Chapter 13
Kaiba walked to a seemingly random wall in a hallway on the third floor and knocked on it three times. After the third knock he said the password, " 'Yugi has finally won it all.' " The wall beeped and slid open.
Mai arched an eyebrow at the choice of password. Noticing, Kaiba turned to face her somberly. "I notice you're a little confused. You have to understand, this door was never, ever meant to be opened. The ONLY reason I would open this door was if a crisis so tremendous occurred that I had absolutely no hope of survival. This is a last ditch kamikaze attempt, a final shot at taking that bastard Yugi down with me,"
"So you'd open this door if, what, Yugi launched a nuke at you?"
"No, of course not. I'm talking about if he beat me at cards really badly,"
Mai blinked. "… … … oh. Okay. So why would you open it now?"
He shrugged. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. I've tried throwing money around shamelessly, and I've tried drinking until I'm a broken shadow of a human being. The S.S.S.S.S.S is my last hope of ever retrieving my deck,"
"But you still haven't told us exactly what this S.S.S.S.S.S actually is!" Bakura the KaibaCorp. sales executive reminded him.
Kaiba looked at him in awe. "You weren't here during the last paragraph," he said in tones of disbelief.
Bakura shrugged. "I told you, I'm really good at that sort of thing. Now back to the matter at hand: what's behind this door?"
Board member #4 shuddered. "You'll find out when we get there. Trust me, once you know, you'll wish you didn't. Only the highest-ranking KaibaCorp. officials are told of this passage, and only President Kaiba can open it. It's the darkest secret in the company history,"
The four stepped into the passage. In contrast to the comfortable, carpeted hallway, this was a dank, cold stone passage lined with torches. Kaiba unhooked a torch from the wall and began leading the group down the passage. As he took them downwards, he began speaking; "This passage was built by my grandfather, sixty years ago. You see, he had lost his first game of chess ever, and he realized that the impossible might occur: he, a Kaiba, might LOSE at a game MORE THAN ONCE! So he had this chamber constructed to ensure that if he did lose at chess again, he could damn well make the bastard who beat him pay for it. I first learned about it when I took over the company from my father, and this is the first time I've ever actually been down it. Never had a reason to before, too dangerous. The last time this chamber was opened over half the company's employees died trying to get the S.S.S.S.S.S back inside,"
As they traveled on into the seemingly endless hall, a horrific screeching could be heard, so loud and piercing it shook the walls: "SHIRE! BAGGINS!"
Mai
looked confused. "What the hell was
that?"
Kaiba
shrugged. "Oh, that was just
Weevil. The Company Municipal Torture
Facilitation Center is on the other side of this wall; I guess the orcs are
really in a bad mood today, the subjects usually don't scream this loud."
Evil Bakura chuckled at the thought of torture and chaos, then stopped and looked thoughtful for a second. He turned to Mai and mouthed 'Orcs?'.
Mai mouthed back 'Beats me,'
The group continued down the passage until they came upon a massive stone door, with two keyholes spaced ten meters apart. Kaiba and #4 each took one of the keys, and inserted it into a keyhole. Kaiba turned to #4 and said, "On the count of three. One. Two…"
Mai turned to Evil Bakura, a worried expression on her face. "Isn't this the security they use for nuclear missiles?"
Evil Bakura frowned. "How the hell should I know? I'm from ancient Egypt, I don't even know what a nuclear whatever is."
"Oh, come on… big bombs that destroy entire cities…"
His eyes gleamed. "Where do I get one?"
"Never mind,"
"THREE!" Kaiba shouted. He and #4 turned the keys in unison.
The door creaked open.
Inside was pitch darkness, except for the glow of nine pairs of gleaming red eyes. The eyes of the darkest and foulest KaibaCorp. agency, the S.S.S.S.S.S.
Kaiba grinned at them maniacally. "Yes, yes! Come forth my chosen ones! Arise, my great and powerful Super Sonic Seto Search and Smash Squad!"
Silence.
Evil Bakura fell to the floor laughing. "THAT is what S.S.S.S.S.S stands for?!"
Mai quirked an eyebrow, and looked like she was struggling not to laugh. "I must admit, I was expecting something a little less… stupid."
Kaiba dropped out of drama mode, long enough to glare angrily at the bystanders, then turned back to the S.S.S.S.S.S. "Know, my greatest minions, that the worst has occurred! A Kaiba, your master, has been robbed of his means of gaming! Ye must go forth know, for the first time in many years, and seek it out! Find my deck! NOW RIDE! RIIIIIIIIIIIIDE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The nine members of the S.S.S.S.S.S rode forth. On horses. Nine black, cloaked figures. On black horses. (If you haven't figured out the joke here, you're just stupid).
