowed in a wind I could not feel. Then I saw someone approaching me, but I was only when he came closer did I recognise him.
He wore a dark green and black velvet tunic, and his long blonde hair was tied back with a black cord. His face was drawn and his eyes were sad. He held out a small crystal globe to me.
"You must choose." Legolas said sadly. I touched his face, but he was cold and motionless under my fingers.
"Choose what?" I asked him, confused.
"Choose your love, or your sanity. Look." He held out the globe, and as I looked in it, I saw myself, screaming and writhing on a table, to which my hands and ankles were tied. As the view got larger, I could see Legolas and Aragorn watching me, their expressions saddened. Then the view moved over Middle Earth, and the land was blackened and chaos reigned. Orc ran riot, killing and raping women and children while men died in battles where they were outnumbered by many thousands. Mordor burned in black smoke, which spread over the world and killed all that it touched.
"That is what could happen if you choose love." He said. "You shall lose yourself, and all that is held dear. You shall even lose me, for you will be too insane to see me. The line of Queens will die, for you can not raise children. Mordor will burn, and the world will crumble."
The view in the globe turned milky, and then I saw myself sitting on a throne in a great hall made of green stone, with two girls and a boy playing before me. I wore the crown of Mordor, and beside me sat a man. He was handsome, but it was not Legolas. As the view panned out, I saw Mordor green and flourishing, and as the view traveled across Middle Earth, I saw the land green and the people prosperous. But away in Mirkwood, I saw a single room, and by the window sat Legolas, pale and listless.
"If you choose sanity, you shall rule well and the land will flourish." Legolas said quietly. "the line of Mordor will continue, with two heirs to the throne. You shall have many loves, and shall bear them children to rule Mordor in future. Middle Earth will flourish and be green, and its people, of all races, will be happy and content. The wars will end, and peace will reign. And far from both body and mind, I shall fade. And you shall not remember me, nor mourn my passing."
I stepped back from Legolas and the clear globe. I truly didn't know what to do. Insane, I would be no good to anything, letting all I had ever known or trained for down. The world would rot and die. There would be no Middle Earth left.
If I chose sanity, I would rule well, the line would continue, and all really would be well with the world, and with its people. Peace would reign happily. But the one image kept returning to my mind, and Legolas' words echoed in my head. "And far from both body and mind, I shall fade. And you shall not remember me, nor mourn my passing." Was not one love better than many? But even should I choose love, I would be too insane to have it.
I could not choose both, as to be half-insane and half in love made no sense. It would never work. Then I thought back to what he said. "That is what could happen if you choose love." Could. Not would, or will. But could. I once promised Legolas I would choose love, no matter what. It was time to act on that promise, and take a chance.
"I choose love."
It was ridiculous. Any mention of Legolas made a shiver run down my spine, but there was no reason for it! I know it was not him that raped me the first night, and that it was not him that took me every night for nearly two months following that.
I was brought back to the present when Théodan laid his hand on my arm.
"Do not dwell on it." He said softly. "Let it pass."
"I think it will haunt me for a long time." I replied in a whisper.
"Then have my blessings." He said. He handed me a gold ring, and I nearly dropped it in surprise. It had been Lorilei's and before that, Théodan and Lorelei's mother's.
"But this is for Éowyn!" I exclaimed.
"No. Lorilei told me once to give it to you, as a sign between two kingdoms. I never understood that, but I promised to abide by her wish." I pulled a ring off my own finger. It was a gold one that I had made myself, when I had entertained an interest in jewelry making. It was plain gold, with a simple sun engraving. I handed it to Théodan.
"As a sign between two kingdoms." I said softly. Théodan looked at the engraving and frowned. Then he looked at my necklace, the sun pendant that hung from my neck as always,
"Would you not tell me your kingdom, then, my lady?" he asked with a bow.
"Not if it means two friends become two ambassadors." I answered, raising him from his bow. He smiled.
"I hope not."
"My kingdom was...is Anorondor, which is known more commonly now as Mordor." Théodan nodded, not very surprised.
"Yes, yes. I understand now." I raised an eyebrow. "There was a story, once, about a great lady who came among us, much as you did. She called herself Brial, and it is said that she was great friends with the Lady of Rohan at the time. But she lived an uncommonly long time, still young when all around her died. And a great sadness was around her, until one day she walked into Fangorn Forest, where it is said she passed, though the only thing people are sure of is that never again did Rohan see her."
"I have a great-grandmother many times over that was called Brial before she died. She too, should have been queen."
