Disclaimer: I don't any part of Dragonball.
Note: This has a mention of a Lemon. No actual lemon just a little mention. If you don't like them then don't read. But I will warn you that if you don't read this chapter then you are missing a lot. Anyway, thanks for the reviews. I am two away from having 100 and that so rocks. So I want a lot of people to review this chapter so I can reviews in the hundreds. Enjoy ;)
Love's Pain
Revelations
Goten and Parisu were awakened by a harsh pounding on their front door. Goten put on sweat pants and a t-shirt on before kissing Parisu and leaving to get the door. When he answered the door a body ran into his and grabbed him not letting go. When Goten was finally able to pull himself free, he was shocked to find a crying Pan in his arms. "Pan, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" Goten asked her in concern hugging her shaking body to him. He felt her shake her head no as she kept crying on his shirt. "Cutie, you are going to have to talk to me, if you want me to help you."
Pan sniffled and looked up at Goten as she wiped her tears away. She looked as vulnerable as a four year old and Goten wanted nothing more than to make everything in her life better. Pan dropped her head back down and answered him in a small voice. "Can you get Parisu for me? I need to talk to her. Please Uncle G. I know that it is really early but I really need to talk to her."
"Sure thing, just give me a minute to get her. Why don't you sit down and I will be right back." Goten said leading Pan over to the couch. He found Parisu putting her robe on when he walked back into their bedroom.
"You were talking to long, so I was coming to check on you."
"Um, Pan is out front and she said that she needs to see you."
"What's wrong? Is she okay?" Parisu asked in concern.
"I'm not sure. When I opened the door she threw herself in my arms and cried. When I finally got her to talk all she could say was that she needed you. I'm scared Parisu, I have never seen my niece this upset since the whole Brolli incident. She seemed fine at the party, almost happy again."
"I know you are worried about her. I am too. I just hope that I can fix whatever is bothering her. Why don't you go back to bed and I will get you when we are through talking?"
"Okay, I will wait here. Thank you." Goten said walking over to her and kissing her on the cheek.
"Goten, you don't have to thank me. I think of Pan as family, and soon she will be." Parisu said walking out of the room to find Pan. She found her pacing the living room, muttering to herself and tugging on the ends of her hair. It seemed as if Pan was starting to lose her sanity and it made Parisu hesitant to bother her. Parisu walked over and sat down on the couch before she tried to get Pan's attention. "Pan, sweetie, why don't you come sit down and tell me what happened." Parisu said patting the cushion beside her.
Pan turned and face Parisu with anguish in her eyes and self-doubt written across her face. "Parisu what's wrong with me?" Pan whispered so softly that Parisu was not sure she had even talked at all. "What kind of monster am I? I hurt the ones I love. I push them away with lies and my coldness." Pan continued equally as soft as her first statement. As she bared her soul of what she considered her black deeds, Pan managed to walk over to the couch. But instead of sitting down beside Parisu, Pan sat down on the edge of the coffee table in front of her. Pan looked into the comforting eyes of her soon to be aunt and felt what little composure she had left slip away.
"Please Parisu, tell me. What is wrong with me?"
"Pan, there is nothing wrong with you. After all you have been through this year, you are allowed to ....
"What I am allowed to use him? No, I'm an awful person. Don't you see, I'm dirty?" Pan yelled as tears fell rapidly from her eyes, Not being able to look at Parisu's compassionate eyes anymore, Pan placed her head into Parisu's lap and cried out her pain and confusion. "I don't deserve to be forgiven. I have done such awful things. Please don't be nice and say that what I have done is okay. I don't deserve it. Please Dende help me. I'm nothing but a monster. A dirty, horrible monster. A monster, who does not deserve forgiveness."
Pan cried like that for hours as Parisu ran her fingers through Pan's black hair trying to sooth her. Goten had joined them when he heard Pan yell, and now he stood in the doorway watching his fiancee trying to comfort his distraught niece. Goten picked Pan up and moved her to a spare bedroom, when she finally wore herself out. He came back into the living room to find Parisu walking towards the kitchen in deep thought.
"So when Pan said she was using him, do you think she was talking about Trunks or Lucas?" Goten asked sitting down at her kitchen table.
"I think a little of both, but mostly Lucas. I could smell his cologne on her."
"I'm confused then, I thought she was happy and in love with Lucas?"
"No, unfortunately, she is and always will be in love with Trunks." Parisu said pouring herself a cup of hot tea.
