In Self's opinion, flying and the related sport of Quidditch were severely overrated. If broomsticks were meant to fly, they would have a pressurised cabin, a seat and an engine. The use of an object designed to sweep floors was just perverse. Of course, this negative attitude could be due to the fact that Self refused to get higher then ten inches off the ground.

The Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw flying lesson (held before the Gryffindor-Slytherin lesson out of sheer practicality) was either an intriguing juxtaposition or absolute chaos, depending on the perspective. While the Ravenclaws were zipping around merrily, smug in their knowledge that there was no way that they would be permitted to die, the Hufflepuffs were not so naïve.

It turned out that Neil was petrified of heights. Unfortunately for Neil, this was only discovered when he rose to ten feet and looked down. The resulting hysteria culminated in him falling off his broomstick and landing painfully. Nothing was broken, but Neil refused to even look at his broomstick after that.

Ernie was cheerfully yelling instructions to Justin on flying. Justin was perfectly content to stand on the ground, broom hovering just below his outstretched hand, and look quizzically at it.

As for Eric, Madam Hooch refused to let him anywhere near a broom. Apparently Eric's very proximity to a broom would cause it to fail. Self, who had read Quidditch through the Ages, thought somewhat cynically that it had more to do with Eric's ability to cast wandless magic and the ramifications of such ability in a Quidditch match more than anything else did. And of course, Hufflepuff couldn't have such a wildcard in their team.

Self, being a cynical sort, had noticed the stigma associated with Hufflepuff house and was rather bemused by it all. Professor Sprout had spoken to them before their first class and explained the situation. In order for them to continue their activities, the Hufflepuff students had to perpetuate the myth that Hufflepuffs were slow, stupid and practically Squibs. If was a fair trade off, really, when Self thought about it.

Finally the airborne torture was over and Self jumped off his broom. He contemplated kissing the ground in relief but decided that this was a little excessive. However, after Madam Hooch's announcement of classes next week, Self was quite capable of murder.

"Oh Lord, give me a blunt knife and the enthusiasm to use it," he whispered fervently to Neil, who sniggered in approval. The sniggers spread around the Hufflepuff boys as Neil told everyone what had been said, and it was unanimously decided that their motto would be 'blunt knife and enthusiasm' from that day forth.

*

If there was one thing that Self agreed on with the rest of the school, it was the sheer boredom associated with History of Magic. Self had seen a goblin exactly once (unless you counted his little brother that is) and had reasoned that they had a pretty good life. After all, they lived in a place where they could charge astronomical fees, embezzle however much money they wanted and not get caught. He honestly had no idea why they kept rioting all the time, or why Professor Binns was so enamoured with this period of history. This feeling of confusion was shared with his classmates, and a lively conversation was being carried out using notes.

The conversation began with Ernie 'telling' Self that he had asked his sister for inspiration on their end of year project. Self was initially apprehensive, as his past experience with his multitude of brothers and sisters had told him that telling a sibling anything was tantamount to telling the entire world while standing on the front lawn of Buckingham Palace wearing only your underwear. And yes, he had done that too. However, Ernie was quick to reassure Self and the rest of their coterie that Renee was perfectly trustworthy and in fact had some suggestions on improving the execution somewhat.

Eric nodded wisely and passed a note that pointed out that Professor Sprout had called a house meeting that afternoon, after History of Magic to be exact. Seeing as though no-one else had known about the meeting, there was a flurry of notes directed toward Eric asking something along the lines of 'how did you know?' Apparently Professor Dumbledore had announced it during breakfast. The others nodded. They had been wearing their fluffy earmuffs in case the school song was to be sung again, ignoring warnings from the upper years that the torture only happened once a year. They reasoned that there was no punishment for being cautious.

Professor Binns interrupted their conversation at that point, asking whether they had copied down the map of Ugborg the Undescribable military campaign. They all nodded hastily and Professor Binns wafted back to the front of the classroom. Neil risked a detention to speak aloud.

