Chapter 19
Smiling, the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ withdrew her deck… and sat down.
That was it. She didn't make a huge arena appear, or take out a Duel Disc, or ANYTHING. She just sat down in the middle of the street. Yami sighed deeply. Evil Bakura started laughing again.
"Good lord, do you have NO idea how to do this?" Yami asked sadly. "Where's your arena?"
"Arena? I needed an arena?" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ asked nervously. "I mean, I am new at this. I've never really been evil before. You were my first big evil,"
"Trust me, it shows. Hey, Kaiba! You wouldn't happen to have an arena handy, would you?"
Kaiba's eyes flashed. "Sorry, but I wouldn't have access to dream technology like that. Why don't you take it up with the owner of TRISTAN-FRICKIN'-CORP!" he shouted, then went back to Mai's car to sulk.
Tristan, sensing his time to shine, stepped forward proudly. "So, you need a dueling arena, huh?"
Yami looked impressed. "You mean YOU somehow actually acquired a company? You, who couldn't take care of a pet rock?"
Tears welled up in his eyes. "FLUFFY RAN AWAY!" he proclaimed.
"No, you killed it." Joey reminded him. "You somehow killed a pet rock. It still confuses me,"
"And in any case, I'm not really into the sales of dueling arenas anymore. TristanCorp. Only sells the very finest in fun equipment!" Tristan said, pulling a catalogue from his coat. "Take a look at this!"
Yami took the catalogue, and checked out some of the 'products'.
TONS OF FUN CUBE- It's fun! It's a metal cube! It weighs seventeen metric tons! It does nothing!
SUPER DIGITAL CARDBOARD PET- Just like a digital pet, but made of cardboard! It also does nothing! But if you feed it, the food will start to rot inside it, releasing a fun rotting food smell! Don't buy this!
HYPER ULTRA SUPER PUZZLE- It's hyper! It's ultra! It's a goddamn TWO PIECE PUZZLE OF A FRICKIN' KITTEN! If you can say your own name, or any other word, you're too advanced for this! PRESIDENT KAIBA, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US WITH THIS IDIOT?!
Paid For by TristanCorp. HELP! PRESIDENT KAIBA, HELP! WE NEED YOU! THIS MORON IS DRIVING THE COMPANY INTO THE GROUND!
Yami looked at Tristan with something akin to raw horror. "Um… Tristan… do you have any idea what this catalogue is selling?"
"Of course I do! I thought of those great ideas!" Tristan said proudly.
Wordlessly, Yami walked over to Kaiba and handed him the catalogue.
Kaiba read it.
Kaiba's eyes turned red. Literally. Steam blew out his ears. With a wordless scream of rage, he charged Tristan. "I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A DREAM, NOBODY DOES THIS TO MY COMPANY!" he roared as he started mercilessly pounding Tristan.
Yami sighed and walked back over to the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™. "Well, it looks like we'll have to bend the rules. I guess we'll have to have a big, dramatic duel…" he winced "… without an arena."
Mai gasped. Joey dropped his head in shame. Tristan screamed for help. Kaiba kept hitting him. Tea fainted.
Just then, in their darkest hour, a miracle occurred! A miracle with white hair and a British accent!
Bakura, former KaibaCorp. sales executive, cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but I believe I may have a solution to your problems." He got out his cell phone and punched in a number. "Hello, I'd like to talk to the storage department, please. Hello, Bob? Yeah, it's me, Bakura! Hey, you know those extra dueling arenas you have in the basement? You still have a few? Great, because I've got a buyer! Yeah, she's a real nitwit, we could probably jack the price up three hundred percent and she wouldn't know the difference! How soon can you get it here? Well, I guess that's okay, those things are big… I'll see you in three hours then, Bob. I'll need it installed right in the middle of fifth street. No, it won't block traffic! Well, it might, but who cares as long as I make a sale and you get a cut, if you get my drift. See you in three hours." Bakura hung up. "Alright, your arena will be here in three hours, Yugi."
Yugi, taking back over from his Yami, looked stunned. "Bakura… WOW! That's so cool! You're all businessy! You must be paying more attention to your Yami!"
Evil Bakura took over. "Yeah, he's getting better, I must admit. And speaking of me," he said, looking evilly (can he look any other way?) at the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™. "I believe it's time to negotiate payment…"
Ten minutes later…
"Okay…" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said uncertainly, gazing at her contract. "I guess that's fair… but do I really have to give you the soul of my first-born child?"
Evil Bakura grinned maliciously. "Why, yes, of course! It's quite common in these situations, happens practically every day."
"Alright, I guess if I really need the arena…" she said, signing the contract.
"Please sign again below that, in blood this time." Evil Bakura requested. When she had done so, he took back the contract and smiled evilly at it. "Alright. Your total comes out to $500,000, three limos, a small Caribbean island complete with pirates, a lifetime supply of twinkies, and the souls of your first child and any nephews you might have. Would you like a receipt?"
"… yes?"
"Tough, you don't get one."
"Why?"
"Because I said so! Question me again and your soul if forfeit, worm!"
"Well, okay. No need to get snippy."
"So… what do we do now?" Yami asked.
Evil Bakura shrugged. "Well, I'm going to go take one of my new limos to a breakfast buffet. YOU are going to wait two hours and fifty minutes for the arena to be delivered, then most likely another hour for it to be installed. I'll be back before the revenge starts."
Yami got out his watch. "Y'know, I DO have another revenge scheduled for ten o'clock. That leaves me like, twenty minutes to get this revenge wrapped up after the arena's installed,"
"True, but it's not much of a revenge. Twenty minutes should be plenty."
"What do you mean this isn't much of a revenge?" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ asked. "I've put a lot of work into this revenge!"
"Let's put it this way: Pegasus wants revenge because I foiled his plan to bring his wife back from the dead. So, you could even sort of say that I KILLED his wife. People become superheroes over stuff like that," Yami said calmly.
"YOU on the other hand, want revenge because I owe you ten dollars. People become schoolyard bullies over stuff like that. So you see, this revenge, as much effort as I'm sure you put into it, really just doesn't measure up to the other revenge on my agenda. Or really, ANY revenge. Ever. This is by FAR the worst revenge EVER." Yami finished.
The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ looked crestfallen. "But… five thousand years…"
"Yes, yes, we're all very proud of you. So, anyone want to go get breakfast, maybe catch an early movie?"
"NO!" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ roared. "We have to wait here until it's time for my revenge!"
"Aw, come on…"
"NO! We can surely pass the time for four hours! It's barely a second! I've waited five thousand years, you can at least take a few hours!"
"But…"
"FIVE THOUSAND YEARS!"
Yami sighed. "… Alright, alright. Anybody got anything to…" Yami looked back. Tristan was lying on the floor bleeding, and Kaiba was curled in a ball muttering to himself. Everyone else was gone.
"… eat? YOU DAMN TRAITORS!"
The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ smiled. "You SURE you don't want to play monopoly?"
"Oh, sweet Ra…"