As Libby was approaching the hotel, she was startled to see her daughter
running out the hotel in floods of tears. Libby stormed upstairs.
"What have you done to her?" Libby shouted angrily.
"Oh, you know Sara - she gets emotional. She's such a drama queen. I did nothing though - and if she says I did she's a liar" Boby told Libby uninterested.
"Oh yeah and I'm going to believe you over her" Libby snapped angrily.
"You should" Boby shouted.
"If she says you touched her or if I find one scratch on her! - Don't except to me again till court" Libby warned him.
Bobby remained silent as Libby stormed out.
"Stupid bitches" Boby remarked to himself.
He sighed in frustration about the mess he was in.
As soon as Sara got home she dead locked her door and put a chair behind it to make sure he couldn't come after her. She was so upset that she just went over to the sofa and cried and cried and cried for ages. Eventually, she got up and put an appropriate c.d. It was 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia. She put it on and the just went back to the sofa and cried. As the song played she was too upset to even attempt to sing the words. She just listened as she whaled. Finally when it got to the line "But I don't know him anymore" onwards, she began to sing along quietly. But by the end of "This is how I feel" she stopped singing and just cried and listened again.
("I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm. He came around like he was dignified. He showed me what it was to cry. Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for. But I don't know him anymore. There's nothing where he used to lie. My conversation has run dry. That's what's going on. Nothing's fine I'm torn. I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed. Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. You're a little late I'm already torn")
When the first chorus had finished Sara calmed herself down and turned the c.d. off. She picked up her cell phone and called her mom. She got the cell's answer phone.
"Mom!. When you get this message please can you call me back. I really need you!. Dad really upset me. Nothing dodgy happened but he said some really horrible things. He was just so horrible mom!. Please come round. Please!" Sara whined.
What Sara didn't realize was Libby was outside afraid to come in in fear of what she might hear from Sara about what Boby had said or done. Libby was sure she would have to leave Boby now. Libby was going to go in but she just wanted to put it off for a while.
Once Sara had put the phone down she decided to take the chair away from the door and take the bolts off. This meant her mum could get in with her own key but her dad couldn't. Her dad didn't have his own key so, hopefully, the key lock would still keep him away. But if it didn't then Sara had given up caring. What's the worst he could do?. Rape me? - He's already done that!. Kill me? - Good! It will be a release from this hell I've been living my whole life!.
Sara sat on her sofa waiting for her mom. She wanted her mom so desperately. Her mom had always been so good at comforting her. As a child, whether Sara was upset her mom used to sing to her. She would mainly sing the 'Wild horses' song to Sara to comfort her when she was upset. It was originally sung by the rolling stones but even before 'the Sundays' version came out her mom always used to sing it like 'the Sundays' (minus the Irish accent, of course). They always used to joke that she was psychic because of it. And even as an adult, whenever Sara was upset and her mom wasn't around to comfort her, that was the song Sara would remember in times of distress. Sara loved the way her mom would sing 'wild horses' to her like the song was specially written for Sara. Sara also found it a comforting song because it was one of the few regular songs her mom used to sing to her that her father hadn't sung to her too. As Sara sat waiting now she began to day dream. Her mind sprung back to this one time when she was six years old. Her parents had just had an argument. Sara was sitting up in bed huddled up in her mother's arms and her mother was stroking Sara as she sang her that song. Sara decided to put 'Wild horses' on her c.d. system to aide her memory. Without the real thing her memory of her mom and that song was the only thing that could attempt to comfort her right now. The second time round, she played that song, she decided to sing along in reminiscence. After the third time she'd played that song and was still not comforted she turned it off.
She looked through her c.d. collection again and put another c.d. on. This time it was Christina Aguilera's song "I'm o.k.". As the song began she remembered her dad molesting her as a child. Gradually as the words began, she sang along crying and remembering her parents violent fighting.
(The song begins with a girl crying "Daddy Daddy Daddy!". Then a man saying deviously "Aren't you my good girl". Then the singing begins "Once upon a time there was a girl. In her early years she had to learn how to grow up living in a war that she called home. Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm. Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face. Every time my father's fist would put her in her place. Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room. Hoping it would be over soon. Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same. And I still remember how you kept me so afraid. Strength is my mother for all the love she gave. Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday. And I'm OK")
But when it got to the pause in between "back to yesterday" and "And I'm o.k." Sara said,
"And I'm not o.k.".
Then the song said "I'm o.k." and Sara said,
"I thought I was. But I'm not. I'm not o.k., Dad!" Sara sobbed.
As the words continued Sara continued mouthing the words along. This time she thought about Alaney and about how her dad used to come into her room at night sometimes and molest Sara. There were times during the song when Sara actually sung out to her absent father - trying to get him to understand how he'd made her feel.
("I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt. When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built. Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door. The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more!". Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done!. To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on")
Once the song had sung "for me it still lives on" Sara stopped the cd and moped.
Suddenly she became furiously angry. She grabbed a flower vase and flung it across the room in frustration. Then she just fell on the sofa crying again. After a while, a sudden thought came to her. She ran into her bedroom. She reached down into the back of her wardrobe and got out a bottle of vodka. Then she went over to her bedside cabinet and took a bottle of valium out. Once back in the living room she went over to her sofa and swallowed one valium tablet. She then got a glass and started to pour and drink the raw vodka. She considered suicide but wasn't sure whether she wanted to end it quite yet. For now she just knew she wanted to numb the pain. After her second glass of vodka, she began to day dream. She remembered a friend of hers asking her how Sara or her Mom could still love her dad even though he treated them so badly. Sara herself wasn't even sure why she loved him. Why she believed in him. This thought provoked a montage of memories in her head,
First, she remembered one time when she was four and her parents were sitting round her bed singing 'Dream a little dream of me'. She remembered how her dad sang it at her with such love and passion. She honestly believed he loved her. He looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. At one point he touched her on the nose and made a funny face at her and she laughed. And then Sara remembered how times like this were not rare.
Next she remembered another time when she was four. She had been outside playing one evening and one of the other hippies had shouted at her. He was renowned for being one of the nasty ones. He didn't react too well to drugs - he became paranoid and moody. So Sara ran indoors crying. Her dad was genuinely concerned and asked her what was wrong. So Sara told him. Her dad reacted by storming outside and having a go at this man in front of everyone. Sara came running outside, hide behind her father and clung onto him for protection.
"Who gave you the right to speak to my daughter like that?" Boby shouted at him.
He punched the man. But the man didn't retaliate. He just said he didn't believe in violence unlike Boby. Boby picked Sara up in his arms and started walking off muttering,
"Self righteous coward!".
Finally he turned to Sara and said to her genuinely,
"It's alright baby. Daddy's here now, pumpkin. Daddy's sorted him out. He won't be bothering you again" he comforted her.
Sara then remembered another time. This time she three years old and she had been in bed ill all day. Her mom had been looking after her but her dad hadn't known she'd been ill because he'd been gone all day. Her dad returned in the early evening and her mom explained Sara was ill.
"How ill?" Boby asked concerned and angry with Libby.
Boby asked because social services were on their back because Libby hadn't realized Sara was so ill she needed to be taken to hospital three times previously. Sara got ill a lot as a child the doctors couldn't really tell why though. So Boby went over to Sara and checked her out. He was so sweet and caring to her. Again Sara noted, he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. Finally he felt her forehead. He was immediately alarmed.
"You stupid idiot Libby!. She's burning up!. You've done it again!. Do you want to have baby girl taken away?" Boby shouted at Libby.
"What's wrong with her?" Libby asked concerned and on the verge of tears.
"She's really ill!. She has a sky rocketing fever!. Forget social services, Libby, you might have actually killed her this time!. It looks really serious!" Boby shouted worried and on the verge of tears.
"I'm not stupid!. Just because you trained to be a doctor!" Libby sobbed back.
"That has nothing to do with it, Libby!. It's common sense!. Gees Libby!. You think I'm the one abusing her!. A few bruises are nothing compared to the damaged caused by the neglect you put her through!. Just keep away from her, you silly girl!" Boby shouted.
He picked Sara up in his arms and rushed her out. Libby followed after them.
"Wait!. Wait for me!" Libby cried.
Boby sighed and stopped.
"O.k. Fine. You can come with us. But in future" Boby let her.
"I know" Libby acknowledged.
As they got into their van Libby turned to Boby and said,
"Oh my goodness!. Boby!. I've just had a thought!. How are we going to pay for her medical care?. We can't go back to our parents another time!" Libby expressed.
"Is that all you can think about!. Money!. We'll find the money somehow!. I'll go to my parents if you're too proud to go to yours" Boby shouted.
"It's not like that!. Sara is the most important thing in the world to me!" Libby defended angrily but trying to keep calm.
