'Tick Tock. Tick Tock"
Alaney sat around waiting on Sara's sofa for someone to come in.
Alaney was quietly furious and in a bad mood. For her whole life she had
been lied to by some of her closest friends and her actual family. She
had spent her whole life sitting right beside her natural family and they
never said a word.
Deep down Alaney had always wished that her natural parents were looking
for her. That her dad didn't know she existed and that her mom deeply
regretted giving Alaney up but just couldn't find her. Those hopes were
dashed now she knew the truth. Well, she knew the truth about her mom.
Seeing as she was probably the result of some one night stand (as Alaney
had always been told Sara didn't have a boyfriend till she was 18) then
there was still hope for her dad not knowing her. But for now Alaney
didn't have energy to think about her dad and whether he wanted her. Her
life was in pieces. All she had ever known was a lie. The one person she
had worshipped the most had betrayed. The last person she expected to do
something so cruel as give a baby up had given her up. Alaney couldn't
stop thinking about what how her life would change now. She reflected on
the past - everything everyone has said to her and done. What was lies
and what was the truth?.
Finally at 2pm, Michelle came through the door.
"Your back!. What are you doing here?. I thought you were staying at
Casey's for a few days?. Why are you back?. Have you and Casey had a
fight?" Michelle enquired surprised.
Alaney said nothing. She was too angry with Michelle for knowing all this
time.
"Alaney? Hello? Earth to Alaney?" Michelle said.
Michelle came over and sat by Alaney.
"Are you o.k.?. Oh angel! You've been crying. What's wrong?. Is it your
kidney?. Is it playing up?. Is that why your back?" Michelle asked.
Michelle tried to put an arm around Alaney but Laney shrug her off her.
Alaney stood up and confronted Michelle.
"I came back because I realised Sara isn't a lesbian" Alaney told her.
"Let me explain" Michelle insisted.
"Go on. Tell me the truth. Tell me why she wrote those songs, Michelle.
Surprise me!" Alaney challenged her.
"O.k., Alaney calm down. Umm. You see Alaney, she wrote them about you
because. Well, because" Michelle tried to think up an answer.
"Go on. What lie are you going to invent this time, Michelle?" Alaney
accused her.
Michelle was shocked. What was wrong with Alaney?.
"I know why don't I tell the truth, Michelle!?!" Alaney suggested
angrily.
Alaney got the piece of paper from the table and shoved it in Michelle's
face.
Michelle read it. She couldn't believe Alaney could find out Sara was her
mother this way. Michelle didn't realise it existed. Michelle couldn't
believe Alaney knew. What were they going do?.
After a few moments of speechlessness, Michelle was relieved. This was
brilliant Michelle decided.
"Well, I'm glad you know!. Now you and Sara can get on with your life
together. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you, Alaney. I've always
thought you should know but" Michelle explained.
"Save it Michelle. Your just as bad as her!" Alaney told him disgusted
storming off to her room.
"Wait Alaney - Don't be like that!. Come back and we can discuss it!"
Michelle begged her.
Michelle followed her. She entered Alaney's room to find Alaney had a
suitcase out and was packing.
"What are you doing?!?. Where on earth do you plan to go?. Alaney, wait
stay, listen!. What are you doing?" Michelle exclaimed shocked.
Michelle hadn't expected this scenario.
"What does it look like?. I'm leaving. I'm leaving for good. I've called
Catherine and she said I can stay with her. At least until I sort out
where I'm going to live. I'm not living with Sara, Casey or any of my so-
called family. I didn't tell her what happened. I just said I had a
massive fight with Sara and it was over" Alaney explained.
"Over?. What do you mean over?. She isn't your husband or your boyfriend!
- she's your mother!. You can't just walk out of her life for good. Now
you know who she is you need to start forming a parent and child
relationship. This is the beginning not the end, Alaney!" Michelle
exclaimed.
"Sara isn't my mother and she never will be!. I'm sorry Michelle but if
you were expecting me to play happy families with her then you were
clearly mistaken!. Like I said it's over" Alaney declared.
Alaney stormed out the room, without her bag, to get away from Michelle.
"But why?" Michelle asked
"Why?!?. Because she abandoned me at birth!. Because I was down her road
the whole time and she never even told me the truth!. Because she didn't
even apologise for ruining my life!. Thanks to her my whole life I have
felt unloved, unwanted and unneeded. I mean nothing to anyone in this
world. No one thinks about me at night. No one wishes to be close to me"
Alaney told her.
"Do you really think that?. That is completely untrue, Alaney!. Your
biological family has yearned you since the day you were born and we have
always made you feel welcome and wanted. Your mother has yearned you and
desired to be with you every second of the day since you were born - but
she couldn't. Hence the songs she wrote about you!. Do you know how many
people come up to me and say that they wished someone loved them as much
as the writer of those songs loved that person?. Do you have any idea
just how much she loves you?" Michelle protested.
"Yeah, not at all!" Alaney bite back.
"Have you ever heard of the phrase 'You don't know what you have till
it's gone?'. Yes parents may love their children - but to not have your
child there! - I'd almost go as far as to say she loves you more than any
normal parent loves their child!" Michelle protested.
"Rubbish!. The only person she loves is herself. She's just like her
father!" Alaney declared.
Michelle was gob-smacked that Alaney would say that.
"Take that back!. You know you don't mean it!" Michelle instructed her.
Alaney said nothing. So Michelle continued.
"On top of your family there are your friends!. And there's the many guys
who are infatuated with you!" Michelle reminded her.
"Rubbish! Those blokes just want sex!" Alaney claimed.
"They want you, Alaney!. Your friends and those blokes they want you
because you're amazing!. You have this amazing way of making everyone
feel comfortable around you. You have a amazing compassion for your
friends and even strangers. Which is why it surprises me that your
treating Sara this way!. You're so intelligent!. You say intelligent and
inspirational things!. Your fun, interesting, full of energy and everyone
finds you fascinating. Everyone is infatuated with you, Alaney!. All
Sara's colleagues find you amazing company and think you have an amazing
mind. That weren't that inviting to Sara!" Michelle insisted.
"That's because Sara's a freak. Plus she's self-centred. All she cares
about is herself. I see that now!" Alaney said
Alaney stopped feeling angry and just began crying,
"She used to be my hero. I used to want to be just as clever as her. I
used to want to be just as pretty as her. I used to want to go to the
same college as her, have the same job as her. Be her!. I even wanted to
have her mom!. My dream mom was Libby. Can you believe that?. Libby tried
her best to avoid me. So did Sara. Yet I looked up to these people!. I
was so blind!. Sara is a social misfit with the dress sense of a skunk!.
She's insensitive" Alaney explained too upset to be angry.
"No she's not!. She's really caring, compassionate and sensitive!"
Michelle protested.
Alaney had stopped crying and continued angrily,
"As I was saying - Insensitive!, Self centred!. And did I mention
misfit?. Why would I want to be like her?!?. She's a failure. Why would I
want a mother who's a failure as a human being?!?" Alaney declared.
Alaney paused and calmed down. She becomes less angry and more desperate.
She only cried lightly this time though.
"All Sara cared about was her life. She didn't care that I was a human
being with rights and a life of my own. I don't know why she didn't just
have an abortion! - it would have been more humane to me!" Alaney
expressed.
Alaney became angry again,
"She didn't care about the fact that I was a human being as well as her.
All she cared about was her good reputation, getting to her Ivy League
college and getting her perfect career. If you choose to have sex then
you have to take the consequences - you can't just give them away and
ignore them. It's just a shame she didn't get a STD instead of a baby.
That would have hit her more!. I wish she'd got a STD that made her
infertile - to save the world from her being a mother to anything!"
Alaney shouted.
"What an immature thing to say!. Take that all back. You don't mean it. I
know you don't!" Michelle sobbed.
"The least she could have done was to put me in a normal family.
Preferably a family who would adopt me and never tell me I was adopted so
that I would never grow up feeling abandoned!" Alaney expressed.
