Grissom found Sara sat sobbing alone on the porch. Grissom came over and
sat by her. She didn't say anything. She just looked numb.
"There's no point in saying sorry to you, Sara - because I'm not. I'm glad I know!" Grissom told her.
"Your honest I'll give you that. We've always admired your honesty" Sara responded.
"Who?" Grissom asked.
"The team" she replied.
Sara turned and looked straight at him.
"Answer me honestly. Did you snoop because you're nosey or because you care?" Sara asked.
"How can you ask me that?. Because I care, of course" Grissom responded hurt.
"I believe you. You did seem upset when my dad hit me because I wouldn't let him take Laney away" Sara replied.
"Does that happen often? Does he hit you too?" Grissom asked sensitively.
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara replied.
"Please Sara. I'm worried" Grissom reiterated.
"No. Not often. Usually I only get hurt if I try break them up. It's nothing. And as for my mom, don't worry about her - She's got me" Sara replied.
"Sara, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders by yourself!. Catherine and I have already noticed the way it's had an emotional effect on you" Grissom commented.
"What's she said?" Sara asked worried.
"Just that you don't worry about your own pains because you're so concerned about your mom's. You need to worry about yourself, Sara. You're looking after your mom but who's there to look after you?" Grissom commented.
Grissom paused.
"Has he been hitting her for long?" Grissom asked.
"Only 33 years" Sara replied sarcastically.
Grissom sighed.
"I didn't really used to mind. No I did mind. I mean - I didn't used to get angry!. I just used to get worried. I loved my dad to death and I suppose I just assumed there must be a really good reason or something. Or it wasn't as dangerous as it seemed. Even when my mom went into hospital I never used to think my dad could intentionally do that. Even when I suspected he was in the wrong then I was too scared to do or say anything. Nobody else seemed to be doing anything - so I figured it must be alright or normal. What I didn't know was his parents had disowned him, my mom's parents were deeply worried and so was camp cuckoo. Then when I was a teenager my dad just suddenly turned on me one day for no reason. He attacked me big style. And that's when I began to hate him and I've never turned back. It sounds terrible doesn't it? - I didn't do anything for my mom until he hurt me. But it wasn't like that!. I did nothing to provoke him and yet he really hurt me for no reason. The look in his eyes and his lack of motive made me realise just how evil he is. He didn't give two stuffs about me and he doesn't about mom. The only thing he cares about is how to get his kicks. If he does love me or mom then it's not as much as he loves his kicks" Sara explained.
Grissom put a hand on her back to comfort her.
"That's terrible" Grissom commented with care.
Grissom paused. There was something he was confused about and he needed to ask her.
"I don't understand. I thought hippies were meant to be passive, non violent and really caring" Grissom commented.
Sara laughed.
"You didn't meet many hippies did you?. Everyone thinks their all lovey dovey people but in reality - well, their not necessarily. I mean most weren't violent to women. But there were a lot of bad tempered pains in the ass. They were intolerant of anyone who didn't agree with them. Probably the drugs made them so moody. It upset me sometimes though. Don't get me wrong - I had some really happy times even before camp cuckoo but some of the people were a downside. My mom was never like that though - she was a lovely person and still is. She didn't like it the attitude some of them had. Some of them weren't nice people. She was glad she got me away from them. Don't ask why she fell for my dad if she didn't like bad tempered people. I don't know. I suppose it wasn't horrid at first and by then it was too late. I'm also pretty sure that she thinks either he has a mental illness caused by the drugs screwing up his brain or she thinks he'll snap out of it one day - she really does!. Anyway, the hippies. Well, there were certain hippy principles she begun to disagree with and the intolerance was one of them. But she tolerated it until she got Camp cuckoo. When my parents moved to camp cuckoo they only invited certain people to live with them. My dad made her invite his best friend. 'Made' being the operative word!. But my dad and his best friend were the only two bad apples left. It sounds terrible but luckily his best friend died from a drug overdose when I was ten. Of course, a lot of people have questioned whether my dad really was a hippy. It is quite hypocritical that my dad rallied against the war and nuclear weapons but at home he was using violence himself to get his own way. Maybe the rallies were because of a selfish fear that he might die. Maybe it was a good way to avoid being called a coward" Sara explained.
Sara sighed. Grissom put his hand on her's and she continued.