"Why is that unfortunate and if she loves him then why is she so hell bent on making him miserable?" Goten asked scratching the back of his head in confusion.
"It is unfortunate because Pan is so stubborn and I have a feeling that she will never let him into her heart again. And because of that she will never be truly happy. I'm not positive, but I think that it all goes back to Brolli. She kept mentioning pushing everyone away. Hopefully, we will find out everything when Pan wakes up." The two fell into silence, both pondering the mystery of Pan's visit and her chaotic rambling.
Pan tossed and turned as she felt the lingering sensation of Lucas's hands on her body. She had begun to sweat as the images in her mind became more vivid.
~~DREAM (FLASHBACK)~~
Lucas laid on top of Pan, thrusting in and out of her as he kissed her swollen lips. Pan kept her eyes tightly shut and forced her hands to cling on to his shoulders. "Open your eyes Pan. I want to see into them. Please baby." Lucas said as he came closer to his release.
Pan opened her eyes and tried to keep her warring emotions from showing. Not wanting to look into his eyes, she focused on the wall behind Lucas. Pan forced herself to moan every now and then so that Lucas would believe that she was enjoying this as much as he was. Pan tore her eyes gaze from the wall to meet his, when Lucas turned her face to meet his. She was forced back to reality when the eyes that met hers were green and not the deep blue that she had been pretending they were. The hair that was sweeping across the top of her forehead was dark brown not lavender, and it made Pan feel as if she were betraying herself. She felt wrong and dirty and she wanted nothing more than for him to be done so that she could get away from him.
Pan almost sighed in relief as Lucas finally came. She was tired of faking orgasms, and she wanted to shower to get the dirty feeling off her body. Pan rolled over out of Lucas's reach and brought a sheet up to cover her body as she started to get out of bed. "Lucas, I'm going to get a shower. I want you gone by the time I get out." Pan said heading towards her bathroom.
"But baby, we just had mind blowing sex, and I'm tired. I don't want to leave. Why don't you drop the sheet and get back in bed with me? Or I could join you in the shower?" Lucas said getting out of bed to follow her.
'Yeah, mind blowing for you, you jackass. It was mind-numbing to me. Alright think Pan, you have to get him out of here. Just treat him like you treat Trunks. That should make him leave.' Pan narrowed her eyes at Lucas, glaring at him as he came closer to him. "If I wanted you to join me, I would have asked. I told you I don't want you staying the night here. You knew that I didn't want us to do anything at my house, but you just had to push and get your way. So know leave." Pan turned her back on him and marched into her bathroom never looking back. She locked the door and turned the water on, waiting to hear the sounds of Lucas leaving.
When her front door slammed shut, Pan let her tears mingle with the water running down her face form her hot shower.
~~END DREAM (END FLASHBACK)~~
Pan woke up feeling fresh tears run down her face. She sat up in bed and looked around the room. Pan buried her face in her hands and tried to get a grip on her wild emotions. Once she managed to quit crying, Pan worked on figuring out where exactly she was. Knocking on her door, Goten popped his head in the room to check on her, answering her unasked question of where she was.
"Hey Cutie, do you want some breakfast? Parisu just made some waffles, your favorite." Goten said as he walked over to sit down next to her.
"Sure, waffles sound great. Thanks Uncle G. You and Parisu are the best and one day you are going to make great parents." Pan said hugging him for all she was worth.
"Um, Pan. Air. I need air." Goten gasped. "Can't. Breathe. Killing me."
"Oh, Uncle G, I'm so sorry. I guess I forgot how strong I am." Pan said sheepishly. She released Goten and stood up to go to the kitchen.
Goten watched as she watched away. Pan had seem a little bit better. Less insane and she had actually given him a genuine smile. Goten decided that maybe he should call his brother and tell him what was going on. That is after he managed to make Pan tell him everything.
The three ate in silence. The only sound in the room was their forks clanging against the plates or the occasional sound of a glass being put down on the table. The minute breakfast was over, Pan jumped up to help Goten clean the dishes. She was trying to stall them from questioning her. Pan knew that after the way she had come over there and acted that she was going to have to explain. She was not even sure what had happened.
"Okay Pan, enough stalling. I think you need to tell us what is going on in the head of yours." Goten said sitting back down at the kitchen table next to Parisu.
"I know I do. It's just I'm not sure where to begin." Pan said in agitation as she dropped down in an empty chair.
