When Alaney regained consciousness she found Sara right next to her holding
her hand. Sara was smiling at her and looked at her in that loving way of
hers - like Laney was the most important thing in the world. Sara soon
began to stroke her face.
"Hi angel" Sara said lovingly.
"Sara!. What happened?. Why am I here?" Laney replied meekly.
"That's what bulimia and anorexia do to you!" Sara commented.
Alaney suddenly looked so ashamed.
"Oh my goodness!. You know about that!. How embarrassing!" Laney declared ashamed.
"Why are you embarrassed?" Sara asked.
"You don't understand Sara!. I couldn't stop myself bingeing so it was the only way!. I don't have your figure or your lack of appetite!. I just wanted to be as skinny as you!" Laney frantically explained.
"Angel!. You don't know do you?. I know exactly how you feel!. The only reason I'm this skinny is after never fully recovering from severe anorexia and bulimia myself!. I never got my appetite back properly! - I hadn't eaten hardly anything in years!. I used to be really fat, Alaney - way bigger than you!. You have nothing to be ashamed of!" Sara explained.
"Really?. But I just wanted to be you!. I'm sorry! - I mean to worry you!. Even before I came here I've always wanted to be like you!" Laney said.
"Why?!?. My life is rubbish!. I'm not a success!" Sara retorted.
"Intelligence wise you are!. You're so clever!. So skinny!. You have parents who want you!" Laney said.
"You don't want my parents!. My dad's a pig and my mom's - well, she's questionable!" Sara replied.
"At least you know where you from!. I'm not saying they have to be good people. I just want to see myself in them! - I just want to know them for the way they look!. I don't care if they don't want me!" Laney said.
"It's not that easy, Alaney!. No one knows your theirs - so the consequences for them would be dire!. Anyway, we weren't going to mention them were we?. You've got me now! - that's all you need!" Sara said.
"Definitely" Laney agreed.
Laney smiled and Sara kissed her on the forehead. "I love you!. You've been such a star!" Laney said.
"No I haven't!" Sara denied feeling guilty.
Sara sighed.
"Laney listen!. You need a kidney transplant. Luckily, I've contacted your biological relatives and their getting tested. But unless they tell you themselves I can't let you know who they are!" Sara told her.
"Right. Will I be o.k.?" Laney replied.
"There are loads of other options - but we'll cross other bridges when they come. Hopefully you're going to be fine!" Sara said.
Sara turned and saw Grissom approaching outside.
"Laney, can we talk about this later?. I just need to go have a word with Grissom about work" Sara said.
Laney smiled and nodded. Sara stopped Grissom before he entered and took him outside.
"Look Grissom. Laney's awake now. But I don't want her knowing she's my sister!. If any of my dad's family is a match and she notices they've had an operation then we'll tell her. But for now - my dad still doesn't want her to know" Sara explained.
"Of course!. It's not my place to say anyway. How are you?. You got anymore sleep?" Grissom asked concerned.
"Ummm - sleep - no!. Me? - I'm o.k. Is Catherine coming soon?. I need to talk to her about something!. It's been really weighing on my mind!" Sara said stressed and hardly acknowledging Grissom.
"Ummm. I called her a few minutes ago because I can't stay long - I just wanted to pop in. She'll be here in about ten minutes. Do you want to talk to me?" Grissom asked.
"No!" Sara said more bluntly than she intended.
"O.k. Can I go in see Laney?" Grissom said feeling rejected.
"Sure. I'm going to wait here for Catherine" Sara said almost to herself.
Sara had an idea.
"Wait Grissom!" Sara said.
Up to this point Grissom had felt quite rejected by Sara. He was excited to finally be needed.
"Yes?" Grissom replied ecstatic.
"Can you explain to Laney about her kidney?. I can't be bothered! - I'm sick of all this!" Sara said.
Grissom looked at Sara. She looked in a trance like state from stress. She hardly recognised he was there.
"Sure. Whatever I can do" Grissom replied.
When Catherine turned up Sara grabbed her immediately and pulled her away with her for a walk.
"Catherine!. Thank goodness you're here!. I need to talk to you! I need to tell you the truth!. You must think so badly of me!. And my mother! - it's not fair to her to say that stuff!. I need to clear things up with you!. I wasn't entirely honest with you!" Sara admitted stressed.
"What?!? - you lied to me?" Catherine shouted.
Catherine couldn't believe it. This wasn't the Sara she knew!. She was getting scarily sociopathic!.
"Come on - I'll explain!" Sara said as she tried to pull Catherine away from the corridor.
But Catherine wouldn't be pulled.
"Oh yeah? - and how do I know your not going to lie to me this time?" Catherine demanded.
Sara was stunned at Catherine's refusal.
"I'm sorry!. I am going to tell you the truth!. Come on!" Sara insisted.
"You keep lying to everyone, Sara!. How am I meant to know the lies from the truth?" Catherine asked annoyed.