Alaney paused and burst into tears.
"The least she could have done was tell me the truth. She could have told
me she didn't want me but tell me out of courteous to save me the time
and energy I've wasted wondering who my real mother was. Nobody seems to
understand I'm a human being!. Everyone just seems to see me as something
that has be locked away and forgotten about. If they ignore me,
hopefully, I'll go away. Well congratulations. I'm going away. I'll never
bother Sara, her parents, or your family again. I will disappear and none
of you will need to hear from me!" Alaney declared.
Alaney stormed into her room and picked up her bag. Alaney was getting
ready to go out her bedroom door when Michelle came in hysterical floods
of tears. Alaney tried to get passed but Michelle cried and cried and
begged her not to go. Michelle wouldn't let her pass. Michelle was
hysterical.
"Please, no we love you!. We all love you! We really do!. We just want
you all to be happy! - You, Sara, the Sidles. Please don't disappear!.
Please!" Michelle begged.
Alaney could tell Michelle was really upset. Michelle wanted her, at
least.
"I'm leaving Sara's. But I'll still make a place for you in my life if
that's what you want" Alaney declared democratically.
Alaney put her suitcase back on the bed and Michelle calmed down.
"Sara loves you a lot, you know. She hasn't just abandoned you!. She made
sure you had money, a loving home, a roof over your head, a loving
community. She made sure you got a private schooling" Michelle told
Alaney.
"What?. I thought Miranda had been the one to get your grandmother to pay
for that" Alaney told Michelle.
Michelle laughed.
"Your joking!. You don't know what the Sidles - Sara especially! - went
through to get you the money for a private school!. Firstly, Sara tricked
the Linton grandparents into paying for it. Then they found out and
refused to pay. No offence but they only like to maintain their family
and they didn't realise you were real family. So the Lintons refused and
it was then that they started checking where the money they gave Libby or
Sara went to. So Sara went along to the Sidle grandparents who she hardly
sees!. She had to blackmail them by saying that their son had ruined her
life by his bullying and treating Libby badly and consequently Sara had
pursued a lifestyle that got her pregnant. So the Sidle grandparents
eventually paid for it. Grandma Linton has never really been able to
trust Sara again. Sara's still one of her favourites but that doesn't
mean Grandma trusts her. So what do you say to that?. Still think Sara
doesn't love you?" Michelle told her.
Alaney thought to herself.
"Sara did those things out of guilt!. And good she should feel guilty!.
But I can't be bought by money!" Alaney declared.
"Al" Michelle was interrupted.
"Michelle, could you please leave the flat for a few hours. Sara will be
in any minute and I need to speak to her alone, please" Alaney commanded
rather than requested.
Michelle nodded.
"Will you really never forgive, Sara?" Michelle asked worried.
Alaney thought to herself for a while and finally admitted,
"If Sara says sorry for abandoning me and admits she was wrong - then we
might be able to work something out".
This gave Michelle a little hope. She hugged Alaney and left.
Alaney sat on the sofa watching the clock for another hour before Sara
came in. All that time Alaney was deciding what to say, how to feel, how
to react. It was half past three before Sara returned. Alaney turned to
look at the door as she heard the key turn in the lock. Sara smiled as
she saw Alaney. It sent a shiver down Alaney's spine. This was the first
time Alaney had seen Sara face to face since finding out the truth.
Alaney's immediate desire was just to run away. She didn't want to deal
with this. As Sara smiled at her Alaney didn't know what to think
anymore. Did Sara really love her?. How much?. If she loved her then how
could she treat her this way?. Was all Sara did and said just a lie?. Why
pretend to like Alaney if she didn't?. Alaney turned to face away from
Sara again and began to cry. She had been planning to stay strong but
when the time actually came she couldn't help but fall apart.
"Hello stranger. You decided to come home I see" Sara delighted.
Sara came over and saw Alaney was crying. Sara was immediately concerned.
Sara next to her and put an arm around her. Alaney was surprised when she
actually felt the desire to let Sara do this but she fought it and
shrugged Sara off moving away from her. Sara just thought she was
rejecting help.
"What's wrong?. Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?" Sara enquired.
"Yeah because I'm a teenager and that's all we do!. Our whole life is
dating. We just fuck and fight and fuck and fight" Alaney snapped.
"Alaney?!?. It's not like you to use such harsh language!. I never said
that. What's wrong?" Sara asked.
"We don't have the intelligence for anything else because we're young and
we wouldn't understand anything complicated. Isn't that what your teenage
years were like, hey Sara?" Alaney shouted.
"Ermm, no. My life tended to be study. What are you going on about?. I
know you're really clever. And I know there's more to your life than your
boyfriend. I just assumed that it was a fight. I'm sorry. What's wrong?"
Sara asked.
"In the real word there's more to life than fucking and fighting" Alaney
commented angrily.
"Alaney, stop saying that word" Sara demanded sternly.
"Don't talk to me like you're my mother!. Because your not!" Alaney
shouted.
"Well someone needs to keep you in shape!" Sara remarked.
"Miranda did a brilliant job thank you very much. So don't insult her!"
Alaney shouted.
"I wasn't" Sara defended.
"Yeah, where was I. Oh yeah!. In the real world there's more to life than
fucking and fighting. Because fucking has consequences, Sara!" Alaney
reminded her.
Sara came to her own conclusion.
"Oh my goodness!. Your pregnant aren't you?. Oh my God!. Shit!" Sara
reacted.
"Don't swear, Sara!" Alaney remarked sarcastically.
"What are going to do?" Sara asked worried.
"If I were pregnant what would you suggest I do, Sara?. Hey?. Any
suggestions?" Alaney asked.
"How could you let this happen, Alaney?. Sex isn't just all fun and games
- there are consequences!" Sara lectured her.
"That's what I just said!" Alaney shouted.
"It's a bit late to realise that!. This is a human life you've created,
Alaney!. A human being!. Whatever decision you take it can't be taken
lightly. I can't believe this!. Either you've got to kill it or your
going to ruin its life. How are you going to support it, Alaney?. Hey?.
Did you think about that when you weren't taking precautions?" Sara
shouted.
"How can you be such a hypocrite?!?" Alaney shouted.
"What?" Sara asked not understanding.
"Sara, my parents abandoned me at birth. I don't know my natural
parents!. Throughout my whole life I have been followed by a shadow of
feeling unwanted, unloved and un needed. Do you honestly think that I
wouldn't think about the rights and feelings of an unwanted child?!?"
Alaney reminded her.
"Of course, I'm sorry" Sara apologised calmer.
Sara put a hand on Alaney's shoulder.
"Look don't worry I'll support you finically and we'll raise this child
together if you want to keep it. I'm sorry. I was just angry. I thought
you might not have considered the implications. It could have just as
easily happened to me at your age. Sometimes accidents happen even when
you take precautions, right?. I understand. I don't know much about
raising babies or children but we'll learn together O.K.?. We can do
this" Sara told her.
"I'm not pregnant" Alaney admitted.
"Alaney, there's no point lying to me" Sara tried to persuade her.
"It's true" Alaney reiterated.
"So what was all that about?" Sara asked.
Alaney remained silent.
"Well, I'm sorry but I have to say I'm glad you're not pregnant. You gave
me the fright of my life then!" Sara declared.
"I bet I did. De ja vu?" Alaney snapped.
Sara thought to herself. What on earth could Alaney mean?. Then Sara
realised.
"Oh of course!. My mom was about your age when she had me. Definitely a
good example. She was a really clever girl. She got straight A's in high
school and at university. But when it came to motherhood she just
couldn't do it. It took many years and many social services threats until
she became a good enough mom. She was just too young. She's 51 now and
she's suddenly realised how much of her youth she's lost by having me so
young. She's 51 but she still feels 19. She feels like her life's just
slipped away in the blink of an eye. She has no degree and she turned
into the one thing she never wanted to be - a housewife. Of course my dad
does a lot of housework too - but that's not the point" Sara explained.