"Except drugs" Boby responded.
"That is not true!" Libby shouted.
Boby pointed a stern finger in Libby's face which scared her.
"Don't shout at me!" Boby shouted.
"Sorry. Sorry" Libby said petrified and repenting.
"Do you understand how serious this is, Libby?. She could die you stupid girl!" Boby snapped back.
The next thing Sara could remember about that memory was beginning to feel woozy and then gradually blacking out. The last thing she heard was her mom calling out "Baby girl!".
When Sara woke up later that night in that memory, she was in hospital and both her parents were waiting anxiously by her bedside. Her dad still looked like she was the most precious thing in the world and her mom usually did anyway. Her parents looked worried sick. They looked so worn out and stressed. They'd obviously stayed up all night in the hospital waiting for her to wake up.
Then next she remembered later on that same night. She was pretending to be asleep in her hospital bed but was really listening to her parents' conversation.
"Boby, do you think I'm a bad mother?" Libby asked out the blue.
Boby gave a small laugh and put an arm round Libby.
"No. I think you're a fantastic mother!. And I think baby girl's lucky to have you!. You just lack common sense sometimes, that's all. But you make up for it ten times over with how good you are with her!. She's gonna grow up and be under no doubt that her momma loves her" Boby told her.
"You really think that?" Libby asked.
"You know what?. One of the reasons I think your such a great mom is because you're so patient with her!. I know I'm a grumpy old man and I don't treat her right - But still! - other parents are nearly as bad as me. Not just our friends or our parents' friends. But you just go to the mall and everywhere you go there's screaming kids and there's parents screaming back at them. It's a natural reaction. But you!. You just cope so well. You hardly every shout at her when she gets difficult. You spoil her too much sometimes maybe. But also you're fabulous at comforting her when she's upset. Usually because I upset her!. I wish I could be like you. But I just can't seem to keep control of my temper. Your one of the best parents I've ever met!" Boby reassured her.
Libby smiled and laid her head on Boby's shoulders. He kissed Libby's head and Sara fully closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep.
Obviously, it wasn't all good times. Sometimes he didn't care she was ill. Sometimes he didn't care for her or her safety. It really depended on what mood he was in that day. What drug he was on. Whether he was drunk or not. Sara couldn't understand how one moment he could love her more than anything in the world and then in a similar situation not give a stuff about her. She couldn't understand how now he was drug free he could still be so temperamental with his feelings.
She remembered how her mom had been dressing her one day, when she was about three years old. Her mom had found bruises around the top of her arm and asked Sara how she'd got them. Sara said she fell. Of course, Libby knew what had happened. She could tell from the hand marks that Boby had pulled Sara up by the top of her tiny arm. Libby went out and had a massive go at Boby. She screamed at him not to lay a hand on her daughter ever again and how he could have dislocated Sara's shoulder doing that. Boby told her to chill and when she didn't he started shouting back at her. Eventually, Boby agreed not to do it again. A week later however, Libby and Boby had got into another violent argument. Sara had tried to break them up. Boby then lifted Sara up by the top of her arm again and threw her onto the sofa. Libby went hysterical. Shouting and bawling at him. Eventually, she picked Sara up and left Boby. Libby left Boby for a good fortnight before going back. That was a long time for them. Eventually Boby had caught up with Libby one day and begged her and Sara to come back. Sara remembered how Boby looked like he genuinely loved her mother and indeed her herself and couldn't live without them. He was a wreck without Libby. He said he never had and never could love any woman as much as Libby and they were soul mates. He said he loved Sara and was sorry he hurt her but it just happened and it would never happened again. And it did never happen again. Boby never picked Sara up in that fashion again.
Sara remembered how whenever her parents would sing 'Dream a little dream of me' to her she'd pretend to fall asleep and they'd start singing it to each other. It was so sweet. Sara would half open her eyes to peek at them. They looked so in love with each other. Even her dad looked genuinely in love with Libby.
Sara remembered how one time when she was five years old. She hadn't been able to sleep because her parents had been arguing. But now the arguing had appeared to have stopped and so Sara thought it would be safe to get a glass of water to help her sleep. To get to the kitchen you had to pass the living room. So Sara did. But Boby noticed her passing by and called out to her.
"Baby girl?. What are you doing?" he asked slightly peeved but fairly tolerant.
She felt a chill ran down her spine.
"I wanted some water. Can I have some water, please daddy?" Sara asked.
"Of course you can" her dad replied as if it was a silly question.
Sara walked into the living room and saw Boby was sitting drinking a gin. He was looking down at Libby who was lying unconscious on the floor. Sara gasped when she saw Libby. She ran over to her mother and on the verge of tears asked,
"Is mummy dead?" Sara asked horrified.
"No, of course not. Don't be silly. Do you really think I'd let her die?. Now come on, your never reach the taps at your height! - I'll get you the water. How exactly did you plan to reach the taps yourself?" he asked her.
Sara didn't answered she was too worried about her mom.
"Baby girl?. Helloooo?" Boby responded annoyed and trying to distract her.
"Ummm, I was going to use a chair" Sara replied.
"Clever girl. Now come on, do you want that drink or not?" Boby responded.
"Should we call an ambulance?" Sara asked concerned.
"No!. I told you she's fine!. Now leave her alone and come and get some water and then go to bed!. Your be able to see her up and about in the morning!" Boby shouted.
Sara burst into tears.
"Please don't shout me. I don't like it when you shout" Sara cried.
Boby calmed down and became nicer. He came over an put an arm round her,
"I'm sorry, pumpkin. Sorry. Forgive daddy. Yeah?" he gestured.
He took Sara fingers and put them on Libby's neck.
"Look, feel that?. Like a heart beat?. It means mummy's alive. Believe me now?" Boby said sweetly to her.
Suddenly Libby started moving. Sara was delighted she hugged her mother ecstatically. Libby was trying to work out where she was. Sara turned round and started shouting at her dad,
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" she shouted.
Boby raised his hand like he was going to hit Sara. Libby immediately jumped over and covered Sara. Boby accidentally hit Libby round the head instead of Sara. Libby couldn't take a another blow and collapsed landing on top of Sara.
Sara was underneath screaming and crying. Boby sighed and rolled Libby off Sara.
"I'm losing my patience with you, baby girl. Do you want that glass of water or not?!?" Boby said sternly.
Sara said nothing she just kneeled down and she stroked her mom. Boby stormed off and returned with a glass of water. He then grabbed baby girl's wrist and put her into her room. He then gave her the water, left the room and slammed the door behind him. Sara couldn't sleep all night. She just cried and worried all that night.
Finally she remembered her conversation with her father earlier.
"Sara, you need me. You're upset about Alaney. I'm here for you" she remembered him proposing.
"I'm going to donate.So I don't know why you're all getting so upset!" she remembered Boby shouting.
"You really need to stop getting so emotional about that kid, Sara!" she remembered him saying.
"You ruined my life!" Sara remembered crying.
"Am I meant to care?" she remembered Boby asking sarcastically.
Sara went into another hysterical crying fit. She took her fourth glass of vodka. Her drugs and drink binge was getting more and more serious. She was quite drunk but still undecided as to whether she wanted to end it. She got out another c.d. and put it on. This time it was 'I'm alright' by the Stereophonics.
("I'll drink another drink for you. One, two, three, four, five. Once I drank a fish alive,
I'll drop another pill for you. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Did it before, do it again
I'll tell another joke you for you. Did you hear the one about the one that looks like you.
I'll sleep. We'll sleep the rounds for you. Why don't you scratch my back and chew the tongue I chew?. Ahhhhhh. I'm alright. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. I'll tell another lie for you. Tell you what you want to hear but that don't make it true. I'll wear another smile for you. That way you'll know I'm fine and having fun with you. I'll draw another line for you. That way you'll know I'm hip, that way you'll know I'm cool. I'll smoke another smoke for you. I'll blow back in your mouth and you can blow back too. Ahhhhhh. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. Ahhhhh. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. You gotta go there to come back. I'll take another punch for you. Tie my hands behind my back that way you cannot lose. I'll make another pound for you. So you can drive your motor car and drive you to the moon.)
Again she sang along. She shouted along to particularly relevant words. When she got to the line "Did you hear the about the one who looks like you" Sara looked a picture of Alaney then screamed and threw it across the room. Then she began to run a bath. She was too drunk to realize the danger it entailed. But deep down she had now decided to play Russian roulette with her drinks and drugs. She had decided to take only one more valium pill and have 1 more glass of vodka and then no more. She decided that if that amount killed her she didn't care. But if it didn't kill her she didn't mind either. She was going to let fate, or at least science, decide. She toasted her absent father and drank her final glass when the line "I'll drink another drink for you" came up. She took her final pill when the line "I'll drop another pill for you" came up. Eventually her head swirled and swirled. She stumbled round drunkenly and angrily singing. When the bath had finished running she got in.