"Why do you need to know the truth?" Sara asked stunned.
"What?!?!. Well you seem desperate for me to know the truth now!" Catherine replied.
"I just want to head you in the right direction!. I don't want you to know who the father name was! - I just don't want you to think badly of me!. Please let's go get a coffee and let me explain - please give me another chance!" Sara pleaded.
Catherine gave it some thought. She decided to give Sara a second chance.
"Don't lie to me again, o.k.?" Catherine said.
Catherine started to leave and Sara followed. Sara smiled.
They sat in a café near the hospital and Catherine begun questioning Sara,
"So, what did you lie about?. Are really Laney's mother?" Catherine interrogated.
"Of course, I'm her mother. I showed you the pictures!" Sara said.
"How do expect us to trust you if you lie to us all the time, Sara!. I thought you were telling me the truth! - and now your saying you were still lying?" Catherine enraged.
"Calm down!. Why are you taking this so personally?" Sara asked unaware and still in her stressed out madness state.
"You just don't get it do you?" Catherine said.
"I was more truthful with you than anyone else!. Appreciate that!" Sara demanded.
"Oh thank you, your highness!. What a privilege!. You lied to me! - but hey it's not as much as you lied to the other minions!" Catherine declared.
"Look! This is hard for me!. I don't know why I even told you of all people!. I definitely don't want to tell you what I'm about to!. But you know about Laney and so if I don't want you to think I'm a slut and a heartless mother then I have to tell you!. This is really hard for me, Catherine - so will you please stop making this so hard to tell you!" Sara said.
Catherine thought about it.
"Oh O.k.! - Shoot!. I'm listening!" Catherine said still peeved off.
"I was thinking about what I said to you yesterday - and how heartless I sounded!. I kept saying I didn't deserve to be lumbered with Laney! - well, I realised later how bad that makes me sound and it makes me sound like I'm in some kind of denial about my responsibility" Sara said.
"You see it doesn't make sense because I lied!. I wasn't easy!. I don't feel like I deserve to have Laney lumbered on me because I was raped!. I didn't have voluntary sex with that boy!. I made that story up!" Sara said quite flippantly.
Catherine was gobsmacked.
"You disgust me!. How low would you go to cover your own ass?. Rape is a serious crime!. I don't know how you can just lie about it!" Catherine said.
"I swear it's true!" Sara insisted.
Sara looked at Catherine in disbelief and suddenly began to cry.
"You don't believe me!" Sara said, tears running down her face but only betrayal showing in her voice.
Catherine didn't know what to think anymore!.
"Sara!", she declared frustrated, "You've admittedly to creating stories at the drop of a hat and lying - and now you expect me to believe you when you appear to show no feeling about this so called rape!".
Sara began to cry more and more.
"I'm sorry I'm just so used to it!. I'm sorry if I sound flippant!" Sara said.
Catherine looked at Sara and didn't know what to think.
"Are you telling the truth?" Catherine asked bewildered.
Sara looked Catherine straight in the eyes tearfully - she looked truthful now.
"But I asked you if you were raped and you said no!" Catherine said.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth but I was just so ashamed!" Sara sobbed.
"It's jus it seems awfully convenient to all of a sudden come out with this!" Catherine said in half minds.
"Why?. You were already satisfied!" Sara sobbed.
"Your telling the truth, aren't you?" Catherine said astounded.
Catherine reluctantly began to go to hug Sara and then she gave in and put all her heart and soul into comforting Sara. Catherine even began to cry a bit for Sara. Catherine was still confused though. Why had Sara been so flippant about it in the first place?. How screwed up was her head?.
"No one gets more angry than me when someone lies about being raped!. I'm learning to cope but back in San Francisco I used to get so angry!. It's not a joke!. Its people like that undermine the system - make it impossible to prove!" Sara cried.
"We'll prove it for you, Sara!" Catherine said hopefully.
"I know exactly how to prove it!. But I don't want to!. I just want to leave it!" Sara said.
"But why?" Catherine asked.
"I don't want people feeling sorry for me!. Looking at me knowing how I was violated!. Staring at me!. Talking about me!. Pitying me!. Or saying it was my fault!" Sara said distressed and troubled. She certainly showed care about it now!.
"They would never blame you!" Catherine reassured her.
"They might! - you never know!. And anyway - I don't want to talk about it in front of a court of people" Sara said matter of factly.
"Alright. But you need help, Sara!. Counselling!" Catherine suggested.
"I didn't want you to know!. I was so ashamed!. But then I realised what a fool I'd made of myself by lying!. It was such a load of rubbish!. And I realised how horrible I made my parents sound!. They do care about the money but they also didn't want Laney to be a reminder to me!. And anyway if people found out I had a child then they wouldn't take the time to ask if I was raped - No! - they'd just assume I'm a slut!. So I thought I may as well say I am!. I was just so ashamed!" Sara admitted out of the blue.
