I cannot believe it's taken me this long to write a 2000 word chapter. I hate writer's block. I'm sorry everyone, you're welcome to throw virtual rotten vegetables at me. I changed the way the story was going at the spur of the moment and left myself in a bit of a muddle so I've been desperately trying to fix it, and I think I have so I'll post far more regularly over the next couple of weeks while I'm holiday. Anyway, the more important things, are you all basking in the warm glow RotK gave you? It was wonderful; I so want a pet Shelob. We'd have fun, I wouldn't be able to look at her or anything, but hell, she'd shut the cat up and make a good conversation starting point. But remember children, a Shelob's for life, not just for Christmas. I actually like Sam. Hmph. I was doing so well at hating him. Are any of you going to have a white xmas? Here, in London, we're having our traditional seasonal weather. That's right, it's pissing down. Grr. Normal, but still, grr.

Anyhoo, I plan to post on xmas eve, but if I don't, have a wonderful xmas everyone, with lots of good food, a roaring open fire and roast Gollum with all the trimmings. Is that right? I'm a vegetarian, the whole turkey thing confuses me.

This chapter is for Grumpy, simply because of his deprivation of RotK and the fact he seems to be on the verge of bursting and that's not healthy. I don't even know if you're a bloke, I just think of the seven dwarfs, so to me you'll always be a wee man living in the forest with your six "friends" and that chick.

Chapter Seventeen: Unhappy Reunions  

The naked gleam of the steel shone uncomfortably in the cold moonlight. He stared agitatedly at his wrist willing the blade to slice into his skin and end it all. He was ready. His whole body shook; a mixture of fear and an unbearable chill invading his body one more. He was more than just cold. It was consuming him. A low rumble in the distance distracted him momentarily but he quickly turned his attention back. Taking a deep breath, he flicked the shining knife across his trembling wrist. He let out a pained yelp and dropped it to the ground, glancing at the cut. It was only a scratch. It barely even bled and only stung a little.

Estel growled in frustration. Why couldn't he do it?

Lifting the blade from the sprawling sinews of dying grass, he stared at his reflection in the moonlight, a thin rim of scarlet framing the cold steel. It sickened him. A pale, gaunt, gangly creature looked back at him. He didn't recognise his reflection anymore. He didn't want to. How could he let it happen? All those years of training himself to defeat any kind of threat, and he couldn't stop one man.

One man.

An ashamed fury burnt again within him, he doubted it would ever stop. His cheeks flushed; too embarrassed to even look at himself. Estel slammed the knife back to the ground angrily. This wasn't normal. Why couldn't he be that person he was just a month ago? He couldn't face his family. Would they be able to tell immediately, or would Legolas tell them? He could already see their faces; the disbelieving disappointment, repulsion, feigned pity. He'd already seen that look in Legolas' eyes and he hated it. He hated feeling like a pathetic little boy. He wasn't a child. He was old enough to look after himself, old enough to defend himself. But he had failed. Too many times he had failed, and he was failing now as well.

This was stupid. He wasn't afraid of death. He never had been. He had never wanted to die, but he was never frightened of it. He didn't want it to end here though. His brothers had taught him to be a fighter. Was this a battle he wanted to win? But what if Raenir was lying? What if he could simply not tell them and carry on as normal? Nothing was stopping him. Except Legolas, but he would not speak a word if he begged him. He had hidden things from his family a thousand times over, why should this be any different?

He peered at him from a distance; a mixture of relief and anxiety ate at him. His heart thumped in his chest nervously, and he glanced to his sons at his flank, their long dark hair fluttering in the breeze. Their faces were marked with the same fear, but there was a twinkle of optimism that was not there before. It had been a lumbering and frustrating fortnight. Their search had been hard and slow, there was little to track and everyone had lost hope at one point. But they didn't stop looking; they wouldn't until they found them, dead or alive. And there he was, lying there, stirring gently. Only one lay there. Legolas.

