Chapter 23
Author's Concern: I was looking through my reviews, because they validate my existence, and I just noticed something. My Author's Note got more reviews than the majority of my actual, physical chapters. Should I be concerned by that? Am I just funnier than Yugi and Kaiba, or is my story just boring you people? Should, maybe the sequel be just chapter after chapter of me ranting about things that kind of annoy me? Because there are plenty of things that annoy me; like how my history teacher has this annoying accent that sounds like some unholy mixture of Swedish and Irish and I want to beat it out of her with a stick. Or how people always drive ten mph slower when there's snow on the ground, even if there isn't ANY on the road?
Yeah… yeah… I like it! Yugi is starting to piss me off, so the sequel is going to be all about me. No more these anime characters! All me, all the time. It'll be great.
P.S.— I realize that this MAY sound like one of my trademark 'jokes', but it's not. I just can't stand that spiky-haired little twerp any longer.
P.S.S— Okay, so I was joking. On with the story.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Yami screamed. Or, to be more accurate, KEPT screaming. It had been a solid ten minutes since Tristan had… … y'know, and Yami just kept letting out the same bloodthirsty scream. Every so often, he would pick up something rough and frantically scrape his mouth against it, trying to 'kill off the Tristan germs' before they 'burned through his skull'. Everyone watching was pretty sure that SOMETHING had already gone straight through his skull and eaten his brain.
"Yami…" Tea said, softly, "It's not that bad, is it? It's just one little…"
"Not. That. Bad?" Yami said, slowly. "NOT THAT BAD? NOT THAT BAD?! OF COURSE IT'S 'THAT BAD', YOU IDIOT! I JUST GOT KISSED BY $%)(*$%)$% TRISTAN! I CAN FEEL HIS VILE, EVIL TRISTAN-GERMS BURNING AWAY AT MY SKIN! YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW BAD IT IS?!" He drew into his deck and a picked out a card, holding it up to show it was the Dark Magician. "I'M CURED! IT COMPLETELY FIXED ME, AND I DON'T CARE! I'M MORE UNHAPPY THAN BEFORE! NOW EVEN THIS GUY-" he pointed to himself, "WANTS TO DIE! HE'S SAYING WE JUST END OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW, AND Y'KNOW, I'M HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING A REASON NOT TO!"
Tea blinked. "Yugi? But, he… always looks on the bright, happy side!"
The pharaoh vanished, replaced with his younger counterpart. Although the two had, in truth, never looked more alike. Yugi had the same snarl of rage and disgust on his face. "THERE IS NO BRIGHT SIDE! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE! IF I HAD KNOWN THIS IS HOW THIS CURSE WOULD BE BROKEN, I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOTHERED TRYING TO CURE IT! I WOULD HAVE TAKEN UP CHESS OR SOMETHING! I WOULD HAVE LET YAMI DRIVE A PENCIL INTO OUR HEAD! I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN BACK TO PEGASUS, TELLING HIM TO COME TO TOWN EARLY AND FINISH US OFF!" Yugi roared.
"oh…" Tea said, and shut up.
Tristan, seemingly totally oblivious to Yugi/Yami's rage, smiled confidently. "I just knew it. No problem cannot be solved by adding a little Tristan to it!"
Joey looked at his friend, a little creeped out. "Ya do realize it only worked 'cause it made him feel worse than being cursed did."
"Yessir, my magic touch solves everything!"
Yugi, who was scraping his lips against the cement to try and clean them off, looked up at the sound of Tristan's voice.
"YOU." He said. His voice was different, not truly the voice of Yugi or Yami, but rather as though the two were speaking at the same time, with the same incredible
fury driving them. Their joined body glowed black, eerily similar to the way Isis had shined when SHE had been on the warpath. "YOU UNBELIEVABLE IDIOT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"No, no need to thank me." Tristan said modestly. "All in a day's work!"
"NOW YOU WILL SUFFER THE FATE OF ALL THOSE WHO CHALLENGE THE PHARAOH!" they screamed, and in a display of unbelievable power and horrible majesty, they banished Tristan, body and soul, into the eternal darkness and torment of the Shadow Realm.
"Ah!" Yugi sighed, happily. "Much better!"
Harsh, just a little? Nah.
"Wow… Yugi… you sure did… murder Tristan…"
"Are you saying he didn't deserve it?" Yugi asked softly, his eyes starting to glow red again.
"N-nope! Not at all, not me, no way!" Tea said frantically.
"He was askin' for it!" Joey agreed, trembling.