"There is this theory that some men only joined the non conformist movement to get easy nookie!. Plus it's an excuse to experiment with drugs. And who's gonna not agree with not wanting to get a job?. Maybe he just sat there and nodded when he disagreed with what some hippies were saying. On the other hand, he was always a rebel and non conformist at heart. He wanted to rebel against his parents. I mean he didn't just stumble upon the hippy movement!. He was never the type to get a job. His parents forced him to go to medical school. The truth is I don't know, my mom doesn't know and no one knows what goes on in my dad's head. No on knows why he does the stuff he does. He's a mystery. We can only merely guess. Maybe he's a big non conformist hypocrite!. I don't know. All I know is that if either of my parents were going off the camp cuckoo lifestyle then they probably haven't changed their life for two reasons. Firstly, most people here depend on them and so they couldn't sell camp cuckoo - and they fear they'd not get anymore money from their parents - plus they can't imagine getting a proper job. Secondly, they can't be bothered to get off their lazy asses and do something if they don't like their lives. I don't know if their still in for all this. My mom seems to be. I just don't know about my dad. The irony is that he used to be the one who forced her to do some 'hippy' things she didn't want to. He forced her to take hallucinogenic drugs because he preferred her high and because he didn't want his friends to laugh at his girlfriend. Then finally my mom realised the neglect she caused me when she was high and so she stopped hallucinogens. He was not happy. He beat the shit out of her. But she wouldn't budge in her decision. That's how much she loves me" Sara explained.
Sara looked him straight in the face and said,
"Are you going to sack me?" Sara asked.
"What?. What for?" Grissom asked astounded.
"I get too personal on cases. It might detriment my work because it gets too personal. If you chase two rabbits and you lose them both, remember?" Sara replied.
"Sara, you're a brilliant CSI. I would never dream of sacking you. I don't think I'm even allowed to on those grounds. Anyway, if it wasn't for the way you give me a good kick up the ass to find evidence to nail abuse cases then I may have given up on them. Everyone gets personal abut something. Worst case scenario I might reconsider assigning you to abuse cases - I don't know!" Grissom replied.
"I don't even know why I get upset. With the Kaye Shelton case - yes, I was reminded about my own mother's mortality - but I was never worried my dad wouldn't go to jail. I would make sure that case was proven and if I couldn't then I still knew enough stuff to get him put away in jail for a long time. But I was so worried for women who don't have that advantage. I suppose I know what it's like to be in that situation" Sara explained.
Grissom put an arm round Sara and pulled her into him. She burst into tears.
"Oh Grissom!" Sara exclaimed.
There was silence as Sara sat there sobbing into him and the anger in him grew up.
"That pig!" Grissom exclaimed livid.
"I'd give anything to be your father. You're the perfect daughter. He's so lucky and he just doesn't realise it!" Grissom declared.
"Daughter. Great!. Just what I wanted" Sara replied.
"Sorry" Grissom responded.
"No, don't worry. Do you mind if I ask if I would been in with a chance if you hadn't of fallen in love with my mom?" Sara asked.
"You know about that" Grissom exclaimed.
"You're not denying it!. Grissom everyone knows!. It's pretty obvious with that expression slapped across your face every time you see her. The way you go all gooey and turn to jello. Even my dad knows. He doesn't really care though. He knows there's nothing she can do about it even if she wanted to. I don't know - he might use it as an excuse to hit her once we're gone - but I wouldn't worry too much about it, because if it wasn't this excuse then he'd just make up some other excuse" Sara explained.
Grissom paused.
"Did you notice how gooey I went when I met you?" Grissom asked coyly.
Sara looked at him.
"I suspected you fancied me but obviously I was wrong" Sara replied.
"Sara, I didn't come up to you after the seminar because you impressed me with knowing most of the answers. It was just an excuse. I would never have pursued a friendship with you if I had just loved your brain. I know millions of geniuses, Sara - I didn't need to know anymore. You're so beautiful - and the intelligence was an added bonus" Grissom explained.
"So what's the problem?" Sara asked.
"You know part of the problem, Sara. We work together" Grissom explained.
"We didn't when we first met" Sara added.
"I was too shy to ask you out, at first. Then when you came to work with me this niggling little feeling started growing inside me. This niggling little feeling that it wasn't right and that you were too young" Grissom told her.
"Don't give me that rubbish, Grissom!. I know you dated women as young as me" Sara said.
Grissom laughed at himself.
"You don't get it" he exclaimed.
Sara was confused.
"I did get involved with women of your age. They might not have been a good idea. It might have even been a mid life crisis. But even compared to those women you always seemed different. I think it's because we've always had this teacher pupil relationship. You feel so young compared to them. It feels so wrong feeling the way I do about you" Grissom explained.
Grissom paused.
"Can I ask you something?. It's just something your mom said once. Do you see me as a father figure?" Grissom said.
"What?. Oh what she been saying?. Maybe!. Maybe yeah!. But that's nothing - I just ignore it" Sara replied.
"Like your dad's violence is nothing?. Catherine's right - you're in denial - but it doesn't go away does it?" Grissom said.
"You say I'm a daughter figure to you and yet you also say you fancy me" Sara argued.
"I'm doing really well at not being romantically attracted you" Grissom said.
"Gee, thanks!. I'm glad it's so easy!" Sara replied.
"It's not easy!. Sara, I have to!. We work together!. I just think to myself - there's plenty more fish in the sea. Sorry" Grissom said.
"Don't be. I think the same. I haven't put my life on hold just because of you. You were just a good option" Sara replied defensively.
"Every parent thinks their daughter is beautiful. So I'm still allowed to think your beautiful - because I can't deny that to myself" Grissom explained.
