"Umm excuse me, I'm looking for Alaney Rose. She was taken in a few hours
ago" Sara told the woman at the hospital reception desk.
"Are you a relative?" the woman asked.
"Yes I am" Sara replied.
The woman told her what room Alaney was in and Sara made her way hurriedly. Grissom followed refusing to leave when Sara had suggested he go. He was desperate to stay. When Sara got there she was greeted by a doctor.
"Are you a relative?" the doctor asked.
"I am" Sara told him.
"What is your relationship to Miss Rose" the doctor asked.
Sara looked distressed to tell him.
"Ma'm I need to know. Please, sit down. Alaney has suffered kidney failure" the doctor explained.
"What!. How? Why?" Sara asked
"Preferably she needs a kidney transplant as soon as possible and her relatives are our first call. Could you contact other relatives and ask them if they'd be willing to be tested?. Would you be willing to be tested, Ma'm?" the doctor asked.
"Of course!. Why are we waiting around here then?. How long has she got before it's too late?" Sara asked shocked and panicked.
"She's alright she's on temporary dialysis. She's not conscious yet but it very unlikely she won't be in the next 24 hours - her body just needs to recuperate. Preferably we need relatives to donate because it's more likely they'll be a match. If not we'll find a non relative kidney - mostly likely a cadaver - that's a deceased person. If she rejects that kidney we'll try dialysis - but that will involve her coming into hospital every week for the rest of her life. Preferably we need relatives being tested as soon as possible" the doctor said.
"I think I might be of real use!" Sara said excited.
"What relative are you, Ma'm?. Some can be more likely than others" the doctor asked.
"I'm the most chance a child could ever get!" Sara replied.
"A sibling?. They're often the most likely match. Identical twins are best" the doctor replied.
"She hasn't got a twin I'm afraid. Doctor how did she get kidney failure?" Sara asked alerted.
"She has a duplex kidney doesn't she?" the doctor replied looking at her medical records.
"Yeah, but that isn't serious enough to cause kidney failure!. Even if it had got to that stage - she would have been in hospital before now with a kidney infection!" Sara reasoned.
"Ah but there's a catch. She has anorexia!" the doctor said looking at the medical records.
"What?. No, this can't be happening!" Sara said devastated.
"Because she has a duplex kidney plus an eating disorder it's caused great damage to her kidney - it's now failed and now the anorexia plus the work being demanded on the one working kidney is causing the other one to also begin to fail. She needs a kidney immediately before both of them fail!" the doctor insisted.
"But how can she be anorexic?!?. No! - She isn't skinny, doctor!. Have you seen her?. I wouldn't call her fat but she's a healthy weight!!" Grissom disputed.
"Yeah!. You've got to be wrong. We've seen her eat!. She eats lots!" Sara disputed.
The doctor looked at the medical records.
"Sorry I got it wrong. Most of the eating disorder is actually bulimia and only some anorexia bouts. Bulimia is having a worse effect on those kidneys!. They just couldn't cope!" the doctor said.
"Have you checked if she's pregnant?" Sara asked.
"What?" Grissom said.
"Well, you say she's got eating disorders but she isn't skinny - so where's the weight coming from?" Sara said.
The doctor looked at her medical records.
"She's not pregnant, nope", the doctor replied, "she's hasn't been bulimic for that long actually - it's not showing yet. Plus I assume that her digested eating is outweighing her non digested eating. Plus often starving your self for only a day or two at a time actually makes you put weight on - your body produces fat to survive. She's isn't that far down the line of a eating disorder - 3 or 4 months tops - plus she doesn't seem very committed. But because she has a duplex kidney her body just couldn't cope with her messing around with it. Plus on top of her eating disorder she moved to Nevada!. She's not used to such heat and she's hardly been drinking fluids from the look of it!. This harmed a kidney already in trouble. All factors added up - equals a failed kidney and the other one is on its way if we're not careful!" the doctor replied.
"Grissom can I have word with you in private?. Excuse me doctor" Sara said.
Sara took Grissom aside.
"Are you really related to her, Sara?. Because if your not you need to tell him right now!" Grissom insisted.
"I wasn't lying to the hospital staff about being her relative, Grissom. Laney is my sister!. My dad got some woman pregnant and so she dump her on our doorstep. Paternity's even been proven. Look Grissom, I need to have a private word with the doctor about Laney's medical history and my family's etc. So - please could you go get a coffee with Cath or something. I'll keep you updated when you return. Just give us twenty minutes tops!" Sara admitted.
"Why didn't you tell me? - Oh Sara! - I wish you'd told us!. It makes sense, I suppose!. She reminds you me of you - even facially!. You have similar shaped eyes, eyebrows texture, shape of face is similar, chin, smile, cheekbones, hair texture, and etcetera. You even walk similarly! - but that's not necessarily genetics!"