"You have only to call for Rohan's aid, Queen Eldira Jané, and you will have it."
"And you shall have any aid we might give you." I said as Kera came to stand beside me. I looked at her and she nodded. Then I hugged Théodan.
"You have been a great friend." I said fiercely. "I shall miss you."
"And I you. I hope our paths cross again." He said. Then he released me and stepped back. "Farewell, and may the sun always shine on your face." I smiled at that, and Kera looked startled, then she curtsied deeply. I slipped the small gold ring on my finger where the ring I had given Théodan had been , and it fitted perfectly.
"Farewell, also, King Théodan of Rohan." I said, mounting Enya. Kera mounted her own horse, Alai, and we trotted out of Edoras. When I looked back, I saw four figures on the veranda in front of Meddled, and then I turned my attention north.
We planned to travel north along the Misty Mountains, past Fangorn, Lorien and Mirkwood, up to the pass in the mountains where the Old Forest Road met the mountains. Once through the mountains, we would come out on the Great East Road, which led straight to Rivendell, where I planned on taking a rest from travelling, and also from remembering. I didn't care that I was running from my fears, only that I got away from them.
Along the journey, Kera asked what had actually happened. I told her. She was twenty-three now, and I could no longer protect her as I had done when she was a young child.
She was silent for a long time after I told her, and together we made good progress travelling north and following the Anduin. The further north we got, the colder it became, until we rode always with our hoods up and our cloaks wrapped around us.
The cloaks had been a gift from Éowyn, who had made them for us in secret, without even Kera knowing. The work was beautiful, and very well done. My cloak was navy blue with a red tree pattern along the front panels, while Kera's was green, with gold leaves embroidered up the front panels. They were made from thick velvet lined with thicker wool, and were very heavy, although they were incredibly warm, and kept all the wind and rain out.
At Dol Guldur we were forced to leave the path and enter Mirkwood because of a great blockage in the road. From the moment Enya's foot stepped into Mirkwood proper, I waited for Calren to find us. I knew it would not take long, as we had been watched since we started along the part of the path that passed closely to Mirkwood.
Calren did not disappoint, and we had barely passed the blockage when we were surrounded by Mirkwood elves.
"Ama." Kera whispered. It meant mother in elvish, but I knew she was not referring to me or even to her real mother, but to the Lady Goddess. The Elves did not realise this.
"Strangers, why do you travel in Mirkwood?" Calren asked. I raised my head and pushed back my hood.
"Because there is a blockage on the road, Calren." I answered. "Do you think I like giving you opportunities to bring me in?" he laughed.
"Wonderful to see you too, my lady Jané." He said with a laugh. "And this is your daughter?"
"This is the lady Kera." I said. She pushed her hood back also.
"Well?" he asked. "Do you have a reason, or must I bring you in?"
"I told you." I said tiredly. "There is a blockage on the road, and if you had cleared it, we would not have ventured into your territory."
"Which is what you say every time." Calren grinned. "But since you are in Mirkwood, let me extend our courtesy to you. It grows dark much faster in these woods – stay in our camp this night. I doubt Legolas would hear excuses if he discovered you died soon after leaving my company."
"Cheerful, isn't he?" Kera asked me quietly.
"it's the way he is." I answered with a grin, fully aware that he could hear us. "We will take you up on that offer." I said to Calren. "I would rather not meet my end in Mirkwood, of all the places of Middle Earth. Calren shrugged.
"We would be glad to have you."
The camp was a cheerful place, with singing and laughter. Kera and I joined in readily, and it seemed the elves got much amusement from us, though whether it was all from us or at us, I didn't know.
Early the following morning, I was readying Enya to travel on when someone touched me on the shoulder. I turned, and when I saw who it was, I gasped and took a step backwards.
Legolas looked confused, but he didn't say anything, except "My Lady."
"Legolas!" I said quietly. "When did you arrive?"
"Late in the night. We saw Calren's fire and joined him." I nodded, then turned back to Enya.
"Jané!" I turned to see Kera running towards us. "I just heard Legolas is here! Are we...oh." She saw Legolas and looked back and forwards between us before sinking into a curtsey. "My lord." She said. Legolas strode over and raised her.
"My lady. Welcome to Mirkwood." Kera smiled, but glanced at me worriedly.
"thank you, my lord. Though I believe we'll be leaving you all too soon. We are anxious to return to Rivendell." Legolas frowned.
