Author's Notes: Wow, my shortest story ever. I think I will forever be fond
of this story, simply because I like how I portrayed Kaoru's emotions and
thoughts. Unrequited love at it's best and worst can be an addictive thing
to write and read.
Irrevocable Decisions: Final Part of Incurable Blindness
____________________________________________________________________
Maybe love was never meant to be. Maybe, it was never meant for me to obtain. The hopes that I had when I was young now seem nothing but the naive dreams of a foolish child. The patient waiting that I had so diligently endured for love was now gone. It was gradually replaced by a fierce loathing. No, not a loathing for you. The deep loathing that shakes my inner core is for myself. I could never hate you, no matter what you have done. You have pushed away our friendship and abandoned me to embrace your ever present regret. But I could never hate you because my love for you is as strong as that day we first met. And the irony of it all is that I hate not you, but myself for loving you. I hate myself so much that I want to laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you grab your sides in pain. But I know that the laughter will soon turn into a sudden rush of tears that won't be wiped away by a gentle hand. And my self loathing will still be there. Will you ever give me a chance?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Why do you keep doing this to me? I want to roll on the floor and hug myself tight with the frustration that is threatening to engulf me. It's like they say, love is like a roller coaster ride that takes you up so high, then plummets you down in a speed that takes your breath away. I ask you again, why do you keep doing this to me. Isn't it enough that you broke my heart three times, and now you are already going for a fourth try. And ironically enough, you want to meet me at the same place that nearly ended it all. So now, here I am, a thick coat wrapped around my lean frame, as I lean against a iron balcony overlooking a lake. A place not too far from where Tomoe died. I'm looking down at the sporadic ripples of water when I feel you behind me. And so you stand beside me...again, close enough that I want to dive into the warmth that is radiating from your body. And we stand next to each other....again, waiting for the other to speak. And it is I who must begin the words...again.
"What do you want now?" I didn't mean for the words to come out so harshly, but my voice is already fighting off the trembles of emotion. It is a simple question, but I know you understand the true meaning behind it. Why have you brought me here when you have already let me go? Your shoulders droop in surrender and I am tempted to ask if you really are you.
"I just...wanted to see your face."
"Don't lie to me." I say angrily, wondering if you thought I had grown stupid over the years, or forgetful. Do you honestly think that I can forget all our years together? I have treasured every memory for so long that I can almost feel the worn edges of each recollection. "If you have truly forgotten what I look like, then you deserve to lie."
"I just can't win, can I?" You say softly, and I suddenly feel guilty for how cruel I sound.
"Just tell me why you're really here and we can both go our separate ways, like we have done in the recent years." I did it again, another harsh toned sentence that seem to hit me harder than it hits you. I feel you wince beside me and I find myself staring at the ripples of the lake even harder.
"Do you hate me?"
Your intuition hasn't died, yet. I can praise and curse for that. An awkward silence passes while I try to think of the right words to say.
"I hate." I admit quietly. "But I don't hate you....I hate myself."
You reach out and capture my hand into yours, squeezing it gently and hesitantly. Before I can stop myself, my own fingers betray me and twine themselves between yours.
"I've lost a part of myself and I don't know what part that is, but some of you was lost with it. I couldn't feel anything after she died," Your hands clench. "And I forgot almost everything of me. I couldn't remember who I was. And then, a few months ago, I started remembering, little by little. But the first thing was you. You smiling, you laughing, and you crying. It was you crying that I remember the most clearly. Teardrops never fell from your eyes, but I remember you crying inside. You never did like tears, you always thought it was weak, and there were times when I thought that too. But you didn't like tears because they showed too much of what you thought. I finally understand, Kaoru, and I'm sorry I never saw you crying inside till now."
"It's too late for apologies, Kenshin."
And the next thing I know, you turn your entire body to me so I can see every part of your face. From your fiery hair to your lavender eyes, to your scarred cheek. You brush away the strands of hair that half cover my eyes so you could look at me straight in the eye, something you have avoided doing since Tomoe had stolen your heart. I read those beautiful lavender orbs carefully, able to read every emotion and thought stirring in those dizzying depths. And all my hopes crash down one final time. You reach your hands up now, cupping my face so that I want to close my eyes and press my skin against the glowing warmth of your palms. But years of holding back has strengthened my will and I gently pull back from the comforting sensation that I knew I would never feel again. Your lavender eyes are slightly furrowed in confusion and you reach out to touch me again but I take a step back away from you. I shake my head and it feels like all my sadness from you is in that one motion. Your eyes furrow further in confusion and I give you a soft smile, one that pulls on the edges of my mouth just a tiny bit.
