Interlude 2: The Silence Game! Or What Evil really thinks about if it sits still too long…
(Note: This interlude takes place in between the time of Yugi passing out and the time of his re-awakening)
The two forces of tremendous evil stared at each other viciously. Not a sound had been made by either one in many, many hours. Evil Bakura had a look of intense fury on his face, Malik an arrogant sneer. As far as any observer could have told, they might has well have been made of wax.
On the outside.
On the inside…
Malik:
~Oh yeah, we're evil!~
We are SO evil, even I'm afraid of us!
~How evil are we?~
We're the evillest pair of bastards this show has ever seen!
~What are we?!~
EVIL!
~YEAH!~
We ROCK!
~And we're evil while we do it!~
You can say that again!
~So, what do you think of that Tea chick?~
… … … … … … What? Where'd that come from?
~Well, we've been here awhile, and I just started thinking, that's all.~
Um… I don't think about her that much, to tell the truth.
~Would you jam her?~
WHAT?!
~Would you jam her?~
I… you… I… you… WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!
~Aw, c'mon, don't tell you've never
noticed. That face, that body, that
frilly thing she wears…~
Yami, you're starting to freak
me out here. Could we not talk about
this?
(Mental silence)
~I'd jam her.~
I believe that qualifies as something I really didn't want to know.
Bakura:
Yaaaaaaami! I'm bored!
~You've been bored since we started! Now cease this incessant thinking so I can claim victory!~
But this is a stupid game! Why can't you just play duel monsters like normal (?) people?
~You want to know, here!~ (Boots up Soul Room computer, signs on to net).
Hmmmm… Bakura and Malik have a Shadow Game… Malik wins… and OH BLOODY HELL! I see why you don't want to play a real game with him now…
~As you can maybe tell, I'd really rather not die anytime soon.~
But hey, Yami, there's tons of other stuff here about us! Look at all the FanFictions we have! Here's one… oh. Oh my.
~What? What is it?~ (Reads FanFic description.) ~Oh, now that is just horribly, disgustingly WRONG on more levels than I can count.~
Why Yami, I didn't know you liked me that much, but right there in the matchups it says Ryou/Bakura!
~THIS IS JUST SICK!~ (Spiritually looking through the list.) ~Ryou/Bakura, Bakura/Ryou, Bakura/… … YAMI?! What in the name of Ra almighty are these demented freaks thinking?! Where are the all the stories like 'Bakura gathers the Millenium items, horribly murders Yami, and conquers the universe.'? Where are the matches that say Bakura/Any woman he desires in the world? WHERE'S ALL THE FUN?!?~
Look at this one. 'Bakura tortures Ryou. Then they have sex.' I say, maybe these people should get glasses or something, if they can't see that I would never stoop that low.
~YOU?! WHAT ABOUT ME?! As if I would EVER engage in any sort of relationship with you even if I WAS gay! The only thing I feel towards you is searing hatred!~
Oh, this ones a bit better. 'Bakura commits suicide because he feels he's not good enough for Ryou'. Sounds good to me! It's nice to now SOMEBODY caught the essence of our relationship.
~HA! ME, a great and powerful spirit of destruction, not good enough for YOU, an ugly, awkward, unlikable British twit? Surely, that story is under the humor category.~
Malik:
Would you shut up already?!
~Okay, so no Tea. What about that Mai chick? Don't tell me you haven't noticed that fine piece of ass!~
God, when did you get so perverted?
~Come ON, she wears a freakin' corset, and not much else! I could ride that for HOURS!~
Oh, this is just getting disturbing now.
~Would you jam her? Be honest!~
Alright, yes! NOW will you shut up!
~I'd jam her.~
I think we got that part!
(Mental Silence)
~ How about that Isis?~
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Bakura:
~Obviously, these people have NO idea what true literature is about.~ (Boots up psychic word processor.) ~Now, to begin my OWN story about the wonder that is myself. Title: Yami Bakura Rules the Universe. Summary: Bakura finally rids himself of the worthless parasite Ryou, and with his true wrath unleashed is able to quickly claim the Millenium items and bring swift death to their owners. He then conquers all the universe, and women and material possessions flow to him like the waters of the Nile. Matchups: Bakura/any woman he desires. Category: Hmmmmm… I think 'the greatest work of all time' fits it pretty well…~
Oh, you're writing one too? Here, look at mine…
(The following is an excerpt from an original work by Bakura. Not Evil Bakura. Bakura.)
Bakura sheathed his monstrous broadsword and gazed about the bloodstained sands. Twenty thousand warriors lay, slain by his unbelievable military skill. The sun glinted off his humongous muscles and the steel of the three thousand pound armor he wore as though it were mere cotton. His unworthy Yami bowed at his feet and kissed his boots.
"Oh, wow, Bakura, I wish I were you! Then I'd be a handsome, powerful, BRITISH man instead of some puny, weak, annoying spirit!" Evil Bakura whined. He whined all the time. Sometimes Bakura wondered if he could make any other tone of voice.