"Taking the north path? You cant, not now. It'll be blocked from now until spring. All of them are." It was my turn to frown, annoyed at myself for not thinking of that. "You could alternatively go south, through the Gap of Rohan." Legolas said.
"No!" I cried before I could stop myself. Kera grabbed my hand and held on. Both my hands were shaking, something that had never happened before. Legolas, being the observant elf he is, noticed.
"What is wrong?" Legolas asked, grasping my hand in his own. The moment he touched me, I remembered how he had felt at Isengard, although it had only been another man disguised as Legolas. I snatched my hand back and stepped away, my eyes wide. Kera quickly stood between us.
"No, my lord." She said quickly in elvish. "Jané has had a very...trying time of late. None of which was your fault, but it involved you and she is still...recovering." Legolas frowned, confused.
"Very well." He said coldly. Then he turned and left. I promptly burst into tears, and Kera wrapped her arms around me, watching Legolas leave.
"Is she unwell?" a familiar voice sounded to my left, and I raised my head.
"Coping." I answered. Deiran narrowed his eyes and wiped away my tears. He looked over to where Legolas stood, talking with Calren, clearly about me, and then looked back to me. It suddenly struck me that Deiran could hear all that Legolas was saying to Calren, and I frowned, pulling away from Kera.
"My lady," Deiran began, "I would like to offer the hospitality of Mirkwood to you, if you are so opposed to the Gap of Rohan." Kera glanced at me.
"We would be honoured." Kera said. Deiran looked at me and I nodded with a sniff.
"Very well. Lady Jané, Lady Kera, I hope to speak with you later." He said with a bow. Then he joined Legolas, had a few words, and then disappeared into the forest.
We arrived at the palace of Mirkwood two days later. I had calmed down somewhat, although I was uncomfortable around Legolas, and he did not speak to me more than was necessary. This hurt, but I knew I deserved it, and I also knew I might freak out again if he touched me. Isengard would not leave my thoughts, despite Kera's chattering as she desperately tried to help me forget. Eventually I just touched her shoulder and told her to stop, as I was sure she was driving the elves crazy, and it wasn't helping me anyway. She looked saddened that she had been able to do nothing to help me, but she was quiet after that. That night she told me that she still blamed herself for it, and the fact that she could not help me made her feel worse. I could say nothing to make her feel better without lying to her, and I had never lied to her before and did not intend on starting then
We had not been long at the palace when one afternoon Kera knocked on my door. I let her in, and she looked agitated, wringing her hands, and refusing to meet my eyes.
"Kera, stop it!" I finally exclaimed. She was still. "What happened?"
"I'm sorry." She said. She looked up at me and finally met my eyes, and I knew what she had done.
"It is well, Kera." I said wearily. "he had to know, and I am glad it was not I who had to tell him. You told him all?"
"Everything you told me. He got very angry, especially when I said what he, or rather the other man, had done. He scared me."
"He is frightening when he is angry." I agreed. "He is an elf, and it is so easy to forget since they look so like we do. But now and again..."
"They remind you what they truly are." Kera finished. I nodded.
"It's alright, Kera. Like I said, he had to know, and I am glad I did not have to tell him, although I am sorry that burden fell to you." Kera shrugged.
"It is well. I am glad I could have done something. I feel so helpless when you..." I hugged her.
"I know you do, and I'm sorry." Kera grinned.
"Cheer up." She said, in a startling change of subject. "The library has books on Mordor I've never seen before." I pushed her towards the door.
"Enjoy." She left with a grin and a wave, and I pulled my dark blue cloak on, and went out to the gardens.
I trailed my hands across the leaves, feeling the different textures under my fingers. The light was fading, and now the gardens were tinted in shades of rose pink and gray.
"Watch your hands on the spined edula." Legolas said. I spun, and he stepped out of the shadow of a willow. I turned back to the plant in question and touched the end of one of the spines. It touched my finger and drew blood.
"They are sharp." I said.
"It would've torn your hand to shreds had you trailed it through that." I nodded.
"Thank you for stopping me." Legolas walked down the slight hill to stand next to me. He stared down at the spiny plant.
"Why did you not tell me?" he asked me suddenly, looking at me. I met his gaze and forced myself not to flinch, refusing to let myself remember the way his eyes had looked that one night. He seemed to see my struggle and looked away. "You cannot even look at me without flinching." He said bitterly. I forced myself to touch his arm. He looked at me sharply.
"I know it was not you." I said quietly. "I know. And yet..."