"You reckon he knows he's dead?" he asked innocently. The others shook their heads, smirking as they did so. Professor Binns, having heard the question, wafted toward them with a quizzical expression on his rather insubstantial face.

"You had a question, Mister Ravellen?" Binns asked. Neil, interpreting that Professor Binns meant him, repeated the question. Professor Binns looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Really? Dead?" he asked. The Hufflepuffs nodded eagerly. "Well, bugger this for a game of soldiers then." With this, Professor Binns wafted out of the classroom, muttering something about fifty years of back pay to collect and the holiday in the Bahamas that he had always wanted to take.

"Well done, Neil," Hannah commented sardonically. "Now who's going to teach us History of Magic?" Neil considered this for a moment. Self swore that he could hear the gears whirring in his head.

"I'll teach it?" Neil offered. No one seemed willing to take him up on that offer. Understandable really.

"Why don't we just pretend he's still here? Do a deal with the other houses, and just copy the notes from upper years?" Susan drawled. "It's not like the exams are changed anyway."

"Yeah!" Ernie said rather enthusiastically, waking Justin, who had been sleeping on his shoulder. Justin looked around blearily, noticed the lack of Professor Binns and started to pack up his books. Ernie grabbed his wrist and gestured at his wind up watch. Justin frowned in confusion. This prompted a quick explanation while the others sorted out the details of their plan.

"So, if we tell the prefects in our house, they can tell the prefects for the other houses," Ernie finished, looking at everyone triumphantly. It seemed like a good plan to them, so they all agreed. Unanimously it was also agreed that class was over for the day, so everyone left before Dumbledore could organise a replacement.

Heading back to the common room, Self heard someone calling out. Curious, he headed toward it, neglecting to take the turn off to the common room. He stumbled in the dark, desperately wishing he had learnt how to call light from his wand; it would have been really handy at a time like this.

He stumbled over something and fell onto the ground. His cry of surprise was coupled with someone else's cry of pain. Startled, Self picked himself back up and pointed his wand toward the general direction of the noise.

"Could you not point that thing at me?" a boy's voice asked plaintively. "I'm in Hufflepuff too, you know. Dumbledore sent me down here because I arrived late. Fell asleep on the train and got taken back to London. Wasn't all that bad really, there was some girl who fell asleep too." Self frowned. Wasn't there a girl in his cabin who did that? Sleepy or something?

"Unfortunately, I haven't a clue where to go now. Do you reckon you could show me? I'm Zacharias, by the way," the boy offered. Self thought for a moment, shrugged and pulled Zacharias to his feet. If he was in Hufflepuff, well and good, and if he wasn't….Self had always wanted to see the security system in action.

Unluckily for Self (but probably very lucky for Zacharias) the security system recognised Zacharias as a Hufflepuff student and admitted him. Their entry into the common room was rather understated, but the welcome in their dormitory was not so.

"Ernie!" Zacharias yelled. Ernie turned away from his transfiguration homework, recognised Zacharias and smiled widely.

"Zach!" he replied.

"Ernie!"

"Zach!"

This looked to continue for some time. It was already becoming tedious. Thankfully, Neil interrupted.

"I assume you're Zach?" he asked dryly. Zach nodded. "Well that explains the additional suitcase that appeared a couple of minutes ago. Okay, you know Ernie, obviously, the guy that rescued you is Self, Justin's the one who's currently poking his wand at various objects to see if he can make them explode, the boy looking somewhat miserable with his left hand in his pocket is Eric and I'm Neil."

"Zach is my partner in crime, the mastermind of the operation," Ernie added. Zach looked embarrassed. "Don't worry, Zach. These guys are just like us." Zach raised an eyebrow. "No, really!"

"So when's Hogwarts getting blown sky high?" Zach asked sardonically.

"By the end of the year at the latest," Self replied seriously. Zach studied him for a second, then a broad grin crossed his face.

"Count me in," he said eagerly. Self nodded.