("Ahhh. Ahhhh. I'm alright. Ahhh. Ahhh. I'm alright, alright. Happy, you're free, alright. Love, pain, sun, rain, alright")
At first, she was fine. But gradually she lost consciousness and began to fall down under the water, leaving the song playing on. As she did she was hit by a fast montage of images and memories from her childhood. Good and bad. Everything just seemed to swirl.
Thankfully, Sara wasn't under the water for long before her mother came crashing in - dragging her up just in time.
"Baby girl!. Baby girl!" Libby kept screaming.
Libby performed CPR as soon as she'd got Sara on the floor. Sara regained consciousness pretty quickly and started to cough up. Libby hugged her ecstatically relieved.
"Oh baby girl! You're alright!. Thank goodness! Thank goodness!" Libby exclaimed.
Libby sat Sara on the sofa with a blanket round her.
"What were you trying to do? Kill yourself?" Libby asked hysterical.
"I don't know" Sara replied zombified.
Libby put an arm round her wet and shaken daughter. Libby was shaking herself but not from cold. Silent tears began to run down Libby's face.
"What happened darling?" Libby asked.
Sara said nothing.
"Why did he upset you so much if nothing dodgy happened?" Libby asked.
"He just said really horrible things!. He said he didn't care about ruining my life!. He was just so uncaring, mom!" Sara sobbed.
Sara burst out crying.
"I thought you'd agreed to stop doing this, Sara!. Oh my! - If I had come a minute later I don't want to think bout what would have happened!. Don't ever do that to me again!. I need you, Sara!. Alaney needs you!. We all need you!" Libby told her.
The phone rang. They left it. The answer phone picked it up. It was Sara's dad .Sara clung to her mom in fear.
"Listen slut pick up the phone!. If you tell your mother anything dodgy happened - which it didn't, Libby! - then I will hunt Alaney down and kill her understand?. Then I'll hunt you and your mother down and kill you both too. And if either of you attempt to go near a police station - well, let's just say you won't make it there!. Understand?" Boby shouted.
"Such a pleasant man, your father" Libby commented sarcastically.
A minute later, the phone rang again.
"Baby, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all those things. I'm sorry. Daddy loves you. I love you too, Libby. Are you there Libby?. Call me if you are. We need to talk" Boby said.
Libby thought to herself and then got. She picked up Sara's phone and dialed Daven's cell phone.
"Oh Daven thank goodness your there!. Can you come round?. Your dad's really upset Sara and I think she tried to top herself. Plus I think Boby might come round and try to scare us. Daven, I can't do this alone. Please can you come round?. Oh thank you, sweetie. I love you" Libby exclaimed.
Sara had gone over to the c.d. player and put wild horses on. Libby knew exactly what Sara wanted. Libby came over cuddled Sara up in her arms and sang the words to her. Sara smiled through her tears. Libby stroked her daughter's face and smiled reassuringly at her baby. Libby stared Sara right into the eyes and sang it to her as if the song was written specially for Sara. Libby treated her like she was still her little six year old girl again - but this time Sara didn't mind, she loved it.
("Childhood living is easy to do. The things that you wanted I bought them for you Graceless lady, you know who I am. You know I can't let you just slide through my hands. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild horses, Couldn't drag me away. I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain. Now you decided just to show me the same No sweeping exits or offstage lines, Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away. Faith has been broken and tears must be cried, Let's do some living after we die. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild Horses, we'll ride them someday. Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday")
Libby began silently crying when "I watched you suffer a dull aching pain and now you've decided to show me the same" came up and then when "let's do some living after we die" came up. Sara joined in the third chorus and they sang it together. Then Libby sang the whole song all over again to Sara and Sara eventually fell asleep.
Twenty minutes later, Sara was awoken by Libby and Daven's voices. Libby and Daven were stood in Sara's kitchen staring over and talking about her.
"What do you mean you don't know if she tried to top herself?. Either she did or didn't?" Daven whispered.
Sara got up and Libby walked over to her. Libby put an arm round Sara and Sara laid her head down on Libby's shoulder.
Libby looked concerned.
"Sara, darling. I think it's time we go to the police" Libby suggested reluctantly.
Sara was startled and got up with a start.
"What?. No!. No way!. I will never let you go!. How can you say that?. I thought you understood!. You gotta stop suggesting that!. I will kill myself for certain - I promise you! - if you go to the police!. Understand?" Sara exclaimed.
"Darling, this has gone on for long enough!. Come on this is the fourth time you've tried to kill yourself. Threatening to kill yourself isn't much of a threat at the moment!. It looks like your going to try kill yourself anyway. You can't honestly be happy with the situation?. You need to put him away darling. You've got to!" Libby commented.
"Don't you love dad anymore?" Sara accused her mother.
"What?. Do you think this is easy for me?. I've been with that man for all of my adult life and I'm getting old honey!. We were meant to be soul mates. I love him Sara but I love you more. Your well being comes first. He is the bad guy after all. I love him but I don't like him. I don't particularly want to be with him" Libby replied sobbing.
Sara got up and opened a random drawer nearby and brought out a knife. Libby gasped.
"Put that down!" Daven shouted.
"You said as long as it was a one off you wouldn't go to the police!. He hasn't done anything dodgy before or since so why are you breaking your promise?" Sara shouted at her mother.
"I never promised, Sara!. That agreement was between me and your father. I just want to keep you from killing yourself but if your going to do it anyway then there's no point!. At least this way you might actually be less likely. You need to deal with this Sara!. And the only way that will happen is if we put him away" Libby explained.
"Give me the knife, Sara. I know you don't really want to do this. Think clearly about what your doing" Daven firmly pleaded with her.
Daven held out his palm for Sara to give him the knife and Sara did. Libby and Daven sighed wit relief. Sara broke down into tears and fell into her mother's arms.
"Please mom!. Please don't!. Everyone will stare at me and talk about me!" Sara whaled.
"Only because they love you, darling" Libby reassured her.
"People will say I deserved it!" Sara whaled.
"No one will!" Daven responded.
"People might not believe me!" Sara whaled again.
"The evidence is pretty damning" Daven responded.
"Please don't go to the police!. Please!. I promise I'll never try and commit suicide again - just as long as you don't go to the police!" Sara pleaded.
Libby sighed and nodded.
"O.k." Libby agreed.
"What?!?" Daven responded.
"Daven don't!. It's up to, Sara" Libby told him.
"Thank you! Thank you!" Sara exclaimed relieved.
Daven sighed, came over and put an arm round Sara.
"What did he do to upset you?. Do you want me to go teach him a lesson?" Daven proposed angrily.
"No!" Sara exclaimed.
Sara pushed him off and looked at him horrified.
"Your just like him!. Like father like son!. Always using violence to get things done!. Get out Daven!. Get out right now!. I don't want to see your hypocritical face anymore!" Sara exclaimed pushing him off.
"It's the only language he understands, Sara!" Daven insisted.
"How can you say that?" Sara asked.
"Daven. Two wrongs don't make a right. An eye for an eye.." Libby explained.
"And the whole world would go blind!. Yes I know!" Daven said unimpressed.
Daven walked over to the vodka and valium bottle on the table. He picked them up. He then went over to Sara's sink and poured the vodka down it.
"Libby. Come here a second" Daven told her.
He offered her a valium tablet.
"Want one before I chuck them out?" Daven whispered.
"No, no it's o.k. I have my own herbal calmers" Libby told him and showed him her bottle from her bag.
Libby turned to Sara,
"You should be herbal calmers not valium!. It will pollute your body!" Libby lectured.
"I know for a fact you've taken valium, mother. So don't be a hypocrite!" Sara snapped bitterly.
Libby took two herbal calmers and then gave the rest of the bottle to Sara to keep.
"The doctor shouldn't be prescribing you that when your suicidal. Didn't you tell the doctor your suicidal?" Libby asked annoyed.
"No. Only once in a blue moon do I try to end it" Sara informed her.
"Once in a blue moon's too much!. Just don't let another blue moon come too soon!" Libby responded.
"I also know for a fact that your suicidal. So stop lecturing me!" Sara shouted.
"You've got your father's temper" Libby commented.
"No I don't!. Don't say that!" Sara screamed at her.
"Well, stop acing like him then" Libby suggested.
"I am nothing like him" she replied annoyed but calmer.
Sara sat back down and calm down a bit. She looked at the herbal bottle and smirked.
"I could probably O.D. on these too, you know - Herbal or not" Sara commented to scare her mom.
Her mother gave her an unimpressed face.