"That kind of makes sense" Sara replied confused.
Sara paused.
"I'll respect that", Sara added, "I'm not in love with you, you know!. I admit I liked you a lot but it never turned into love. How could it when I hardly know who 'the real Grissom' is. Anyway, we're not destined to be together if you don't feel the same way back. For a start, you prefer my mom" Sara added.
"She's more suitable" Grissom explained.
"She's already married!" Sara exclaimed.
"I mean age wise. Maybe it was never a good idea to go after women so much younger than me anyway. But as you said nothing could happen me and your mother. I just wish it would" Grissom explained.
"You haven't asked me if she feels the same" Sara commented.
"She does you know" Sara added.
Grissom looked surprised.
"I know these things" Sara added.
"What would she see in me?. She's not a scientist, Sara. I'd bore her!" Grissom exclaimed.
"She told me she does like you. She likes you a lot. She might even love you" Sara confessed.
"Well then she doesn't realise how boring I am!. I'm better alone Sara - trust me" Grissom asked.
"My mother loves science!. Trust me she likes you" Sara explained.
"Why would she?" Grissom asked.
"Why don't you ask her yourself?. She wouldn't be surprised if you did. She's quite unconventional" Sara added.
"I'd bore her!" Grissom insisted angrily.
"No you wouldn't!" Sara insisted.
Grissom's tone became more serious,
"Sara. There's something I need to tell you. I'm sorry I invaded your privacy - but this might make up for it. That's not why I'm telling you though. I feel guilty for digging but that's not why I'm telling you this. I'm telling you because I want to. Not many people know this but-" Grissom had stopped mid sentence.
Sara was intrigued.
"Go on" Sara said.
"I used to have a daughter, Sara. And I used to have a wife"
Sara was quite taken aback.
"Oh. Is your daughter dead or lost?. Do you mind if I ask?" Sara responded.
Grissom begun to cry. Sara didn't think she'd ever seen Grissom cry before.
"She died. She was murdered. My wife, Laura, died too" Grissom sobbed.
"Oh Grissom. I'm so sorry!" Sara exclaimed, as she put a comforting hand on his leg.
Grissom sighed and begun his own narrative.
"Even as a child, I was pretty happy being alone. But I was never as withdrawn as you know me to be. My hearing didn't help. The more I lost my hearing the more I became withdrawn. But even before my hearing problems - well after their deaths - I didn't let people in so much" Grissom explained.
"How did they die?" Sara asked.
"I didn't love Laura. I liked her but we hadn't know each other long enough to know if we loved each other. She got pregnant and her parents were Catholic and insisted we marry. It seemed the right thing to do at the time - so I did. But after she had our daughter, Emily, she became really crabby. She was unhappy all the time. She had postnatal depression but she never snapped out of it after a couple of years. She began to hate me. I always suspected that she did but I thought it was just seemed that way because she was under stress. She always complained that I was boring. She always complained that I always worked and didn't care about her or Emily. But that wasn't true!. I loved Emily so much!. She was my life. Whenever I was down she lifted me up. She seemed like that most beautiful thing in the world. She seemed perfect. I was so happy because I had her that it didn't seem to get me down that my wife and I weren't getting along. I didn't love Laura but I just wanted to keep our family together. I knew if I left her then I'd only get to see Emily at weekends, if I was lucky!. Then one day" Grissom narrated.
Grissom burst into tears. Sara has a terrible feeling she knew where this story was heading.
"Then one day when Emily was three years old. I walked in to find them both dead!. My wife had killed my daughter and then she killed herself" Grissom sobbed.
Grissom couldn't continue. He just burst into even more tears. Sara opened her arms and Grissom fell into them sobbing.
"Oh Grissom!. You poor thing!. That's terrible!" Sara exclaimed.
Sara paused
"It's not your fault!. It's not!. You can't blame yourself!" Sara exclaimed.
"But it was!. In her note, she said I was boring!. She said I bored her to death. She said she hated me. She said that she'd prefer Emily to be dead than have to live in company or be neglected by me!. She said I'd neglect her because I'd always work. She said that even if she didn't die from neglect then she'd grow up to have emotional problems because her dad never loved her. But that's not true! - I did love her! - I did! - I loved her so much!" Grissom sobbed.
"I believe you!. I believe you!" Sara comforted him.
"She said that Emily would grow up and have emotional problems and probably kill herself anyway. So she killed her, Sara! - She killed her!" Grissom sobbed.
Grissom paused.
"I just didn't want to put anyone else through that boredom. I didn't want to put you through what my wife went through. I'm better off alone then I won't hurt people" Grissom sobbed.
"You're not boring, Grissom!. Your not!. I would never be bored by you!" Sara exclaimed reassuringly.