"You fear me." I looked down at the grass. Legolas turned so he faced me. He held out his hand. I looked at it, then at him. "Take it." He whispered. My mind told me to stop being silly, but my entire soul quivered and went cold. I slowly reached out my hand and laid it in his.
His hand was different from that of the Legolas of Isengard. His hands were cooler, and harder. His skin was callused differently, I suddenly realised. The Legolas of Isengard had hands callused the way Aragorn's were: by sword. This hand had been callused by the bow, not a sword.
I raised my eyes from our hands to his face, where he was watching me intently.
"I would never, ever, hurt you." He whispered. "Never." I closed my eyes, but tears still sprung from underneath them and trickled down my cheeks. Legolas did nothing, only stood there, my hand on top on his, and waited. When I opened my eyes he held out his other hand, and I laid my other hand on top of his, and this time he curled his fingers around it loosely, gently holding my hand.
"I told you once, a long time ago, that you could trust me, and that I wouldn't hurt you." He said softly. I remembered it well – I had woken from a nightmare in which all who I loved had turned against me, I think I was twelve at the time, just before I had left to go to Denarssa, and it was Legolas who had woken me. He had hugged me and made me tell him my dream, and then he had promised that I could always trust him and that he would never hurt me. That had held true for many things, throughout the time I had known him. "I meant it then, and it holds true now, melamin." The use of the endearment startled me, and my gaze flew to his face, searching. His hands tightened slightly on my own, and he took a step forward. I took a step back without thinking, and immediately regretted it. "Peace, little one." He said to me, his blue eyes holding mine. Then he let go of my hands and disappeared back towards the palace, leaving me in the gardens feeling undeniably stupid.
Winter solstice passed, and then Imbolc. Snow still fell heavily on the mountains, and the passes were still completely blocked. Legolas spent a lot of time allowing me to get used to him, and I imagine it was very trying work, as some days I was forward and easy with him, and other days I had only to look at him and I would be terrified. Legolas took this all in good humour, and with an amazing amount of patience.
One day I was sat in one of the many solars, the winter sunshine streaming through the tall windows, and a roaring fire warming the room. It was a lovely room, done in warm green and gold, with thick carpets and comfortable chairs. I had gone there to read, as the gardens were now much to cold. I had found a book on Mordor I had not read, and it talked about much I did not know. It was by one of the Queens, who had found her way here. Her name was Dernin, and she had been Brial's daughter.
It spoke of something called Melaendal, which translated loosely into common to mean 'love-curse'. Kera had actually found out about it first, and told me to read about it.
It seemed to happen every time a Queen fell in love. She would fall into madness, and would be forced to choose between her love and her sanity. To choose sanity meant she would forget all about her love for a person, and so they would become no more than an acquaintance. To choose love meant that the Queen would go insane. No Queen had ever chosen love, because you could not rule a country or bring up and heir if you were insane. I wondered at how many lovers were left rejected by a Queen who had loved them until she fell ill.
"Why the dark thoughts?" Legolas' voice startled me out of my reverie.
"Oh, nothing." I said with a smile. "I was just reading about something called Melaendal, that seems to afflict all the Queens when they fall in love." Legolas' face went blank.
"Love-curse. We know of that. One of our own was a victim of a Queen's choice."
"He faded." I said simply. Legolas nodded. I suddenly realised that was what he saw as his fate, provided I still loved him. "Legolas..."
"Don't, Jané." Legolas said abruptly. I fell silent.
"I would make a different choice, I think." I said slowly after a while. "Perhaps I am not as brave...as the others." Legolas turned away from me.
"You know you would choose sanity." He said harshly. "It is what you have been brought up to do. You have no choice."
"I thought the whole point of the curse was that you could choose." I answered. He turned to face me, and his features were drawn and cold, the blank mask that I feared above all else.
"Truly? Be reasonable, Jané. You have no choice. Since you have no heir, you must choose sanity. Even if it means forsaking..."
"You?" I asked softly. Legolas glared at me.
"I have other business to attend to." He said, standing quickly and striding to the door. Just as he left I made my choice.
"I choose love." The door shut with a slam.
A few days later I met Legolas in the gardens. The snow was hard underfoot, and I had taken the opportunity of the nice day to get out of the palace, which had always made me feel confined. I spotted Legolas walking across the garden, and scooping up a handful of snow, I flung the snowball at him. It hit him in the shoulder and he spun, looking around. I was the only other in the garden, and his gaze fixed on me. I then flung the second snowball I had been hiding behind my back. It hit him square in the face. He spluttered, his pale skin tinged pink. Then he scooped up his own handful of snow and I ran. He caught me up easily, the snowball hitting my shoulder. He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around, and I looked up innocently at his wet face, giggling under my breath. He raised an eyebrow.