Daven and Libby started whispering in the kitchen for a while. Sara just sat there daydreaming. After a while she turned to her mom and asked,
"Mom?. Can you come over here?. I want to ask you something".
Libby's heart sank. This didn't sound good. It sounded serious.
Despite her hesitations Libby came over to the sofa, put an arm round her daughter and prepared to listen.
"What is it darling?" Libby asked reluctant and scared.
Sara sighed and looked worried herself.
"I suppose I kind of know the answer. But I've always been too scared to ask you" Sara commented
Libby's heart starting beating fast 'Oh no! What was it going to be?' Libby wondered.
"But, I'm pretended for the answer now. I just need to know the truth now" Sara explained.
Libby and Daven exchanged worried looks.
"As me what, darling?" Libby asked with nervous laugh.
Sara turned and looked Libby right in the face and said,
"How did Dad react when you told him you were pregnant with me?" Sara asked.
Daven gave out a great laugh. Libby's face just dropped.
"Stop it, Daven!" Libby told him off.
"I knew it!. He wanted to get rid of me didn't he?" Sara took it in.
Libby grabbed Sara's hand.
"You father loves you a lot. He doesn't regret your existence" Libby reassured her.
"But he did, didn't he?" Sara asked.
"It was a shock to him. He didn't think it was going to happen. He thought I'd done it deliberately or that you were someone else's kid" Libby explained.
"Tell me the exact conversation!. Tell me exactly how he reacted!"
"Sara, it doesn't matter. He loves you" Libby told her.
Sara paused.
"Then why does he hurt me?" Sara asked.
Libby paused and sighed.
"I don't know. But I do know that's not the reason. It was just a blimp!. A shock!. A knee jerk reaction!. He loves you - I know he does!. The only reason I can think of is that he loves his fun more than he loves us. But you already knew that" Libby told her.
"Just tell me the exact conversation. I just want to know. To understand him better" Sara pleaded.
"O.k." Libby agreed.
It was a cold February morning in the year of 1971. Freshman Elizabeth 'Libby' Linton was roaming the University of Berkeley medicine school's corridors looking for her boyfriend Robert 'Boby' Sidle. They had met at this very university six months previously. She had got immediately involved in the 'non conformist movement' as soon as she joined Berkeley. Boby was a member too and recognised her immediately. They had met a few times before as their parents went to the same church back home in San Francisco. Libby was not only relieved to know someone but also delighted it was Boby because she had always fancied him a lot. What she hadn't know at the time was he had fancied her too. Now finally at college the two love birds had gotten together. It had seemed like love at first sight for both of them. But they only admitted their love to each other one month, nineteen days and eleven hours ago. At this precise time point in time though Libby was plagued with worry over her current situation - but she decided to hide it from her boyfriend when she finally found him.
"Boby!. Boby!. Thank goodness I found you!. I have fantastic news!" Libby exclaimed pretending to be excited.
"What?" Boby asked excited.
"I'm pregnant" Libby announced pretending to be delighted.
Boby's smile dropped like a lead balloon.
He said nothing for a while. But Libby could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't taking it well.
"Oh" he eventually responded.
He began to walk off and Libby followed after him.
"Boby, come back where are you going?. We need to talk" Libby declared.
He stopped and turned back to face her.
"Whose is it?" he asked.
"Yours silly!. Remember? - we promised to stay faithful to one another for one whole month as a sign of our admitting our love for one another. You haven't done it have you?!?. Never mind. Anyway - That was a month ago!. I'm a month pregnant!" Libby explained.
Boby was not impressed.
"Do you enjoy doing this Libby?. Is this some kind of game to you?" Boby asked.
"Game?" Libby asked.
"Are you trying to mess with my head?" Boby asked.
"Of course not!. You think I really want this?" Libby replied.
"Get rid of it then" he snapped.
"Boby. I can't" Libby responded.
"Why because of your mother?" Boby asked annoyed
"No, of course not. If I had no life - it would the perfect thing to do just to annoy her!" Libby responded.
"What then?. Your Catholic instincts are preying on you now?" Boby asked sarcastically.
"Don't be silly!. I don't have Catholic instincts, Boby - you know that!. It's just. Ohhh. This could work, Boby. I love children. I want to be a mother. And it could really bring us closer together, Boby. And also well frankly - yeah o.k., this is a human life - I can't bear to get rid of it. But that doesn't mean I have any Catholic instinct or anything, o.k.?. I just can't bear to get rid of a human life, Boby" Libby explained pleading with his heart.
Boby grabbed her wrists and pulled her up to his face.
"I could get rid of it if you can't!" he threatened angrily.
"You wouldn't!" Libby responded.
Boby let go of her and sighed in frustration
"Answer me!. Did you do this on purpose?" Boby asked.
"Of course not!" Libby replied.
"So how on earth did you get pregnant when your meant to be on the pill, you stupid girl?. Shall I tell you how? - because you did it deliberately!" Boby said furious.
"Why would I?" Libby asked.
"To trap me into a commitment with you?. Make me marry you. I won't!" Boby responded.
"I don't want to ever marry anyone!. We could be together for a lifetime and I still wouldn't marry you!" Libby informed him.
"Fine. You just wanted a baby and you knew I wouldn't agree" Boby proposed accusationally.
"No! it's not like that!. It was an accident, Boby!. You got to believe me!. Remember those antibiotics I was on?. Well, I didn't realise at the time but - well, it makes the pill useless!" Libby explained.
"Oh, you stupid girl!" Boby shouted.
"I'm sorry it was a mistake!" Libby pleaded.
"Yeah, well it's your mistake!. It's not my problem. Either get rid of that kid or look after it by yourself. If you have that kid we're over, Libby. You decide!" Boby ultimatumed.
Boby walked off.
"But Boby!. I thought you loved me!. You said you wanted to be with me forever!. How can you just give up on us so easily?" Libby pleaded calling after him on the verge of tears.
Boby continued walking off
"Well fine!. Stuff you!. We don't need you anyway!" Libby shouted after him.
She thought to herself and then ran after him. When she caught up with him she spun him round and started shouting at him.
"Did you treat Linda like this when she told you she was pregnant?. Did you?" Libby shouted after him furiously.
Boby stopped and turned.
"You don't get it. Linda didn't matter. We were never together. She meant nothing to me. But with you!. I loved you!. You've mucked up everything up!. We were meant to be together forever. We can't be now" Boby declared.
He walked off again.
As soon as Boby was out of sight Libby burst into tears. She expected him to react badly but not that badly. What was she going to do?. She had to choose between the love of her life and an innocent foetus she had already fallen deeply in love with.
"So what did you do?. How did you change his mind?" Sara asked her mother.
"That's the thing" Libby replied. "Two days later, just out the blue. He came over in floods of tears and with lots of gifts apologising profusely. He said he couldn't bare to lose the love of his life. He said he couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else. And finally he said that not only could he live with bringing up a child but he actually wanted this child. He said there was no one else he'd rather have a child with. He said that he just wished it had been when we were older. Then we agreed it was a plus because it was a fantastic way to annoy our parents!. The one sign of true rebellion against our parents - have an illegimate child" Libby told her.
Sara laughed.
"I don't need to ask how your parents reacted. I can guess!" Sara laughed.
"We didn't decide to leave college until just one month before the new academic year begun. Again our parents weren't best pleased. We run away to a commune and moved in together. We raised you as a family and he was perfectly happy with that then. He doesn't regret having you darling. He loves you very much. He just needed to see you when you were born to understand how much he would love you" Libby explained.
"Of course, along with the apology came a firm refusal to marry me. I explained to him again that that was the last thing I wanted to do and we agreed. We agreed right up until you were five when we decided that we both wanted to get married. Our parents didn't force us and we both agreed that we wanted to do it. You haven't ruined our lives, Sara. We love you and have always wanted you. And they all lived happily ever after. The end" Libby commented.
Sara paused for thought, too it all in and sighed.
"I just don't know what to think anymore, mom. There have been times when I swear he hasn't been faking loving us. But it just doesn't match some of his behaviour" Sara whined.
Libby hugged Sara into her.
"I know darling. I know. I'm confused too" Libby agreed.
Sara thought to herself.
"We can't hurt him or send him to jail anyway. We need his kidney" Sara commented.
"Very true" Libby remembered.
"So we do nothing again?" Daven asked.
Libby put an arm round both Sara & Daven and they lay their heads on her shoulders.
"I'm sorry love but basically - yeah!" Libby replied to his question.
Daven and Libby stayed up with Sara all that night. Even the next day they didn't attempt to leave her alone until they were convinced she was calm and not going to try to do anything stupid again. Several hours after leaving Daven decided to return. He and Libby agreed that he should live with Sara at least until Alaney had come out of hospital.