"Don't blame yourself it isn't your fault!" Catherine said sympathetically.
"I don't blame myself - I really don't! - that's not why I'm ashamed!. I'm ashamed because of the way everyone will look at me!. Poor Sara!. Poor deformed molested little Sara!. Everyone will talk about me behind my back. Everyone will gossip about me and give me these looks. And frankly! - if I admit to it! - Then it means it really happened!. You wouldn't understand you need to be in that position to understand!" Sara explained.
"What happened?" Catherine asked sympathetically.
"I don't want to talk about it!. So I'm not going to!" Sara exclaimed.
Catherine sighed and hugged Sara again. Sara cried and cried and cried into Catherine arms for ages. Eventually Sara calmed down and tried to wipe her eyes.
"Look Sara, if you tell Laney the truth about what happened she won't hate you! - she can't!" Catherine insisted.
"She can't know!. Even if she found out I was her mother - she can't find out what happened!. She's hate herself!. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you found out you were the product of rape?. How unwanted and inconvenient she'd feel?" Sara suggested.
"She already feels unwanted!. At least she'd know why this way why?. She feels it's personal! - Like she's personally rejected!. If you explain it's the situation and not her personally then!" Catherine insisted.
"No!" Sara insisted.
Sara sighed.
"When she born - I wasn't sure whether to love her or hate her. I mostly loved her though. But I didn't deserve to have her lumbered on me - it wasn't my fault!" Sara said.
"Of course not!" Catherine insisted.
"My parents reckon because I was raped that I can't possibly love her - but I do! - raped or not she's mine!. It's painful to look at her though!. My parents just want her to disappear so I'll get over this - but they don't understand you can't just get over rape!. After it happened I just wanted to forget about it - so I never considered getting pregnant!. When she came - it just seemed like the end of the world. And now she needs parents! - but I just don't deserve to made to feel guilty about not being hers!. I don't deserve this! - so why is it happening?" Sara said.
Sara paused and then burst into floods of tears again.
"I'm sorry I lied I just didn't know what to do!" Sara sobbed.
Catherine hugged Sara again and they had another crying session. Some tears even dropped from Catherine's eyes for Sara.
"This shouldn't have happened to you!. Let me jail him, Sara!" Catherine asked.
"No!. I don't want anyone to know!. Promise me you won't tell anyone!" Sara insisted.
"O.k." Catherine reluctantly agreed.
Catherine hugged Sara again. Catherine sighed and took this all in.
"So all that story about trying to make yourself cool - that was all just lies!. How can you just jot off some made up story?!?. How can you lie so regretlessly?." Catherine enquired.
"I needed to tell someone she was mine - I just didn't want you to know really how!. At the time I really didn't care what you thought of me!. Afterwards I realised how guiltless I sounded and it made me sound so heartless!. I love her I really do - I just needed you to know that!" Sara said.
"Sara, I think you have a problem. First, you lie like it's nothing and then you talk about being raped like it's nothing!" Catherine commented.
"The only relevance it has is that Laney was born without me deserving to be responsible for her!. The rest doesn't matter!" Sara insisted.
"Yes it does!. Listen to yourself!. You sound ill!" Catherine insisted.
Sara looked at Catherine and became pretty normal looking again.
"I'm sorry I'm just so used to it!. I'm really over it!. I'm pretty good actually! - I hardly get nightmares! - I can stand to look at her!. I know I'm a little bit antisocial! - but I'm not as bad as I could be! - I'm not depressed, agoraphobic or have an anxiety disorder! - I'm doing really well!. I'm not a psychopath or anything!. I just get a little but too personal of cases sometimes. It's probably my job though! - I got so used to saying the word rape and seeing so many cases of it - the meaning just rubbed off a bit. No I'm fine now - It's just the inconvenience of Alaney that bothers me. I don't really care that it happened anymore!" Sara replied more reasonably like it made sense.
"Well, Sara maybe you still do have a problem!. You're not facing up to this!. You get angry for every other victim but you're not getting angry for yourself!. I mean the fact that you lie right, left and centre and just automatically are able to create these little stories is very worrying Sara!. That in itself suggests there's something wrong!. Sara! - You lied to Grissom about Laney being your sister, you lied to me about it being a voluntary act to make you seem cooler and you lied to Laney about her mother blackmailing your father!. Aren't you worried about how you create these little narratives" Catherine pleaded with Sara.
"I do it for the welfare of everyone!. There are certain things people don't need to know so I satisfy them and throw them off scent!. Sometimes it's not all lies! - it's just twisting the truth!" Sara insisted.
"Your scaring me Sara!. I think you really need counselling. You're not facing up to the fact you were raped!" Catherine said.
Catherine had never seen Sara so un-rational before. She was convinced she was losing it!.