"Well how about starting with Lucas?" Parisu said reaching across the table to pat Pan's hand. "You said something about using him? What did you mean by that?"
"Well, I started dating Lucas to hurt Trunks and to help keep him away from me." Pan said in shame. "Please don't interrupt me Uncle G, or I will never be able to get this all out. I knew that it was wrong but Lucas was so sweet and it was easy to ignore that he was a human and has feelings too. I was being a selfish bitch, only thinking about myself." Pan paused to collect her thoughts before she continued on with her self damming explanation.
"Um, everything was okay at first, but as time went on I felt funny every time he would touch me. I would feel dirty but then I would see Trunks at a party and I could see the lingering hurt and anger in his eyes and I would forget about how Lucas made me feel. I just wanted to hurt Trunks, for making me feel. So I would cuddle up to Lucas, leading him on even more."
Parisu and Goten cringed as they listened to Pan. They both loved her and were shocked to hear some of the things she was saying. Goten was more than a little pissed at her for the fact that Pan openly admitted to using Lucas in order to hurt Trunks. Trunks was his best friend and Goten could not believe a member of his family would be so cruel to another person.
"I know what you are thinking. And you are right, I am a cold bitch. But just wait it gets worse. The night of our joint party, Trunks took me home because someone stole my keys and money so I had no other way home. I would have walked but Trunks did not allow me that option. Anyway, it got kind of intense and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. It was the most amazing sex I have ever had. I swear I have never had anything as good as that before or since. And that is what terrified me the most. I will not let Trunks back in and I refuse to be hurt again, so I turned to Lucas using him. I never stopped to think about what I was doing, I just did it."
Goten was speechless. He had know something had happened that night but he was never sure what exactly occurred. Now, he wished he did not know. He was having all types of horrible mental images of his niece and best friend in bed together.
"Uncle G, are you listening to me?"
"Yes, go on but please for my sake edit all the sex talk. I love you Pan, but I really do not need to know about your sex life with Trunks or Lucas." Pan dropped her head in shame. She did not mean to say some of those things, they just kind of came out. Parisu glared at her fiancee for hurting Pan's feelings like that. She reached her leg out and kicked Goten in the shin for his thoughtless words. She smiled when he yelped in pain from her kick.
"Go ahead and finish telling us Pan. And do not leave anything out. Goten will get over it. This is for you and it is important that you get it all out or you will make yourself crazy." Parisu said glaring at Goten, daring him to contradict her words.
"Okay, if you are sure?" Pan said looking back and forth between Parisu and Goten waiting for their nod of approval. "So Lucas and I became involved, but my heart was never into it. Unfortunately, that damn jerk, still has my heart. Anyway, I'm not sure when it all happened but sometime in the last month every time Lucas would touch or kiss me, I could feel apart of myself slipping away. It was like I was slowly dying. I let him do things to me that are wrong. And before you jump to conclusions, Lucas does not rape me or beat me. I only let him do it because it keeps me from feeling anything but revulsion at myself. So, see I am a monster. I'm using Lucas and I have hurt everyone I have ever cared for. I feel so dirty."
"Pan, listen to me. You are a beautiful young woman. There is nothing wrong with you. Yes, using Lucas if wrong and that is something only you can fix. But Pan, neither your Uncle nor I think any less of you, and we will do anything to help you. Now, if you can why don't you tell me why you shut everyone but Gohan and myself out of your life."
"After Br...Br...Brolli." Pan stuttered not sure if she could explain without breaking down again. Pan looked inside herself trying to find her strength. She had cried enough and she decided that she would stop her tears now. "After Brolli, I was scared. Not of dying but of what would happen if I lived. The things that he did to me were so awful that I wanted to die instead of having to live with the memory of them. No one but you, Parisu understood what we had been through." Parisu wanted to interject that yes, she had been there with Pan but she had been unconscious throughout the whole ordeal, and no idea what it was like for Pan. "All everyone could do was give their sympathy and that was the last thing I wanted. The only other person who understood was my dad. When I looked up and I saw him save me from Brolli, I knew that he would save me from anything. And then, while I was in the hospital I kept slipping in and out of consciousness, and I could hear Daddy talking to me. No one else was there. Just my daddy."