"So what? You think she should have given you away?. Do you really think
your life would have been happier then?. Because let me tell you from
personal experience how lucky you are that your natural parents kept
you!. You have a family!" Alaney accused.
Alaney paused and began crying quote heavily but silently.
"You have the most amazing mother in the world!. Loads of people would
kill to have your mother and all you ever do is complain about her!. She
loves you with every single waking breath. And she spends every single
waking breath of her life trying to make you happy!. Comforting you,
singing to you, entertaining you, looking for stuff to make you, etcetera
- the list goes on!. And yeah there were a few teething problems in the
early years but get over it!. You weren't seriously injured or died or
anything!" Alaney sobbed angrily.
"Calm down, Laney. I'm not the enemy!" Sara calmed her.
"Don't call me Laney!" Alaney snapped.
"Your mother made you her whole life!. Do you realise how lucky you are
to have a mother like that?. And I got nothing!. There was no one in my
life who even resembled a mother!. Miranda was great and I'm not blaming
her but she was never mother material. If I fell over Miranda would get
a band-aid and put it on my knee - full stop. No comforting words, no
kisses on the forehead, no wiping away my tears. She gave me plasters
like they were a bowl of cereal. She didn't realise that kids needed to
be comforted. She didn't have that in her. So don't you dare try and
complain about how terrible your mother's neglecting you was. You seem to
have done pretty well to me" Alaney explained.
"I'm sorry" Sara apologised.
After a while of silence Sara put an hand on Laney's shoulder and asked,
"So if your not pregnant, why are you crying?" Sara asked concerned.
"Are you feeling ill from the transplant?. Because it's o.k. to cry if
you feel ill. You go for it. I'm here for you" Sara suggested.
Alaney said nothing.
"Do you want me to make you some hot cocoa?. That used to make you feel
better when you were younger" Sara suggested.
"How would you know?" Alaney snapped coldly.
Sara was taken aback.
"How about another hot drink?" Sara asked kindly.
"Nope" Alaney replied coldly ad angrily.
"Have you had lunch?" Sara asked.
"No" Alaney replied.
"How about I make you some? What would you like?" Sara asked.
"Nothing. I'm not hungry" Alaney told her flippantly.
"You must be - it's nearly four in the afternoon!" Sara declared.
Alaney was silent just sitting in her furious mood.
"Alaney, if your trying to avoid food again!. I won't let you have an
eating disorder. I thought you'd stopped this!" Sara accused her.
Sara sighed.
"Do you need to go to a proper clinic?. Is the counselling not enough?"
Sara asked worried.
"I said I am not hungry!. That doesn't mean I'm anorexic!. I just happen
to feel nauseous!" Alaney shouted and stormed off into her room.
Sara thought about going after her but decided it was best to let Alaney
cool off. Alaney came out minutes later pulling her suitcase along. Sara
laughed and didn't take it seriously.
"What are you doing?. Oh put that down, you silly thing!. There's no need
to over react, Laney!" Sara laughed flippantly.
Alaney carried on going. Sara went over and stopped her.
"Wait! Wait!. O.k. I'm sorry. I should have trusted you when you said you
didn't have an eating disorder anymore. I'm sorry if I insulted you" Sara
gestured.
Alaney stopped and began crying.
"It isn't that" Alaney told her.
Alaney looked over towards the table where Michelle had placed the piece
of paper down. Alaney gestured Sara to go over and look at it. Sara was
confused but went over. She picked up the piece of paper and read it. As
soon as she saw it she knew what it was. And lo and behold her name and
signature was down on the bottom of the page as Alaney's mother. Sara's
eyes widened like in a cartoon. She didn't need to read on. She knew that
Alaney knew. Sara couldn't quite believe this was happening. How was she
ever going to look Alaney in the face again?. Sara had to sit down. She
wasn't sure if her legs could take it anymore. She put her hands in her
face stressing. Her head just seemed to spin round and round with
thoughts. Sara couldn't believe Alaney knew. Eventually, Sara got
together the courage to go back over to Alaney's annoyed face. When Sara
got to her she couldn't help but burst out crying. Sara wasn't sure quite
what to say.
"Laney" she blurted out desperately not sure what to say.
"Save your explanations!" Alaney declared and began to leave.
"Please stay let me make it up to you. We can start again" Sara begged.
"It's too late!. It's 18 years too late!" Alaney shouted.
"Where are you planning to go?" Sara asked sobbing.
"I called Catherine. She said I could stay. Don't worry I didn't tell her
about you. I just said we'd had a fight" Alaney informed her.
"It doesn't matter. She already knows" Sara admitted ashamed.
"What?!?. Does everyone know except me?. Who else knows?" Alaney asked.
"Just Catherine and some of our family. I had to tell someone!" Sara
admitted.
"Ah poor little slutty Sara!. Oh and by the way they are not 'our'
family. I am nothing to do with you guys. Biology doesn't make a family!"
Alaney told her.
Alaney began to head to the door with her suitcase but Sara tried to pull
her back away from the door.
"No please don't go!. I love you!. I really do!. I promise you!. I need
you!" Sara protested.
"You don't give a stuff about me!" Alaney sobbed as the tears multiplied.
"That's not true, Alaney!" Sara insisted.
Alaney put her bag down, turned and began having a go at Sara.
"Shut up!. Just shut up!. I've had enough of all your lies!. It's my time
to talk!. I have a few things to say to you missy. Firstly, do you have
any idea how it felt to be told that Boby Sidle was my father when he
wasn't?!?. Of all the people in the world to choose you had to lie that
it was him!. He's an absolute pig!. He is the only person who I would
hate to be my parent more than you!" Alaney cried.
"I'm sorry" Sara sobbed.
"Secondly, I think someone needs to sit you down and get you to face the
fact that I am a human being too, Sara!. You think the whole world
revolves around you. You think if you get rid of me and ignore me then
I'll just go away like magic!. But I have feelings too, Sara!. Do you
have any idea of psychological damage it did to me being abandoned?. You
didn't care about me. You just wanted to get rid of me!" Alaney accused
her.
"Alaney you don't understand" Sara insisted.
"Yes because the whole world revolves around you, Sara. Poor little
Sara!. She couldn't cope!. Well what about poor Alaney?. The innocent
newborn who couldn't fend for herself?. Poor little Sara shouldn't have
been such a slut to get herself pregnant at fourteen!. Poor little Sara
shouldn't have been so stupid!" Alaney shouted.
"It's not that simple" Sara sobbed.
"Oh sorry, isn't it?. You tell me about how complicated it is then Sara.
Go on!" Alaney told her angrily.
"My generation is different to yours" Sara insisted.
"Oh here we go!. Well there's only fourteen years between us - it can't
have been that different!" Alaney snapped.
"Things like contraception, teenage pregnancy weren't talked about!. I
didn't even think you could get pregnant your first time!" Sara claimed.
"Rubbish!" Alaney exclaimed.
"And frankly Sara, if you didn't understand the consequences then you
shouldn't have had sex" Alaney added.
"I know that but I was young" Sara insisted.
"Well, if you were old enough to have sex!" Alaney shouted.
"I'm sorry I made a mistake. I just made one mistake and I've been paying
for it for the rest of my life. Everyone makes mistakes. Can't you
forgive me for making one little mistake?" Sara asked.
"It wasn't a little mistake!. It ruined my life!" Alaney exclaimed.
"Look it's not my fault!. Loads of girls have sex at that age and don't
get pregnant!. Plus I have an excuse - I came from a screwed up
background!" Sara insisted.
"Your not even going to take responsibility for it!" Alaney was
astounded.
"It wasn't my fault I got pregnant!" Sara insisted.
"Who's fault was it then?!?" Alaney screamed at Sara in angry.
Sara thought to herself. She didn't want Alaney to know the truth. Alaney
hadn't even considered it for some reason. Maybe it was too hard to
consider.
"O.k. I'm sorry!" Sara exclaimed.