""Don't we have a house meeting soon?" Eric asked plaintively. There were collective nods and the mad rush to the door. This manoeuvre was a difficult one, involving the judicious use of elbows and other objects that would cause pain if jabbed into a ribcage. It was an ungraceful move, but what it lost in elegance it gained in effectiveness. This time, Self was first to the door and he stepped through triumphantly. The rest of the boys trailed after him, rubbing sore ribs and elbows.

Michael raised a knowing eyebrow as they limped into the common room and gestured to the computer terminals, most of which were occupied by older students. Self wondered how it was that there were enough computers for everyone, but decided that was a question for another day. He sat down beside Eric and waited.

Professor Sprout stood up and walked toward the front of the room. She fiddled with the microphone until it was at the right height, then let her hands fall to her side.

"Hello everyone. Yes, Michael, everyone's here, you can sit down now." Michael, looking somewhat sheepish, sat down at the nearest terminal. "Let us begin. Firstly, the first years are to remember that they are not to stand out in any way, as we are not to draw attention to ourselves. This includes you, Mister Smith. I have your record right here." Professor Sprout waved a manila folder and Zach slid down in his seat, looking intensely embarrassed. Self sympathised. It was hard when the teachers already knew everything about you.

"Secondly, we have our yearly project. The other houses have forgotten about Hufflepuff for long enough. It is time we reminded them exactly how brave, how smart and how cunning we can be while working as a team. It is time to show them that we, not Gryffindor, Slytherin or Ravenclaw, are the more superior house. And this is how it will be done."

Self watched in interest as the screen in front of him bloomed with colour, displaying a three dimensional schematic diagram. He blinked a few times and the image resolved into a map of Hogwarts. Red bloomed in certain points of the diagram and Self wondered what they were for.

"As you have hopefully all realised, this is a map of Hogwarts. Our mission this year is to completely demolish it, via the use of strategically placed explosives, obtained from the gracious Mister O'Bugger-Subtlety. These will be disguised as gifts to his son and his friends so, Self? Try to intercept them if you can. Your father said you should be able to do that." Self frowned. He had a sneaking suspicion that what his father had actually said was 'If my idiot son can't work out which packages are the explosives, then he deserves to get blown up. And those moronic friends of his as well.'

"For the older students, you will collect your explosives from Selfinsertion, and start to place them in the positions designated in the diagram you see on your screen. I will notify you at a later date as to who will put their explosives where. The details for the rest of this exercise will be revealed at a later date. Now, prefects? Do you have anything to add?" Michael stood up from his position at the back.

"Nothing from the second, third and seventh years." He sat back down and a brown haired girl stood up, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"Nothing from the fourth or sixth years," she replied quietly and sat back down. Renee stood up.

"Apart from the short disappearance of Zacharias, nothing to report from the first or fifth years." She was about to sit down when Ernie called out "Renee? I wish to speak!" Renee looked somewhat confused, but she nodded. Ernie stood up and began an incoherent ramble about the events during their History of Magic class. Professor Sprout interrupted before he finished.

"Ah, yes. The disappearance of Professor Binns. I did wonder about that. Fortunately, Professor Dumbledore has convinced Professor Binns to stay on as the History of Magic professor." There was much muttering about how Professor Binns remaining could be a good thing. Professor Sprout continued on regardless. "As a result, you may continue in your extensive note passing in that class. Is there anything else?" The room was silent. "Very well. You are dismissed."

The common room was vacated in an organised manner, or rather more organised as normal. No one died, or was even maimed. It was a quite impressive achievement, when you thought about it.

Authors Note: For anyone who didn't already know, this story was begun before OotP came out. Hence the absence of Zacharias Smith from the first three chapters. Short of rewriting them entirely, I had to do what I did here, awkward as it may seem.

Chapter Five may take a while. My lecturers have decided to go all draconian on us, and gave us lots of assignments. (If anyone knows how genetic engineering works, please email me at quinn_dexter@hotmail.com and tell me! I can't seem to find out how anywhere. *smacks head on keyboard *)