"What have you done to her?" Libby shouted angrily.
"Oh, you know Sara - she gets emotional. She's such a drama queen. I did nothing though - and if she says I did she's a liar" Boby told Libby uninterested.
"Oh yeah and I'm going to believe you over her" Libby snapped angrily.
"You should" Boby shouted.
"If she says you touched her or if I find one scratch on her! - Don't except to me again till court" Libby warned him.
Bobby remained silent as Libby stormed out.
"Stupid bitches" Boby remarked to himself.
He sighed in frustration about the mess he was in.
As soon as Sara got home she dead locked her door and put a chair behind it to make sure he couldn't come after her. She was so upset that she just went over to the sofa and cried and cried and cried for ages. Eventually, she got up and put an appropriate c.d. It was 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia. She put it on and the just went back to the sofa and cried. As the song played she was too upset to even attempt to sing the words. She just listened as she whaled. Finally when it got to the line "But I don't know him anymore" onwards, she began to sing along quietly. But by the end of "This is how I feel" she stopped singing and just cried and listened again.
("I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm. He came around like he was dignified. He showed me what it was to cry. Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for. But I don't know him anymore. There's nothing where he used to lie. My conversation has run dry. That's what's going on. Nothing's fine I'm torn. I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed. Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. You're a little late I'm already torn")
When the first chorus had finished Sara calmed herself down and turned the c.d. off. She picked up her cell phone and called her mom. She got the cell's answer phone.
"Mom!. When you get this message please can you call me back. I really need you!. Dad really upset me. Nothing dodgy happened but he said some really horrible things. He was just so horrible mom!. Please come round. Please!" Sara whined.
What Sara didn't realize was Libby was outside afraid to come in in fear of what she might hear from Sara about what Boby had said or done. Libby was sure she would have to leave Boby now. Libby was going to go in but she just wanted to put it off for a while.
Once Sara had put the phone down she decided to take the chair away from the door and take the bolts off. This meant her mum could get in with her own key but her dad couldn't. Her dad didn't have his own key so, hopefully, the key lock would still keep him away. But if it didn't then Sara had given up caring. What's the worst he could do?. Rape me? - He's already done that!. Kill me? - Good! It will be a release from this hell I've been living my whole life!.
Sara sat on her sofa waiting for her mom. She wanted her mom so desperately. Her mom had always been so good at comforting her. As a child, whether Sara was upset her mom used to sing to her. She would mainly sing the 'Wild horses' song to Sara to comfort her when she was upset. It was originally sung by the rolling stones but even before 'the Sundays' version came out her mom always used to sing it like 'the Sundays' (minus the Irish accent, of course). They always used to joke that she was psychic because of it. And even as an adult, whenever Sara was upset and her mom wasn't around to comfort her, that was the song Sara would remember in times of distress. Sara loved the way her mom would sing 'wild horses' to her like the song was specially written for Sara. Sara also found it a comforting song because it was one of the few regular songs her mom used to sing to her that her father hadn't sung to her too. As Sara sat waiting now she began to day dream. Her mind sprung back to this one time when she was six years old. Her parents had just had an argument. Sara was sitting up in bed huddled up in her mother's arms and her mother was stroking Sara as she sang her that song. Sara decided to put 'Wild horses' on her c.d. system to aide her memory. Without the real thing her memory of her mom and that song was the only thing that could attempt to comfort her right now. The second time round, she played that song, she decided to sing along in reminiscence. After the third time she'd played that song and was still not comforted she turned it off.
She looked through her c.d. collection again and put another c.d. on. This time it was Christina Aguilera's song "I'm o.k.". As the song began she remembered her dad molesting her as a child. Gradually as the words began, she sang along crying and remembering her parents violent fighting.
(The song begins with a girl crying "Daddy Daddy Daddy!". Then a man saying deviously "Aren't you my good girl". Then the singing begins "Once upon a time there was a girl. In her early years she had to learn how to grow up living in a war that she called home. Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm. Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face. Every time my father's fist would put her in her place. Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room. Hoping it would be over soon. Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same. And I still remember how you kept me so afraid. Strength is my mother for all the love she gave. Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday. And I'm OK")
But when it got to the pause in between "back to yesterday" and "And I'm o.k." Sara said,
"And I'm not o.k.".
Then the song said "I'm o.k." and Sara said,
"I thought I was. But I'm not. I'm not o.k., Dad!" Sara sobbed.
As the words continued Sara continued mouthing the words along. This time she thought about Alaney and about how her dad used to come into her room at night sometimes and molest Sara. There were times during the song when Sara actually sung out to her absent father - trying to get him to understand how he'd made her feel.
("I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt. When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built. Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door. The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more!". Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done!. To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on")
Once the song had sung "for me it still lives on" Sara stopped the cd and moped.
Suddenly she became furiously angry. She grabbed a flower vase and flung it across the room in frustration. Then she just fell on the sofa crying again. After a while, a sudden thought came to her. She ran into her bedroom. She reached down into the back of her wardrobe and got out a bottle of vodka. Then she went over to her bedside cabinet and took a bottle of valium out. Once back in the living room she went over to her sofa and swallowed one valium tablet. She then got a glass and started to pour and drink the raw vodka. She considered suicide but wasn't sure whether she wanted to end it quite yet. For now she just knew she wanted to numb the pain. After her second glass of vodka, she began to day dream. She remembered a friend of hers asking her how Sara or her Mom could still love her dad even though he treated them so badly. Sara herself wasn't even sure why she loved him. Why she believed in him. This thought provoked a montage of memories in her head,
First, she remembered one time when she was four and her parents were sitting round her bed singing 'Dream a little dream of me'. She remembered how her dad sang it at her with such love and passion. She honestly believed he loved her. He looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. At one point he touched her on the nose and made a funny face at her and she laughed. And then Sara remembered how times like this were not rare.
Next she remembered another time when she was four. She had been outside playing one evening and one of the other hippies had shouted at her. He was renowned for being one of the nasty ones. He didn't react too well to drugs - he became paranoid and moody. So Sara ran indoors crying. Her dad was genuinely concerned and asked her what was wrong. So Sara told him. Her dad reacted by storming outside and having a go at this man in front of everyone. Sara came running outside, hide behind her father and clung onto him for protection.
"Who gave you the right to speak to my daughter like that?" Boby shouted at him.
He punched the man. But the man didn't retaliate. He just said he didn't believe in violence unlike Boby. Boby picked Sara up in his arms and started walking off muttering,
"Self righteous coward!".
Finally he turned to Sara and said to her genuinely,
"It's alright baby. Daddy's here now, pumpkin. Daddy's sorted him out. He won't be bothering you again" he comforted her.
Sara then remembered another time. This time she three years old and she had been in bed ill all day. Her mom had been looking after her but her dad hadn't known she'd been ill because he'd been gone all day. Her dad returned in the early evening and her mom explained Sara was ill.
"How ill?" Boby asked concerned and angry with Libby.
Boby asked because social services were on their back because Libby hadn't realized Sara was so ill she needed to be taken to hospital three times previously. Sara got ill a lot as a child the doctors couldn't really tell why though. So Boby went over to Sara and checked her out. He was so sweet and caring to her. Again Sara noted, he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. Finally he felt her forehead. He was immediately alarmed.
"You stupid idiot Libby!. She's burning up!. You've done it again!. Do you want to have baby girl taken away?" Boby shouted at Libby.
"What's wrong with her?" Libby asked concerned and on the verge of tears.
"She's really ill!. She has a sky rocketing fever!. Forget social services, Libby, you might have actually killed her this time!. It looks really serious!" Boby shouted worried and on the verge of tears.
"I'm not stupid!. Just because you trained to be a doctor!" Libby sobbed back.
"That has nothing to do with it, Libby!. It's common sense!. Gees Libby!. You think I'm the one abusing her!. A few bruises are nothing compared to the damaged caused by the neglect you put her through!. Just keep away from her, you silly girl!" Boby shouted.
He picked Sara up in his arms and rushed her out. Libby followed after them.
"Wait!. Wait for me!" Libby cried.
Boby sighed and stopped.
"O.k. Fine. You can come with us. But in future" Boby let her.
"I know" Libby acknowledged.
As they got into their van Libby turned to Boby and said,
"Oh my goodness!. Boby!. I've just had a thought!. How are we going to pay for her medical care?. We can't go back to our parents another time!" Libby expressed.
"Is that all you can think about!. Money!. We'll find the money somehow!. I'll go to my parents if you're too proud to go to yours" Boby shouted.
"It's not like that!. Sara is the most important thing in the world to me!" Libby defended angrily but trying to keep calm.
"Except drugs" Boby responded.