"Sorry for what?. For giving me up?" Alaney asked accusationally.
Sara froze. She couldn't lie again. Alaney realised.
"Your not even sorry for that are you?. After all this time. After all
the pain you've seen it cause me. Your not even sorry!" Alaney exclaimed
hurt and shocked.
"Alaney, I did it for you" Sara sobbed.
"I can't believe you!. Can you honestly say you did it for me?" Alaney
shouted.
Sara looked down in shame.
"Partly" Sara told her.
"Look I was young!" Sara insisted.
"Stop saying that!!" Alaney screamed furious at her.
Alaney calmed a bit to say,
"Admit it. You just wanted to get rid of me".
"Alaney listen" Sara pleaded.
"Just admit it!!!!" Alaney screamed furious at her.
Alaney calmed.
"For once in your life, just tell me the truth!. Did you or did you not
just want to get rid of me to anyone?" Alaney begged.
"I wanted you to be safe. I wouldn't just give you to anyone!" Sara
insisted.
"But Miranda!. The least you could have done was given me to a loving
family" Alaney suggested.
"If I'd put you in care then you wouldn't necessarily be safe. You hear
all these horror stories. I knew Miranda wouldn't hurt you. I could trust
her" Sara told Alaney.
"Oh yeah? And do you think I was safe with the person intend on killing
me, your dad, living a few hundred yards from me?!?" Alaney responded
Alaney saying this shocked Sara. Sara didn't quite know what to say. So
she just began crying.
"I didn't realise at the time it was going to try to kill you!. But
that's another thing!. Alaney I couldn't have kept you!. My house isn't
safe to grow up in. Goodness knows what my dad would have done to you
growing up. My parents wouldn't even let me keep you in their house" Sara
explained.
"Move out" Alaney suggested angrily.
"At fourteen!. How do you suggest I get a place? Support you financially?
- Get a job at a burger bar?. Do you really think I could support you on
that wage?. I even practically look after you all by myself!. I wouldn't
even have anyone to ask how to bring you up. People who raise kids at 14
have their parents or some thing to turn to!" Sara exclaimed defensively.
"Well you should have thought about that before you got jiggy!. It's not
my fault you're a slut!" Alaney shouted.
"Oigh I'm not a slut!. Stop saying that!. Yeah o.k. we've covered the
fact I shouldn't have done it at 13 and I admit that!. I'm sorry!. I made
a mistake!" Sara told her.
"But once faced with the consequences you didn't care about me. I was an
inconvenience. You were too selfish to consider about my feelings. All
you cared about was getting to your precious Ivy League college and
finding your perfect little job. When faced with the decision between
your daughter and your career you chose your career!" Alaney accused her.
"Alaney, you don't understand. I didn't deserve to get pregnant!. I had
my whole life planned out. You didn't deserve to be brought up by a
teenage mother in poverty either. What do you expect me to have done?.
Become a prostitute to support you?" Sara asked.
"You were halfway there!" Alaney remarked.
"That is low, Alaney!. Listen, I admit I didn't fully consider you. But I
promise you I did it for both of us. I did consider your protection. I
loved you and I love you now" Sara explained.
Alaney didn't know what to say. She wanted to believe Sara but Sara had
lied too much. Instead she just remained silent and looked away.
Sara began sobbing again.
"You think it's been easy for me not having you in my life?. It was so
hard for me to sit by and watch Miranda raise you. All I wanted to do was
announce to both you and the world that you were mine!. I was desperate
to scoop you up in arms and take you home and raise you myself. I loved
you so much!. But once I got old enough to understand I realised that I
couldn't tell you the truth because it wasn't fair to you. Miranda was
your family then" Sara explained.
Sara paused.
"I love you but sometimes love isn't enough to raise a child. When my mom
had me she didn't have a clue how to raise a baby. She thought that 'all
you need is love'. One day when I was about three or four this social
worker once said 'Madam I can tell you love this child with all your
heart - but sometimes love alone isn't enough'. I loved you Alaney but
loving you wasn't enough to raise you. My mom struggled to raise me at
nineteen with my dad's help, so how on earth was I meant to raise you by
myself at fourteen?. Straight A student or not" Sara explained.
"How do I know your not lying?. I don't know if I can trust what you say
anymore, Sara!. You kept lying and lying to me over and over again"
Alaney told her desperately.
Alaney went over to the sofa and sat down. She felt weak in the knees
again. Sara sighed and came over. She continued her narrative,
"I never felt worthy to have anymore children after you. I knew I'd
failed you. I felt so ashamed. I felt so guilty!. I avoided children. I
mean there were the children in camp cuckoo and I always had a place in
my heart for them - but when they were children I didn't really attach to
them. It wasn't till Michelle was older that I became close to her. I
just couldn't face children" Sara explained.
Alaney began crying.
"That's a nice little narrative, Sara. I'd really like to believe you but I know you too well. You're a pathological liar. Do you know what I think?. I think, truthfully, the reason you're not good with children is because of the same reason you got rid of me - because you don't like children!. So don't try and put the guilt on my shoulders" Alaney responded.
Alaney went over and picked up her suitcase.
"You've been desperate for me to disappear since the day I was born. Well congratulations I won't bug you and your precious life anymore!. I hate you and I can never forgive you for abandoning me. I can never forgive you for ruining my life. I'm glad I know though because now I can get on with my life and mature into an adult. I used to think I'd never have a family unless I found my natural parents. But today I realised that I can go out and make my own family. I can make up for the mistakes you made. I will have a true family. Biology doesn't make a family - it just helps to get one together. And by the way, when I was in hospital and I told you you would make a good mom - yeah well, I take that back. Promise me you will never curse another kid by giving birth to them!. You couldn't raise a peanut let alone a child. Your too self centred to share your life with another human being" Alaney told her.
Something in Sara just made her give up and stop fighting it. She reasoned in her head that she had nothing to feel sorry for and nothing to regret because it wasn't her fault. She was raped after all. She owed that ungrateful brat nothing. It wasn't her fault. She was tired of Alaney blaming her and shouting at her. Alaney had been a nuisance to Sara's life since the day she was born. Sara did just want her to disappear!. Furthermore Alaney was a constant reminder of that night. Why did Sara ever want her to stay?. If Alaney 'disappeared' then it would all be over. Simple. Sara decided that the only thing she wanted in the world now was for that ungrateful brat to 'disappear' forever.
"You know what Alaney. If you want to go then go!. Frankly I haven't got time in my life for your whingeing or sponging off me. You're absolutely right. I would like nothing more than for you to 'disappear'. So here's the door. Go away and I never want to see your whingeing face again!" Sara shouted.
Sara begun to shove Alaney out the door and then slammed it. Alaney was gob smacked. She couldn't believe that Sara said that. She had never hated Sara as much as she did now. It had been confirmed to Alaney that Sara didn't care about her. It had all been lies.
Once Sara slammed the door she went over to the sofa, sat down and began crying. She realised immediately that she didn't mean it. She run over to the door and opened it but Alaney was gone. Sara took the lift down and got outside just as Alaney's cab was going off. It was too late.
When Sara got back to the flat she just sat sobbing on the sofa. She couldn't believe she'd said that stuff!. She couldn't believe she'd even thought it. It wasn't Alaney's fault she didn't know. Of course Alaney would react that way because she thought it was Sara's fault!. Sara just didn't want Alaney to know the truth. Sara was ashamed and she didn't know what Alaney would do about the news. She suspected she'd do something stupid.
Sara got up and walked over to her phone. Tearfully she dialled her mother's cell phone. It was the only way she could ensure she got her mom and not her dad. Libby had never been too keen on the idea of having a cell phone but Sara had given her one as a birthday present and insisted she kept it on so Libby was contactable. Libby had actually found it rather useful in some ways but would never admit that to Sara. Sara rung her mom. Sara told her mom that Alaney knew and confessed to her mom that she'd made a major mistake by turning Alaney away. They spoke on the phone for over two hours.