#4 looked horrified. "T-the Nine again ride forth from Minas KaibaCorp.!"
Kaiba looked evilly satisfied. "They will find the Deck. And kill the one who carries it."
***
Kaiba went up to his Office. Not his office, where he'd been staying while he was drunk and despondent. His Office. The office was where he went to deal with company business. The Office, however, was where he went to be evil. It was twice the size of the office, one the absolute top floor of the building, and featured a wall that was just one big window. Despite this, it still managed to be the darkest room in the building, and the desk was perfectly positioned so Kaiba could sit in a chair and stare out the window/wall sinisterly and swivel around to glare at anyone who entered the room. It was by far the most evil room in the building.
Kaiba sat in his chair, staring out the window sinisterly, just thinking of the horrible retribution the fabled S.S.S.S.S.S was wreaking right now on the bastard who had stolen his deck.
Mai and Bakura sat on a couch against the far wall, both horribly bored. They had already waited two hours for the S.S.S.S.S.S to return, and it was already 6:00 A.M. In all the excitement, they had somehow stayed up all night. But from the looks of it, they wouldn't be up much longer. They really didn't have anything to do with each other; they'd played about fifty games of duel monsters, and tried to get the answers to a few nagging questions out of Kaiba…
FLASHBACK:
Bakura: Sir, I thought you were adopted.
Kaiba: I am. Why?
Bakura: Well, if you're adopted, and the S.S.S.S.S.S were created sixty years ago, why were they named after you?
Kaiba: Oh, everyone in the history of my family has been named Seto Kaiba, going back 5000 years to Ancient Egypt.
Mai: Really? Why isn't Mokuba named that?
Kaiba: Oh, Mokuba's adopted.
(Silence)
Mai: But… aren't you adopted?
Kaiba: Yes.
Mai: Then why is your name Seto Kaiba, when Mokuba is named Mokuba?
Kaiba: Well, you see, Mokuba's adopted.
Bakura: Okay, let me try to rephrase
this. What was your name before you
were adopted?
Kaiba: Seto Kaiba.
Bakura: No, that would be your name AFTER you were adopted into the Kaiba family. What is your name BEFORE you were adopted?
Kaiba: I've always been named Seto Kaiba.
Mai:… … … … … … … huh?
Kaiba: Well you see, I'm actually a member of the Kaiba family by blood. I was purposefully abandoned at birth to toughen me up, then re-adopted. Mokuba, however, is purely adopted. I kinda took a liking to him, like a stray dog or something.
Bakura: You have a twisted family.
Kaiba: What? Aren't all first-born sons abandoned at birth and left as orphans until they can work their way back into the family?
Mai: Not typically, no.
Kaiba: Damn, I knew mom was lying to me! I should have fired her and left her out on the streets with dad to live in a cardboard box and beg for food like animals… oh, never mind. I DID do that. Silly me.
(Silence)
Bakura and Mai: … … … (Take several steps backward from Kaiba)
Kaiba: What?
END FLASHBACK
Needless to say, any attempts at conversation died out around this point.
Suddenly, the clacking of hooves could be heard outside the door. Kaiba swirled his chair around as the S.S.S.S.S.S burst through the door, carrying…
"JOEY?! No, there is absolutely no way that YOU could have breached my security, it's just not possible… I'm so ashamed…"
The lead S.S.S.S.S.S member held up Joey's deck, complete with the Red Eyes Black Dragon. "Dragon…" it hissed.
Kaiba sighed, partially unhappy at the false alarm, but also a little relieved that his perfect security hadn't been breached by Joey. "Sorry guys. Right idea, wrong color scheme. We're looking for Blue Eyes White, not Red Eyes Black. Now get rid of him and get back to the search!"
The S.S.S.S.S.S commander shrugged, made a horrible screeching noise, and threw Joey out the window.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! OUCH!" Joey shouted. "HEY, KAIBA! I FELL A LONG WAY, BUT I'M OKAY! WELL, I THINK MY LEG IS BROKEN… ARRRRGH! YEP, IT'S BROKEN! SO I CAN'T WALK! BUT THAT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE I STILL GOT MY RED-EYES BLACK DREEGEN! AND I CAN STILL TALK! HEEEEY, MAYBE I CAN SING, TOO! HERE, I'LL GIVE IT A TRY! OH IIIIIIIIIIIIT'S A SMAAAALL WOOOOOOORLD AAAAAAAAAAAAFTER ALL…"
One hour later…
"AND BINGOOOOOOOO WAS HIS NAAAAAAAAAMEOOOOOO!" Joey sang. He then burst into his rendition of 'This is the song that doesn't end.'