"We look nothing alike!. She has blond hair and I have brunette!. Stop it!. We look completely different!. Stop it!" Sara defended.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I'll go find Catherine" Grissom said.
Grissom left but before he went he turned and looked round to see Sara talking to the doctor. He sighed - he was so worried about Alaney and Sara.
Later on, Grissom and Catherine were sitting there. They were both stunned to silence. They were both so worried about Alaney. It was at that point that Sara came down the corridor.
"We won't know the test results for donor matches for another 30 days!. 30 days! - How are we meant to wait that long!" Sara exclaimed.
"Will she have to be in hospital that time?. Will she be able to survive 30 days?!?" Catherine asked.
"She'll be able to stay on hospital support for another week to get her up to a suitable health. Then she'll have to go to hospital every few days for temporary dialysis until we get the results. I'm so scared they'll be no match!. What if she dies?!?. I'm scheduled to be tested tomorrow. I'm going to have to have the day off work" Sara said.
"Of course, I don't want to see you in work for at least four days!" Grissom said.
"Guys, I'm just going to call up Lindsay's nanny. Check everything's o.k. I'll be back in a sec, o.k.?" Catherine told them.
Sara smiled and nodded and then Catherine went. Then Grissom and Sara sat there in silence for a few minutes then Sara spoke with a new enthusiasm.
"You know what Grissom!. I'm not worried!. I have a really good feeling about this!. She's going to be fine!. God will pull through" Sara said enthuastically.
Grissom laughed.
"Its funny how people suddenly become religious when they need a miracle!" Grissom joked.
"You ever seen that film Signs, Grissom?" Sara asked deep in thought.
"Umm, no" Grissom replied confused.
"In it this boy has asthma and the Dad sort of sees it as an omen or something. Until it saves the boy's life. And it's then the Dad realises that actually God gave that boy asthma for a reason - to later save his life!" Sara commented.
Grissom was confused.
"What are you going on about?. What do you mean?. Are you saying bulimia and kidney failure is going to save Alaney's life some how? - How?"
"No, No - that is the life threatening situation. But she has an advantage - what seems an omen is actually the one thing that could save her!" Sara said.
"What is it?. Have you told that doctor?. I haven't a clue what you're going on about? - what condition does she have that could possibly save her?" Grissom asked confused.
"The doctor knows and he agrees - it increases her odds of survival. She's a lucky girl" Sara reported.
"I'm not saying I'm 100% sure - I'm just pretty confident" Sara commented.
"I just hope your right sweetheart. I hope she does make it!" Grissom commented.
Grissom put an arm round Sara's shoulder and comforted her.
"I put my St Catherine next to her bed when I saw her. God's going to protect her. St Catherine was tough - she refused to die - and now Alaney's going to be too tough to die too. She's going to be alright. God will make sure of that. And if Alaney gets a transplant and it works - I might even start giving St Catherine's church a go. It's like a sign you know - the name of the church. And the priest there is so nice Grissom! - He'd surprise you Grissom. Things have changed - it looks like a good church" Sara said.
"What's brought all this on?" Grissom asked.
"Everything is working out" Sara said.
"What?" Grissom asked confused.
"Things are getting better and so will Laney. Because the man upstairs likes us!" Sara said.
"Good for you, honey. You keep positive!" Grissom said.
"But what happened to being scared to believe?" Grissom asked.
"Your going to face up to life's big questions at some point don't you?. Denial isn't the answer. I'm going to make sure I don't turn into my mother!" Sara answered.
"What irreligious?" Grissom asked.
"I don't mean that!. I mean - well, I love my mom!. She loves me. But she trips a thin tightrope of denial! - I hope she doesn't trip on it - because there's no safety net underneath!" Sara explained.
"Sara you're starting to babble and you're not making sense!. I think you need a coffee or some sleep!" Grissom reasoned.
"Just because you don't get the code to the puzzle doesn't mean it doesn't make sense, Grissom!" Sara defended herself.
"Here lie down on my lap, use my coat as a blanket and get some sleep" Grissom insisted.
When Catherine returned she found Sara fast asleep on Grissom's lap and lying sprawled over several chairs.
The following day Catherine went home to be with Lindsay and then later went into work. Grissom went into work along with Warwick. No one could convince Sara to go home, So Nick went to the hospital to keep Sara company. At 6pm, Nick had to go to work leaving Sara alone. But an hour later Catherine arrived with a coffee in tow for Sara.
"How ya doing?" Catherine asked friendly.
"Better. I think she's going to be fine! - we're going to find a match!" Sara commented.