"No." I whisper to you and it strikes pain into your face. I hold myself stubbornly to my decision and my soft smile doesn't falter despite the quivering I feel within. You don't argue my answer and only ask why. I respond by wrapping my arms around your neck and pressing you tight against me. Your arms immediately go around my waist and we stay silent in the embrace. In your ear, I whisper what my heart has finally come to realize and finally come to see. "Don't love me with half a heart, Kenshin. Don't make promises you can't keep."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have spent almost half of my life wishing for something that I will never receive. And I will spend the majority of my later years wondering how I had managed to make it this far without breaking down. And you? You will spend the rest of your years in loneliness because you still allow regret to shadow everything else. Do you want to know what I saw when I read your eyes that day? I saw only the fleeting dream of what used to be but could never be again. Once you take a path in life, there is no turning back, there is no chance to make changes in the past. What you have done and what you could have done will forever be cemented in eternity. And yet, I see the helpless desire to make everything as simple as it use to be, the desire that would one day spread into a consuming need. We can never go back to how we use to be, the bridge that used to connect us is gone and it's irreplaceable. You think you love me, but you only love the past that you see in me. And I refuse to be loved by someone who wants to drift away in the past, in the bygone days that brings painful heartaches to my chest. I have known no greater feeling than love but I have also known no greater pain than a broken heart. Now that I have come to terms with the hopelessness of our situation, I can see that there is a greater barrier that is separating us, the past and future. I have made my decision and it has been permanently laid down on my path in life. There is no going back for me, so I guess that means I'll have to leave you in the past. I won't look back at all that has come to pass for fear of becoming like you. But in my mind's eyes, I will always remember the fiery haired boy with flashing golden eyes, daring the world to break him down into a weaker being. Oh, how cruel fate can be.
Do you truly love me? Could you ever truly love me? Yet, I saw you die the same day Tomoe did. All hopes for love had been dashed away by your tearless sobbing. And my relentless heart still instills in me the stubbornness to push on and still live for you. I can't change the past, no matter how much I wish it. And if I could, I would have taken Tomoe's place. But I am here, I'm alive, breathing and feeling when Tomoe cannot.
Don't forget about me. Please, don't forget.
Irrevocable Decisions: Final Part of Incurable Blindness
____________________________________________________________________
Maybe love was never meant to be. Maybe, it was never meant for me to obtain. The hopes that I had when I was young now seem nothing but the naive dreams of a foolish child. The patient waiting that I had so diligently endured for love was now gone. It was gradually replaced by a fierce loathing. No, not a loathing for you. The deep loathing that shakes my inner core is for myself. I could never hate you, no matter what you have done. You have pushed away our friendship and abandoned me to embrace your ever present regret. But I could never hate you because my love for you is as strong as that day we first met. And the irony of it all is that I hate not you, but myself for loving you. I hate myself so much that I want to laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you grab your sides in pain. But I know that the laughter will soon turn into a sudden rush of tears that won't be wiped away by a gentle hand. And my self loathing will still be there. Will you ever give me a chance?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Why do you keep doing this to me? I want to roll on the floor and hug myself tight with the frustration that is threatening to engulf me. It's like they say, love is like a roller coaster ride that takes you up so high, then plummets you down in a speed that takes your breath away. I ask you again, why do you keep doing this to me. Isn't it enough that you broke my heart three times, and now you are already going for a fourth try. And ironically enough, you want to meet me at the same place that nearly ended it all. So now, here I am, a thick coat wrapped around my lean frame, as I lean against a iron balcony overlooking a lake. A place not too far from where Tomoe died. I'm looking down at the sporadic ripples of water when I feel you behind me. And so you stand beside me...again, close enough that I want to dive into the warmth that is radiating from your body. And we stand next to each other....again, waiting for the other to speak. And it is I who must begin the words...again.
"What do you want now?" I didn't mean for the words to come out so harshly, but my voice is already fighting off the trembles of emotion. It is a simple question, but I know you understand the true meaning behind it. Why have you brought me here when you have already let me go? Your shoulders droop in surrender and I am tempted to ask if you really are you.
"I just...wanted to see your face."
"Don't lie to me." I say angrily, wondering if you thought I had grown stupid over the years, or forgetful. Do you honestly think that I can forget all our years together? I have treasured every memory for so long that I can almost feel the worn edges of each recollection. "If you have truly forgotten what I look like, then you deserve to lie."