Goten wanted to interject that he had stayed with her and that Trunks had too. But he decided that it would not matter to her. He knew that Pan loved him but she just wanted to believe that only Gohan was her savior. It was most likely her way of justifying her new attitude. Goten sighed as he got out of his chair and walked over so that he was standing in front of Pan. He pushed her chair back and squatted down until they were eye level. He had a choice to make, he had to push Pan into revealing her inner feelings. Goten was worried that if he pushed her to hard she would break. But he was tired of skirting around the real issue here and he wanted answers.
"Pan, do you love Trunks?" He sighed as she looked away, trying to avoid his question. "I need to know Pan. Because Trunks is my best friend, and he might as well be my brother. You know I love you, but I will not tolerate you hurting him anymore. So, do you love him?" Pan dropped her head in shame and muttered her answer.
"What? I can't hear you?" Goten said lifting her head up with his right hand.
"Goten, don't be so hard on her." Parisu admonished her fiancee, trying to urge him to lighten up.
"No, Pan needs to answer my question. Besides, I'm not being hard on her and she knows it. Now Pan, answer me and this time where I can hear you."
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, I love him. There are you happy?" Pan lashed out forcing her tears back.
"I'm happy that you finally admitted your true feelings, but I'm not happy that I've helped to hurt you. Pan, I hate seeing you hurting like this, but it is all your fault."
Pan's eyes flashed in anger and she pulled her chin out of Goten's grasp. "You have no right to say those things to me. How dare you!"
"I dare because we both know it is true. Pan, you pushed just about everybody out of your life because you were scared. I'm sure that if I was not with Parisu then you would treat me like you do everyone else. No one pitied you. We loved you, and wanted to make sure you would be okay. Bra, you remember her right? She use to be one of your closest friends. Anyway, she was so scared that you would be killed that she openly attacked Trunks. She was crazy and frantic with worry. Vegeta knocked her out twice because there was no other way to clam her or stop her. It almost killed Videl and Gohan, when they found out you were taken. I have not seen my brother that upset since the whole ordeal with Majin Buu."
Not wanting to listen to him anymore, Pan put her hand over Goten's mouth stopping him from further speech. "I know I have been horrible and I am so sorry. Please don't hate me. I would not be able to stand it if you hated me." Pan whispered as she threw herself into Goten's arms, knocking them both to the floor.
Goten hugged her back for a few minutes. Releasing Pan, Goten stood up and helped her up. He smiled down at his niece and began to talk to her again. He made a break through with her but he still wanted a promise out of her before he would leave her alone. "Cutie, it's okay. But I'm not the one you need to get forgiveness from. Now, I have something important to say. I want you to listen and listen carefully. Can you do that?" Goten waited for Pan to nod her head in agreement before he continued. "Good now Pan, this is this something that I have learned that you have obviously ignored. Love is what makes you stronger. It is pain and it is frustration, but it is also one of the most amazing things in the whole world. Without love you have nothing. Pan, you are like the rest of this family. When you love, you love with your whole soul and it is that force which drives you. But if you reject it, then you are rejecting who you are. Pan, you have to risk the pain and open your heart again. You have to let go, drop your walls, and let everyone back in before it is to late. Promise me Pan. Promise me that you will try to let go. Please Pan, promise me you will." Goten begged her, holding on to her hands in a desperate grasp.
"I promise."
"That's my girl. Now, do you want me to take you home so that you can get a start on letting go and fixing this mess?"
"No, I'm going to walk home. I have a lot to think about and I want to be alone for a little while. Thank you both for everything."
"We are here for you anytime you need someone. I love you Cutie. Besides you are my favorite niece."
"I'm your only niece."
"Well, that makes you my favorite."
"Thanks, I think. I love ya'll." Pan said as she hugged them bye and walked out of the door.
Goten stood at the open door watching his young niece disappear down the street. After his talk with her, Goten felt less worried and more optimistic about her future. Parisu, on the other hand was not feeling as optimistic. She felt that while Pan had listen to her Uncle and made a promise to him, she still would not do anything to fix her problems with Trunks. Parisu wrapped her arms around Goten's waist and joined him in watching Pan disappear. She sighed, worried about the younger woman who had quickly found a way into her heart.
So that is the newest chapter. A little longer than most and look no blatant cliffhangers. I tried really hard not to have one. I hope you liked this chapter, and I hope that it answered some questions that people have. I decided to give everyone a deeper look into Pan's thoughts.
Alright now if you will just click on that nice button on the bottom of the screen then you can review and tell me what you think. Please review. Thanks bunches.