Chapter 17

Kaiba happily walked along, whistling happily and smiling at people.  His life was perfect.  Their lives were perfect.  Everything was just perfect.

Sudddenly, a dark cloud fell across the sun.  A pedestal made of human skulls rose from the ground, covered in horrific demons.  And atop it, his eyes burning with the flames of hell, stood…

"YUGI!  I knew you'd be back to your evil ways!  But why bother?  I'm so obviously superior to you, any duel we have will end in my victory like our last 497 duels." Kaiba said heroically.

"BAH!" Yugi laughed cruelly.  His voice was deep, gravelly, and echo-y, like two people speaking at once.  "You, Kaiba, are a pitiful fool who cannot compete with my evil powers!  Ever since I sold my soul to the devil for dueling skills, I have been able to beat everyone but you, the Greatest Duelist Ever to Walk the Earth.  But that all changes today, pathetic mortal!" Demon Yugi pointed at a person chained to his pillar of skulls.  "As you can see, I have kidnapped my OWN GRANDFATHER!  And I won't give him back to me unless you defeat me in a duel!"

"… … … huh?"

"DON'T TRY TO WEASEL OUT OF THIS!"

"But… you already have him.  You get to keep him no matter what happens, so what's the point?"

Grandpa shrugged, every bit as confused as Kaiba.

"Don't you try to confuse me with your twisted logic!" Demon Yugi warned.  "Not let's duel!"

"Very well.  You leave me no choice but to use the awesome power of my Millennium Checkbook!" Kaiba proclaimed, getting out a gold checkbook with an eye on the front.  "KAI-BA-OH!  Now, it's time to duel, Yugi!" Kaiba said, having gotten a few inches taller with spikier hair.

"Very well!  I play Dark Magician!  HA!  I DARE YOU TO TRY AND BEAT THAT!"

"I play the Blue-Eyes White Dragon!"

"Shoot."

"Now I play two more!"

"Isn't that against the rules?"

"Kaiba's so cool, the rules don't apply to him!" One of the dragons said.  The other two nodded.  Then they killed the Dark Magician.

"Blast you, Kaiba!" Demon Yugi growled.  "It looks like I get my grandpa back… THIS TIME!  BUT WE WILL BATTLE AGAIN, I SWEAR IT!" With that Demon Yugi descended back to the depths of hell, Grandpa in tow.

"And when we do, Yugi, you will be defeated again." Kaiba said heroically.  People applauded and showered him with riches.  Women all over the world came to marry him.  Some old guy down the street let out an unearthly shriek.

"… … what the…?" Kaiba wondered.

Another person made a horse noise.  A third started hissing "Glasssssssssssses…".  The old guy shrieked again.

"What's going on?!" Kaiba asked frantically.

Then he woke up, to find the S.S.S.S.S.S looming over him. 

"Wh-what?  NO!  I was back in the real world, where everything was perfect, but I must have fallen asleep again!" Kaiba lamented.

The S.S.S.S.S.S looked confused.  "Jussssssssssst were asssssssssleep." One said.  "We woke you up."  It then let out a horrific screeching noise. 

The leader pointed to Weevil.  "Glassssssssssses."

"Wow, no kidding." Kaiba said.  "Ya don't say.  Listen, I realize it's just a dream, but I don't even own the company anymore.  Why don't you go bother Tristan?"

"Sssssssssssserve Kaiba." The leader said.

"Find blue-eyessssssssssss white dragonsssssssssss for Kaiba." Another agreed.

"Not for Trissssssssssssssssstan.  He'ssssssss sssssssssssstupid." A third concluded.

Kaiba sighed.  "Why, I ask you, couldn't Dream Tristan have taken you dolts and left me my dream money and dream company?  There really is no dream justice in this dream world anymore."

One of the S.S.S.S.S.S shrieked.

"::Sigh::… I'm sorry guys.  I didn't mean to insult you… here, give me a hug."

The S.S.S.S.S.S looked horribly confused.

"Masssssssssssster is crazy." The leader hissed.

"Not dreaming." Another agreed.

"Come on, guys.  Give me a hug, then we'll all get hot cocoa.  On you, since I don't have any money." Kaiba said, a slightly deranged look in his eyes.

"Massssssssssster'ssssss sssssssssanity hassssss sssssnapped." A S.S.S.S.S.S member observed. 

"Massssssssssster is crazy."

"Not dreaming.  Not even assssssssssleep."

"Glasssssssssssses." One in the back said, pointing at Weevil.

The others turned to look at him.  "We're over that, Sssssssstanley.  Ssssssstay on tasssssssk."

"Ssssssssssssorry.  Massssssssssssssster is crazy."

Kaiba meanwhile, was still awaiting his hug with a patient, if psychotic look on his face.  "Come on guys, I know you want some hot cocoa.  And after that we can play scrabble, and tell ghost stories, and make S'MORES! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"

"Kaiba?!  What happened to you?!" A familiar voice said.  Mai, apparently on her way to an early breakfast, pulled up alongside him.

"Well, it's really quite an amusing story.  You see, Mokuba was screwing around with my stock portfolio, and he accidentally cost me ALL OF MY MONEY.  AND MY COMPANY.  AND MY DIGNITY.  So I was JUST about to kill Mokuba with a piece of rusty metal, when I realized… and I should have considered this before, mind you… that my entire life since I lost my duel to Yugi has been… literally… nothing but a huge nightmare!  I mean, it should have been obvious.  So I've spent the last few hours trying to kill myself and get back to the real world, and had nearly succeeded in waking up when my very good friends the Deck-wraiths over here found me.  So now we're going to hug and be bestest friends and drink cocoa until I wake up.  Isn't that amusing?" Kaiba said cheerfully, but with a rather horrifying light in his eyes.

Mai, somewhat scared beyond all reason, looked over at the S.S.S.S.S.S.  They shrugged helplessly and made a gesture indicating Kaiba was a lunatic.  Mai nodded.  "Suuuuuuuure, Seto, that was a very amusing story…" she said softly.

"IS THAT SO?!  YOU THINK MY PAIN IS FUNNY, YOU BITCH?!?!  WELL IT'S NOT!" Kaiba roared, the veins popping out of his neck. 

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Mai said, preparing to ward him off if he tried to kill her.  Her mind raced to think of what she should do.  On the one hand, he was looney.  On the other, she hadn't quite given up her plan to marry his money… er, him.  In the end, greed won out.   "Okay, buddy, get in the car.  We're getting you professional help."

"Thank you, but…"

"GET IN!" Mai bellowed. 

Kaiba, as crazy as he definitely was, meekly got in the car, and Mai began driving to the nearest mental hospital.  They barely got a block before they came upon Yugi and Bakura (HA!  You thought he wouldn't be in this chapter, didn't you?) facing down a tall woman in a black dress who was seemingly in the middle of a coughing fit.  Mai stopped the car and got out to see what was going on.

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Far, far away, Malik sat contentedly on a first class flight to Scotland.  He happily munched peanuts and drank from his complimentary coffee.  Then, he saw the screen for the in-flight movie come on, so he put the headphones on… which is when everything began to go wrong.

Rather than the officially sponsored and well-made movies typically shown on flights, the title screen for this one seemed to be made of cardboard.  On it was written 'The Horrible Death of Malik- based on the future as seen by I. Ishtar".

Malik got a cold feeling in his gut.  His sister's voice came over the headphones: "Enjoy the movie, brother.  When we get back to Domino, it becomes reality."  Isis waved jauntily at him from the cockpit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Malik screamed.