Title: Painful memories of love

Author: Joy

Email: Julianna@ziplip.com

Rating: PG-13

18.

            Haley's fainting spell made the doctors nervous about releasing her without another 48 hours of observation and testing. Lucas could not seem to convince the staff that her reaction was perfectly natural for what she had overheard. She hadn't mentioned remembering anything about the brown haired Scott so Lucas just held his breath and waited until his baby bro showed up.

Haley was getting used to using her legs again in the courtyard of the hospital that same night when Nathan spied her from afar. He knew Lucas would be watching so he had better not screw up if he wanted to sustain any sort of relationship with Haley at all.

For Haley's part she just felt like she had to find her sea legs. The feeling only increased when Nathan Scott approached her. If she were honest with herself she did find him physically attractive but she found Lucas more attractive. Even as this other boy approached for what appeared to be no reason, her stomach dipped at the thought of Lucas, of the way he had held her, of the way he kissed her, of the thoughts of other things she would like to do with him.

Nathan stood before her. "Haley," he called since she didn't seem to be all there.

Haley tilted her head to the side like a small dog, "Nathan Scott? What are you doing here?"

"Lucas said I could come." Nathan shifted uncomfortably. He gazed at her lovingly as he remembered how her auburn hair shone red in the North Carolina sun.

"Why would you want to come visit?" she asked innocently. "Oh wait. Does this have something to do with Peyton?"

"No. You were my tutor...and we became close." There was no recognition in her eyes.

"Why would I have done that? Why would I have hurt Lucas for you?" Haley questioned in slight fear.

Nathan looked pained and came close entering her personal space as if it were the most natural thing in the world for him to be there. "It wasn't like that. Please...Look at me and try to remember."

Haley looked around the courtyard in search of something. "Where is Lucas? I don't believe Lucas would say you could come bother me."

"Please try to remember me...Its important," Nathan begged.

She looked at him with sympathy and for a short moment remembered him in her bedroom. He was saying that he needed her. Haley grabbed her head and tugged at her hair. "That's not right. That can't be right," she mumbled and slid to her knees. "I wouldn't have let you..." she whispered unheard by Nathan.

"Haley...Haley what's wrong?" Nathan immediately went to her trying to help her stand but she pushed him off.

"Get away from me," she yelled and grabbed her head again.

Her brain took over trying to feed her as many memories as possible. This time Haley saw in her memory Nathan screaming at her in public and her just taking his abuse. She saw him at her house before kissing her but then she also saw him outside the diner where she wouldn't let him in. She saw a romantic diner and him being tutored by her. Haley saw a flash of his angry face in a glass window as it broke. She saw herself yell at him in front of Lucas and not letting him in her house. Finally Haley saw herself at a party Nathan threw and then humiliation of Lucas at various times. That is when she opened her eyes with absolute hate.

Nathan had never seen that expression on Haley's face before. She had been upset with him and even angry but this look struck him as absolute disgust.

"What the hell have you done to my life?" she yelled getting to her feet again. "How the hell did you get me to be with you? How did you get me to betray Lucas like that when you were so awful?"

By now Lucas was no longer an observer and had come running. "Haley... Haley... what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's WRONG?!" she snapped. "You didn't mention I lost my mind and dated 'that'!" She pointed to Nathan and he looked ready to die at the hate in Haley's voice. "This is the secret...Nathan Scott.  No wonder no one had the courage to tell me."

Lucas decided to be his mother's son and help Nathan. "I know you are upset because you don't understand how things happened...but don't act like this. Nathan loves you...even now."

Nathan swallowed convulsively staring at his brother in an attempt to understand why Lucas was being kind.

"He is a spoil rich kid that can't see past the end of his nose. He was awful to me and to you." Haley spouted unconcerned with Nathan's feelings because as far as she was concerned nothing had changed since September.

"Sometimes yes...and sometimes no...at least with you. He and I have come to an uneasy peace since the accident," Lucas asserted eyeing his brother.

"What accident? He did this! He was outside my window right before it broke. He is the reason I have Swiss cheese for a brain and I am not going to be big about this Lucas." Haley ignored Nathan entirely, "He is Dan's son...and he acts it. He will be the same spoiled rich kid he always has been. He threw a temper tantrum and I got hurt..."

Haley walked up to Nathan who had remained silent. She pushed her finger into the middle of his chest and said, "I don't care who you are or what pull your daddy has. I am not going to let you get away with this. I am going to press charges for assault."

Tears ran down Nathan's face when he shut his eyes. She hated him. Absolutely despised him. It was more than he could bear. "Whatever you want Haley," said in almost no voice.

Haley was unnerved by his tone of his voice and sympathy began to resonate with in her. Lucas seized the opportunity and turned her round to face him. "No Haley. Nathan and the ADA have a good deal worked out. Please don't let your frustration screw that up."

