Chapter 22

Author's Concern 1:  Sorry for the delays.  I just have this problem where I'm extremely lazy.

Author's Concern 2:  Is Noah's storyline ever gonna freakin' end?  'Cause he's starting to piss me off.

Author's Concern 3:  To all you YGO fans, I tried out the newest video game offering, The Falsebound Kingdom, and… ugh.  It's 1/10 Yu-Gi-Oh advertising plug, 9/10 frustration, and 0/10 fun, originality, plot, graphics… y'know, all the stuff that makes a game good.  It's a shameless clone of Ogre Battle 64, except it's not as good.  That game had original characters, a deep plot, a battle system that was easy to use and understand, and most importantly, CUTSCENES.  This game had none of the above.  Yes, that includes CUTSCENES, which are almost essential for telling the story in a strategy game, which this was struggling to be.  All plot advancement was through dialogue boxes with a picture of the character speaking.  Never once is there a computer rendered character seen.  You don't get to SEE Yugi and Bakura discuss what to do next, you get to read what they say to each other while looking at an otherwise blank screen.  Unforgivable, especially when the plot is just 'Yugi and friends are trapped in a virtual world!  Get them out, either by being good with Yugi, or evil with Kaiba!'.     

Its badness really hit home for me because I rented it the same week I bought Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, a game which just blew me away and is continuing to do so.  I beat it… and then IMMEDIATELY started a new game.  I've never done that before.  So, with a great game to compare it to, I realized that the Falsebound Kingdom sucks.  Only true Yu-Gi-Oh! fanatics need apply, and I pity those people.

On with the show!

            Yami sat on his knees and stared blankly into space, tears rolling down his cheeks.  "So close."  He kept whispering.  "It was almost over.  So close." 

            Joey looked at him curiously.  "I wonder what's wrong wit' him?"

            Tea sighed.  "Isn't it obvious?  I mean, we were THIS…" She held her fingers a few millimeters apart, "… close to ending this story.  I think Yami would just keep the curse if it meant he didn't have to put up with this author anymore.  He's suffered almost as much as Kaiba in this 'story', and he's the HERO!"

            Evil Bakura smirked.  "I know!  I kinda like this guy, in the way that I'm not actively plotting his death right at this moment."  He waited a few seconds.  "Okay, now I'm plotting the author's death."

            Gee, thanks, jerk.  Meanwhile, Tristan had gone over to Yami and begun engaging in strenuous scientific analysis to determine the cause of Yami's ailments. 

"Well, poking him with a stick doesn't help, you guys!" Tristan said, putting down the stick he'd been poking Yami with for the last five minutes.  "Maybe if we pick him up and shake him!"

Tea hit him with a brick.

"We gotta do what we did the last time Yugi was like dis!  Quick, Tea, do something love-y and friendship-y!" Joey said.

"That was Yugi.  I don't think Yami will respond to that sort of thing."

"Oh.  Yeah.  Darn."

Evil Bakura sighed impatiently.  "Oh, come off it, he's just a little shook up.  Watch."  He walked over to the pharaoh, who was still softly crying and muttering to himself, and shook him a little.  "Wake up, dolt."  Yami didn't respond, so Evil Bakura shook him harder.  "Come ON, snap out of it!"

When Yami still didn't respond, Evil Bakura kicked him in the side.  "TALK, DAMMIT!" he picked up the brick Tea had been hitting people with.  "SAY SOMETHING, OR I SWEAR I'LL BASH YOUR #(%)*@)%*@! SKULL IN!"

Bakura took back over, saying,  "Get a bloody grip on yourself!  His mind snapped, he's not just going to wake up if you tell him to!"
            ~WHY THE HELL NOT?!~
            That's just not how it works, Yami! 

~… … … … Can I still bash his skull in?~

NO!

~ …stupid little freak… never lets me have any fun… or kill people…~

"Alright, back to square one.  Why is Yami like this?" Tea asked. 

" 'Cause this story has taken his life, cut it into tiny pieces, and ruined every single one of them?" Joey asked, with the air of a student answering a question he's not QUITE sure of the answer to.

"Correct.  Now, how do we make Yami UN-like this?"

Bakura raised his hand. 
            "Yes, Bakura?"

"Well, maybe if we make him THINK the story has ended, he might snap out of it!"

"Very good, Bakura!  A gold star for you!" Tea said.  Bakura smiled proudly.

"But how do we make Yami tink da story's over?" Joey asked.

"Poke him with a stick?" Tristan suggested.  "No, no, we already tried that!  We COULD pour cold water on his head, but that's a dangerous, complicated procedure.  If we fail, his socks could get really wet!  We should try to think of something safer before we resort to drastic measures."

Silence.

"Okay.  Yeah.  Sure." Tea said, slightly creeped out by how SERIOUS Tristan sounded, as though he truly, honestly believed that the 'cold water plan' would cure a major psychological breakdown.  "We'll… keep that plan in the wings.  Any other suggestions?"

Tristan raised his hand.

"Any suggestions that DON'T involve poking him with a stick?"

