Chapter 21
"Alright," The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ began, "it is time for my revenge! FINALLY! Let the duel begin!"
Glad to finally be getting something of import done for the first time that week, everybody perked up considerably, even Yami.
At least until he looked at the lifepoint counters.
D, F, and E S of C and D's™ lifepoints: 9 bajillion
Yami's lifepoints: 2
"HEY!" Yami shouted indignantly. "If you MUST cheat, do you have to do it so blatantly?!"
Yami, this is ridiculous! We're already cursed, why does she have to rig the match MORE?!
"Hee, hee, hee ::HACK, COUGH!::. What can I say? We never talked about the life points beforehand, so I took some liberties. How about I let you have the first move?"
I don't think that really makes up for it. Yugi thought, seriously annoyed.
~ I know that, Yugi, but it's the best we're gonna get.~ Yami thought, drawing his hand. ~Aw, hell.~
The Unbelievable Loser: (Decorated, charmingly, with a picture of Yugi and Yami) 0/-15. NOTE: This monster is cursed and has the power to instantly make the cards in your hand weaker by 60000 atk pts.
The Friendly, Fluffy Kitty of Happiness: -1550/0
Tons of Fun Cube: (Oh, great! Our curse has a sense of humor! Yugi thought bitterly.) Magic Card: This card does absolutely nothing.
The Unhappy Wombat: 0/0. NOTE: If you use this card to attack your own lifepoints directly, its attack becomes 5,000.
Whiskery McThistlepants, the Boxing Badger: 5/5. NOTE: A badger whose boxing record is 0 Wins, 250,000 Losses. This card has the special ability to drink too much whiskey, eat an entire buffet in under an hour, smoke cigars, and call its owner mean names.
He then drew: Saltshaker that dispenses a little too much salt: Trap Card: If this card is played in conjunction with the magic card 'Peppershaker that dispenses a little too much pepper', then the enemy monster's food will have a little too much salt AND a little too much pepper.
"… Well, I'll just have to make do. I lay this card face down (Saltshaker that dispenses a little too much salt), and play the Friendly, Fluffy, Kitten of Happiness in defense mode!" Yami said dramatically.
Yami, you're not fooling anyone with that dramatic talk. This is pathetic.
~I KNOW, Yugi, but I have to keep up appearances.~
"The curse is still on!" Evil Bakura cheered, taking a handful from the popcorn bag in his hand. "This'll be worth watching after all!"
The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ drew her hand, and said "So, Yami, before I destroy you, I must ask you a very meaningful question that could determine the fate of your soul… how exactly do you play this game?"
"WHAT?! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY?!" Yami screamed.
"Well, I saw you playing it so I figured a deck of these cards might be useful… but they have all these numbers, and there are so many colors… I really don't know what to do."
"I don't believe this… just… just put a card down. Whatever." Yami said helplessly.
"Alright!" the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said grandly, "I play… this… in, er, sideways mode!" she said placing a trap card (Crush Card) face up, sideways, in a monster slot.
Yami started sobbing.
"Hey, here's what ya do. First, ya gotta turn that card the other way." Joey coached. "THEN, flip it over, and put it in the bottom row. 'kay?"
"O-okay. Thanks! Now, what else can I do?"
"Well, you could put a monster down. They're the ones with the numbers on the bottom." Mai said helpfully. "They go in the top row."
"AH!" Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said cheerfully, laying Saggi the Dark Clown in attack mode. The clown, being a clown, laughed.
"Are we done with 'Dueling for Dummies'?" Yami asked impatiently. He drew (the Frightened Rat of Intense Cowardice: 1.65/2). "Now! I play the magic card 'Tons of Fun Cube', just to get it out of my hand!" A giant metal cube appeared on the field, where it did nothing.
Tristan smiled. "Beautiful, isn't it?" Kaiba punched him in the kidneys.
"And I'll play the strongest monster my deck has produced in the last week, the almighty Whiskery McThistlepants, the Boxing Badger! In defense mode!" Yami set the defense monster (a grizzled overweight badger in boxing attire) down, where it took a slug from a bottle of 'Uncle Bob's Pure Grain Alcohol', and took a long draw on a cigar.
"Hey, kid, whaddya think yer doin' interruptin' my dinner? I oughta knock yer $%)(*$ block off!" Whiskery said in a slurred voice.
Tea giggled. "Hey, he sounds just like Joey!"
"Whaddya mean he sounds like me? I don't sound nuthin' like that washed up rodent!" Joey said, only cementing the fact that he had the exact same accent as the badger.
