Interlude: The Amazing Adventures of Bakura, Sales Executive.
Bakura, looking pretty darn snappy in his professional business suit, prepared to go out into his new career.
Unfortunately…
~Bakura, this is stupid.~ Evil Bakura thought.
What?! YOU are the one we suggested we accept this job!
~I know… but honest work? It goes against my principles!~
You have principles?
~Of course! 'If you want something, kill the owner in an insidious manner and take it.~
… … … yep, that's you alright. Listen, you want snack cakes, don't you? You need money for those.
~I've never needed it in the past.~
I am NOT letting you kill any more convenience store owners!
~They weren't DEAD, they were just mindless, walking corpses whose souls have been forever banished to the Shadow Realm.~
If it's possible, that is actually WORSE! No, from now on we need to have money, and for that we need a job.
~Bakura… I think, that for the first time in your miserable existence, you may actually be right!~
. . . thanks?
~I've been far too complacent, just sitting around and waiting for the keys to world domination to fall into my lap. I need to seek them out, and to do that I need funding! ONWARD, INTO THE WORLD OF COMMERCE!~ Evil Bakura proclaimed.
That's the spirit!
~Oh, shut up. You're a moron.~
You know you love me.
~I hate you!~
No, you don't. I'm too loveable.
~Kid, I've encountered festering plagues I like more than you. And that suit makes you look like a catholic schoolgirl.~
Aw,
you just say that so nobody knows what a big softie you are! Why, just yesterday didn't you bring home an
injured puppy?
Evil Bakura
spiritually smirked. ~You mean the one we had for dinner?~
Oh, my god. That... is…
~What? It's just an animal, and I happen to think Chinese food tastes better with a little dog mixed in.~
We ate ITALIAN last night! Oh dear lord, I thought the sauce tasted funny…
Evil Bakura chuckled. ~Honestly Bakura, do you seriously think I'd eat dog? That's demeaning!~
Oh, thank god.
~No, there was only dog in the food YOU ate.~
I think I'm gonna be sick…
~Bakura, relax. I'm joking.~
Oh, that's good.
~It was cat.~
Bakura ran to the bathroom and threw up. Twice. Inside his Ring, Evil Bakura chuckled sadistically. He had, in truth, not slipped anything unusual into Bakura's meal (at least not recently. That one time, when he'd stuck a live Egyptian asp inside Bakura's submarine sandwich, now THAT had been funny). He HAD brought a dog home, but he certainly wasn't going to kill it. Animals were much more likable than people. No, he had big plans for that dog, he had a hunch that with the proper training and a few years locked in a closet, he could condition it to attack Yami on sight. The thought of the unpleasantly arrogant Pharaoh fighting for his life against a bloodthirsty beast never failed to make Evil Bakura grin.
After an hour or so of his
Yami's taunting, Bakura gathered up his courage, forced down his disgust, and
sallied forth into the exciting world of sales.
Where, oh where to begin?
My dear, this town is far larger than it looks, isn't it?
~::Sigh::. Do I have to do everything? We go to the people who have the most material wealth, you indescribable dolt!~
Ah, you always have the best ideas!
Whistling happily, Bakura skipped along until he found a large, expensive looking household. "Well, this looks like a nice place to begin! Wow, just think, our first sale!" Bakura climbed the stairs two at a time, and rang the doorbell.
A middle aged woman in expensive clothing answered the door. "Yes? How may I help you, young man?"
"Why, hello, ma'am! My name is Bakura, and I'm here to ask if you'd like to buy some quality merchandise from KaibaCorp.!"
"Why no, thank you. KaibaCorp. really doesn't-"
"Why just look at our selection! Here we have Mr. Kaiba's very latest, the new and improved Duel Disc! How does it work, you ask?"
"Actually, I didn't-"
"That's the beauty of it, you see, this device is so incredibly complicated that absolutely no one understands how it works! You just put cards into slots on it, and more cards come out other slots! In this manner, an entire duel just sort of happens! Only $10,000 for two!"
"That's nice, but-"
"But for the more old fashioned duelist, we also have this wonderful dueling arena! Good for either one-on-one or two-on-two duels! Technicians can be here in just a few days to uproot your yard and install one in your very own home! Only $60,000! What a bargain! Buy now, and you get this free Yugi pincushion!"
