Author's notes: just to give you a sort of timeline of incurable blindness,
she met Kenshin at age 14, he proposed to Tomoe at age 19, and has a short
reunion with Kaoru at age 20.
Concealed Torment
Part Two of Incurable Blindness
__________________________________________________________________
It's been two long and unbearable years since that moment you walked away from me. I'm 22 years old and I feel so old. Life has pushed down on me harder and harder ever since we drifted apart, it was like you were my barrier against time when we were younger. Your quiet strength and comforting presence was my only armor against the world.
Without you around, time has finally caught up with me. Things that never bothered me before have now blown up into massive proportions. I should be angry at you, I should hate you for leaving me all alone. You broke our sealed promise first over love, and then over sorrow. At times, during those years alone, I wanted to march up to you and shake you till your blindness went away.
But as I have concluded before, your blindness is incurable. You moved to the other side of Japan so you would never have to come near your memories, but though the past can be lost, it can never be forgotten. It took me six months to finally realize that you had left me for good, another six to recover my old self that had been thrown in the trash along with your promise, and a year of normal living to finally become accustomed to being alone.
I think.....I think the anger from being discarded was inside me all along. It never showed its face, only taking care to lurk beneath the surface like some hideous monster, reminding me of its presence. I kept a tight rein over it with my hope and have not once allowed it to come loose. But it's mentally consuming to control anger, especially when it's been suppressed for so long. But I survived, didn't I? I'm not whole and I still have unhealed scars that might never go away, but I am still me...I hope.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I think I hate you now, but I am not quite sure. How is it that you leave me in the cold for years and then decide upon some whim that you want to come back home? I'm still debating with my heart on what surprised me more, the day I first realized you weren't mine or the day I first saw you after those two years.
I'm sipping my morning tea at a lone booth in the corner of the old cafe we used to hang around. The fragrance of jasmine tea and the worn down booth brings back memories but I squelch them down and try to concentrate on the morning paper. The little bell on the door jingles but I don't look up, I never do because I have finally gotten myself to stop glancing up with the pathetic hope that you might step through that doorway.
There are a few regulars that have been coming for years and they know to give me my space but their chatter had always accompanied the clatter and clink of dishes. The whole cafe grew silent and I tip my head up to see....you. You look older and frailer, and there is a heavy tiredness in your normally youthful face. The long red hair that always reminded me of a rosy sunset has been cut so that it is pulled back from your face in a short tail. And your eyes shatters my heart for the second time because in them, I see despair and worst of all, lifelessness.
What had happened to you that had blown away the burning flame that used to flicker in your dynamic eyes? I see nothing but emptiness that is eating you away. You slowly walk over towards me with heavy and unsure steps, like you are wondering if what you are doing is the right thing. I turn my head back down at the page, fighting the urge to pretend that you're not there and it's just a hallucination of mine. But it is no hallucination as there is a small groan of the booth's creaky springs as you sit across from me. A waitress hustles over and in the same voice that always made my stomach turn, you order green tea.
Suddenly, I want to laugh because it almost seems like old times. I would always order jasmine tea and you would always order green tea. We would sit in this very booth, each person across from each other, and we would just sit and drink, content with one another. She sets your tea down and I still refuse to tear my eyes away from words that are steadily becoming more blurry by the minute. I don't know if you are waiting for me to speak but I know I am waiting for you.
"I'm sorry." You say. And the anger I had been holding down bends and twists inside my chest, tightening it so much that it's nearly painful. Sorry? You're sorry? Is that simple combination of letters enough to make me feel better? Is it enough to stitch up my torn heart? Is it enough to repair the damages in my mind? Is it enough to reassure my soul that it's alright to love again? Is it ENOUGH? My hands tighten and the newspaper's edges crinkles under the pressure.
My jaw clenches as I try to bite back the harsh words that are aching to come out. A silence so tense weighs down the air as I struggle to control myself. I know I won't cry because I promised myself long ago that you would only receive one of my tears. But I am wondering if I will lash out and hurt myself more than I will hurt you.
You won't say I'm sorry again because I know you see how hard I am trying to restrain myself right now. But I astonish myself and you as my body relaxes each tense muscle and my hard grip on the newspaper eases down. I calmly lifted my tea cup with resolved fingers and take a last sip before setting it down and pushing it away from me. I fold the newspaper and tuck it into my backpack which gets slung over my shoulder.
"I accept your apology for exactly what it is worth." I stand and you stand as well in the attempt to stop me before I walk out. But your characteristic courage must have been eaten up by your emptiness as well, because you let me walk away from you without intrusion.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Looking back at everything, I realize what a hopeless fool I had been. Hopelessly faithful, hopelessly loyal, and hopelessly patient. I haven't fully given up on you because you still have the last piece that will complete me, my heart. My body is physically tired of fighting off the anger and my mind is mentally exhausted from trying to push you out of my memories. They have both surrendered to what could be fate and now all I need is my heart, which you still have without knowledge.
You would think that after eight years of unrequited love that I would finally learn to give up. But I suppose that not only am I hopeless, I'm stubborn as well. And I question myself again of what I am going to do now. The subtle knife of betrayal is digging into my back as I smoothly walk to my car with the realization that I had not once met your eyes during our two sentence conversation. And now, I'm wondering if you're still standing there and waiting for that nonexistent courage to appear.