Tristan lowered his hand.

"Maybe… maybe if WE all acted like the story is over, than Yami will think the story is over too!" Bakura said.  A veritable fountain of good ideas, Bakura was.

"Eh, it worth a try," Joey said.  "Boy!  I'm sure glad that that story is OVER!  No more curses, or humiliating circumstances…"

"No more psych disorders, no more impending doom…" Tea continued, playing along.

"No more being unable to find Dairy Queen, no more stupid staring contests, no more lame and unlikable pseudo-villain who can't even laugh evilly…" Bakura said.  Then, his Ring shone for a moment and his Evil counterpart came out, with a desperate look in his eyes.

"No more… no more money, no more power, no more freedom to do whatever I want and appear wherever I want…" Evil Bakura said.  "It's… it's terrible!  This story is the best thing that's ever happened!  All the people I don't like are suffering, and I've gained huge amounts of wealth and power!  It would be perfect, except you're all still alive!  I can't just let this story end!"
            "Hey, there's a sequel in the works, dude." Tristan reminded him.

"Oh.  Okay.  Go on, then."

Yami blinked a few times.  "Wh-what?  The story… it's over?  The suffering is done?"
            "Actually, we just said all that to wake you… GOD DAMMIT!" Tea swore as Yami's eyes glazed over again.  Suddenly, she was struck with an idea.  She picked up her trusty brick from off the sidewalk and hurled it at Tristan, who was once again poking Yami with a stick.

Then she was struck by a more useful idea.  "Hey, YUGI!" she said loudly.  The Millenium Puzzle shimmered, and Yugi replaced the comatose pharaoh. 

"Yeah?  What's up?  I thought the story was over last chapter!  I just opened up a can of spiritual pudding." Yugi said cheerfully.

"Well, that was the case, until we remembered Yami is still cursed… spiritual pudding?  My Yami never told me about spiritual pudding…" Bakura said, sounding disappointed.

~Hey, that stuff costs a spiritual dollar a cup!  Spiritual money doesn't grow on trees!~ Evil Bakura thought indignantly.

"Okay.  So the story didn't end?" Yugi asked.

"You guessed it.  And now we can't get Yami to acknowledge the universe." Tea informed him.

Yugi thought a moment.  "Well, have you tried poking him with a stick?"

"Oh, you've gotta be joking…" Tea groaned.

"Yes, Yugi, I did.  Great minds, it seems, think alike, but even the immense power and scientific precision of a perfectly executed stick poking failed to alleviate the problem." Tristan said somberly.

"Oh, that is bad.  Maybe if we picked him up and shook him?  Or poured cold water on his head?"

"YUGI!" Tea shrieked.  "BE SERIOUS FOR A SECOND HERE!  THIS IS A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!  HOW COULD ANY OF THAT POSSIBLY WORK?!"

"Don't underestimate the power of cold water, Tea.  It might surprise you."

"Yug…" Joey said, interjecting before Tea exploded,  "We were sorta hopin' you might be able to talk him out of it."

"Well, I guess I can try."  Yami?  You in there?

~Yugi?  … … …go away.  Toss the puzzle in a trash compactor and live without me.  I just want it all to stop!~

You cannot just give up!  How many times have you pushed me to go on when I was about to surrender?  How many times have you saved me?
            ~It was just luck.  I'm really just… nothing.  I'm a failure.~

Yami, think about King Tut!  King Tut wouldn't have given up, he would have gotten back up, and built Egypt no matter what! If King Tut had just given up, you never would have been pharaoh in the first place.

~Yugi, I was pharaoh before King Tut.~
            ………What?

~I was pharaoh before him.  HE wouldn't have been pharaoh without ME.~

Oh.  Well, screw King Tut.  Think… Nancy Kerrigan!  SHE wouldn't have given up until she got the gold, and neither should you!

~She took the silver, Yugi.  She lost.~

Dammit, isn't there anyone who inspires you?!  All right, I didn't want to do this, but if you don't snap out of it and help us uncurse you, I'll make you watch… THIS!  A spiritual DVD of 'Gigli', starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez!

Yugi's body, now with Yami piloting, woke up.  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  ALL RIGHT!  I'M UP, I'M UP!  JUST TAKE THAT HORRIBLE THING AND BURN IT BEFORE IT REPRODUCES!"

Tea pumped her fist in triumph.  "YES!  Step one complete!  Now, all we need is…"

"To remove a horrible Egyptian curse that lasts forever and has never been successfully removed?" Evil Bakura completed. 

"Well, yeah.  But when you put it that way it sounds so hard!"

The Dark Spirit of the Ring smiled coldly.  "As it happens, it may be very simple indeed.  I believe that I have the key to destroying this curse… but if it succeeds, I will of course demand ample compensation."  His eyes fell hungrily on the puzzle. 

Inside the ring, Bakura's eyes widened.  NOOOOOOO! He thought desperately, but when he tried to take over it was like ramming into a wall.  Locked away by his Yami's power, Bakura stared helplessly, a prisoner in his own body.