They rode toward him, until the gentle glow of the fire lit up their fair faces. Kneeling down beside the prince, Lord Elrond squeezed his shoulder lightly, knowing it would be enough to wake him. His eyes fluttered open, slowly focussing on the dark haired being above him. He flinched, startled but a relieved smile lit up his bruised features.

"You are hurt, Legolas, stay where you are." He said calmly.

The fair elf almost laughed, but could not think what to say. A wave of relief smothering his senses, and all the pain he was in seemed to diminish. Two familiar faces came into view with grim expressions, their blue eyes tinged with a great sadness.

"We are glad to find you, friend." Elladan said quietly, resting his palm gently on Legolas' cheek.

"And I have never been so pleased to see your ugly faces!" He grinned. "Can you not even manage a smile for us?"

The pair glanced at one another and then to the older elf lord, confused.

"Us? Are you saying Estel still lives?"

The fair elf frowned. "Yes, the monster tried drug me not ten minutes ago-" He looked at the glittering stars in the inky black sky irritably. "Perhaps a little longer. Where is he?"

Relieved smiles spread across their fair faces and they scanned their surroundings desperately but a grim hush and an empty view greeted them. A loud horn suddenly boomed from Elrohir's lips and a low rumble erupted from the nearby hills. Several figures appeared; elves Legolas recognised from Rivendell and Gandalf, who looked exhausted but relieved at the sight, a gentle smile lighting his haggard features. More elves emerged until there were around fifty in full view; some remained elegantly perched on their steeds, while others were already spreading out on foot in search of the young human.  

"He must be nearby… collecting firewood or-" He paused, his eyes falling upon the state of Raenir. Blood dribbled from his mouth and a boot print was imprinted on his jaw where no such wound had been before. "Estel?" He cried out anxiously. "Estel?!"

He recognised those voices. Estel was terrified, but at the same time he heart was overjoyed. Looking down at the blade, he flinched and ran his fingers over it, picking it up loosely. He could do this. As long as they didn't know then he could move on, pretend like nothing had happened. If he could hide his injuries, smile and just be the person he used to be. The person he wanted to be. He stuffed the paper into his pocket and stood up. Taking a deep breath, he stepped forward, into the gap in the hedgerow.

Estel stared at them, his eyes widening at the sheer number around him. His heart quickened, cheeks reddening. His gaze fell upon his brothers, father and the bleary but relieved looking Legolas, and his lip trembled. Butterflies raced in his stomach. He felt sick. He couldn't hide this. A tear rolled down his skin, the knife shaking in his panicky grip. His friend's eyes suddenly met his, the elf grinning warmly, alerting the young human's family hastily. All their eyes quickly fell upon him, thankful, relieved smiles lighting up their tired faces. Estel didn't move, trapped in their gaze. Elladan and Elrohir took a few steps toward him, huge beams spread across their faces, but they paused, and Elrond strayed past them silently. In his usual understated fashion, there was only a small smile on his pale face. Kneeling down in front of him, he ran his fingers through the child's hair, touching his jaw tenderly.

Panic rose inside him, that all too familiar feeling haunting Estel once more. His skin crawled and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Carinyc had done the exact same thing, just as gently, the same smirk on his face.  

He couldn't bare his own family to touch him.  

His heart sank. Both his father's hands were on his face, and Estel felt the soft kiss on the forehead that Elrond always gave him. His stomach churned, a cold sweat forming on his skin. The dark haired human shirked away, pushing Elrond's chin roughly out of reach. Stumbling back a few steps, Estel looked at the troubled elf.

"I'm sorry, Ada." He whispered, tears streaming down his face.

"You do not need to speak words like these, there is nothing to apologise for, my son."

This only made Estel weep harder. "You do not understand!" He cried sadly. "None of you do. None of you ever will."

"Estel-" The elf moved toward the trembling child and held his shoulders firmly. "You will always be safe with me." He murmured, but felt him tense in his grip.

