Sara was frantic as she arrived at the hospital desk yet again. The nurse
was used to this kind of reception from visitors to her ward.
"I'm here to see Alaney Rose and Elizabeth Sidle" Sara despaired to the nurse.
"Let's see. Alaney Rose is in room 418 and Elizabeth Sidle is in room 401" The nurse informed her.
"Thanks" Sara responded and smiled.
Sara turned to Michelle and Catherine.
"Would you guys mind staying here for now. Its just I really need some time alone with them both. Can you guys come in, in like twenty minutes or something?" Sara asked.
"O.k., but are you sure your going to be alright?" Catherine reacted co- operative but surprised
"Daven's here" Sara replied.
Sara gave an attempt at a smile and walked off.
The first person she visited was Alaney. Sara felt a strange sensation. Usually she was so concerned about her mother and naturally her mother would be the first one she'd rush to see. But this time her daughter was what mainly concerned her. Sara was sure Libby would understand, being a mother herself. Anyhow, Libby chose to be with Boby. Alaney didn't choose to participate in any of this. Alaney was the one who needed her right now.
There was a nurse checking Alaney's chart out as Sara entered. The nurse saw Sara and smiled. Sara smiled back.
"How is she?" Sara asked.
"She's awake" the nurse reassured Sara.
"Really?" Sara responded surprised but delighted.
"Yeah, she's been awake for about an hour now. She's just resting at the moment" the nurse replied.
"Is she going to be alright? Why is she unwell again?" Sara looked for answers.
"I'm sorry, I can't discuss this. I'll get the doctor and he'll explain. He's the expert" the nurse apologised.
"Sure. Thanks" Sara replied.
The nurse left and Sara went over to Alaney's bedside. She sat down and took Alaney's hand in hers. Sara stroked Alaney's face and consequentially Alaney woke up.
"Mom" Alaney delighted weakly.
"Hey baby. You've been scaring me again. What happened?" Sara replied.
Alaney was suddenly alarmed.
"Boby!" Alaney declared.
Alaney tried to get up.
"Did you hurt Boby?!? I'm sorry I had to call them. I was so scared for you! I didn't mean to get you in trouble. But! Oh where's Boby? Tell me he's alright!" Alaney panicked.
"Sshh. He's fine. Everything's fine. I'd never kill him! Everything's sorted. He's fit and well. Unlike you and mom!" Sara reassured Alaney calmly.
"How is your mom?" Alaney asked.
"As far as I know she's fine. I haven't seen her yet" Sara replied.
"Go see her" Alaney insisted.
"I'm going to" Sara assured her.
At that point, the doctor walked in.
"Alaney Rose?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah" Alaney replied.
"And you must be her mother" the doctor said to Sara.
The doctor came over and shook Sara's hand.
"Sara Sidle" Sara introduced herself.
"I'm Doctor Jessop. I'll be looking after Alaney for the next few days" the doctor introduced himself.
"What happened? My friend said her body needed to recuperate from stress or something?" Sara asked.
"Yeah that's right, basically" the doctor replied.
"That's all it took? Oh this is all my fault! You can't be dealing with all this, Laney" Sara stressed.
"None of this is your fault" Alaney reprimanded her.
"Will she keep collapsing like this? How can we make sure this won't happened again?" Sara panicked.
"As you know Alaney it's only been a month since Alaney's kidney transplant. Even though she's out of the resting period, she still needs to be careful. Avoid stress and drink more! You're not drinking enough! Are you?" the doctor insisted.
"Alaney! How stupid can you be?" Sara exclaimed.
"Gees thanks! Love you too, Sara! I know, I know. It's just ever since I found out you're my mom I've been a bit too pre-occupied to remember to drink a lot of water. So sorry! It won't happen in future. I'll drink I promise" Alaney told them.
"I'll release you in two days and then I want you to rest for another week but even after that I want you to continue to drink lots and try to avoid stress. Of course, sometimes you can't avoid stress. But try if you can. You should be fine anyhow. This is just a blip" the doctor told Alaney.
"Thank you doctor. She will" Sara responded as the doctor left.
"See I'm fine. Will you go and see your mother now, please" Alaney told Sara.
"O.k." Sara agreed.
Sara leaned down and kissed Alaney's forehead.
"I love you, you know" Sara reassured Alaney.
"I know. Send Libby my love" Alaney replied as Sara began to leave.
Before Sara went out the door they exchanged smiles.
As Sara approached her mother's room, she saw Daven sitting there by Libby's bedside. He looked worn down and sick with worry. Sara went in and he turned to see her. She smiled and he gave a worried smile back.
"Hey" she said, surprisingly calm.
"Hey" Daven responded, less together.
"How is she?" Sara asked.
"She's going to be fine. She'll be awake soon. She's just rest" Daven explained.
"Resting. Yeah, I heard. Alaney too. It doesn't stop them giving me heart attacks though!" Sara ended his sentence.
"I've been going back and forth between Alaney and Libby every half an hour" Daven told her.
"Yeah, I just saw Alaney. They hope she'll be awake soon" Sara lied.
"Yeah, oh that's good" Daven replied.
"Daven, she's been awake for over an hour now. You haven't seen her for hours have you?" Sara said.
"I'm sorry. I have seen her, I promise. But! Oh shit, Sara! Libby's like my mother! And I know Alaney is my biological sister and biological niece and I do love her but truthfully I hardly know her! Dad stopped me seeing her too remember! After about five trips back and forth, I just forgot to go back to Alaney. But I promise when they're both out of hospital I am going to try my hardest to get to know her. I love her I really do" Daven confessed.
"Daven, why are you here, full stop?" she asked.
"Your girlfriend is five months pregnant!" Sara continued.
"I know! But, I just can't let go of you guys. You still need me! I've still got to be there for you guys, new responsibilities or not" Daven admitted.
"No Daven! You've got to be your new responsibility. I can handle this. You've got to go home and see your pregnant girlfriend. That's what you've got to do. I'm here now. So, I can look after mom and Alaney" Sara argued.
"It's not that simple" Daven insisted.
"Yes, it is" Sara insisted.
"Siobhan's perfectly fine. She had a scan and everything's fine" Daven replied.
"Daven, that's not all you have to worry about. What about her? She probably feels like an elephant! She needs massages, aromatherapy and the love of her fiancée. She needs you and you are in a different state, Daven!" Sara lectured him as she sat herself down next to him and their mom.
"She's staying at her mom's and her mom is doing all that. Anyway, she's fine. She understands. They're all fine. You and mom aren't. You guys need me more" Daven explained.
"She's like my mom, Sara! I know she's too young and I know there were times when I was the one looking after her! But still she was there for me when my mom couldn't be. She soothed me to sleep and sang to me. And frankly she was more my parent than dad ever was! In fact she was more of my dad than dad ever was! She's my dad!" Daven responded.
Daven sighed.
"I love my mom and she's wonderful. But that doesn't mean Libby can't be really special to me too" Daven explained.
"I know all this" Sara reminded him.
"She's one of my best friends! She's one of the most important women in my life, and always has been, and she's lying here unconscious because of him!" Daven exasperated.
"She lies unconscious a lot. So what's different now?" Sara reminded him.
Daven sighed again.
"I don't think I can do this, Sara" Daven admitted.
"Do what?" Sara asked.
"Fatherhood! Marriage!" Daven exasperated.
"Daven, don't be silly. This is natural. It's natural to have second thoughts, especially someone with a father like yours" Sara reassured him.
"No, it's not just dad. Its about Libby and you too" Daven tried to explain.
At this point, Catherine entered the room quietly. Daven and Sara did not notice her as their backs were to the door.
Daven sighed.
"I used to think I could never love anyone as much as I love you!" Daven told Sara.
As soon as Catherine realised she was walking into the middle of a deep conversation she left quietly so as not to disturb them. Still Daven and Sara did not notice her.
Instead Sara gave a embarrassed laugh.
"I'm serious. I couldn't work out how I could fit someone else in my heart. Then Siobhan came along and she did fit in! I love you both so much but I love you both in different ways so you both do fit in my heart. But even so! Even though I love her so much! And we're having a kid! She's having my kid! And I'm going to have to give them my all! 99% of my life needs to be dedicated to them. What I'm trying to say is even love I love them, I just don't think I can do it!" Daven tried to explain.
"Daven, your not making sense. You can't just abandon them! What could be wrong if you love them?" Sara asked.
Tears began to fill up in Daven's eyes.
"I can't leave Libby and you. You guys need me" Daven explained.
Sara put an arm round her brother.
"Oh Daven, don't cry! It's so un-masculine or you. We'll be fine" Sara insisted.
"No, you won't. What was I thinking? I can't just leave you guys! How did I think this could possibly work out?" Daven responded.
"You're not leaving us" Sara reminded him.
"If I marry her and if we have this kid then they need to be my number one focus. You guys can't be my number one focus anymore" Daven stressed.
"Exactly. That's what you need to do" Sara told him.
"It's not that simple though! I can't just let go of you two. You've been my life" Daven replied.
"I know. Mom's been my life too. But you can't let that happen anymore" Sara told him.
"You don't need to give up on us, completely. You can come visit us. I mean I hardly see you anymore anyway. I live in a different state!" Sara said.
"No, no. I can't get married and have a family when I haven't sorted out our family!" Daven protested.
Sara sighed.
"Well, this isn't just going to go away, Daven. Dad isn't just going to go away" Sara reminded him.
"That's not true. There is a way" Daven reminded her.
Sara looked shocked. She suddenly felt herself on the verge of tears.
"You want me to go to the police, don't you? So this is entirely my fault is it? I've ruined your life and I can make it all simple? It's that simple is it?" she asked.
"Yes. No. I don't know what I want, Sara! O.k.? This is not your fault! I don't want to upset you! But it would work!" Daven replied.
Daven sighed.
"Look, Sara I don't know what I want. I don't want you to go to the police but I don't want to have to give you and mom up in this state. So, I don't know what to do" Daven explained.
"Well, you better decide what you want quickly because your fiancée is going to give birth in a month!" Sara told him.
Sara sighed.
"I'm sorry, Daven. I wish I could. I really do. But honestly, I know, I just can't ever go to the police, Daven! All those people knowing!" Sara exclaimed stressed.
"I know. I don't even want you to go! So what am I thinking? I know it would make you unhappy! Hell! Even I don't want to lose dad! But, oh! You know what? Forget it. It will all work out! I used to not think I could love anyone because of our bond but I did fall in love and this will all be sorted too" Daven replied.
Daven took her hand.
"Sorry. I shouldn't be putting this stress on you too. Sorry. Forget it" Daven told her.
"Daven. It will work out" Sara reassured him.
"I know" Daven agreed.
There was silence for a few moments. But Sara interrupted it.
"I do know what you mean, Daven. I'm 32 years old and honestly - I can't bare to not live without my mother. How sad is that? Whenever I have a bad day all I want is my mom! In fact I can't bare to live so far from you, too. We're all too close for our own good" Sara confessed.
"Why don't you move back to California if you're so unhappy?" Daven asked.
"I prefer living far away from danger to living so near to mom" Sara admitted.
Daven sighed and hugged his sister into his side.
Within half an hour, Sara and Daven were sitting in the corridor waiting for news on Libby. They had been asked to leave Libby as the doctors examined her. Within ten minutes of them being thrown out, Grissom came along. Sara told Grissom they couldn't see Libby because the doctors were examining her. So, Grissom sat down and waited with the pair. "How are you both?" Grissom asked.
"Alaney and mom are going to be fine. So we're fine" Sara replied.
"Speak for yourself. I'm frazzled" Daven joked.
"Ignore him. He's going through a bit of a personal crisis. It will blow over" Sara responded.
"I don't see how!" Daven replied.
"He's such a drama queen" Sara whispered to Grissom.
"Me a drama queen! You should see her when she's upset. She starts drunkenly singing along to the corniest songs ever written as she cries into her wine glass! It's quite hilarious!" Daven responded.
