Chapter 7
Settling down underneath the light comforter of her bed, Alexis pulled the envelope from the pocket of her robe and stared at her name scrawled across it in the manner that was uniquely Cameron's; such an arrogant and confident style with the merest hint of uncertainty. It was Cameron. The Cameron that visited her every night… that gently guided her into sleep when the unending doubts regarding her decision to leave kept her tied to insomnia as the incessant self-recriminations for not being strong enough to stay and fight plagued her relentlessly.
"Cameron." She breathed his name aloud as she brought the envelope close to her nose searching for his earthy scent. Dropping her head forward to rest her chin against her chest she once again prayed the prayer that was now a nightly ritual.
"Please forgive me, Cameron."
She never offered up excuses for her actions by tacking a 'but' clause to the end of her prayer. She couldn't force the words into reality. When push came to shove, she didn't put much faith in him or anyone else to help her accomplish the one task that would assure her of remaining sane. She needed her daughter, she needed to leave Port Charles and she didn't trust him enough to keep her secret. Too much at risk… too many accusations… mistrust… too many feelings she couldn't explain… too much Cameron and yet… not enough. Would he have understood her decision? Or would he have defended Ned or a host of others, as he was wont to do? Would he have stood with her in private and railed against her in public yet again? And always with the same sadness in his eyes… She closed her own eyes and once again looked into his. His eyes were the most expressive part of him and they always seemed to be asking so much more of her than the words that came from his mouth. It was his eyes that scared her most of all. They begged for what she couldn't give him.
"Cameron." Another breath forced into release from lungs that tightened with sorrow.
She turned the envelope over and gently thumbed it open paying special attention to keeping the flap from tearing too much. It needed to be kept as intact as possible… to be able to withstand the years ahead when a simple touch might offer enough of him to settle her fears and worries or to offer solace for nights filled with uncontrollable want. Whatever its contents revealed… Alexis would take comfort in the fact that he cared enough to send this last piece of himself. She pulled the letter free and gently lay the envelope down on her beside table with her name facing her then returned to the folded letter. As she began to unfold it a photo fell from its honored place to land just above her heart. Slowly picking it up she turned it over and a quiet cry left her throat. It was Cameron… with Zander beside him arms across each other's shoulders smiling and waving at the camera… at her. The two who meant the most to her in a world that had turned its back on her so many times…
Tears of loss and loneliness began to fall unheeded down her cheeks as she caressed each face with her finger. And as the tears finally blinded her she brought the photo to her lips and lay a soft kiss upon the face that was never too far away from her memory. Leaning her head back against the headboard she waited for the hot tears to subside enough for her to be able to see the words he'd taken the time to send straight to her heart to forever pierce its center. When at last her blurred sight was restored she began to read…
Dear Alexis,
It was only after I realized you were gone that I began to understand just what your life was really like during this past year. I was able to witness for myself some of those infamous Quartermaine antics you were always trying to explain to me. I'm sorry for doubting you, Alexis. It seems that some lessons are harder for me to learn than I would have hoped. First I lost my sons, and now you. I guess it took losing you to make it finally sink in. Although I still have my reservations and opinions regarding how you handled the past year, I can honestly admit that my way would probably not have worked either. But, for you to reach the point that escape seemed the only viable option for you… what could I have done to help keep you here… with me? I wasn't prepared for this emptiness that is tearing me apart inside. When I tell you that it is so much worse than when I lost Peter, it is with a greater understanding of not only myself, alone; but also of myself with and without you. Why wasn't I blessed with the eyes of discernment as you were? I guess the one thing that your leaving has most forced me to face… is that there is a vast difference in the way you and I love. With you, there is no price to be exacted from those you choose to love. When your heart becomes involved with anyone it is an all or nothing proposition whereas I tend to use my love as a weapon against those I love. Either do it my way or suffer the consequences. You were a witness to the conditionality of my way of caring on more than one occasion. And for that, I am truly sorry.
In an effort to keep me from losing my mind… I called my son. I guess I must have looked pretty bad because he stayed with me for a while and just let me talk. Don't remember a lot of what I said, but it seemed to be enough to convince him that my intentions toward you and Kristina were indeed honorable and that I was now having a hard time with you gone.
The picture was his idea. Seems he knows you better than I do and knew you would need some part of home no matter how small to keep you encouraged and able to put your hand on something tangible when doubts assail you. My son is an extremely intelligent man. Did I ever thank you for taking care of him? I don't remember whether I did or not.
It took you leaving to finally understand the hold you have on me and why I could never let go no matter how much you and I fought against that something we always felt when we finally shut up long enough to really look at one another. I fell in love with you, Alexis. It's just that simple and just that complicated as well. I would have liked to be able to see your face when I first revealed my little secret to you. How ironic it is that we seem to always be at cross-purposes. I believe we both wanted the same things, but couldn't agree on how to attain them. And if you would care to be as honest with me as I am trying to be with you, I think your right to regain custody of Kristina was just one of those things.
I cannot deny that it hurts for you not to have thought enough of me to say good-bye, but I guess I can understand given the hell I put you through on several occasions. What right do I have to ask you to trust words I couldn't exactly trust myself. How could I expect you to look at me in the same way I looked at you when I gave you no reason to suspect what lay beneath all the bravado. I won't stop looking for you, Alexis… nor will I stop waiting for you.
I hesitate to relinquish the pen I hold because it is all that connects me to you now. My heart is tied to this pen just as it is tied to you. Foolish though it may seem. I don't want to lose this last remaining tie. But alas, if I am to begin my search, I must seal my fate for this moment in order to begin my travels. So it is with love and hope that I reach toward you and cry from the depths of my soul…
Until I see you again,
I will remain forever yours,
Cameron
The letter fell from her hand as tears fell from her eyes and Alexis quickly got up and made her way into her daughter's room. Just one look at her daughter's beautiful face and maybe some of the fire inside would die. Alexis was infused with the fire of guilt… of hurting someone else she cared about… of walking away from… Even now she couldn't put her heart into words. Words that needed to remain hidden lest she lose her resolve. Sitting down in the rocking chair beside her daughter, she reached out and tenderly took her hand letting its warmth and soft silkiness find a healing path to her heart. Kristina's eyes opened slightly and upon seeing the face of the one whose unconditional love pulled her from sleep smiled and squeezed her mother's finger before returning to play among the stars with faeries and muses, lambs and teddy bears who danced and stumbled around whimsically forever enticing children to stay as long as they liked inside the land of stardust and dreams.
Alexis smiled through her tears as she felt the grasp of her daughter's fingers tighten around hers before dropping back into sleep. Just one smile was all it took to settle the turmoil in her heart enough to return to her own bed. The grief for the pain she caused Cameron would never leave her… it was now a part of her and she would deal with it just as she did every other hurt she sustained in her life. Lying down again, Alexis picked up the photo that had fallen from her hand and rested it against the base of the lamp before extinguishing the light. Closing her eyes, his face appeared before her and she smiled just before sleep claimed her with one last hesitant forbidden prayer from a heart torn between her daughter and the man her heart held on to…
"Come find me, Cameron. Love me enough to come find me."