Alaney and Michelle were sitting having a drink in the club where Michelle
was due to play. She was doing a music friend of hers a favour by playing
in her club. She had really helped Michelle make it, so Michelle wanted to
repay the favour. Michelle had asked her friend to let her friends sing too
tonight. So tonight Michelle and friends were performing. So Michelle and
Alaney were waiting around, as things got set up for the show.
"What if she doesn't forgive me?" Alaney asked.
"She was going to forgive you when you called her cow, bitch and slut. So of course she's going to forgive you now your not. She's desperate to get you back! It's all going to be all right. You don't even have to sing if you don't want to" Michelle reassured her.
"I want to" Alaney replied.
Alaney sighed.
"I was so horrible!" Alaney fretted.
"Forget it" Michelle groaned.
"She'll be here any second. Oh my goodness, I've got stage fright! I can't do this!" Alaney panicked.
"Of course you can. You'll regret it if you don't. I'll be there singing right with you, remember" Michelle told her.
Michelle's manager friend, Alison, soon came over.
"We're nearly ready girls. Ten minutes to go and then I'll introduce you Michelle. You sing a solo. Then you both can sing your song. Then it's you again Michelle. Then it's you and your sister. Then you sing two songs alone. Then with your friend Hannah. Then two more solos. Then we end. O.k.?" Alison told them.
"Brilliant" Michelle reassured Alison.
Alison walked off relieved.
"I'm going to pop to the toilet while I still can" Alaney announced.
Alaney went off to the toilet and ten minutes later Sara appeared and sat next to Michelle. Alison was just beginning to introduce Michelle.
"Where's Alaney?" Sara whispered.
"The toilet. Listen Sara, there's something I need to tell you" Michelle replied.
"I've been thinking and I think I know how to get her to speak to me again" Sara informed Michelle. "Sara, you don't need" Michelle tried to explain, but was interrupted by Sara running up to the microphone as Alison was finishing.
This surprised both Alison and Michelle but Alison let Sara have the microphone. Sara looked out around the light to the crowd and saw Alaney returning to her seat.
"What's Sara doing up there?" Alaney asked.
"I don't know. She just grabbed the microphone from Alison" Michelle explained.
"Umm, hi", Sara began, "my name's Sara Sidle and I'm Michelle's cousin. I wanted to take this opportunity to say something quite publicly. I also wanted Michelle to sing a song with me to back my point up. Don't worry you know it well, Michelle. Umm, you see - I have a daughter. She's beautiful! She's really smart. She's really independent and always holds her own. But she probably has to be. You see I abandoned her when she was born. I don't mean in some dumpster. I made sure she - I mean you - You Alaney! I made sure you were safe and fed, etc. I made sure you had money and good schooling. And you see I thought that was enough! Not for me but for you. And then I began to notice you seemed angry about it, while you were growing up. I couldn't understand why. Then when you found out I was your mother you began to say that you thought I didn't love you. But that isn't true! You said that I gave you away because I didn't want to keep you and I couldn't wait to get rid of you. You said that I was selfish and didn't think of you. You said all I thought about was going to an Ivy League school and that you would be in my way. Well, to those last few questions I have to admit I didn't really know the answer until a few hours ago. You see I sat down for the first time since giving you up and I finally faced my fears. I finally thought about how I felt then and now. So, here it is - The truth!" Sara told them.
Sara took a deep breath.
"When you were born I have to admit I didn't feel much for you! I suppose that was because you were a shock and I didn't really give myself a chance to let you grow on me. I remember when you were immediately born - I couldn't look at you! Then I told my mom and she took you. Then she told me we were going to the hospital and to hold you while she went to get Miranda. I was not pleased! The last thing I wanted to do was hold you again! I couldn't stand you! All I wanted to do was throw you far far away so you were out of my sight" Sara explained.
"If this lot is meant to prove she loves me then I don't want to know what she'd say to prove she didn't" Alaney whispered and laughed to Michelle.
"Ssshhh" Michelle hushed her.
Alaney was secretly trying to disguise the hurt she felt with humour.
"I was sitting there holding you in the car for about quarter of an hour. I didn't look at you. I could feel you in my arms and I have to admit it was horrible. I hated it. It felt like I was holding slime! I couldn't stand you. But then, for about thirty seconds before mom and Miranda returned, I looked down at you. I guess I just had an urge to. And that's the first time I remember feeling something! - A good something!" Sara admitted.
Sara took a deep breath again.
Alaney was deeply hurt.
"Then that night in hospital, I was lying there and all I could think of was you. I had finally got rid of you! I was laying there exhausted with thousands of stitches in me and desperately needed the rest - but I just couldn't. I had to see you! So I crept out of bed and crept down the hall to the nursery where you were. And I looked down at you and I just thought to myself - you were so beautiful!" Sara told her.
"That's more like it!" Alaney commented to Michelle.
"You had these tiny little toes, these tiny little fingers and these tiny little ears. When I stroked your skin it was so soft like velvet. And I thought to myself - you're so beautiful! You're so cute! I still couldn't feel that you were mine, though - despite the millions of stitches below me. It felt like you were someone else's baby - like my cousin. You were just a cute baby. Having said that, part of me wanted to pick you up and run away with you. But not because you were mine but because you were so cute!" Sara sobbed.
Sara had to pause for a few moments because she broke down into floods of tears. Alison came over and handed her a tissue. Alison didn't care if Sara was ruining her evening; she wanted Sara to continue for Sara's sake.
Alaney could feel slight tears of joy begin to trickle down her face. She was trying to hold them back though.
"Stop her, Alaney! She doesn't need to do this. It's too painful for her. Stop her. Tell her you know. Everything's fine between you guys now, she doesn't need to do this" Michelle demanded.
"I know. But please Michelle, I need to know how she feels. Even if she doesn't love me I won't hate her. I'll understand. She was raped how can I expect her to love me? But if she does - that would be so special. I just need to know the truth and it sounds like she's going that to me" Alaney pleaded.
Sara composed herself and continued,
"All that was a start. But you still didn't feel like mine. It didn't sink in that you were mind for at least four days. You were gone and I couldn't forget you even though I thought it would be easy to. By day ten, I couldn't bare it anymore. I had to go to Miranda's and see you, against my mother's wishes! You see we were staying with my grandparents because my mom had had a fight over the situation with my dad and so my mom moved out with me. I had to get two buses and a train to come see you that day. Miranda suspected I'd come. She was really helpful, really happy to see me. It was the first time I had seen you since it had sunk in that you were mine. It was amazing. Completely different to before! I held you in my arms and I felt all warn instead. I had butterflies in my stomach. I looked into your eyes and realised it wasn't a dream - you really were mine! And you know what? - It felt so good. You made me feel happy!" Sara confessed.
Alaney couldn't help it anymore. She was so happy. She had tears streaming down her face.
"It was so hard watching you growing up right next to me. My dad absolutely banned showing affection towards you, and my mom just went along with it. She didn't want me to take on what I couldn't handle - in essence, you! So, we shut you out of our lives. Well practically! You were our daughter and granddaughter, but we treated you like a distant relative or something. And for that I'm sorry - that wasn't fair to you!" Sara told her publicly.
Alaney smiled. It was one of the things she had been dying to hear.
"Of course, as you probably noticed the affection ban was hard. We used to go overboard and refuse to look you in the eye or we'd avoid you. But it was only because every time I looked you in the eye I fell so deep in love with you. It was only because every time I looked you in the eyes you just seemed so perfect! Everyone loved you and adored and you were mine. You have this habit of being able to make anyone talk to you. Just like my mom! I just wanted to run up, throw my arms around you and tell the world you were mine! I shut you out because every time I looked you in the eye I had to fight the overwhelming urge to grab you and run away with you. Over the years, the older you got, I fell more and more in love with you. I was so privileged though to have been able to watch you grow up!" Sara continued.