"It doesn't matter! - I'm fine!. Just leave it!. Look! - Laney is my daughter no matter where she came from!. And she doesn't need her father or need to know who he is!. I would rather she hate me and think I'm some slut than find out where she came from!. I'm doing this because I love her!. All she needs is me! - she doesn't need him!. He doesn't want her and I'm glad!. Laney wants a happy family - but she's never going to get that!. All she needs is me - whether she knows I'm her mother or not!. That's why I'm scared, Catherine - I'm scared it won't be enough for me to be her cousin or even her sister! - I want her to know I'm her mother but - but she'll hate me if she knows I'm her but I would prefer that than she find out has she came into this world!. Catherine promise me - if it looks like I'm going to tell her I'm her mother then stop me!" Sara started babbling on like a crazy person.
"Sara, you've got to tell her the truth!. She deserves it!. Plus you've got to go get help for this, Sara! - you're not coping!" Catherine insisted.
"Leave it Catherine. Please just leave it" Sara said as she got up and stormed off.
Catherine followed Sara all the way back to the hospital. Sara went into Laney's room straightaway. Sara went in and gave Alaney a massive hug. This quite surprised Alaney.
"I love you!" Sara said.
"O.k." Alaney said awkwardly.
Catherine came barging in.
"Sara! We haven't finished!" Catherine insisted.
"Yes! We have!" Sara said.
Sara sighed and eventually went back out to join Catherine.
"Look Catherine!. You love Lindsay no matter where she came from right?" Sara asked stressed out.
"Of course!" Catherine agreed.
"Laney is my daughter no matter where she came from!. I love her no matter!. So I just want to forget how I got her - and be thankful I have her!. I almost like to think of it as if I had got voluntarily pregnant at 14 because I find that better to live with cognitively than the truth!. I want to forget where she came from! - So drop it!. Please!" Sara explained stressed.
"Fine!. Sorry for caring!" Catherine sulked.
Sara sighed and sat down. She finally gave in.
"I'll go get counselling!" Sara agreed.
"Really?!?" Catherine said excited.
"I suppose it can't do any harm!" Sara said.
"Your doing that thing again!" Catherine declared.
"What thing?" Sara asked.
"The flippant thing!. The acting like rape means nothing thing!. Stop that!. Wake up to this!"
Sara began to cry.
Catherine was glad and comforted with a massive hug. Sara had another crying session.
"Maybe there is something wrong with me!" Sara admitted.
"That's brilliant!. That's all I want!. Admittance is the first step to recovery!" Catherine said.
Sara calmed down and got up. Sara looked through the glass and observed at Laney.
"I don't regret getting rid of her!. But I'm so glad she's come back to me now!. I just wish I'd had her now not when I was 14!" Sara said.
"Yeah" Catherine comforted.
"It hurts so much that I missed bringing her up!. Feeding her!, clothing her! - I even missed her first steps and her first words!. She was only down the road but it wasn't enough!" Sara exclaimed.
"Do you know what else amazes me about her? - Other than ever muscle in her body moving! - It's the way she has her own mind! - Her own personality!. I know I didn't have much influence in her life but I created her - so she could turn into that!. I just wish I'd had more influence though!" Sara commented.
Sara began crying again.
"I can have another kid but it will never replace missing Laney grow up!. My parents reckon it will! - they say I've just got to get over this thing!. But each kid is separate, you know! - you love them separately - she can't be replaced by another!. I just wished I'd had her now and not before!. Why did this have to happen to me?" Sara sobbed.
Catherine put an arm round Sara in support and Sara turned to cry into Cath's shoulder.
"You poor thing!" Catherine sighed.
A week later, Catherine talked to a counsellor friend of hers, explained Sara's situation and got Sara an appointment. Sara walked in and sat down.
"So, why don't you tell me why you think you're here?" the counsellor asked.
"I don't know!. A lot of people tell me I should get counselling" Sara said vulnerably.
"Why?" the counsellor enquired.
Sara paused
"Because I was raped" Sara replied flippantly.
The counsellor paused.
"How did that make you feel?" the counsellor enquired.
"It doesn't really matter!" Sara declared.
"Why not?" the counsellor asked.
"It was a one off - and anyway I have other things to look after. Other things to worry about" Sara replied.
"Like your daughter?" the counsellor suggested.
"She's one of them" Sara muttered flippantly like it didn't matter.
"Well let me tell you what Sara - you don't have to talk after anyone here. The only people here are me and you. You can tell me anything and I won't judge you. So why don't you tell me how YOU feel. Why don't you just talk, Sara - say anything and everything. Just shoot and tell me anything that's on your mind" the counsellor told her.
"What do I talk about?. Where do I start?. My childhood?. The rape?. When?" Sara asked confused but eager.
"Whatever you like!. I'm paid to listen to whatever you say!. Whatever the first thing that pops in your head is!. Just talk!. Tell me about issues in your life. Tell me about the rape if you want. Tell me why you don't feel sad about the rape - Is there any reason? - What do you think that reason is?. Just talk about your life and we'll go from there!" the counsellor instructed.