Alaney sat around waiting on Sara's sofa for someone to come in.
Alaney was quietly furious and in a bad mood. For her whole life she had
been lied to by some of her closest friends and her actual family. She
had spent her whole life sitting right beside her natural family and they
never said a word.
Deep down Alaney had always wished that her natural parents were looking
for her. That her dad didn't know she existed and that her mom deeply
regretted giving Alaney up but just couldn't find her. Those hopes were
dashed now she knew the truth. Well, she knew the truth about her mom.
Seeing as she was probably the result of some one night stand (as Alaney
had always been told Sara didn't have a boyfriend till she was 18) then
there was still hope for her dad not knowing her. But for now Alaney
didn't have energy to think about her dad and whether he wanted her. Her
life was in pieces. All she had ever known was a lie. The one person she
had worshipped the most had betrayed. The last person she expected to do
something so cruel as give a baby up had given her up. Alaney couldn't
stop thinking about what how her life would change now. She reflected on
the past - everything everyone has said to her and done. What was lies
and what was the truth?.
Finally at 2pm, Michelle came through the door.
"Your back!. What are you doing here?. I thought you were staying at
Casey's for a few days?. Why are you back?. Have you and Casey had a
fight?" Michelle enquired surprised.
Alaney said nothing. She was too angry with Michelle for knowing all this
time.
"Alaney? Hello? Earth to Alaney?" Michelle said.
Michelle came over and sat by Alaney.
"Are you o.k.?. Oh angel! You've been crying. What's wrong?. Is it your
kidney?. Is it playing up?. Is that why your back?" Michelle asked.
Michelle tried to put an arm around Alaney but Laney shrug her off her.
Alaney stood up and confronted Michelle.
"I came back because I realised Sara isn't a lesbian" Alaney told her.
"Let me explain" Michelle insisted.
"Go on. Tell me the truth. Tell me why she wrote those songs, Michelle.
Surprise me!" Alaney challenged her.
"O.k., Alaney calm down. Umm. You see Alaney, she wrote them about you
because. Well, because" Michelle tried to think up an answer.
"Go on. What lie are you going to invent this time, Michelle?" Alaney
accused her.
Michelle was shocked. What was wrong with Alaney?.
"I know why don't I tell the truth, Michelle!?!" Alaney suggested
angrily.
Alaney got the piece of paper from the table and shoved it in Michelle's
face.
Michelle read it. She couldn't believe Alaney could find out Sara was her
mother this way. Michelle didn't realise it existed. Michelle couldn't
believe Alaney knew. What were they going do?.
After a few moments of speechlessness, Michelle was relieved. This was
brilliant Michelle decided.
"Well, I'm glad you know!. Now you and Sara can get on with your life
together. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you, Alaney. I've always
thought you should know but" Michelle explained.
"Save it Michelle. Your just as bad as her!" Alaney told him disgusted
storming off to her room.
"Wait Alaney - Don't be like that!. Come back and we can discuss it!"
Michelle begged her.
Michelle followed her. She entered Alaney's room to find Alaney had a
suitcase out and was packing.
"What are you doing?!?. Where on earth do you plan to go?. Alaney, wait
stay, listen!. What are you doing?" Michelle exclaimed shocked.
Michelle hadn't expected this scenario.
"What does it look like?. I'm leaving. I'm leaving for good. I've called
Catherine and she said I can stay with her. At least until I sort out
where I'm going to live. I'm not living with Sara, Casey or any of my so-
called family. I didn't tell her what happened. I just said I had a
massive fight with Sara and it was over" Alaney explained.
"Over?. What do you mean over?. She isn't your husband or your boyfriend!
- she's your mother!. You can't just walk out of her life for good. Now
you know who she is you need to start forming a parent and child
relationship. This is the beginning not the end, Alaney!" Michelle
exclaimed.
"Sara isn't my mother and she never will be!. I'm sorry Michelle but if
you were expecting me to play happy families with her then you were
clearly mistaken!. Like I said it's over" Alaney declared.
Alaney stormed out the room, without her bag, to get away from Michelle.
"But why?" Michelle asked
"Why?!?. Because she abandoned me at birth!. Because I was down her road
the whole time and she never even told me the truth!. Because she didn't
even apologise for ruining my life!. Thanks to her my whole life I have
felt unloved, unwanted and unneeded. I mean nothing to anyone in this
world. No one thinks about me at night. No one wishes to be close to me"
Alaney told her.
"Do you really think that?. That is completely untrue, Alaney!. Your
biological family has yearned you since the day you were born and we have
always made you feel welcome and wanted. Your mother has yearned you and
desired to be with you every second of the day since you were born - but
she couldn't. Hence the songs she wrote about you!. Do you know how many
people come up to me and say that they wished someone loved them as much
as the writer of those songs loved that person?. Do you have any idea
just how much she loves you?" Michelle protested.
"Yeah, not at all!" Alaney bite back.
"Have you ever heard of the phrase 'You don't know what you have till
it's gone?'. Yes parents may love their children - but to not have your
child there! - I'd almost go as far as to say she loves you more than any
normal parent loves their child!" Michelle protested.
"Rubbish!. The only person she loves is herself. She's just like her
father!" Alaney declared.
Michelle was gob-smacked that Alaney would say that.
"Take that back!. You know you don't mean it!" Michelle instructed her.
Alaney said nothing. So Michelle continued.
"On top of your family there are your friends!. And there's the many guys
who are infatuated with you!" Michelle reminded her.
"Rubbish! Those blokes just want sex!" Alaney claimed.
"They want you, Alaney!. Your friends and those blokes they want you
because you're amazing!. You have this amazing way of making everyone
feel comfortable around you. You have a amazing compassion for your
friends and even strangers. Which is why it surprises me that your
treating Sara this way!. You're so intelligent!. You say intelligent and
inspirational things!. Your fun, interesting, full of energy and everyone
finds you fascinating. Everyone is infatuated with you, Alaney!. All
Sara's colleagues find you amazing company and think you have an amazing
mind. That weren't that inviting to Sara!" Michelle insisted.
"That's because Sara's a freak. Plus she's self-centred. All she cares
about is herself. I see that now!" Alaney said
Alaney stopped feeling angry and just began crying,
"She used to be my hero. I used to want to be just as clever as her. I
used to want to be just as pretty as her. I used to want to go to the
same college as her, have the same job as her. Be her!. I even wanted to
have her mom!. My dream mom was Libby. Can you believe that?. Libby tried
her best to avoid me. So did Sara. Yet I looked up to these people!. I
was so blind!. Sara is a social misfit with the dress sense of a skunk!.
She's insensitive" Alaney explained too upset to be angry.
"No she's not!. She's really caring, compassionate and sensitive!"
Michelle protested.
Alaney had stopped crying and continued angrily,
"As I was saying - Insensitive!, Self centred!. And did I mention
misfit?. Why would I want to be like her?!?. She's a failure. Why would I
want a mother who's a failure as a human being?!?" Alaney declared.
Alaney paused and calmed down. She becomes less angry and more desperate.
She only cried lightly this time though.
"All Sara cared about was her life. She didn't care that I was a human
being with rights and a life of my own. I don't know why she didn't just
have an abortion! - it would have been more humane to me!" Alaney
expressed.
Alaney became angry again,
"She didn't care about the fact that I was a human being as well as her.
All she cared about was her good reputation, getting to her Ivy League
college and getting her perfect career. If you choose to have sex then
you have to take the consequences - you can't just give them away and
ignore them. It's just a shame she didn't get a STD instead of a baby.
That would have hit her more!. I wish she'd got a STD that made her
infertile - to save the world from her being a mother to anything!"
Alaney shouted.
"What an immature thing to say!. Take that all back. You don't mean it. I
know you don't!" Michelle sobbed.
"The least she could have done was to put me in a normal family.
Preferably a family who would adopt me and never tell me I was adopted so
that I would never grow up feeling abandoned!" Alaney expressed.