Sara had to stop because she was so tearful again. Her pride of Alaney being hers was too much for her to continue just yet.
"It was a privilege!" Sara added proudly.
Alaney couldn't help but cry even more. She was just so happy to hear this words.
"I did consider over those years telling you the truth. I decided it was unfair to you and Miranda. You two had set up a life together and I might ruin that. It got a lot easier when I moved away to college. But then I came back and you were there again. Then I moved to Las Vegas and it got easier. Then you came to stay with me and the urge was the hardest it ever was to fight. You don't know how many times I nearly came out and said it! But I got stage fight and I was scared you'd hate me. As time went on, well it got past the point of being able to tell you. I couldn't just come out with it! On top of that I was scared you'd do stupid things if you found out who your father was. So I had to make sure I didn't tell you." Sara explained.
Sara took a long pause, looked down and started to play with her hands nervously. She took a deep breath and finally looked up.
"A lot of that stuff I just told you isn't news to me. Some of it might not even be news to you. But the rest of what I realised us quite a shocker to even me. I sat down this afternoon and faced my fears. I actually sat down and asked myself why I gave you up. Did I give you up because you disgusted me? Did I give you up because it would ruin my career plans? You know stuff like that. I finally faced up to the truth of how I felt about you back then. And I have to tell you - it isn't all bad news. I really think you need to know what I discovered today. You see I do love you. I really do and I've realised over the last few months how unloved and rejected you felt because you were abandoned. I know you hate me for it and to be truthful - I hated myself for it too. But I never let myself think about why I did it. I told myself it was obvious - I was 14 - I couldn't raise a child! It would be impossible! But it wasn't impossible. It would have been hard but still possible. The least I could have done was beg my parents to raise you as their own or help me raise you. But I didn't. And I was scared to work out why. I was scared I was a selfish person. I was scared that I did it for my career. I was scared I did it to avoid social stigma. But when I actually sat down and thought about why I got rid of you. Why I had a burning desire to get you out of my sight and as far away as possible - I finally realise why I had felt like that. Why, at least, I didn't want you raised in my house. And I swear to God it's the honest truth. You see when I sat down and thought about it - it wasn't because of my career. It wasn't because of social stigma in case people found out. The reason I wanted to get you away from me and that house so badly - was because I wanted to protect you! I used to give it as some lame excuse to you and myself but I never believed it to be true! But when I sat down and thought about it - it was. The only reason I wanted you out of my house was because there was no way in heaven or hell that I was going to let you grow up in that house with my parents. Believe me when I say you were in danger! It's not just the 'fighting' that goes on in that house. In fact that's another reason I didn't want you in that house - for sanity of mind. He may not hit you but he'll destroy your sanity with his mind games. I'm 33 years old and I still don't have a clue about whether that guy feels anything for me. On top of that there's the psychological damage caused by standing by as he destroys my mother. She'd be your mother or your grandmother and it would kill you, Laney! You think you can stand it and that you can simply just ignore it. But when your actually there you can't! It would have killed you inside. But it isn't actually the sanity issue that's the main problem. It's the danger! And believe me my darling you would have been in so much danger! My dad seems determined to kill you. I knew from the day you were born he would. You don't need to know exactly why but believe me he has issues with people finding out your mine. And you know what? I would go as far to say that my dad is probably determined to hurt you in some way or another just to spite me! Because he knows I love you and your special to me. What better way to hurt me than by the heart? He can't let anyone have a normal, healthy life! He just can't. He would never have let you ever. He destroys everyone in his immediate family. He's determined to" Sara explained.
At this point Sara burst out crying.
"I just wanted you to have a normal, healthy life! Even though I didn't know you then I just wanted you to because you were mine! I didn't want you to get caught up in the web of destruction that is my family. No one can come out in one piece. Even Daven's screwed up! He's the sanest admittedly but that's probably because Libby isn't actually his mom and because he didn't live with us for the majority of the time. He loves my mom so much though! She is like a mother to him and it does kill himself inside to be there when they fight. In fact it probably kills him more because of the guilt. The guilt he feels because out of the two of them his biology parent is the monster. But do you know what the worst thing is? Daven looks set to ruin his life - because he's petrified to get marry! He's petrified because at the back of his mind he's scared he'll turn out like dad. You know why? - Because dad's trying to convince him he will" Sara confessed.
Daven was sitting in the audience and hid his face his shame. He couldn't believe what his sister was admitting publicly about him.
"Which is stupid because he's completely against the way dad is. He thinks Dad's a monster! He's completely on my mom's side. But just petrified that it's genetic or something. He's petrified!" Sara told them.
Sara could vaguely see around the light that Daven was in the audience signalling for her to shut up.
"Anyhow", Sara continued, "the point is I didn't want you to turn out as screwed up as us. The irony is you did! By abandoning you - I screwed you up! And I'm so sorry for that! I did it so the opposite would happen! I love you and I'd never want to hurt you! He does want to hurt you though! That is why I'm begging you, darling - even if you don't come back to me - please! Don't go back to him! Even if he says he loves you he probably doesn't. And if he does love you then it's not enough for him to actually put you first. I'm not saying this to be spiteful or make you feel unloved, darling. It's the same with me, even the same with my mom. Even if he loves people - it's never as much as he loves himself. He prefers getting his pleasure than you being safe - even if he really does love you. It's questionable about whether that is even love. I don't know if he does have feelings for us, kid - I really don't! It's the kind of thing that I lay awake at night wondering about. I'm not sure if I'll ever know! All is know is what I've told you. If he loves us it's not enough for us to be safe with him. Please leave him immediately!" Sara pleaded.
Alaney felt sad. Ever since Michelle had told her Alaney had forgotten about her and Boby's special bond. She preferred Sara to him any day but she still cared. Now she didn't know what to think about that bond. She thought she could finally trust Boby. But if love wasn't enough then how could she ever trust Boby enough, to be alone with him, again.
It was at this point that Libby appeared at the back of the club. No Boby just Libby alone. She sulked at the back and heard the rest of everything that followed.
"If you think my realising revelation 1 was a shell shock to me - and probably you - then you should hear revelation 2. Number 2 was really a jaw dropping experience for me because I couldn't have expected this one to be true!" Sara disclosed.
Sara took a deep breath.
"I was sat thinking to myself about everything. About my life since you were born, about how I feel about you and about how unhappy I've been. And that was when it hit me. After a lot of thought, a lot of soul searching and a lot of talking to the bottom of my heart deep down. After a lot of reality checking, a lot of self-evaluation and after a lot of re- evaluation. I realised what had happened in my life. I realised how unhappy I've been and how I could have avoided my downfall into such unhappiness" Sara explained.
"Use protection?" A woman whispered to her friend giggling in the corner.
Alaney and Michelle turned and gave the woman an evil look. Luckily Sara didn't hear any of it.
"I realised why I was unhappy" Sara told them.
Sara took a deep breath and admitted,
"I should have kept you"
Libby was astounded by this revelation. She couldn't believe her daughter would think such a thing.
Michelle and Alaney were quite surprised.
"Not having you made me unhappy. I should have run away from my parents and raised you from day one" Sara confessed.
Sara looked like she was still dealing with this self-revelation. It had definitely been a surprise to her.