The young human didn't feel safe. He felt ill at the person, whom he had loved and trusted without question, being so close. He hated everyone looking at him. Their eyes stung his skin, burnt his cheeks, and froze his veins like streams in the harshest of winters. He wanted the ground to swallow him up; he needed to be as far away from these faces and their hurtful eyes as possible. Never had he felt so vulnerable in his life. Where was his control? He'd always been able to show exactly what he felt comfortable with, and hide his fears. That was gone. It was all gone and now his father stood in front of him, seeking affection that Estel couldn't bear to give.

Estel let out a choked last apology and began to pull away from his foster father once more. The elder being's heart almost broke. He barely even recognised the sobbing boy, his adopted son, whose beautiful eyes would light up his darkest days, but now were a never ending spiral of emptiness with only the briefest flash of worry to prove he was still there. Now, Estel was trying to get away from him, he was right; he didn't understand. Elrond's grip instinctively tightened around him, he didn't want to let him go.

Estel's lip trembled harder. He couldn't stay here. This was worse than he feared. He felt suffocated. The more he tried to hold Elrond's gaze, the worse he felt. He was too ashamed. This wasn't how it was supposed to be; he was supposed to be overjoyed to see his family again, for this to be over. But he wasn't. He couldn't stand it. It wasn't over. It never would be. The panicking child scrambled away from the ebony haired elf, his arms flailing as he desperately tried to get away. Elrond clung on anxiously, but didn't want to hurt the already wounded child and simply held onto Estel's hand as tears threatened to fall down his own cheeks.

"Ada, please-" He squealed frantically, twisting his arm so that his father he no longer restrain him.

He sped through the field, unsure of where he was going. The dry grass scratched at his breeches, his feet thudding against the ground. Elrond was following him; Estel could hear him crying his name frantically. He couldn't do this. He didn't want to. Too embarrassed to look at his father, too angry with himself for letting Carinyc do what he did, too scared of Legolas making him face up to his demons. It was too much. His head reeled and he suddenly found himself sitting on the ground. His small body shook violently with fear and he stared at his wrist, his vision blurred with tears. The moon glared down at him, the cold bluish glow smothering his exposed skin. The striking line of crimson from his first attempt screamed up at him as a guide.

This was the only way. The small blade gleamed attractively and he glanced at his reflection in the steel once more. He hated it. Taking a deep breath, he dug the knife in, sweeping it across his wrist with a sad determination.

He'd cut deeply; he could feel it.

The searing pain barely registered and he dropped the bloodstained weapon to the ground beside him. He watched the blood pour down his arm, soaking into his tunic and trousers. A sense of relief flowed as quickly as his wound bled, but anxiety lingered. Every second felt like an hour. He just wanted it to end. Now. He didn't want his father to find him conscious. Estel's thoughts began to drift uncomfortably, his vision clouding, but he felt footsteps padding the ground near him.

Elrond skipped through the dry grass, frantically scanning the deserted field for his youngest son. He heard a gentle gasp and his eyes flicked to the left, quickly settling on a small thicket. Running toward it with a soft smile to greet his son, he froze in his tracks. Estel looked up at him wide-eyed, his face a picture of worry. Sinking to his knees beside him, the elf quickly removed his cloak and wrapped it around the blood soaked limb, pulling the trembling child into his arms.

"Forgive me, Ada."

Estel's muffled voice was ragged and the tall being felt him go limp.

TBC…

I know it's not much, but hopefully I'll post again before Christmas.

Thank you to my lovely reviewers, who are being very patient with my inconsistent posts at the mo. Love you all!

Silvertoekee – Killing Raenir was the original plan admittedly, but I have something in mind for the wanker. Sorry, I seem to be saying that word a lot recently. Bloody wanking Fifa and their arse licking wankers of a bitch the FA. Err… please ignore that, I'm tired and bitter.

Crystal chan – Ah, you learn something new everyday. But if I hit you with one, it would be a good ice breaker, wouldn't it? Technically, isn't a grenade an exploding can? It's no good telling me you're not a terrorist, it's the CIA you have to convince. Plead ignorance, dude. Oh, and I hope you're feeling better now!