"I can't live if living is without you. I can't live. I can't live anymore" Daven impersonated a drunken Sara moping.
"I can't imagine you doing that" Grissom responded in Sara's direction.
Once Daven had finished making fun of Sara he suddenly remembered where he was and why he was there. He felt solemn again. This made Grissom and Sara solemn too.
They spent the next five minutes in silence before Sara broke it,
"I would never have killed him, you know" she told Grissom.
"My mom always brought me up to believe you should never kill a person unless it's self defence. Plus if you did have to defend yourself then you should try every other possible way and only kill them as a last resort. My dad made my mom's life a living hell and yet she never planned to kill him! I think she's amazing! She always taught me that we have no right to decide whether someone lives or dies. Even if they killed someone you don't have the right to kill them back because that would make you as evil as them" Sara explained.
"Sounds like good advice" Grissom agreed.
"I've always held that advice close to my heart. If she can still hold onto that after everything he's put her through, then so can I. She's right – there are millions of other solutions than to kill a person. Well, that's what I've always found" Sara explained.
Sara paused and became solemn.
"But when I was running after him, all those principles just went out my head! All I could see was like this black cloud. I don't mean literally. You know what I mean. He messed with my daughter and me and he was just getting away with it! I wanted to make him pay! But when it came down to it, I realised – I have no justification to kill him. I wasn't in danger and neither was my daughter. I just wanted revenge. I was planning a cold- blooded murder! I would have never gone through with it, though. There were so many others ways to stop him and I realised that. Murder was not a valid option. So I tied him up to stop him hurting anyone else for a few hours. I stopped him, but not forever. When faced with the situation I could never go all the way. I promise, Grissom. I never will" Sara told him.
Grissom looked her in the eye and said,
"You don't need to justify yourself to me. I believe you".
Libby regained consciousness an hour later. Libby was due to be released in three days time.
Within a day, Alaney was released. Sara came to the hospital to collect her. Alaney's excitement to go home was dampen by her realisation that Sara wasn't excited too. Sara seemed to be acting strange. Sara was quiet throughout the journey. She hardly spoke. Sara was a far cry from the excited mother who had been to see Alaney in hospital.
"Are you okay?" Alaney asked concerned.
"No" Sara admitted.
"What's wrong? It's all over" Alaney reminded her.
"Is it?" Sara asked.
"Boby won't come near me now I have a restraining order and if you get one he won't go near you. Your mom's told your dad that there going to have a break from each other. She might even leave him. Everything's over" Alaney explained.
"I wish it was that easy" Sara replied.
"You don't think he'll obey it do you?" Alaney asked.
"Obey what?" Sara asked confused.
"My restraining order" Alaney reminded her.
"I don't know. He might do or he might not, I don't know. I can't get a restraining order against him" Sara explained.
"Why?" Alaney asked.
"Why do you think?" Sara responded.
Alaney thought about it. But soon she could tell by the look on Sara's face.
"Your still in the love with the man who tried to kill your daughter and your mother!" Alaney exclaimed disgusted.
"You can't help who you love" Sara replied.
Sara stopped the car.
"Here we are" Sara said.
Alaney looked out the window. They were at Catherine's.
"You didn't mention anything about us visiting Catherine on the way home" Alaney remarked,
"We're not. Look Alaney. I need you to do me a favour" Sara told Alaney.
"What kind of favour?" Alaney asked worried.
"I need you to stay with Catherine's for a week, maybe two. You might stay with my mom too. But I promise it won't be more than a fortnight. I packed you some cases and they're in the back of the car" Sara told Alaney.
"What? Why? Your daughter's just had a near death experience and now you want to get rid of her! You don't want to support me or savour the fact your only daughter, who you've only just been reunited with, didn't die?" Alaney exclaimed.
"It's not that simple, Alaney. Please! Just do it! Just" Sara exclaimed.
Sara didn't finish her sentence instead she burst into tears. Alaney felt guilty and put a comforting hand on Sara's back.
"What's wrong?" Alaney asked concerned.
"Don't worry. Just please I need a week off. I have a lot of, umm, issues to deal with and I just need a week to deal with them" Sara explained trying to hold back further tears.
"I could help you deal" Alaney suggested.
"No you can't, Alaney. Your just make it worse!" Sara declared.
Alaney was offended.
"Sorry" Sara apologised at her insensitive outburst.
"Look Sara! If you don't want me then just tell me. Don't bother pussy footing around and only letting me into your life because you feel guilty or something. I only want to be part of your life if you want me" Alaney informed Sara.
"No Alaney, I do want you! I just need a week off from being your mom. Just one week" Sara explained.
"Isn't a eighteen year break enough?" Alaney rebuked.
"It's a lot to take in you know. Your daughter coming to invade your life. I just need a week off, that's all" Sara commented.
"Oh I've invaded your life have I?" Alaney remarked.
"I don't mean it like that!. Don't be silly. Please, Alaney, for just one week can I be alone?" Sara pleaded.
Alaney thought for second.
"Fine!" Alaney agreed but was sulking.
Alaney stormed out the car in a huff and stormed over to the back of the car to collect her stuff.
"Alaney, don't be like this! Please" Sara pleaded.
"I'll see you when you can be bothered to collect me! If you can be bothered to collect me!" Alaney huffed.
Alaney stormed up Catherine's path to her door. Catherine answered and Alaney slammed the door behind her before Sara could make a move to come in.
As soon as Sara returned back to her flat, she burst into tears. She knew this was going to be a bad week and she knew there would be lots of tears, but she hadn't expected the tears to start as soon as she got into the flat. As chance would have it she did begin crying as soon as she got to the flat, over Alaney's reaction to the separation. Alaney had triggered all her emotions to flood out.
Sara got into bed and hardly got out of bed for a whole week. She just lay there thinking and crying, thinking and crying, thinking and crying.
A few visitors came and went.
Grissom came but he could not cheer her up. She told him she was upset because she had thought about killing her father. She definitely didn't want Grissom in her flat this week.
Catherine didn't, on Sara's orders, come or call her about how Alaney was.
Matt Colgan came but he could not cheer her up. He and Sara still weren't officially dating. Since that night at the bar they had hung out and he had generally helped her out as a 'friend'. Sara said she couldn't handle a boyfriend in her life at the moment. He told her he would stick around as a friend till she was ready. On this particular week, Sara definitely didn't want Matt around. He did not know any of what had happened and she wasn't going to tell him. He had simply come round to hang out with her. She explained she was ill and needed to be alone. He offered to look after her and be her nursemaid. She told him that she had plenty of people to do that and did not need him. He said that he wanted to, though. She said no because he'll catch what she has. He said he didn't mind risking that to be in her company. She still affirmed her no. He offered to help one more time before she finally shouted, screamed and physically pushed him out her flat.
Janey visited. Well, she was staying there at the moment so she needed to see Sara at some point! Sara asked Janey if she would stay with Daven wherever he was staying. Janey, being a pushover and wanting to help her cousin Sara, agreed.
Daven came on day three. Sara didn't even want him around her during her mourning week. He couldn't understand it. He had always been the one to comfort Sara. Why didn't she want him now? Sara explained that she was having issues with dad and that Daven reminded her too much of their father. So Daven had to go.
Daven drove Libby round, at Libby's request, immediately after Libby was released from hospital. Daven didn't go in but instead waited outside in case Sara chucked Libby out. To Daven's surprise Sara did chuck Libby out. Sara explained to her mom that Daven would look after her because Sara was incapable of looking after anyone this week. Libby explained that was not why she had came round. Libby explained that in fact Sara's father had vacated their Las Vegas vacation home and gone into a hotel because Libby had informed him that she needed a break from him after he tried to kill her granddaughter. Sara asked if Libby was considering a permanent break and Libby said she didn't know. Daven couldn't work out why Sara didn't want Libby around. Sara always went to her mom when she wanted comfort. It couldn't be that Libby is biologically related to Boby, because she's not. Daven was very confused now. He spend the remaining days of 'mourning week' worrying about his sister.
The only person Sara would let visit her was Michelle. Everyone had always found their close relationship quite hard to understand. They were so far apart in age, appearance and dislikes. The only thing to link them was their music writing, but Sara and Michelle could have written songs with anyone else in their community.
Michelle came round on day two. Even though Michelle was staying there, she had avoided the place after hearing that Sara didn't want Janey or Alaney there. Even Michelle was surprised when Sara not only let Michelle stay but actually wanted Michelle to stay. Sara was not chatty or happy around Michelle. But the fact that Sara let Michelle run about after her was a big triumph. Michelle spent the first few hours after her arrival, running around trying to make sure she had offered Sara every possible thing to comfort her or cheer her up. After she couldn't think of anything else to do and still could not get Sara out of bed she tried talking to Sara.
"What's wrong baby?" Michelle asked stroking Sara's hair.
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara responded as silent tears fell down her cheek.
"You were fine when Alaney was in hospital" Michelle commented.
"I had to be. But now it's time for me" Sara replied.
"Do you feel guilty for trying to shoot your dad? Is this what this is all about? Do you feel guilty for not shooting your dad?" Michelle suggested.
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara replied.
"A problem shared is a problem halved" Michelle responded.
Sara turned over onto her other side, away from Michelle.
"Are you regretting taking Alaney into your life?" Michelle asked.
"No! God no!" Sara responded.
"Are you upset because everyone should have known you'd never kill anyone?" Michelle asked.
"I don't have the capacity to worry about that, right now" Sara replied.
"Look it's over now. All the drama is over. You should be relieved! Happy!" Michelle suggested.
"It will never be over!" Sara rebuked.
"I know" Michelle comforted her solemnly.
Michelle paused.
"Did it bring back bad memories about what happened between you and your dad?" Michelle asked cautiously.
Sara began to cry more. Michelle sighed.
"That's it isn't it" Michelle said sadly.
Sara turned back to face Michelle.
"He scared you" Michelle suggested.
"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse! I had taken every measure to make sure he could never attack me in anyway again and it failed!" Sara whined.
"Sara, everyone knows he beat you up this time, Sara. The cuts and bruises on your face and body said it all. They can help you get over it. I know you like to pretend that your mom's the only one he hurts but everyone knows he's hurt you before too. It's o.k. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Talk it over with them" Michelle told her.
"I thought he could never overpower me again, but he did! No matter how much self defence I learn or how much I try to avoid him, he can just knock me out, tie me up and I'm powerless!" Sara sobbed.
"You can do the same to him, remember?" Michelle suggested.
Sara burst into a crying fit. Michelle put her arms round Sara.
"I know, I know. Sshhh. It's all over now" Michelle comforted her.
"No! It will never be over Michelle!" Sara responded.
"I know it feels like that right now but that's not necessarily true. And if you think like that then you let him win. You can't let him control your mind, Sara. Even if he can control you physically, don't let him control you psychologically" Michelle told her.
Michelle paused.
"There is a way you can stop him" Michelle said.
Sara didn't bite Michelle's head off; she didn't even speak. She just slowly shook her head and lay down on her bed again.
Michelle began to stroke Sara's hair again.
"It happened again" Sara told Michelle.
"I know" Michelle reassured her.
"No, I don't think you understand. It happened again" Sara cried, desperately trying to communicate to her cousin.
Michelle couldn't understand fully.
"What happened again? Lots of things could have happened again, Sara. Be more specific otherwise my imagination might be running too fast ahead here" Michelle panicked.
"What happened again? He beat you up again? He had control over you again? He tried to kill Alaney again? He beat your mom up again? You felt like killing him again? You're pregnant again? He tried to rape you again? He did rape you again? You love him again? You've lost Alaney again? He's come into your perfect little life and mucked it up again? What has happened again, Sara? Are we talking what I know or is there something I don't know? Sara you're scaring me" Michelle clarified.
The next day, on the other side of town, Catherine entered her guest bedroom where Alaney was sat staring out the window moping. Alaney was still not over her rejection.