"I did try dating people after a few years. But I never dare ask pretty women out!. I asked desperate people - and of course that never worked out. Then by the time I'd scraped up enough confidence to ask pretty people it was too late for us. I realised you'd always be my pupil in my eyes and that it was inappropriate. Even the women I did pursue - I think deep down I never let it develop into a proper relationship. And look at me now! - I'm in love with a married woman - that's probably a subliminal way to avoid a relationship too" Grissom commented.
"So you really love her?" Sara asked.
"I've never felt this way about anyone ever, Sara!. If I didn't feel so strongly then I'd just ignore it - but I can't!. I think your mother is the most perfect woman in the world!"
"Wow!" Sara was impressed and taken aback.
Sara laughed.
"Maybe its fate or something" Sara laughed.
"What is?" Grissom asked.
"Well if you're meant to be with my mother. Then I've always meant to be a daughter figure to you. Like someone or the universe put us all together" Sara explained.
"Except me and your mother aren't meant to be" Grissom commented.
"She can't leave my dad, Grissom" Sara insisted sadly.
"I'll help her!. I'll protect her!. Both of you!" Grissom insisted.
"Grissom it isn't just danger wise. There are other complications. Anyway, I think she might still love him" Sara explained.
"How can she?" Grissom asked.
"I don't know" Sara explained.
Grissom looked disappointed and just bowed his head in thought. After a few minutes of silence Grissom said,
"Emily would have been about Laney's age now. Emily's a year younger actually. And Emily, she had beautiful brown hair just like you" Grissom reminisced.
"Is that why your so fond of Laney and I? Because we remind you of your daughter" Sara asked sensitively.
"I'm fond of you both on your own merits too. You're both amazing. I would never have struck up such a friendship with Laney had she not be so persuasive and persistent. And as for you - you're so determined! So clever! So caring!. I think you're great" Grissom explained.
Grissom gave a small laugh and said,
"When she was alive I remember always wishing Emily would grow up to be science whiz!. You and Laney are aren't you?" Grissom added.
Sara didn't know what to say. She didn't know if she felt comfortable with Grissom thinking of her as a daughter figure. Deep down she still wanted him to fancy her. She'd prefer that to being his daughter figure!.
"I would give anything to have a daughter!. Especially you!. And I'd give anything to have Libby!. Your father has both!. He's so lucky and yet he doesn't appreciate either of you!. It breaks my heart how he hardly loves either of you. I wish so badly you were both mine. I'd treated you both properly!. I'd treat you both like the princesses you are!" Grissom commented.
Some tears fell down Grissom's face again. Sara therefore put a hand on Grissom's hand.
"You're the number one person I'd want my mom to be with. And if I had to lose out to anyone then my mom is the number one person I'd wish to lose out to. I wish you could both be together but it's just too complicated. She can't leave him. I'm sorry" Sara commented.
They sat in silence for a while contemplating again. Grissom begun to calmed down. Eventually he spoke again,
"There's something I have to confess to you. I told you a white lie. Remember I told you my friend committed suicide? - That was the lie - it was my wife. You see when Laura's parents made us get married they also made us go to church every Sunday. I didn't resist because I wanted to give Catholicism another go. But when Laura killed herself and Emily. Well I was struggling with my faith enough at that point without interfering hypocrites" Grissom explained.
Sara put her hand on Grissom's again.
"Father Linley said it's different now, remember. St Catherine's doesn't sound like that, at least. But it's up to you. It's rather hypocritical of me to say all this actually - you see I've been thinking and I don't think I will be going regularly after all. I'm just too scared. Taking on a religion is a big life change!. I just too scared to take that step. I still talk to Father Linley though. He's really nice. And I still pray and stuff. I just - you know - I'm just too scared" Sara replied.
"I know" Grissom smiled reassuringly and took her hand.
They sat in silence for a while.
Suddenly they noticed Libby and Boby heading back from their way. Boby and Libby looked so in love. Grissom didn't know what to think about those two anymore!. Was it an act?. Libby waved and then stopped because she realised something was wrong. She came rushing over and Boby followed slowly behind daydreaming.
"Are you alright?. You don't look well - are you ill, darling?. You've been crying!. Mr Grissom so have you!. Baby, what's wrong?. What can I do to make you better?" Libby exclaimed frantically concerned and holding Sara's face in her hands.
"Nothing. We're fine. Please go inside and we'll be in in a minute" Sara replied perking up.
"O.k" Libby reluctantly agreed and then declared "Boby, come on".
Boby snapped out of his daydream and followed.
"We better go in" Sara told Grissom.
"You gonna be o.k.?" Sara asked.
Grissom nodded.
"Grissom, thank you for telling me all that stuff!. It really means a lot. I realise how lucky I am for you to tell me all that. And if you ever need to talk - I'm here. But look Grissom! - You need trust people again!. Everyone loves you and they find you fascinating!. If you're dating a woman and she doesn't feel a connection then I'm sure she'll tell you in future - you don't need to worry. Give relationships a second try. Please!. And thank you for listening to me and for being so supportive. It actually really helps to be able to talk about it to you. And one last thing" Sara told him.