"You sayin' their somethin' wrong with soundin' like me, twerp? I oughta pound yer face in!" the badger shouted. Joey climbed into the arena and punched it in the face, where it immediately hid behind it's boxing gloves. "I give, I give! Man, I'm a terrible Boxing Badger." It said sadly, then it took a huge bite out of a sandwich it produced, as its loss record went up to 250,001
Yami just looked on in horror.
Hee, hee… it's a boxing badger. Yugi thought, chuckling.
~Yugi, please, spare me.~ Yami returned. Out loud he said, "Alright, I guess it's your turn. Just do whatever you want."
"Okay… I'll play another one of those purple cards in 'down' mode. Then I'll call this… thing!" The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ proclaimed, laying the Rude Kaiser in attack mode. "What do I do with these monsters, anyway?"
"OH! You… ah… you try to get the… prettiest monsters on the field! Duel Monsters is a beauty contest! Yeah! Your monsters are way prettier than mine, so you're winning! No need to do anything else!" Yami said desperately.
"Whatcha talkin' about, Yug? You know that since her monsters are stronger than yours, she could attack and wipe them out!" Joey said in the tone of someone lecturing an infant.
"YOU IDIOT! HAVE YOU COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME?!" Yami roared.
"Oh… oops." Joey said nervously. Tea hit him with a brick. Yami nodded his thanks to her.
Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ got a sadistic smile on her face. "Alright then… big green scaly thing! Attack his kitten!" The Rude Kaiser leapt forward, and with a vicious slash of its blades reduced the Fluffy, Friendly Kitten of Happiness to a smear on the arena floor.
Whiskery McThistlepants started laughing at Yami. "Wow, you totally suck at this, kid," It said. Yami punched it in the face, and it curled up in a fetal position on the floor. Its loss record went up to 250,002. "I give! I'm such a terrible boxing badger." It said, then it took another swig from its bottle.
Yami drew his next card, 'Peppershaker that dispenses a little too much pepper', and thought, ~Hey, why not?~ "I lay the Unhappy Wombat, in defense mode! Now, I'll implement the ultimate strategy! I play the Peppershaker that Dispenses a Little Too Much Pepper! And I'll use its power to activate the trap card, Saltshaker That Dispenses a Little Too Much Salt! With the power of these two cards combined, your Rude Kaiser's food has entirely too much seasoning!" Yami proclaimed grandiosely. A bowl of potato salad loaded with pepper and salt appeared in front of the Rude Kaiser, who ate it.
Yami, what did I tell you about trying to act impressive in this particular situation?
~I know it's a waste, but I have to at least look like I have a shot at winning! HEY, what's happening over there?~
On the other side of the field, the Rude Kaiser was convulsing horribly, clutching its stomach.
"Of course! How could I have forgotten!" Yami said, slapping his forehead.
"What is it? What happened?" Tea asked.
Bakura shrugged. "You must remember, this story takes place during the period before the Battle City tournament, so the Duelist Kingdom rules are still in effect! This means that individual monsters can be attributed ridiculous weaknesses at any time to make the duel more interesting, and if I had to guess, I'd say the Rude Kaiser is allergic to pepper!"
Yami watched in wonder as the enemy monster's attack dropped to '0'.
Whiskery McThistlepants, the Boxing Badger: 5/5
Rude Kaiser: 0/1600
"I… I actually… have the advantage… I'M GONNA DESTROY A MONSTER!" Yami exulted. "I switch my Boxing Badger to attack mode! DESTROY THE RUDE KAISER WITH YOUR 'DRUNKEN BADGER BOMBER!'" the boxing glove-clad badger swung at the Rude Kaiser, a pitiful little jab that couldn't have dented paper. The enemy monster exploded.
"I… I did it! I won a match!" the Badger shouted joyously. Then its attack points dropped by 5,000.
"WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?!" Yami demanded.
The badger shrugged. "I just realized that the only thing I can beat in a boxing match is someone with food poisoning, and it shattered my self-confidence. Sorry. I'm a terrible boxing badger."
D, F, E, S of C and D™'s LP: 9 bajillion minus 5.
Yami's LP: Still 2
"Hee, hee, a valiant effort, Pharaoh, but to no avail! Now, you will fall before the might of my… swordy… thing!" she said, laying 'Swordstalker' in attack mode. "er… hit his wombat with your… 'really big sword attack!'". Yami's Unhappy Wombat was sliced, diced, and fricasseed.