"Why are you defending him?" Haley fumed. "He hurt me. He humiliated you..."

"Because Haley...he's lost a lot...and he didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't see the look on his face..."

Lucas pulled Haley to a bench and sat them down. "Haley, Nathan has had to deal with me getting on the team, Dan riding him to get me to quit, Peyton breaking up with him, being a general dumb-ass about a ton of stuff, constant pressure from Dan, falling for you which he didn't anticipate, taking drugs to keep up with Dan's demands, losing you, and you and I starting to date plus his mother kicked Dan out. That is an awful lot to deal with. Coming by your house and finding me there was tough but coming by later and see you kiss me was more than he could take. You were the one thing in his life that made sense and you were gone by your own choosing."

Nathan grit his teeth. Lucas understood what he was going through even if Nathan didn't want to admit it...and damn if it didn't annoy him. It was so much easier to hate Lucas, but here Lucas was defending him to Haley. Keith was right, he really was the ill-bred one.

"So we just let him get away with it?" Haley snapped. "Just one more time when poor little rich boy gets away with murder."

Lucas shook his head, "No Hales...Nathan went in to the police of his own volition and confessed to do right by you. He is working at the diner to cover for you. He is paying for your hospital bills and mine. Nathan is having to deal with Dan's reaction to the fact he confessed without talking to Dan first...The only silver lining for him is the ADA was able to see what he has to deal with at home due to Dan's out burst at the station...Nathan is not getting away with anything." Lucas touched Haley's bruised brow and said, "As long as you and I don't press charges the violation is vandalism and that shouldn't screw up his chances for colleges but assault is a much bigger deal. See it for what it is...a really stupid mistake... and he is paying for it."

Haley sighed deeply and took in Nathan's distress. "How did we get together and why did we break up?"

Nathan swallowed and said, "You were my tutor...and you believed in me. You made me feel things I never had before."

"I was your tutor...you actually admitted you needed help with something?" Haley questioned. Lucas and Nathan looked at each other. Haley laughed, "Oh I get it. I was a way to get at Lucas and I was too stupid to see it. Well, it won't happen again...So I regained my sanity when?"

Nathan grit his teeth and looked at the ground. He couldn't deal with his relationship with Haley being boiled down to what she was distilling it to.

Lucas looked at his girlfriend and said, "No matter what the reasons it started and what reasons it stopped, you cared very deeply for Nathan...and I know he loves you. Being angry won't change anything."

"But I'm dating you?" Haley asked, wanting to make sure.

Lucas sighed, "You and I started dating the night of the accident. We had a real date to a big fancy party...we..." Lucas looked at his brother in pain knowing it would hurt Nathan. "We told each other 'I love you' for the first time." Nathan turned his head away in pain and anguish. "You and Nathan had only been broken up a few days. Nathan was still trying to get you back that night."

"I see...so you feel guilty about the way things went down...like maybe you did steal me from him so you're cutting him slack," Haley surmised.

Lucas shook his head, "What is wrong with you? I have never seen you be this hateful."

He looked so confused that Haley breathed deeply and looked on Nathan again. "I'm just so confused and when I get confused I get scared..."

"...and when you get scared you get angry," Nathan whispered quietly.

Both Lucas and Haley looked at Nathan as he began to speak, "I'm sorry." He met Haley's eyes dead on, "I'm sorry for what happened and for the hurt I caused you both. I'm sorry for being so screwed up I lost the best person I have known in my life. I'm sorry that I have missed out on having a brother but mainly a friend. And more than anything I am sorry for being unable to be who you deserve Haley. The only solace I have is that you are with the person who is deserving of your affections."

Nathan swallowed slowly gazing at the couple and knowing this is the way it was supposed to be. "I will always regret you," Nathan slightly smirked. "I guess you were wrong Haley. I did turn out to be Willoughby as I feared and not Colonel Brandon as you hoped." He smiled sadly, "Thank you Haley for everything you gave me. I am a better person for having been with you." With that Nathan turned away.

Haley's eyes filled with tears as she remembered the discussion Nathan was referring to. He had read Sense and Sensibility because she liked the book. "Did you finish it?" she called after him.

Nathan turned back and smiled, "I did." He sighed, "I had to do something to feel connected to you."

Haley nodded, "Then I'll continue being your tutor."

The dark haired boy blinked several times. In almost no voice he said, "Thank you." She nodded again.

Haley looked at Lucas who was sitting quietly before he smiled and said, "He does realize you are more Eleanor than Marianne, doesn't he?"

She smiled, "Yes Edward."

Lucas grinned and kissed her nose. "Let's get you inside. It's late." He took her hand and kissed it before pulling her to her feet.

The couple made their way back into the building while Nathan watched. "I love you Haley James," he said to the January night. "Even if I'm too late."

Tbc...

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