Yami scowled.  "I cannot trust you… but I have no other choice.  If you can help, I must allow you to try."

Evil Bakura's smirk grew wider.  "Very well, I will need your puzzle."

DON'T LET HIM TOUCH IT! Bakura thought desperately. 

The tomb robber took the golden artifact from the pharaoh, and gazed at it with open lust for power in his eyes.  He stayed like that for a few moments, then began muttering an Egyptian spell under his breath…

Right before he reared back and slammed the point of the puzzle into his right eye. 

What were you seriously expecting?

"OH $#^(*&#$^ IT HURTS!  MY EYE, MY $#)(*$#^ EYE!  IT HURTS SO $(*&$%$#(%&$ MUCH!" The spirit cried as he writhed on the ground clutching his eye.

::Sigh::.  I knew it.  I tried to stop you.  If you had let me warn them not to let you do that, you wouldn't be in this predicament.  Bakura thought in a long-suffering tone of voice.    

"Um… yeah.  Sure." Yami said.  "I have a strange feeling that may not have succeeded."

            Evil Bakura sighed, painfully.  "Well, I'm out of ideas, then… ow… so I'm getting out of here before I start to pick up whatever disease makes you people such losers.  Anyhow, I've got an island to inspect, and an eye to replace.  So long, suckers!" with that, one of his new limos swooped in, picked him up, and drove off.

            "Now, does anyone have any ideas that aren't stupid?" Yami asked.

            Joey shot up, an enlightened expression on his face, as though a light bulb had switched on in his brain.  "Yami, I tink I might have just da ting for ya!  Wait here while I go get it!"  he then sprinted off in the direction of his house.  He didn't live very far away, so it only took a few minutes before he came back with a long, thin object wrapped in brown paper.  Joey, grinning from ear to ear, said proudly, "I have yet to encounter a problem this little baby can't solve!"

            He then unwrapped a very expensive-looking wooden baseball bat.

            Yami blinked, confused.  "How could that possibly help?"

            WHAM!

            Joey smashed it into Yami's forehead.

            "Joey!  What the hell did you do that for?!" Tea shrieked, rushing over to check the unconscious pharaoh for a pulse.

            "In my experience, there is no problem that cannot be solved by hitting it with a baseball bat." Joey said serenely.

            Tea sighed.  "Well, now we have to wait for him to wake up.  Hey, for all I know it actually worked!"

            One hour later…

            "Owwwwww…" Yami said, rubbing his head.

            "Oh, he's awake!"  Tea said excitedly.  "Quick, check to see if Joey's… remedy… worked!"

            Yami drew a card, and when his vision cleared, he said, "Nope."

            WHAM!

            "JOEY!  If it didn't work once it probably won't work now!"

            "Hey, maybe I just didn't hit him hard enough."

            "::SIGH::.  Well, we just have to wait some more…"

            One hour later…

            "Oh, my head…"  Yami moaned.

            WHAM!
             "DAMMIT, JOEY!" 

            One hour later…

            Yami faded back into conciousness, wiped the blood off his forehead, and desperately tried to focus his vision in spite of the skull-splitting agony he was experiencing.  "G-guys… why does my head hurt so much?"

            Tea, who had taken the bat from Joey and (Demonstrating strength that would have been the envy of many a professional weightlifter) smashed it into kindling, said "Well, the search for a cure got a tiny bit out of hand.  We're back on track now."

            "Ow… ow… ow… okay.  Does anybody else have an idea?"

            Tea grinned slightly, and turned beet red.  "Well, I… maybe… might have… oh, I'm so embarrassed!"

            "What?  It can't make me feel any worse…"  Yami's eyes got wide and fearful,  "Can it?"

            "Well, its just that in all those fairy tales, the curse is always broken with a kiss so, maybe… I… hee, hee!" She broke off, giggling and even redder than before. 

            Yugi's spiritual eyes widened in shock.  Yami, on the other hand, got a smirk on his face and started looking over Tea.  "Yeah," he said slyly, "That sounds like a great idea."

Yami!  You can't just take advantage of our friend like this!  You know that won't do anything!
            ~Zip it, twerp.~  Yami said, shutting Yugi down.  To Tea he said, "Yes, that idea has a lot of potential.  I vote we try it out.  Maybe try it a few times, just to make sure."

Tea giggled again.  "Well, okay…"

Yami's smirk got even wider, and he closed his eyes.  He felt a pair of lips touch his own, hold for a few seconds, and then leave.  Yami opened his eyes to say something slick… and what he saw paralyzed him.  Standing several feet away were Joey and Tea, their faces caught somewhere between amusement and nausea, as though they had just seen something that made them want to simultaneously laugh and vomit. 

And standing in front of Yami, his arms folded proudly across his chest and a confident 'I am SUCH a genius' smile on his face, was Tristan.

Yami and Yugi's brains went into overdrive for just a second, while they processed this disturbing information. 

Oh, no.  HELL no.  Yugi thought, desperately.

"ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Yami screamed.