She opened up her arms to signify she wanted to hug him. He smiled and they had one last hug before going inside.
"There's no point in saying sorry to you, Sara - because I'm not. I'm glad I know!" Grissom told her.
"Your honest I'll give you that. We've always admired your honesty" Sara responded.
"Who?" Grissom asked.
"The team" she replied.
Sara turned and looked straight at him.
"Answer me honestly. Did you snoop because you're nosey or because you care?" Sara asked.
"How can you ask me that?. Because I care, of course" Grissom responded hurt.
"I believe you. You did seem upset when my dad hit me because I wouldn't let him take Laney away" Sara replied.
"Does that happen often? Does he hit you too?" Grissom asked sensitively.
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara replied.
"Please Sara. I'm worried" Grissom reiterated.
"No. Not often. Usually I only get hurt if I try break them up. It's nothing. And as for my mom, don't worry about her - She's got me" Sara replied.
"Sara, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders by yourself!. Catherine and I have already noticed the way it's had an emotional effect on you" Grissom commented.
"What's she said?" Sara asked worried.
"Just that you don't worry about your own pains because you're so concerned about your mom's. You need to worry about yourself, Sara. You're looking after your mom but who's there to look after you?" Grissom commented.
Grissom paused.
"Has he been hitting her for long?" Grissom asked.
"Only 33 years" Sara replied sarcastically.
Grissom sighed.
"I didn't really used to mind. No I did mind. I mean - I didn't used to get angry!. I just used to get worried. I loved my dad to death and I suppose I just assumed there must be a really good reason or something. Or it wasn't as dangerous as it seemed. Even when my mom went into hospital I never used to think my dad could intentionally do that. Even when I suspected he was in the wrong then I was too scared to do or say anything. Nobody else seemed to be doing anything - so I figured it must be alright or normal. What I didn't know was his parents had disowned him, my mom's parents were deeply worried and so was camp cuckoo. Then when I was a teenager my dad just suddenly turned on me one day for no reason. He attacked me big style. And that's when I began to hate him and I've never turned back. It sounds terrible doesn't it? - I didn't do anything for my mom until he hurt me. But it wasn't like that!. I did nothing to provoke him and yet he really hurt me for no reason. The look in his eyes and his lack of motive made me realise just how evil he is. He didn't give two stuffs about me and he doesn't about mom. The only thing he cares about is how to get his kicks. If he does love me or mom then it's not as much as he loves his kicks" Sara explained.
Grissom put a hand on her back to comfort her.
"That's terrible" Grissom commented with care.
Grissom paused. There was something he was confused about and he needed to ask her.
"I don't understand. I thought hippies were meant to be passive, non violent and really caring" Grissom commented.
Sara laughed.
"You didn't meet many hippies did you?. Everyone thinks their all lovey dovey people but in reality - well, their not necessarily. I mean most weren't violent to women. But there were a lot of bad tempered pains in the ass. They were intolerant of anyone who didn't agree with them. Probably the drugs made them so moody. It upset me sometimes though. Don't get me wrong - I had some really happy times even before camp cuckoo but some of the people were a downside. My mom was never like that though - she was a lovely person and still is. She didn't like it the attitude some of them had. Some of them weren't nice people. She was glad she got me away from them. Don't ask why she fell for my dad if she didn't like bad tempered people. I don't know. I suppose it wasn't horrid at first and by then it was too late. I'm also pretty sure that she thinks either he has a mental illness caused by the drugs screwing up his brain or she thinks he'll snap out of it one day - she really does!. Anyway, the hippies. Well, there were certain hippy principles she begun to disagree with and the intolerance was one of them. But she tolerated it until she got Camp cuckoo. When my parents moved to camp cuckoo they only invited certain people to live with them. My dad made her invite his best friend. 'Made' being the operative word!. But my dad and his best friend were the only two bad apples left. It sounds terrible but luckily his best friend died from a drug overdose when I was ten. Of course, a lot of people have questioned whether my dad really was a hippy. It is quite hypocritical that my dad rallied against the war and nuclear weapons but at home he was using violence himself to get his own way. Maybe the rallies were because of a selfish fear that he might die. Maybe it was a good way to avoid being called a coward" Sara explained.
Sara sighed. Grissom put his hand on her's and she continued.
