Um… I'm not dead?

::sweatdrops::  This was supposed to be out for Valentines Day… but I sort of got side-tracked with other stuff.   I'm sorry; I'm just a naturally lazy person. _;;  And there was supposed to be Youji/Omi in here, but they decided not to cooperate. T_T  But, well, for sure in the next chapter, as I have things getting set up in this chapter…

So… this is out on White Day instead of V-Day. ^^;;  Yep, 10 at night here, but technically still White Day…  And sorry for spelling/grammatical errors, as it's getting late and I don't quite feel like proofreading.  Uh… when the fic's finished, I'll go back and edit/revise the whole thing so things (such as tenses) actually make sense.

Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss.

~*~

Youji is in an unusually good mood.

And that, my dear friends, is a very scary thing.

"Hey, KenKen, which one, the pink one or the white one?"

But the scariest thing is the store that he had dragged both Omi and I to.  Pink.  It's totally and completely pink.  Well, with random splatterings of red and white, but you get the point.

"White, Youji," I say, my voice carefully controlled.

"But…" Youji frowns.  "Girls like pink, don't they?"

"Yeah, I guess.  But some get really bitchy about it.  What kind of girl is this for?"

"Uh… a tomboyish one."

"Definitely white.  Right, Omi?"

"Huh?  Oh yeah."

Poor little Omi…  I'm really starting to feel sorry for the kid. 

I mean, while I know that my love for my Aya is most likely unrequited, at least he doesn't go throw himself at other… uh, guys?  But Youji…  Youji is a stupid insensitive jerk.

Either he has no idea how much like a rejected puppy Omi looks right now, or he just is a cruel bastard who enjoys tormenting the souls that have somehow fallen for the moronic being he was.

"Youji," I say, my voice perfectly calm, "Exactly how many do you plan on buying?"

Youji pauses for a moment, before turning and snagging another bear off the shelf.  "I'm not sure."

"And why not?"

He flashes a grin in my direction, accompanied with a cheeky wink.  "I'm a popular guy."

Omi and I exchange dry glances.

"Youji-kun," Omi says, "People are starting to look at us funny."

You think.  I glance surreptitiously around the shop, sending a very irritated glare at shoppers who obviously found us so interesting.

Youji shrugs.  "So?"

"I forgot," I deadpan, "You're shameless."

Youji merely throws me a cheeky grin.

"But you know," I say dryly, "With all the stuffed teddies you're buying, it's pretty obvious that you're a player."

"I'm an honest person."

Omi sighs, looking morosely at the pile of bears in the shopping cart.  "Sometimes I think you're too honest, Youji-kun."

I'm inclined to agree, as Youji flounces over to a nearby display and begins to pile sickeningly pink heart-shaped boxes into the cart.

"Youji," I finally say, my voice a carefully-controlled monotone.  "To put it bluntly, just how many girls did you fuck this year?"

Youji pauses.  Omi twitches.

The fact that it took more than a minute for Youji to count up the amount really wasn't helping any.

"…I can't remember."

I promptly begin hitting my head repeatedly against a life-size replica of Cupid.  And promptly stop once I realize that instead of being a life-size replica mannequin of Cupid, it's a life-size replica man of Cupid.

Who is fat, stinky, and looking at me as if he wants to eat me.

Shit.

"Hey, kid."  He's leering at me.  Leering at me.

"Uh, KenKen," Omi says uncertainly, giving me a sharp tug on the sleeve.

Save me I mouth to Omi, looking pointedly at the Cupid-man who was currently staring at me like a cat would at a canary.  Or in the way that most child molesters would at their victims.

Omi eeps and runs.

And they say friends are always there when you need them. 

"You look like a sweet little kid," Cupid says sweetly – or at least he thought sweetly.  I'm harshly reminded of my tenth grade history teacher.  "Would you like to come with me somewhere to get candy?"

What… the… hell?

That is seriously not funny.  Not only is this guy most likely twice my age, just called me a kid and offered me candy while hiding within it the hidden innuendo of getting into my pants, and fat, but he's wearing a fucking diaper.

Please tell me I'm not the only one here thinking there's something very wrong with that picture.

"Hey there, love."

Youji~!  I'm dealing with a crisis here, and you're running off to flirt with one of your girlfriends.

Wait.

Youji grins, sauntering over and draping his arms around my shoulders possessively.  "You miss me?"

I squeak.  What the hell is going on?

"And who might you be?" Youji asks in the perfect imitation of a possessive boyfriend.

Youji, I love you, really.  And though I really appreciate you coming to my rescue, will you please let me go?

'Cupid' blinks dumbly at Youji for a minute, his gaze darting between the two of us.  "You the kid's boyfriend?"

"Yes."

I choke. 

"Hey, what do you say to fifty bucks for the kid for one night?"

"No."

Really, it's not normal for a store mascot to ask a kid's boyfriend if he can take said kid's boyfriend out for a night.  Especially since both could kick his ass with no problem.

"You don't strike me as a serious relationship type of guy," 'Cupid' continues, the same sleazy tone in his voice.