"I've made you some cookies" Catherine declared.
"I'm not five, Catherine. Sorry, I shouldn't snap at you. It's not your fault my mother's abandoned me" Alaney replied.
Catherine came over and sat next to Alaney.
"Your mom loves you a lot you know" Catherine reassured her.
"Then why doesn't she want me for a week?" Alaney asked.
"I don't know. She didn't say. She just said she needed a week alone" Catherine answered honestly.
"She let Michelle stay. Michelle called me and told me. I asked her what was wrong with Sara and Michelle said she knew but she couldn't say and that she could understand why Sara wouldn't want me around. She said that she didn't think Sara would be alright in a week but Sara seemed to insist that all she needed was a week to mourn whatever she is mourning" Alaney explained.
"Mourning?" Catherine asked.
"Don't ask me. Have not got a clue!" Alaney added bitter.
"I'll leave you to be alone. If you want some company, Lindsay and I will be downstairs" Catherine told her, as she left the cookies by Alaney's side.
"Thanks" Alaney gestured.
Half an hour later, Alaney did come down. Catherine was in the kitchen making pancakes and Lindsay was watching television in the living room.
"What's with the home maker of the year award?" Alaney asked.
Catherine laughed.
"I just want to make you feel better" Catherine confessed. "What by making me fat?" Alaney joked.
"Thank you and I'm sorry. I shouldn't take my frustration out on you of all people" Alaney admitted.
"Don't worry. I understand your upset" Catherine gestured.
"You need some help there?" Alaney asked.
"Sure grab some maple syrup and flavour these with it" Catherine replied chirpy.
They had been happily cooking and chatting for ten minutes, when Catherine suddenly looked pale. Catherine ran over to the sink and threw up. Alaney looked like she'd seen a ghost. Catherine came back over to the cooker and carried on cooking like nothing had happened. But Alaney didn't carry on.
"When's it due?" Alaney asked annoyed.
"What due?" Catherine asked, pretending to be oblivious.
"Catherine you've had a 'stomach bug' for 2 months now! So cut the crap and tell me what's really going on. Your either pregnant or your undergoing chemotherapy. Either way you're hiding something from me. I'm guessing that you're pregnant" Alaney responded.
Catherine looked guilt.
"Now, I'll ask you again. How many months pregnant are you?" Alaney demanded.
"Three months" Catherine admitted.
"I don't believe this! Why didn't you tell me? No one else seems to know! How long have you known?" Alaney asked.
"One and a half months" Catherine admitted.
"Does anyone else know?" Alaney asked.
"No one" Catherine confessed.
"What? Why? It's going to be showing soon! When were you planning to tell everyone? The day before you go into labour? What were you hoping no one would notice?" Alaney responded.
Alaney put her hand on her face in stress and sighed.
"Why have you been hiding it? This is good news right? Don't you want it?" Alaney asked.
"I want it. I think I'm at that time in my life where I want another child before it's too late" Catherine reasoned.
"So what's the big secret about? Does the father know? Who is the father? Catherine I've known you for 4 months and you haven't mentioned any man in your life! You haven't even mentioned one night stands! Who is it?" Alaney said.
"I'm not telling the father" Catherine confessed.
"Oh it's like that" Alaney responded.
"I'm pretty sure he won't want to know. Anyway, I'm not letting this child go anywhere near the father" Catherine admitted.
"Does Lindsay know?" Alaney asked.
"No" Catherine admitted.
"Why?" Alaney asked.
"Because I know what she'll ask and what everyone will ask" Catherine admitted.
"What will they ask?" Alaney asked.
"They'll ask who the father is" Catherine admitted. "Why do you care if they ask that? They either know him or they don't. If he has nothing to do with this baby then why does it matter if you tell them" Alaney asked.
"It matters. It will matter a lot to some people in particular. We know those people" Catherine told her worried.
Alaney sat Catherine down and sat next to her. Then Alaney put her hand on Catherine's, looked her in the eyes and said,
"Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. It's your decision to tell people. I was just angry because there's obviously something wrong. Tell me what's wrong. It won't go any further than these four walls, I promise. Go on" Alaney told her.
Catherine sighed and put her hands on her face in stress.
"I haven't had sex in six months, Alaney!" Catherine admitted.
"That's impossible. You can't get pregnant without having sex" Alaney laughed.
"You don't need to have sex to get pregnant. All you need is sperm to get to the vagina" Catherine responded.
"You had IVF and now you regret it!" Alaney answered.
"Nope" Catherine replied.
"You weren't going to have sex but you both ended up naked and things just got a little bit too messy and that's lead to this accident" Alaney guessed.
"Kind of" Catherine answered.
"Don't worry, the same thing happened to a friend of mine" Alaney reassured her.
"Oh my god! It's Grissom isn't it!" Alaney guessed.
"What? No!" Catherine replied.
"Sorry, it's just. Well, you know. You and Grissom can be" Alaney explained.
"Completely platonic" Catherine answered.
"I'm fed up guessing Catherine. Who's the father?" Alaney asked.
"Why does it matter?" Catherine asked.
"Because it's obviously an issue and it obviously matters to you! So tell me what on earth it is, Catherine please!" Alaney replied
Catherine was hesitant to answer, but eventually did.
"In five months, I have only had one experience that could possibly of got me pregnant. No sex, no foreplay, no nothing" Catherine told her.
"With?" Alaney urged.
Catherine paused.
"Boby" Catherine admitted.
Alaney couldn't believe her ears. She looked like she'd seen a ghost.
"No, no. It can't be! Sara came in in time!" Alaney insisted.
"Not in enough time" Catherine admitted.
"Are sure?" Alaney asked.
"Nothing else in five months, Alaney! He's only person it could be!" Catherine insisted.
Alaney put her hands on her face.
"Oh shit!" Alaney remarked.
"Now do you know why I don't want to go broadcasting it around?" Catherine responded.
"Sara's going flip! She's going to be so upset!" Alaney remarked.
"Exactly" Catherine remarked.
"And how do I tell my kid that her sister is the result of some failed attempt by a rapist?" Catherine added.
Catherine paused.
"And he's your grandfather. This baby is going to be your cousin" Catherine told Alaney.
"Yippee" Alaney remarked sarcastically.
"Oh Catherine, I'm so sorry. I'll help you every step of the way!" Alaney gestured as she hugged Catherine.
Sara spent exactly a week in bed. Then on the morning of the eighth day she woke up, got straight out of bed and shrugged off whatever she had been upset about. She was cheerily and bright again. She called Matt, apologised to him and asked him out on a real date. She said she was ready to really date. He was delighted.
Then she went and picked up Alaney. Everything returned back to normal as if the past week had never happened. Except Michelle and Janey had gone to stay with Libby at the vacation home instead of Sara's flat. Alaney seemed to have forgiven Sara but still seemed a bit quiet and pre-occupied with something. Sara was thankful that it didn't seem to be anything to do with Sara herself.
That evening Matt came round. Sara came out the kitchen area to answer the door. Alaney was sitting on the sofa watching the pair intently as they acted like smitten lovesick puppies.
Sara opened the door to find Matt holding a bunch of flowers for her. Her whole face lit up.
"Hey" he greeted her delighted to see her.
"Hey back" she replied smitten too.
"These are for you" he said as he offered her the flowers.
"Thank you" she replied still smitten.
"Come in. I'll just be a second" Sara offered.
Matt came in and Sara got her bag.
Alaney smiled at Matt.
"Hi" Alaney called, from the sofa.
"Hi. I don't think we've been formerly introduced have we. I'm Matt. Your Sara's cousin right?" he said.
They shook hands.
"No. I'm Alaney. I'm her" Alaney reciprocated.
"Sister! She's my sister" Sara interrupted rushing over.
Alaney was disappointed but said nothing. Sara could see.
"Yeap, her sister" Alaney lied.
"Ready to go?" Sara asked Matt.
"Sure. Did you have anywhere in mind?" he asked.
"Nope" Sara admitted.
"I know this great place on the other side of town. Wanna try there?" he suggested.
"Sure" Sara agreed smitten.
Sara turned and saw Alaney still sulking.
"Hey, I'll meet you downstairs in just a second" Sara told him.
Matt nodded and went out the door.
"I'm sorry. Just not yet, o.k.?" Sara told Alaney.
"Don't worry. I understand" Alaney half accepted.
Sara checked herself out in the mirror.
"Hey, you really like him don't you?" Alaney called.
"Yeah" Sara smiled.
"Well, good luck. You look lovely" Alaney commented.
"Thank you sweetie" Sara replied.
Sara smiled and kiss Alaney goodbye on the cheek.
"Have a good evening" Alaney added as Sara left.
"Will do" Sara called as she rushed out the door.
They did have a good evening. In fact, they had a wonderful evening. All until they got back to Sara's flat. Sara had asked Matt up to her flat with the excuse that she could get her dictionary out and settle their play argument over whether or not the word 'harebrained' was in the dictionary or it was just a made up word. They went upstairs, Sara got her dictionary and Sara was right – it was a word! Sara pretended to gloat and Matt tried to be a good loser.
"I had an IQ of 140 at the age of four! My mother is an English genius and she past all her knowledge onto me! Don't ever challenge me!" Sara joked.
"I won't! I won't after one final test. Where does this quote come from?: 'The miserable have no other medicine but hope'. Well then?"
Sara was stumped.
"I'll give you a clue then – it's a Shakespeare play" he told her.
"Macbeth?" she guessed.
"No!" he laughed
"Hamlet? King Richard? Tempest?" she guessed.
"Wrong, wrong wrong! You can't just guess till you get it right! It was Measure for Measure! I thought you were meant to be a genius!" he gloated.
"I never said that! Anyway, literature was never my strong point" Sara admitted.
"Oh yeah. Whatever! What did you get for literature?" he asked.
"An A, but I could only explain about five books in detail because they're the only books I studied or read. I was more a fan of fact books rather than fiction books" Sara explained.
"So you're a walking encyclopaedia then?" he joked.
"Kind of" Sara joked back.
"Well, I think that's cute" he gestured.
They smiled and locked eye contact. Then Matt went in to kiss her and she began to kiss him back. Within seconds she began pulling his clothes off. Suddenly he pushed her off.
"Woah! Slow down! One step at a time, Jessica Rabbit" he told her.
"What is it?" she asked impatient.
"Not just yet, o.k.?" he responded. "Please" Sara pleaded.
She tried again.
He became more resilient.
"I said no! Get off me! Gees!" he protested.
He moved to the far side of the sofa and held a pillow up in front of him.
"I've got to protect myself you. You man eater!" he joked.
Sara sighed and did not look pleased.
He snuggled up beside her and put his arm round he.
"Hey, there's more to a relationship than just sex, you know! I think we should get to know each other a bit better first. O.k.?" he reasoned.
"What's wrong? I thought you liked me" Sara asked.
"I do. I like you a lot! But it's still early days. Let's just take our time o.k.? It's only our first official date" he explained.
"Sorry" Sara said.
"Don't worry, I don't think I really did want to sleep with you. It's probably a good job you said no" Sara admitted.
"Whoa! What? Then why did you ask? I mean why did you just come onto me, quite strongly, if you didn't want to have sex?" he reacted.
Sara shrugged. She just got up and walked into the kitchen to get two glasses of wine.
"Sara! I mean it! Why did you come onto me?" he insisted.
He came into the kitchen area, turned her round and looked her right in the face.
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't know" she replied ashamed.
"Yes, you do. Tell me" he pleaded.
Sara paused and looked down ashamed.
"I didn't want to disappoint you" she confessed.
"Disappoint me! Sara, if you don't want to have sex with someone you shouldn't. Alright?" he insisted.
"Sure, in an ideal world where everything's simple!" Sara rebuked.
"No Sara, full stop" he insisted.
He didn't think Sara was listening to him.
"Sara, promise me your never have sex with me if you don't want to" he asked her.
"Fine" she blew him off and carried on getting the wine out.