"That's good. Keep positive!" Catherine replied.
"She's like a daughter to you isn't she?" Catherine commented.
Sara laughed.
"Yeah!" Sara replied.
"Who'd of thought Sara Sidle would go all maternal!" Catherine commented.
Catherine stroke a piece of hair out of Sara's face. Sara smiled to Catherine then looked down again. They spent the next couple of minutes in silence again. Suddenly Sara rubbed her face in stress and worry. Catherine didn't know what else to say, so she decided to just take Sara's hand in comfort. Sara looked up at Catherine and smiled. Then they just sat there holding hands in silence for a few minutes. Suddenly Sara looked became really stressed and worried. Sara ended up taking her hand away. She rubbed her face in worry again. Suddenly, without looking Catherine in the eye, Sara began to break out into a confession.
"There's a history of eating disorders in her family history, you know!. In fact, it was me! - I had an eating disorder!. I got really tubby when I was 10. By 13 and a half I was so unhappy about being fat that I started to make myself throw up!. By 14 I had began to starve myself - I even moved onto laxatives!. By 14 and a half, I got even more serious! - I became really determined! - so I got more serious!. By 15, I was dangerously thin!. They put me in this rehabilitation place. I was there during weekdays then I spent the weekend at my grandparents nearby. Eventually, I got better and only attended the rehab during the day and I spent the rest of the time at my grandparents" Sara explained.
Sara sighed, took a breath and then carried on,
"I started my periods at 12, but at 13 and a half they stopped. I had studied the scientific effects of eating disorders and I knew to expect that - but I didn't care! - all I cared about was losing that weight!. Then I started involuntarily throwing up - but I wasn't surprised because I figured it was because I made myself throw up and now my body was just doing it automatically sometimes" Sara explained.
"I didn't realise that could happen. You learn something new everyday!" Catherine commented.
Sara burst out crying.
"I couldn't understand why I wasn't losing any weight!. My arms, legs and face were getting skinner but the rest!" Sara said.
Catherine comforted her.
"That's not unusual in eating disorder sufferers - they're convinced their fat but their dangerously thin!" Catherine reassured her.
"No!. I was still fat!. Didn't you hear me? - I admitted I was getting a slimmer face, legs and arms!. But the rest! - the weight wouldn't budge!. And I couldn't understand why - so I tried harder and harder!. Made my self throw up more!. Starved myself more!" Sara cried.
Catherine hugged her and Sara cried into her arms. Then Sara pulled away after a while and carried on her story.
"Then one day, towards the end of the eighth grade. I was walking home from school and suddenly I started to get these unbearable stomach pains. I was in so much pain and I couldn't work out why. I thought maybe it was the eating disorder - but I didn't realise it could do that your body!" Sara explained.
"Oh you poor thing!. Was the damage permanent?" Catherine asked.
"Yeah. It was!"
"Oh sweetheart!. What have you got?" Catherine asked.
"So, I figured it was either the eating disorder or it was appendicitis!. And you can die from either!. And I was in soooo much pain! - that I thought I must be dying!. I was so scared - I didn't know what was happening!. I tried walking but I just couldn't carry on!. I had to sit down in the alleyway I just couldn't bare the pain!. This woman, I think she was in her 60's, came along and she was a god sent! - I don't know what I'd of done without her help!" Sara confessed.
"At least you didn't die, hey!" Catherine said with care.
"Oh but I did inside!. It ruined my life!" Sara exclaimed.
"What have you got?" Catherine asked.
Sara grabbed Catherine's hands in hers.
"Promise you won't tell anyone!. Promise Catherine!. I just really need to tell someone!. Someone who isn't in my family!. Someone who isn't a stranger!" Sara exclaimed.
"Of course I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to!. Is it on your medical records?" Catherine said.
"No" Sara replied guiltily.
"Why on earth not?" Catherine asked.
"It's me!" Sara insisted.
"What sweetheart?" Catherine asked confused.
Sara was silent.
"Sweetheart. I promise I won't tell anyone about your medical condition. What's this permanent thing you've got?" Catherine asked.
Sara was silent for a bit then she answered.
"A child" Sara whispered.
"What?!?" Catherine reiterated.
"Oh for goodness sake Catherine!. The periods stopping, the involuntary throwing up and the weight staying on was not the eating disorder, Catherine!!!. I was giving birth in that alleyway!. Three hours later after the pains begun in that alleyway I ended up holding a newborn baby in my arms!. I had a child!. I have a child!" Sara exclaimed.
"What happened to it?" Catherine asked still in shock.
"Did your parents drop you on your head or something?!?" Sara shouted.