__________________________________________________________________
*I guess it's a bit shorter than part one, but I felt that it was perfect to end it there. Now, I'm thinking if there should be a part three....well, tell me what you think and we'll see.
Concealed Torment
Part Two of Incurable Blindness
__________________________________________________________________
It's been two long and unbearable years since that moment you walked away from me. I'm 22 years old and I feel so old. Life has pushed down on me harder and harder ever since we drifted apart, it was like you were my barrier against time when we were younger. Your quiet strength and comforting presence was my only armor against the world.
Without you around, time has finally caught up with me. Things that never bothered me before have now blown up into massive proportions. I should be angry at you, I should hate you for leaving me all alone. You broke our sealed promise first over love, and then over sorrow. At times, during those years alone, I wanted to march up to you and shake you till your blindness went away.
But as I have concluded before, your blindness is incurable. You moved to the other side of Japan so you would never have to come near your memories, but though the past can be lost, it can never be forgotten. It took me six months to finally realize that you had left me for good, another six to recover my old self that had been thrown in the trash along with your promise, and a year of normal living to finally become accustomed to being alone.
I think.....I think the anger from being discarded was inside me all along. It never showed its face, only taking care to lurk beneath the surface like some hideous monster, reminding me of its presence. I kept a tight rein over it with my hope and have not once allowed it to come loose. But it's mentally consuming to control anger, especially when it's been suppressed for so long. But I survived, didn't I? I'm not whole and I still have unhealed scars that might never go away, but I am still me...I hope.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I think I hate you now, but I am not quite sure. How is it that you leave me in the cold for years and then decide upon some whim that you want to come back home? I'm still debating with my heart on what surprised me more, the day I first realized you weren't mine or the day I first saw you after those two years.
I'm sipping my morning tea at a lone booth in the corner of the old cafe we used to hang around. The fragrance of jasmine tea and the worn down booth brings back memories but I squelch them down and try to concentrate on the morning paper. The little bell on the door jingles but I don't look up, I never do because I have finally gotten myself to stop glancing up with the pathetic hope that you might step through that doorway.
There are a few regulars that have been coming for years and they know to give me my space but their chatter had always accompanied the clatter and clink of dishes. The whole cafe grew silent and I tip my head up to see....you. You look older and frailer, and there is a heavy tiredness in your normally youthful face. The long red hair that always reminded me of a rosy sunset has been cut so that it is pulled back from your face in a short tail. And your eyes shatters my heart for the second time because in them, I see despair and worst of all, lifelessness.
What had happened to you that had blown away the burning flame that used to flicker in your dynamic eyes? I see nothing but emptiness that is eating you away. You slowly walk over towards me with heavy and unsure steps, like you are wondering if what you are doing is the right thing. I turn my head back down at the page, fighting the urge to pretend that you're not there and it's just a hallucination of mine. But it is no hallucination as there is a small groan of the booth's creaky springs as you sit across from me. A waitress hustles over and in the same voice that always made my stomach turn, you order green tea.
Suddenly, I want to laugh because it almost seems like old times. I would always order jasmine tea and you would always order green tea. We would sit in this very booth, each person across from each other, and we would just sit and drink, content with one another. She sets your tea down and I still refuse to tear my eyes away from words that are steadily becoming more blurry by the minute. I don't know if you are waiting for me to speak but I know I am waiting for you.
"I'm sorry." You say. And the anger I had been holding down bends and twists inside my chest, tightening it so much that it's nearly painful. Sorry? You're sorry? Is that simple combination of letters enough to make me feel better? Is it enough to stitch up my torn heart? Is it enough to repair the damages in my mind? Is it enough to reassure my soul that it's alright to love again? Is it ENOUGH? My hands tighten and the newspaper's edges crinkles under the pressure.
My jaw clenches as I try to bite back the harsh words that are aching to come out. A silence so tense weighs down the air as I struggle to control myself. I know I won't cry because I promised myself long ago that you would only receive one of my tears. But I am wondering if I will lash out and hurt myself more than I will hurt you.
You won't say I'm sorry again because I know you see how hard I am trying to restrain myself right now. But I astonish myself and you as my body relaxes each tense muscle and my hard grip on the newspaper eases down. I calmly lifted my tea cup with resolved fingers and take a last sip before setting it down and pushing it away from me. I fold the newspaper and tuck it into my backpack which gets slung over my shoulder.
"I accept your apology for exactly what it is worth." I stand and you stand as well in the attempt to stop me before I walk out. But your characteristic courage must have been eaten up by your emptiness as well, because you let me walk away from you without intrusion.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Looking back at everything, I realize what a hopeless fool I had been. Hopelessly faithful, hopelessly loyal, and hopelessly patient. I haven't fully given up on you because you still have the last piece that will complete me, my heart. My body is physically tired of fighting off the anger and my mind is mentally exhausted from trying to push you out of my memories. They have both surrendered to what could be fate and now all I need is my heart, which you still have without knowledge.
You would think that after eight years of unrequited love that I would finally learn to give up. But I suppose that not only am I hopeless, I'm stubborn as well. And I question myself again of what I am going to do now. The subtle knife of betrayal is digging into my back as I smoothly walk to my car with the realization that I had not once met your eyes during our two sentence conversation. And now, I'm wondering if you're still standing there and waiting for that nonexistent courage to appear.
__________________________________________________________________
*I guess it's a bit shorter than part one, but I felt that it was perfect to end it there. Now, I'm thinking if there should be a part three....well, tell me what you think and we'll see.