"Hi angel" Sara said lovingly.
"Sara!. What happened?. Why am I here?" Laney replied meekly.
"That's what bulimia and anorexia do to you!" Sara commented.
Alaney suddenly looked so ashamed.
"Oh my goodness!. You know about that!. How embarrassing!" Laney declared ashamed.
"Why are you embarrassed?" Sara asked.
"You don't understand Sara!. I couldn't stop myself bingeing so it was the only way!. I don't have your figure or your lack of appetite!. I just wanted to be as skinny as you!" Laney frantically explained.
"Angel!. You don't know do you?. I know exactly how you feel!. The only reason I'm this skinny is after never fully recovering from severe anorexia and bulimia myself!. I never got my appetite back properly! - I hadn't eaten hardly anything in years!. I used to be really fat, Alaney - way bigger than you!. You have nothing to be ashamed of!" Sara explained.
"Really?. But I just wanted to be you!. I'm sorry! - I mean to worry you!. Even before I came here I've always wanted to be like you!" Laney said.
"Why?!?. My life is rubbish!. I'm not a success!" Sara retorted.
"Intelligence wise you are!. You're so clever!. So skinny!. You have parents who want you!" Laney said.
"You don't want my parents!. My dad's a pig and my mom's - well, she's questionable!" Sara replied.
"At least you know where you from!. I'm not saying they have to be good people. I just want to see myself in them! - I just want to know them for the way they look!. I don't care if they don't want me!" Laney said.
"It's not that easy, Alaney!. No one knows your theirs - so the consequences for them would be dire!. Anyway, we weren't going to mention them were we?. You've got me now! - that's all you need!" Sara said.
"Definitely" Laney agreed.
Laney smiled and Sara kissed her on the forehead. "I love you!. You've been such a star!" Laney said.
"No I haven't!" Sara denied feeling guilty.
Sara sighed.
"Laney listen!. You need a kidney transplant. Luckily, I've contacted your biological relatives and their getting tested. But unless they tell you themselves I can't let you know who they are!" Sara told her.
"Right. Will I be o.k.?" Laney replied.
"There are loads of other options - but we'll cross other bridges when they come. Hopefully you're going to be fine!" Sara said.
Sara turned and saw Grissom approaching outside.
"Laney, can we talk about this later?. I just need to go have a word with Grissom about work" Sara said.
Laney smiled and nodded. Sara stopped Grissom before he entered and took him outside.
"Look Grissom. Laney's awake now. But I don't want her knowing she's my sister!. If any of my dad's family is a match and she notices they've had an operation then we'll tell her. But for now - my dad still doesn't want her to know" Sara explained.
"Of course!. It's not my place to say anyway. How are you?. You got anymore sleep?" Grissom asked concerned.
"Ummm - sleep - no!. Me? - I'm o.k. Is Catherine coming soon?. I need to talk to her about something!. It's been really weighing on my mind!" Sara said stressed and hardly acknowledging Grissom.
"Ummm. I called her a few minutes ago because I can't stay long - I just wanted to pop in. She'll be here in about ten minutes. Do you want to talk to me?" Grissom asked.
"No!" Sara said more bluntly than she intended.
"O.k. Can I go in see Laney?" Grissom said feeling rejected.
"Sure. I'm going to wait here for Catherine" Sara said almost to herself.
Sara had an idea.
"Wait Grissom!" Sara said.
Up to this point Grissom had felt quite rejected by Sara. He was excited to finally be needed.
"Yes?" Grissom replied ecstatic.
"Can you explain to Laney about her kidney?. I can't be bothered! - I'm sick of all this!" Sara said.
Grissom looked at Sara. She looked in a trance like state from stress. She hardly recognised he was there.
"Sure. Whatever I can do" Grissom replied.
When Catherine turned up Sara grabbed her immediately and pulled her away with her for a walk.
"Catherine!. Thank goodness you're here!. I need to talk to you! I need to tell you the truth!. You must think so badly of me!. And my mother! - it's not fair to her to say that stuff!. I need to clear things up with you!. I wasn't entirely honest with you!" Sara admitted stressed.
"What?!? - you lied to me?" Catherine shouted.
Catherine couldn't believe it. This wasn't the Sara she knew!. She was getting scarily sociopathic!.
"Come on - I'll explain!" Sara said as she tried to pull Catherine away from the corridor.
But Catherine wouldn't be pulled.
"Oh yeah? - and how do I know your not going to lie to me this time?" Catherine demanded.
Sara was stunned at Catherine's refusal.
"I'm sorry!. I am going to tell you the truth!. Come on!" Sara insisted.
"You keep lying to everyone, Sara!. How am I meant to know the lies from the truth?" Catherine asked annoyed.
"Why do you need to know the truth?" Sara asked stunned.