"Sara, have you ever agreed to sleep with a guy when you didn't really want sex?" he asked.
Sara shrugged.
"I'll take that as a yes. Sara, you need to have more respect for yourself! Why don't you just say no?" he continued.
Sara sighed.
"Look, I didn't entirely not want to sleep with you tonight! In fact, I really wanted to! More than I ever have my life!" Sara explained.
"Liar" he accused her.
"It's true. I don't know! I don't know what I want! So I just let men decide for me!" Sara admitted.
"What? I don't believe I'm hearing this! Is our world really in this kind of state? Sara, listen to yourself!" Matt frustrated.
"Look listen! You want the truth? The truth is that tonight part of me has never wanted so badly to sleep with someone so bad - and yet another part of me has never wanted so badly to not to have sex! So I just don't know!" Sara confessed.
Matt sighed.
"How can that be true?" he asked.
"It just is" Sara replied.
"Well, promise you me, you won't sleep with me unless every part of your body wants to, o.k.?" Matt asked.
"Fine" Sara blew him off.
"I mean it" he insisted.
"Fine" Sara insisted.
"Promise me" he insisted.
"Fine!" she shouted at him.
He was quite taken aback.
Sara started to get ice out the freezer and pop it out of its container. She had her back to him. He just was still speechless. He just kept staring at her trying to work her out and figure out what to say to her.
"Sara?" he asked.
She ignored him.
"Sara!" he asked again.
"What?" she snapped.
He reconsidered.
"Nothing. I'll ask you another time" he answered.
She turned her back to him again and popped ice cubes out in a huff.
He just stood staring at her. She noticed.
"What is it?" she snapped.
"Nothing" he replied sorry.
He came over, put his arms round her and kissed her head.
"I'm sorry. It's not our fault" he said.
Sara reconsidered.
"No, I should be sorry. You were only being – well you were only being the nicest guy I've ever met! And I was a complete bitch back to you! Thank you. Thank you for caring enough to be concerned" Sara apologised.
Matt looked down and looked awkward.
"I better go. It's getting late" he excused himself.
"Please don't go. I'm sorry" Sara pleaded.
"You have nothing to be sorry about. I just think we need sometime to cool off from each other. So we can start again, afresh, tomorrow. How about we do lunch tomorrow?" he explained.
"That would be lovely" she agreed relieved.
He was about to kiss her but stopped.
"Afresh" he reminded himself.
He opened the door and she followed him over to it.
He was about to go when he re-considered. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't think of the words he wanted to say. Finally, the words did come out his mouth.
"You don't have a particularly high opinion of us men do you?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked confused.
"You think all men want is sex. That's not true, you know. That's just not true" he told her before finally leaving.
Sara closed the door behind her and lay against the doorframe. She put her hands on her face.
"Shit!" she exclaimed quietly.
She began to cry. First, they started gentle tears but soon escalated into floods of tears.
The next night didn't go without tension either. They had a lovely lunch. They had a lovely day. Then Matt made the mistake of asking Sara back to his place. He thought it would be fine because it was still only early in the evening and they had sorted out all that mess yesterday. This was a fresh start day, after all. So he drove them back to his after their long lunch and walk in the park.
They were sitting there, wine glasses in hand, laughing and joking when Sara came onto him again.
"What are you doing?!?" he exclaimed pushing her off.
"Oh what is the problem!" Sara exclaimed back.
"Your behaviour that's the problem!" he shouted back.
"I thought we'd agreed to lay off after yesterday" he told her calmer.
"I thought we were just talking about yesterday night. I thought you meant we just needed to go on another date" Sara argued defensively annoyed.
"No! I meant longer than 1 day, Sara!" he shouted.
Sara got up, got her bag and was about to leave.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Leaving. This obviously isn't going to work out" she answered angrily.
"What! So you're just going to dump me because I won't sleep with you! Are you really that desperate for sex?" he shouted.
"Why is sex such a big issue for you?" she shouted at him.
"Because it's such a big issue for you!" he replied calmly.
Sara looked horrified that he'd noticed any of this in her.
She sighed and then carried on as if he'd never said it.
"Most men would think they'd died and gone to heaven, by now. By no not you! Your some kind of prude" she shouted back.
"I'm not a prude!" he remarked annoyed.
"Sara, please! Wait. Calm down! Listen, I'm not a prude. I know I am acting a bit prudish. But frankly, I'm not used to women coming on so strong. Even those women I've met who come on as strong as you so soon do not take rejection of their proposal as badly as you. They usually understand that people are different and for me this is too soon. But frankly, Sara what makes me extra cautious to sleep with you is the fact that I have never met anyone who appears as fucked up as you about sex" he confessed.
"Excuse me?" she remarked annoyed.
"What was that comment about yesterday. About not wanting sex and yet offering it quite blatantly!" he replied.
"That is not screwed up!" Sara defended herself.
"Well, that's up for debate too! Your just going to have to accept that, to me personally, that is screwed up!" he exclaimed.
Matt sighed. So did Sara. They both calmed down.
"It's not just what you say that worries me, Sara. It's the look in your eyes. You look scared. So why on earth would you want to sleep with me if it scares you?" he asked.
Sara said nothing. She just sat down and put her hands on her face in stress.
Matt came
over, sat next to her and took her hand gently.
"It's o.k. You don't need say anything. I can already guess that answer. You want to talk about it?" he responded sympathetically.
"About what?" Sara asked scared.
"Something happened" he told her.
Sara looked away shocked. She didn't say anything. She looked away. No man had ever noticed anything different in her behaviour. No man had ever asked that when she had been dating them. She didn't know what to say or do. She didn't really want to tell him. So she just looked away.
"That's alright. You don't need to tell me exactly what happened or who it happened with. Just, please, can you give me just give me a nod to confirm that there is a something and that something is why this is such an issue for you. I just want to be aware of what's going on here. Did something happen to you in your past?" he asked.
She turned and looked straight at him. Her eyes began to well up with tears. She wanted to speak but she found she couldn't. So she just silently nodded.
He closed his eyes as he sighed. Then he turned to her, opened up his arms and she fell into his arms crying away.
"It's o.k. It's o.k. We'll deal with this. It's good I know. You don't need to tell me. You just tell me if you ever want to. Or not, that's good too. Whatever your comfortable with. I'm not going leave you. I promise, I'm not going to leave you because of this. We'll get through this. I promise" he reassured her.
She cried and he comforted her for about fifteen minutes before she finally calmed down. He got her some herbal tea he had at the back of his cupboard. As he was over there she found herself thinking, that she couldn't believe she'd just admitted that to him. She couldn't believe he knew. Was it that obvious? She felt so embarrassed. What must he be thinking of her?
He finished making her herbal tea and cam over with it.
"I know what your thinking" she accused her.
"What? That you're funny, smart and beautiful and that I'm lucky you agreed to go out with me?"
"You know your funny and your smart. And you're not so bad looking yourself" she smirked.
"But that's not what you were thinking" she regained her composure of seriousness.
"What was I thinking?" he challenged her cynicism.
"You think I'm a slut" she told him.
"No I don't!" he rebuked.
"Your thinking: How can she expect men to respect her if she acts like a slut?" she challenged him.
"I don't think you're a slut. I think it's your way of reacting to a bad situation" he told her.
"Go on then, if you're so clever. Tell me how I 'react'. Tell me why I do what I do. Go on Mr Anthropologist!" she challenged him.
"I think. You probably try give men sex, before they ask for it, because you're scared that when they do ask they'll demand it. Then your surprised when they have no respect for you or surprised when they use you for sex or you find them cheating on you. You come across so many men like this, and added to your bad experience, you conclude that all men must be like this and all men must only be after sex. How well am I doing so far?" he continued.
"Good. Very good, in fact" she admitted laughed.
"So, is that all to the theory or is there more? Seeing as you're doing so well" Sara challenged him playfully.
"It's not a laughing matter. Stop treating this like it's nothing. You worry me" he chided her.
Sara went serious again.
"Go on" she told him
He paused, but eventually went on.
"Well, you said that part of you was desperate to sleep with me and part of you wasn't. I was thinking about it last night and I might be able to explain it now. I think you try to sleep with as many men. No wait. You try to have sex as many times as possible, because your trying to dissolve away your bad experience and you think the more times you have sex and the more people you have sex with then the more likely it is that the memories of that bad experience will go away. But, it won't. So you figure you haven't found the right man yet, so you keep searching and hoping and try to get other possible 'right' men into bed, as fast as possible" he suggested.
"Now you see that's where you're wrong! Most of that was wrong actually" he delighted playfully.
"Well, tell me the way it is then" he responded.
"Some of that was near the truth, I'll grant you that. But most of it was wrong. I'll have you know that the men I've been with have helped the memories away. There was a time when I couldn't bare to have sex. But I kept trying and eventually I began to like it. It begins to slowly go away. So, the answer is no. I wasn't desperate to get you in bed for exactly that reason. With you it was a different reason. A complication to the whole bad experience" she explained playfully at first, but soon dulled to a serious tone.
"What reason?" he asked confused
"It's complicated. Well, no it isn't actually. It's pretty simple. I just don't want to talk about it" she explained.
"O.k." he accepted.
"Maybe one day" she told him as she placed her hand on his.
"Anyway, you made it sound like I was promiscuous! I am not promiscuous! When I'm dating someone I'm monogamous! I just don't wait particularly long to know people before I get into them into bed. Because of the reason you said" she protested.
"Your scared of men" he added
Sara laughed.
"Well, that's one rather to the point way of saying" Sara responded.
Matt paused. He placed his hand on hers.
"You know you don't need to be scared of me don't you" he gestured.
"Of course" Sara laughed him off and threw his hand away.
He put her hand on hers again.
"I mean it" he reassured her.
She looked away and gave it some thought quickly. Then she turned back to look at him, said nothing and then nodded. He kissed her forehead. She put her head on his shoulder, nestled into him and smiled. She had never felt so safe.
"When we have sex. If! I mean if you want sex! If you never want sex then that's fine. Even if we got married and were together forever – and you didn't want sex then that would be fine" he fumbled.
"Whoa soldier! You're telling me to slow down. It's only our second date!" she joked. "You know what I mean. If you never felt ready to have sex ever again then that would be alright with me" he told her.
"Matt, I can just about believe you are the sweetest man alive" Sara joked.
"I'm not the sweetest guy alive, Sara. You shouldn't have such low standards" he butted in.
"Let me finish! I can just about believe you are the sweetest man alive. But I find it hard to believe you could live with never having sex again in your life" Sara joked with him.
"You know what I mean. What I'm trying to say, but it's coming out badly is. We'll only have sex together when you can honestly tell me that your ready. Honestly 100% sure in your heart that your ready. And can you tell me that your honestly 100% ready right this second?" he told her.
Sara thought about it.
"No" she admitted.
He smirked and gave a small laugh.
"I'm sorry Matt! You're honestly one of the sweetest guys I've ever dated! But you're right. We've only just met. So deep down in my heart, the answer is no. I'm not 100% ready to sleep with you. And your right, it is an issue for me" she admitted.
"Sara, I laughed because I know all that. And it's going to take time. I know that. But it doesn't matter how long it takes. All that matters is that we'll both want it" he reassured her.
Sara smiled and snuggled up on his shoulder again.
"Why would you want to put up with all this baggage, when you've only known me a few weeks?" she asked as she lay there staring into the fire.
"Because I like you. I like you a lot. You're not like most women I meet. Your special. And even if you weren't special - everyone in need deserves someone to support them – special or not" he told her.
Sara laughed.
"Your not normal" she reassured him.
She looked up at him and smiled. She kissed him on the lips. Then she smiled and lay her head down on his chest again. He kissed her forehead and they sat there all night just watching the fire crackle and enjoying each other's company.
They just sat there. The next night, they did basically the same.
Bu the third night, they both agreed to just sleep in each other's arms in bed. Sara found it made sleeping, especially lately, a lot easier. She felt protected. She felt safe. She felt loved for who she was.