Alaney paused and burst into tears.
"The least she could have done was tell me the truth. She could have told
me she didn't want me but tell me out of courteous to save me the time
and energy I've wasted wondering who my real mother was. Nobody seems to
understand I'm a human being!. Everyone just seems to see me as something
that has be locked away and forgotten about. If they ignore me,
hopefully, I'll go away. Well congratulations. I'm going away. I'll never
bother Sara, her parents, or your family again. I will disappear and none
of you will need to hear from me!" Alaney declared.
Alaney stormed into her room and picked up her bag. Alaney was getting
ready to go out her bedroom door when Michelle came in hysterical floods
of tears. Alaney tried to get passed but Michelle cried and cried and
begged her not to go. Michelle wouldn't let her pass. Michelle was
hysterical.
"Please, no we love you!. We all love you! We really do!. We just want
you all to be happy! - You, Sara, the Sidles. Please don't disappear!.
Please!" Michelle begged.
Alaney could tell Michelle was really upset. Michelle wanted her, at
least.
"I'm leaving Sara's. But I'll still make a place for you in my life if
that's what you want" Alaney declared democratically.
Alaney put her suitcase back on the bed and Michelle calmed down.
"Sara loves you a lot, you know. She hasn't just abandoned you!. She made
sure you had money, a loving home, a roof over your head, a loving
community. She made sure you got a private schooling" Michelle told
Alaney.
"What?. I thought Miranda had been the one to get your grandmother to pay
for that" Alaney told Michelle.
Michelle laughed.
"Your joking!. You don't know what the Sidles - Sara especially! - went
through to get you the money for a private school!. Firstly, Sara tricked
the Linton grandparents into paying for it. Then they found out and
refused to pay. No offence but they only like to maintain their family
and they didn't realise you were real family. So the Lintons refused and
it was then that they started checking where the money they gave Libby or
Sara went to. So Sara went along to the Sidle grandparents who she hardly
sees!. She had to blackmail them by saying that their son had ruined her
life by his bullying and treating Libby badly and consequently Sara had
pursued a lifestyle that got her pregnant. So the Sidle grandparents
eventually paid for it. Grandma Linton has never really been able to
trust Sara again. Sara's still one of her favourites but that doesn't
mean Grandma trusts her. So what do you say to that?. Still think Sara
doesn't love you?" Michelle told her.
Alaney thought to herself.
"Sara did those things out of guilt!. And good she should feel guilty!.
But I can't be bought by money!" Alaney declared.
"Al" Michelle was interrupted.
"Michelle, could you please leave the flat for a few hours. Sara will be
in any minute and I need to speak to her alone, please" Alaney commanded
rather than requested.
Michelle nodded.
"Will you really never forgive, Sara?" Michelle asked worried.
Alaney thought to herself for a while and finally admitted,
"If Sara says sorry for abandoning me and admits she was wrong - then we
might be able to work something out".
This gave Michelle a little hope. She hugged Alaney and left.
Alaney sat on the sofa watching the clock for another hour before Sara
came in. All that time Alaney was deciding what to say, how to feel, how
to react. It was half past three before Sara returned. Alaney turned to
look at the door as she heard the key turn in the lock. Sara smiled as
she saw Alaney. It sent a shiver down Alaney's spine. This was the first
time Alaney had seen Sara face to face since finding out the truth.
Alaney's immediate desire was just to run away. She didn't want to deal
with this. As Sara smiled at her Alaney didn't know what to think
anymore. Did Sara really love her?. How much?. If she loved her then how
could she treat her this way?. Was all Sara did and said just a lie?. Why
pretend to like Alaney if she didn't?. Alaney turned to face away from
Sara again and began to cry. She had been planning to stay strong but
when the time actually came she couldn't help but fall apart.
"Hello stranger. You decided to come home I see" Sara delighted.
Sara came over and saw Alaney was crying. Sara was immediately concerned.
Sara next to her and put an arm around her. Alaney was surprised when she
actually felt the desire to let Sara do this but she fought it and
shrugged Sara off moving away from her. Sara just thought she was
rejecting help.
"What's wrong?. Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?" Sara enquired.
"Yeah because I'm a teenager and that's all we do!. Our whole life is
dating. We just fuck and fight and fuck and fight" Alaney snapped.
"Alaney?!?. It's not like you to use such harsh language!. I never said
that. What's wrong?" Sara asked.
"We don't have the intelligence for anything else because we're young and
we wouldn't understand anything complicated. Isn't that what your teenage
years were like, hey Sara?" Alaney shouted.
"Ermm, no. My life tended to be study. What are you going on about?. I
know you're really clever. And I know there's more to your life than your
boyfriend. I just assumed that it was a fight. I'm sorry. What's wrong?"
Sara asked.
"In the real word there's more to life than fucking and fighting" Alaney
commented angrily.
"Alaney, stop saying that word" Sara demanded sternly.
"Don't talk to me like you're my mother!. Because your not!" Alaney
shouted.
"Well someone needs to keep you in shape!" Sara remarked.
"Miranda did a brilliant job thank you very much. So don't insult her!"
Alaney shouted.
"I wasn't" Sara defended.
"Yeah, where was I. Oh yeah!. In the real world there's more to life than
fucking and fighting. Because fucking has consequences, Sara!" Alaney
reminded her.
Sara came to her own conclusion.
"Oh my goodness!. Your pregnant aren't you?. Oh my God!. Shit!" Sara
reacted.
"Don't swear, Sara!" Alaney remarked sarcastically.
"What are going to do?" Sara asked worried.
"If I were pregnant what would you suggest I do, Sara?. Hey?. Any
suggestions?" Alaney asked.
"How could you let this happen, Alaney?. Sex isn't just all fun and games
- there are consequences!" Sara lectured her.
"That's what I just said!" Alaney shouted.
"It's a bit late to realise that!. This is a human life you've created,
Alaney!. A human being!. Whatever decision you take it can't be taken
lightly. I can't believe this!. Either you've got to kill it or your
going to ruin its life. How are you going to support it, Alaney?. Hey?.
Did you think about that when you weren't taking precautions?" Sara
shouted.
"How can you be such a hypocrite?!?" Alaney shouted.
"What?" Sara asked not understanding.
"Sara, my parents abandoned me at birth. I don't know my natural
parents!. Throughout my whole life I have been followed by a shadow of
feeling unwanted, unloved and un needed. Do you honestly think that I
wouldn't think about the rights and feelings of an unwanted child?!?"
Alaney reminded her.
"Of course, I'm sorry" Sara apologised calmer.
Sara put a hand on Alaney's shoulder.
"Look don't worry I'll support you finically and we'll raise this child
together if you want to keep it. I'm sorry. I was just angry. I thought
you might not have considered the implications. It could have just as
easily happened to me at your age. Sometimes accidents happen even when
you take precautions, right?. I understand. I don't know much about
raising babies or children but we'll learn together O.K.?. We can do
this" Sara told her.
"I'm not pregnant" Alaney admitted.
"Alaney, there's no point lying to me" Sara tried to persuade her.
"It's true" Alaney reiterated.
"So what was all that about?" Sara asked.
Alaney remained silent.
"Well, I'm sorry but I have to say I'm glad you're not pregnant. You gave
me the fright of my life then!" Sara declared.
"I bet I did. De ja vu?" Alaney snapped.
Sara thought to herself. What on earth could Alaney mean?. Then Sara
realised.
"Oh of course!. My mom was about your age when she had me. Definitely a
good example. She was a really clever girl. She got straight A's in high
school and at university. But when it came to motherhood she just
couldn't do it. It took many years and many social services threats until
she became a good enough mom. She was just too young. She's 51 now and
she's suddenly realised how much of her youth she's lost by having me so
young. She's 51 but she still feels 19. She feels like her life's just
slipped away in the blink of an eye. She has no degree and she turned
into the one thing she never wanted to be - a housewife. Of course my dad
does a lot of housework too - but that's not the point" Sara explained.