"That is not true!" Libby shouted.
Boby pointed a stern finger in Libby's face which scared her.
"Don't shout at me!" Boby shouted.
"Sorry. Sorry" Libby said petrified and repenting.
"Do you understand how serious this is, Libby?. She could die you stupid girl!" Boby snapped back.
The next thing Sara could remember about that memory was beginning to feel woozy and then gradually blacking out. The last thing she heard was her mom calling out "Baby girl!".
When Sara woke up later that night in that memory, she was in hospital and both her parents were waiting anxiously by her bedside. Her dad still looked like she was the most precious thing in the world and her mom usually did anyway. Her parents looked worried sick. They looked so worn out and stressed. They'd obviously stayed up all night in the hospital waiting for her to wake up.
Then next she remembered later on that same night. She was pretending to be asleep in her hospital bed but was really listening to her parents' conversation.
"Boby, do you think I'm a bad mother?" Libby asked out the blue.
Boby gave a small laugh and put an arm round Libby.
"No. I think you're a fantastic mother!. And I think baby girl's lucky to have you!. You just lack common sense sometimes, that's all. But you make up for it ten times over with how good you are with her!. She's gonna grow up and be under no doubt that her momma loves her" Boby told her.
"You really think that?" Libby asked.
"You know what?. One of the reasons I think your such a great mom is because you're so patient with her!. I know I'm a grumpy old man and I don't treat her right - But still! - other parents are nearly as bad as me. Not just our friends or our parents' friends. But you just go to the mall and everywhere you go there's screaming kids and there's parents screaming back at them. It's a natural reaction. But you!. You just cope so well. You hardly every shout at her when she gets difficult. You spoil her too much sometimes maybe. But also you're fabulous at comforting her when she's upset. Usually because I upset her!. I wish I could be like you. But I just can't seem to keep control of my temper. Your one of the best parents I've ever met!" Boby reassured her.
Libby smiled and laid her head on Boby's shoulders. He kissed Libby's head and Sara fully closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep.
Obviously, it wasn't all good times. Sometimes he didn't care she was ill. Sometimes he didn't care for her or her safety. It really depended on what mood he was in that day. What drug he was on. Whether he was drunk or not. Sara couldn't understand how one moment he could love her more than anything in the world and then in a similar situation not give a stuff about her. She couldn't understand how now he was drug free he could still be so temperamental with his feelings.
She remembered how her mom had been dressing her one day, when she was about three years old. Her mom had found bruises around the top of her arm and asked Sara how she'd got them. Sara said she fell. Of course, Libby knew what had happened. She could tell from the hand marks that Boby had pulled Sara up by the top of her tiny arm. Libby went out and had a massive go at Boby. She screamed at him not to lay a hand on her daughter ever again and how he could have dislocated Sara's shoulder doing that. Boby told her to chill and when she didn't he started shouting back at her. Eventually, Boby agreed not to do it again. A week later however, Libby and Boby had got into another violent argument. Sara had tried to break them up. Boby then lifted Sara up by the top of her arm again and threw her onto the sofa. Libby went hysterical. Shouting and bawling at him. Eventually, she picked Sara up and left Boby. Libby left Boby for a good fortnight before going back. That was a long time for them. Eventually Boby had caught up with Libby one day and begged her and Sara to come back. Sara remembered how Boby looked like he genuinely loved her mother and indeed her herself and couldn't live without them. He was a wreck without Libby. He said he never had and never could love any woman as much as Libby and they were soul mates. He said he loved Sara and was sorry he hurt her but it just happened and it would never happened again. And it did never happen again. Boby never picked Sara up in that fashion again.
Sara remembered how whenever her parents would sing 'Dream a little dream of me' to her she'd pretend to fall asleep and they'd start singing it to each other. It was so sweet. Sara would half open her eyes to peek at them. They looked so in love with each other. Even her dad looked genuinely in love with Libby.
Sara remembered how one time when she was five years old. She hadn't been able to sleep because her parents had been arguing. But now the arguing had appeared to have stopped and so Sara thought it would be safe to get a glass of water to help her sleep. To get to the kitchen you had to pass the living room. So Sara did. But Boby noticed her passing by and called out to her.
"Baby girl?. What are you doing?" he asked slightly peeved but fairly tolerant.
She felt a chill ran down her spine.
"I wanted some water. Can I have some water, please daddy?" Sara asked.
"Of course you can" her dad replied as if it was a silly question.
Sara walked into the living room and saw Boby was sitting drinking a gin. He was looking down at Libby who was lying unconscious on the floor. Sara gasped when she saw Libby. She ran over to her mother and on the verge of tears asked,
"Is mummy dead?" Sara asked horrified.
"No, of course not. Don't be silly. Do you really think I'd let her die?. Now come on, your never reach the taps at your height! - I'll get you the water. How exactly did you plan to reach the taps yourself?" he asked her.
Sara didn't answered she was too worried about her mom.
"Baby girl?. Helloooo?" Boby responded annoyed and trying to distract her.
"Ummm, I was going to use a chair" Sara replied.
"Clever girl. Now come on, do you want that drink or not?" Boby responded.
"Should we call an ambulance?" Sara asked concerned.
"No!. I told you she's fine!. Now leave her alone and come and get some water and then go to bed!. Your be able to see her up and about in the morning!" Boby shouted.
Sara burst into tears.
"Please don't shout me. I don't like it when you shout" Sara cried.
Boby calmed down and became nicer. He came over an put an arm round her,
"I'm sorry, pumpkin. Sorry. Forgive daddy. Yeah?" he gestured.
He took Sara fingers and put them on Libby's neck.
"Look, feel that?. Like a heart beat?. It means mummy's alive. Believe me now?" Boby said sweetly to her.
Suddenly Libby started moving. Sara was delighted she hugged her mother ecstatically. Libby was trying to work out where she was. Sara turned round and started shouting at her dad,
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" she shouted.
Boby raised his hand like he was going to hit Sara. Libby immediately jumped over and covered Sara. Boby accidentally hit Libby round the head instead of Sara. Libby couldn't take a another blow and collapsed landing on top of Sara.
Sara was underneath screaming and crying. Boby sighed and rolled Libby off Sara.
"I'm losing my patience with you, baby girl. Do you want that glass of water or not?!?" Boby said sternly.
Sara said nothing she just kneeled down and she stroked her mom. Boby stormed off and returned with a glass of water. He then grabbed baby girl's wrist and put her into her room. He then gave her the water, left the room and slammed the door behind him. Sara couldn't sleep all night. She just cried and worried all that night.
Finally she remembered her conversation with her father earlier.
"Sara, you need me. You're upset about Alaney. I'm here for you" she remembered him proposing.
"I'm going to donate.So I don't know why you're all getting so upset!" she remembered Boby shouting.
"You really need to stop getting so emotional about that kid, Sara!" she remembered him saying.
"You ruined my life!" Sara remembered crying.
"Am I meant to care?" she remembered Boby asking sarcastically.
Sara went into another hysterical crying fit. She took her fourth glass of vodka. Her drugs and drink binge was getting more and more serious. She was quite drunk but still undecided as to whether she wanted to end it. She got out another c.d. and put it on. This time it was 'I'm alright' by the Stereophonics.
("I'll drink another drink for you. One, two, three, four, five. Once I drank a fish alive,
I'll drop another pill for you. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Did it before, do it again
I'll tell another joke you for you. Did you hear the one about the one that looks like you.
I'll sleep. We'll sleep the rounds for you. Why don't you scratch my back and chew the tongue I chew?. Ahhhhhh. I'm alright. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. I'll tell another lie for you. Tell you what you want to hear but that don't make it true. I'll wear another smile for you. That way you'll know I'm fine and having fun with you. I'll draw another line for you. That way you'll know I'm hip, that way you'll know I'm cool. I'll smoke another smoke for you. I'll blow back in your mouth and you can blow back too. Ahhhhhh. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. Ahhhhh. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. You gotta go there to come back. I'll take another punch for you. Tie my hands behind my back that way you cannot lose. I'll make another pound for you. So you can drive your motor car and drive you to the moon.)
Again she sang along. She shouted along to particularly relevant words. When she got to the line "Did you hear the about the one who looks like you" Sara looked a picture of Alaney then screamed and threw it across the room. Then she began to run a bath. She was too drunk to realize the danger it entailed. But deep down she had now decided to play Russian roulette with her drinks and drugs. She had decided to take only one more valium pill and have 1 more glass of vodka and then no more. She decided that if that amount killed her she didn't care. But if it didn't kill her she didn't mind either. She was going to let fate, or at least science, decide. She toasted her absent father and drank her final glass when the line "I'll drink another drink for you" came up. She took her final pill when the line "I'll drop another pill for you" came up. Eventually her head swirled and swirled. She stumbled round drunkenly and angrily singing. When the bath had finished running she got in.