"I'm here to see Alaney Rose and Elizabeth Sidle" Sara despaired to the nurse.
"Let's see. Alaney Rose is in room 418 and Elizabeth Sidle is in room 401" The nurse informed her.
"Thanks" Sara responded and smiled.
Sara turned to Michelle and Catherine.
"Would you guys mind staying here for now. Its just I really need some time alone with them both. Can you guys come in, in like twenty minutes or something?" Sara asked.
"O.k., but are you sure your going to be alright?" Catherine reacted co- operative but surprised
"Daven's here" Sara replied.
Sara gave an attempt at a smile and walked off.
The first person she visited was Alaney. Sara felt a strange sensation. Usually she was so concerned about her mother and naturally her mother would be the first one she'd rush to see. But this time her daughter was what mainly concerned her. Sara was sure Libby would understand, being a mother herself. Anyhow, Libby chose to be with Boby. Alaney didn't choose to participate in any of this. Alaney was the one who needed her right now.
There was a nurse checking Alaney's chart out as Sara entered. The nurse saw Sara and smiled. Sara smiled back.
"How is she?" Sara asked.
"She's awake" the nurse reassured Sara.
"Really?" Sara responded surprised but delighted.
"Yeah, she's been awake for about an hour now. She's just resting at the moment" the nurse replied.
"Is she going to be alright? Why is she unwell again?" Sara looked for answers.
"I'm sorry, I can't discuss this. I'll get the doctor and he'll explain. He's the expert" the nurse apologised.
"Sure. Thanks" Sara replied.
The nurse left and Sara went over to Alaney's bedside. She sat down and took Alaney's hand in hers. Sara stroked Alaney's face and consequentially Alaney woke up.
"Mom" Alaney delighted weakly.
"Hey baby. You've been scaring me again. What happened?" Sara replied.
Alaney was suddenly alarmed.
"Boby!" Alaney declared.
Alaney tried to get up.
"Did you hurt Boby?!? I'm sorry I had to call them. I was so scared for you! I didn't mean to get you in trouble. But! Oh where's Boby? Tell me he's alright!" Alaney panicked.
"Sshh. He's fine. Everything's fine. I'd never kill him! Everything's sorted. He's fit and well. Unlike you and mom!" Sara reassured Alaney calmly.
"How is your mom?" Alaney asked.
"As far as I know she's fine. I haven't seen her yet" Sara replied.
"Go see her" Alaney insisted.
"I'm going to" Sara assured her.
At that point, the doctor walked in.
"Alaney Rose?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah" Alaney replied.
"And you must be her mother" the doctor said to Sara.
The doctor came over and shook Sara's hand.
"Sara Sidle" Sara introduced herself.
"I'm Doctor Jessop. I'll be looking after Alaney for the next few days" the doctor introduced himself.
"What happened? My friend said her body needed to recuperate from stress or something?" Sara asked.
"Yeah that's right, basically" the doctor replied.
"That's all it took? Oh this is all my fault! You can't be dealing with all this, Laney" Sara stressed.
"None of this is your fault" Alaney reprimanded her.
"Will she keep collapsing like this? How can we make sure this won't happened again?" Sara panicked.
"As you know Alaney it's only been a month since Alaney's kidney transplant. Even though she's out of the resting period, she still needs to be careful. Avoid stress and drink more! You're not drinking enough! Are you?" the doctor insisted.
"Alaney! How stupid can you be?" Sara exclaimed.
"Gees thanks! Love you too, Sara! I know, I know. It's just ever since I found out you're my mom I've been a bit too pre-occupied to remember to drink a lot of water. So sorry! It won't happen in future. I'll drink I promise" Alaney told them.
"I'll release you in two days and then I want you to rest for another week but even after that I want you to continue to drink lots and try to avoid stress. Of course, sometimes you can't avoid stress. But try if you can. You should be fine anyhow. This is just a blip" the doctor told Alaney.
"Thank you doctor. She will" Sara responded as the doctor left.
"See I'm fine. Will you go and see your mother now, please" Alaney told Sara.
"O.k." Sara agreed.
Sara leaned down and kissed Alaney's forehead.
"I love you, you know" Sara reassured Alaney.
"I know. Send Libby my love" Alaney replied as Sara began to leave.
Before Sara went out the door they exchanged smiles.
As Sara approached her mother's room, she saw Daven sitting there by Libby's bedside. He looked worn down and sick with worry. Sara went in and he turned to see her. She smiled and he gave a worried smile back.
"Hey" she said, surprisingly calm.
"Hey" Daven responded, less together.
"How is she?" Sara asked.
"She's going to be fine. She'll be awake soon. She's just rest" Daven explained.
"Resting. Yeah, I heard. Alaney too. It doesn't stop them giving me heart attacks though!" Sara ended his sentence.
"I've been going back and forth between Alaney and Libby every half an hour" Daven told her.
"Yeah, I just saw Alaney. They hope she'll be awake soon" Sara lied.
"Yeah, oh that's good" Daven replied.
"Daven, she's been awake for over an hour now. You haven't seen her for hours have you?" Sara said.
"I'm sorry. I have seen her, I promise. But! Oh shit, Sara! Libby's like my mother! And I know Alaney is my biological sister and biological niece and I do love her but truthfully I hardly know her! Dad stopped me seeing her too remember! After about five trips back and forth, I just forgot to go back to Alaney. But I promise when they're both out of hospital I am going to try my hardest to get to know her. I love her I really do" Daven confessed.
"Daven, why are you here, full stop?" she asked.
"Your girlfriend is five months pregnant!" Sara continued.
"I know! But, I just can't let go of you guys. You still need me! I've still got to be there for you guys, new responsibilities or not" Daven admitted.
"No Daven! You've got to be your new responsibility. I can handle this. You've got to go home and see your pregnant girlfriend. That's what you've got to do. I'm here now. So, I can look after mom and Alaney" Sara argued.
"It's not that simple" Daven insisted.
"Yes, it is" Sara insisted.
"Siobhan's perfectly fine. She had a scan and everything's fine" Daven replied.
"Daven, that's not all you have to worry about. What about her? She probably feels like an elephant! She needs massages, aromatherapy and the love of her fiancée. She needs you and you are in a different state, Daven!" Sara lectured him as she sat herself down next to him and their mom.
"She's staying at her mom's and her mom is doing all that. Anyway, she's fine. She understands. They're all fine. You and mom aren't. You guys need me more" Daven explained.
"She's like my mom, Sara! I know she's too young and I know there were times when I was the one looking after her! But still she was there for me when my mom couldn't be. She soothed me to sleep and sang to me. And frankly she was more my parent than dad ever was! In fact she was more of my dad than dad ever was! She's my dad!" Daven responded.
Daven sighed.
"I love my mom and she's wonderful. But that doesn't mean Libby can't be really special to me too" Daven explained.
"I know all this" Sara reminded him.
"She's one of my best friends! She's one of the most important women in my life, and always has been, and she's lying here unconscious because of him!" Daven exasperated.
"She lies unconscious a lot. So what's different now?" Sara reminded him.
Daven sighed again.
"I don't think I can do this, Sara" Daven admitted.
"Do what?" Sara asked.
"Fatherhood! Marriage!" Daven exasperated.
"Daven, don't be silly. This is natural. It's natural to have second thoughts, especially someone with a father like yours" Sara reassured him.
"No, it's not just dad. Its about Libby and you too" Daven tried to explain.
At this point, Catherine entered the room quietly. Daven and Sara did not notice her as their backs were to the door.
Daven sighed.
"I used to think I could never love anyone as much as I love you!" Daven told Sara.
As soon as Catherine realised she was walking into the middle of a deep conversation she left quietly so as not to disturb them. Still Daven and Sara did not notice her.
Instead Sara gave a embarrassed laugh.
"I'm serious. I couldn't work out how I could fit someone else in my heart. Then Siobhan came along and she did fit in! I love you both so much but I love you both in different ways so you both do fit in my heart. But even so! Even though I love her so much! And we're having a kid! She's having my kid! And I'm going to have to give them my all! 99% of my life needs to be dedicated to them. What I'm trying to say is even love I love them, I just don't think I can do it!" Daven tried to explain.
"Daven, your not making sense. You can't just abandon them! What could be wrong if you love them?" Sara asked.
Tears began to fill up in Daven's eyes.
"I can't leave Libby and you. You guys need me" Daven explained.
Sara put an arm round her brother.
"Oh Daven, don't cry! It's so un-masculine or you. We'll be fine" Sara insisted.
"No, you won't. What was I thinking? I can't just leave you guys! How did I think this could possibly work out?" Daven responded.
"You're not leaving us" Sara reminded him.
"If I marry her and if we have this kid then they need to be my number one focus. You guys can't be my number one focus anymore" Daven stressed.
"Exactly. That's what you need to do" Sara told him.
"It's not that simple though! I can't just let go of you two. You've been my life" Daven replied.
"I know. Mom's been my life too. But you can't let that happen anymore" Sara told him.
"You don't need to give up on us, completely. You can come visit us. I mean I hardly see you anymore anyway. I live in a different state!" Sara said.
"No, no. I can't get married and have a family when I haven't sorted out our family!" Daven protested.
Sara sighed.
"Well, this isn't just going to go away, Daven. Dad isn't just going to go away" Sara reminded him.
"That's not true. There is a way" Daven reminded her.
Sara looked shocked. She suddenly felt herself on the verge of tears.
"You want me to go to the police, don't you? So this is entirely my fault is it? I've ruined your life and I can make it all simple? It's that simple is it?" she asked.
"Yes. No. I don't know what I want, Sara! O.k.? This is not your fault! I don't want to upset you! But it would work!" Daven replied.
Daven sighed.
"Look, Sara I don't know what I want. I don't want you to go to the police but I don't want to have to give you and mom up in this state. So, I don't know what to do" Daven explained.
"Well, you better decide what you want quickly because your fiancée is going to give birth in a month!" Sara told him.
Sara sighed.
"I'm sorry, Daven. I wish I could. I really do. But honestly, I know, I just can't ever go to the police, Daven! All those people knowing!" Sara exclaimed stressed.
"I know. I don't even want you to go! So what am I thinking? I know it would make you unhappy! Hell! Even I don't want to lose dad! But, oh! You know what? Forget it. It will all work out! I used to not think I could love anyone because of our bond but I did fall in love and this will all be sorted too" Daven replied.
Daven took her hand.
"Sorry. I shouldn't be putting this stress on you too. Sorry. Forget it" Daven told her.
"Daven. It will work out" Sara reassured him.
"I know" Daven agreed.
There was silence for a few moments. But Sara interrupted it.
"I do know what you mean, Daven. I'm 32 years old and honestly - I can't bare to not live without my mother. How sad is that? Whenever I have a bad day all I want is my mom! In fact I can't bare to live so far from you, too. We're all too close for our own good" Sara confessed.
"Why don't you move back to California if you're so unhappy?" Daven asked.
"I prefer living far away from danger to living so near to mom" Sara admitted.
Daven sighed and hugged his sister into his side.
Within half an hour, Sara and Daven were sitting in the corridor waiting for news on Libby. They had been asked to leave Libby as the doctors examined her. Within ten minutes of them being thrown out, Grissom came along. Sara told Grissom they couldn't see Libby because the doctors were examining her. So, Grissom sat down and waited with the pair. "How are you both?" Grissom asked.
"Alaney and mom are going to be fine. So we're fine" Sara replied.
"Speak for yourself. I'm frazzled" Daven joked.
"Ignore him. He's going through a bit of a personal crisis. It will blow over" Sara responded.
"I don't see how!" Daven replied.
"He's such a drama queen" Sara whispered to Grissom.
"Me a drama queen! You should see her when she's upset. She starts drunkenly singing along to the corniest songs ever written as she cries into her wine glass! It's quite hilarious!" Daven responded.