"Hey, lady, next time ya should hit his attack mode monster! You'll knock him outta the game!" Joey said helpfully.
Yugi took over for a second. "JOEY, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!"
"… sorry, Yug," Joey said. Tea hit him with a brick again.
Yugi sighed helplessly, and let Yami back out. Yami immediately got down off the platform and punched Joey in the face. He then got back up to continue the duel, drawing (Super Ultimate Battle Squirrel: 10,000/10,000. NOTE: If this monster is ever played, in any mode, for any reason, it explodes and its attack points are taken from the owner's lifepoints. HA! You thought you got uncursed for a second, didn't you? Well, too bad, bitch!)
Yami, I'm getting seriously ticked off with this curse.
~You're preaching to the choir, kid.~
***
Meanwhile, a far more important thought was flaring to life in a brain that was, in its own opinion, far superior to Yugi's.
These cards… are very familiar. Kaiba thought. They were all very familiar cards indeed… he had played all of them. But… that didn't necessarily mean… could it be… he had no proof just yet. But he was alerted, now. Oh, yes.
***
"I change my badger, the worthless little bastard…"
"I know!" The badger said, sobbing.
"… to defense mode. And I also lay the the Frightened Rat of Intense Cowardice in defense mode."
The rat took one look around, saw Yugi/Yami's hair, screamed "EEK! A HORDE OF SPEARS!" and had a heart attack.
" ::Sigh::. I end my turn. Just… go."
The Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ drew. "Oh, this card is the coolest one ever! I play this WHITE DRAGON, WITH BLUE EYES! IN FACT, YOU MIGHT ALMOST SAY THAT IT IS A WHITE, BLUE-EYED DRAGON! OR EVEN A BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON!"
In point of fact, she was not truly shouting, nor did she say anything past 'White Dragon with Blue Eyes'. But that is what Kaiba heard, nonetheless.
With a speed that could only be described as 'godlike' and filled with a rage that fit pretty well into that same description, he literally leapt the seventy feet between himself and the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, tackling her right out of the arena. Then, with a wordless scream of purest fury, he began to just horribly pound her.
Most of the watchers turned away in distaste at all the blood and screaming. Yami smiled slightly. Evil Bakura chuckled with sinister glee.
Mai, ever the pragmatist, grabbed Kaiba's deck from atop the dueling arena and held it out to him. Kaiba turned away from his pummeling to grab it.
Instantly, a golden light shown down upon him. All the dirt he had accumulated overnight disappeared. The beard he had begun to develop melted back into his face. The look of insanity in his eyes returned to his normal look of intense evil. His Ferrari drove up to him, running over the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™. The S.S.S.S.S.S dismounted their horses and bowed down.
Suddenly, #2 from the Kaiba… er, TristanCorp… executive board ran up. "SIR! I have great news! It turns out that the plague in Africa was not caused by spam, but was a bio-weapon attack caused by an alliance between a group of swimming chickens and the rats in our basement! You get all your money back, and you can afford to buy the company back from that idiot who lucked onto it!"
Kaiba smiled… evilly. "We really do need to get rid of those rats, somehow… but that's a problem for another day. For now, it's enough that the rats are my problem again! I am once again an evil industrialist!" he turned his smile on Mai, put an arm around he shoulders, and handed her a huge bag of money from inside his trenchcoat. He led her to his car, saying "So, have you ever considered becoming vice-president of a multi-billion dollar corporation? Because I assure you, my brother is soon going to be looking for another job…" With that, Kaiba, Mai, the S.S.S.S.S.S, and #2 all headed back to Tristan… er, KaibaCorp.
Yami looked down at the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, who appeared to be in a coma. "… Is that it?"
Joey shrugged. "I think so. She ain't gettin' up for a while…"
Tristan cried. "My company! Oh, Tons of Fun Cube, we will miss you…"
Tea smiled. "Well, I'm really glad that's all over with!"
Bakura shrugged. "It seems a little anticlimactic, but who am I to complain? I mean, there's nothing left to do."
"So, should we go to da epilogue?" Joey asked.
"I don't know, guys. Something seems… unfinished. Like we forgot something." Yugi said doubtfully.
Suddenly, a huge white limo screeched to a halt, running over the Dark, Foul, and Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™. Its rear door opened, and a red carpet rolled out.
And onto that carpet stepped none other than Maximillion Pegasus, CEO of Industrial Illusions Inc. He favored the group with a sinister smile. "Ten o'clock, right on the button, Yugi-boy. Ready to play?"
-Aw, crap.- Yami and Yugi thought simultaneously.