"I'm not quite sure what you find so funny." He said haughtily. I pressed my lips together to stop my laughter, but it didn't work very well. Soon he, too, was laughing, right before he pressed a handful of snow into my face. When he pulled his hand away, I simply stared, too shocked to do anything else. Then he leant down and kissed me.
Memories of Isengard flashed through my mind, as they always did when he touched me, but I pushed them away firmly, putting my hands on his shoulders and rising onto my tiptoes. His hands went around my waist under my thick cloak, drawing me closer to him. Then he pulled away.
"I'm sorry." He said. I shook my head.
"It's alright." I took his hand and began to lead him up to the palace. He followed me obediently.
We came to my room, and I pulled him in and shut the door.. then I kissed him. His hands went around my waist, and my fingers worked at undoing the ties of his shirt. I had them undone and then I kissed his throat. He moved away.
"No, Jané." He said, stepping back and retying his shirt. He kissed my forehead and was gone before I could say anything. I flopped back on the bed.
I felt like a royal idiot, and I was a bit pissed off. I can't believe he said no! I stayed in my rooms for the rest of the evening, missing dinner, and Kera came to see me soon afterwards.
"You alright?" she asked me, slipping into the room. I nodded.
"And I'm a sheep's mother." She snapped sarcastically. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong?" so I told her, and when I had finished, she sat down on the bed next to me and started laughing.
"If you're going to laugh and me, you can leave and do it elsewhere." I snarled. She paused in her laughter.
"I'm not laughing at you...well, I am, but I'm laughing at the entire situation. By rejecting you, he's proved the one thing you couldn't – that the Legolas at Isengard really was a fake! Somehow I doubt that he would have rejected you." She had a point. "Anyway. I have to go, I'm busy...elsewhere." She rose, but I grabbed her wrist.
"Where elsewhere?" I asked mischievously.
"Nowhere elsewhere." She replied. I nodded seriously.
"Yes, I believe you. And I'm a sheep's mother. Now tell."
"I've met...a guy...and he's very nice." I nodded.
"What about Éomer?"
"We were more close friends than we were anything else. We tried, and it didn't work, so we decided to be friends."
"Very wise. So what's his name?"
"Andir. He's blonde, blue-eyed..." she realised how ridiculous she sounded. "And very nice." She finished.
"Indeed." I said with a grin. "Well, go have fun. And don't do anything I wouldn't."
"Yes, Ama." She said sarcastically. She turned and grinned when she reached the door. "Don't be too hard on him. After all, he did prove his evil twin was fake, not that you didn't already know." I rolled my eyes.
"Out!" she curtsied and left.
Legolas avoided me for a week before I managed to catch up with him.
"Legolas! Wait" I called, hitching up my skirts and running across the field to the other side where he paused, a hawk on one wrist.
"Jané." He said, his eyes meeting mine. "How are you?"
"Well, thank you. Look, I wanted to say thanks."
"For what?"
"For stopping me from being an idiot, and for knocking some sense into me."
"I don't understand." He said gravely.
"When you...told me no," I began, "you proved the one thing I couldn't – that you were you and the other Legolas was fake."
"So glad you came to that conclusion." Legolas said snappily, turning away. I grabbed his shoulder and made him face me again.
"I'm not done. I just wanted to say thanks, and that I love you." I kissed him on the lips and turned away. This time he grabbed my shoulders and spun me back, kissing me hard. When he finally drew back for air, I smiled.
"So. How are you?" I asked. He laughed in a way that I hadn't heard since I arrived here, and I suddenly released how much strain I had put on him.
"Better, now." He said.
"I'm sorry." I said, taking his free hand in my own. "For being such a..."
"Confused and scared human?" he asked, looking down at me from his superior height. We started walking along the edge of the wood, where open land met tall trees.
"When you put it like that, yes." I answered with a grin. His fingers squeezed mine, and I squeezed back. "You were very patient with me."
"Patience is something you learn when you're as old as I am." He said. He suddenly looked wistful, like he wished he was younger.
"Do not wish for the past." I said softly. "Or you will lose both present and future in it." Legolas nodded, and kissed my temple.
"You speak truly, as if from experience."