("Ahhh. Ahhhh. I'm alright. Ahhh. Ahhh. I'm alright, alright. Happy, you're free, alright. Love, pain, sun, rain, alright")
At first, she was fine. But gradually she lost consciousness and began to fall down under the water, leaving the song playing on. As she did she was hit by a fast montage of images and memories from her childhood. Good and bad. Everything just seemed to swirl.
Thankfully, Sara wasn't under the water for long before her mother came crashing in - dragging her up just in time.
"Baby girl!. Baby girl!" Libby kept screaming.
Libby performed CPR as soon as she'd got Sara on the floor. Sara regained consciousness pretty quickly and started to cough up. Libby hugged her ecstatically relieved.
"Oh baby girl! You're alright!. Thank goodness! Thank goodness!" Libby exclaimed.
Libby sat Sara on the sofa with a blanket round her.
"What were you trying to do? Kill yourself?" Libby asked hysterical.
"I don't know" Sara replied zombified.
Libby put an arm round her wet and shaken daughter. Libby was shaking herself but not from cold. Silent tears began to run down Libby's face.
"What happened darling?" Libby asked.
Sara said nothing.
"Why did he upset you so much if nothing dodgy happened?" Libby asked.
"He just said really horrible things!. He said he didn't care about ruining my life!. He was just so uncaring, mom!" Sara sobbed.
Sara burst out crying.
"I thought you'd agreed to stop doing this, Sara!. Oh my! - If I had come a minute later I don't want to think bout what would have happened!. Don't ever do that to me again!. I need you, Sara!. Alaney needs you!. We all need you!" Libby told her.
The phone rang. They left it. The answer phone picked it up. It was Sara's dad .Sara clung to her mom in fear.
"Listen slut pick up the phone!. If you tell your mother anything dodgy happened - which it didn't, Libby! - then I will hunt Alaney down and kill her understand?. Then I'll hunt you and your mother down and kill you both too. And if either of you attempt to go near a police station - well, let's just say you won't make it there!. Understand?" Boby shouted.
"Such a pleasant man, your father" Libby commented sarcastically.
A minute later, the phone rang again.
"Baby, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all those things. I'm sorry. Daddy loves you. I love you too, Libby. Are you there Libby?. Call me if you are. We need to talk" Boby said.
Libby thought to herself and then got. She picked up Sara's phone and dialed Daven's cell phone.
"Oh Daven thank goodness your there!. Can you come round?. Your dad's really upset Sara and I think she tried to top herself. Plus I think Boby might come round and try to scare us. Daven, I can't do this alone. Please can you come round?. Oh thank you, sweetie. I love you" Libby exclaimed.
Sara had gone over to the c.d. player and put wild horses on. Libby knew exactly what Sara wanted. Libby came over cuddled Sara up in her arms and sang the words to her. Sara smiled through her tears. Libby stroked her daughter's face and smiled reassuringly at her baby. Libby stared Sara right into the eyes and sang it to her as if the song was written specially for Sara. Libby treated her like she was still her little six year old girl again - but this time Sara didn't mind, she loved it.
("Childhood living is easy to do. The things that you wanted I bought them for you Graceless lady, you know who I am. You know I can't let you just slide through my hands. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild horses, Couldn't drag me away. I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain. Now you decided just to show me the same No sweeping exits or offstage lines, Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away. Faith has been broken and tears must be cried, Let's do some living after we die. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild Horses, we'll ride them someday. Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday")
Libby began silently crying when "I watched you suffer a dull aching pain and now you've decided to show me the same" came up and then when "let's do some living after we die" came up. Sara joined in the third chorus and they sang it together. Then Libby sang the whole song all over again to Sara and Sara eventually fell asleep.
Twenty minutes later, Sara was awoken by Libby and Daven's voices. Libby and Daven were stood in Sara's kitchen staring over and talking about her.
"What do you mean you don't know if she tried to top herself?. Either she did or didn't?" Daven whispered.
Sara got up and Libby walked over to her. Libby put an arm round Sara and Sara laid her head down on Libby's shoulder.
Libby looked concerned.
"Sara, darling. I think it's time we go to the police" Libby suggested reluctantly.
Sara was startled and got up with a start.
"What?. No!. No way!. I will never let you go!. How can you say that?. I thought you understood!. You gotta stop suggesting that!. I will kill myself for certain - I promise you! - if you go to the police!. Understand?" Sara exclaimed.
"Darling, this has gone on for long enough!. Come on this is the fourth time you've tried to kill yourself. Threatening to kill yourself isn't much of a threat at the moment!. It looks like your going to try kill yourself anyway. You can't honestly be happy with the situation?. You need to put him away darling. You've got to!" Libby commented.
"Don't you love dad anymore?" Sara accused her mother.
"What?. Do you think this is easy for me?. I've been with that man for all of my adult life and I'm getting old honey!. We were meant to be soul mates. I love him Sara but I love you more. Your well being comes first. He is the bad guy after all. I love him but I don't like him. I don't particularly want to be with him" Libby replied sobbing.
Sara got up and opened a random drawer nearby and brought out a knife. Libby gasped.
"Put that down!" Daven shouted.
"You said as long as it was a one off you wouldn't go to the police!. He hasn't done anything dodgy before or since so why are you breaking your promise?" Sara shouted at her mother.
"I never promised, Sara!. That agreement was between me and your father. I just want to keep you from killing yourself but if your going to do it anyway then there's no point!. At least this way you might actually be less likely. You need to deal with this Sara!. And the only way that will happen is if we put him away" Libby explained.
"Give me the knife, Sara. I know you don't really want to do this. Think clearly about what your doing" Daven firmly pleaded with her.
Daven held out his palm for Sara to give him the knife and Sara did. Libby and Daven sighed wit relief. Sara broke down into tears and fell into her mother's arms.
"Please mom!. Please don't!. Everyone will stare at me and talk about me!" Sara whaled.
"Only because they love you, darling" Libby reassured her.
"People will say I deserved it!" Sara whaled.
"No one will!" Daven responded.
"People might not believe me!" Sara whaled again.
"The evidence is pretty damning" Daven responded.
"Please don't go to the police!. Please!. I promise I'll never try and commit suicide again - just as long as you don't go to the police!" Sara pleaded.
Libby sighed and nodded.
"O.k." Libby agreed.
"What?!?" Daven responded.
"Daven don't!. It's up to, Sara" Libby told him.
"Thank you! Thank you!" Sara exclaimed relieved.
Daven sighed, came over and put an arm round Sara.
"What did he do to upset you?. Do you want me to go teach him a lesson?" Daven proposed angrily.
"No!" Sara exclaimed.
Sara pushed him off and looked at him horrified.
"Your just like him!. Like father like son!. Always using violence to get things done!. Get out Daven!. Get out right now!. I don't want to see your hypocritical face anymore!" Sara exclaimed pushing him off.
"It's the only language he understands, Sara!" Daven insisted.
"How can you say that?" Sara asked.
"Daven. Two wrongs don't make a right. An eye for an eye.." Libby explained.
"And the whole world would go blind!. Yes I know!" Daven said unimpressed.
Daven walked over to the vodka and valium bottle on the table. He picked them up. He then went over to Sara's sink and poured the vodka down it.
"Libby. Come here a second" Daven told her.
He offered her a valium tablet.
"Want one before I chuck them out?" Daven whispered.
"No, no it's o.k. I have my own herbal calmers" Libby told him and showed him her bottle from her bag.
Libby turned to Sara,
"You should be herbal calmers not valium!. It will pollute your body!" Libby lectured.
"I know for a fact you've taken valium, mother. So don't be a hypocrite!" Sara snapped bitterly.
Libby took two herbal calmers and then gave the rest of the bottle to Sara to keep.
"The doctor shouldn't be prescribing you that when your suicidal. Didn't you tell the doctor your suicidal?" Libby asked annoyed.
"No. Only once in a blue moon do I try to end it" Sara informed her.
"Once in a blue moon's too much!. Just don't let another blue moon come too soon!" Libby responded.
"I also know for a fact that your suicidal. So stop lecturing me!" Sara shouted.
"You've got your father's temper" Libby commented.
"No I don't!. Don't say that!" Sara screamed at her.
"Well, stop acing like him then" Libby suggested.
"I am nothing like him" she replied annoyed but calmer.
Sara sat back down and calm down a bit. She looked at the herbal bottle and smirked.
"I could probably O.D. on these too, you know - Herbal or not" Sara commented to scare her mom.
Her mother gave her an unimpressed face.