"There is this theory that some men only joined the non conformist movement to get easy nookie!. Plus it's an excuse to experiment with drugs. And who's gonna not agree with not wanting to get a job?. Maybe he just sat there and nodded when he disagreed with what some hippies were saying. On the other hand, he was always a rebel and non conformist at heart. He wanted to rebel against his parents. I mean he didn't just stumble upon the hippy movement!. He was never the type to get a job. His parents forced him to go to medical school. The truth is I don't know, my mom doesn't know and no one knows what goes on in my dad's head. No on knows why he does the stuff he does. He's a mystery. We can only merely guess. Maybe he's a big non conformist hypocrite!. I don't know. All I know is that if either of my parents were going off the camp cuckoo lifestyle then they probably haven't changed their life for two reasons. Firstly, most people here depend on them and so they couldn't sell camp cuckoo - and they fear they'd not get anymore money from their parents - plus they can't imagine getting a proper job. Secondly, they can't be bothered to get off their lazy asses and do something if they don't like their lives. I don't know if their still in for all this. My mom seems to be. I just don't know about my dad. The irony is that he used to be the one who forced her to do some 'hippy' things she didn't want to. He forced her to take hallucinogenic drugs because he preferred her high and because he didn't want his friends to laugh at his girlfriend. Then finally my mom realised the neglect she caused me when she was high and so she stopped hallucinogens. He was not happy. He beat the shit out of her. But she wouldn't budge in her decision. That's how much she loves me" Sara explained.
Sara looked him straight in the face and said,
"Are you going to sack me?" Sara asked.
"What?. What for?" Grissom asked astounded.
"I get too personal on cases. It might detriment my work because it gets too personal. If you chase two rabbits and you lose them both, remember?" Sara replied.
"Sara, you're a brilliant CSI. I would never dream of sacking you. I don't think I'm even allowed to on those grounds. Anyway, if it wasn't for the way you give me a good kick up the ass to find evidence to nail abuse cases then I may have given up on them. Everyone gets personal abut something. Worst case scenario I might reconsider assigning you to abuse cases - I don't know!" Grissom replied.
"I don't even know why I get upset. With the Kaye Shelton case - yes, I was reminded about my own mother's mortality - but I was never worried my dad wouldn't go to jail. I would make sure that case was proven and if I couldn't then I still knew enough stuff to get him put away in jail for a long time. But I was so worried for women who don't have that advantage. I suppose I know what it's like to be in that situation" Sara explained.
Grissom put an arm round Sara and pulled her into him. She burst into tears.
"Oh Grissom!" Sara exclaimed.
There was silence as Sara sat there sobbing into him and the anger in him grew up.
"That pig!" Grissom exclaimed livid.
"I'd give anything to be your father. You're the perfect daughter. He's so lucky and he just doesn't realise it!" Grissom declared.
"Daughter. Great!. Just what I wanted" Sara replied.
"Sorry" Grissom responded.
"No, don't worry. Do you mind if I ask if I would been in with a chance if you hadn't of fallen in love with my mom?" Sara asked.
"You know about that" Grissom exclaimed.
"You're not denying it!. Grissom everyone knows!. It's pretty obvious with that expression slapped across your face every time you see her. The way you go all gooey and turn to jello. Even my dad knows. He doesn't really care though. He knows there's nothing she can do about it even if she wanted to. I don't know - he might use it as an excuse to hit her once we're gone - but I wouldn't worry too much about it, because if it wasn't this excuse then he'd just make up some other excuse" Sara explained.
Grissom paused.
"Did you notice how gooey I went when I met you?" Grissom asked coyly.
Sara looked at him.
"I suspected you fancied me but obviously I was wrong" Sara replied.
"Sara, I didn't come up to you after the seminar because you impressed me with knowing most of the answers. It was just an excuse. I would never have pursued a friendship with you if I had just loved your brain. I know millions of geniuses, Sara - I didn't need to know anymore. You're so beautiful - and the intelligence was an added bonus" Grissom explained.
"So what's the problem?" Sara asked.
"You know part of the problem, Sara. We work together" Grissom explained.
"We didn't when we first met" Sara added.
"I was too shy to ask you out, at first. Then when you came to work with me this niggling little feeling started growing inside me. This niggling little feeling that it wasn't right and that you were too young" Grissom told her.
"Don't give me that rubbish, Grissom!. I know you dated women as young as me" Sara said.
Grissom laughed at himself.
"You don't get it" he exclaimed.
Sara was confused.
"I did get involved with women of your age. They might not have been a good idea. It might have even been a mid life crisis. But even compared to those women you always seemed different. I think it's because we've always had this teacher pupil relationship. You feel so young compared to them. It feels so wrong feeling the way I do about you" Grissom explained.
Grissom paused.
"Can I ask you something?. It's just something your mom said once. Do you see me as a father figure?" Grissom said.
"What?. Oh what she been saying?. Maybe!. Maybe yeah!. But that's nothing - I just ignore it" Sara replied.
"Like your dad's violence is nothing?. Catherine's right - you're in denial - but it doesn't go away does it?" Grissom said.
"You say I'm a daughter figure to you and yet you also say you fancy me" Sara argued.
"I'm doing really well at not being romantically attracted you" Grissom said.
"Gee, thanks!. I'm glad it's so easy!" Sara replied.
"It's not easy!. Sara, I have to!. We work together!. I just think to myself - there's plenty more fish in the sea. Sorry" Grissom said.
"Don't be. I think the same. I haven't put my life on hold just because of you. You were just a good option" Sara replied defensively.
"Every parent thinks their daughter is beautiful. So I'm still allowed to think your beautiful - because I can't deny that to myself" Grissom explained.