"So what? You think she should have given you away?. Do you really think
your life would have been happier then?. Because let me tell you from
personal experience how lucky you are that your natural parents kept
you!. You have a family!" Alaney accused.
Alaney paused and began crying quote heavily but silently.
"You have the most amazing mother in the world!. Loads of people would
kill to have your mother and all you ever do is complain about her!. She
loves you with every single waking breath. And she spends every single
waking breath of her life trying to make you happy!. Comforting you,
singing to you, entertaining you, looking for stuff to make you, etcetera
- the list goes on!. And yeah there were a few teething problems in the
early years but get over it!. You weren't seriously injured or died or
anything!" Alaney sobbed angrily.
"Calm down, Laney. I'm not the enemy!" Sara calmed her.
"Don't call me Laney!" Alaney snapped.
"Your mother made you her whole life!. Do you realise how lucky you are
to have a mother like that?. And I got nothing!. There was no one in my
life who even resembled a mother!. Miranda was great and I'm not blaming
her but she was never mother material. If I fell over Miranda would get
a band-aid and put it on my knee - full stop. No comforting words, no
kisses on the forehead, no wiping away my tears. She gave me plasters
like they were a bowl of cereal. She didn't realise that kids needed to
be comforted. She didn't have that in her. So don't you dare try and
complain about how terrible your mother's neglecting you was. You seem to
have done pretty well to me" Alaney explained.
"I'm sorry" Sara apologised.
After a while of silence Sara put an hand on Laney's shoulder and asked,
"So if your not pregnant, why are you crying?" Sara asked concerned.
"Are you feeling ill from the transplant?. Because it's o.k. to cry if
you feel ill. You go for it. I'm here for you" Sara suggested.
Alaney said nothing.
"Do you want me to make you some hot cocoa?. That used to make you feel
better when you were younger" Sara suggested.
"How would you know?" Alaney snapped coldly.
Sara was taken aback.
"How about another hot drink?" Sara asked kindly.
"Nope" Alaney replied coldly ad angrily.
"Have you had lunch?" Sara asked.
"No" Alaney replied.
"How about I make you some? What would you like?" Sara asked.
"Nothing. I'm not hungry" Alaney told her flippantly.
"You must be - it's nearly four in the afternoon!" Sara declared.
Alaney was silent just sitting in her furious mood.
"Alaney, if your trying to avoid food again!. I won't let you have an
eating disorder. I thought you'd stopped this!" Sara accused her.
Sara sighed.
"Do you need to go to a proper clinic?. Is the counselling not enough?"
Sara asked worried.
"I said I am not hungry!. That doesn't mean I'm anorexic!. I just happen
to feel nauseous!" Alaney shouted and stormed off into her room.
Sara thought about going after her but decided it was best to let Alaney
cool off. Alaney came out minutes later pulling her suitcase along. Sara
laughed and didn't take it seriously.
"What are you doing?. Oh put that down, you silly thing!. There's no need
to over react, Laney!" Sara laughed flippantly.
Alaney carried on going. Sara went over and stopped her.
"Wait! Wait!. O.k. I'm sorry. I should have trusted you when you said you
didn't have an eating disorder anymore. I'm sorry if I insulted you" Sara
gestured.
Alaney stopped and began crying.
"It isn't that" Alaney told her.
Alaney looked over towards the table where Michelle had placed the piece
of paper down. Alaney gestured Sara to go over and look at it. Sara was
confused but went over. She picked up the piece of paper and read it. As
soon as she saw it she knew what it was. And lo and behold her name and
signature was down on the bottom of the page as Alaney's mother. Sara's
eyes widened like in a cartoon. She didn't need to read on. She knew that
Alaney knew. Sara couldn't quite believe this was happening. How was she
ever going to look Alaney in the face again?. Sara had to sit down. She
wasn't sure if her legs could take it anymore. She put her hands in her
face stressing. Her head just seemed to spin round and round with
thoughts. Sara couldn't believe Alaney knew. Eventually, Sara got
together the courage to go back over to Alaney's annoyed face. When Sara
got to her she couldn't help but burst out crying. Sara wasn't sure quite
what to say.
"Laney" she blurted out desperately not sure what to say.
"Save your explanations!" Alaney declared and began to leave.
"Please stay let me make it up to you. We can start again" Sara begged.
"It's too late!. It's 18 years too late!" Alaney shouted.
"Where are you planning to go?" Sara asked sobbing.
"I called Catherine. She said I could stay. Don't worry I didn't tell her
about you. I just said we'd had a fight" Alaney informed her.
"It doesn't matter. She already knows" Sara admitted ashamed.
"What?!?. Does everyone know except me?. Who else knows?" Alaney asked.
"Just Catherine and some of our family. I had to tell someone!" Sara
admitted.
"Ah poor little slutty Sara!. Oh and by the way they are not 'our'
family. I am nothing to do with you guys. Biology doesn't make a family!"
Alaney told her.
Alaney began to head to the door with her suitcase but Sara tried to pull
her back away from the door.
"No please don't go!. I love you!. I really do!. I promise you!. I need
you!" Sara protested.
"You don't give a stuff about me!" Alaney sobbed as the tears multiplied.
"That's not true, Alaney!" Sara insisted.
Alaney put her bag down, turned and began having a go at Sara.
"Shut up!. Just shut up!. I've had enough of all your lies!. It's my time
to talk!. I have a few things to say to you missy. Firstly, do you have
any idea how it felt to be told that Boby Sidle was my father when he
wasn't?!?. Of all the people in the world to choose you had to lie that
it was him!. He's an absolute pig!. He is the only person who I would
hate to be my parent more than you!" Alaney cried.
"I'm sorry" Sara sobbed.
"Secondly, I think someone needs to sit you down and get you to face the
fact that I am a human being too, Sara!. You think the whole world
revolves around you. You think if you get rid of me and ignore me then
I'll just go away like magic!. But I have feelings too, Sara!. Do you
have any idea of psychological damage it did to me being abandoned?. You
didn't care about me. You just wanted to get rid of me!" Alaney accused
her.
"Alaney you don't understand" Sara insisted.
"Yes because the whole world revolves around you, Sara. Poor little
Sara!. She couldn't cope!. Well what about poor Alaney?. The innocent
newborn who couldn't fend for herself?. Poor little Sara shouldn't have
been such a slut to get herself pregnant at fourteen!. Poor little Sara
shouldn't have been so stupid!" Alaney shouted.
"It's not that simple" Sara sobbed.
"Oh sorry, isn't it?. You tell me about how complicated it is then Sara.
Go on!" Alaney told her angrily.
"My generation is different to yours" Sara insisted.
"Oh here we go!. Well there's only fourteen years between us - it can't
have been that different!" Alaney snapped.
"Things like contraception, teenage pregnancy weren't talked about!. I
didn't even think you could get pregnant your first time!" Sara claimed.
"Rubbish!" Alaney exclaimed.
"And frankly Sara, if you didn't understand the consequences then you
shouldn't have had sex" Alaney added.
"I know that but I was young" Sara insisted.
"Well, if you were old enough to have sex!" Alaney shouted.
"I'm sorry I made a mistake. I just made one mistake and I've been paying
for it for the rest of my life. Everyone makes mistakes. Can't you
forgive me for making one little mistake?" Sara asked.
"It wasn't a little mistake!. It ruined my life!" Alaney exclaimed.
"Look it's not my fault!. Loads of girls have sex at that age and don't
get pregnant!. Plus I have an excuse - I came from a screwed up
background!" Sara insisted.
"Your not even going to take responsibility for it!" Alaney was
astounded.
"It wasn't my fault I got pregnant!" Sara insisted.
"Who's fault was it then?!?" Alaney screamed at Sara in angry.
Sara thought to herself. She didn't want Alaney to know the truth. Alaney
hadn't even considered it for some reason. Maybe it was too hard to
consider.
"O.k. I'm sorry!" Sara exclaimed.