"I just can't win, can I?" You say softly, and I suddenly feel guilty for how cruel I sound.
"Just tell me why you're really here and we can both go our separate ways, like we have done in the recent years." I did it again, another harsh toned sentence that seem to hit me harder than it hits you. I feel you wince beside me and I find myself staring at the ripples of the lake even harder.
"Do you hate me?"
Your intuition hasn't died, yet. I can praise and curse for that. An awkward silence passes while I try to think of the right words to say.
"I hate." I admit quietly. "But I don't hate you....I hate myself."
You reach out and capture my hand into yours, squeezing it gently and hesitantly. Before I can stop myself, my own fingers betray me and twine themselves between yours.
"I've lost a part of myself and I don't know what part that is, but some of you was lost with it. I couldn't feel anything after she died," Your hands clench. "And I forgot almost everything of me. I couldn't remember who I was. And then, a few months ago, I started remembering, little by little. But the first thing was you. You smiling, you laughing, and you crying. It was you crying that I remember the most clearly. Teardrops never fell from your eyes, but I remember you crying inside. You never did like tears, you always thought it was weak, and there were times when I thought that too. But you didn't like tears because they showed too much of what you thought. I finally understand, Kaoru, and I'm sorry I never saw you crying inside till now."
"It's too late for apologies, Kenshin."
And the next thing I know, you turn your entire body to me so I can see every part of your face. From your fiery hair to your lavender eyes, to your scarred cheek. You brush away the strands of hair that half cover my eyes so you could look at me straight in the eye, something you have avoided doing since Tomoe had stolen your heart. I read those beautiful lavender orbs carefully, able to read every emotion and thought stirring in those dizzying depths. And all my hopes crash down one final time. You reach your hands up now, cupping my face so that I want to close my eyes and press my skin against the glowing warmth of your palms. But years of holding back has strengthened my will and I gently pull back from the comforting sensation that I knew I would never feel again. Your lavender eyes are slightly furrowed in confusion and you reach out to touch me again but I take a step back away from you. I shake my head and it feels like all my sadness from you is in that one motion. Your eyes furrow further in confusion and I give you a soft smile, one that pulls on the edges of my mouth just a tiny bit.
"No." I whisper to you and it strikes pain into your face. I hold myself stubbornly to my decision and my soft smile doesn't falter despite the quivering I feel within. You don't argue my answer and only ask why. I respond by wrapping my arms around your neck and pressing you tight against me. Your arms immediately go around my waist and we stay silent in the embrace. In your ear, I whisper what my heart has finally come to realize and finally come to see. "Don't love me with half a heart, Kenshin. Don't make promises you can't keep."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have spent almost half of my life wishing for something that I will never receive. And I will spend the majority of my later years wondering how I had managed to make it this far without breaking down. And you? You will spend the rest of your years in loneliness because you still allow regret to shadow everything else. Do you want to know what I saw when I read your eyes that day? I saw only the fleeting dream of what used to be but could never be again. Once you take a path in life, there is no turning back, there is no chance to make changes in the past. What you have done and what you could have done will forever be cemented in eternity. And yet, I see the helpless desire to make everything as simple as it use to be, the desire that would one day spread into a consuming need. We can never go back to how we use to be, the bridge that used to connect us is gone and it's irreplaceable. You think you love me, but you only love the past that you see in me. And I refuse to be loved by someone who wants to drift away in the past, in the bygone days that brings painful heartaches to my chest. I have known no greater feeling than love but I have also known no greater pain than a broken heart. Now that I have come to terms with the hopelessness of our situation, I can see that there is a greater barrier that is separating us, the past and future. I have made my decision and it has been permanently laid down on my path in life. There is no going back for me, so I guess that means I'll have to leave you in the past. I won't look back at all that has come to pass for fear of becoming like you. But in my mind's eyes, I will always remember the fiery haired boy with flashing golden eyes, daring the world to break him down into a weaker being. Oh, how cruel fate can be.
Do you truly love me? Could you ever truly love me? Yet, I saw you die the same day Tomoe did. All hopes for love had been dashed away by your tearless sobbing. And my relentless heart still instills in me the stubbornness to push on and still live for you. I can't change the past, no matter how much I wish it. And if I could, I would have taken Tomoe's place. But I am here, I'm alive, breathing and feeling when Tomoe cannot.
Don't forget about me. Please, don't forget.