Chapter 11
"Ok munchkin, I go first this time since you went first the last time."
"Right. You go first, mom."
Alexis looked into her daughter's eyes for a moment considering how she could open her daughter's heart enough to reveal what was troubling her most.
"Kristina, a moment ago you said something that I don't really understand and I'd like to see if you can explain it to me."
""I'll do the best I can. What did I say?"
"You said that there was 'a thing inside you' that you didn't understand. Can you try to tell me what that 'thing' is?"
Kristina thought for a moment then looked into her mother's caring eyes.
"I don't know if I want to tell you, mom."
"Why not, sweetheart?"
"Because… because… oh darn. Do I have to, mom?"
"No, Kristina… you don't. But, I want you to think about something for a minute. You and I are a part of each other. What hurts you hurts me and when I hurt I know you can feel it as well. It doesn't mean that we can't talk about the things that hurt us; in fact it would probably make the problems easier to face if we did talk to each other when we get hurt. Does that make sense?"
Kristina reached up and twisted a lock of her mother's hair around her finger as she thought about what her mom was saying; her face completely still as she studied on each word until she was satisfied that she understood.
"Yeah. But that's not always how it works though."
"What do you mean, Kristina?"
"You don't share with me as much as I share with you. You hold secrets and I know that some of them are about me and when I ask you different questions you dodge them or pop off some quick answer that doesn't help me at all to understand this hole that's inside me all the time now."
Alexis knew all too well what Kristina was talking about when she spoke of a hole inside. Kristina was missing a part of herself that only she as her mother could provide; a father to fill in all the blanks. Alexis leaned her head forward and rested it against the forehead of her daughter. Kristina wanted answers…. Answers that she was still too young for. How could she put her questions on hold for just a couple of years more? Years that would provide her daughter with a little more security… a little more inner strength.
"Ask me the question that bothers you most, sweetheart?"
"Does he know who I am?"
Alexis was stunned. The question of who her father was came second to whether he knew of her existence or not. Such an inquisitive mind that analyzed everything that came at her. Just like her mother. Alexis dropped her gaze and took hold of her daughter's hands.
"Kristina, there is so much that I want to tell you; things that you need to know and frankly have every right to know. But, so much of your mother's life is very difficult to explain especially to one so young. And I know our 'Honor Oath' is just as important to you as it is to me, but there are just some things that I need a little more time with before I tell you. And I will tell you everything you need to know. But right now I'm asking you to give me just a couple of years to help you get ready to hear what I will tell you. Sweetheart, you are just not old enough yet."
A small tear fell from the corner of Kristina's eye and she quickly ducked her head and brushed it away knowing the sight of it would hurt her mother. There was so much she wanted to know about her father. She wanted to know why they didn't all live together, why there were no pictures of him around the house. She wanted to know why Alice got all red in the face when she asked her about her father. But, most of all she wanted to know if her father did something to hurt her mom so much that she had to leave. Kristina never wanted her mom to be hurt. All her life everything her mom did was somehow centered around her and even though it was great from a kid's point of view, Kristina wanted more for her mom. Her mom deserved to be just as happy as she was. But, something bad must have happened between her mother and father for him to not be around now. Looking up she stared into her mother's eyes wanting to make everything alright for her.
"I understand. He doesn't know me because we left and came here. It's okay, mom. I know you'll tell me when you can."
Kristina saw a tear fall from her mother's eye and she reached up and gently wiped it away.
"Don't cry, mom. I told you I can wait and I will. Just think; it'll give me time to work on my patience problem."
Alexis smiled sadly wrapping her arms around her daughter and hugged her tight. How did she get so lucky with this precious child… so blessed. Leaning back she reached up brushing the hair out of Kristina's face and smiled at her.
"You have your father's smile, my little one. And I'm sorry to say you're right. He doesn't know you are his child. But if he did, he would love you just as much as I do. The hole you feel inside is that part of you that he would fill if he were here. Did you know that I have one too?"
"You have a hole too, mom?" Kristina asked with surprise.
"Just like yours, but there's more than one hole in mommy's heart. There's one for my father, my mother and my sister because they are no longer a part of my life. Because they had to leave just like TK's dad left."
"You mean they all died?"
"Yes sweetheart, they did."
"Do you miss them?"
"Everyday of my life. I think I miss your Aunt Kristina more than I miss my mother and father, because you remind me so much of her."
"Yeah, I remember. You named me after her because you loved her the bestest. I wish she was still here. I think you really need her."
"Why do you say that?"
"You don't smile enough, mom."
"That's not true, Kristina. I smile all the time."
Kristina hesitated then smiled conspiratorially.
"Let's make a deal."