"I'm not sure how I would have initiated it. I mean it never crossed my mind when you were born to keep you. I suppose at the back of my mind I always thought that my mom was nineteen and she couldn't look after me - so how could raise a baby at 14?. But I realised I realised today that I'm different to my mom and I have to realise that. Most people younger than her did cope with a kid. And yeah I was younger - but people of fourteen have coped before haven't they? - why shouldn't I?. And I know it would be hard and I'm not entirely sure how we would have pulled it off. But I know I should have!. I know I would have done anything anyhow to have you, to raise you, to feed you and protect you. I might not have been able to get you private schooling but I reckon you'd still be a genius anyhow! I wish I could go back and raise you myself because it breaks my heart to have not raised you myself! I was lucky enough to see you grow up but I never had a hand in that growing up! I never got the chance to take you for your first day at school. I never got the chance to hear you say your first words. I never even got the chance to look after you when you were ill - and as time consuming and icky that sounds I would have loved to! I'm not sure when and where I could have decided to grab you and run away with you. Maybe I should have taken you and run away with you when I got that urge in the hospital. But all I know is if I could go back now I would have run away with you. Even now we could start again and try to be mother and daughter - but it will still be 18 years too late. You're all grown up! You're practically a fully-grown adult. I will never be able to get your childhood back! And I can have more kids but they'll never replace that! I would love you all the same but their growing up won't be your growing up. That will never come back to me!" Sara sobbed.
Sara paused for breath as she had got herself in a state and solemnly bowed her head.
She recovered and continued.
"Let me explain why I've decided all this. You see you said that I was selfish. That all I wanted was my Ivy League school and my wonderful job. Both were and are brilliant, I admit!. I loved Harvard. I finally felt at home and felt like I belonged. And I love my job" Sara explained.
Sara paused.
"But I would exchange all that for you. I love you so much and you give me so much more joy than either of those ever did" Sara confessed
Alaney cried even more at this point and gave a tearful but delightfully touched smile.
"And for a long time before today I was scared. I was scared that I might had chosen Harvard over you. But I realised today that I hadn't!. I had just simply wanted to protect you!. I didn't want you to be unhappy!. You were Miranda's and I had no right to take you back once I'd give you to her - no matter how much I wanted to! I made excuses to myself that I couldn't let my feelings for you get in the way of my career plans but in truth it was all a front to protect you! Then when I found out you weren't happy with Miranda I thought it would break your heart to find out that I was the one who betrayed you. But let me reassure you - wherever I went I never forgot you! I always felt like you were there. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about you. I kept your photo with me everywhere. I tried to forget about you, but I just couldn't! Your amazing and even people who aren't your mother think that - how could I not love someone like you?" Sara told her.
Sara sighed.
"I thought giving you away would make you go away. The only thing I'd have to worry about was your protection. I thought it would be easy but it was the complete opposite! I couldn't forget about you - no matter what I tried. I thought giving you away would make me happy but the truth is it ruined my life! From the day I gave you away I was never truly happy again!. You coming to stay with me was the only thing that has made me truly happy. My life stopped the day you were born and since that day my life has just been a disaster. I should be settled down married and with kids now but I just couldn't. I couldn't move on with my life until I had you back. So I paused life - especially when I got out of college. It should have been the beginning but it was the end. I threw myself into work, didn't get close to too many people and never let myself commit to relationships because unconsciously I was waiting for you. I unconsciously put my life on hold for you. I took a pause in my life except that pause has been 18 years!. I'm 33 years old and I've suddenly realised that life has slipped me by. I have no life. I just work and sleep. I still feel like that 14-year-old girl. I stopped for a second and 18 years past by in the mean time. And I can't start living again until I have you as my daughter back in my life. I thought I could ignore you and move on but I couldn't!. You think I'm selfish and put my happiness first. Well I gave you up and look at me now!. Is this what you call happy, Alaney?!?. Giving you up ruined my life! - because I need you!. You are the solution and I never took the solution so I suffered!. I didn't take the solution because I thought you'd be happier the way you were but you weren't!. Everything is just so screwed up!. I can't keep living like this Laney - I need you and I know you need me too! Let us help each other heal! Please!
Sara had got herself in a state and needed to calm down.
"I don't know what else to say or do to get you to forgive me. I'm sorry. I wish more than ever I had kept and never given you away - because then I could have had a life. Then I would be happy!. And I'm unhappy. I've wasted half my life away being unhappy about leaving you" Sara concluded with a sound of defeat in her voice.
Sara couldn't continue as she burst into tears. Alison came over and comforted her.
Libby had been listening to all this and it broke her heart. She realised how much not having Alaney had destroyed Sara. Libby had always thought keeping Alaney away would make it easier for Sara but it clearly didn't. Libby sulked away, as she'd come in, without anyone seeing her.
"I thought giving you up would make me happy. But it did the complete opposite!. And you know what? - you're right. I am selfish! All I care about is my happiness - that is why I wished I had kept you. Because I wouldn't have felt guilty so I'd be happy! Because I would be happy because your presence makes me happy and because you'd be happy and that makes me happy!. It's all my selfish instinct! But so what? - everyone is selfish! The only reason you want your kid to be happy is because when you see them happy it makes you happy!" Sara admitted almost like she were drunk.
Sara thought to herself for what else to say. She couldn't think anything. That was it. Her last hope. All she could think of to do she had done.
"I love you" Sara concluded lost for words.
But Sara couldn't finish there. Secretly she didn't want to finish because she was scared Alaney would turn around and still hate her.
"Please forgive me. My decision mucked up both our lives. I never had another kid because I could never forgive myself for giving you up. I was a bad mother to you, so I figured I couldn't be a good mother to anyone else. I don't know how, I don't know where but I know I should have raised you myself! Fourteen or not! It was the only solution and I blew it!" Sara told her.
"I love you. Please forgive me" Sara finished her appeal, sounding defeated.
She looked out to the audience but all she could see was the bright lights staring in her eyes. She couldn't see Alaney's reaction through any of her speech. What was Alaney thinking? Was she going to forgive Sara? Sara pondered.
"Wait! Before you say anything! I want to sing you a song. I wrote many songs about you but this is probably the most profound for me. It's so fitting to describe how I feel about you and the years. Plus you've heard the songs I wrote for you but you've never seen me sing them in dedication of you. So Michelle, I need you and your band. I want to sing 'I'd rather be in love' please" Sara announced.
"But" Alaney said.
"Let her", Michelle told Alaney as Michelle got up, "It will be good for her".
So, Sara performed the song in dedication and to Alaney herself. Michelle joined in the chorus but Sara sand the verses alone. Alaney cried tears of joy the whole way through. It was the best moment of her life. ("I cannot help it I couldn't stop it if I tried. The same old heartbeat fills the emptiness I have inside. And I've heard that you can't fight love, so I won't complain. Because why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on?.
Because when there's you, I feel whole. And there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone. And I'd rather be in love with you.
Turn out the lights now. To see is to believe. I just want you near me
I just want you here with me. And I'd give up everything only for you
It's the least that I could do.
Because when there's you, I feel whole and there's no better feeling in the world.
But without you I'm alone and I'd rather be in love with you
And I feel you holding me. Why are we afraid to be in love?
To be loved. I can't explain it. I know it's tough to be loved. And I feel you holding me.
When there's you, I feel whole and there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone. And I'd rather be in love. Yes, I'd rather be in love
Oh, I'd rather be in love with you")
Sara finished and waited. She found she was shaking with fear.
Through the lights Sara suddenly saw Alaney appear. Alaney was smiling. Alaney looked delighted.
"Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up you silly idiot! You didn't need to say any of that! You didn't need to sing that! I love you!" Alaney shouted while running up joyfully.
They hugged.
Sara was so delighted and so relieved. She cried tears of joy.
"None of that needed to be said because I know the truth! I know everything! I know about my father!. You don't need to feel anything for me and I'd understand! I don't understand how you can love me though" Alaney added.
"What? But how do you know? Who told you?" Sara asked.
Her reply echoed across the microphone and Sara realised that if Alaney really did know about Boby and the rape then they needed to discuss this in private.
"Umm, we've got to go. Michelle come up and sing" Sara commanded.
"But" Michelle was about to say something.
"Now! Why do I have the overwhelming feeling this has something to do with you?" Sara responded angrily.
Sara grabbed Alaney and took her off the stage. The audience sighed with disappointment - they wanted their soap opera.
"What do you mean you know?" Sara asked surprised.