Youji, I will kill you.  See, I told you there would be consequences from your shopping habits – this fucking asshole now thinks I'm a stupid hooker with some player from a bar.

The fact that Youji's dressed in very questionable clothing doesn't exactly discourage that.

"I'm not," Youji says calmly, "But this kid's off-limits."

Youji's scary.  'Cupid's scary.

I think I'll run.

"OI!  KENKEN!"

Fuck them.  I mean, whoever the hell is controlling fate must hate me – just how often would a normal person be hit on by a fat man in a diaper?  And then have to be rescued by his slut of a teammate – who, by the way, does not deny that allegation – who pretends to be said victim's boyfriend at the request of victim's other teammate who happens to have a crush on rescuer.

Confusing?  Oh yes.

"Ken-kun?"

Sorry, Omi, but you wouldn't mind being stuck with Youji for awhile, would you? 

There are footsteps behind me.  Three pairs.  Let's see, I believe that would be Omi, Youji… and… fuck.

"Why the hell are you guys following me?!" I scream, not caring what the patrons at the mall thought of me.  Hey, there's a bit of insanity inside us all.

I made a little kid cry.  He'll get a lollipop later.

"Ken-kun!" Omi yells after me. 

Okay, fine, Omi can follow me – sweet kid, that he is.  And Youji too, because as scary as he is, he at least had good intentions.  But I repeat, he scares me.

Not in the way Aya scares me though.

I screech to a stop.

Aya?  What the hell is Aya doing at the mall? 

Well, this is great – I might not get dragged off to do unspeakable actions with a man in a diaper.  Omi and Youji are great and all… but they won't actually kill the guy like Aya would.

Hey, I'm an assassin.  I can be a cold-hearted bastard if I want to.

"Aya~!" I yell, jolting forward and latching on to one very shocked Abyssinian.  Oh, he looks nice when he's shocked.  Or has any expression, if I think about it.

"What are you doing?" he asks flatly, pointedly prying me off of him.

"There's a crazy man in a diaper chasing after me," I say, my face perfectly serious, "I need you to kill him."

Silence.

Aya turns to walk away.

"I'm serious!" I grab him by the sleeve, tugging firmly.  Glancing backwards, I cringe as I see the triad sprinting towards me. 

Aya at least has it within his heart to look back and see if I'm even making all this shit up.  The look on his face is priceless.

"You are an idiot," he says tonelessly.

I really don't need him to tell me something I already know.

Aya grabs me by the collar and begins dragging me off.  Owie, that hurts!

"How do you get yourself into these messes?" he mutters, glancing furtively around.  You know, as freaked out as I am, even I have to admit that perhaps he's taking this a tad bit too seriously.

He looked like he was on a mission.  Wow, can I take this to mean that he actually cares for me?

I'm happy.  You see, like any guy, I really don't want to be the helpless little maiden wanting for rescue.  But hey, this is Aya doing the rescuing… And he's, well, special.

Anyway, once 'Cupid''s hands are tied up good enough that he can't grope me, I'll be the one doing the ass-kicking, thank you very much.

Aya finally pauses in front of a large custodial closet.

Oh no, he's not thinking about going in there is he?  A small dark enclosed space?  With just the two of us?

He opens the door.  "In."

"Uh, why don't you just run him through with your katana?" I whimper.

Aya gives me a piercing glare – one that meant 'you're more stupid than I thought – do you think I would carry a katana with me to the mall?.'

Oh.

Well, learned something new today: Aya is not obsessive enough to carry sharp objects everywhere he goes.

I find myself roughly shoved in.

The door slams behind Aya.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…  It is not good for my sanity to be stuck inside an enclosed space with one very hot redhead.

"Aya," I say meekly, "Why are we in here?"

"Hiding."

"Oh."

Silence.  Very very tense silence.

A thump.

I glance quickly at Aya, before the two of us both turn to stare at the door.  Something just hit it.

"Well," a muffled voice says from outside, "Looks like our friend's knocked out."

"Ne, Youji-kun, should we really just leave him here like this?"

"No.  We're calling the cops to pick him up, and then charge him on the grounds of suspected child molesting."

"…Is Ken-kun even young enough to be called a child?"

"…Oh.  What do you say to killing him then?"

A pause.

"Youji-kun!"

"I was just joking, Chibi!  You know, cute little thing as you are, you're scary when you're mad."

"Even scarier than Aya?"

"No.  Aya's scarier than you, me, KenKen, and diaper-boy here combined."

"Yeah, that's true."

I cringe, glancing out of the corner of my eye at Aya.  He's perfectly expressionless, although I swear I can see an eyebrow twitching.

Aya strides purposefully towards the door and moves to yank it open.

It doesn't.

And I proceed to laugh my ass off.

There's only one semi-logical explanation to why the door won't open.  First of all, Youji and Omi couldn't possibly know we're in here, so they couldn't have barred it shut – at least, not on purpose.  Getting my drift? 

In other words, my corpulent stalker must have weighed a hell of a lot.

"Hidaka," Aya says flatly, "What is going on?"