Alexis shrugged her shoulders and smiled hoping that her daughter was through with her questions for the evening, but somehow knowing she was up to something.
"Name it first, then we'll see."
"I'll stop with the questions for two whole years if you'll tell me who Cameron is?"
Alexis stared at her daughter dumbfounded. How could a child of ten be so delightfully adorable one moment and devilishly cagey the next? There had to be so much going on in her child's head constantly to be able to come up with some of the stuff she came up with.
"Kristina Davis… I don't know what to do with you sometimes. Is that how you get your way with Alice as often as you do?"
"Pretty much. Hey… it works so I use it. A girls gotta have some kinda way of getting around such strict 'parents'."
Alexis chuckled at the complete honesty of her child.
"So? Is it a deal? I get one answer and leave the rest alone for now?"
Alexis reached up and again brushed the hair from her face and smiled as her daughter mimicked her with a sly grin knowing she was fixing to get what she wanted.
"You really do know how to manipulate your mother, don't you?"
"It's a gift."
"A gift you would do well to forget, munchkin. You and I will discuss later why that particular 'gift' as you call it is more of a curse. But, I'll play your little game this one time because I heard you talking to Alice about hearing me say Cameron's name. And I don't want you to be worried or concerned about me."
Taking hold of her daughter's hands, Alexis began a story of a wonderful caring man whose heart was so big that he saved a baby's life by rescuing her mother on the night she was born.
"And do you know whose life he saved, Kristina?"
"Who?"
"You. You were the life he saved. I have you because Cameron found me in the park and took me to the hospital where you were born. If he hadn't found me then I probably wouldn't be sitting here with you right now."
Alexis waited a moment while her daughter was clearly processing something in her head. When small hesitant eyes finally looked up in to hers she took a deep breath to prepare herself. Kristina definitely seemed to be on a mission tonight.
"Is that why you love him, mom? Because he made it possible for you to have me?"
Alexis laughed gently, amazed at how perceptive her child was becoming.
"In part, little one. There are many reasons why a woman can love a man. Things like they can look in your eyes and see things no one else can see. They can make you laugh at the silliest things that wouldn't normally be silly if they weren't around. Also, just being with them makes you a better person. Honey, there are just too many things involved in why we love who we love to be able to explain it with words."
"Like when we say there's not enough words in the whole world for how much you and me love each other?"
"You and I, Kristina. And yes, you're right. That's what I'm talking about, but between a man and a woman there's so much more stuff you have to add into the mix for it all to make sense."
Kristina thought for another moment then reached up and placed each of her hands on the sides of her mother's cheeks.
"Then why did you leave, mom? Why didn't you stay with Cameron?"
Alexis raised her arms and pulled her child into a hug gently coaxing her head down on to her shoulder so she wouldn't see the tears her questions provoked.
"Because things are not always as simple as we would like them to be, honey. Grown-ups tend to let a lot of garbage pile up in their heads and it often blurs the truth. I didn't know I loved Cameron until after we moved here. It doesn't mean that I will never see him again, it just means that it's not meant to be right now. In time, if he and I are really supposed to be together, then we will be."
She barely heard her child's muffled voice.
"But, he doesn't know where you are, mom."
Squeezing her tighter and caressing her back soothingly, Alexis quietly replied… "It doesn't matter, little one, I know where he is."
Kristina suddenly sat up and looked her mother dead in the eye.
"But, he's not my father, is he?"
Alexis' heart stilled knowing her daughter was not nearly finished processing everything she was hearing. But, her quick intuitive mind was definitely processing more than her mother was comfortable with. How am I going to satisfy her curiosity enough to put her questions on hold for a while longer? Studying her daughter's face she finally smiled.
"No, Kristina. He is not your father. But, he has a son named Zander."
"Zander? What a funny name."
"I guess it does sound a little funny.
It's more of a nickname than his real name."
"What's his real name?"
"Alexander."
"That's a better name. Do you know him too?"
"Yes. I know him very well. He is a very special person and means a lot to me. He and I were friends long before you were born actually."
"Did you know Cameron that long?"
"No. Cameron didn't come into the picture until it was almost time for you to be born."
"They weren't together?"
"No, honey. Zander was a troubled boy when I met him and I helped him out of a few rough spots. His dad didn't move to Port Charles until about five years later."
"Is Zander the boy in your picture?"
"Yes. That is a picture of Cameron and Zander. They wanted me to have a picture of the two of them so they sent me one."
"If they sent you a picture then they have to know where you are?"
"Sweetheart, Cameron gave the picture to Alice to bring to me when she came to live with us. Now are you about through with all your questions? It's getting close to bedtime for you."
Kristina thought for a moment. She knew that once their truth session was over she would have to keep her word and not ask any more questions about her father for at least two years. So the last question had to be a good one.