Kaiba rubbed his temples. "Good god, you'd think somebody would have put him out of his misery by now…" Mai had gone to find a hotel, and Bakura went on to the next chapter.
At that point the S.S.S.S.S.S. burst back into the room with another victim. This time it was…
"TRISTAN?! But… he doesn't have it! Why'd you bring him here?"
The S.S.S.S.S.S leader pointed at Tristan and said, "Sssssssstupid…"
The wind blew outside.
"YOU @#^%(*@#^ MORONS! I REALIZE HE'S (%&(#$*&#^ STUPID, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED YOU TO FIND! NOW GET RID OF HIM AND FIND MY #@(%*&% DECK!"
The S.S.S.S.S.S threw Tristan out the hole in the window Joey had left, and galloped off to find their next victim.
"HEY! KAIBA!" Joey screamed. "TRISTAN JUST LANDED ON ME, BUT I'M
OKAY! HE'S UNCONCIOUS THOUGH… SO I
THINK I'LL SING 'MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!'
MAAAAAAAAARY HAAAAAD A LIIIIIITLE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMB!"
Kaiba buried his head in his
arms.
***
At Domino Airport, Yugi checked his watch. 8:00 AM. Just twenty-one hours until his demise…
Suddenly, nine black-cloaked figures riding horses burst into the terminal, grabbed him, and rode off.
***
Kaiba looked up in hope as the S.S.S.S.S.S rode back into his Office, but this time they'd managed to snare Yugi.
"Well, boys? What genius excuse do we have this time? Hm?"
They pointed to Yugi's hair. "Sssssssspiky…" the leader hissed. He then screeched. His horse whinnied.
Kaiba sighed. "Wrong again. Now, why don't you let Yugi go, then head out and fail again, okay?"
They dropped Yugi on the floor and rode back off into the city.
Kaiba looked down at his rival. "Sorry about that, Yugi. You see, they're idiots. I'm sure you'd like to leave, but only one of the elevators leads down to the main lobby, so be sure to take that one,"
"Um… okay… but where does the other one lead?" Yugi asked, horribly confused by the whole affair.
"Oh, that one leads to the Company Municipal Torture Facilitation Center. The orcs can be pretty mean, so if you end up there, you'll want to hit the emergency button on the elevator controls, and it'll open a hidden passage on the back of the elevator that leads into the old building, the sections we abandoned and built over when we renovated. Don't worry though, you just keep turning left and eventually you'll find a door that leads into the main lobby. Unless of course you run into one of the rats…"
"W-what's so bad about the rats?"
"Nothing, if you like flesh-eating mutant vermin the size of a large dog. We just boarded up those old sections, and before we knew it the rats had taken them over. We've tried to exterminate them, but ever since they've developed that darn immunity to automatic weapons, all we can really do is keep their numbers down with flamethrowers and rocket launchers. I just wish we could get government clearance to detonate a mini-nuke and wipe them out for good…"
"… that's some rat problem you got there…"
"Yeah, that it is. If you run into one, just remember they corner poorly and have a very limited memory. If you can turn a corner and get out of their sight before they kill you, they'll probably forget you were ever there. Unless, of course, they're hunting in packs. As a sort of side effect of their exposure to some of the chemicals down there (don't worry about those, they've dissipated by now) the rats get smarter the more of them there are together. I think a group of seven has a communal I.Q. of 200. If you really get into a tight spot, you can probably grab a pipe from the old plumbing system and club one of them with it, stun it for a few seconds. Well, bye Yugi!"
"K-Kaiba? Do I have to go? I'm scared to go down…"
Kaiba got out of his chair and pushed Yugi into the hall. "Oh, grow up you sissy. You'll be fine as long as you take the right elevator, and otherwise… well, you've been a good rival. Bye!" He slammed the door and locked it.
"Okay, okay, okay, just take the right elevator, the right… elevator…" Yugi turned and started beating his fists on the door. "KAIBA! WHEN YOU SAY 'RIGHT ELEVATOR', DO YOU MEAN 'THE ELEVATOR ON THE RIGHT', OR 'THE CORRECT ELEVATOR'?!?!?!"
No answer.
Yugi turned to look at the two identical elevators, one on the right side of the hall, and one on the left.
He just stared for a few seconds, totally silent.
"Oh, dear." He finally said.