"What?!?!. Well you seem desperate for me to know the truth now!" Catherine replied.
"I just want to head you in the right direction!. I don't want you to know who the father name was! - I just don't want you to think badly of me!. Please let's go get a coffee and let me explain - please give me another chance!" Sara pleaded.
Catherine gave it some thought. She decided to give Sara a second chance.
"Don't lie to me again, o.k.?" Catherine said.
Catherine started to leave and Sara followed. Sara smiled.
They sat in a café near the hospital and Catherine begun questioning Sara,
"So, what did you lie about?. Are really Laney's mother?" Catherine interrogated.
"Of course, I'm her mother. I showed you the pictures!" Sara said.
"How do expect us to trust you if you lie to us all the time, Sara!. I thought you were telling me the truth! - and now your saying you were still lying?" Catherine enraged.
"Calm down!. Why are you taking this so personally?" Sara asked unaware and still in her stressed out madness state.
"You just don't get it do you?" Catherine said.
"I was more truthful with you than anyone else!. Appreciate that!" Sara demanded.
"Oh thank you, your highness!. What a privilege!. You lied to me! - but hey it's not as much as you lied to the other minions!" Catherine declared.
"Look! This is hard for me!. I don't know why I even told you of all people!. I definitely don't want to tell you what I'm about to!. But you know about Laney and so if I don't want you to think I'm a slut and a heartless mother then I have to tell you!. This is really hard for me, Catherine - so will you please stop making this so hard to tell you!" Sara said.
Catherine thought about it.
"Oh O.k.! - Shoot!. I'm listening!" Catherine said still peeved off.
"I was thinking about what I said to you yesterday - and how heartless I sounded!. I kept saying I didn't deserve to be lumbered with Laney! - well, I realised later how bad that makes me sound and it makes me sound like I'm in some kind of denial about my responsibility" Sara said.
"You see it doesn't make sense because I lied!. I wasn't easy!. I don't feel like I deserve to have Laney lumbered on me because I was raped!. I didn't have voluntary sex with that boy!. I made that story up!" Sara said quite flippantly.
Catherine was gobsmacked.
"You disgust me!. How low would you go to cover your own ass?. Rape is a serious crime!. I don't know how you can just lie about it!" Catherine said.
"I swear it's true!" Sara insisted.
Sara looked at Catherine in disbelief and suddenly began to cry.
"You don't believe me!" Sara said, tears running down her face but only betrayal showing in her voice.
Catherine didn't know what to think anymore!.
"Sara!", she declared frustrated, "You've admittedly to creating stories at the drop of a hat and lying - and now you expect me to believe you when you appear to show no feeling about this so called rape!".
Sara began to cry more and more.
"I'm sorry I'm just so used to it!. I'm sorry if I sound flippant!" Sara said.
Catherine looked at Sara and didn't know what to think.
"Are you telling the truth?" Catherine asked bewildered.
Sara looked Catherine straight in the eyes tearfully - she looked truthful now.
"But I asked you if you were raped and you said no!" Catherine said.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth but I was just so ashamed!" Sara sobbed.
"It's jus it seems awfully convenient to all of a sudden come out with this!" Catherine said in half minds.
"Why?. You were already satisfied!" Sara sobbed.
"Your telling the truth, aren't you?" Catherine said astounded.
Catherine reluctantly began to go to hug Sara and then she gave in and put all her heart and soul into comforting Sara. Catherine even began to cry a bit for Sara. Catherine was still confused though. Why had Sara been so flippant about it in the first place?. How screwed up was her head?.
"No one gets more angry than me when someone lies about being raped!. I'm learning to cope but back in San Francisco I used to get so angry!. It's not a joke!. Its people like that undermine the system - make it impossible to prove!" Sara cried.
"We'll prove it for you, Sara!" Catherine said hopefully.
"I know exactly how to prove it!. But I don't want to!. I just want to leave it!" Sara said.
"But why?" Catherine asked.
"I don't want people feeling sorry for me!. Looking at me knowing how I was violated!. Staring at me!. Talking about me!. Pitying me!. Or saying it was my fault!" Sara said distressed and troubled. She certainly showed care about it now!.
"They would never blame you!" Catherine reassured her.
"They might! - you never know!. And anyway - I don't want to talk about it in front of a court of people" Sara said matter of factly.
"Alright. But you need help, Sara!. Counselling!" Catherine suggested.
"I didn't want you to know!. I was so ashamed!. But then I realised what a fool I'd made of myself by lying!. It was such a load of rubbish!. And I realised how horrible I made my parents sound!. They do care about the money but they also didn't want Laney to be a reminder to me!. And anyway if people found out I had a child then they wouldn't take the time to ask if I was raped - No! - they'd just assume I'm a slut!. So I thought I may as well say I am!. I was just so ashamed!" Sara admitted out of the blue.
"Don't blame yourself it isn't your fault!" Catherine said sympathetically.