"I was eighth grade. That means I was 14. That means it was 18 years ago. How many 18 year olds, who don't know their biological parents, have you seen plonked on my front door lately?!?. There is a reason my Aunt Miranda sent her to me!. There is a reason why everyone else wouldn't take her!. Because they want me to have her! - because I'm her mother!. I'm Alaney's biological mother!" Sara shouted.
Suddenly Sara became quieter,
"And if she ever found out the truth she'd hate me!" Sara admitted.
"I was only 14! - I couldn't look after a child!. I had to give her away!" Sara reasoned.
"And Grissom's going to hate me - for telling him she was my sister instead of admitting she's my daughter!. So no one else can know, Catherine!. Promise me!" Sara admitted.
"I promise" Catherine said still in shock.
Sara got up and began to leave.
"Good" Sara said.
"Wait! Where are you going?" Catherine asked.
"Away somewhere. I need to be alone" Sara said.
"You can't just tell me that and walk away with no explanation!. Now you sit your butt down and explain to me how someone like - well, you! - can get pregnant at 14?" Catherine demanded.
"Thirteen" Sara commented.
"Thirteen!. This is unbelievable!. Sit your butt down here and explain this to me and then you can go have as much alone time as you want!" Catherine demanded.
Sara sat down anxiously.
"Sara - honey!. How can I put this delicately without insulting you?. Ummm. You don't strike me as the type to have sex at sixteen let alone thirteen!. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 15!. So how on earth did you go from that to what you are today?. What happened?" Catherine asked.
"Can't people make mistakes?" Sara asked.
"It's more than a mistake, Sara - It's a state of mind!. What kind of state of mind must you have been in to have sex at that age?!?. You're just not the type!.
"Every wonder why I turned into how I am?" Sara asked.
"But you said you were a science geek in school!" Catherine replied.
"Yeah - high School. Anyway! - can't a science geek be sexual adventurous!" Sara said.
"Gees Sara!" Catherine said.
Catherine sighed.
"Who's the father?" Catherine said.
"Just some boy!. He isn't worth my spit though!" Sara answered.
"Does he know about her?" Catherine asked.
"Yeah. He doesn't give a toss about her!. I know I abandoned her!. But that doesn't mean I stopped loving her!. I don't think I even used to realise it - I tried to avoid her or deny I felt something for her - but every time I saw her - it was sunshine!. Every movement she makes, every muscle in her bone was created by me! - I made that wonder!. And I can't help but love her!. But him! - He doesn't give a toss about her!. He doesn't even care about her!. I don't think he's going to donate a kidney! - I really think he's wouldn't care if she died!" Sara commented.
"I had a future! - I was heading for an ivy league college! - I couldn't let a kid ruin that! - I didn't deserve to be lumbered with a kid!. Even when I was old! - I'm a career woman! - I didn't have room for a kid!. But then she came and now I just don't care about that anymore!. Oh but why did she have to come then?. She ruined my life!. I could never forgive myself for giving her up. I felt like I didn't deserve another kid!. Even now I can never have another kid until I sort this thing with Alaney - I need her to know the truth!. Why did she have to come then?. She would have been so perfect if she were born now!" Sara commented.
"Well, I'm sorry to sound righteous Sara but if you take that kind of risk you've got to be prepared for the consequences!" Catherine said.
"But I didn't deserve a child!" Sara shouted.
"I mean. Everyone else makes mistakes - but they don't have to pay for them!. I made a mistake - a big one!. I had been through enough pain, with her father deserting me, before she came along!. I just kept thinking why me? - why am I the one being punished?" Sara exclaimed.
Catherine was still in shock and coming to terms with this news.
"Do you hate me?" Sara exclaimed.
"No! Why would you think that?" Catherine asked.
"You think I'm a bad person don't you?" Sara exclaimed.
"What for giving up Alaney?. No!. Hey honey, take from me! - I couldn't have looked after a child at 14!. Sixteen maybe but there's a big difference between those two ages!. I don't blame for at all. And I can understand why you wanted to get on with your life like it never happened" Catherine explained.
"Exactly!" Sara exclaimed.
"And how you couldn't - even though you tried!. Because you gave birth to her and you watched her grow up - and you can't help but feel connected to that child!" Catherine said.
"Exactly!. I feel like she's part of me and a bit's missing. And I feel like I can't carry my life on without her - without her filling that missing part!" Sara exclaimed.
"But what I don't get is why your parents didn't raise her?. I thought they were laid back!"
"Yeah! - until their 14 year old gets pregnant!. Suddenly their not so laid back!. They wanted their child to feel free to have sex - they just never mentioned that they didn't want their child to feel free till she was older!. Oh! Let's go to the canteen and I'll explain more about the Alaney situation in more detail!" Sara exclaimed.
