To: p.obuggersubtlety@ira.com.ni
From: s.obuggersubtlety@jira.com.ni
Mission Update
Mission #1436
Operative: Selfinsertion O'Bugger-Subtlety
So far the mission to infiltrate the English school has been successful. Remain undetected at the moment. Will update if situation changes.
*
Self had concluded after one week of lessons that Hogwarts deserved to be blown up. It was a perfectly reasonable attitude to take, he thought, considering what kind of week it had been. One whole week without chocolate (his supply had dried up on the first day), learning to write with a quill (a much harder task then it looks) and (the worst thing, in Self's unbiased opinion) drinking pumpkin juice. He had not liked pumpkin when it was in its usual vaguely solid state, but the juice was infinitely worse. Why the blasted house elves persisted in serving it at every meal was beyond Self.
The classes being offered at Hogwarts were….somewhat eclectic, and in Self's opinion, varying in relevance to the outside world. For example, he had yet to see a use for the sheer amount of Goblin rebellions that so fascinated Professor Binns. While normally people rebelling against their oppressor were a good thing in Self's eyes, the fact that there were so many of them suggested that they had little to offer in the way of relevant information. And Professor Binns was incredibly boring.
Astronomy wasn't much better. It was dark, cold, and all they did was look at stars. Self was not impressed by this. He could do that at home, and he didn't have to put up with Professor Sinistra telling him to "Search for Sirius."
In fact, most of his classes had been boring. The only two that had been at all interesting were Charms and Potions.
*
"Now, class" Professor Flitwick carolled from his stool. "We're going to practise the wand movements for the Wingardium Leviosa spell. Remember, swish and flick!" The class obediently swished and flicked their wands, with the exception of Eric, who sat there with a somewhat forlorn expression on his face.
"Mr Chant?" Professor Flitwick asked curiously. "Why aren't you practising the movements?" Eric looked down at his desk and mumbled something about not having a wand to practise with. Professor Flitwick frowned and inquired tactfully whether Eric could afford one or not. Eric sighed and began an explanation that the Hufflepuffs were becoming very used to.
"I went to Ollivanders, and it turns out that I'm not supposed to have a wand," Eric replied in the world weary tones of someone who has had to give this explanation too many times. "I can do magic without it though." Professor Flitwick looked intrigued at this.
"Really? Can you demonstrate?" The other Hufflepuffs looked alarmed at this and dived under the tables. The Ravenclaws, not having enough experience with Eric, merely looked bemused. Eric sighed a martyred sigh and muttered "Wingardium Leviosa." The resulting chaos shall be analysed in slow motion, so that none of it is missed.
Professor Flitwick rose rapidly to the ceiling, which does not sound initially bad, until you realise that the ceiling is halfway to the exosphere. The furniture (which was bolted to the floor) rattled alarmingly. The Ravenclaws dived under the tables and clung to the legs, trying to resist the pull toward the outer atmosphere. The Hufflepuffs looked at one another and rolled their eyes.
From far, far away, they could hear a tiny "Finite Incantatum."
The furniture stopped moving. The Ravenclaws climbed tentatively back onto their chairs. After exchanging a glance with Eric, the Hufflepuffs followed. Then they waited. They listened carefully as a thin scream could be heard. It got progressively louder.
Professor Flitwick flew through the air and looked as though he was going to hit the ground with a bone shattering impact (literally) when Eric threw out a hand. Professor Flitwick stopped falling centimetres from the ground. It was an alarming position to be in, and Flitwick sent a pleading glance at Eric. Eric shrugged and lowered his hand. Flitwick fell the remaining few centimetres, brushed himself off and climbed back on his stool.
"Mr Chant….are you one of those Chants?" Flitwick asked shakily. Eric looked somewhat confused at this statement. "Oh, never mind," Flitwick snapped. "Just keep your hands in your pockets." Eric shoved his hands into his pockets, looking rather hurt at Flitwick's tone.
The remainder of the lesson was rather boring. Flitwick, sending wary glances at the Hufflepuff table, dictated to them notes about the charms they would be studying this year. These glances might have something to do with Eric writing with his mouth more than anything.
*
Professor Snape stared down beadily at the Hufflepuffs.
"I have heard all about your little …..accident, Mr Chant. In this class, you will keep your left hand in your pocket. Is that clear?" Eric nodded quickly, looking very pale. Self decided that Snape needed to get out more. Or buy some shampoo, one with instructions of its use.
"My name is Professor Snape, and I know none of you will appreciate the subtle art that is Potions," Snape began.
"Hang on," Self whispered to Ernie. "Isn't Potions just whacking things in a pot?" Ernie nodded slightly. "So Potions is essentially home economics?" Ernie nodded, grin creeping across his face.
"O'Bugger-Subtlety!" Snape snapped. Self looked up. "Mind sharing with the class what you and Mr Macmillan found so amusing?" Self shook his head. There was no way he would share that. Snape did not look mollified.
"Answer me, boy!" Snape hissed.
"No, sir. I wouldn't like to share it," Self replied. This seemed to infuriate Snape further.
"Would you like a detention?"
Self felt his eyebrows rise to his hairline.
"No sir," he replied, bewildered. Why would anyone want a detention? Unfortunately Snape didn't see it that way, and not only awarded Self a detention, but took points for rudeness. Self was affronted. He wasn't being rude. Snape had asked him a question, and he answered it.
Snape then proceeded to rattle off theoretical notes rapid-fire, as if trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records. When Self made that observation to Ernie, Ernie looked at him blankly. Self resolved to never make reference to Muggle things with wizard-family students. They tend to be woefully uninformed.
Finally, Snape allowed them to make a potion. Unfortunately, Self was unable to work out what it was (because Snape wrote it on the board in his dreadful handwriting) but he reasoned that Ernie would know what to do.
And yes, he did.
The resulting explosion was one of the best Self had ever seen. Even Snape was impressed. You could see it in the blood that rose to his face, or the spittle that adorned his mouth.
"Gods and Goddesses above! Why must I be cursed with yet another incompetent Macmillan? And you lot, why didn't you tell him? Twenty points from Hufflepuff!" The first year Hufflepuffs hung their heads, mainly to obscure the wicked grins that crept across all of their faces. Next lesson was going to be fun.
*
Self sighed as he sent the mission report email to his father. He should have added something about sending him more chocolate. Oh well. Maybe Justin had some. Self looked around surreptitiously, then dived under Justin's bed and pulled out a chocolate bar. Life was all right after all.