Daven and Libby started whispering in the kitchen for a while. Sara just sat there daydreaming. After a while she turned to her mom and asked,
"Mom?. Can you come over here?. I want to ask you something".
Libby's heart sank. This didn't sound good. It sounded serious.
Despite her hesitations Libby came over to the sofa, put an arm round her daughter and prepared to listen.
"What is it darling?" Libby asked reluctant and scared.
Sara sighed and looked worried herself.
"I suppose I kind of know the answer. But I've always been too scared to ask you" Sara commented
Libby's heart starting beating fast 'Oh no! What was it going to be?' Libby wondered.
"But, I'm pretended for the answer now. I just need to know the truth now" Sara explained.
Libby and Daven exchanged worried looks.
"As me what, darling?" Libby asked with nervous laugh.
Sara turned and looked Libby right in the face and said,
"How did Dad react when you told him you were pregnant with me?" Sara asked.
Daven gave out a great laugh. Libby's face just dropped.
"Stop it, Daven!" Libby told him off.
"I knew it!. He wanted to get rid of me didn't he?" Sara took it in.
Libby grabbed Sara's hand.
"You father loves you a lot. He doesn't regret your existence" Libby reassured her.
"But he did, didn't he?" Sara asked.
"It was a shock to him. He didn't think it was going to happen. He thought I'd done it deliberately or that you were someone else's kid" Libby explained.
"Tell me the exact conversation!. Tell me exactly how he reacted!"
"Sara, it doesn't matter. He loves you" Libby told her.
Sara paused.
"Then why does he hurt me?" Sara asked.
Libby paused and sighed.
"I don't know. But I do know that's not the reason. It was just a blimp!. A shock!. A knee jerk reaction!. He loves you - I know he does!. The only reason I can think of is that he loves his fun more than he loves us. But you already knew that" Libby told her.
"Just tell me the exact conversation. I just want to know. To understand him better" Sara pleaded.
"O.k." Libby agreed.
It was a cold February morning in the year of 1971. Freshman Elizabeth 'Libby' Linton was roaming the University of Berkeley medicine school's corridors looking for her boyfriend Robert 'Boby' Sidle. They had met at this very university six months previously. She had got immediately involved in the 'non conformist movement' as soon as she joined Berkeley. Boby was a member too and recognised her immediately. They had met a few times before as their parents went to the same church back home in San Francisco. Libby was not only relieved to know someone but also delighted it was Boby because she had always fancied him a lot. What she hadn't know at the time was he had fancied her too. Now finally at college the two love birds had gotten together. It had seemed like love at first sight for both of them. But they only admitted their love to each other one month, nineteen days and eleven hours ago. At this precise time point in time though Libby was plagued with worry over her current situation - but she decided to hide it from her boyfriend when she finally found him.
"Boby!. Boby!. Thank goodness I found you!. I have fantastic news!" Libby exclaimed pretending to be excited.
"What?" Boby asked excited.
"I'm pregnant" Libby announced pretending to be delighted.
Boby's smile dropped like a lead balloon.
He said nothing for a while. But Libby could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't taking it well.
"Oh" he eventually responded.
He began to walk off and Libby followed after him.
"Boby, come back where are you going?. We need to talk" Libby declared.
He stopped and turned back to face her.
"Whose is it?" he asked.
"Yours silly!. Remember? - we promised to stay faithful to one another for one whole month as a sign of our admitting our love for one another. You haven't done it have you?!?. Never mind. Anyway - That was a month ago!. I'm a month pregnant!" Libby explained.
Boby was not impressed.
"Do you enjoy doing this Libby?. Is this some kind of game to you?" Boby asked.
"Game?" Libby asked.
"Are you trying to mess with my head?" Boby asked.
"Of course not!. You think I really want this?" Libby replied.
"Get rid of it then" he snapped.
"Boby. I can't" Libby responded.
"Why because of your mother?" Boby asked annoyed
"No, of course not. If I had no life - it would the perfect thing to do just to annoy her!" Libby responded.
"What then?. Your Catholic instincts are preying on you now?" Boby asked sarcastically.
"Don't be silly!. I don't have Catholic instincts, Boby - you know that!. It's just. Ohhh. This could work, Boby. I love children. I want to be a mother. And it could really bring us closer together, Boby. And also well frankly - yeah o.k., this is a human life - I can't bear to get rid of it. But that doesn't mean I have any Catholic instinct or anything, o.k.?. I just can't bear to get rid of a human life, Boby" Libby explained pleading with his heart.
Boby grabbed her wrists and pulled her up to his face.
"I could get rid of it if you can't!" he threatened angrily.
"You wouldn't!" Libby responded.
Boby let go of her and sighed in frustration
"Answer me!. Did you do this on purpose?" Boby asked.
"Of course not!" Libby replied.
"So how on earth did you get pregnant when your meant to be on the pill, you stupid girl?. Shall I tell you how? - because you did it deliberately!" Boby said furious.
"Why would I?" Libby asked.
"To trap me into a commitment with you?. Make me marry you. I won't!" Boby responded.
"I don't want to ever marry anyone!. We could be together for a lifetime and I still wouldn't marry you!" Libby informed him.
"Fine. You just wanted a baby and you knew I wouldn't agree" Boby proposed accusationally.
"No! it's not like that!. It was an accident, Boby!. You got to believe me!. Remember those antibiotics I was on?. Well, I didn't realise at the time but - well, it makes the pill useless!" Libby explained.
"Oh, you stupid girl!" Boby shouted.
"I'm sorry it was a mistake!" Libby pleaded.
"Yeah, well it's your mistake!. It's not my problem. Either get rid of that kid or look after it by yourself. If you have that kid we're over, Libby. You decide!" Boby ultimatumed.
Boby walked off.
"But Boby!. I thought you loved me!. You said you wanted to be with me forever!. How can you just give up on us so easily?" Libby pleaded calling after him on the verge of tears.
Boby continued walking off
"Well fine!. Stuff you!. We don't need you anyway!" Libby shouted after him.
She thought to herself and then ran after him. When she caught up with him she spun him round and started shouting at him.
"Did you treat Linda like this when she told you she was pregnant?. Did you?" Libby shouted after him furiously.
Boby stopped and turned.
"You don't get it. Linda didn't matter. We were never together. She meant nothing to me. But with you!. I loved you!. You've mucked up everything up!. We were meant to be together forever. We can't be now" Boby declared.
He walked off again.
As soon as Boby was out of sight Libby burst into tears. She expected him to react badly but not that badly. What was she going to do?. She had to choose between the love of her life and an innocent foetus she had already fallen deeply in love with.
"So what did you do?. How did you change his mind?" Sara asked her mother.
"That's the thing" Libby replied. "Two days later, just out the blue. He came over in floods of tears and with lots of gifts apologising profusely. He said he couldn't bare to lose the love of his life. He said he couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else. And finally he said that not only could he live with bringing up a child but he actually wanted this child. He said there was no one else he'd rather have a child with. He said that he just wished it had been when we were older. Then we agreed it was a plus because it was a fantastic way to annoy our parents!. The one sign of true rebellion against our parents - have an illegimate child" Libby told her.
Sara laughed.
"I don't need to ask how your parents reacted. I can guess!" Sara laughed.
"We didn't decide to leave college until just one month before the new academic year begun. Again our parents weren't best pleased. We run away to a commune and moved in together. We raised you as a family and he was perfectly happy with that then. He doesn't regret having you darling. He loves you very much. He just needed to see you when you were born to understand how much he would love you" Libby explained.
"Of course, along with the apology came a firm refusal to marry me. I explained to him again that that was the last thing I wanted to do and we agreed. We agreed right up until you were five when we decided that we both wanted to get married. Our parents didn't force us and we both agreed that we wanted to do it. You haven't ruined our lives, Sara. We love you and have always wanted you. And they all lived happily ever after. The end" Libby commented.
Sara paused for thought, too it all in and sighed.
"I just don't know what to think anymore, mom. There have been times when I swear he hasn't been faking loving us. But it just doesn't match some of his behaviour" Sara whined.
Libby hugged Sara into her.
"I know darling. I know. I'm confused too" Libby agreed.
Sara thought to herself.
"We can't hurt him or send him to jail anyway. We need his kidney" Sara commented.
"Very true" Libby remembered.
"So we do nothing again?" Daven asked.
Libby put an arm round both Sara & Daven and they lay their heads on her shoulders.
"I'm sorry love but basically - yeah!" Libby replied to his question.
Daven and Libby stayed up with Sara all that night. Even the next day they didn't attempt to leave her alone until they were convinced she was calm and not going to try to do anything stupid again. Several hours after leaving Daven decided to return. He and Libby agreed that he should live with Sara at least until Alaney had come out of hospital.