"I don't blame myself - I really don't! - that's not why I'm ashamed!. I'm ashamed because of the way everyone will look at me!. Poor Sara!. Poor deformed molested little Sara!. Everyone will talk about me behind my back. Everyone will gossip about me and give me these looks. And frankly! - if I admit to it! - Then it means it really happened!. You wouldn't understand you need to be in that position to understand!" Sara explained.
"What happened?" Catherine asked sympathetically.
"I don't want to talk about it!. So I'm not going to!" Sara exclaimed.
Catherine sighed and hugged Sara again. Sara cried and cried and cried into Catherine arms for ages. Eventually Sara calmed down and tried to wipe her eyes.
"Look Sara, if you tell Laney the truth about what happened she won't hate you! - she can't!" Catherine insisted.
"She can't know!. Even if she found out I was her mother - she can't find out what happened!. She's hate herself!. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you found out you were the product of rape?. How unwanted and inconvenient she'd feel?" Sara suggested.
"She already feels unwanted!. At least she'd know why this way why?. She feels it's personal! - Like she's personally rejected!. If you explain it's the situation and not her personally then!" Catherine insisted.
"No!" Sara insisted.
Sara sighed.
"When she born - I wasn't sure whether to love her or hate her. I mostly loved her though. But I didn't deserve to have her lumbered on me - it wasn't my fault!" Sara said.
"Of course not!" Catherine insisted.
"My parents reckon because I was raped that I can't possibly love her - but I do! - raped or not she's mine!. It's painful to look at her though!. My parents just want her to disappear so I'll get over this - but they don't understand you can't just get over rape!. After it happened I just wanted to forget about it - so I never considered getting pregnant!. When she came - it just seemed like the end of the world. And now she needs parents! - but I just don't deserve to made to feel guilty about not being hers!. I don't deserve this! - so why is it happening?" Sara said.
Sara paused and then burst into floods of tears again.
"I'm sorry I lied I just didn't know what to do!" Sara sobbed.
Catherine hugged Sara again and they had another crying session. Some tears even dropped from Catherine's eyes for Sara.
"This shouldn't have happened to you!. Let me jail him, Sara!" Catherine asked.
"No!. I don't want anyone to know!. Promise me you won't tell anyone!" Sara insisted.
"O.k." Catherine reluctantly agreed.
Catherine hugged Sara again. Catherine sighed and took this all in.
"So all that story about trying to make yourself cool - that was all just lies!. How can you just jot off some made up story?!?. How can you lie so regretlessly?." Catherine enquired.
"I needed to tell someone she was mine - I just didn't want you to know really how!. At the time I really didn't care what you thought of me!. Afterwards I realised how guiltless I sounded and it made me sound so heartless!. I love her I really do - I just needed you to know that!" Sara said.
"Sara, I think you have a problem. First, you lie like it's nothing and then you talk about being raped like it's nothing!" Catherine commented.
"The only relevance it has is that Laney was born without me deserving to be responsible for her!. The rest doesn't matter!" Sara insisted.
"Yes it does!. Listen to yourself!. You sound ill!" Catherine insisted.
Sara looked at Catherine and became pretty normal looking again.
"I'm sorry I'm just so used to it!. I'm really over it!. I'm pretty good actually! - I hardly get nightmares! - I can stand to look at her!. I know I'm a little bit antisocial! - but I'm not as bad as I could be! - I'm not depressed, agoraphobic or have an anxiety disorder! - I'm doing really well!. I'm not a psychopath or anything!. I just get a little but too personal of cases sometimes. It's probably my job though! - I got so used to saying the word rape and seeing so many cases of it - the meaning just rubbed off a bit. No I'm fine now - It's just the inconvenience of Alaney that bothers me. I don't really care that it happened anymore!" Sara replied more reasonably like it made sense.
"Well, Sara maybe you still do have a problem!. You're not facing up to this!. You get angry for every other victim but you're not getting angry for yourself!. I mean the fact that you lie right, left and centre and just automatically are able to create these little stories is very worrying Sara!. That in itself suggests there's something wrong!. Sara! - You lied to Grissom about Laney being your sister, you lied to me about it being a voluntary act to make you seem cooler and you lied to Laney about her mother blackmailing your father!. Aren't you worried about how you create these little narratives" Catherine pleaded with Sara.
"I do it for the welfare of everyone!. There are certain things people don't need to know so I satisfy them and throw them off scent!. Sometimes it's not all lies! - it's just twisting the truth!" Sara insisted.
"Your scaring me Sara!. I think you really need counselling. You're not facing up to the fact you were raped!" Catherine said.
Catherine had never seen Sara so un-rational before. She was convinced she was losing it!.