"That kind of makes sense" Sara replied confused.
Sara paused.
"I'll respect that", Sara added, "I'm not in love with you, you know!. I admit I liked you a lot but it never turned into love. How could it when I hardly know who 'the real Grissom' is. Anyway, we're not destined to be together if you don't feel the same way back. For a start, you prefer my mom" Sara added.
"She's more suitable" Grissom explained.
"She's already married!" Sara exclaimed.
"I mean age wise. Maybe it was never a good idea to go after women so much younger than me anyway. But as you said nothing could happen me and your mother. I just wish it would" Grissom explained.
"You haven't asked me if she feels the same" Sara commented.
"She does you know" Sara added.
Grissom looked surprised.
"I know these things" Sara added.
"What would she see in me?. She's not a scientist, Sara. I'd bore her!" Grissom exclaimed.
"She told me she does like you. She likes you a lot. She might even love you" Sara confessed.
"Well then she doesn't realise how boring I am!. I'm better alone Sara - trust me" Grissom asked.
"My mother loves science!. Trust me she likes you" Sara explained.
"Why would she?" Grissom asked.
"Why don't you ask her yourself?. She wouldn't be surprised if you did. She's quite unconventional" Sara added.
"I'd bore her!" Grissom insisted angrily.
"No you wouldn't!" Sara insisted.
Grissom's tone became more serious,
"Sara. There's something I need to tell you. I'm sorry I invaded your privacy - but this might make up for it. That's not why I'm telling you though. I feel guilty for digging but that's not why I'm telling you this. I'm telling you because I want to. Not many people know this but-" Grissom had stopped mid sentence.
Sara was intrigued.
"Go on" Sara said.
"I used to have a daughter, Sara. And I used to have a wife"
Sara was quite taken aback.
"Oh. Is your daughter dead or lost?. Do you mind if I ask?" Sara responded.
Grissom begun to cry. Sara didn't think she'd ever seen Grissom cry before.
"She died. She was murdered. My wife, Laura, died too" Grissom sobbed.
"Oh Grissom. I'm so sorry!" Sara exclaimed, as she put a comforting hand on his leg.
Grissom sighed and begun his own narrative.
"Even as a child, I was pretty happy being alone. But I was never as withdrawn as you know me to be. My hearing didn't help. The more I lost my hearing the more I became withdrawn. But even before my hearing problems - well after their deaths - I didn't let people in so much" Grissom explained.
"How did they die?" Sara asked.
"I didn't love Laura. I liked her but we hadn't know each other long enough to know if we loved each other. She got pregnant and her parents were Catholic and insisted we marry. It seemed the right thing to do at the time - so I did. But after she had our daughter, Emily, she became really crabby. She was unhappy all the time. She had postnatal depression but she never snapped out of it after a couple of years. She began to hate me. I always suspected that she did but I thought it was just seemed that way because she was under stress. She always complained that I was boring. She always complained that I always worked and didn't care about her or Emily. But that wasn't true!. I loved Emily so much!. She was my life. Whenever I was down she lifted me up. She seemed like that most beautiful thing in the world. She seemed perfect. I was so happy because I had her that it didn't seem to get me down that my wife and I weren't getting along. I didn't love Laura but I just wanted to keep our family together. I knew if I left her then I'd only get to see Emily at weekends, if I was lucky!. Then one day" Grissom narrated.
Grissom burst into tears. Sara has a terrible feeling she knew where this story was heading.
"Then one day when Emily was three years old. I walked in to find them both dead!. My wife had killed my daughter and then she killed herself" Grissom sobbed.
Grissom couldn't continue. He just burst into even more tears. Sara opened her arms and Grissom fell into them sobbing.
"Oh Grissom!. You poor thing!. That's terrible!" Sara exclaimed.
Sara paused
"It's not your fault!. It's not!. You can't blame yourself!" Sara exclaimed.
"But it was!. In her note, she said I was boring!. She said I bored her to death. She said she hated me. She said that she'd prefer Emily to be dead than have to live in company or be neglected by me!. She said I'd neglect her because I'd always work. She said that even if she didn't die from neglect then she'd grow up to have emotional problems because her dad never loved her. But that's not true! - I did love her! - I did! - I loved her so much!" Grissom sobbed.
"I believe you!. I believe you!" Sara comforted him.
"She said that Emily would grow up and have emotional problems and probably kill herself anyway. So she killed her, Sara! - She killed her!" Grissom sobbed.
Grissom paused.
"I just didn't want to put anyone else through that boredom. I didn't want to put you through what my wife went through. I'm better off alone then I won't hurt people" Grissom sobbed.
"You're not boring, Grissom!. Your not!. I would never be bored by you!" Sara exclaimed reassuringly.
"I did try dating people after a few years. But I never dare ask pretty women out!. I asked desperate people - and of course that never worked out. Then by the time I'd scraped up enough confidence to ask pretty people it was too late for us. I realised you'd always be my pupil in my eyes and that it was inappropriate. Even the women I did pursue - I think deep down I never let it develop into a proper relationship. And look at me now! - I'm in love with a married woman - that's probably a subliminal way to avoid a relationship too" Grissom commented.