"That's wonderful, young man, but as I was trying to tell you, I don't really like Duel Monsters,"
There was dead silence for about ten seconds.
"You… don't like… Duel Monsters?" Bakura asked, thunderstruck.
"No, not really," the lady replied.
"… … are you sure you're in the right anime¢? Maybe you'd feel more at home in Sailor Moon… and if you bought one of our fine KaibaCorp. holographic dueling products, you'd be the envy of the block once you got there!"
"No, no thank you. I really don't feel like spending that much money for a game I don't like, young man!" She said, and chuckled a little.
YAAAAAAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIII! SHE'S NOT BUYING ANYTHIIIIIIIIING! Bakura whined.
~Bakura, let me talk to her for a second. I'll teach her not to spend her money on us!~
Yami, don't kill her!
~Bakura, relax. I won't kill her unless it's absolutely necessary.~
The Millenium Ring glowed, and Evil Bakura emerged. He grabbed the woman by the collar.
"Listen up you mortal dolt, if you people don't buy anything, I don't get paid! You WILL buy as much as you can possibly afford, or I will utterly annihilate your very soul! DO I MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR?!" just to make his point, he drew on his Shadow powers to vaporize one of the bushes in the front yard.
"Y-yes sir! I'll buy! I'll buy everything!"
The woman bought three dueling arenas before Evil Bakura was satisfied. The dark spirit smiled cruelly. "Why, thank you miss. And remember, if you tell anyone about how I… persuaded… you to make this purchase, I'll be back to collect a very unpleasant kill fee. Have a nice day,"
He left the woman, who immediately ran inside to hide in a closet.
~There! You see, Bakura, you just have to be forceful with them! They're humans, so they're too stupid to realize they want to buy from us unless you MAKE them realize it!~
Wow, you really have a knack for this!
~Feh.
Grave robbing, sales, what's the difference?~
Evil Bakura went back into his soul room, and the budding salesman started heading off to his next victim.
Before they got ten feet, however, a man opened the door and said, "Hey, kid! What the hell did you do to my wife?! She just ran inside and won't come out of the closet, and she keeps screaming about demon children!"
"Well, sir, I'm sure I don't know. Your delightful wife just bought three entire dueling arenas from me! However, I must stress that she didn't buy any duel disc systems, so you won't be able to play duel monsters outside your house! Are you interested in a few? Just $5000 a piece!"
"No, thank you. I wonder why my wife bought duel monsters arenas? She always hated that game just as much as I do…"
Bakura's jaw dropped. This was just plain absurd. "You too?! Alright, what the bloody hell is wrong with you people?! Are you new here or something? Duel Monsters is universally loved! It's THE game! How is it I run into the two people in the bloody world who don't like it?!"
Evil Bakura popped out. "Alright you freak, I have had enough of this psychotic family! You WILL buy ten duel discs from me, and YOU WILL ENJOY IT! Fail to obey and will destroy you and claim your soul for all eternity!"
After thoroughly terrifying the man, and making $50,000 more dollars, Evil Bakura foully and evilly consumed the man's soul.
Yami! You promised you wouldn't do that!
~No, I promised I wouldn't do that to his wife. He was never part of the bargain.~
::Sigh::. I suppose this is what I get for not being specific.
~Oh, what's the problem anyhow? It's not like I killed him or anything.~
No, but you might as well have! He HAS NO SOUL!
~Well, it's not like he was using it for anything besides living his pointless and wasted mortal life. Sort of like you, except taller and less of a wimp!~
Well, I never! I am NOT a wimp!
~Bakura, you're a tremendous wimp. If it weren't for me, you'd be nothing!~
If it weren't for YOU, I would actually be in sole possession of my own BODY!
~You weren't doing anything interesting with it until I came along. And anyway, you're taking this all too seriously. Look on the bright side! We've already made $230,000, and I've only had to banish one soul to the shadow realm! We've got nine more houses to do today, and at this rate we'll make over a million dollars and get me at least nine new souls! What a bargain!~
The pair headed off to find their next wealthy victims. God. Help. Us. All.