"…Diaper," I choke out.

He looks at me as if I had gone insane.  What else is new?

"Eh, Chibi, where'd KenKen go?"

"I don't know."

"That's strange; I swear he had gone in this direction."

"I know.  This is the only way there was."

I kick the door.  Hard.

"What was that?"

"The closet?"

"…Youji-kun, closets don't make noises."

"Aren't you supposed to be the genius?  I meant inside the closet."

"Damnit, Omi, open the fucking door!" I holler.

"…Ken-kun?"

"Wow, KenKen must've been terrified if he dove into the closet."

Terrified?  I was more than terrified. 

But now… Now I'm relieved, as I hear the sounds of a load of blubber being shoved to the side.  Shit, that guy must've weighed a ton, judging from the curses I'm hearing from Omi's mouth.

The doorknob turns.

"Thank you!" I yell, jumping to dive out.

Of course, the door then promptly gets slammed in my face.

Ouchie.

I think my nose got squashed.

"What was that for?!" I scream, pounding roughly against the now not-budging door.

"CHIBI~!  Did you see?  Did you see?!"

"Yup yup!  Ken-kun was in there with Aya-kun!"

I begin to thump my head against the door.  I never knew the day would come when my very own teammates would start acting like raving fangirls.

"Open the door," Aya calls firmly.  He is clearly not amused.

"Oi, Chibi, don't we have to, uh, go do… something?"

"Huh?  Oh yeah!  We, um, shouldn't be late!"

Silence.

Silence except for the steady beat of my head against the wall. 

"Move, Hidaka."

I pause, blinking, before turning and throwing an inquisitive look at Aya.  And promptly haul ass from the door when see he has The Expression on his face.

The Expression he has when he exclaims "Schwartz!"

Scary.

I stare warily at Aya, wondering if he would do as I thought he would and barrel straight towards the door.  Of course, that would be completely un-Aya-ish…

So of course he doesn't.

"Hidaka, how hard is your head?"

I freeze.  Did Aya… Was he… Was he joking?!

So I proceed to collapse laughing at the sheer strangeness of it all.  Aya, ice-cold stone-rigid Aya, was cracking a joke, a joke to ease the tension.

And then I suddenly stop laughing when I look up to see his face.

Aya… Aya's smiling.  Or at least almost smiling.

For Aya though, just that slight tug of his lips was enough for me to stare shamelessly.  It's just…  No, I won't become one of his fangirls.  I won't scream and jump around while squealing in mad happiness.

But I do have the decidedly suicidal urge to jump him right then and there.

Not a good thing.  Well, good except for the fact that he'll stab a very sharp pointy thing through me.

Wait.

He doesn't have his katana with him, does he…?

No no no no no…  Aya will kill me anyway.  Painfully.

So he's standing there with what I think is an amused expression on his face, and I'm staring dumbly at him.  It's… an interesting situation.

Actually, it would be very entertaining if not for the fact that I was one of the participants in the strange staring contest – and the one battling quite a few hormonal urges.

I give up; we're getting out of here even if I have to crash through what I believe to be a very thick door to do so.  If we stay here for more than another minute, I swear I'll jump Aya before my rational mind can say no.

And damnit, I have a better chance with the door than with Aya.

I hit the door with a crash.  Damn, my head hurts.  If I think about it now, that probably really wasn't a smart thing to do.  Not only does it make Aya think I'm a masochistic freak, but it wouldn't work anyway – after all, I like to think of myself as a not-so-chubby guy and thus would have no chance of barreling a door down.

And it hurts~~! 

Sure, I'm an assassin and all, so I don't really go berserk at pain like most people… but it's a hell of a lot different to have the adrenaline rush in battle.  To know that you might've gotten a concussion due to your own stupidity certainly adds a lot to the pain.

…Maybe Aya will magically make another icepack appear out of thin air…?  With another kind-of-kiss?

Shut up; I can dream if I want to.

"Hidaka, you are an idiot."

I whimper pathetically.  I think all he's been doing recently is call me an idiot – but at least he's actually talking to me now. 

Wow.

"Aya," I mutter, "Please refrain from any comments about my intelligence as my brain is hurting far too much to come up with a suitable comment that would do something other than degrade my intelligence even further."

Go me; I'm the king of long incoherent sentences.

And yes, I can be a snarky bastard even to Aya.

"So?" I smile - falsely -cheerfully at him.  "Any suggestions."

"No."

I twitch.

And no, I will not jump Aya.  No matter how good he looks leaning against the wall… two feet away from me… in the odd orange sweater…

And as ugly as that thing is, it looks very snuggable right now.

Damnit, Hidaka, get a hold of yourself.  That fuzzy fluffy soft orange sweater does not look snuggable.

…

Okay, fine, the sweater is snuggable.  But the guy underneath – no not thinking what you think I'm thinking – is not.

Aya.  Is.  Not.  Snuggable.

Really.

~*~

::grins::  Cliffhanger~!  Yes, cut off right there, as it's been forever since I last updated, and this chapter was getting long anyway. ^^;;