"Sorry for what?. For giving me up?" Alaney asked accusationally.
Sara froze. She couldn't lie again. Alaney realised.
"Your not even sorry for that are you?. After all this time. After all
the pain you've seen it cause me. Your not even sorry!" Alaney exclaimed
hurt and shocked.
"Alaney, I did it for you" Sara sobbed.
"I can't believe you!. Can you honestly say you did it for me?" Alaney
shouted.
Sara looked down in shame.
"Partly" Sara told her.
"Look I was young!" Sara insisted.
"Stop saying that!!" Alaney screamed furious at her.
Alaney calmed a bit to say,
"Admit it. You just wanted to get rid of me".
"Alaney listen" Sara pleaded.
"Just admit it!!!!" Alaney screamed furious at her.
Alaney calmed.
"For once in your life, just tell me the truth!. Did you or did you not
just want to get rid of me to anyone?" Alaney begged.
"I wanted you to be safe. I wouldn't just give you to anyone!" Sara
insisted.
"But Miranda!. The least you could have done was given me to a loving
family" Alaney suggested.
"If I'd put you in care then you wouldn't necessarily be safe. You hear
all these horror stories. I knew Miranda wouldn't hurt you. I could trust
her" Sara told Alaney.
"Oh yeah? And do you think I was safe with the person intend on killing
me, your dad, living a few hundred yards from me?!?" Alaney responded
Alaney saying this shocked Sara. Sara didn't quite know what to say. So
she just began crying.
"I didn't realise at the time it was going to try to kill you!. But
that's another thing!. Alaney I couldn't have kept you!. My house isn't
safe to grow up in. Goodness knows what my dad would have done to you
growing up. My parents wouldn't even let me keep you in their house" Sara
explained.
"Move out" Alaney suggested angrily.
"At fourteen!. How do you suggest I get a place? Support you financially?
- Get a job at a burger bar?. Do you really think I could support you on
that wage?. I even practically look after you all by myself!. I wouldn't
even have anyone to ask how to bring you up. People who raise kids at 14
have their parents or some thing to turn to!" Sara exclaimed defensively.
"Well you should have thought about that before you got jiggy!. It's not
my fault you're a slut!" Alaney shouted.
"Oigh I'm not a slut!. Stop saying that!. Yeah o.k. we've covered the
fact I shouldn't have done it at 13 and I admit that!. I'm sorry!. I made
a mistake!" Sara told her.
"But once faced with the consequences you didn't care about me. I was an
inconvenience. You were too selfish to consider about my feelings. All
you cared about was getting to your precious Ivy League college and
finding your perfect little job. When faced with the decision between
your daughter and your career you chose your career!" Alaney accused her.
"Alaney, you don't understand. I didn't deserve to get pregnant!. I had
my whole life planned out. You didn't deserve to be brought up by a
teenage mother in poverty either. What do you expect me to have done?.
Become a prostitute to support you?" Sara asked.
"You were halfway there!" Alaney remarked.
"That is low, Alaney!. Listen, I admit I didn't fully consider you. But I
promise you I did it for both of us. I did consider your protection. I
loved you and I love you now" Sara explained.
Alaney didn't know what to say. She wanted to believe Sara but Sara had
lied too much. Instead she just remained silent and looked away.
Sara began sobbing again.
"You think it's been easy for me not having you in my life?. It was so
hard for me to sit by and watch Miranda raise you. All I wanted to do was
announce to both you and the world that you were mine!. I was desperate
to scoop you up in arms and take you home and raise you myself. I loved
you so much!. But once I got old enough to understand I realised that I
couldn't tell you the truth because it wasn't fair to you. Miranda was
your family then" Sara explained.
Sara paused.
"I love you but sometimes love isn't enough to raise a child. When my mom
had me she didn't have a clue how to raise a baby. She thought that 'all
you need is love'. One day when I was about three or four this social
worker once said 'Madam I can tell you love this child with all your
heart - but sometimes love alone isn't enough'. I loved you Alaney but
loving you wasn't enough to raise you. My mom struggled to raise me at
nineteen with my dad's help, so how on earth was I meant to raise you by
myself at fourteen?. Straight A student or not" Sara explained.
"How do I know your not lying?. I don't know if I can trust what you say
anymore, Sara!. You kept lying and lying to me over and over again"
Alaney told her desperately.
Alaney went over to the sofa and sat down. She felt weak in the knees
again. Sara sighed and came over. She continued her narrative,
"I never felt worthy to have anymore children after you. I knew I'd
failed you. I felt so ashamed. I felt so guilty!. I avoided children. I
mean there were the children in camp cuckoo and I always had a place in
my heart for them - but when they were children I didn't really attach to
them. It wasn't till Michelle was older that I became close to her. I
just couldn't face children" Sara explained.
Alaney began crying.
"That's a nice little narrative, Sara. I'd really like to believe you but I know you too well. You're a pathological liar. Do you know what I think?. I think, truthfully, the reason you're not good with children is because of the same reason you got rid of me - because you don't like children!. So don't try and put the guilt on my shoulders" Alaney responded.
Alaney went over and picked up her suitcase.
"You've been desperate for me to disappear since the day I was born. Well congratulations I won't bug you and your precious life anymore!. I hate you and I can never forgive you for abandoning me. I can never forgive you for ruining my life. I'm glad I know though because now I can get on with my life and mature into an adult. I used to think I'd never have a family unless I found my natural parents. But today I realised that I can go out and make my own family. I can make up for the mistakes you made. I will have a true family. Biology doesn't make a family - it just helps to get one together. And by the way, when I was in hospital and I told you you would make a good mom - yeah well, I take that back. Promise me you will never curse another kid by giving birth to them!. You couldn't raise a peanut let alone a child. Your too self centred to share your life with another human being" Alaney told her.
Something in Sara just made her give up and stop fighting it. She reasoned in her head that she had nothing to feel sorry for and nothing to regret because it wasn't her fault. She was raped after all. She owed that ungrateful brat nothing. It wasn't her fault. She was tired of Alaney blaming her and shouting at her. Alaney had been a nuisance to Sara's life since the day she was born. Sara did just want her to disappear!. Furthermore Alaney was a constant reminder of that night. Why did Sara ever want her to stay?. If Alaney 'disappeared' then it would all be over. Simple. Sara decided that the only thing she wanted in the world now was for that ungrateful brat to 'disappear' forever.
"You know what Alaney. If you want to go then go!. Frankly I haven't got time in my life for your whingeing or sponging off me. You're absolutely right. I would like nothing more than for you to 'disappear'. So here's the door. Go away and I never want to see your whingeing face again!" Sara shouted.
Sara begun to shove Alaney out the door and then slammed it. Alaney was gob smacked. She couldn't believe that Sara said that. She had never hated Sara as much as she did now. It had been confirmed to Alaney that Sara didn't care about her. It had all been lies.
Once Sara slammed the door she went over to the sofa, sat down and began crying. She realised immediately that she didn't mean it. She run over to the door and opened it but Alaney was gone. Sara took the lift down and got outside just as Alaney's cab was going off. It was too late.
When Sara got back to the flat she just sat sobbing on the sofa. She couldn't believe she'd said that stuff!. She couldn't believe she'd even thought it. It wasn't Alaney's fault she didn't know. Of course Alaney would react that way because she thought it was Sara's fault!. Sara just didn't want Alaney to know the truth. Sara was ashamed and she didn't know what Alaney would do about the news. She suspected she'd do something stupid.
Sara got up and walked over to her phone. Tearfully she dialled her mother's cell phone. It was the only way she could ensure she got her mom and not her dad. Libby had never been too keen on the idea of having a cell phone but Sara had given her one as a birthday present and insisted she kept it on so Libby was contactable. Libby had actually found it rather useful in some ways but would never admit that to Sara. Sara rung her mom. Sara told her mom that Alaney knew and confessed to her mom that she'd made a major mistake by turning Alaney away. They spoke on the phone for over two hours.