They got up and they left that corridor.
"Are you a relative?" the woman asked.
"Yes I am" Sara replied.
The woman told her what room Alaney was in and Sara made her way hurriedly. Grissom followed refusing to leave when Sara had suggested he go. He was desperate to stay. When Sara got there she was greeted by a doctor.
"Are you a relative?" the doctor asked.
"I am" Sara told him.
"What is your relationship to Miss Rose" the doctor asked.
Sara looked distressed to tell him.
"Ma'm I need to know. Please, sit down. Alaney has suffered kidney failure" the doctor explained.
"What!. How? Why?" Sara asked
"Preferably she needs a kidney transplant as soon as possible and her relatives are our first call. Could you contact other relatives and ask them if they'd be willing to be tested?. Would you be willing to be tested, Ma'm?" the doctor asked.
"Of course!. Why are we waiting around here then?. How long has she got before it's too late?" Sara asked shocked and panicked.
"She's alright she's on temporary dialysis. She's not conscious yet but it very unlikely she won't be in the next 24 hours - her body just needs to recuperate. Preferably we need relatives to donate because it's more likely they'll be a match. If not we'll find a non relative kidney - mostly likely a cadaver - that's a deceased person. If she rejects that kidney we'll try dialysis - but that will involve her coming into hospital every week for the rest of her life. Preferably we need relatives being tested as soon as possible" the doctor said.
"I think I might be of real use!" Sara said excited.
"What relative are you, Ma'm?. Some can be more likely than others" the doctor asked.
"I'm the most chance a child could ever get!" Sara replied.
"A sibling?. They're often the most likely match. Identical twins are best" the doctor replied.
"She hasn't got a twin I'm afraid. Doctor how did she get kidney failure?" Sara asked alerted.
"She has a duplex kidney doesn't she?" the doctor replied looking at her medical records.
"Yeah, but that isn't serious enough to cause kidney failure!. Even if it had got to that stage - she would have been in hospital before now with a kidney infection!" Sara reasoned.
"Ah but there's a catch. She has anorexia!" the doctor said looking at the medical records.
"What?. No, this can't be happening!" Sara said devastated.
"Because she has a duplex kidney plus an eating disorder it's caused great damage to her kidney - it's now failed and now the anorexia plus the work being demanded on the one working kidney is causing the other one to also begin to fail. She needs a kidney immediately before both of them fail!" the doctor insisted.
"But how can she be anorexic?!?. No! - She isn't skinny, doctor!. Have you seen her?. I wouldn't call her fat but she's a healthy weight!!" Grissom disputed.
"Yeah!. You've got to be wrong. We've seen her eat!. She eats lots!" Sara disputed.
The doctor looked at the medical records.
"Sorry I got it wrong. Most of the eating disorder is actually bulimia and only some anorexia bouts. Bulimia is having a worse effect on those kidneys!. They just couldn't cope!" the doctor said.
"Have you checked if she's pregnant?" Sara asked.
"What?" Grissom said.
"Well, you say she's got eating disorders but she isn't skinny - so where's the weight coming from?" Sara said.
The doctor looked at her medical records.
"She's not pregnant, nope", the doctor replied, "she's hasn't been bulimic for that long actually - it's not showing yet. Plus I assume that her digested eating is outweighing her non digested eating. Plus often starving your self for only a day or two at a time actually makes you put weight on - your body produces fat to survive. She's isn't that far down the line of a eating disorder - 3 or 4 months tops - plus she doesn't seem very committed. But because she has a duplex kidney her body just couldn't cope with her messing around with it. Plus on top of her eating disorder she moved to Nevada!. She's not used to such heat and she's hardly been drinking fluids from the look of it!. This harmed a kidney already in trouble. All factors added up - equals a failed kidney and the other one is on its way if we're not careful!" the doctor replied.
"Grissom can I have word with you in private?. Excuse me doctor" Sara said.
Sara took Grissom aside.
"Are you really related to her, Sara?. Because if your not you need to tell him right now!" Grissom insisted.
"I wasn't lying to the hospital staff about being her relative, Grissom. Laney is my sister!. My dad got some woman pregnant and so she dump her on our doorstep. Paternity's even been proven. Look Grissom, I need to have a private word with the doctor about Laney's medical history and my family's etc. So - please could you go get a coffee with Cath or something. I'll keep you updated when you return. Just give us twenty minutes tops!" Sara admitted.
"Why didn't you tell me? - Oh Sara! - I wish you'd told us!. It makes sense, I suppose!. She reminds you me of you - even facially!. You have similar shaped eyes, eyebrows texture, shape of face is similar, chin, smile, cheekbones, hair texture, and etcetera. You even walk similarly! - but that's not necessarily genetics!"