"Many times I have wished to see the elder Queens, and in seeking them often I have become lost in mine own past that I can seek neither their past nor my present." Legolas frowned. The hawk on his wrist fidgeted, and he flung her into the air where she flew away, sunlight catching the emerald feathers under her wings until she shined like sun-kissed jewels.
"Seeking the past can be dangerous." He cautioned.
"If one is not trained and prepared for it." I added. "I am. Have been, since I was eighteen. Many years ago." I said with a laugh.
"And always you grow more beautiful." He said, tucking a strand on curling black hair behind my ear.
"And your manners improve likewise." I said with an unladylike snort. "Flattery will get you nowhere." Legolas grinned.
"We should turn back." He said, "It shall take us at least an hour to return." I nodded, and we began to retrace our steps. The shrill call of his hawk caused many of the songbirds to silence themselves, and when Legolas held out his wrist and whistled, the hawk landed on his wrist in a flurry of wings, it's beak streaked red.
"You do not take her catch from her?" I asked.
"Not at the moment." He replied, stroked her chest with a finger. "In summer I will, but at this time of year she just needs the exercise."
"What's her name?" I asked, touching her chest feathers gingerly, half- expecting her to bite me.
"Luhta."
"Enchantment." I translated. "She's beautiful." Legolas nodded his agreement. We found Enya grazing calmly by a small stream which was frozen over. "Where's your horse?"
"Wandering." Legolas answered. He gave a sharp whistle, and the was an answering whinny from the forest, and soon a beautiful bay horse with cream man and tail cantered out of the woods, straight to Legolas. Luhta hopped from Legolas' wrist onto the pommel of his saddle, while Legolas stroked the horse's nose. I put my foot in the stirrup and pulled myself onto Enya, sitting sidesaddle as I was meant to, especially when wearing dresses, and trying to get comfortable in doing so.
I wasn't wearing the most sensible of dresses, a turquoise wool one with a square neck which meant I got a cold throat and long wide sleeves, which meant a cold draught went up my arms. It wasn't the ideal dress for riding in the northern parts of Mirkwood in February, but when I heard Legolas had gone out alone with his hawk I had thrown on a thick royal blue woolen mantle, pulled on blue suede gloves and ridden out. This now meant that I was trying to get comfortable sitting sidesaddle when I was wearing far too much skirt, and it kept bunching underneath me. Enya stood patiently while I tried to sort myself out and Legolas just watched in amusement.
"When you're quite finished." He said eventually.
"When you have ridden sidesaddle while wearing far too much thick long skirt then you may be impatient." I snapped good-naturedly. "Until then, keep your comments to yourself."
"Of course, my lady." He said, bowing from his position in the saddle. Sitting properly, I might add.
"Oh, shut up. Let's go, I'm freezing. I think my hands are about to fall off." He laughed, not feeling the cold very much at all, even though there was at least six inches of snow on the ground and looking like there was more to come, and we set off back to the palace.
We arrived back a little later than expected, in other words, in the middle of dinner. Legolas had gotten it in its head that it would be a good idea to make me look like an idiot, and so he chased me down the halls, laughing like a madman while I giggled hysterically, and straight into the dining hall. All conversation stopped the moment we ran in, although I'm not that surprised. I must have looked a mess, because I knew for a fact all my hair had fallen out of its twist and was lying anywhere it pleased around my head and shoulders, and I must have been flushed, both from the cold and the laughing. Legolas walked gravely beside me, and I hit him discretely on the leg with my glove. He hit me back, considerably harder, and I muffled a complaint, hitting him back.
This whole time we were walking up the middle of the hall towards the dais, where we normally ate. The other elves all sat around us, watching us curiously as we tried not to attract attention. I think I must have hit him too hard with my glove, because then he went over the top and tried to tickle me, in full view of everyone! I, being me and extremely ticklish, ran away with a shriek, and was chased up to the main table. Legolas caught me just before I reached it, and carried me up the steps, ignoring me while I entreated him to put me down. One of the servants pulled out my chair at Legolas' gesture, and he plonked me down on it, and poked me in the side before ruffling my already ruined hair and walking off. I tucked my desert spoon in my glove and threw it at him behind Thranduil's chair, and it hit him in the buttocks, and he wheeled around and stared at me incredulously.
"May I have my spoon back, please?" I asked sweetly, pursing my lips and raising my eyebrows at him. He was about to throw it at me, I could just tell, when Thranduil intervened.