"I know you were raped. And you don't need to worry - I don't care who my father is. He's a bastard and I don't want anything to do with him. I don't want to know him. I don't even want to see what he looks like! No wonder you wouldn't tell me who it was" Alaney replied.
"But you don't know who it is?" Sara asked.
"I don't want to know" Alaney reassured her.
"Anyway forget about that. Do you forgive me?" Sara asked.
"Of course, I forgive you silly! You didn't need to say that you should have kept me! You were raped none of it was your fault. I was not your responsibility! Why didn't you tell me the circumstances, silly?!? You let me blame you and hate you! Of course I wouldn't have blamed you! It wasn't your fault! But as you never corrected me I assumed it wasn't an option. I don't know I never thought you could be raped. Stuff like that only happens on tv. I know Boby does that but I also know he's rare. You poor thing! - being raped and having a dad like that! Irony's cruel hand of fate, hey?" Alaney told her.
Sara gave a pathetic laugh.
"It doesn't matter if I was raped I still shouldn't have gave you up. It wasn't fair to you!" Sara declared.
"I can't believe you! I can't believe you'd love me! I can't believe you would even want to look me in the face! How can you love me, let alone want me. after you were raped to get me?" Alaney asked.
Sara looked shocked. She touched Alaney's face in affection.
"It doesn't matter where you came from. You're still my daughter I can't help but love you!. You can't just turn the love button on or off - I should know! - I tried! Anyway, how can I not love you? Everyone thinks your amazing and your all mine! I know I didn't raise you but I created you and so I did have a part in making you as wonderful a person as you are" Sara remarked affectionately.
Alaney broke out into tears.
"I'm so sorry! I was such a cow to you!" Alaney confessed.
Sara hugged her.
"You didn't know. I should have told you. I just didn't want you to feel guilty or do something stupid when you found out how you were born" Sara replied.
"You see. You're an amazingly caring person and I called you horrible names about you being the complete opposite! Not only am I a omen to you but I'm an ungrateful pain in the arse too" Alaney sobbed regrettably.
"You see your doing it already! I knew you'd blame yourself! You have nothing to feel guilty for. You made everything good again. Do you know what Miranda herself said to me?" Sara told her.
Alaney shook her head.
"Well, let me put it the way she did. How do you cure a nettle sting?" Sara asked.
"I don't know - cream?" Alaney suggested.
"No, a dock leaf, silly! And where do you find dock leaves?" Sara asked.
"Next to the nettles. But what do you mean? I don't understand" Alaney added.
"Yes, I was raped and it was a terrible thing. But then you came along. You were the dock leaf and it was the nettle. You were the cure - the solution!. I just never took the cure. You were this amazing cure and I ignored it. You're not an omen! - you're the opposite! - I was lucky to have you after the rape!" Sara explained.
"What? You really think that?!? O.k., but it still doesn't make sense - I don't even live next to this rapist so the symbolism doesn't work" Alaney replied.
Sara smiled and gave a laugh at Alaney saying this.
"You came out of the rape - even better than a dock leaf! Nettles don't pop out dock leaves from themselves - you have to find them. You took no finding!" Sara told her.
They hugged sentiemntally.
"Oh I nearly forgot I've wrote a song too! I need to sing it to you! It seems even more fitting now" Alaney announced.
"But you hate singing" Sara laughed.
"I want to sing to you!" Alaney assured her.
"I'd love to hear it then" Sara replied.
So, Michelle and her band went on stage again. This time Alaney sang. She sang a song called 'All you wanted' that Michelle had helped her put into a song.
("I wanted to be like you. I wanted everything. So I tried to be like you
and I got swept away. I didn't know that it was so cold
and you needed someone to show you the way. So I took your hand and we figured out that when the time comes I'd take you away
If you want to I can save you. I can take you away from here
So lonely inside. So busy out there and all you wanted was somebody who cares
I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me. Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on. Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone
If you want to I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside
So busy out there and all you wanted was somebody who cares
Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone")
Sara was in tears throughout the whole song. As soon as the song finished Alaney run up to Sara and hugged her.
"That was wonderful! Yes, of course I want you!" Sara responded.
"As what?" Alaney asked as if the thought had just hit her.
"What?" Sara replied surprised and awkward.
"What are we going to be to each other?" Alaney asked worried.
Sara looked awkward, looked down and started playing with her hands.
"Whatever you want to be" Sara replied shyly.
"What do you want to be?" Alaney asked awkward and shy herself.
"What do you want to be?" Sara asked back.
Alaney shrugged.
"You, umm. You mentioned wanting to keep me back then and you mentioned you being unhappy without me being your daughter. Does that mean you want me to be, maybe? I know it will be hard and really weird. Feel free to say no. Don't feel guilty about it but I just thought I'd ask in case. Would you consider, maybe, trying out me being your dau - daug" Alaney stumbled nervously.
"Daughter! Yes! That's what I want too! I just didn't know whether you wanted it. I know it will be weird but we can try right?" Sara interrupted.
"Right!" Alaney exclaimed delighted.
They hugged tearfully. They were both so relieved they wanted the same thing and didn't embarrass themselves.
Sara grabbed Alaney's hand.
"Come on, let's sit down and get a drink. We need one!" Sara commented.
"Wait Sara!. There's something I've got to tell you!" Alaney panicked.
"What?" Sara asked concerned.
"I'm not going to Harvard" Alaney announced anxiously.
"Why? You said they accepted you" Sara responded.
"I don't want to move across country now when I'm only just getting to know you!" Alaney answered.
"But it's your dream!" Sara replied.
"No, my dream was to have my mother!" Alaney reminded Sara.
Sara took a deep breath and smiled.
"Well, your mother loves that you're going to be nearer!. So which Ivy League are you going to? One in California?" Sara asked.
"Las Vegas" Alaney replied reluctantly.
Sara looked gobsmacked.
"But there is no ivy league in Las Vegas" Sara responded almost sarcastic.
"Sara!", Alaney chided her, "I'm serious".
"But you worked so hard to get into Ivy League!" Sara responded.
"All I want is to be a CSI. Warrick and Catherine went there and they got to be CSIs and they're brilliant CSIs. And to be honest - I didn't work hard!. I'm not like you, Sara. I didn't work every hour God sends and I didn't hide behind books to avoid life. I was naturally clever. I only did enough work to get me my A's and the rest was natural cleverness. But you research so much further! - for fun!. I don't think I'd even fit in at Harvard. I don't enjoy studying!" Alaney explained.
Sara laughed and hugged Laney into her.
"And your going to pass Ivy League all for me?" Sara asked delighted.
"Of course! Like you said no question. The two of us comes first. I value being with you more than anything! I just want to be with you! We have so much lost time to make up for" Alaney reassured her.
"Well, being the selfish cow that I am - I'm secretly glad your staying here. I don't know how I would have coped if you'd gone far away!" Sara admitted to her.
They enjoyed each other's company for a short while and then Alaney sighed.
"I've got to move out of your parents now!" Alaney said.
"Why? Don't you want to?" Sara asked surprised.
"No, I do. I can't stand that man!" Alaney replied.
"Why can't you stand him?" Sara asked concerned that Alaney really did know.
"You put him in perspective for me up there. Plus he lied to me about begging you to keep me!. The opposite was true. On top of that, all that stuff you said about him never being able to love people enough to put them first. I've been such a fool! How could I have stood by and ignored all the pain he caused your mom, Catherine and all those women? The circumstances of my birth have really brought to life just how evil he is. He goes around doing what my father did to you. I can never love a man like that!" Alaney explained disgusted.
"So, why don't you want to move out?" Sara asked.
"Well, two reasons. One, even though he doesn't love me more than himself, I really do believe he's fallen in love with me. It will break his heart. Then secondly, what if he doesn't take the news well?" Alaney answered.
Sara put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll be with you. He won't do anything to you while I'm there" Sara reassured her.
Alaney smiled at Sara as a thank you.