"We look nothing alike!. She has blond hair and I have brunette!. Stop it!. We look completely different!. Stop it!" Sara defended.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I'll go find Catherine" Grissom said.
Grissom left but before he went he turned and looked round to see Sara talking to the doctor. He sighed - he was so worried about Alaney and Sara.
Later on, Grissom and Catherine were sitting there. They were both stunned to silence. They were both so worried about Alaney. It was at that point that Sara came down the corridor.
"We won't know the test results for donor matches for another 30 days!. 30 days! - How are we meant to wait that long!" Sara exclaimed.
"Will she have to be in hospital that time?. Will she be able to survive 30 days?!?" Catherine asked.
"She'll be able to stay on hospital support for another week to get her up to a suitable health. Then she'll have to go to hospital every few days for temporary dialysis until we get the results. I'm so scared they'll be no match!. What if she dies?!?. I'm scheduled to be tested tomorrow. I'm going to have to have the day off work" Sara said.
"Of course, I don't want to see you in work for at least four days!" Grissom said.
"Guys, I'm just going to call up Lindsay's nanny. Check everything's o.k. I'll be back in a sec, o.k.?" Catherine told them.
Sara smiled and nodded and then Catherine went. Then Grissom and Sara sat there in silence for a few minutes then Sara spoke with a new enthusiasm.
"You know what Grissom!. I'm not worried!. I have a really good feeling about this!. She's going to be fine!. God will pull through" Sara said enthuastically.
Grissom laughed.
"Its funny how people suddenly become religious when they need a miracle!" Grissom joked.
"You ever seen that film Signs, Grissom?" Sara asked deep in thought.
"Umm, no" Grissom replied confused.
"In it this boy has asthma and the Dad sort of sees it as an omen or something. Until it saves the boy's life. And it's then the Dad realises that actually God gave that boy asthma for a reason - to later save his life!" Sara commented.
Grissom was confused.
"What are you going on about?. What do you mean?. Are you saying bulimia and kidney failure is going to save Alaney's life some how? - How?"
"No, No - that is the life threatening situation. But she has an advantage - what seems an omen is actually the one thing that could save her!" Sara said.
"What is it?. Have you told that doctor?. I haven't a clue what you're going on about? - what condition does she have that could possibly save her?" Grissom asked confused.
"The doctor knows and he agrees - it increases her odds of survival. She's a lucky girl" Sara reported.
"I'm not saying I'm 100% sure - I'm just pretty confident" Sara commented.
"I just hope your right sweetheart. I hope she does make it!" Grissom commented.
Grissom put an arm round Sara's shoulder and comforted her.
"I put my St Catherine next to her bed when I saw her. God's going to protect her. St Catherine was tough - she refused to die - and now Alaney's going to be too tough to die too. She's going to be alright. God will make sure of that. And if Alaney gets a transplant and it works - I might even start giving St Catherine's church a go. It's like a sign you know - the name of the church. And the priest there is so nice Grissom! - He'd surprise you Grissom. Things have changed - it looks like a good church" Sara said.
"What's brought all this on?" Grissom asked.
"Everything is working out" Sara said.
"What?" Grissom asked confused.
"Things are getting better and so will Laney. Because the man upstairs likes us!" Sara said.
"Good for you, honey. You keep positive!" Grissom said.
"But what happened to being scared to believe?" Grissom asked.
"Your going to face up to life's big questions at some point don't you?. Denial isn't the answer. I'm going to make sure I don't turn into my mother!" Sara answered.
"What irreligious?" Grissom asked.
"I don't mean that!. I mean - well, I love my mom!. She loves me. But she trips a thin tightrope of denial! - I hope she doesn't trip on it - because there's no safety net underneath!" Sara explained.
"Sara you're starting to babble and you're not making sense!. I think you need a coffee or some sleep!" Grissom reasoned.
"Just because you don't get the code to the puzzle doesn't mean it doesn't make sense, Grissom!" Sara defended herself.
"Here lie down on my lap, use my coat as a blanket and get some sleep" Grissom insisted.
When Catherine returned she found Sara fast asleep on Grissom's lap and lying sprawled over several chairs.
The following day Catherine went home to be with Lindsay and then later went into work. Grissom went into work along with Warwick. No one could convince Sara to go home, So Nick went to the hospital to keep Sara company. At 6pm, Nick had to go to work leaving Sara alone. But an hour later Catherine arrived with a coffee in tow for Sara.
"How ya doing?" Catherine asked friendly.
"Better. I think she's going to be fine! - we're going to find a match!" Sara commented.
"That's good. Keep positive!" Catherine replied.