"When you two have quite finished acting like children, there is a meal to be eaten." Thranduil took my glove and weighed it in his hand before emptying the spoon onto his palm. He passed me back both glove and spoon while I smiled politely and tried not to laugh as Legolas pulled faces at me behind Thranduil's back. When Thranduil turned back, Legolas quickly applied himself to his food. Dinner passed uneventfully after that, though Thranduil kept a close eye on us both.
After dinner, and the songs and stories that generally followed after, I stormed off to Legolas' room. When he opened the door, I threw a holly berry at him.
"That, is for making me look like an idiot." I said sweetly. He looked outraged. I threw another at him. I had a whole pocketful.
"That is for deliberately making me out to be the villain." I added. I threw another at him and he caught it. I threw the fourth before he had a chance to catch it and it bounced off his nose.
"That, is for interrupting my diatribe and catching my ammunition." I admonished. I began to throw the fifth when he caught me wrist and dragged me inside. He then dumped an entire silver bowl of dried rose potpourri on my head. I spat a rose at him that had gotten in my mouth, and threw a whole handful of holly berries at him, and brushed bits of rose petal and cinnamon out of my hair, moving to his mirror.
"Legolas!" I whined. "That's going to take forever to get out of my hair!"
"Don't be ridiculous." He said, snatching up a comb from the table by the mirror and combing the potpourri out of my loose hair. Soon the stuff littered the floor around our feet, and Legolas and I just stared at each other as he ran the comb through my hair. Then I turned and kissed him. And this time when I undid the ties to his shirt, he didn't stop me.
He was infinitely gentle with me, and soon took my mind off any memories of the cruelty of Isengard, which had long lingered in my mind and body. Legolas showed me exactly the meaning of love, and led me in a great dance in which we moved to each other's tune as though we had spent long learning the steps. He loved me in ways I had never thought possible, and I loved him with all my heart and soul in return. He swore to me then that he would love me always, and I knew it was true, and that my heart would love him long beyond the death and decay of my body.
I lay awake that night staring out of the window, my body spooned in Legolas', who had an arm over my waist, holding me to him as he slept. When I turned my face to look at him, his eyes were wide open, though his mind was far away as he dreamed. It was another detail I had missed at Isengard, I noted. The Legolas there had slept with closed eyes as humans do, not as the elves do.
"What are you thinking, love?" he asked me, awareness suddenly returning to his blue eyes as he blinked sleepily at me.
"That you're beautiful and I love you." I answered with a smile. He kissed my nose.
"Well, you took the words out of my mouth." He said with a wry grin. I yawned, snuggling into him, putting my head against his chest and listening to his slow heartbeat while he tightened his arms around me.
"I don't want to ever let go." He whispered in my ear. I smiled and pressed a kiss against his bare chest.
"I know the feeling."
When I woke the next morning Legolas had gone, but lying where he had been was a white rose, and I wondered how he had gotten it, since it was still icy cold outside and snow lay on the ground many inches thick.
The note by the rose said that he had gone out hunting with his father, and probably would not return until the following day or even the day after that. It said that he would miss me and long to return always, and other such sappy nonsense. It made me smile, and when I got out of bed I stretched, feeling languorous and generally very luxuriated. When I turned up at lunch, Kera just looked at me raised eyebrows and smiled, and I shot her a look that told her she was not my mother and to mind her own business.
She caught me just outside of the dining room, though, and drew me aside.
"You look very...well loved." She commented. I couldn't decide if she was teasing or was happy.
"I am well loved. And I feel lovely." I admitted. Kera laughed.
"That, dearest queen, is what happens when you are well loved by someone you love." She smiled. I rolled my eyes at her.
"And you would have much experience."
"More than you!" she retorted. "Even though you are more than three times my age." She added as an afterthought.
"But looking thrice as good." I replied sweetly, and she smacked my shoulder.
"A queen is modest. And anyway. I have plenty of experience. You didn't exactly chaperone me very well when I was growing up."
"Like you're grown up now." I scoffed.
"Way to prove my point." She smiled at me mischievously.
"Careful, Kera, or I might chaperone you around Andir. And think how that would ruin your plans." She pouted. I grinned. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to spend the afternoon basking in the sunlight and reading a book in the library."
I curled up, as I said I would, in one of the large armchairs that stood by the window in the strong winter sunshine. The book about Mordor and the Love-Curse was on my lap, but I couldn't concentrate and instead found myself chasing my thoughts around my head, unable to keep track of them for longer than twenty seconds.