"Hey, why don't you come home with me tonight? Leave the bust up till the morning. We can't exactly pack all your stuff up now anyway" Sara suggested.
Alaney smiled again. This was a relief to her. She could put off the consequences till tomorrow.
"What if she doesn't forgive me?" Alaney asked.
"She was going to forgive you when you called her cow, bitch and slut. So of course she's going to forgive you now your not. She's desperate to get you back! It's all going to be all right. You don't even have to sing if you don't want to" Michelle reassured her.
"I want to" Alaney replied.
Alaney sighed.
"I was so horrible!" Alaney fretted.
"Forget it" Michelle groaned.
"She'll be here any second. Oh my goodness, I've got stage fright! I can't do this!" Alaney panicked.
"Of course you can. You'll regret it if you don't. I'll be there singing right with you, remember" Michelle told her.
Michelle's manager friend, Alison, soon came over.
"We're nearly ready girls. Ten minutes to go and then I'll introduce you Michelle. You sing a solo. Then you both can sing your song. Then it's you again Michelle. Then it's you and your sister. Then you sing two songs alone. Then with your friend Hannah. Then two more solos. Then we end. O.k.?" Alison told them.
"Brilliant" Michelle reassured Alison.
Alison walked off relieved.
"I'm going to pop to the toilet while I still can" Alaney announced.
Alaney went off to the toilet and ten minutes later Sara appeared and sat next to Michelle. Alison was just beginning to introduce Michelle.
"Where's Alaney?" Sara whispered.
"The toilet. Listen Sara, there's something I need to tell you" Michelle replied.
"I've been thinking and I think I know how to get her to speak to me again" Sara informed Michelle. "Sara, you don't need" Michelle tried to explain, but was interrupted by Sara running up to the microphone as Alison was finishing.
This surprised both Alison and Michelle but Alison let Sara have the microphone. Sara looked out around the light to the crowd and saw Alaney returning to her seat.
"What's Sara doing up there?" Alaney asked.
"I don't know. She just grabbed the microphone from Alison" Michelle explained.
"Umm, hi", Sara began, "my name's Sara Sidle and I'm Michelle's cousin. I wanted to take this opportunity to say something quite publicly. I also wanted Michelle to sing a song with me to back my point up. Don't worry you know it well, Michelle. Umm, you see - I have a daughter. She's beautiful! She's really smart. She's really independent and always holds her own. But she probably has to be. You see I abandoned her when she was born. I don't mean in some dumpster. I made sure she - I mean you - You Alaney! I made sure you were safe and fed, etc. I made sure you had money and good schooling. And you see I thought that was enough! Not for me but for you. And then I began to notice you seemed angry about it, while you were growing up. I couldn't understand why. Then when you found out I was your mother you began to say that you thought I didn't love you. But that isn't true! You said that I gave you away because I didn't want to keep you and I couldn't wait to get rid of you. You said that I was selfish and didn't think of you. You said all I thought about was going to an Ivy League school and that you would be in my way. Well, to those last few questions I have to admit I didn't really know the answer until a few hours ago. You see I sat down for the first time since giving you up and I finally faced my fears. I finally thought about how I felt then and now. So, here it is - The truth!" Sara told them.
Sara took a deep breath.
"When you were born I have to admit I didn't feel much for you! I suppose that was because you were a shock and I didn't really give myself a chance to let you grow on me. I remember when you were immediately born - I couldn't look at you! Then I told my mom and she took you. Then she told me we were going to the hospital and to hold you while she went to get Miranda. I was not pleased! The last thing I wanted to do was hold you again! I couldn't stand you! All I wanted to do was throw you far far away so you were out of my sight" Sara explained.
"If this lot is meant to prove she loves me then I don't want to know what she'd say to prove she didn't" Alaney whispered and laughed to Michelle.
"Ssshhh" Michelle hushed her.
Alaney was secretly trying to disguise the hurt she felt with humour.
"I was sitting there holding you in the car for about quarter of an hour. I didn't look at you. I could feel you in my arms and I have to admit it was horrible. I hated it. It felt like I was holding slime! I couldn't stand you. But then, for about thirty seconds before mom and Miranda returned, I looked down at you. I guess I just had an urge to. And that's the first time I remember feeling something! - A good something!" Sara admitted.
Sara took a deep breath again.
Alaney was deeply hurt.
"Then that night in hospital, I was lying there and all I could think of was you. I had finally got rid of you! I was laying there exhausted with thousands of stitches in me and desperately needed the rest - but I just couldn't. I had to see you! So I crept out of bed and crept down the hall to the nursery where you were. And I looked down at you and I just thought to myself - you were so beautiful!" Sara told her.
"That's more like it!" Alaney commented to Michelle.
"You had these tiny little toes, these tiny little fingers and these tiny little ears. When I stroked your skin it was so soft like velvet. And I thought to myself - you're so beautiful! You're so cute! I still couldn't feel that you were mine, though - despite the millions of stitches below me. It felt like you were someone else's baby - like my cousin. You were just a cute baby. Having said that, part of me wanted to pick you up and run away with you. But not because you were mine but because you were so cute!" Sara sobbed.
Sara had to pause for a few moments because she broke down into floods of tears. Alison came over and handed her a tissue. Alison didn't care if Sara was ruining her evening; she wanted Sara to continue for Sara's sake.
Alaney could feel slight tears of joy begin to trickle down her face. She was trying to hold them back though.
"Stop her, Alaney! She doesn't need to do this. It's too painful for her. Stop her. Tell her you know. Everything's fine between you guys now, she doesn't need to do this" Michelle demanded.
"I know. But please Michelle, I need to know how she feels. Even if she doesn't love me I won't hate her. I'll understand. She was raped how can I expect her to love me? But if she does - that would be so special. I just need to know the truth and it sounds like she's going that to me" Alaney pleaded.
Sara composed herself and continued,
"All that was a start. But you still didn't feel like mine. It didn't sink in that you were mind for at least four days. You were gone and I couldn't forget you even though I thought it would be easy to. By day ten, I couldn't bare it anymore. I had to go to Miranda's and see you, against my mother's wishes! You see we were staying with my grandparents because my mom had had a fight over the situation with my dad and so my mom moved out with me. I had to get two buses and a train to come see you that day. Miranda suspected I'd come. She was really helpful, really happy to see me. It was the first time I had seen you since it had sunk in that you were mine. It was amazing. Completely different to before! I held you in my arms and I felt all warn instead. I had butterflies in my stomach. I looked into your eyes and realised it wasn't a dream - you really were mine! And you know what? - It felt so good. You made me feel happy!" Sara confessed.
Alaney couldn't help it anymore. She was so happy. She had tears streaming down her face.
"It was so hard watching you growing up right next to me. My dad absolutely banned showing affection towards you, and my mom just went along with it. She didn't want me to take on what I couldn't handle - in essence, you! So, we shut you out of our lives. Well practically! You were our daughter and granddaughter, but we treated you like a distant relative or something. And for that I'm sorry - that wasn't fair to you!" Sara told her publicly.
Alaney smiled. It was one of the things she had been dying to hear.
"Of course, as you probably noticed the affection ban was hard. We used to go overboard and refuse to look you in the eye or we'd avoid you. But it was only because every time I looked you in the eye I fell so deep in love with you. It was only because every time I looked you in the eyes you just seemed so perfect! Everyone loved you and adored and you were mine. You have this habit of being able to make anyone talk to you. Just like my mom! I just wanted to run up, throw my arms around you and tell the world you were mine! I shut you out because every time I looked you in the eye I had to fight the overwhelming urge to grab you and run away with you. Over the years, the older you got, I fell more and more in love with you. I was so privileged though to have been able to watch you grow up!" Sara continued.
Sara had to stop because she was so tearful again. Her pride of Alaney being hers was too much for her to continue just yet.
"It was a privilege!" Sara added proudly.
Alaney couldn't help but cry even more. She was just so happy to hear this words.