"I can't live if living is without you. I can't live. I can't live anymore" Daven impersonated a drunken Sara moping.
"I can't imagine you doing that" Grissom responded in Sara's direction.
Once Daven had finished making fun of Sara he suddenly remembered where he was and why he was there. He felt solemn again. This made Grissom and Sara solemn too.
They spent the next five minutes in silence before Sara broke it,
"I would never have killed him, you know" she told Grissom.
"My mom always brought me up to believe you should never kill a person unless it's self defence. Plus if you did have to defend yourself then you should try every other possible way and only kill them as a last resort. My dad made my mom's life a living hell and yet she never planned to kill him! I think she's amazing! She always taught me that we have no right to decide whether someone lives or dies. Even if they killed someone you don't have the right to kill them back because that would make you as evil as them" Sara explained.
"Sounds like good advice" Grissom agreed.
"I've always held that advice close to my heart. If she can still hold onto that after everything he's put her through, then so can I. She's right – there are millions of other solutions than to kill a person. Well, that's what I've always found" Sara explained.
Sara paused and became solemn.
"But when I was running after him, all those principles just went out my head! All I could see was like this black cloud. I don't mean literally. You know what I mean. He messed with my daughter and me and he was just getting away with it! I wanted to make him pay! But when it came down to it, I realised – I have no justification to kill him. I wasn't in danger and neither was my daughter. I just wanted revenge. I was planning a cold- blooded murder! I would have never gone through with it, though. There were so many others ways to stop him and I realised that. Murder was not a valid option. So I tied him up to stop him hurting anyone else for a few hours. I stopped him, but not forever. When faced with the situation I could never go all the way. I promise, Grissom. I never will" Sara told him.
Grissom looked her in the eye and said,
"You don't need to justify yourself to me. I believe you".
Libby regained consciousness an hour later. Libby was due to be released in three days time.
Within a day, Alaney was released. Sara came to the hospital to collect her. Alaney's excitement to go home was dampen by her realisation that Sara wasn't excited too. Sara seemed to be acting strange. Sara was quiet throughout the journey. She hardly spoke. Sara was a far cry from the excited mother who had been to see Alaney in hospital.
"Are you okay?" Alaney asked concerned.
"No" Sara admitted.
"What's wrong? It's all over" Alaney reminded her.
"Is it?" Sara asked.
"Boby won't come near me now I have a restraining order and if you get one he won't go near you. Your mom's told your dad that there going to have a break from each other. She might even leave him. Everything's over" Alaney explained.
"I wish it was that easy" Sara replied.
"You don't think he'll obey it do you?" Alaney asked.
"Obey what?" Sara asked confused.
"My restraining order" Alaney reminded her.
"I don't know. He might do or he might not, I don't know. I can't get a restraining order against him" Sara explained.
"Why?" Alaney asked.
"Why do you think?" Sara responded.
Alaney thought about it. But soon she could tell by the look on Sara's face.
"Your still in the love with the man who tried to kill your daughter and your mother!" Alaney exclaimed disgusted.
"You can't help who you love" Sara replied.
Sara stopped the car.
"Here we are" Sara said.
Alaney looked out the window. They were at Catherine's.
"You didn't mention anything about us visiting Catherine on the way home" Alaney remarked,
"We're not. Look Alaney. I need you to do me a favour" Sara told Alaney.
"What kind of favour?" Alaney asked worried.
"I need you to stay with Catherine's for a week, maybe two. You might stay with my mom too. But I promise it won't be more than a fortnight. I packed you some cases and they're in the back of the car" Sara told Alaney.
"What? Why? Your daughter's just had a near death experience and now you want to get rid of her! You don't want to support me or savour the fact your only daughter, who you've only just been reunited with, didn't die?" Alaney exclaimed.
"It's not that simple, Alaney. Please! Just do it! Just" Sara exclaimed.
Sara didn't finish her sentence instead she burst into tears. Alaney felt guilty and put a comforting hand on Sara's back.
"What's wrong?" Alaney asked concerned.
"Don't worry. Just please I need a week off. I have a lot of, umm, issues to deal with and I just need a week to deal with them" Sara explained trying to hold back further tears.
"I could help you deal" Alaney suggested.
"No you can't, Alaney. Your just make it worse!" Sara declared.
Alaney was offended.
"Sorry" Sara apologised at her insensitive outburst.
"Look Sara! If you don't want me then just tell me. Don't bother pussy footing around and only letting me into your life because you feel guilty or something. I only want to be part of your life if you want me" Alaney informed Sara.
"No Alaney, I do want you! I just need a week off from being your mom. Just one week" Sara explained.
"Isn't a eighteen year break enough?" Alaney rebuked.
"It's a lot to take in you know. Your daughter coming to invade your life. I just need a week off, that's all" Sara commented.
"Oh I've invaded your life have I?" Alaney remarked.
"I don't mean it like that!. Don't be silly. Please, Alaney, for just one week can I be alone?" Sara pleaded.
Alaney thought for second.
"Fine!" Alaney agreed but was sulking.
Alaney stormed out the car in a huff and stormed over to the back of the car to collect her stuff.
"Alaney, don't be like this! Please" Sara pleaded.
"I'll see you when you can be bothered to collect me! If you can be bothered to collect me!" Alaney huffed.
Alaney stormed up Catherine's path to her door. Catherine answered and Alaney slammed the door behind her before Sara could make a move to come in.
As soon as Sara returned back to her flat, she burst into tears. She knew this was going to be a bad week and she knew there would be lots of tears, but she hadn't expected the tears to start as soon as she got into the flat. As chance would have it she did begin crying as soon as she got to the flat, over Alaney's reaction to the separation. Alaney had triggered all her emotions to flood out.
Sara got into bed and hardly got out of bed for a whole week. She just lay there thinking and crying, thinking and crying, thinking and crying.
A few visitors came and went.
Grissom came but he could not cheer her up. She told him she was upset because she had thought about killing her father. She definitely didn't want Grissom in her flat this week.
Catherine didn't, on Sara's orders, come or call her about how Alaney was.
Matt Colgan came but he could not cheer her up. He and Sara still weren't officially dating. Since that night at the bar they had hung out and he had generally helped her out as a 'friend'. Sara said she couldn't handle a boyfriend in her life at the moment. He told her he would stick around as a friend till she was ready. On this particular week, Sara definitely didn't want Matt around. He did not know any of what had happened and she wasn't going to tell him. He had simply come round to hang out with her. She explained she was ill and needed to be alone. He offered to look after her and be her nursemaid. She told him that she had plenty of people to do that and did not need him. He said that he wanted to, though. She said no because he'll catch what she has. He said he didn't mind risking that to be in her company. She still affirmed her no. He offered to help one more time before she finally shouted, screamed and physically pushed him out her flat.
Janey visited. Well, she was staying there at the moment so she needed to see Sara at some point! Sara asked Janey if she would stay with Daven wherever he was staying. Janey, being a pushover and wanting to help her cousin Sara, agreed.
Daven came on day three. Sara didn't even want him around her during her mourning week. He couldn't understand it. He had always been the one to comfort Sara. Why didn't she want him now? Sara explained that she was having issues with dad and that Daven reminded her too much of their father. So Daven had to go.
Daven drove Libby round, at Libby's request, immediately after Libby was released from hospital. Daven didn't go in but instead waited outside in case Sara chucked Libby out. To Daven's surprise Sara did chuck Libby out. Sara explained to her mom that Daven would look after her because Sara was incapable of looking after anyone this week. Libby explained that was not why she had came round. Libby explained that in fact Sara's father had vacated their Las Vegas vacation home and gone into a hotel because Libby had informed him that she needed a break from him after he tried to kill her granddaughter. Sara asked if Libby was considering a permanent break and Libby said she didn't know. Daven couldn't work out why Sara didn't want Libby around. Sara always went to her mom when she wanted comfort. It couldn't be that Libby is biologically related to Boby, because she's not. Daven was very confused now. He spend the remaining days of 'mourning week' worrying about his sister.
The only person Sara would let visit her was Michelle. Everyone had always found their close relationship quite hard to understand. They were so far apart in age, appearance and dislikes. The only thing to link them was their music writing, but Sara and Michelle could have written songs with anyone else in their community.
Michelle came round on day two. Even though Michelle was staying there, she had avoided the place after hearing that Sara didn't want Janey or Alaney there. Even Michelle was surprised when Sara not only let Michelle stay but actually wanted Michelle to stay. Sara was not chatty or happy around Michelle. But the fact that Sara let Michelle run about after her was a big triumph. Michelle spent the first few hours after her arrival, running around trying to make sure she had offered Sara every possible thing to comfort her or cheer her up. After she couldn't think of anything else to do and still could not get Sara out of bed she tried talking to Sara.
"What's wrong baby?" Michelle asked stroking Sara's hair.
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara responded as silent tears fell down her cheek.
"You were fine when Alaney was in hospital" Michelle commented.
"I had to be. But now it's time for me" Sara replied.
"Do you feel guilty for trying to shoot your dad? Is this what this is all about? Do you feel guilty for not shooting your dad?" Michelle suggested.
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara replied.
"A problem shared is a problem halved" Michelle responded.
Sara turned over onto her other side, away from Michelle.
"Are you regretting taking Alaney into your life?" Michelle asked.
"No! God no!" Sara responded.
"Are you upset because everyone should have known you'd never kill anyone?" Michelle asked.
"I don't have the capacity to worry about that, right now" Sara replied.
"Look it's over now. All the drama is over. You should be relieved! Happy!" Michelle suggested.
"It will never be over!" Sara rebuked.
"I know" Michelle comforted her solemnly.
Michelle paused.
"Did it bring back bad memories about what happened between you and your dad?" Michelle asked cautiously.
Sara began to cry more. Michelle sighed.
"That's it isn't it" Michelle said sadly.
Sara turned back to face Michelle.
"He scared you" Michelle suggested.
"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse! I had taken every measure to make sure he could never attack me in anyway again and it failed!" Sara whined.
"Sara, everyone knows he beat you up this time, Sara. The cuts and bruises on your face and body said it all. They can help you get over it. I know you like to pretend that your mom's the only one he hurts but everyone knows he's hurt you before too. It's o.k. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Talk it over with them" Michelle told her.
"I thought he could never overpower me again, but he did! No matter how much self defence I learn or how much I try to avoid him, he can just knock me out, tie me up and I'm powerless!" Sara sobbed.
"You can do the same to him, remember?" Michelle suggested.
Sara burst into a crying fit. Michelle put her arms round Sara.
"I know, I know. Sshhh. It's all over now" Michelle comforted her.
"No! It will never be over Michelle!" Sara responded.
"I know it feels like that right now but that's not necessarily true. And if you think like that then you let him win. You can't let him control your mind, Sara. Even if he can control you physically, don't let him control you psychologically" Michelle told her.
Michelle paused.
"There is a way you can stop him" Michelle said.
Sara didn't bite Michelle's head off; she didn't even speak. She just slowly shook her head and lay down on her bed again.
Michelle began to stroke Sara's hair again.
"It happened again" Sara told Michelle.
"I know" Michelle reassured her.
"No, I don't think you understand. It happened again" Sara cried, desperately trying to communicate to her cousin.
Michelle couldn't understand fully.
"What happened again? Lots of things could have happened again, Sara. Be more specific otherwise my imagination might be running too fast ahead here" Michelle panicked.
"What happened again? He beat you up again? He had control over you again? He tried to kill Alaney again? He beat your mom up again? You felt like killing him again? You're pregnant again? He tried to rape you again? He did rape you again? You love him again? You've lost Alaney again? He's come into your perfect little life and mucked it up again? What has happened again, Sara? Are we talking what I know or is there something I don't know? Sara you're scaring me" Michelle clarified.
The next day, on the other side of town, Catherine entered her guest bedroom where Alaney was sat staring out the window moping. Alaney was still not over her rejection.
"I've made you some cookies" Catherine declared.