"It doesn't matter! - I'm fine!. Just leave it!. Look! - Laney is my daughter no matter where she came from!. And she doesn't need her father or need to know who he is!. I would rather she hate me and think I'm some slut than find out where she came from!. I'm doing this because I love her!. All she needs is me! - she doesn't need him!. He doesn't want her and I'm glad!. Laney wants a happy family - but she's never going to get that!. All she needs is me - whether she knows I'm her mother or not!. That's why I'm scared, Catherine - I'm scared it won't be enough for me to be her cousin or even her sister! - I want her to know I'm her mother but - but she'll hate me if she knows I'm her but I would prefer that than she find out has she came into this world!. Catherine promise me - if it looks like I'm going to tell her I'm her mother then stop me!" Sara started babbling on like a crazy person.
"Sara, you've got to tell her the truth!. She deserves it!. Plus you've got to go get help for this, Sara! - you're not coping!" Catherine insisted.
"Leave it Catherine. Please just leave it" Sara said as she got up and stormed off.
Catherine followed Sara all the way back to the hospital. Sara went into Laney's room straightaway. Sara went in and gave Alaney a massive hug. This quite surprised Alaney.
"I love you!" Sara said.
"O.k." Alaney said awkwardly.
Catherine came barging in.
"Sara! We haven't finished!" Catherine insisted.
"Yes! We have!" Sara said.
Sara sighed and eventually went back out to join Catherine.
"Look Catherine!. You love Lindsay no matter where she came from right?" Sara asked stressed out.
"Of course!" Catherine agreed.
"Laney is my daughter no matter where she came from!. I love her no matter!. So I just want to forget how I got her - and be thankful I have her!. I almost like to think of it as if I had got voluntarily pregnant at 14 because I find that better to live with cognitively than the truth!. I want to forget where she came from! - So drop it!. Please!" Sara explained stressed.
"Fine!. Sorry for caring!" Catherine sulked.
Sara sighed and sat down. She finally gave in.
"I'll go get counselling!" Sara agreed.
"Really?!?" Catherine said excited.
"I suppose it can't do any harm!" Sara said.
"Your doing that thing again!" Catherine declared.
"What thing?" Sara asked.
"The flippant thing!. The acting like rape means nothing thing!. Stop that!. Wake up to this!"
Sara began to cry.
Catherine was glad and comforted with a massive hug. Sara had another crying session.
"Maybe there is something wrong with me!" Sara admitted.
"That's brilliant!. That's all I want!. Admittance is the first step to recovery!" Catherine said.
Sara calmed down and got up. Sara looked through the glass and observed at Laney.
"I don't regret getting rid of her!. But I'm so glad she's come back to me now!. I just wish I'd had her now not when I was 14!" Sara said.
"Yeah" Catherine comforted.
"It hurts so much that I missed bringing her up!. Feeding her!, clothing her! - I even missed her first steps and her first words!. She was only down the road but it wasn't enough!" Sara exclaimed.
"Do you know what else amazes me about her? - Other than ever muscle in her body moving! - It's the way she has her own mind! - Her own personality!. I know I didn't have much influence in her life but I created her - so she could turn into that!. I just wish I'd had more influence though!" Sara commented.
Sara began crying again.
"I can have another kid but it will never replace missing Laney grow up!. My parents reckon it will! - they say I've just got to get over this thing!. But each kid is separate, you know! - you love them separately - she can't be replaced by another!. I just wished I'd had her now and not before!. Why did this have to happen to me?" Sara sobbed.
Catherine put an arm round Sara in support and Sara turned to cry into Cath's shoulder.
"You poor thing!" Catherine sighed.
A week later, Catherine talked to a counsellor friend of hers, explained Sara's situation and got Sara an appointment. Sara walked in and sat down.
"So, why don't you tell me why you think you're here?" the counsellor asked.
"I don't know!. A lot of people tell me I should get counselling" Sara said vulnerably.
"Why?" the counsellor enquired.
Sara paused
"Because I was raped" Sara replied flippantly.
The counsellor paused.
"How did that make you feel?" the counsellor enquired.
"It doesn't really matter!" Sara declared.
"Why not?" the counsellor asked.
"It was a one off - and anyway I have other things to look after. Other things to worry about" Sara replied.
"Like your daughter?" the counsellor suggested.
"She's one of them" Sara muttered flippantly like it didn't matter.
"Well let me tell you what Sara - you don't have to talk after anyone here. The only people here are me and you. You can tell me anything and I won't judge you. So why don't you tell me how YOU feel. Why don't you just talk, Sara - say anything and everything. Just shoot and tell me anything that's on your mind" the counsellor told her.
"What do I talk about?. Where do I start?. My childhood?. The rape?. When?" Sara asked confused but eager.
"Whatever you like!. I'm paid to listen to whatever you say!. Whatever the first thing that pops in your head is!. Just talk!. Tell me about issues in your life. Tell me about the rape if you want. Tell me why you don't feel sad about the rape - Is there any reason? - What do you think that reason is?. Just talk about your life and we'll go from there!" the counsellor instructed.