"I did consider over those years telling you the truth. I decided it was unfair to you and Miranda. You two had set up a life together and I might ruin that. It got a lot easier when I moved away to college. But then I came back and you were there again. Then I moved to Las Vegas and it got easier. Then you came to stay with me and the urge was the hardest it ever was to fight. You don't know how many times I nearly came out and said it! But I got stage fight and I was scared you'd hate me. As time went on, well it got past the point of being able to tell you. I couldn't just come out with it! On top of that I was scared you'd do stupid things if you found out who your father was. So I had to make sure I didn't tell you." Sara explained.
Sara took a long pause, looked down and started to play with her hands nervously. She took a deep breath and finally looked up.
"A lot of that stuff I just told you isn't news to me. Some of it might not even be news to you. But the rest of what I realised us quite a shocker to even me. I sat down this afternoon and faced my fears. I actually sat down and asked myself why I gave you up. Did I give you up because you disgusted me? Did I give you up because it would ruin my career plans? You know stuff like that. I finally faced up to the truth of how I felt about you back then. And I have to tell you - it isn't all bad news. I really think you need to know what I discovered today. You see I do love you. I really do and I've realised over the last few months how unloved and rejected you felt because you were abandoned. I know you hate me for it and to be truthful - I hated myself for it too. But I never let myself think about why I did it. I told myself it was obvious - I was 14 - I couldn't raise a child! It would be impossible! But it wasn't impossible. It would have been hard but still possible. The least I could have done was beg my parents to raise you as their own or help me raise you. But I didn't. And I was scared to work out why. I was scared I was a selfish person. I was scared that I did it for my career. I was scared I did it to avoid social stigma. But when I actually sat down and thought about why I got rid of you. Why I had a burning desire to get you out of my sight and as far away as possible - I finally realise why I had felt like that. Why, at least, I didn't want you raised in my house. And I swear to God it's the honest truth. You see when I sat down and thought about it - it wasn't because of my career. It wasn't because of social stigma in case people found out. The reason I wanted to get you away from me and that house so badly - was because I wanted to protect you! I used to give it as some lame excuse to you and myself but I never believed it to be true! But when I sat down and thought about it - it was. The only reason I wanted you out of my house was because there was no way in heaven or hell that I was going to let you grow up in that house with my parents. Believe me when I say you were in danger! It's not just the 'fighting' that goes on in that house. In fact that's another reason I didn't want you in that house - for sanity of mind. He may not hit you but he'll destroy your sanity with his mind games. I'm 33 years old and I still don't have a clue about whether that guy feels anything for me. On top of that there's the psychological damage caused by standing by as he destroys my mother. She'd be your mother or your grandmother and it would kill you, Laney! You think you can stand it and that you can simply just ignore it. But when your actually there you can't! It would have killed you inside. But it isn't actually the sanity issue that's the main problem. It's the danger! And believe me my darling you would have been in so much danger! My dad seems determined to kill you. I knew from the day you were born he would. You don't need to know exactly why but believe me he has issues with people finding out your mine. And you know what? I would go as far to say that my dad is probably determined to hurt you in some way or another just to spite me! Because he knows I love you and your special to me. What better way to hurt me than by the heart? He can't let anyone have a normal, healthy life! He just can't. He would never have let you ever. He destroys everyone in his immediate family. He's determined to" Sara explained.
At this point Sara burst out crying.
"I just wanted you to have a normal, healthy life! Even though I didn't know you then I just wanted you to because you were mine! I didn't want you to get caught up in the web of destruction that is my family. No one can come out in one piece. Even Daven's screwed up! He's the sanest admittedly but that's probably because Libby isn't actually his mom and because he didn't live with us for the majority of the time. He loves my mom so much though! She is like a mother to him and it does kill himself inside to be there when they fight. In fact it probably kills him more because of the guilt. The guilt he feels because out of the two of them his biology parent is the monster. But do you know what the worst thing is? Daven looks set to ruin his life - because he's petrified to get marry! He's petrified because at the back of his mind he's scared he'll turn out like dad. You know why? - Because dad's trying to convince him he will" Sara confessed.
Daven was sitting in the audience and hid his face his shame. He couldn't believe what his sister was admitting publicly about him.
"Which is stupid because he's completely against the way dad is. He thinks Dad's a monster! He's completely on my mom's side. But just petrified that it's genetic or something. He's petrified!" Sara told them.
Sara could vaguely see around the light that Daven was in the audience signalling for her to shut up.
"Anyhow", Sara continued, "the point is I didn't want you to turn out as screwed up as us. The irony is you did! By abandoning you - I screwed you up! And I'm so sorry for that! I did it so the opposite would happen! I love you and I'd never want to hurt you! He does want to hurt you though! That is why I'm begging you, darling - even if you don't come back to me - please! Don't go back to him! Even if he says he loves you he probably doesn't. And if he does love you then it's not enough for him to actually put you first. I'm not saying this to be spiteful or make you feel unloved, darling. It's the same with me, even the same with my mom. Even if he loves people - it's never as much as he loves himself. He prefers getting his pleasure than you being safe - even if he really does love you. It's questionable about whether that is even love. I don't know if he does have feelings for us, kid - I really don't! It's the kind of thing that I lay awake at night wondering about. I'm not sure if I'll ever know! All is know is what I've told you. If he loves us it's not enough for us to be safe with him. Please leave him immediately!" Sara pleaded.
Alaney felt sad. Ever since Michelle had told her Alaney had forgotten about her and Boby's special bond. She preferred Sara to him any day but she still cared. Now she didn't know what to think about that bond. She thought she could finally trust Boby. But if love wasn't enough then how could she ever trust Boby enough, to be alone with him, again.
It was at this point that Libby appeared at the back of the club. No Boby just Libby alone. She sulked at the back and heard the rest of everything that followed.
"If you think my realising revelation 1 was a shell shock to me - and probably you - then you should hear revelation 2. Number 2 was really a jaw dropping experience for me because I couldn't have expected this one to be true!" Sara disclosed.
Sara took a deep breath.
"I was sat thinking to myself about everything. About my life since you were born, about how I feel about you and about how unhappy I've been. And that was when it hit me. After a lot of thought, a lot of soul searching and a lot of talking to the bottom of my heart deep down. After a lot of reality checking, a lot of self-evaluation and after a lot of re- evaluation. I realised what had happened in my life. I realised how unhappy I've been and how I could have avoided my downfall into such unhappiness" Sara explained.
"Use protection?" A woman whispered to her friend giggling in the corner.
Alaney and Michelle turned and gave the woman an evil look. Luckily Sara didn't hear any of it.
"I realised why I was unhappy" Sara told them.
Sara took a deep breath and admitted,
"I should have kept you"
Libby was astounded by this revelation. She couldn't believe her daughter would think such a thing.
Michelle and Alaney were quite surprised.
"Not having you made me unhappy. I should have run away from my parents and raised you from day one" Sara confessed.
Sara looked like she was still dealing with this self-revelation. It had definitely been a surprise to her.
"I'm not sure how I would have initiated it. I mean it never crossed my mind when you were born to keep you. I suppose at the back of my mind I always thought that my mom was nineteen and she couldn't look after me - so how could raise a baby at 14?. But I realised I realised today that I'm different to my mom and I have to realise that. Most people younger than her did cope with a kid. And yeah I was younger - but people of fourteen have coped before haven't they? - why shouldn't I?. And I know it would be hard and I'm not entirely sure how we would have pulled it off. But I know I should have!. I know I would have done anything anyhow to have you, to raise you, to feed you and protect you. I might not have been able to get you private schooling but I reckon you'd still be a genius anyhow! I wish I could go back and raise you myself because it breaks my heart to have not raised you myself! I was lucky enough to see you grow up but I never had a hand in that growing up! I never got the chance to take you for your first day at school. I never got the chance to hear you say your first words. I never even got the chance to look after you when you were ill - and as time consuming and icky that sounds I would have loved to! I'm not sure when and where I could have decided to grab you and run away with you. Maybe I should have taken you and run away with you when I got that urge in the hospital. But all I know is if I could go back now I would have run away with you. Even now we could start again and try to be mother and daughter - but it will still be 18 years too late. You're all grown up! You're practically a fully-grown adult. I will never be able to get your childhood back! And I can have more kids but they'll never replace that! I would love you all the same but their growing up won't be your growing up. That will never come back to me!" Sara sobbed.