"Ah, that's good. I'd hate to lose you two, you actually matter to the plot overall. I'm sure we can find a cardboard cutout or robotic pet to fill Tristan's position. Oh, how about one of those little robot dogs that makes a yipping noise, and when you hold a little bone in front of it, it grabs on? I've always wanted one."
"Yug…" Joey said, nervously, "Ya seem awful chipper for someone who just betrayed all his morals and eradicated the life and soul of a person who…"
"If you say that he didn't do anything, you'll be keeping him company," Yugi said calmly.
"–Totally, and completely deserved everything awful that happened to him. His crimes were to horrible to contemplate."
"Excellent. Now that we're all agreed on that, what should we do now?"
Tea thought. "We could… duel Pegasus?"
"Did it... sorta."
"Duel Kaiba?"
"He left."
"Duel Malik?"
"He won't be showing his face in daylight for a few more years."
"We're all out of villains then. We can probably just go home." Tea said, shrugging helplessly.
"Oh. Well, I guess. Seems like a lame way to end the story thouULK!" Yugi said, as quite suddenly the Millennium Puzzle began to fiercely glow. It filled the entire street with a golden glow that outshone the sun, and when it faded, a fourth person was standing there. A very angry, fully physical Yami.
"LIKE. HELL!" He roared.
"How… you… I… you… How'd you get out here?" Yugi asked numbly.
"Shut up you stupid little bastard!"
"Yessir."
"Now. I have been TORMENTED this entire week. This story has been a HORRIBLE ORDEAL IN MIND NUMBING PAIN! I will be damned if I let it end on a note as lame as 'let's all go home!'" He stomped toward Tea and hooked his arm
through hers. "Now, sweetie. I believe YOU owe me a 'curse removal'. I vote we go back to my place…" he paused, looking back at Yugi (Whose jaw had dropped, and who was turning an intriguing shade of red). "…on second thought, let's go to YOUR place, wouldn't want that little twerp interfering… And practice 'curse removal' for a few hours." He winked lasciviously.
Tea giggled, and with her own glance at Yugi (one that said 'YOU could have done this, but you had to go and fixate on the foreign exchange student. Well, she was an evil… sort of… witch, and YOU are out of luck, jerk.') She turned to Yami and said, "I'm game." The two strolled off toward Tea's house.
Joey chuckled. "Heh, heh, heh… wayta go, Yami!"
"JOEY! He's completely taking advantage of Tea!"
"Hey, gotta respect a guy that slick. Well, I'm gonna go home… and freakin' sleep. This whole 'adventure' sure had us keeping some odd hours,"
"Good point. Hey, Joey?"
"Ya?"
"Let's never, ever, ever, ever, ever speak of this whole atrocious series of ridiculous and pointless events again. Okay?"
"Fine by me, Yug."
The two set off for their respective homes, stepping over the broken form of the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ on their way. Nobody had bothered to scrape her off the street.
She made a sort of burbling sound, and continued bleeding and such.
***
The two reached Yugi's house. "Well, Joey, it's almost over. The chances of anything strange and ridiculous happening now…"
Rebecca walked out of the Game Shop, wearing black robes much too big for her, and carrying Teddy, who was wearing a similar set of robes. "Hi, Yugi! I'm a Rare Hunter! UWEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!" she cackled insanely, and then simply wandered off.
"…are getting better all the time." Yugi said helplessly.
"Yeah, that was freaky." Tristan agreed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yugi and Joey screamed in unison.
"TRISTAN?! HOW THE @#$%(*&@#% DID YOU GET HERE?!" Yugi screamed in sheer horror.
"I walked up from down the street. Duh." Tristan said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"But… buddy… weren't ya banished to da Shadow Realm?"
"Oh, that. Well, I was in this big dark place, so I sat down. Well, then I got hungry, so I wandered around, and then I got lost and found myself in Dairy Queen with Bakura. And I was so happy I gave him a hug, and then it was Evil Bakura and he told me that if he ever saw me again he would rip out my intestines and use them as a noose to hang me with. So I came to see you guys!"
"… I give up. I just give up. There's no point in continuing to live anymore. It's lost all meaning." Yugi said sadly.
"Oh, well don't worry about that! Everything is about to take a turn for the better!" Tristan said proudly.
"No, it isn't. If YOU think it is, that means it will actually swirl down into a horrible pit of despair. Swirl down FURTHER, I mean."
"No, no, no! Happiness is just around the corner! You see, just before I lost TristanCorp., I used my business influence to get you a FREE 'Tons of Fun Cube'!" Tristan said, smiling widely.
