Part Twenty-

Days went by and before I knew it, it was the week before Christmas. The hotel was full of busy holiday bustle and business. Demons were laying low and I was on my winter break from school. Keith had gone with his family to Aspen. He had invited me, but I had politely declined. Faith was still in her funk and still sickly. She wouldn't go to a doctor and insisted she was fine. Sometimes, I would catch her staring at the wall, not moving, barely breathing.

Too deep in thought.

I didn't bother her. I didn't know how to help her.

Angel was making a reappearance in my life, surprisingly. He would never get too close with me. Always on the other couch or on the other side of the table.

He was afraid of me. And, for me. If those weren't one in the same, themselves. We talked. Politely. Tolerantly. That's as close as I would allow myself to be with him. I didn't want to fall for him, and I knew I was dangerously close to doing so. Too close.

I sat in the lobby, trying to finish my biology homework. I could hear Connor screaming in the kitchen. I rubbed my temples and sighed. I closed the book and threw it on the couch across from me. This wasn't working.

The sun faded behind the clouds and I felt a cold chill go through my body. I looked around and saw it was considerably dark outside. I stood up curiously, walking slowly to the door. It was barely 2pm outside, why was it so dark? I flipped my hair as I walked to and out of the main doors.

I was instantly assaulted with inexplicable cold air, much colder than I had ever felt it. I let out a strange gasp of shock and looked up into the dark sky. Heavy clouds loomed above me. I shivered and started to smile.

Heavy white dustings filled the street, the air, the tops of buildings, and the leaves on the tall palm trees.

It was snowing.

I laughed, a long girlish laugh. One that I had never heard escape my own lips.

"It's snowing." I whispered to myself, smiling. I turned around fast, almost slipping, and ran back into the hotel. "It's snowing!" I shouted as I came to a halt near the doors.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. With wide eyes and a bright smile, I ran past everyone and out into the courtyard. The beds of flowers and giant bushes were covered in thick, white snow. In the dark light, it glimmered and shined. I felt like a little kid as I ran and jumped into a big, cold frosty pile.

Someone grabbed my shoulders and smashed a handful in my face.

I screamed in shock. Someone laughed.

"'S called a whitewash, there luv." A sickeningly sweet voice drawled.

I wiped the cold slush off of my face and glared into the laughing face of Spike. "That was evil." I said to him.

"What can I say?" He asked me, smirking. "I'm a vampire."

I snorted and pushed away from him. I felt giddy and happy as I played in the snow. This was part of a childhood that I had never known. Part of something that…never had been given to me. I didn't let my bitter thoughts ruin my mood. I heard a loud baby-like squeal and looked to the door. Connor was standing on the steps, his baby face grinning.

"Anna!" He cried, running toward me the way toddlers do, looking like little weeble-wobbles, never falling down.

I picked him up and swung him in my arms, trying to ignore orders from the Doctor that said to not pick up anything heavy, that swirled in my head. He giggled and laughed, his chubby little cheeks turning red from the cold. I saw he was wearing layers of clothes and tiny baby boots. I looked toward the window where Darla stood. With my eyes, I asked her if it was ok he was out here. She nodded and smiled.

I convinced Connor to help me make a snowman. We rolled a lopsided ball of snow for the base. Spike snorted from the side and tried to show us how to make a 'real' snowman. More people filtered outside. First Xander, then Cordelia, Anya, Wes, and the rest of them. Even Angel stopped what he was doing to come out. He stopped just outside of the door, staring at the snow, his eyes shadowed as he thought. He seemed to be remembering a yesterday that I could never even fathom.

I was busy staring at him, trying to figure out what he saw and I never saw it coming. A heavy weight threw itself on me and I fell breathlessly to the cold, wet ground. I gasped and looked up. Spike had tackled me to the ground and was grinning toothily at me.

"Got ya, pet." He smirked, seeming slightly childish.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "I was unprepared and you startled me." I remarked, with a false air of snobbery.

"Oh whatever, luv." Spike scoffed, chuckling.

"Get off me." I grumbled, pushing him to the ground beside me.

I got on my feet and shivered. I was soaked to the bone. I looked up into the dark, snow-filled clouds and my mind was drifted away into a memory I had never lived.

*

I was standing on cold, hard ground. I could see a town below me, below the hill I stood upon. The wind blew and I could see dark clouds covering the night sky.

"Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends." A pleading voice cried into the cold night, a voice that sounded very much like my own. "But, if you die now, all that you ever were was a monster." I realized it was myself talking.

I had no control over the spill of frantic, pleading words that left my mouth.

"Angel, please!" I begged, seeing near the edge of the steep knoll. "The sun is coming up!"

The sky began to lighten slightly and my heart tightened in fearful panic.

"Just go." Angel said in a dead, but firm voice.

He looked so haunted, so worn. God, what was going on?

"I won't!" I yelled defiantly.

"What, do you think this is simple?" He asked, sounding chocked and mocking. "You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done! Now go!" He yelled, getting angrier by the second.

"You are not staying here." I gritted out, walking up to him, grabbing his arm. ""I won't let you!"

"I said LEAVE!" He screamed, seeming to lose control of himself. He pulled free of my grasp

I reacted with a sob stuck in my throat. I reared back my arm and punched him in the face, desperate to get through to him. Angel lost control, pushing me away from him roughly. I fell to the ground painfully, getting a mouthful of hard, cold dirt. I became dizzy and blacked out for a moment.

I heard Angel murmur in shock. "Oh my God…" He strode over to me and crouched beside me, grabbing me harshly by the shoulders and pulling me to face him.

My heart beat wildly in my chest. "No, no!" I cried out, wincing away from him.

His grip became vice-like and he shook me fiercely. "Am I a thing worth saving, huh?!" He screamed in my face. "Am I a righteous man?" He cried out, shaking me again. "The world wants me gone!"

"What about me?" I sobbed. "I loved you so much…and I tried to make you go away!" I bawled like a child. "I killed you and it didn't work!" I pushed him off of me and scrambled to my feet. "And, I hate it!" I screamed. "I hate that it's *so* hard and that you can hurt me *so* much…" I sobbed, my shoulders heaving. "I know everything that you did, because you did it to me!" I spit out at him, my words stinging. "Oh, God! I wish I wished you were dead!" I screamed at him, then broke. "I don't… I can't." I whimpered.

"Buffy, please" Angel whimpered, getting up and stumbling towards me. "Just this once, let me be strong." He begged.

Something inside of me snapped. "Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's everyday. It's what we have to do, and we can't do it together."

Angel looked torn.

"But, if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn." I spat out. "If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, than I don't know what can. But, do *not* expect me to watch. And, *don't* expect me to mourn for you, because…" I broke off my voice trailing away.

It's snowing.

*

I blinked. The falling snow was getting into my eyes. I could hear Connor's squeals in the distance. My brow furrowed as I sat up and looked around. I wasn't on the hill anymore, I was in the courtyard, sitting in the wet snow.

I shook my head, confused. What in the world had just happened?

"You ok?" A voice asked me.

Spike was sitting next to me, his hand on my shoulder.

I nodded slowly. "Uh-huh. I'm fine, I think…" I said slowly.

"What happened?" He asked me, looking as confused as I felt.

I forced a laugh and shrugged. "I guess I just drifted off for a moment."

Spike still had a strange look on his face, but let it go.

I laughed again. "I'm freezing!" I got up and walked to the door.

Angel still stood outside, his gaze now on me.

Our eyes met and something connected between us. I knew something, something personal and important. Whatever I had seen, whatever I had just relived, it was true. It wasn't some hallucination, or some illusion. It was real. I could see that clear as day reflected in Angel's eyes.

I slowly walked past him, my eyes never leaving his.

"Have you ever seen snow, Angel?" I asked him quietly.

He looked stricken. "Once. A long time ago."

"With Buffy?" I asked him.

He paused, his eyes dark. "Yes."

I nodded to myself and continued walking. I ran up to my room and locked my door. I shed off my frozen clothes and wrapped myself up in a comforter. I curled up on my sofa and grabbed the thick file Wesley had given me.

The flash, that glimpse into the past, it had been different than the other. I could see where I was. I could smell, hear, and feel everything around me as if I had lived through the ordeal myself.

I was shaking as I clutched the file to my chest. What was going on? Why was this happening to me? I was scared. I didn't know what was happening, or how much everything was changing. Holes were being replaced by blurry truths and I was too scared to find out what they meant. I didn't know why I had a file on the life of a girl named Buffy. I didn't know why I was reliving her life in little flashes.

How important could this girl be?

And why…why was she connected to me?