Sara paused for breath as she had got herself in a state and solemnly bowed her head.
She recovered and continued.
"Let me explain why I've decided all this. You see you said that I was selfish. That all I wanted was my Ivy League school and my wonderful job. Both were and are brilliant, I admit!. I loved Harvard. I finally felt at home and felt like I belonged. And I love my job" Sara explained.
Sara paused.
"But I would exchange all that for you. I love you so much and you give me so much more joy than either of those ever did" Sara confessed
Alaney cried even more at this point and gave a tearful but delightfully touched smile.
"And for a long time before today I was scared. I was scared that I might had chosen Harvard over you. But I realised today that I hadn't!. I had just simply wanted to protect you!. I didn't want you to be unhappy!. You were Miranda's and I had no right to take you back once I'd give you to her - no matter how much I wanted to! I made excuses to myself that I couldn't let my feelings for you get in the way of my career plans but in truth it was all a front to protect you! Then when I found out you weren't happy with Miranda I thought it would break your heart to find out that I was the one who betrayed you. But let me reassure you - wherever I went I never forgot you! I always felt like you were there. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about you. I kept your photo with me everywhere. I tried to forget about you, but I just couldn't! Your amazing and even people who aren't your mother think that - how could I not love someone like you?" Sara told her.
Sara sighed.
"I thought giving you away would make you go away. The only thing I'd have to worry about was your protection. I thought it would be easy but it was the complete opposite! I couldn't forget about you - no matter what I tried. I thought giving you away would make me happy but the truth is it ruined my life! From the day I gave you away I was never truly happy again!. You coming to stay with me was the only thing that has made me truly happy. My life stopped the day you were born and since that day my life has just been a disaster. I should be settled down married and with kids now but I just couldn't. I couldn't move on with my life until I had you back. So I paused life - especially when I got out of college. It should have been the beginning but it was the end. I threw myself into work, didn't get close to too many people and never let myself commit to relationships because unconsciously I was waiting for you. I unconsciously put my life on hold for you. I took a pause in my life except that pause has been 18 years!. I'm 33 years old and I've suddenly realised that life has slipped me by. I have no life. I just work and sleep. I still feel like that 14-year-old girl. I stopped for a second and 18 years past by in the mean time. And I can't start living again until I have you as my daughter back in my life. I thought I could ignore you and move on but I couldn't!. You think I'm selfish and put my happiness first. Well I gave you up and look at me now!. Is this what you call happy, Alaney?!?. Giving you up ruined my life! - because I need you!. You are the solution and I never took the solution so I suffered!. I didn't take the solution because I thought you'd be happier the way you were but you weren't!. Everything is just so screwed up!. I can't keep living like this Laney - I need you and I know you need me too! Let us help each other heal! Please!
Sara had got herself in a state and needed to calm down.
"I don't know what else to say or do to get you to forgive me. I'm sorry. I wish more than ever I had kept and never given you away - because then I could have had a life. Then I would be happy!. And I'm unhappy. I've wasted half my life away being unhappy about leaving you" Sara concluded with a sound of defeat in her voice.
Sara couldn't continue as she burst into tears. Alison came over and comforted her.
Libby had been listening to all this and it broke her heart. She realised how much not having Alaney had destroyed Sara. Libby had always thought keeping Alaney away would make it easier for Sara but it clearly didn't. Libby sulked away, as she'd come in, without anyone seeing her.
"I thought giving you up would make me happy. But it did the complete opposite!. And you know what? - you're right. I am selfish! All I care about is my happiness - that is why I wished I had kept you. Because I wouldn't have felt guilty so I'd be happy! Because I would be happy because your presence makes me happy and because you'd be happy and that makes me happy!. It's all my selfish instinct! But so what? - everyone is selfish! The only reason you want your kid to be happy is because when you see them happy it makes you happy!" Sara admitted almost like she were drunk.
Sara thought to herself for what else to say. She couldn't think anything. That was it. Her last hope. All she could think of to do she had done.
"I love you" Sara concluded lost for words.
But Sara couldn't finish there. Secretly she didn't want to finish because she was scared Alaney would turn around and still hate her.
"Please forgive me. My decision mucked up both our lives. I never had another kid because I could never forgive myself for giving you up. I was a bad mother to you, so I figured I couldn't be a good mother to anyone else. I don't know how, I don't know where but I know I should have raised you myself! Fourteen or not! It was the only solution and I blew it!" Sara told her.
"I love you. Please forgive me" Sara finished her appeal, sounding defeated.
She looked out to the audience but all she could see was the bright lights staring in her eyes. She couldn't see Alaney's reaction through any of her speech. What was Alaney thinking? Was she going to forgive Sara? Sara pondered.
"Wait! Before you say anything! I want to sing you a song. I wrote many songs about you but this is probably the most profound for me. It's so fitting to describe how I feel about you and the years. Plus you've heard the songs I wrote for you but you've never seen me sing them in dedication of you. So Michelle, I need you and your band. I want to sing 'I'd rather be in love' please" Sara announced.
"But" Alaney said.
"Let her", Michelle told Alaney as Michelle got up, "It will be good for her".
So, Sara performed the song in dedication and to Alaney herself. Michelle joined in the chorus but Sara sand the verses alone. Alaney cried tears of joy the whole way through. It was the best moment of her life. ("I cannot help it I couldn't stop it if I tried. The same old heartbeat fills the emptiness I have inside. And I've heard that you can't fight love, so I won't complain. Because why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on?.
Because when there's you, I feel whole. And there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone. And I'd rather be in love with you.
Turn out the lights now. To see is to believe. I just want you near me
I just want you here with me. And I'd give up everything only for you
It's the least that I could do.
Because when there's you, I feel whole and there's no better feeling in the world.
But without you I'm alone and I'd rather be in love with you
And I feel you holding me. Why are we afraid to be in love?
To be loved. I can't explain it. I know it's tough to be loved. And I feel you holding me.
When there's you, I feel whole and there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone. And I'd rather be in love. Yes, I'd rather be in love
Oh, I'd rather be in love with you")
Sara finished and waited. She found she was shaking with fear.
Through the lights Sara suddenly saw Alaney appear. Alaney was smiling. Alaney looked delighted.
"Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up you silly idiot! You didn't need to say any of that! You didn't need to sing that! I love you!" Alaney shouted while running up joyfully.
They hugged.
Sara was so delighted and so relieved. She cried tears of joy.
"None of that needed to be said because I know the truth! I know everything! I know about my father!. You don't need to feel anything for me and I'd understand! I don't understand how you can love me though" Alaney added.
"What? But how do you know? Who told you?" Sara asked.
Her reply echoed across the microphone and Sara realised that if Alaney really did know about Boby and the rape then they needed to discuss this in private.
"Umm, we've got to go. Michelle come up and sing" Sara commanded.
"But" Michelle was about to say something.
"Now! Why do I have the overwhelming feeling this has something to do with you?" Sara responded angrily.
Sara grabbed Alaney and took her off the stage. The audience sighed with disappointment - they wanted their soap opera.
"What do you mean you know?" Sara asked surprised.
"I know you were raped. And you don't need to worry - I don't care who my father is. He's a bastard and I don't want anything to do with him. I don't want to know him. I don't even want to see what he looks like! No wonder you wouldn't tell me who it was" Alaney replied.
"But you don't know who it is?" Sara asked.