"Just one more question, mom?"
"Alright, one more question then it's off to bed with you, deal?"
"Deal."
Kristina rolled her question around in her head a moment making sure she had it right before she asked it. She was pushing it a bit, but figured she could get away with it since her mother was probably real ready for this whole question time to be over.
"Did you and my father love each other and does Cameron love you?"
"That's two questions, Kristina."
"Well not if you look at it my way."
"Your way?"
"It's just one question about love."
"You're tap dancing awful close to a case load of semantics, smarty."
"There's that word again. I know, I know. Go look it up. I'll look it up tomorrow, mom. So are you going to answer the question?"
"If I do, you'll promise to leave it alone like you agreed to earlier?"
"Keeping my word is part of my code. I have to keep my word if I want people to know I can be trusted."
A cold chill ran down Alexis' back. That damn code. Where in the hell did Kristina pick that up? Automatically knowing it was TK Redmond.
"Kristina, what do you know about codes?"
"Oh, Tikki and me decided we needed a book of rules for how we wanted to be treated and how we treat everybody else and we call it our 'Code of Honor' book. Like the marines have! And you didn't answer my question."
Alexis relaxed back onto the swing again and gently smiled.
"You're right, I didn't. Okay, the first answer to your two-part question is yes, I loved your father and the second answer to your two-part question is, I don't know. It's been nine years since I've seen Cameron. I will tell you that he loved me nine years ago. That's the best I can do. Now, off with you. Get ready for bed and I'll be in to tuck you in a few minutes."
Kristina immediately scooted down and raced toward the door suddenly stopping with her hand on the handle. She turned her head and curiously looked at her mother.
"Another question, Kristina?" Alexis sighed.
"Just a little one."
"Am I going to regret giving you permission to ask just one more 'little one'?"
"I don't think so. It really is just a little one."
"I'll agree to just one more 'little' question as long as you understand I have the right to deny you an answer. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough. Will I ever have as many secrets rolling around in my head as you do, mom?"
Alexis couldn't help but laugh at the colorfully perceptive mind of her daughter.
"I hope not, sweetheart. I certainly do hope not. Now go, before Alice finds out you're still awake at this hour."
"You two don't fool me a bit, mom. When she reaches her end with me, she calls you and when you reach your end with me, you call her. I so have you guys figured out."
Alexis jumped forward as if to catch her with some sort of discipline in mind and laughed instead; sitting back down as her daughter quickly slipped through the door.
Skipping to her room Kristina laughed delightedly, proud of herself for getting her mother to finally laugh as if she didn't have a huge hole in her heart.
Running her hands up and down her face a couple of times to ease the tension, Alexis sighed with relief that the inquisition was over. Hopefully she wouldn't be called upon now for at least two years to open up doors that needed to remain closed for a while longer.
"How did I do?"
She glanced toward the open window, knowing Alice was still sitting at the desk after listening to the whole exchange between mother and daughter. Even now, nine years later, Alice still eavesdropped on all the goings-on in the house. Every so often Alexis would call her on it, but Alice would simply shrug her shoulders and walk away mumbling, "How else am I gonna know what's going on and how to deal with that child. She's too much like her mother and I gotta have some way of keeping up." Alexis usually shook her head and let it go because she knew that Alice had a point.
"She folded too easy. She let you off the hook way too easy. Something's up her sleeve. You know what's going to happen next, don't you?"
"You're probably going to be corralled sometime in the near future. And you're right, she's not satisfied with the lack of answers. Alice, sometimes I think that child is too smart for her own good."
"Yeah, sometimes I think she's smarter than both of us put together. Think I'll turn in too. It's been a long day. Night, Alexis."
"Night, Alice. See you in the morning."
Minutes later after tucking Kristina in, Alexis walked out toward the beach and sat down to listen to the waves roll in and settle her thoughts before heading back to contact her brother, completely oblivious to a small child sneaking back into the living room to place a secret call to her best friend.
"Tikki, it's me. I have something I have to do for my mom, but she can't know anything about it. But, I need your help. Can I come over tomorrow? Alice can't know about it either…. Well of course it's a secret mission. What else would it be with me hiding on the floor under the table talking to you while my mom is out on the beach and Alice could walk in any minute? … Good. Thanks, Tikki. See you tomorrow."
Hanging up the phone, Kristina ran back to her room, quiet as possible and sat down at her desk pulling a sheet of paper out and picked up her favorite pen. In perfect script she wrote down two words then folded the paper and hid it under the other papers in her desk. Jumping back into bed she pulled the covers up to her chin with a smile on her face.
"Don't worry, mom. It might take a while but, I'll take care of everything and you won't ever have to cry again. I just have to find out where Port Charles is now."