What's In Draco Malfoy's Room?
(It's like Cribs, only funnier and more homoerotic. Hey, that's the perfect combination.)
-Love poetry "Dammit! I never said you could look there! Oh, damn….oh, god, don't tell anybody, all right? And it's definitely not to Sev—I mean Professor Snape. And I never sent him any naked pictures, either. Never. I don't know why he said that….he can be so cruel sometimes….so ravishingly cruel….dammit, Draco, shut up!"
-Pictures of Crabbe and Goyle in a compromising position "Hey, I need blackmail. You never know when you might need to blackmail your henchmen. I mean, it's not like it's really shocking to anyone that they're lovers…they just don't want to be exposed. I know what that's like….because I have a gay, uh, cousin. Right. Cousin."
-Notes from Pansy Parkinson "She's a sweet girl. Really good person. There's nothing going on….though if I wasn't so busy with my schoolwork I would surely find the time to snog with her frequently because she is one fine lady. Too bad. She's definitely a hottie with a body and a cutie with a booty. Though, I must say, I personally believe that from a purely objective point of view the hottest ass at Hogwarts belongs to one Severus Snape….but Pansy's a close second.
-A picture of his mother "My mother is a very beautiful lady who is very kind. God knows why her name means self-centered. No, honestly, who names their kid Narcissa? Well, I'm named Draco, so I really can't talk. At least it's better than Harry….now that's an awful name. You know what name I really love, though? Severus. Isn't it a lovely name? Just rolls right off the tongue, especially when you're in your bed at night and everyone else in Slytherin is asleep and you whisper it tremulously to the night air…dammit, Draco! You're sounding like a bad fanfic! Though, really, when you think about it, I'm currently in a bad fanfic…whoa, trippy."
-Broomstick "I love my broomstick. It's very long. The wood is very hard. I enjoy riding my broomstick. I like riding it for long periods of time and….all right!!!! I'M GAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!! I, Draco Malfoy, am a homosexual! Whew, that feels a lot better. Good to get that off your chest. Oh, god….please don't tell Potter. I'll give you Galleons. Lots of Galleons. And sexual favors, if you're male. And even if you are going to tell him…I'll still give you the sexual favors if you scowl a lot and put grease in your hair."
-Picture of his father "I hate him. Just….because. He's so hateable. I mean, come on, he has less redeeming qualities than I do. And that, my friends, is saying something."
-A bong "Oh, come on, you were totally expecting that one. Yes, all the Slytherins are notorious tokers…but we're not as bad as Hufflepuff. Hey, with a name like that?"
And that's it for Draco Malfoy's room. Come on, it's his room at Hogwarts and it's really tiny. Thanks to crazy younger brother dud's, um, cousin for the idea. Hope you liked the broomstick part. Heh heh. Come on, something's just not right about those broomsticks.