"She's like a daughter to you isn't she?" Catherine commented.
Sara laughed.
"Yeah!" Sara replied.
"Who'd of thought Sara Sidle would go all maternal!" Catherine commented.
Catherine stroke a piece of hair out of Sara's face. Sara smiled to Catherine then looked down again. They spent the next couple of minutes in silence again. Suddenly Sara rubbed her face in stress and worry. Catherine didn't know what else to say, so she decided to just take Sara's hand in comfort. Sara looked up at Catherine and smiled. Then they just sat there holding hands in silence for a few minutes. Suddenly Sara looked became really stressed and worried. Sara ended up taking her hand away. She rubbed her face in worry again. Suddenly, without looking Catherine in the eye, Sara began to break out into a confession.
"There's a history of eating disorders in her family history, you know!. In fact, it was me! - I had an eating disorder!. I got really tubby when I was 10. By 13 and a half I was so unhappy about being fat that I started to make myself throw up!. By 14 I had began to starve myself - I even moved onto laxatives!. By 14 and a half, I got even more serious! - I became really determined! - so I got more serious!. By 15, I was dangerously thin!. They put me in this rehabilitation place. I was there during weekdays then I spent the weekend at my grandparents nearby. Eventually, I got better and only attended the rehab during the day and I spent the rest of the time at my grandparents" Sara explained.
Sara sighed, took a breath and then carried on,
"I started my periods at 12, but at 13 and a half they stopped. I had studied the scientific effects of eating disorders and I knew to expect that - but I didn't care! - all I cared about was losing that weight!. Then I started involuntarily throwing up - but I wasn't surprised because I figured it was because I made myself throw up and now my body was just doing it automatically sometimes" Sara explained.
"I didn't realise that could happen. You learn something new everyday!" Catherine commented.
Sara burst out crying.
"I couldn't understand why I wasn't losing any weight!. My arms, legs and face were getting skinner but the rest!" Sara said.
Catherine comforted her.
"That's not unusual in eating disorder sufferers - they're convinced their fat but their dangerously thin!" Catherine reassured her.
"No!. I was still fat!. Didn't you hear me? - I admitted I was getting a slimmer face, legs and arms!. But the rest! - the weight wouldn't budge!. And I couldn't understand why - so I tried harder and harder!. Made my self throw up more!. Starved myself more!" Sara cried.
Catherine hugged her and Sara cried into her arms. Then Sara pulled away after a while and carried on her story.
"Then one day, towards the end of the eighth grade. I was walking home from school and suddenly I started to get these unbearable stomach pains. I was in so much pain and I couldn't work out why. I thought maybe it was the eating disorder - but I didn't realise it could do that your body!" Sara explained.
"Oh you poor thing!. Was the damage permanent?" Catherine asked.
"Yeah. It was!"
"Oh sweetheart!. What have you got?" Catherine asked.
"So, I figured it was either the eating disorder or it was appendicitis!. And you can die from either!. And I was in soooo much pain! - that I thought I must be dying!. I was so scared - I didn't know what was happening!. I tried walking but I just couldn't carry on!. I had to sit down in the alleyway I just couldn't bare the pain!. This woman, I think she was in her 60's, came along and she was a god sent! - I don't know what I'd of done without her help!" Sara confessed.
"At least you didn't die, hey!" Catherine said with care.
"Oh but I did inside!. It ruined my life!" Sara exclaimed.
"What have you got?" Catherine asked.
Sara grabbed Catherine's hands in hers.
"Promise you won't tell anyone!. Promise Catherine!. I just really need to tell someone!. Someone who isn't in my family!. Someone who isn't a stranger!" Sara exclaimed.
"Of course I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to!. Is it on your medical records?" Catherine said.
"No" Sara replied guiltily.
"Why on earth not?" Catherine asked.
"It's me!" Sara insisted.
"What sweetheart?" Catherine asked confused.
Sara was silent.
"Sweetheart. I promise I won't tell anyone about your medical condition. What's this permanent thing you've got?" Catherine asked.
Sara was silent for a bit then she answered.
"A child" Sara whispered.
"What?!?" Catherine reiterated.
"Oh for goodness sake Catherine!. The periods stopping, the involuntary throwing up and the weight staying on was not the eating disorder, Catherine!!!. I was giving birth in that alleyway!. Three hours later after the pains begun in that alleyway I ended up holding a newborn baby in my arms!. I had a child!. I have a child!" Sara exclaimed.
"What happened to it?" Catherine asked still in shock.
"Did your parents drop you on your head or something?!?" Sara shouted.