"… … what the hell am I going to do with a six-ton metal cube that doesn't do anything?"
"Why, you can have all kinds of fun with it!"
"How?!"
"You can have TONS of
FUN! And it will be delivered by six
freight helicopters right to your house, any second now!"
WheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeBOOM!
With a sound eerily reminiscent of a cartoon bomb falling, the huge metal cube fell from the sky… onto Yugi's house. It completely crushed front half of the shop/home, before sinking far, far into the ground from the force of the impact. In the remaining half of the house, Grandpa could now be seen eating breakfast off of what was (now) half a table. "Um… wow. That was awfully close," he said, eyes wide. "I'm going to a hotel. Yugi, clean it up, won't you? Bye!" He said, and strolled off whistling.
Yugi looked in horror at the ruins of his house. "YOU… IDIOT…"
"No need to thank me. Well, I'm off to my own home now, for some rest and relaxation! Buh-bye!"
As Tristan walked away, Joey looked a little worried. "Hey, Yug. Tristan and I are pals, right,"
"Yes, although I can't see why," Yugi said despondently, wondering how he was going to clean this up.
"Well, ya don't suppose he sent ME one a dese, do ya?"
About a half-mile away, a metal cube fell from the sky, right where Joey's house was.
"Dammit! Ah well, maybe it hit my dad. I gotta go find a nice bench in the park to camp out on. See ya!"
"Hey, Joey. Didn't Evil Bakura say something about mailing a letter bomb to Tristan?"
"I tink so."
From close (maybe a quarter mile) to Joey's house, a small mushroom cloud erupted. Tristan's voice could be clearly heard screaming "OH SWEET JESUS, IT HURTS! THAT WAS BAD MAIL!"
Joey and Yugi both smiled. "Ya know, Yug, I feel strangely better now." Joey commented.
"Y'know, I feel a little bit better too. See you around, Joey."
After Joey headed off, Yugi looked at the ruins of his home and sighed despondently. He reached down and put one loose brick on top of another one. They fell over. Yugi started to cry.
Behind him, Rebecca walked past. She turned to him and said, "I went the wrong way. The bus stop is the other way. UWEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" she cackled insanely, and wandered off.
***
Deep in the sewers beneath Domino, Malik stumbled around in the filth, lost and confused. At least Isis wasn't after him anymore, and his Yami was back in the rod where he belonged. He passed down a tunnel that looked particularly old, and when he got to the end he saw something that looked like a common wooden door.
At last, something that resembles an exit from this hellhole! He thought angrily. Wallowing in muck for hours tended to make him a little bit grumpy.
He opened the door and stepped inside. There was a sign inside. He shone the light from his Millennium Rod on it and saw that it said "KaibaCorp., the world's Leader in Horrible Weapons of Death since 1934."
"Wow." He muttered. KaibaCorp hadn't made weapons in years, since Seto Kaiba had taken over. They must have renovated and paved over this area. Suddenly, he heard a growling from somewhere to his left. He shifted the Rod that way, and saw a nightmare vision. Three creatures, similar in form to rats but the size of a large dog, were snarling at him. And behind them were dozens of red, glowing eyes. Suddenly, in his mind, he heard a mighty telepathic voice: –Greetings, little mortal. We are the greatest of beings, the mighty Rats of Kai-Bacorp, masters of this underrealm. We shall rend your flesh and grind your bones to a fine powder.–
"Um… can't we talk about this?"
–No, not really. We're, y'know, horrible irradiated beasts. It's kind of in our nature to devour the weak and foolish humans who wander into our realm. It's a genetic thing.–
*Actually, I'm not really hungry*
–Dammit, Steve! You never want to devour anything! Its always 'I'm not hungry' or 'he looks fast, let's not chase him'! If you had your way, we'd all starve to death!–
*Hey, I can't help if I'm a light eater! And anyway, humans taste funny!*
–Listen, Steve, your tastes are your business, but we've got a weak and foolish mortal to devour. You don't have to devour him if you don't want to.–
/Actually, I'm not hungry either. Had a big breakfast./
–Oh, not you too Bob! At this rate we're all going to die of malnutrition before we eat this guy! You KNOW how I get if I don't get my daily RDA of Vitamin C…–
(Hey, where'd he go?)
Malik, never an idiot, had turned around and run for his life.
–GET HIM!–
*I told you I wasn't hungry!*
–DAMMIT, STEVE!–
The End.
"Thank God!" Malik said, stopping to rest.
Author: There's still an epilogue, dude.
"Dammit!" he swore, starting to run again as a giant rat turned a corner and caught sight of him.