Bakura kicked his Yami. "Silence, dog! You know full well that a dolt like you could never be as all around cool as me. Now go and beat your head against a wall until you lose these foolish ideas!" The weak, cowardly spirit ran off to obey his unquestioned ruler and lord of his very existence.
From behind Bakura the Mighty, a seductive voice said, "Oh great Bakuraaaaaaaa… your little sphinx needs some attention!"
Bakura turned to see an oasis, and in the oasis a bed. And in the bed, Isis Ishtar posed alluringly. Behind her, a line of women awaiting their own turn with Bakura stretched as far as the eye could see.
Smiling, the Strongest Man in the Universe went to claim the spoils of his victory.
(End excerpt)
Do you like it? I call it 'Bakura's Story.' Of course, this is barely anything, there's about six hundred pages written so far. I'm going to categorize it as a 'historical epic', although some things are slightly exaggerated. In the story, I said I was born in London, when I was ACTUALLY born in Liverpool… but other than that, it seems quite faithful to the truth, don't you think?
~WHY… YOU… LITTLE…~
Malik:
~Well? What do you think?~
I THINK SHE'S MY SISTER!
~Hey, she ain't MY sister.~
YES SHE IS! YOU'RE ME!
~Only technically.~
'Technically' in the manner of 'I am not going to let my body have sex with my sister, no matter who's piloting it'! Now could you please just drop this disgusting subject!
~… … … I'd jam her.~
(Mental silence as Malik pictures himself, taller and eviller, having sex with his own sister)
DIE, YOU DEMENTED FREAK!
(Mental homicide attempt in progress)
Bakura:
~Ah, there we go! The first chapter is complete in my literary masterpiece. Read, mortal dolt, and know full well that your puny work shall be shamed beyond the telling of it!~
(The following is an excerpt of an original work by Evil Bakura.)
The wind howled.
Thunder crashed in the skies, illuminating a world in ruins. Thousands of people wandered the ruins of the devastated cities, blank shocked looks on their faces. They were all mumbling something, and all of them faced in the same direction.
They all stared to a palace, a building massive and terrible. Constructed in the fashion of the ancient pharoahs, but with a distinctively sinister feel to it. Also, it was far, far larger, easily the biggest object ever constructed. It could be seen by the naked eye from hundreds of miles away. The palace of their god.
They were all mumbling, without their knowledge for their minds had been long ago destroyed, "All hail Evil Bakura, all-powerful lord of creation."
Inside this palace, Evil Bakura lounged on a pile of silk pillows while his harem girls (Of whom all 80 bore shocking resemblances to Mai, Tea, and Isis, but certainly weren't them because those girls were all very irritating) massaged him. The seven Millenium Items were in a pile off to the side, he didn't really wear them anymore ever since he'd completely enslaved the minds of everyone on the planet after obliterating all their major cities in a war of conquest the likes of which the world had never known. He sipped wine from a solid gold cup engraved with his face, and ate another grape from the bowl near his hand. The gods of Egypt performed acrobatics for his amusement.
Bakura, who was chained and gagged, hung upside down over a flaming pit of spikes. Just for fun, Evil Bakura pressed the button that caused his former host's chains to be electrified. He smirked evilly as the annoying British twit writhed in pain. He then turned to his door guard (who bore a shocking resemblance to Kaiba) and said "I'm bored! Bring in the special entertainment!"
The guard smirked evilly, left, and returned with Yami.
"B-Bakura! Your evil will not continue forever! I will defeat you eventually! You will pay for your crimes!" The obviously battered pharaoh shouted stupidly.
Evil Bakura laughed coldly, and snapped his fingers. To make a long story short, seven large, powerful men walked into the room and just brutally and mercilessly pounded Yami for a solid half-hour.
Malik:
Yami Malik dusted off his spiritual hands and looked down at his soundly spiritually pummeled soulmate.
~And take that, ya little pussy! What, you think some spoiled brat Egyptian twerp is gonna be able to take ME on?! I'm the real evil in this little partnership, and don't you forget it, bitch!~
Ow… all right… we'll call this one a draw… have you seen my mental teeth anywhere? I think I lost one.
~A draw? Don't flatter yourself, boy. I whooped your sorry ass into next week!~
I'd have won if you hadn't CHEATED!
~How exactly did I cheat?~
… … … …
~(Spiritually smiling sadistically) Weeeeeeeeeeell?~
You fought back…
~See? I'm the star of this show! You are the awkward guy off to the side who plays the drums and laughs when I tell a joke. The difference between us is the difference between a huge, powerful, violent dragon, raging across the land like a hurricane… and a small, fluffy bunny. The bunny might bite you sometimes, because frankly bunnies aren't the most personable of animals. But the dragon will tear you to shreds, eat you, and burn down your house. You, bunny. Me, dragon.~
Alright already. I get it. You can shut up any time now. (Mentally slipping mental brass knuckles onto hand hidden behind back)
~Just making sure it gets through to you. I know you're not the brightest guy in the world, and you might try something stupid, like slipping on some brass knuckles that you had hidden and cracking me in the face while I explain how cool I am…~
::CRACK!:: (In case you were wondering, that's the mental sound of mental brass knuckles smashing into a mental jaw.)