"I'm not five, Catherine. Sorry, I shouldn't snap at you. It's not your fault my mother's abandoned me" Alaney replied.
Catherine came over and sat next to Alaney.
"Your mom loves you a lot you know" Catherine reassured her.
"Then why doesn't she want me for a week?" Alaney asked.
"I don't know. She didn't say. She just said she needed a week alone" Catherine answered honestly.
"She let Michelle stay. Michelle called me and told me. I asked her what was wrong with Sara and Michelle said she knew but she couldn't say and that she could understand why Sara wouldn't want me around. She said that she didn't think Sara would be alright in a week but Sara seemed to insist that all she needed was a week to mourn whatever she is mourning" Alaney explained.
"Mourning?" Catherine asked.
"Don't ask me. Have not got a clue!" Alaney added bitter.
"I'll leave you to be alone. If you want some company, Lindsay and I will be downstairs" Catherine told her, as she left the cookies by Alaney's side.
"Thanks" Alaney gestured.
Half an hour later, Alaney did come down. Catherine was in the kitchen making pancakes and Lindsay was watching television in the living room.
"What's with the home maker of the year award?" Alaney asked.
Catherine laughed.
"I just want to make you feel better" Catherine confessed. "What by making me fat?" Alaney joked.
"Thank you and I'm sorry. I shouldn't take my frustration out on you of all people" Alaney admitted.
"Don't worry. I understand your upset" Catherine gestured.
"You need some help there?" Alaney asked.
"Sure grab some maple syrup and flavour these with it" Catherine replied chirpy.
They had been happily cooking and chatting for ten minutes, when Catherine suddenly looked pale. Catherine ran over to the sink and threw up. Alaney looked like she'd seen a ghost. Catherine came back over to the cooker and carried on cooking like nothing had happened. But Alaney didn't carry on.
"When's it due?" Alaney asked annoyed.
"What due?" Catherine asked, pretending to be oblivious.
"Catherine you've had a 'stomach bug' for 2 months now! So cut the crap and tell me what's really going on. Your either pregnant or your undergoing chemotherapy. Either way you're hiding something from me. I'm guessing that you're pregnant" Alaney responded.
Catherine looked guilt.
"Now, I'll ask you again. How many months pregnant are you?" Alaney demanded.
"Three months" Catherine admitted.
"I don't believe this! Why didn't you tell me? No one else seems to know! How long have you known?" Alaney asked.
"One and a half months" Catherine admitted.
"Does anyone else know?" Alaney asked.
"No one" Catherine confessed.
"What? Why? It's going to be showing soon! When were you planning to tell everyone? The day before you go into labour? What were you hoping no one would notice?" Alaney responded.
Alaney put her hand on her face in stress and sighed.
"Why have you been hiding it? This is good news right? Don't you want it?" Alaney asked.
"I want it. I think I'm at that time in my life where I want another child before it's too late" Catherine reasoned.
"So what's the big secret about? Does the father know? Who is the father? Catherine I've known you for 4 months and you haven't mentioned any man in your life! You haven't even mentioned one night stands! Who is it?" Alaney said.
"I'm not telling the father" Catherine confessed.
"Oh it's like that" Alaney responded.
"I'm pretty sure he won't want to know. Anyway, I'm not letting this child go anywhere near the father" Catherine admitted.
"Does Lindsay know?" Alaney asked.
"No" Catherine admitted.
"Why?" Alaney asked.
"Because I know what she'll ask and what everyone will ask" Catherine admitted.
"What will they ask?" Alaney asked.
"They'll ask who the father is" Catherine admitted. "Why do you care if they ask that? They either know him or they don't. If he has nothing to do with this baby then why does it matter if you tell them" Alaney asked.
"It matters. It will matter a lot to some people in particular. We know those people" Catherine told her worried.
Alaney sat Catherine down and sat next to her. Then Alaney put her hand on Catherine's, looked her in the eyes and said,
"Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. It's your decision to tell people. I was just angry because there's obviously something wrong. Tell me what's wrong. It won't go any further than these four walls, I promise. Go on" Alaney told her.
Catherine sighed and put her hands on her face in stress.
"I haven't had sex in six months, Alaney!" Catherine admitted.
"That's impossible. You can't get pregnant without having sex" Alaney laughed.
"You don't need to have sex to get pregnant. All you need is sperm to get to the vagina" Catherine responded.
"You had IVF and now you regret it!" Alaney answered.
"Nope" Catherine replied.
"You weren't going to have sex but you both ended up naked and things just got a little bit too messy and that's lead to this accident" Alaney guessed.
"Kind of" Catherine answered.
"Don't worry, the same thing happened to a friend of mine" Alaney reassured her.
"Oh my god! It's Grissom isn't it!" Alaney guessed.
"What? No!" Catherine replied.
"Sorry, it's just. Well, you know. You and Grissom can be" Alaney explained.
"Completely platonic" Catherine answered.
"I'm fed up guessing Catherine. Who's the father?" Alaney asked.
"Why does it matter?" Catherine asked.
"Because it's obviously an issue and it obviously matters to you! So tell me what on earth it is, Catherine please!" Alaney replied
Catherine was hesitant to answer, but eventually did.
"In five months, I have only had one experience that could possibly of got me pregnant. No sex, no foreplay, no nothing" Catherine told her.
"With?" Alaney urged.
Catherine paused.
"Boby" Catherine admitted.
Alaney couldn't believe her ears. She looked like she'd seen a ghost.
"No, no. It can't be! Sara came in in time!" Alaney insisted.
"Not in enough time" Catherine admitted.
"Are sure?" Alaney asked.
"Nothing else in five months, Alaney! He's only person it could be!" Catherine insisted.
Alaney put her hands on her face.
"Oh shit!" Alaney remarked.
"Now do you know why I don't want to go broadcasting it around?" Catherine responded.
"Sara's going flip! She's going to be so upset!" Alaney remarked.
"Exactly" Catherine remarked.
"And how do I tell my kid that her sister is the result of some failed attempt by a rapist?" Catherine added.
Catherine paused.
"And he's your grandfather. This baby is going to be your cousin" Catherine told Alaney.
"Yippee" Alaney remarked sarcastically.
"Oh Catherine, I'm so sorry. I'll help you every step of the way!" Alaney gestured as she hugged Catherine.
Sara spent exactly a week in bed. Then on the morning of the eighth day she woke up, got straight out of bed and shrugged off whatever she had been upset about. She was cheerily and bright again. She called Matt, apologised to him and asked him out on a real date. She said she was ready to really date. He was delighted.
Then she went and picked up Alaney. Everything returned back to normal as if the past week had never happened. Except Michelle and Janey had gone to stay with Libby at the vacation home instead of Sara's flat. Alaney seemed to have forgiven Sara but still seemed a bit quiet and pre-occupied with something. Sara was thankful that it didn't seem to be anything to do with Sara herself.
That evening Matt came round. Sara came out the kitchen area to answer the door. Alaney was sitting on the sofa watching the pair intently as they acted like smitten lovesick puppies.
Sara opened the door to find Matt holding a bunch of flowers for her. Her whole face lit up.
"Hey" he greeted her delighted to see her.
"Hey back" she replied smitten too.
"These are for you" he said as he offered her the flowers.
"Thank you" she replied still smitten.
"Come in. I'll just be a second" Sara offered.
Matt came in and Sara got her bag.
Alaney smiled at Matt.
"Hi" Alaney called, from the sofa.
"Hi. I don't think we've been formerly introduced have we. I'm Matt. Your Sara's cousin right?" he said.
They shook hands.
"No. I'm Alaney. I'm her" Alaney reciprocated.
"Sister! She's my sister" Sara interrupted rushing over.
Alaney was disappointed but said nothing. Sara could see.
"Yeap, her sister" Alaney lied.
"Ready to go?" Sara asked Matt.
"Sure. Did you have anywhere in mind?" he asked.
"Nope" Sara admitted.
"I know this great place on the other side of town. Wanna try there?" he suggested.
"Sure" Sara agreed smitten.
Sara turned and saw Alaney still sulking.
"Hey, I'll meet you downstairs in just a second" Sara told him.
Matt nodded and went out the door.
"I'm sorry. Just not yet, o.k.?" Sara told Alaney.
"Don't worry. I understand" Alaney half accepted.
Sara checked herself out in the mirror.
"Hey, you really like him don't you?" Alaney called.
"Yeah" Sara smiled.
"Well, good luck. You look lovely" Alaney commented.
"Thank you sweetie" Sara replied.
Sara smiled and kiss Alaney goodbye on the cheek.
"Have a good evening" Alaney added as Sara left.
"Will do" Sara called as she rushed out the door.
They did have a good evening. In fact, they had a wonderful evening. All until they got back to Sara's flat. Sara had asked Matt up to her flat with the excuse that she could get her dictionary out and settle their play argument over whether or not the word 'harebrained' was in the dictionary or it was just a made up word. They went upstairs, Sara got her dictionary and Sara was right – it was a word! Sara pretended to gloat and Matt tried to be a good loser.
"I had an IQ of 140 at the age of four! My mother is an English genius and she past all her knowledge onto me! Don't ever challenge me!" Sara joked.
"I won't! I won't after one final test. Where does this quote come from?: 'The miserable have no other medicine but hope'. Well then?"
Sara was stumped.
"I'll give you a clue then – it's a Shakespeare play" he told her.
"Macbeth?" she guessed.
"No!" he laughed
"Hamlet? King Richard? Tempest?" she guessed.
"Wrong, wrong wrong! You can't just guess till you get it right! It was Measure for Measure! I thought you were meant to be a genius!" he gloated.
"I never said that! Anyway, literature was never my strong point" Sara admitted.
"Oh yeah. Whatever! What did you get for literature?" he asked.
"An A, but I could only explain about five books in detail because they're the only books I studied or read. I was more a fan of fact books rather than fiction books" Sara explained.
"So you're a walking encyclopaedia then?" he joked.
"Kind of" Sara joked back.
"Well, I think that's cute" he gestured.
They smiled and locked eye contact. Then Matt went in to kiss her and she began to kiss him back. Within seconds she began pulling his clothes off. Suddenly he pushed her off.
"Woah! Slow down! One step at a time, Jessica Rabbit" he told her.
"What is it?" she asked impatient.
"Not just yet, o.k.?" he responded. "Please" Sara pleaded.
She tried again.
He became more resilient.
"I said no! Get off me! Gees!" he protested.
He moved to the far side of the sofa and held a pillow up in front of him.
"I've got to protect myself you. You man eater!" he joked.
Sara sighed and did not look pleased.
He snuggled up beside her and put his arm round he.
"Hey, there's more to a relationship than just sex, you know! I think we should get to know each other a bit better first. O.k.?" he reasoned.
"What's wrong? I thought you liked me" Sara asked.
"I do. I like you a lot! But it's still early days. Let's just take our time o.k.? It's only our first official date" he explained.
"Sorry" Sara said.
"Don't worry, I don't think I really did want to sleep with you. It's probably a good job you said no" Sara admitted.
"Whoa! What? Then why did you ask? I mean why did you just come onto me, quite strongly, if you didn't want to have sex?" he reacted.
Sara shrugged. She just got up and walked into the kitchen to get two glasses of wine.
"Sara! I mean it! Why did you come onto me?" he insisted.
He came into the kitchen area, turned her round and looked her right in the face.
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't know" she replied ashamed.
"Yes, you do. Tell me" he pleaded.
Sara paused and looked down ashamed.
"I didn't want to disappoint you" she confessed.
"Disappoint me! Sara, if you don't want to have sex with someone you shouldn't. Alright?" he insisted.
"Sure, in an ideal world where everything's simple!" Sara rebuked.
"No Sara, full stop" he insisted.
He didn't think Sara was listening to him.
"Sara, promise me your never have sex with me if you don't want to" he asked her.
"Fine" she blew him off and carried on getting the wine out.
"Sara, have you ever agreed to sleep with a guy when you didn't really want sex?" he asked.