Alex mistress of the ones who torment my cat – Eh, not much meat on the poor Iraqis, feed some Texans to them. You almost cried? So did I, but hopefully not for the same reasons, I'm not happy with any of these chapters. I'm already planning the next two sequels after this, so I really need to get my head back on track for the last few chapters of this. Aargh!

Maranwe1 – Aah, you were supposed to get lost on that bit. I love my Hugo. I love Orli and Viggo and Dom and Elijah, not to mention Billy and dude who plays Eomer more, but Hugo is the man I adore but have no idea why, so he has a special place in my heart. I hate Shakespeare too, I'm doing The Tempest for coursework so I know how you feel! Poems are infinitely more annoying though, esp when you have an evil bitch whore from hell (my previous nickname for Eowyn, but I don't hate her anymore so the torch moves on)

Trustingfriendship – It almost happened I guess, seriously, I'm not that nice. There are a few twists and emotional rollercoasters to go yet I'm afraid.

Luinthien – Of course I left it there, I've been too nice with cliffhangers recently. Mehehe. I am neither responsible for your heartburn, nor for my actions that could get me arrested. I couldn't do prison, there's something about communal showers that give me the willies. Yup, I know that sounds wrong.

Darkphoenix – Face my fears? Nah, lawyers creep me out but snakes terrify me and I refuse to see how conquering that fear will improve my quality of life. It's a healthy fear. Where was I? I found myself like Posh last night. Aargh! She was a good sport on Jonathan Ross and even had a go with Gandalf's pipe. Maybe divorce is off the cards, but hell, I wouldn't have Mr Beckham with you anyway, you can have Rio Ferdinand, he needs a job for the next 8 months, why not personal slave to lawyer person?

BabeyRachey – Like I'd kill Estel. *Cough*

TigerLily713 – Angst, anger, pain. Yup, that pretty much sums up this fic, and doncha just love it? Mwahahahaha.

M J Rosemary – Wow, with a vocabulary like that, you could take Donald Rumsfeld's place. *Ducks*

Farscapeangel – Finally, someone admits they like all the angst, instead of reading it happily and then whinging. I thank you.

Grumpy – You make a very valid point. But arguably Viggo would still exist and I can just enjoy him instead. Mwahahahaha! How did you know I had a knife?! Oh wait, you were talking about Estel. Err… hey look, umm… Saddam Hussain's escaping on a flamingo. *Quickly discards sharp object* My mistake, it's just a pigeon.

Arayelle Lynn – I'm being cruel because I enjoy it. You do too. So does everyone here. Stop whining or I'll kill the little brat!

Arwen-evenstar2 – Hmm… killing Arwen, is that really such a bad thing? Leaves Aragorn for me, I like that plan. Thank you, you're very kind, just don't fall off the seat cos then you wouldn't be able to review, would you? *Smiles sweetly*

MidnightLoner – I hope I showed how hard it is to do it, if you think I've portrayed it badly, please feel free to give me some pointers. Well, Elrond and his merry men 'finding him' and 'in time' are two very different things aren't they…

Leggylover03 – Sorry it took so long to update, where's your seasonal cheer? Washed away with the torrential rain like mine? Look out for the next chapter on xmas eve!

Lita of Jupiter – You have a stash of elves? Do share. You can have Neo, but Jack and Will…that's a different story all together. *Aims Nuke in Jupiter's direction* Hand them over missy. I found one your fangirls too, she got stuck in my chimney but I've managed to tame her, can I keep it? I'll take her out for walks everyday! I miss old Estel too, but we'll find him again, I promise, wait until my next story (February 04) and he'll be back. I can't believe you've got their corpses on your wall, I should be appalled, but can I come round and poke them with chopsticks?

Tithen Min – You're alive! It's been too normal without you. Come back from Tahoe or I'll cry and I don't ever cry (unless you count the 7 times during RotK oh and yesterday's episode of Angel) Oh and update SoS, I'll have to read the previous chapters cos I can't remember what's happening!