"I was eighth grade. That means I was 14. That means it was 18 years ago. How many 18 year olds, who don't know their biological parents, have you seen plonked on my front door lately?!?. There is a reason my Aunt Miranda sent her to me!. There is a reason why everyone else wouldn't take her!. Because they want me to have her! - because I'm her mother!. I'm Alaney's biological mother!" Sara shouted.
Suddenly Sara became quieter,
"And if she ever found out the truth she'd hate me!" Sara admitted.
"I was only 14! - I couldn't look after a child!. I had to give her away!" Sara reasoned.
"And Grissom's going to hate me - for telling him she was my sister instead of admitting she's my daughter!. So no one else can know, Catherine!. Promise me!" Sara admitted.
"I promise" Catherine said still in shock.
Sara got up and began to leave.
"Good" Sara said.
"Wait! Where are you going?" Catherine asked.
"Away somewhere. I need to be alone" Sara said.
"You can't just tell me that and walk away with no explanation!. Now you sit your butt down and explain to me how someone like - well, you! - can get pregnant at 14?" Catherine demanded.
"Thirteen" Sara commented.
"Thirteen!. This is unbelievable!. Sit your butt down here and explain this to me and then you can go have as much alone time as you want!" Catherine demanded.
Sara sat down anxiously.
"Sara - honey!. How can I put this delicately without insulting you?. Ummm. You don't strike me as the type to have sex at sixteen let alone thirteen!. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 15!. So how on earth did you go from that to what you are today?. What happened?" Catherine asked.
"Can't people make mistakes?" Sara asked.
"It's more than a mistake, Sara - It's a state of mind!. What kind of state of mind must you have been in to have sex at that age?!?. You're just not the type!.
"Every wonder why I turned into how I am?" Sara asked.
"But you said you were a science geek in school!" Catherine replied.
"Yeah - high School. Anyway! - can't a science geek be sexual adventurous!" Sara said.
"Gees Sara!" Catherine said.
Catherine sighed.
"Who's the father?" Catherine said.
"Just some boy!. He isn't worth my spit though!" Sara answered.
"Does he know about her?" Catherine asked.
"Yeah. He doesn't give a toss about her!. I know I abandoned her!. But that doesn't mean I stopped loving her!. I don't think I even used to realise it - I tried to avoid her or deny I felt something for her - but every time I saw her - it was sunshine!. Every movement she makes, every muscle in her bone was created by me! - I made that wonder!. And I can't help but love her!. But him! - He doesn't give a toss about her!. He doesn't even care about her!. I don't think he's going to donate a kidney! - I really think he's wouldn't care if she died!" Sara commented.
"I had a future! - I was heading for an ivy league college! - I couldn't let a kid ruin that! - I didn't deserve to be lumbered with a kid!. Even when I was old! - I'm a career woman! - I didn't have room for a kid!. But then she came and now I just don't care about that anymore!. Oh but why did she have to come then?. She ruined my life!. I could never forgive myself for giving her up. I felt like I didn't deserve another kid!. Even now I can never have another kid until I sort this thing with Alaney - I need her to know the truth!. Why did she have to come then?. She would have been so perfect if she were born now!" Sara commented.
"Well, I'm sorry to sound righteous Sara but if you take that kind of risk you've got to be prepared for the consequences!" Catherine said.
"But I didn't deserve a child!" Sara shouted.
"I mean. Everyone else makes mistakes - but they don't have to pay for them!. I made a mistake - a big one!. I had been through enough pain, with her father deserting me, before she came along!. I just kept thinking why me? - why am I the one being punished?" Sara exclaimed.
Catherine was still in shock and coming to terms with this news.
"Do you hate me?" Sara exclaimed.
"No! Why would you think that?" Catherine asked.
"You think I'm a bad person don't you?" Sara exclaimed.
"What for giving up Alaney?. No!. Hey honey, take from me! - I couldn't have looked after a child at 14!. Sixteen maybe but there's a big difference between those two ages!. I don't blame for at all. And I can understand why you wanted to get on with your life like it never happened" Catherine explained.
"Exactly!" Sara exclaimed.
"And how you couldn't - even though you tried!. Because you gave birth to her and you watched her grow up - and you can't help but feel connected to that child!" Catherine said.
"Exactly!. I feel like she's part of me and a bit's missing. And I feel like I can't carry my life on without her - without her filling that missing part!" Sara exclaimed.
"But what I don't get is why your parents didn't raise her?. I thought they were laid back!"
"Yeah! - until their 14 year old gets pregnant!. Suddenly their not so laid back!. They wanted their child to feel free to have sex - they just never mentioned that they didn't want their child to feel free till she was older!. Oh! Let's go to the canteen and I'll explain more about the Alaney situation in more detail!" Sara exclaimed.
They got up and they left that corridor.