Sara shrugged.
"I'll take that as a yes. Sara, you need to have more respect for yourself! Why don't you just say no?" he continued.
Sara sighed.
"Look, I didn't entirely not want to sleep with you tonight! In fact, I really wanted to! More than I ever have my life!" Sara explained.
"Liar" he accused her.
"It's true. I don't know! I don't know what I want! So I just let men decide for me!" Sara admitted.
"What? I don't believe I'm hearing this! Is our world really in this kind of state? Sara, listen to yourself!" Matt frustrated.
"Look listen! You want the truth? The truth is that tonight part of me has never wanted so badly to sleep with someone so bad - and yet another part of me has never wanted so badly to not to have sex! So I just don't know!" Sara confessed.
Matt sighed.
"How can that be true?" he asked.
"It just is" Sara replied.
"Well, promise you me, you won't sleep with me unless every part of your body wants to, o.k.?" Matt asked.
"Fine" Sara blew him off.
"I mean it" he insisted.
"Fine" Sara insisted.
"Promise me" he insisted.
"Fine!" she shouted at him.
He was quite taken aback.
Sara started to get ice out the freezer and pop it out of its container. She had her back to him. He just was still speechless. He just kept staring at her trying to work her out and figure out what to say to her.
"Sara?" he asked.
She ignored him.
"Sara!" he asked again.
"What?" she snapped.
He reconsidered.
"Nothing. I'll ask you another time" he answered.
She turned her back to him again and popped ice cubes out in a huff.
He just stood staring at her. She noticed.
"What is it?" she snapped.
"Nothing" he replied sorry.
He came over, put his arms round her and kissed her head.
"I'm sorry. It's not our fault" he said.
Sara reconsidered.
"No, I should be sorry. You were only being – well you were only being the nicest guy I've ever met! And I was a complete bitch back to you! Thank you. Thank you for caring enough to be concerned" Sara apologised.
Matt looked down and looked awkward.
"I better go. It's getting late" he excused himself.
"Please don't go. I'm sorry" Sara pleaded.
"You have nothing to be sorry about. I just think we need sometime to cool off from each other. So we can start again, afresh, tomorrow. How about we do lunch tomorrow?" he explained.
"That would be lovely" she agreed relieved.
He was about to kiss her but stopped.
"Afresh" he reminded himself.
He opened the door and she followed him over to it.
He was about to go when he re-considered. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't think of the words he wanted to say. Finally, the words did come out his mouth.
"You don't have a particularly high opinion of us men do you?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked confused.
"You think all men want is sex. That's not true, you know. That's just not true" he told her before finally leaving.
Sara closed the door behind her and lay against the doorframe. She put her hands on her face.
"Shit!" she exclaimed quietly.
She began to cry. First, they started gentle tears but soon escalated into floods of tears.
The next night didn't go without tension either. They had a lovely lunch. They had a lovely day. Then Matt made the mistake of asking Sara back to his place. He thought it would be fine because it was still only early in the evening and they had sorted out all that mess yesterday. This was a fresh start day, after all. So he drove them back to his after their long lunch and walk in the park.
They were sitting there, wine glasses in hand, laughing and joking when Sara came onto him again.
"What are you doing?!?" he exclaimed pushing her off.
"Oh what is the problem!" Sara exclaimed back.
"Your behaviour that's the problem!" he shouted back.
"I thought we'd agreed to lay off after yesterday" he told her calmer.
"I thought we were just talking about yesterday night. I thought you meant we just needed to go on another date" Sara argued defensively annoyed.
"No! I meant longer than 1 day, Sara!" he shouted.
Sara got up, got her bag and was about to leave.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Leaving. This obviously isn't going to work out" she answered angrily.
"What! So you're just going to dump me because I won't sleep with you! Are you really that desperate for sex?" he shouted.
"Why is sex such a big issue for you?" she shouted at him.
"Because it's such a big issue for you!" he replied calmly.
Sara looked horrified that he'd noticed any of this in her.
She sighed and then carried on as if he'd never said it.
"Most men would think they'd died and gone to heaven, by now. By no not you! Your some kind of prude" she shouted back.
"I'm not a prude!" he remarked annoyed.
"Sara, please! Wait. Calm down! Listen, I'm not a prude. I know I am acting a bit prudish. But frankly, I'm not used to women coming on so strong. Even those women I've met who come on as strong as you so soon do not take rejection of their proposal as badly as you. They usually understand that people are different and for me this is too soon. But frankly, Sara what makes me extra cautious to sleep with you is the fact that I have never met anyone who appears as fucked up as you about sex" he confessed.
"Excuse me?" she remarked annoyed.
"What was that comment about yesterday. About not wanting sex and yet offering it quite blatantly!" he replied.
"That is not screwed up!" Sara defended herself.
"Well, that's up for debate too! Your just going to have to accept that, to me personally, that is screwed up!" he exclaimed.
Matt sighed. So did Sara. They both calmed down.
"It's not just what you say that worries me, Sara. It's the look in your eyes. You look scared. So why on earth would you want to sleep with me if it scares you?" he asked.
Sara said nothing. She just sat down and put her hands on her face in stress.
Matt came
over, sat next to her and took her hand gently.
"It's o.k. You don't need say anything. I can already guess that answer. You want to talk about it?" he responded sympathetically.
"About what?" Sara asked scared.
"Something happened" he told her.
Sara looked away shocked. She didn't say anything. She looked away. No man had ever noticed anything different in her behaviour. No man had ever asked that when she had been dating them. She didn't know what to say or do. She didn't really want to tell him. So she just looked away.
"That's alright. You don't need to tell me exactly what happened or who it happened with. Just, please, can you give me just give me a nod to confirm that there is a something and that something is why this is such an issue for you. I just want to be aware of what's going on here. Did something happen to you in your past?" he asked.
She turned and looked straight at him. Her eyes began to well up with tears. She wanted to speak but she found she couldn't. So she just silently nodded.
He closed his eyes as he sighed. Then he turned to her, opened up his arms and she fell into his arms crying away.
"It's o.k. It's o.k. We'll deal with this. It's good I know. You don't need to tell me. You just tell me if you ever want to. Or not, that's good too. Whatever your comfortable with. I'm not going leave you. I promise, I'm not going to leave you because of this. We'll get through this. I promise" he reassured her.
She cried and he comforted her for about fifteen minutes before she finally calmed down. He got her some herbal tea he had at the back of his cupboard. As he was over there she found herself thinking, that she couldn't believe she'd just admitted that to him. She couldn't believe he knew. Was it that obvious? She felt so embarrassed. What must he be thinking of her?
He finished making her herbal tea and cam over with it.
"I know what your thinking" she accused her.
"What? That you're funny, smart and beautiful and that I'm lucky you agreed to go out with me?"
"You know your funny and your smart. And you're not so bad looking yourself" she smirked.
"But that's not what you were thinking" she regained her composure of seriousness.
"What was I thinking?" he challenged her cynicism.
"You think I'm a slut" she told him.
"No I don't!" he rebuked.
"Your thinking: How can she expect men to respect her if she acts like a slut?" she challenged him.
"I don't think you're a slut. I think it's your way of reacting to a bad situation" he told her.
"Go on then, if you're so clever. Tell me how I 'react'. Tell me why I do what I do. Go on Mr Anthropologist!" she challenged him.
"I think. You probably try give men sex, before they ask for it, because you're scared that when they do ask they'll demand it. Then your surprised when they have no respect for you or surprised when they use you for sex or you find them cheating on you. You come across so many men like this, and added to your bad experience, you conclude that all men must be like this and all men must only be after sex. How well am I doing so far?" he continued.
"Good. Very good, in fact" she admitted laughed.
"So, is that all to the theory or is there more? Seeing as you're doing so well" Sara challenged him playfully.
"It's not a laughing matter. Stop treating this like it's nothing. You worry me" he chided her.
Sara went serious again.
"Go on" she told him
He paused, but eventually went on.
"Well, you said that part of you was desperate to sleep with me and part of you wasn't. I was thinking about it last night and I might be able to explain it now. I think you try to sleep with as many men. No wait. You try to have sex as many times as possible, because your trying to dissolve away your bad experience and you think the more times you have sex and the more people you have sex with then the more likely it is that the memories of that bad experience will go away. But, it won't. So you figure you haven't found the right man yet, so you keep searching and hoping and try to get other possible 'right' men into bed, as fast as possible" he suggested.
"Now you see that's where you're wrong! Most of that was wrong actually" he delighted playfully.
"Well, tell me the way it is then" he responded.
"Some of that was near the truth, I'll grant you that. But most of it was wrong. I'll have you know that the men I've been with have helped the memories away. There was a time when I couldn't bare to have sex. But I kept trying and eventually I began to like it. It begins to slowly go away. So, the answer is no. I wasn't desperate to get you in bed for exactly that reason. With you it was a different reason. A complication to the whole bad experience" she explained playfully at first, but soon dulled to a serious tone.
"What reason?" he asked confused
"It's complicated. Well, no it isn't actually. It's pretty simple. I just don't want to talk about it" she explained.
"O.k." he accepted.
"Maybe one day" she told him as she placed her hand on his.
"Anyway, you made it sound like I was promiscuous! I am not promiscuous! When I'm dating someone I'm monogamous! I just don't wait particularly long to know people before I get into them into bed. Because of the reason you said" she protested.
"Your scared of men" he added
Sara laughed.
"Well, that's one rather to the point way of saying" Sara responded.
Matt paused. He placed his hand on hers.
"You know you don't need to be scared of me don't you" he gestured.
"Of course" Sara laughed him off and threw his hand away.
He put her hand on hers again.
"I mean it" he reassured her.
She looked away and gave it some thought quickly. Then she turned back to look at him, said nothing and then nodded. He kissed her forehead. She put her head on his shoulder, nestled into him and smiled. She had never felt so safe.
"When we have sex. If! I mean if you want sex! If you never want sex then that's fine. Even if we got married and were together forever – and you didn't want sex then that would be fine" he fumbled.
"Whoa soldier! You're telling me to slow down. It's only our second date!" she joked. "You know what I mean. If you never felt ready to have sex ever again then that would be alright with me" he told her.
"Matt, I can just about believe you are the sweetest man alive" Sara joked.
"I'm not the sweetest guy alive, Sara. You shouldn't have such low standards" he butted in.
"Let me finish! I can just about believe you are the sweetest man alive. But I find it hard to believe you could live with never having sex again in your life" Sara joked with him.
"You know what I mean. What I'm trying to say, but it's coming out badly is. We'll only have sex together when you can honestly tell me that your ready. Honestly 100% sure in your heart that your ready. And can you tell me that your honestly 100% ready right this second?" he told her.
Sara thought about it.
"No" she admitted.
He smirked and gave a small laugh.
"I'm sorry Matt! You're honestly one of the sweetest guys I've ever dated! But you're right. We've only just met. So deep down in my heart, the answer is no. I'm not 100% ready to sleep with you. And your right, it is an issue for me" she admitted.
"Sara, I laughed because I know all that. And it's going to take time. I know that. But it doesn't matter how long it takes. All that matters is that we'll both want it" he reassured her.
Sara smiled and snuggled up on his shoulder again.
"Why would you want to put up with all this baggage, when you've only known me a few weeks?" she asked as she lay there staring into the fire.
"Because I like you. I like you a lot. You're not like most women I meet. Your special. And even if you weren't special - everyone in need deserves someone to support them – special or not" he told her.
Sara laughed.
"Your not normal" she reassured him.
She looked up at him and smiled. She kissed him on the lips. Then she smiled and lay her head down on his chest again. He kissed her forehead and they sat there all night just watching the fire crackle and enjoying each other's company.
They just sat there. The next night, they did basically the same.
Bu the third night, they both agreed to just sleep in each other's arms in bed. Sara found it made sleeping, especially lately, a lot easier. She felt protected. She felt safe. She felt loved for who she was.