Gee, whatever gave you that idea? Oh wait, I remember. YOU WANTED TO SCREW OUR SISTER! (Spiritual homicide attempt in progress.)
Bakura:
That wasn't at all true!
~Oh, and yours was, 'Strongest man in the universe'? You couldn't LIFT a sword, much less kill someone with it.~
(Spiritually typing) I think I'd better give you a few more scenes… 'And then evil Bakura turned to his one true love, Yami…'
~(Spiritually typing) Oh, you're going to suffer for that one. 'And then Bakura was tossed into the pit of rabid gerbils…~
Malik:
DIE!
~YOU FIRST!~
Bakura:
The two silver-haired soulmates glared at each other across their soul room, their fingers poised over the buttons that would post their stories.
Don't you dare! I refuse to let that story see the light of day!
~You?! What about me?! If yours gets out, I'll never live it down!~
Alright, alright… I won't post mine if you don't post yours.
~I don't trust you! Delete your story!~
NO! If I delete it I won't have anything to stop you from posting yours! You delete yours first!
~Right. You're at least partially me; you're devious enough to try and trick me into deleting my story, ALL SO YOU CAN HUMILIATE ME!~
I'm not trying to trick you!
~Yeah, right! I know you hate me, just for taking over your body and making you kill people and betray your friends! You'd do anything to get back at me!~
Okay, we'll delete them at the same time!
~Fine!~
(Neither moves)
… … … You first.
~Not a chance.~
Malik:
Malik and his Yami lay on the floor, spiritually battered, bruised, and panting.
So… you… give… up?
~HA! Ouch… I'll never surrender! I'm obviously in charge here… oh, my head…~
Um… Yami?
~Yeah?~
I can't move.
~I know. I can't either.~
I wonder if you can have spiritual spinal damage…
~We should really try to look on the bright side here. That was one hell of a brawl, and it just goes to show how evil we are!~
Yeah! Good point!
~Oh yeah, we're evil!~
We are SO evil, even I'm afraid of us!
~How evil are we?~
We're the evillest pair of bastards this show has ever seen!
~What are we?!~
EVIL!
~YEAH!~
We ROCK!
~And we're evil while we do it!~
You can say that again!
(Spiritual silence.)
~So, what do you think of that Tea chick?~
Oh, sweet Ra…
Bakura:
YOU FIRST!
~NO, YOU!~
YOU!
~YOU!~
YOU, DAMN IT ALL!
~NOT IN A TRILLION YEARS, YOU STUPID BRITISH GIT!~
DELETE THE DAMN FILE!
~YOU FIRST!~
NO! YOU!
The real world:
As the two villains stared each other down, Rebecca Hawkins enjoyed her afternoon cartoons.
"Yeah, Goku! I just love Dragonball Z™, don't you Teddy?" She squealed. Suddenly, an announcement came on.
"We interrupt the previously scheduled program for this breaking news. Isis Ishtar, the world famous Egyptian archeologist, has just announced a visit to Domino Town later today! Miss Ishtar has announced her reasons for the visit as 'sight-seeing, shopping, and fratricide'. We now return to Dragonball Z™."
At the silence game, Malik shot up like he'd been stabbed. "MY WHAT IS COMING WHERE?!?!"
"HA! You made a noise, so I win!" Evil Bakura roared triumphantly.
"YOU THINK I CARE?! MY SISTER IS COMING HERE! TO! THIS! TOWN! SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!!!!!! I AM A WALKING DEAD MAN!"
"All you need to worry about is me, and the fate of your very…"
"YOU!? HA! You aren't half as evil as Isis! No one is! And… oh dear Ra, I DISOBEYED A DIRECT COMMAND FROM HER! She's going to tear me apart! I need to get out of town, out of the whole country! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screaming in terror, Malik ran out of the shop… through the wall.
Evil Bakura blinked. "What just happened?"
We won! Now you have to take me to Dairy Queen!
~NO! I just said that so you'd shut up! I refuse to allow you to continue this unnatural obsession with cold food! If food were meant to be cold, mankind wouldn't have had to invent refrigerators!~
B-but… you promised! Bakura whined.
~Absolutely not!~
::Sigh:: Alright. I guess… I'll just have to mail this photo of you and Pegasus having sex to everyone we know!
~WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! That… THAT NEVER HAPPENED! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET A PICTURE OF SOMETHING THAT NEVER HAPPENED?!~
Amazing what you can do with modern technology, isn't it? Make a fake photograph every bit as convincing as the real thing! Like, oh, this one! Now do we go to Dairy Queen, or do I start sending spiritual E-mails?
~I… I…I… Surrender. We'll go to Dairy Queen.~
YIPPEE! I want a super-large sundae, with hot fudge, and sprinkles, and whipped cream, and…
The defeated Yami and his giddy companion stepped outside and looked around.
They looked left.
They looked right.
~Bakura… where IS the Dairy Queen?~
You know, I'm not sure. I really don't know how to get anywhere is this part of town, except Yugi's house…
~This could be a problem.~