"But you're dead!" Zoey blurted when he introduced himself. She vaguely remembered some late night talks with CJ, during the reelection campaign, and more than that, she remembered CJ's tears. He died in New York, in some botched attempt to thwart a robbery or something…

"Yeah, those reports were greatly exaggerated," he sighed, and looked so sad she wanted to hug him. ""I may very well be dead for real when my little brother and my former protectee find out…" he shook his head and smiled ruefully at Zoey. "Try to put in a good word for me with CJ, if you get the chance."

Zoey nodded. She went over to him and hugged him, than kissed his cheek quickly. "Thank you for keeping me safe," she whispered.

**********

Danny Concannon slammed his phone down and cursed for a full minute before getting himself under control. He had to find CJ before the briefing.

He was too late.

"CJ! CJ!" The familiar chorus erupted immediately after the jubilant Press secretary announced that Zoey Bartlet was safe, her kidnappers captured. The FBI and Secret Service were preparing statements, and until they gave her the OK, CJ said, she couldn't comment on anything that led to the First Daughter's rescue.

"Questions! Mike?"

"CJ I have a source that says the rescue was made possible by a year-long undercover work of Secret Service agent Simon Donovan. Can you comment on that?"

Shit, thought Danny. OH, SHIT!

The silence that suddenly filled the room was almost deafening in quality. CJ's face had drained of color so fast Carol was amazed her boss remained standing. Most people in the room remembered the awful days after CJ's stalker was caught. Though she remained professional, her intense grief was so raw, so close to the surface, it was impossible to hide. Mike was new, and hasn't been there last year, or he would have known not to ambush CJ that way. Now, he was feeling alarmed at the looks he was getting from people. The press corps wasn't known for its kindness and generosity, but this was different.

"I…I…can't comment…we'll have a statement…shortly." No one knew how she did it, but CJ stayed at the lectern, holding on to it as it were a lifeline. The reporters in the room, admiring her professionalism, stuck to trivia and let her get away after several short minutes. Minutes that felt like a lifetime to CJ.

Ron Buterfield was waiting in her office when she got there. So were Leo and Toby. She looked from one to the other and carefully closed the door.

"CJ," Ron began slowly but she cut him off.

"Is it true?"

Ron nodded.

"Does the Secret Service have ANOTHER Special Agent Simon Donovan?"

Ron shook his head. As if in a dream, CJ watched Toby move towards her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. He guided her to the couch and sat her down.

 I was trying to move on with my life, CJ thought desperately. I was trying so hard – I even tried to convince myself that I could rekindle those old feelings for Danny. All so that I can prove to myself I can move on, I can still live when Simon…didn't.

"He fought us so hard on that one," said Ron softly. "He wanted you to know, CJ. He wanted you to know…This wasn't up to him. It wasn't a choice, and what he did says nothing about the way he felt about you. He didn't realize we were going to take him that night."

"OK," CJ said quietly. "Can everyone leave, please?"

Before he left, Ron handed CJ a card. "Simon's contact information," he said. When the door closed, CJ demolished the card without ever looking at it, dropping the pieces in the trash can. Than she lay on the couch, pulled her afghan over her head, and cried and cried.

Danny knocked on her door several minutes later.

"Go away," from her voice he knew she'd been crying. He opened the door and went in. He sat himself down on the edge of the couch.

CJ's tear-stricken face and red eyes peeked from under the afghan. "What do you want, Daniel? I said go away."

"I thought you might want to know…details. I have a source who told me about Simon's involvement right before the briefing. I tried to find you, but you were already…" he sighed. "I'd hoped I was the only one with the information, but I wouldn't be surprised if Mike and I have the same source. He's a greedy SOB."

"Danny, why should I care when I can just ask Ron?"

"I don't know. So you can compare stories?"

"You think that's funny?"

"No, I was serious. I don't know if Ron is allowed to tell you everything."

"It doesn't make a difference."

"OK, but, just so you know, if you ever want the details, you know where to find me."

"I'm going home," she told Toby, her tone warning him not to try and pull rank on her. She knew she was needed, now more than ever, with the President about to resume power and the Secret Service and FBI making their statements. Leaving now could get her fired. She really didn't care. If she'd ever sunk lower professionally, CJ couldn't remember it.

"I'm going to see the babies. Come with me, I'll drop you home afterwards." The true measure of a friend, thought CJ, was how he reacted in a time of crisis. Toby was needed in the White House just as much as she was right now, but his first priority was his closest friend. Someday, she vowed silently, she will find a way to thank him for being there whenever she needed him.

They stood at the nursery window looking at the babies.

"I could look at them for hours," CJ smiled. "They're so sweet, Toby."

"Think Huck would look good with a beard?"

CJ burst out laughing, and playfully punched Toby in the arm. "How about you let him…oh, I don't know, reach puberty first?"

"Oh, if I must," Toby sighed, and they returned to gazing at his children.

In the car, on the way home, with the happy interlude over, CJ's thoughts swarmed around her core of pain.

"Toby?"

"Hmmm…?"

"Why is it that I'm so angry? I can't seem to get through the sense of betrayal, and I almost…hate him. Why am I feeling this way, when Ron told me Simon fought for the right to tell me, and wasn't allowed to? I mean, what's wrong with me? And I didn't even know him that long, not that it stopped me from…" she couldn't finish that thought.

He sighed, and said softly, "Maybe because it's easier to be angry…or sad…when you expect the world to keep hurting you. It's easier than admitting you love, or could love, someone whose job can result in a real loss to you – next time, he may not turn out to be alive." He was silent for a minute, than continued softly, "The trouble is, when you surround yourself with anger, or sadness, because you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop…you miss out on the chance at happiness. As fleeting as that happiness may be, I think it still beats living in anger, or pain. Sometimes, we don't learn this lesson until it's too late, and that chance is long gone."

CJ looked at him, and that particular set of his jaw she recognized too well. "What happened at the house, Toby?" She asked softly.

He shook his head. "We're not talking about me now. Except…I hope you don't repeat my mistakes. You…just listen to my experience, OK?"

She nodded, and they were silent for the rest of the ride. He dropped her off at home, and she went upstairs, deep in thought. She had a lot to consider.