This soon gave me a headache and I gave up altogether, letting the book sit untended on my lap as I stared out of the window where three small children threw snowballs at each other, shrieking and laughing. When I next checked the time I found I had been sitting there for hours, doing nothing and staring into space. I was just in time for dinner, although the dining hall was quiet, with many of the elves gone hunting with the King and their prince.
The next day my headache was equally as strong, if not stronger, and I felt dizzy and weak. I spent the day basking in the library, as I had spent the previous afternoon. But by noon I kept falling asleep and so I took myself off to my chambers, where I lay down and was instantly asleep.
Kera woke me around dinnertime.
"Did someone not get enough sleep a few nights back?" she teased. I groaned and stood up. My vision immediately went black and I stumbled back until I sat on the bed, my head between my knees.
"Jané, are you pregnant?" she asked me seriously. I rolled my eyes, my head still between my knees.
"Kera, be reasonable. I only slept with him night before last."
"Oh. Good point. Well made." Kera admitted. I nodded and sat up with a groan. Kera touched my forehead.
"You're burning up. Bed!" she helped me out of bed and into a nightdress, and then she tucked me in bed, and I fell asleep yet again.
I did not wake up for a long time. I know it was a long time, for I seem to remember days passing, but not what happened in them. I remember at some point Kera leaning over me, and telling me to let Legolas go, but I wouldn't.
"Well, what if he was in love with someone else?" she asked me. The thought hurt, but I got over it.
"Then I hope he's happy and that she treats him well."
"And if she's a he?"
"Then I hope he treats him well." That thought confused me a little.
"What if he's in love with me?" she demanded. I reached up to touch her cheek.
"Then I hope you're both very happy." I remember hearing her exasperated sigh, and then nothing more, until the dream.
I dreamt I was in a great field, dressed in a long gold dress with a long sky blue sheer overdress with slits all the way up the sides that billowed in a wind I could not feel. Then I saw someone approaching me, but I was only when he came closer did I recognise him.
He wore a dark green and black velvet tunic, and his long blonde hair was tied back with a black cord. His face was drawn and his eyes were sad. He held out a small crystal globe to me.
"You must choose." Legolas said sadly. I touched his face, but he was cold and motionless under my fingers.
"Choose what?" I asked him, confused.
"Choose your love, or your sanity. Look." He held out the globe, and as I looked in it, I saw myself, screaming and writhing on a table, to which my hands and ankles were tied. As the view got larger, I could see Legolas and Aragorn watching me, their expressions saddened. Then the view moved over Middle Earth, and the land was blackened and chaos reigned. Orc ran riot, killing and raping women and children while men died in battles where they were outnumbered by many thousands. Mordor burned in black smoke, which spread over the world and killed all that it touched.
"That is what could happen if you choose love." He said. "You shall lose yourself, and all that is held dear. You shall even lose me, for you will be too insane to see me. The line of Queens will die, for you can not raise children. Mordor will burn, and the world will crumble."
The view in the globe turned milky, and then I saw myself sitting on a throne in a great hall made of green stone, with two girls and a boy playing before me. I wore the crown of Mordor, and beside me sat a man. He was handsome, but it was not Legolas. As the view panned out, I saw Mordor green and flourishing, and as the view traveled across Middle Earth, I saw the land green and the people prosperous. But away in Mirkwood, I saw a single room, and by the window sat Legolas, pale and listless.
"If you choose sanity, you shall rule well and the land will flourish." Legolas said quietly. "the line of Mordor will continue, with two heirs to the throne. You shall have many loves, and shall bear them children to rule Mordor in future. Middle Earth will flourish and be green, and its people, of all races, will be happy and content. The wars will end, and peace will reign. And far from both body and mind, I shall fade. And you shall not remember me, nor mourn my passing."
I stepped back from Legolas and the clear globe. I truly didn't know what to do. Insane, I would be no good to anything, letting all I had ever known or trained for down. The world would rot and die. There would be no Middle Earth left.
If I chose sanity, I would rule well, the line would continue, and all really would be well with the world, and with its people. Peace would reign happily. But the one image kept returning to my mind, and Legolas' words echoed in my head. "And far from both body and mind, I shall fade. And you shall not remember me, nor mourn my passing." Was not one love better than many? But even should I choose love, I would be too insane to have it.
I could not choose both, as to be half-insane and half in love made no sense. It would never work. Then I thought back to what he said. "That is what could happen if you choose love." Could. Not would, or will. But could. I once promised Legolas I would choose love, no matter what. It was time to act on that promise, and take a chance.
"I choose love."