Stay With Me
Chapter 7: I've Lost
A/N: Thank you everyone…this one's up due to persistent pestering from basically everyone I know, and because Mac said she'd post Altoids 8 if I posted, so here it is in all its glory…chapter 7!
~
You haven't seen the world outside for days
You sleep, you hope, you wait
Imagination disappears
And all the dreams you have you save
Confrontation like a mirror
They try to take your mind away
~
The clock chimed twice. It was midnight. September 25th, though he could barely recall even that. His eyes stared downward, observing the ripples of amber colored liquid, splashing against the side of the glass in a rhythmic motion. Lifting it to his lips, he took a generous swallow, wiping the excess liquor from his mouth. 'September 25th ', he thought to himself.
He hadn't seen her in a week. Instead, he'd spent his nights on his couch, at the request of his team, drinking his sorrows away. They must've thought he'd spend his time at the hospital. If he could feel at the moment, he would have chuckled; but the call of the brandy in his glass prevented that.
~
Hey, hey, I don't know but I believe in yesterday
And what it means to bleed
And know that you're okay
Are you waiting?
~
Placing the brandy glass onto the table in front of him, Grissom laid back onto the soft cushions of the couch, pinching his nose. Migraine it was, and he could feel it pounding in his skull. Luckily, the darkness and quietness of the night provided some comfort.
Lindsey had gone to sleep hours earlier in his spare bedroom. Lately she had taken to falling asleep on the couch next to him, creating a sort of ritual to which he would followed each night. She loved to bury her head in his lap, and he let her, knowing it was one of the few places she now felt safe. He would stroke her golden blonde hair as she fell asleep, desperately clutching onto him.
Eventually he would gather her up in his arms, carry her down the hall to his own room, and tuck her under the covers. Grissom knew at some point she would wake up, and by that time he would be next to her, as if he had never bothered to move her in the first place. So on this particular evening, he found it odd, yet soothing that she was able to sleep alone.
~
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you
~
The ringing of the phone, however, interrupted his silence, the one he never bothered to answer anymore.
"Grissom…its Sara. Pick up the phone..."
As he half-listened to her one sided conversation with the answering machine, his fingers once again grasped the glass filled with venomous liquid.
"I know you're there…pick up damnit! If I don't hear your voice in the next fifteen seconds I am hanging up and coming over."
He didn't pick up. The room was filled with dial tone for a mere moment before the machine turned off.
She was on her way now…he should have picked up.
~
Bombarded by the atmosphere
You breathe, you choke, you breathe again
Conversation disappears; you realize they're not your friends
The panic of the future rears
You dig, you jerk, you find another way
~
Somehow, he thought he would feel something; but he didn't. No amount of lecturing on Sara's part was going to change that.
Glancing around at the now unkempt townhouse, he decided against trying to clean up. Sara was inviting herself over; she could deal with the mess. No real desire stirred in him to vacate his spot on the couch; his tired form having not the will or energy to move.
The darkness around him was calming, almost relaxing. Eyes drooped, nightmares danced at the back of his eyelids. They always did. Only now they came at him with greater strength, dashing the previous calm he'd felt.
The door was open, and he didn't bother to answer when he heard her knock softly on it. A creaking handle reminded Grissom that he'd still neglected to fix it. Her tall, brown haired, slim figure loomed just outside of it. Smelling faintly of phermeldahyde and vanilla, she strode in carry a large paper bag.
"What's that?"
" Italian take-out. I figured, you, an eight year old girl… You must be making quite a bit of PB&J."
"I think I'll pass Sara."
" I always pegged you as a man who enjoyed his Italian cuisine. But it looks like brandy seems more to your liking right now."
~
Hey, hey, I don't know but I believe in yesterday
And what it means to bleed
And know that you're okay
Are you waiting?
~
She flicked the lamp nearest to her on. Bright light showered the previously pitch-black room. "Grissom, how much have you had?" she asked eyeing the second empty bottle on the floor beneath the table.
"It seemed like a damn good idea at the time," he mumbled back, forcing his eyes open, the pain stabbing at them like knives.
"Were you thinking of the eight year old sleeping down the hall when you came up with this brilliant plan? You know, I could've taken her if you really didn't want too."
There was a slight hesitance in her voice, and she took her eyes off of him for a second.
"I thought you weren't good with kids. And I wanted her to stay here…she's…her and Cath…they're practically family…"
Sara felt her heart drop as he spoke, she could see it in his eyes. The spark that flickered in them as he spoke…of her. Was it completely wrong to be jealous of woman lying in a coma?
Getting up from the couch, Grissom headed for the kitchen, his feet padding heavily along the floor. She heard him moving around by the island, clanging pans and rustling papers; papers that were mostly likely the results of his latest experiment.
Moments later, his shadow reappeared, his cell phone in hand. "Listen if you must."
~
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you
~
"You wanted to know what's going on didn't you? Listen." Never had she heard Grissom like this. The force of his words nearly knocked her over. It glowed; the face of the cell phone that is, and without another word her hand was around it hitting the voice mail button.
"Gris…I mean Gil…"
'Tension. Sorrow. Pain. Had Catherine been crying?' methodically, as if at a scene Sara processed and categorized the information. 'Gil…she called him Gil'.
"Damnit, why couldn't you just pick up…we uh, we need to talk. About what happened."
'He lied to me' she thought. Grissom hadn't just dropped her off, something had happened. The pit in her stomach grew at the thought of it. Minor tremors of jealously, grew until her teeth were nearly on edge. 'I never had him…never.'
"Please, just meet me…if you get this message I'll be on my way to CSI. We can talk when we get there. I'm so-"
'Obviously, he hadn't gotten the message. At least not before, it was too late.' Swells of jealousy, pain, guilt, and understanding continued their torment upon Sara's soul. However, she saw Grissom's eyes, the love that reflected in them, mingling with guilt. Never had he expressed such a love like that to her, and she doubted that he ever would.
'Catherine makes him happy.' It was a fact she knew she would have to accept. No sense in her getting angry now; it was over. She'd lost. At least now, Sara knew. The waiting and nights of hoping now would cease.
"She needs you Grissom."
~
You opened up my brain
No I don't feel the same
No, No, No…
You opened up my veins
Well I won't be replaced
No, No, No…
~
"It's not that easy Sara…This isn't another experiment, another body, or bug, or family looking for justice. It's Catherine; I can't face her knowing that if I'd only left my phone on… You never know what you need until you find it…and I just might have already lost it."
"You'll lose her forever if she wakes up and you're not there."
'You'll lose her forever…' Sara thought. 'And then we'll both have lost.'
~
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you
To be continued….