"I don't want to know" Alaney reassured her.
"Anyway forget about that. Do you forgive me?" Sara asked.
"Of course, I forgive you silly! You didn't need to say that you should have kept me! You were raped none of it was your fault. I was not your responsibility! Why didn't you tell me the circumstances, silly?!? You let me blame you and hate you! Of course I wouldn't have blamed you! It wasn't your fault! But as you never corrected me I assumed it wasn't an option. I don't know I never thought you could be raped. Stuff like that only happens on tv. I know Boby does that but I also know he's rare. You poor thing! - being raped and having a dad like that! Irony's cruel hand of fate, hey?" Alaney told her.
Sara gave a pathetic laugh.
"It doesn't matter if I was raped I still shouldn't have gave you up. It wasn't fair to you!" Sara declared.
"I can't believe you! I can't believe you'd love me! I can't believe you would even want to look me in the face! How can you love me, let alone want me. after you were raped to get me?" Alaney asked.
Sara looked shocked. She touched Alaney's face in affection.
"It doesn't matter where you came from. You're still my daughter I can't help but love you!. You can't just turn the love button on or off - I should know! - I tried! Anyway, how can I not love you? Everyone thinks your amazing and your all mine! I know I didn't raise you but I created you and so I did have a part in making you as wonderful a person as you are" Sara remarked affectionately.
Alaney broke out into tears.
"I'm so sorry! I was such a cow to you!" Alaney confessed.
Sara hugged her.
"You didn't know. I should have told you. I just didn't want you to feel guilty or do something stupid when you found out how you were born" Sara replied.
"You see. You're an amazingly caring person and I called you horrible names about you being the complete opposite! Not only am I a omen to you but I'm an ungrateful pain in the arse too" Alaney sobbed regrettably.
"You see your doing it already! I knew you'd blame yourself! You have nothing to feel guilty for. You made everything good again. Do you know what Miranda herself said to me?" Sara told her.
Alaney shook her head.
"Well, let me put it the way she did. How do you cure a nettle sting?" Sara asked.
"I don't know - cream?" Alaney suggested.
"No, a dock leaf, silly! And where do you find dock leaves?" Sara asked.
"Next to the nettles. But what do you mean? I don't understand" Alaney added.
"Yes, I was raped and it was a terrible thing. But then you came along. You were the dock leaf and it was the nettle. You were the cure - the solution!. I just never took the cure. You were this amazing cure and I ignored it. You're not an omen! - you're the opposite! - I was lucky to have you after the rape!" Sara explained.
"What? You really think that?!? O.k., but it still doesn't make sense - I don't even live next to this rapist so the symbolism doesn't work" Alaney replied.
Sara smiled and gave a laugh at Alaney saying this.
"You came out of the rape - even better than a dock leaf! Nettles don't pop out dock leaves from themselves - you have to find them. You took no finding!" Sara told her.
They hugged sentiemntally.
"Oh I nearly forgot I've wrote a song too! I need to sing it to you! It seems even more fitting now" Alaney announced.
"But you hate singing" Sara laughed.
"I want to sing to you!" Alaney assured her.
"I'd love to hear it then" Sara replied.
So, Michelle and her band went on stage again. This time Alaney sang. She sang a song called 'All you wanted' that Michelle had helped her put into a song.
("I wanted to be like you. I wanted everything. So I tried to be like you
and I got swept away. I didn't know that it was so cold
and you needed someone to show you the way. So I took your hand and we figured out that when the time comes I'd take you away
If you want to I can save you. I can take you away from here
So lonely inside. So busy out there and all you wanted was somebody who cares
I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me. Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on. Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone
If you want to I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside
So busy out there and all you wanted was somebody who cares
Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone")
Sara was in tears throughout the whole song. As soon as the song finished Alaney run up to Sara and hugged her.
"That was wonderful! Yes, of course I want you!" Sara responded.
"As what?" Alaney asked as if the thought had just hit her.
"What?" Sara replied surprised and awkward.
"What are we going to be to each other?" Alaney asked worried.
Sara looked awkward, looked down and started playing with her hands.
"Whatever you want to be" Sara replied shyly.
"What do you want to be?" Alaney asked awkward and shy herself.
"What do you want to be?" Sara asked back.
Alaney shrugged.
"You, umm. You mentioned wanting to keep me back then and you mentioned you being unhappy without me being your daughter. Does that mean you want me to be, maybe? I know it will be hard and really weird. Feel free to say no. Don't feel guilty about it but I just thought I'd ask in case. Would you consider, maybe, trying out me being your dau - daug" Alaney stumbled nervously.
"Daughter! Yes! That's what I want too! I just didn't know whether you wanted it. I know it will be weird but we can try right?" Sara interrupted.
"Right!" Alaney exclaimed delighted.
They hugged tearfully. They were both so relieved they wanted the same thing and didn't embarrass themselves.
Sara grabbed Alaney's hand.
"Come on, let's sit down and get a drink. We need one!" Sara commented.
"Wait Sara!. There's something I've got to tell you!" Alaney panicked.
"What?" Sara asked concerned.
"I'm not going to Harvard" Alaney announced anxiously.
"Why? You said they accepted you" Sara responded.
"I don't want to move across country now when I'm only just getting to know you!" Alaney answered.
"But it's your dream!" Sara replied.
"No, my dream was to have my mother!" Alaney reminded Sara.
Sara took a deep breath and smiled.
"Well, your mother loves that you're going to be nearer!. So which Ivy League are you going to? One in California?" Sara asked.
"Las Vegas" Alaney replied reluctantly.
Sara looked gobsmacked.
"But there is no ivy league in Las Vegas" Sara responded almost sarcastic.
"Sara!", Alaney chided her, "I'm serious".
"But you worked so hard to get into Ivy League!" Sara responded.
"All I want is to be a CSI. Warrick and Catherine went there and they got to be CSIs and they're brilliant CSIs. And to be honest - I didn't work hard!. I'm not like you, Sara. I didn't work every hour God sends and I didn't hide behind books to avoid life. I was naturally clever. I only did enough work to get me my A's and the rest was natural cleverness. But you research so much further! - for fun!. I don't think I'd even fit in at Harvard. I don't enjoy studying!" Alaney explained.
Sara laughed and hugged Laney into her.
"And your going to pass Ivy League all for me?" Sara asked delighted.
"Of course! Like you said no question. The two of us comes first. I value being with you more than anything! I just want to be with you! We have so much lost time to make up for" Alaney reassured her.
"Well, being the selfish cow that I am - I'm secretly glad your staying here. I don't know how I would have coped if you'd gone far away!" Sara admitted to her.
They enjoyed each other's company for a short while and then Alaney sighed.
"I've got to move out of your parents now!" Alaney said.
"Why? Don't you want to?" Sara asked surprised.
"No, I do. I can't stand that man!" Alaney replied.
"Why can't you stand him?" Sara asked concerned that Alaney really did know.
"You put him in perspective for me up there. Plus he lied to me about begging you to keep me!. The opposite was true. On top of that, all that stuff you said about him never being able to love people enough to put them first. I've been such a fool! How could I have stood by and ignored all the pain he caused your mom, Catherine and all those women? The circumstances of my birth have really brought to life just how evil he is. He goes around doing what my father did to you. I can never love a man like that!" Alaney explained disgusted.
"So, why don't you want to move out?" Sara asked.
"Well, two reasons. One, even though he doesn't love me more than himself, I really do believe he's fallen in love with me. It will break his heart. Then secondly, what if he doesn't take the news well?" Alaney answered.
Sara put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll be with you. He won't do anything to you while I'm there" Sara reassured her.
Alaney smiled at Sara as a thank you.
"Hey, why don't you come home with me tonight? Leave the bust up till the morning. We can't exactly pack all your stuff up now anyway" Sara suggested.
Alaney smiled again. This was a relief to her. She could put off the consequences till tomorrow.