"So you really love her?" Sara asked.
"I've never felt this way about anyone ever, Sara!. If I didn't feel so strongly then I'd just ignore it - but I can't!. I think your mother is the most perfect woman in the world!"
"Wow!" Sara was impressed and taken aback.
Sara laughed.
"Maybe its fate or something" Sara laughed.
"What is?" Grissom asked.
"Well if you're meant to be with my mother. Then I've always meant to be a daughter figure to you. Like someone or the universe put us all together" Sara explained.
"Except me and your mother aren't meant to be" Grissom commented.
"She can't leave my dad, Grissom" Sara insisted sadly.
"I'll help her!. I'll protect her!. Both of you!" Grissom insisted.
"Grissom it isn't just danger wise. There are other complications. Anyway, I think she might still love him" Sara explained.
"How can she?" Grissom asked.
"I don't know" Sara explained.
Grissom looked disappointed and just bowed his head in thought. After a few minutes of silence Grissom said,
"Emily would have been about Laney's age now. Emily's a year younger actually. And Emily, she had beautiful brown hair just like you" Grissom reminisced.
"Is that why your so fond of Laney and I? Because we remind you of your daughter" Sara asked sensitively.
"I'm fond of you both on your own merits too. You're both amazing. I would never have struck up such a friendship with Laney had she not be so persuasive and persistent. And as for you - you're so determined! So clever! So caring!. I think you're great" Grissom explained.
Grissom gave a small laugh and said,
"When she was alive I remember always wishing Emily would grow up to be science whiz!. You and Laney are aren't you?" Grissom added.
Sara didn't know what to say. She didn't know if she felt comfortable with Grissom thinking of her as a daughter figure. Deep down she still wanted him to fancy her. She'd prefer that to being his daughter figure!.
"I would give anything to have a daughter!. Especially you!. And I'd give anything to have Libby!. Your father has both!. He's so lucky and yet he doesn't appreciate either of you!. It breaks my heart how he hardly loves either of you. I wish so badly you were both mine. I'd treated you both properly!. I'd treat you both like the princesses you are!" Grissom commented.
Some tears fell down Grissom's face again. Sara therefore put a hand on Grissom's hand.
"You're the number one person I'd want my mom to be with. And if I had to lose out to anyone then my mom is the number one person I'd wish to lose out to. I wish you could both be together but it's just too complicated. She can't leave him. I'm sorry" Sara commented.
They sat in silence for a while contemplating again. Grissom begun to calmed down. Eventually he spoke again,
"There's something I have to confess to you. I told you a white lie. Remember I told you my friend committed suicide? - That was the lie - it was my wife. You see when Laura's parents made us get married they also made us go to church every Sunday. I didn't resist because I wanted to give Catholicism another go. But when Laura killed herself and Emily. Well I was struggling with my faith enough at that point without interfering hypocrites" Grissom explained.
Sara put her hand on Grissom's again.
"Father Linley said it's different now, remember. St Catherine's doesn't sound like that, at least. But it's up to you. It's rather hypocritical of me to say all this actually - you see I've been thinking and I don't think I will be going regularly after all. I'm just too scared. Taking on a religion is a big life change!. I just too scared to take that step. I still talk to Father Linley though. He's really nice. And I still pray and stuff. I just - you know - I'm just too scared" Sara replied.
"I know" Grissom smiled reassuringly and took her hand.
They sat in silence for a while.
Suddenly they noticed Libby and Boby heading back from their way. Boby and Libby looked so in love. Grissom didn't know what to think about those two anymore!. Was it an act?. Libby waved and then stopped because she realised something was wrong. She came rushing over and Boby followed slowly behind daydreaming.
"Are you alright?. You don't look well - are you ill, darling?. You've been crying!. Mr Grissom so have you!. Baby, what's wrong?. What can I do to make you better?" Libby exclaimed frantically concerned and holding Sara's face in her hands.
"Nothing. We're fine. Please go inside and we'll be in in a minute" Sara replied perking up.
"O.k" Libby reluctantly agreed and then declared "Boby, come on".
Boby snapped out of his daydream and followed.
"We better go in" Sara told Grissom.
"You gonna be o.k.?" Sara asked.
Grissom nodded.
"Grissom, thank you for telling me all that stuff!. It really means a lot. I realise how lucky I am for you to tell me all that. And if you ever need to talk - I'm here. But look Grissom! - You need trust people again!. Everyone loves you and they find you fascinating!. If you're dating a woman and she doesn't feel a connection then I'm sure she'll tell you in future - you don't need to worry. Give relationships a second try. Please!. And thank you for listening to me and for being so supportive. It actually really helps to be able to talk about it to you. And one last thing" Sara told him.
She opened up her arms to signify she wanted to hug him. He smiled and they had one last hug before going inside.